Hello, welcome
to "Road to Romance"
00:00:22.35\00:00:25.15
I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob
00:00:25.19\00:00:27.29
Let's welcome back Kerissa.
00:00:27.32\00:00:28.79
Welcome Kerissa! Hi.
00:00:28.82\00:00:31.63
So you had quite a
time with your new friend,
00:00:31.66\00:00:36.23
your special admirer,
secret admirer the last time.
00:00:36.26\00:00:39.17
Did you guys talk?
00:00:39.20\00:00:41.00
Did you have any kind of
a conversation, connection
00:00:41.04\00:00:46.84
from the last time until now?
00:00:46.88\00:00:48.64
We did talk about it,
but, as I said before,
00:00:48.68\00:00:51.68
it wasn't really a bid
deal, I wasn't trying to
00:00:51.71\00:00:56.08
carry something
further with him at the moment,
00:00:56.12\00:01:00.66
but it was very
interesting to find that out.
00:01:00.69\00:01:04.03
Um, how well I
actually knew him.
00:01:04.06\00:01:06.29
Yes, that was commendable.
00:01:06.33\00:01:08.40
It means that you
also know yourself,
00:01:08.43\00:01:10.37
and it means that you have
good instinct, good intuition,
00:01:10.40\00:01:13.47
you can spend some time
with someone on a friendly basis
00:01:13.50\00:01:17.47
and still be able to assess
them which is good for you,
00:01:17.51\00:01:20.14
excellent, right? Yes
00:01:20.18\00:01:21.54
Okay, so today, our topic
and our theme is "Change." Okay
00:01:21.58\00:01:25.98
So I understand that
you're in-between relationships.
00:01:26.01\00:01:27.98
One of the mistakes that people
make when they're in-between
00:01:28.02\00:01:32.19
is not to assess
the last relationship
00:01:32.22\00:01:36.96
or assess themselves...
00:01:36.99\00:01:38.66
So there's no growth from
one relationship to the next
00:01:38.69\00:01:42.13
and then they
make the same mistake,
00:01:42.16\00:01:43.80
they make the same choices.
00:01:43.83\00:01:45.70
So, for you, if
you were to reflect,
00:01:45.73\00:01:47.44
is there anything that
you learned from your last
00:01:47.47\00:01:51.07
relationship or that
you've reflected on in-between
00:01:51.11\00:01:53.88
relationships that
you can share with us?
00:01:53.91\00:01:56.24
One thing I have to say
off the top of my head is that
00:01:56.28\00:02:00.35
I've realized that
I'm very indecisive.
00:02:00.38\00:02:03.69
That's the pattern I've
seen in past relationships.
00:02:03.72\00:02:07.52
Indecisive, so tell me how
that indecision plays out...
00:02:07.56\00:02:10.29
Like, you'll see a guy
and you don't know whether
00:02:10.33\00:02:14.06
you should go after him
or whether or not you should
00:02:14.10\00:02:18.07
accept his advance
or how does that work?
00:02:18.10\00:02:20.94
Well, as I've said before
that I've tried to talk to guys,
00:02:20.97\00:02:27.34
they've showed interest in me,
but it hasn't gone pretty far
00:02:27.38\00:02:33.55
because I've thought
that I needed time to think
00:02:33.58\00:02:39.59
if they were the right person...
00:02:39.62\00:02:42.02
That's where my
indecisiveness came into play
00:02:42.06\00:02:44.39
because I always wanted to
try to make the right choice.
00:02:44.43\00:02:47.43
So let's talk about parents.
00:02:47.46\00:02:49.10
Most people
don't think about their
00:02:49.90\00:02:52.97
parents when they're dating.
00:02:53.00\00:02:55.14
But what our research has
shown is that, you remember,
00:02:55.17\00:02:58.37
you had an XX
personality which means
00:02:58.41\00:03:01.11
high need for communication
and high need for intimacy...
00:03:01.14\00:03:04.18
Well, what we
found is there is sort of
00:03:04.21\00:03:06.15
a genetic inheritance meaning...
00:03:06.18\00:03:08.98
There is probably a
parent, one of your parents
00:03:09.02\00:03:12.09
that has the same
profile in terms of personality,
00:03:12.12\00:03:15.72
and so what you find is that
very often we get along better
00:03:15.76\00:03:19.29
with the parent that is
most like us and sometimes
00:03:19.33\00:03:22.53
we don't get along with
the parent that is - let's say
00:03:22.56\00:03:25.70
in your case, a Y-type.
00:03:25.73\00:03:27.37
Has that been an
experience of yours?
