Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Don & Elaine, Kerissa, Robert & Tangela
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000007
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00:22 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:24 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob. 00:27 We have Don and Elaine with us. 00:29 Don and Elaine, welcome! Thank you! 00:32 So, we would like today to recap some of what we have done for 00:39 the previous programs and let's just go back to the top. 00:45 Don, do you remember any of your goals? 00:47 Remember, you set certain goals that you wanted. 00:49 Well, we were to show actually appreciation. Yes 00:52 Be able to touch,... rub, provide physical touch 00:59 to Elaine and to be able to try also to see if I can get her 01:07 to see some of the things my way... Okay 01:09 As part of what we were also trying to do 01:11 over the past several weeks. Right 01:13 And, I don't know, today are we going to be talking about 01:16 perhaps the next move in our 01:18 life - is that where we're headed? 01:19 Well today, we are going to recap and just look at 01:22 some of the goals and see which have been accomplished. Okay 01:26 And also talk about a few things that we could have you guys 01:31 do in the future; talk about some of the 01:33 successes and that's about it. 01:37 Well I think, from my point of view, 01:40 I have been more touchy-feely. Okay good. 01:43 I have been seeking to show appreciation, 01:46 and when she feels something is working against her... 01:51 I'm working against her or something, you know, 01:53 try to say - sincerely, that I love you and things are 02:01 going to be working out okay and you are an okay person. 02:05 Because sometimes she reflects back on - I'm saying things 02:09 that put her down as valuable as a person, 02:13 put down that as a valuable asset - lack of it. 02:17 So I need to show her that she is a valuable person 02:20 as one of God's creatures that she is worthwhile, 02:26 and so she doesn't have this negative thinking of about 02:32 like "I'm not worthwhile." Like she's not worthwhile. 02:36 And also, of course, valuable to you as your wife. Yes! 02:39 Okay, remember, I called this the "directed compliment." 02:45 You had mentioned that she did feel that some of things 02:48 that you would say to her were put-downs. Um hm 02:52 We talked about the fact that there's no room 02:54 for put-downs in a relationship and let alone in a marriage. 02:57 And we had a challenge where you would try to 03:02 compliment her in the very areas that you had put her down 03:05 and we call that a "directed compliment." Um hm 03:08 You might have heard that it takes about one put-down 03:14 to lower self esteem and about 20 compliments 03:17 to build it back up. Yes, I've heard that. 03:18 To build it back up - you've heard that. Yes 03:19 So you realize that you have quite a road ahead to repair 03:25 some of the damage that Elaine might be feeling. Yes 03:30 Right, so this is just the first step in the road, 03:32 and even though we're doing a recap, 03:34 you guys have made some progress, but we have to 03:36 continue to make growth, is that correct? Yes 03:40 Elaine, you remember any of your goals? 03:43 Yes, one of them in particular, it was instead of reminding 03:48 Don that the counter needed to be cleaned off 03:51 on the continual basis and to clean out the atrium area 03:55 of all the papers that are around, 03:57 is to say it one time and to leave it... 04:00 And I think that I have gotten much better with that. 04:06 Some of the other areas I am not as satisfied with myself 04:13 as I'd like to be because my frustration level 04:15 has been so high. 04:18 Being able to appreciate him and to encourage him... 04:24 And these are areas that are positive for him 04:27 in what I need to be able to do for him. 04:29 Right, science says that, especially for Y-types, 04:33 when you guys have an altercation, 04:36 it takes Don actually takes him 20 minutes to recover. 04:42 A lot of women don't feel this, they don't experience this, 04:46 they don't believe it because a lot of men have that 04:49 deadpan look about them and you're not thinking that 04:52 there's anything going on inside by way of turmoil. 