Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Don & Elaine, Kerissa, Robert & Tangela
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000006
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00:22 Hello, welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:25 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob 00:27 Let's welcome back Kerissa. 00:28 Welcome Kerissa! Hi. 00:31 So you had quite a time with your new friend, 00:36 your special admirer, secret admirer the last time. 00:39 Did you guys talk? 00:41 Did you have any kind of a conversation, connection 00:46 from the last time until now? 00:48 We did talk about it, but, as I said before, 00:51 it wasn't really a bid deal, I wasn't trying to 00:56 carry something further with him at the moment, 01:00 but it was very interesting to find that out. 01:04 Um, how well I actually knew him. 01:06 Yes, that was commendable. 01:08 It means that you also know yourself, 01:10 and it means that you have good instinct, good intuition, 01:13 you can spend some time with someone on a friendly basis 01:17 and still be able to assess them which is good for you, 01:20 excellent, right? Yes 01:21 Okay, so today, our topic and our theme is "Change." Okay 01:26 So I understand that you're in-between relationships. 01:28 One of the mistakes that people make when they're in-between 01:32 is not to assess the last relationship 01:36 or assess themselves... 01:38 So there's no growth from one relationship to the next 01:42 and then they make the same mistake, 01:43 they make the same choices. 01:45 So, for you, if you were to reflect, 01:47 is there anything that you learned from your last 01:51 relationship or that you've reflected on in-between 01:53 relationships that you can share with us? 01:56 One thing I have to say off the top of my head is that 02:00 I've realized that I'm very indecisive. 02:03 That's the pattern I've seen in past relationships. 02:07 Indecisive, so tell me how that indecision plays out... 02:10 Like, you'll see a guy and you don't know whether 02:14 you should go after him or whether or not you should 02:18 accept his advance or how does that work? 02:20 Well, as I've said before that I've tried to talk to guys, 02:27 they've showed interest in me, but it hasn't gone pretty far 02:33 because I've thought that I needed time to think 02:39 if they were the right person... 02:42 That's where my indecisiveness came into play 02:44 because I always wanted to try to make the right choice. 02:47 So let's talk about parents. 02:49 Most people don't think about their 02:53 parents when they're dating. 02:55 But what our research has shown is that, you remember, 02:58 you had an XX personality which means 03:01 high need for communication and high need for intimacy... 03:04 Well, what we found is there is sort of 03:06 a genetic inheritance meaning... 03:09 There is probably a parent, one of your parents 03:12 that has the same profile in terms of personality, 03:15 and so what you find is that very often we get along better 03:19 with the parent that is most like us and sometimes 03:22 we don't get along with the parent that is - let's say 03:25 in your case, a Y-type. 03:27 Has that been an experience of yours? 03:29 I mean, did you experience that with your parents? 03:31 Yes, I would say so... my mom, she loves to communicate 03:36 just like me - I'm closer to my mom because she loves to talk 03:40 about everyday life with me and our relationship 03:44 has grown a lot because I've become older, 03:48 and when I was younger, of course, 03:51 I didn't want to really talk so much to my mother, 03:54 but I think that that's something that young girls 03:57 tend to do, but as you get older, 03:59 you tend to depend more on your mother. 04:02 My father - I have a close relationship with him, 04:05 but don't talk to him as much as my mom because 04:08 as you said in the results... like there's a Y factor, 04:13 and I think that my father fits that perfectly... 04:16 So, we don't communicate as much because 04:20 that's his relationship personality. 04:23 What about your siblings? 04:24 If your dad is a YY and your mom is an XX, 04:27 by your estimation and after yesterday with your 04:29 admirer, we know that you have a 04:31 really good intuition. Right? Um hm 04:33 So let's say your mom is X, and your dad is Y, 04:36 what about your siblings, do you have 2 siblings? 