04:56 Now you, Elaine, if you're unhappy, 04:58 you probably show it in your countenance, 05:01 and it's very, very clear to Don that you're not happy. 05:04 But for Don, his is internalized and it actually takes him 05:09 quite a while to recover, like 20 minutes. 05:13 So we encourage couples not to go anywhere close 05:16 to that time when you're having a discussion. 05:21 You set a time limit, you say 5 minutes or we'll discuss this 05:25 for 10 minutes and you absolutely stick to that 05:27 and you don't go beyond that. 05:29 And then you can return to it some other time 05:31 that you both agree to. 05:33 So I'm really glad that you are doing these self-checks 05:36 and trying to find ways to make personal adjustments 05:40 to improve the situation between you and Don. 05:45 Now you also had a goal where you said that you wanted 05:49 more respect, to be respected and to feel like you 05:51 were being included in the decision-making. 05:54 I know you guys had a major purchase not too long ago. 06:00 Did you feel a little more considered when you 06:04 guys were having those discussions? 06:06 Yes I did - we were looking into moving to a retirement 06:12 community and this last time that we looked in this 06:15 particular community, we walked into a house 06:19 and I said, "this is it." 06:20 And we both felt positive about this house, 06:25 and Elaine had changed her personality. 06:28 She turned around and was very excited and in her unique 06:34 style, she started drawing house plans. Right 06:37 Not that there's too much that we can do as far as the 06:39 rooms are pretty much fixed, but hanging pictures, 06:42 placement of furniture, that kind of thing. 06:44 She started going over that in her head 06:47 and this is one of her - what should I call... 06:51 "hidden talents," passion. Yes 06:55 Okay now a point of contention for you guys... 07:00 was this house - the house that you're living in right now. Yes 07:03 For several years and from what I understand, 07:06 Don, you retired and wanted had wanted to do things 07:12 at your own pace. Yes Understandable... 07:15 And, Elaine, on the other hand, you see this house as 07:18 this is the home that we've lived in for 4 years, 07:21 and I've wanted these areas clean for - who knows, a decade. 07:26 I have no idea. 35 years! 07:28 Thirty-five years Don! 35 years! 07:30 This is what she's saying! Are you agreeing with that? 07:33 Is it really 35 years? 07:34 Well it hasn't been 35 years for all the papers, 07:37 Right, just accumulating... 07:38 It's an accumulation of things you didn't do, 07:41 and like, I guess this XY theory, you know, 07:44 she wants this and this done in that timeframe, 07:48 and my timeframe is more slow, evened-out approach, 07:53 and so it hasn't been the same pieces of paper for 35 years, 07:57 but it's things that need to be 07:59 straightened up and put away... Right 08:03 You mentioned timeframe a lot which tells me that 08:06 you guys are on different timeframes, 08:08 but have you ever communicated to Elaine what kind of 08:11 timeframe you're more comfortable with? 08:12 Well now we're on our timeframe where we have to 08:15 start - and what I haven't completed in the last 08:17 4 or 5 years since I've retired and now I need to get done 08:22 in the next 4 or 5 months so that we can sell our 08:25 present home and move to the other retirement home 08:28 which will be ready by that time, 08:30 so that move is about 5 months from now. 08:34 It sounds like this new home has solved several problems 08:38 including the timeframe problem. Right? 08:40 Because now you have to get things done... 08:42 It has to be done and it falls on my shoulders. 08:45 Exactly, and you're smiling which means that, 08:48 you know, you're okay, you're smiling! Yes 08:50 So, Elaine, tell me about this house, tell me... 08:54 I understand you made a conscious decision to buy 08:58 this particular house and we were talking a little about how 09:01 it solves several of the problems that you had 09:04 with the home that you're in right now. 09:06 Well, I have communicated to him that the house where 09:09 we're living in now has been his house because 09:12 he has either not done or done things at his rate not at mine. 09:17 and that this house now is my house because now 09:24 I can call somebody to fix something, 09:26 I don't have to ask him. 09:28 No more calling for the shingles, 09:30 repair issues, none of that. 09:31 For the owner or the occupants, it's basically maintenance free. 09:35 The retirement organization that we're looking at, 09:39 they provide for cutting the grass, replacing shingles 09:43 and changing light bulbs and doing all those type 09:45 of maintenance things are good. Excellent 09:47 As a retiree, I can basically retire. 