04:38 I have two siblings. 04:40 And where would you place them? 04:41 Actually, both of my siblings, they are both Ys. 04:45 They are YX's and I am the only 04:49 one that is an XX with my mother. 04:52 They don't talk as much as me and my mom, I could see that. 04:57 They like solitude - they like to be by themselves at times. 05:02 They just don't communicate as much - that doesn't mean 05:04 that they don't like to talk, but they just don't talk 05:08 as much and they'd rather their personal space. 05:11 I mean it's amazing how it fits genetically... 05:16 how you can inherit something like this from one parent 05:19 and not the other. 05:21 I mean, there's so many parents in this country 05:24 and in countries abroad that are having difficulty 05:28 getting along with a child and not knowing that the 05:31 only problem is that they have a relationship personality 05:35 that's different - just out of sheer interest. 05:38 You're 22 years old, you said you graduated 05:41 a week ago, so you're about to look for a job probably, 05:46 and go out into the working world. 05:48 Well we have also discovered that your boss, 05:51 if your boss has a Y-type personality and you have an X, 05:54 The research that we've done so far has really shown 05:58 that the Y-type also tends to favor Y-type employees. 06:04 And the X-type employees sometimes have a hard time 06:07 getting ahead. Why? 06:08 Because you're going to your boss's office and your boss 06:11 will say, "Hi, what do you want?" 06:14 And he just wants you to get to the bottom line. 06:16 Whereas the X-type employee will say, 06:17 "Well, hi, hello, how's your family, how are your kids?" 06:20 That is not what the Y-type boss wants. 06:23 And do we are now going into 06:24 that branch of research, but you keep that in 06:26 mind when you're going out there when you're interviewing. 06:28 It will be nice to find out. 06:30 I wonder if the people that are interviewing me... 06:31 Are they more a Y-type profile, you know, just the facts, 06:36 just business or do they want collegial sort of, you know, 06:40 casual conversation like an icebreaker. 06:43 This is how far-reaching XY theory is 06:46 in what it can do and what you can use it for. 06:50 In the time we have left, I wanted to point something out 06:52 again about the difference between an X-type parent 06:55 and a Y-type parent. 06:56 What we found is that X-type parents, particularly mothers, 07:01 are often not willing to let go of their children 07:05 even when they have reached your age. 07:08 They have a really hard time weaning you out, 07:12 and preparing you for an independent life out there. 07:18 Have you noticed anything like that because you're 22, 07:21 and you must be making plans to probably move away from home, 07:25 find a job probably away from home. 07:26 What are your plans and how is the XY factor affecting you? 07:31 Well I am planning to go to France for 10 months 07:35 which is a school year and I am looking to learn French, 07:42 trying to be fluent in French so that's why I'm very much 07:45 interested as well as fashion, so I'm taking that opportunity 07:50 grow more in French which will help me in the fashion industry. 07:55 And I know that my mom, she's very much excited 07:57 for me on this endeavor, but as you said, 08:01 these X-type moms, it's hard for them to let go. 08:06 She's very much excited, but she's weaning me, 08:10 like a little bit - like edging me off 08:12 a little bit, a little bit, and so it's hard on her, 08:15 but she's willing to do it because she knows that 08:18 it will help me better myself. 08:21 Very good and I'm happy about the France plans. 08:25 Let me give you an assignment for the next time... 08:27 We're going to look at practical ways that you can solve your 08:30 dating experience... just practical ways. 08:33 Anything you can think about, 08:34 and we'll talk about that the next time. Okay 08:43 Let's welcome Robert and Tangela back to "Road to Romance" 08:47 Robert, Tangela - welcome! Thank you. Thank you! 08:50 You've been doing more tests with me than you probably 08:54 have done all your life. Oh yeah! Oh yes. 08:57 I gave you a test, but I didn't really explain 09:01 in detail what you were actually required to do. 09:05 And the reason for that is... if I did, it would 09:08 invalidate the test to some degree because then 09:10 you would know what to look for. Okay 09:11 But now I can tell you. All right. 