09:50 Well you guys have made a lot of progress, 09:53 and have come from a long way... 09:56 And I'm really proud of the progress that you have made. 09:58 So, congratulations and keep moving forward! Thank you 10:10 Welcome back to "Road to Romance" 10:12 We have Kerissa with us. 10:13 Kerissa, welcome! Thanks for having me back! 10:17 So, this has been quite a journey. 10:20 Yes, it definitely has. Yeah 10:21 I'd like to recap some of what we discovered. 10:25 We started with giving you a personality test, 10:28 the "XY Personality Test," and you found out 10:30 that your personality is... 10:32 An "XX," X moderately high, X moderately high. 10:37 Okay, so now you know what you need in a match, don't you? Yes 10:42 I have to tell you, 25% of the guys out there, 10:46 only 25% of the guys out there are X-type. 10:49 Or what we call, you know, X- type men. 10:51 And obviously, this is what you would be searching for. 10:56 Now, you live in New York? Um hm, yes I do. 11:00 Okay, I did a little bit of research and found that 11:04 New York is quite splintered in in terms of the ratio of 11:10 men to women. 11:13 You live, probably in the Brooklyn area or Queens area, 11:16 I'm not sure, but you know where you live - in that area, 11:19 they have a 2:1 ratio of women to men. 11:26 There are other areas like Manhattan, 11:28 some areas of Manhattan where it's the other way around. 11:31 It's 1:2, so basically what it means is... 11:34 If you wanted a practical way to actually meet someone, 11:38 it's like buying a house, location, location, location! 11:43 It's not going to help you to stay where you are 11:45 and hope that the person that you're seeking 11:48 or the person that God has for you is just going to 11:50 walk right up to you. 11:51 So I wanted to ask you... 11:53 What is the one thing you feel that you've learned 11:56 on the "Road to Romance" that you think might help you 12:00 in finding that perfect match? 12:02 Well, I definitely learned about my relationship personality 12:05 and I think it's a breath of fresh air to know 12:09 what that is and also that it's good to be the same thing as 12:13 someone else, as well that a perfect 12:17 match will definitely help me to not have as much 12:21 problems in the future. 12:23 I know that there are different levels and that these levels 12:28 will help me to know how much I would have to work 12:31 for that relationship. 12:33 I think that is the most important thing. 12:36 We're not out there to tell people to give up 12:39 on an individual that they might be interested in, 12:42 but what it's all about is - how much work is this 12:44 going to be for me? And you nailed it. 12:48 The closer you are in type, the more you are on the 12:53 same level with communication and intimacy, 12:55 then the less work you actually have to do as a couple. 12:59 Now, you're 22 years old, but you know that 13:01 relationships are a lot of work, don't you? Yes, I do. 13:05 Exactly! And so, you want to do 13:07 anything that you can to minimize that, 13:09 to reduce that. Right? Um hm 13:11 And, you know, we're looking for life companions. 13:14 We're not looking for someone that we will spend 13:17 5 years with or 10 years with, we're looking for someone 13:19 that we can spend an entire lifetime with, 13:22 and so it becomes very important. 13:24 Just to go back a little bit and recap... 13:26 I remember you were very much concerned about 13:29 being indecisive and as you said that, 13:32 I thought to myself, "I think it's better to 13:33 be indecisive, than to be in a rush. 13:37 You're 22 years old and, for the guys that you would be 13:41 looking for, really as I mentioned before, 13:44 not looking for something serious, 13:47 you have a lifetime ahead of you. 13:50 You're going to France, you know, I mean come on now! 13:52 How many of us could say that we're getting to do that? 13:56 Now is there anything about your family that you feel 14:00 you could share with us - something, maybe your sister... 