09:13 All right, so the test really was about adaptability. Right? 09:17 Again, research shows that adaptability is 09:21 really key in ensuring that you guys 09:25 could sustain a relationship. Yes 09:27 So some of these questions, it seemed like they had 09:30 absolutely nothing to do with that, 09:31 but in fact, they did. 09:33 So let me start off by saying that once again, 09:36 your answers were perfectly matched. Wow 09:40 Which doesn't really, usually happen! Okay 09:44 But when it comes to adaptability, 09:46 you guys have the same ideas about it. 09:50 So I'm going to try to tease that out a little bit, 09:51 and see if I can find a little bit of wiggle room. Okay! 09:54 To make sure that you guys are really on the same page. 09:57 So Robert, you said that you prefer not to have 10:01 to adapt much or to adjust 10:04 to someone else in a relationship. 10:05 Would you like to explain that a little? 10:08 Yeah, I have a pretty tight schedule and I like 10:14 the freedom of flexibility to make those decisions on my own. 10:18 And when someone else puts anything into it, 10:22 it's very, very challenging for me. Okay 10:24 So I like that freedom. All right. 10:27 So Tangela, you also prefer not to adapt or adjust 10:32 to someone else - could you explain that? 10:33 Well, I think that there's different circumstances 10:38 because there are sometimes in a relationship 10:40 we must compromise. 10:41 You know, there are certain days where someone may 10:44 have to do certain things and you can work out your schedule. 10:47 You know, just like with my job, 10:49 everyone has a different job and flexibility. 10:51 With my boss, if there's something that I have to do 10:53 that's important for my family or someone important in my life, 10:58 then, of course, but I prefer if I have to do something 11:01 important, I don't want to always change 11:03 my schedule for someone else and decide on 11:05 what it is that I have to do when I'm willing 11:08 to compromise for the right reasons in the right time. 11:12 And I guess I could say that was a good answer! 11:16 Robert - not wanting to adapt or adjust, 11:19 if Tangela felt the exact same way and really meant 11:23 that you two would be in a relationship where 11:26 no one was willing to compromise... 11:28 You could see where that would create a problem. Right 11:31 And you would probably be coming back to see me and... laughter 11:36 and asking me why I said you were a perfect match! Right? 11:39 But listening to your explanation, 11:41 then it makes a lot of sense. 11:43 You are willing to compromise, you'd probably prefer not to... 11:46 I mean most of us would prefer not to, but you recognize 11:49 that if you have to, for the relationship, 11:51 then you're willing to do that which is perfect. Right 11:54 So as far as adaptability goes, it's ideal for both of you 11:59 to be willing or wanting to compromise and adjust, 12:03 but if one has a more rigid-type of schedule or personality, 12:07 and the other is willing to make the adjustments, 12:09 well it's just the same. 12:11 I mean, you're not going to really notice 12:12 that there's a problem, you shouldn't. Right 12:15 So adaptability was one piece and we have that taken care of. 12:19 The other thing I was really looking for is what we call 12:23 "conflict resolution style." 12:26 It is huge in relationships and marriage. Right 12:30 Very often you learn that from your parents. 12:32 You observe how your parents resolve their conflict, 12:36 and it sort of leaves an imprint on you. Yes 12:39 And when you become an adult, without second thought, 12:43 you actually copy them, you actually imitate them. 12:48 You actually do the exact same thing that they did, 12:50 unless you found it so revolting that you made a conscious choice 12:55 to go the opposite way. Okay So keep that in mind. 12:58 When you're looking at your parents and what you might 13:00 learn from them and what you might copy from them, 13:02 most times, you don't stay in the middle with anything. 13:05 Most times, you either go to the extreme with copying 13:09 what they did or you go the exact opposite way, 13:13 also extreme in avoiding what they did. Right. Okay? Yes 13:17 So for both of you, your conflict resolution style was 13:20 exactly the same... again! 13:23 No surprise or maybe there is a surprise there. Laughter. Right? 13:27 But I mean considering that we're talking about you two 13:30 who have been well-matched from the beginning, 13:33 it's no real surprise. 13:35 So conflict resolution style... Robert I asked you about 13:38 that and you said, you would prefer if you were having 13:41 an argument, you would prefer to take care of it 13:44 right then and there, not wait, unless your partner 13:48 wanted a little time, then you would allow it. Right. Right? 13:51 You, Tangela, you also said, "I want to handle it right now, 13:55 I don't want it to fester, I don't want to put it off for 13:59 3 days to have my partner feel that I'm trying to avoid it. 14:03 That was perfect, and again, what can I say to you two? 14:08 Congratulations, well done! 14:16 Let's welcome back Don and Elaine to "Road to Romance" 14:19 Don and Elaine, welcome! Thank you! 14:21 So the last time we were here, you had some challenges 14:25 that you were working on and you guys did a really good job. 14:29 I'd like to commend you for the progress that you made, 14:31 but you know, we have quite a few goals that we've set. 14:35 At the beginning of the show we did, I think, seven goals, 14:38 and we'd like to continue to make progress toward those. 14:42 Today, we will be focusing on change and I have your 14:44 challenges right in front of me. 14:46 And, Don, would you like to start? 14:49 Would you tell us a little bit about the challenge 14:51 that you had? 14:53 Well, to be appreciative of what Elaine does. 14:57 One of the little quirks that we have... 15:00 Every morning, the bed must be made and it really 15:07 speaks to Elaine when I help her make the bed 15:10 that she doesn't have to ask me to help make the bed 15:13 as if I'm not there, she makes it. 15:14 But when I'm anywhere in the vicinity, she'll say, 15:17 "Well, help me make the bed." 15:19 Well, there have been one or two times during this 15:22 part of our expression here. Yes 15:24 When I voluntarily help make the bed without 15:28 her asking me and she did say, "Thank you," 15:32 after... "Thank you for helping me make the bed." 15:37 So that was just one of the appreciative-type reports. 15:42 And I had mentioned one the last time about putting my 15:46 head on her shoulder and being warm 15:48 and putting my arm around her helped her to 15:53 feel more accepted. Right 15:56 And then we also had some good news 15:59 and we found out about our next home that we 16:02 had been accepted for purchasing that, 16:05 and she had really changed her demeanor quite a bit... 16:08 And it made her very positive and helped me in 16:12 making that bridge to show an appreciation, rubbing, touching 16:17 and that type of reaction on my part. Right, very good. 16:24 And Elaine, what was your challenge? 16:28 Well I would go through the experience that is one 16:30 that happens quite often with us. 16:32 I'm technically challenged especially with computers. 16:36 So I was sitting down at the computer and I needed 16:39 an explanation for something... 16:42 So I asked Don to come over and help me with it. Right 16:46 Well, his helping doesn't help because he wants to do it 16:51 his way and his learning style is not my learning style. 16:55 And so frustration builds and I asked him to stop... 16:59 Well, instead of stop talking, he continues 17:02 and I finally said, "Stop," and again he's does it, 17:06 so I finally took the keyboard and slammed it down. Okay 17:11 And said, "Stop," which he didn't do, but I was able to 17:14 not say anymore and then when I didn't say anymore, 17:18 he stopped... Now, what happens there 17:23 this has happened over many long years and so there are 17:28 triggers that come up with it. 17:31 I'm a teacher... I know what teaching style is. 17:36 He is not a teacher. 17:37 He's an engineer. 17:39 He's an engineer and so I do not think that he understands 17:42 the steps that have to be taken for teaching. 17:46 And I have great difficulty in asking him how to work 17:53 with the computer since what you need are teaching styles 17:57 or not necessarily engineering style. Okay 18:00 And so, you know, we're going through here 18:03 what do I assess with it. 18:05 I think that one thing there that he wants me to see it 18:09 his way because that's the way he understands it. Right 18:13 But that's not the way I think and it's okay 18:17 the way I think - that I am not an engineer, 18:19 that I'm a teacher. 