14:05 Did your sister have anything to do with you coming 14:09 to "Road to Romance?" 14:10 Did she encourage you? How did she? 14:12 Well, my mom - she was very happy about the 14:17 opportunity I had to come to "Road to Romance" 14:19 because she is very much interested in me finding 14:23 a suitable mate. 14:24 I think that a mother that's concerned about that 14:27 is a good thing, so I took her up on that 14:30 and I took the chance. 14:32 And, we're very glad that you did. 14:34 Now again, one thing... Is there anything that you 14:39 feel that you may need to tweak or change 14:41 in how you go about looking for someone? 14:44 Well, I know that when I was actually younger, 14:47 I know I didn't know myself much, so those games 14:52 I played and stuff like that, I know that 14:54 I was trying to be somebody else that I wasn't, 14:57 and now I know that my personality... 15:01 I know my personality and I know that I'm still growing, 15:04 and I'm well aware more of who I really am. 15:08 So I know that will definitely affect my relationships 15:11 in a positive way. 15:14 Well you have made a lot of progress and we've seen 15:17 a lot of growth just in the time that you've been on the show. 15:19 So, I would like to encourage you to keep doing 15:24 what you're doing and all the best with your dream. 15:28 Thank you! 15:35 Welcome back to "Road to Romance" 15:38 Robert, Tangela, welcome! Thank you 15:41 So how does it feel to have gone through this journey 15:45 not knowing anything from the very beginning 15:48 and now knowing almost everything? Right 15:52 Very well informed. Yes, a great experience. 15:56 It's been a good experience, it's been nice having you. 15:59 So, we just have a few things to recap and wrap up. Okay 16:07 Remember we talked about leaving and cleaving, 16:10 and you guys said you've heard that phrase before? Yes 16:15 Okay. Now I know your parents, so I know exactly what they 16:22 stand for and Robert, I don't really know your folks, 16:26 but you guys know that to cleave to each other 16:31 like you would need to, you're going to have to "leave," 16:37 symbolically, your parents and just kind of focus on each other 16:42 and solve your problems between yourselves and God. Right 16:48 And you're aware of that. Yes 16:49 It's very difficult for some parents to let go, 16:53 and I've mentioned earlier in the program that 16:56 if you had an X-type parent, they have the more difficult 17:00 time to let go, especially of their boys... Robert. 17:03 So you would know what kind of parents you have if 17:06 your mom is, you know, the kind of mom that she's like, 17:09 "You know, I'm happy to have my single son." Laughter 17:11 But they have to realize that you guys are trying to 17:15 move toward oneness. Okay 17:17 So two people trying to become one and when that happens, 17:19 you guys have to be single force and pushing back on everyone, 17:25 not just parents, but friends and anyone that has 17:28 advice for you that you think, you know, you either don't need 17:31 or shouldn't consider. 17:34 There are some parts of the world actually where 17:38 parents go to the wedding and cry, 17:41 but they're not crying tears of joy. 17:45 Yes, in Italy in the land, there are actually mothers 17:48 that go to those weddings and they are crying because 17:51 they're losing a son. Yes 17:53 Some statistics show that 3 out of every 10 marriages 17:57 ends because of a mother-in-law's interference. 18:00 Oh wow! Now that is incredibly high. Yes 18:04 I'm happy I'm not probably 18:06 going to have to worry about that with you guys, 18:09 but I just wanted to put it out there. 18:11 Robert, let's talk a little bit about technology. Okay 18:14 In this union, technology is probably 18:17 not going to be your friend. Okay... It's not. 18:20 One out of every five marriages today starts on the internet, 18:26 but so does one out of every three divorces. 18:30 That's the statistic. 18:32 Can't name the companies involved, 18:34 but they are certain very large companies where folks 18:39 go on there and unfortunately it begins the unraveling 18:43 of their marriage. Oh wow. 18:46 So, you know, you obviously would want to be careful. Right 18:49 All right, I want to talk a little bit about 18:52 personal change. 18:53 You guys, together, are the perfect match, 18:56 so we don't need to talk about that perfection. 