18:20 So your assignment was appraisal, 18:24 and cognitive appraisal involves you trying to assess 18:30 his reasons why he's doing what he does. 18:34 Now both of you, the fact that you had a difference here 18:37 really suggests that you are operating under different rules. 18:40 And your rule says, "If I am asking you to teach me 18:44 something on the computer, then you need to figure out 18:47 what is the best style, the best way to teach me 18:51 and not teach me in your way, your style." 18:55 Is that correct? 18:56 Yes, because our learning styles are different, 18:59 so I can't learn it his style. 19:02 So in order for him to help me, he has to be able to 19:05 learn my style in understanding and that means getting 19:10 into my brain - what is it that I need, 19:14 and he is not able to do that. 19:18 Don, would you like to respond? 19:21 I'm sure you have a different twist. 19:24 Well, certainly my style is different that her style, 19:27 and as an engineer, we're kind of focused on doing it 19:32 my way - you know, engineers don't work 19:36 with feelings necessarily as is common with teachers, 19:40 you know, they're not interacting usually with 19:42 another individual. Right 19:48 So, I think that I have the best approach, 19:51 and I understand the steps, logical steps to go through, 19:55 engineer-type steps to get the computer to work, 20:00 or whatever it is she's trying to do. 20:01 And, of course, that butts up with the kind of style 20:05 that she has is more touchy-feely than what 20:09 an engineer would normally, you know, express. Yes 20:14 So, Elaine, this has been going on for a while? Yes 20:17 Especially on the computer. Especially on the computer! 20:20 Have you ever considered asking someone else? 20:23 Yes, but usually there's nobody else in the house. 20:25 Have you considered getting on the phone and calling 20:30 a friend, family member, church member, 20:32 maybe even a technician. 20:35 I have and I have just gotten an Apple Computer, 20:41 and have signed up to talk with a technician. Very good 20:46 So you are finding some alternatives. 20:49 The reason why I'm asking this is because of a simple fact... 20:53 It's been said, research-wise, 73% of the differences 21:00 and the arguments that couples have are not solvable. 21:05 Seventy-three % - think about that, three-quarters of the 21:07 things that you guys argue about, the greatest experts 21:12 nationwide, worldwide are saying, "there is no 21:15 solution to this." 21:17 So, this isn't unique to you, it just means that there are 21:21 other couples out there that are finding alternative routes 21:25 to solving a problem because it just cannot be solved. 21:28 I'll give you an example, you guys just bought a home. 21:31 We'll talk about that eventually. 21:32 But let's suppose you wanted to live on the East Coast, 21:36 and he wanted live on the West Coast, 21:38 well there's no big room for compromise there. 21:41 Deciding to live somewhere in the middle, 21:43 deciding to live in Idaho or Mississippi or New Orleans 21:47 is not going to solve that problem because neither 21:49 of you will be happy. 21:50 So with a situation like that, someone is going to have 21:53 to completely submit to the other person's wish, 21:58 hopefully after a lot of compromise and negotiation, 22:01 but that would be an example of something that 22:03 would defy, you know, solution... there is none. 22:06 There's no middle ground. 22:08 There are a lot of things that are like that. 22:09 So if you know that 73% of the things that you have 22:12 differences about won't change, then it forces you to think 22:16 of some absolute alternatives, 22:19 and it sounds like you're already doing that. 22:21 Don, you're an engineer, I couldn't expect you to 22:25 necessarily find ways to teach, I mean, there's a possibility 22:29 that you could, but a lot of engineers can't. 22:31 A lot of engineers that I know, computer programmers, 22:33 I've actually asked several of them to show me different 22:35 things and I've noticed, even the technician 22:38 at my office has a really hard time to come down to 22:41 my level to explain things to me and I just bypass him 22:45 and go to somebody else because 22:47 that's a practical way to take care of it. 22:49 So change is very tricky and I want to explain how it is 22:52 for Xs and Ys... remember you're still an X-type, 22:55 and you're still a Y-type and we're still dealing with 22:57 those differences. 