18:59 What I want to talk about is personal change 19:01 because a lot of folks get into marriages, 19:04 relationships and at that point, the personal 19:08 growth really stops. 19:10 So wherever they were at when they found that significant 19:14 other, they think to themselves, "Well I have her now, 19:17 you know, why am I going to continue to shave my 19:20 head" like you and I probably do as regularly as we do, 19:24 "Well, I have her now, I can stop shaving." 19:26 "So what if I have a goatee and she doesn't like it, 19:29 I have her now." You know... 19:31 But personal change is something 19:33 that we should do for a lifetime because it 19:36 makes a difference even when you think it doesn't. 19:38 Is there anything you feel, in terms of personal change, 19:41 that would enhance your relationship, 19:44 your new relationship, anything that you feel 19:46 that you could share that you might be working on? 19:48 Yeah, I feel that we do communicate well, 19:52 but I would say that there's room for communication 19:55 to improve - I'm always going to keep working on that. 19:58 I want to be a better communicator. That's good! 20:01 Because you were borderline in communication, right? Yeah 20:05 So that's correct and what about you, Tangela? 20:10 Um, communication plays a big part; however, 20:13 there are personal things like learning to accept when we 20:18 communicate if it's not so positive, 20:21 but turn it into positive by saying this is something 20:24 that's going to help our relationship. 20:27 A lot of times when we hear things that are negative, 20:29 we say, "Oh, I can't take this," but it's growth. 20:32 You know, you have to learn this, 20:34 you have to face these things, you can't be fearful of them. 20:37 You know, this is going to help your relationship. 20:39 Anything that's going to help your relationship, 20:41 you must challenge yourself and 20:43 go ahead and learn from those things. 20:44 And I've learned how important it is to, in every situation, 20:49 learn from them - bad or good, I think that's important. 20:55 So how do you guys feel about going to a professional 20:57 if you come up against a wall where you are not 21:00 seeing eye-to-eye and you're having difficulties... 21:03 Is that something that you think is useful? 21:05 Because a lot of people won't do that and a lot of 21:10 professionals feel that by the time a couple gets to them, 21:13 it's already too late. 21:14 You know, there's a lot of resentment and a lot of things 21:17 that they find difficult to reverse. 21:19 So, but that is something that you guys 21:21 would probably be open to I suppose... Absolutely! 21:23 if it became necessary. Okay, so here's a theory... 21:26 There's a theory that when you have something as good 21:29 as you guys have. Laughter... 21:30 There's one thing, there's one thing that could 21:34 cause an unraveling... One thing. 21:37 This is a tough question... 21:39 What do you think that the one thing might be? 21:42 Hmm? 21:45 Umm 21:47 A lot of people say today, that finance and 21:53 all those could be a big issue, but I go back to 21:57 learning to communicate, learning to go to counseling 22:03 if need be, you know, but that starts with 22:05 your relationship with God. 22:06 When these things start to unravel, 22:08 you seek Him and if you both are seeking Him, 22:10 you can go through anything, you can work through it. 22:14 You know, but you got to be willing to accept that 22:16 you have to be willing to look at yourself and say, 22:18 "I need help, I'm not understanding something, 22:21 there's a problem here," you have to be open to that. 22:26 It sounds like you guys will be working on that 22:28 spiritual intimacy that we talked about. Yes 22:30 So let's just recap a little. 22:32 We talked about spiritual intimacy. 22:34 We talked about what you guys would need to do 22:36 to make sure that you're on the same page. 22:38 We talked about, well, the obvious... the perfect match. 22:42 You guys took the test and 1 in 100, you guys were able to 22:47 show that you are well-matched, and every other test 22:51 that we have given you guys, administered to you guys, 22:54 from then on until now, your answers were always 22:58 the same - I mean as if you guys were Siamese twins 23:01 you couldn't have done better with those answers. 