22:59 Y- types, we found, really are resistant to change. 23:03 So this isn't even about just a computer, 23:05 I'm sure you found some other things that you've been 23:07 asking Don to do that are completely within his 23:11 purview to do, but maybe you've seen 23:13 some resistance. 23:15 Y- types do not enjoy change and for some strange reason, 23:19 it seems like staying close to the core of who they are, 23:22 staying true to who they are and what they're all about 23:26 makes them feel a sense of security, a sense of comfort. 23:30 X- types are not like that at all. 23:32 X- types are flexible, they can morph, they can change, 23:35 they can assimilate, they can, just bend to whatever 23:40 the situation they need to bend to. 23:42 So there's a huge difference and you guys need 23:46 to keep that in mind because it's very difficult to change 23:48 that aspect of your personality. 23:51 Also, what we've discovered in research in studies, 23:55 the more couples and individuals within the 23:59 diet or within the couple are forced to change, 24:02 guess what happens to marital satisfaction? 24:04 It actually goes down. Yeah 24:06 The more you require your partner to change, 24:09 the unhappier they are in the marriage. 24:12 It's a statistical fact. 24:13 So couples are encouraged to do what we call, 24:17 "shrink the change." 24:19 You see that this much change is needed, you shrink it down. 24:23 You see that you have this many expectations, 24:25 you shrink that list down because you're trying 24:28 to keep the marital satisfaction up. 24:29 You guys have been doing great. 24:31 The next time you're here, we'll talk about 24:34 "practical applications." 24:37 How does that sound? Okay. Good 24:45 There is an uncanny similarity between what your 24:48 relationship with God requires and what is required of your 24:51 earthly relationship. 24:53 He desires both intimacy with His children and 24:56 interaction. 24:57 Deuteronomy 6:5 says, and I paraphrase... 25:00 "And what is required of thee, but to love the Lord your God 25:03 with all your heart and with all your soul." 25:05 Another Scripture is Isaiah 1:18: 25:08 "Come now let us reason together." 25:10 Clearly God is encouraging us to communicate with Him. 25:13 James the Apostle said: "Faith without works 25:16 or action is dead." 25:19 Communication, intimacy and action are required 25:22 for closeness to God. 25:24 How ironic that all the research done on human 25:27 relationships found exactly the same... 25:29 Communication, intimacy and actions... 25:33 this is how we connect with God. 25:35 Apparently, this is how God expects us to prove 25:38 our love to each other and connect to each other as well. 25:41 Our conversion makes us willing to change until we 25:45 want to talk to Him; until we want to be 25:48 intimate and close to Him and to make adjustments for Him. 25:52 But somehow, we've convinced ourselves that we can love 25:55 our spouses without talking to them adequately, 25:59 that we don't need to change or we don't need to share 26:02 intimate moments showing, by our actions and our acts 26:06 that we care. 26:08 We are convinced, why do we believe it's okay to work 26:13 so hard to be right with God while we're so wrong 26:17 in how we treat our partners. 26:19 Do you think God is okay with the way we treat each other 26:22 as long as we continue to do right by Him? 26:25 Here are a few ways to fix this... 26:27 1. Get tested, take a test that can help you to 26:31 identify your partner's needs. 26:33 We cannot change anything we're not crystal clear about. 26:36 2. Learn to respond to your partner's bids for time, 26:41 for talk, for space or for affection. 26:43 The oxytocin will flow freely and bonding can begin. 26:48 3. Practice conversion prayer. 26:50 This is where you ask God to bring you more in line 26:54 with your partner's unique needs. 26:56 This way you pray that God changes you 26:58 rather than your partner. 27:00 4. Expect to be adaptable. 27:03 No relationship can survive and flourish if both partners 27:06 aren't willing to adapt to the unique and special 27:09 person that God has placed in your life. 27:12 Join us next time when we'll talk about 27:14 "focusing on one thing." |
Revised 2017-03-01