23:05 So those are some obvious things - adaptability, 23:08 you guys were in agreement there. 23:12 How you would handle conflict which is what torpedoes a lot of 23:15 relationships - you guys were also in agreement there. 23:18 So that's very, very, very exciting. 23:22 We would like to keep up with your progress. 23:25 You know, we hope that you guys will stay in touch 23:27 with "Road to Romance" and let us know if you guys 23:30 are really still on the "Road to Romance." 23:32 I mean, this is something that we would like. Yes 23:35 So here's the BIG question... 23:37 I'm going to ask you guys individually. 23:39 I'm going to ask... Let me ask Tangela first. 23:42 So what did you guys decide? 23:45 Are you going to continue on this journey together and 23:50 see where this goes and explore a relationship, 23:54 or are you guys going to...? 23:55 We're going to continue and see where this goes... 23:58 to explore the journey. 24:00 What about you, Robert? 24:01 Yep, I agree. 24:03 Okay, I need a little more than that. 24:05 I agree? What do you agree with? Come on Robert. 24:07 I agree with continuing on with the relationship. Yeah 24:10 I want to take it as far as we can. 24:11 As far as you can... And I really like the 24:13 foundation - I like that you want to put God in the middle. 24:17 We would like to congratulate you guys and also 24:19 to thank you for trusting us with your journey 24:22 in coming here "On the Road to Romance," 24:25 I mean this is wonderful. Yes. Right. 24:27 So all the best to you and God's blessings! Thank you! 24:40 Today, we have been talking about finding that one thing 24:42 that changes everything. 24:45 One Scripture comes to mind... 24:46 In Luke 10:41, Jesus said, "Martha, Martha, you are 24:51 worried and upset about many things, but few things are 24:54 needed; indeed, only one. 24:57 Mary has chosen what is better 24:59 and it will not be taken away from her." 25:01 There are so many lessons on how we should relate 25:05 to our loved ones that can be gleaned from Scripture. 25:08 And, lessons on how to go about improving our 25:11 relationship with God. 25:12 Jesus' relationship with Mary and Martha 25:15 is depicted well in this story. 25:17 Martha's sister, instead of assisting her with preparations 25:20 to serve the Lord, would sit at His feet to drink 25:24 in His every word. 25:25 Naturally, Martha complained to Jesus stating that her sister 25:29 was leaving her to do all the work and asked 25:32 Jesus to insist that Mary help her. 25:35 Then came Jesus' famous response... 25:38 "Martha, Martha, you are worked up about many things, 25:41 but only one thing is needed, and Mary has found 25:44 that one better thing." 25:47 Marrying this concept, researchers have found that 25:50 sometimes to change a system, including fixing a broken 25:53 relationship or even going from a state of singleness 25:56 to finding your mate, you only need to change 25:59 one key feature in your approach. 26:02 And once you find this, it's like pulling on a loose 26:05 thread in a fabric, the entire tapestry unravels 26:09 before you and the problem is solved. 26:11 Very often that one thing is relational, 26:15 perhaps more hugs, more expressions of care 26:19 to your mate, more attention or more communication, 26:22 but research tells us that very often it's something 26:26 more tangible. 26:27 Sometimes more personal like learning to be more 26:31 punctual or picking up after yourself. 26:33 Lately several studies have shown that women are more 26:38 concerned about their husband's lack of helpfulness 26:41 around the home or willingness to pitch in equally 26:44 for childcare - than they are concerned about infidelity. 26:47 Unfortunately, these same studies show that men 26:52 pitch in almost equally after their retirement and after 26:57 the kids have left behind an empty nest. 27:00 What is that one need your partner has 27:04 been asking to have supplied? 27:06 What is that one thing that can meet and change your marriage 27:10 for the better? 27:12 If you're single, what is the one change you can 27:15 make to take you from a mere date to your forever mate? 27:19 Search for it until you find it and change 27:23 your situation today. 27:25 Thanks for tuning in, join us next time 27:28 on the "Road to Romance." |
Revised 2017-03-08