00:03:27.40\00:03:29.24
I mean, did you experience
that with your parents?
00:03:29.27\00:03:31.17
Yes, I would say so... my
mom, she loves to communicate
00:03:31.21\00:03:36.14
just like me - I'm closer to
my mom because she loves to talk
00:03:36.18\00:03:40.35
about everyday life
with me and our relationship
00:03:40.38\00:03:44.45
has grown a lot
because I've become older,
00:03:44.49\00:03:48.79
and when I was
younger, of course,
00:03:48.82\00:03:51.13
I didn't want to really
talk so much to my mother,
00:03:51.16\00:03:54.26
but I think that that's
something that young girls
00:03:54.30\00:03:57.87
tend to do, but
as you get older,
00:03:57.90\00:03:59.77
you tend to depend
more on your mother.
00:03:59.80\00:04:02.10
My father - I have a
close relationship with him,
00:04:02.14\00:04:05.34
but don't talk to him
as much as my mom because
00:04:05.37\00:04:08.94
as you said in the results...
like there's a Y factor,
00:04:08.98\00:04:13.65
and I think that my
father fits that perfectly...
00:04:13.68\00:04:16.85
So, we don't
communicate as much because
00:04:16.89\00:04:20.02
that's his
relationship personality.
00:04:20.06\00:04:23.12
What about your siblings?
00:04:23.16\00:04:24.49
If your dad is a YY
and your mom is an XX,
00:04:24.53\00:04:27.20
by your estimation and
after yesterday with your
00:04:27.23\00:04:29.66
admirer, we know that you have a
00:04:29.70\00:04:31.30
really good
intuition. Right? Um hm
00:04:31.33\00:04:33.20
So let's say your mom
is X, and your dad is Y,
00:04:33.23\00:04:36.54
what about your siblings,
do you have 2 siblings?
00:04:36.57\00:04:38.94
I have two siblings.
00:04:38.97\00:04:40.31
And where would you place them?
00:04:40.34\00:04:41.68
Actually, both of my
siblings, they are both Ys.
00:04:41.71\00:04:45.91
They are YX's and I am the only
00:04:45.95\00:04:49.18
one that is an
XX with my mother.
00:04:49.22\00:04:52.82
They don't talk as much as
me and my mom, I could see that.
00:04:52.85\00:04:56.99
They like solitude - they like
to be by themselves at times.
00:04:57.03\00:05:02.50
They just don't communicate
as much - that doesn't mean
00:05:02.53\00:05:04.53
that they don't like to
talk, but they just don't talk
00:05:04.57\00:05:08.07
as much and they'd
rather their personal space.
00:05:08.10\00:05:11.24
I mean it's amazing
how it fits genetically...
00:05:11.27\00:05:16.58
how you can inherit something
like this from one parent
00:05:16.61\00:05:19.75
and not the other.
00:05:19.78\00:05:21.18
I mean, there's so
many parents in this country
00:05:21.22\00:05:24.92
and in countries abroad
that are having difficulty
00:05:24.95\00:05:28.22
getting along with a
child and not knowing that the
00:05:28.26\00:05:31.19
only problem is that they
have a relationship personality
00:05:31.23\00:05:34.96
that's different -
just out of sheer interest.
00:05:35.00\00:05:38.67
You're 22 years old,
you said you graduated
00:05:38.70\00:05:41.84
a week ago, so you're about
to look for a job probably,
00:05:41.87\00:05:46.47
and go out into
the working world.
00:05:46.51\00:05:48.04
Well we have also
discovered that your boss,
00:05:48.08\00:05:51.65
if your boss has a Y-type
personality and you have an X,
00:05:51.68\00:05:54.85
The research that we've
done so far has really shown
00:05:54.88\00:05:58.29
that the Y-type also
tends to favor Y-type employees.
00:05:58.32\00:06:04.19
And the X-type employees
sometimes have a hard time
00:06:04.23\00:06:07.30
getting ahead. Why?
00:06:07.33\00:06:08.70
Because you're going to
your boss's office and your boss
00:06:08.73\00:06:11.47
will say, "Hi,
what do you want?"
00:06:11.50\00:06:14.40
And he just wants you
to get to the bottom line.
00:06:14.44\00:06:16.27
Whereas the
X-type employee will say,
00:06:16.30\00:06:17.74
"Well, hi, hello, how's
your family, how are your kids?"
00:06:17.77\00:06:20.78
That is not what
the Y-type boss wants.
00:06:20.81\00:06:23.28
And do we are now going into
00:06:23.31\00:06:24.65
that branch of
research, but you keep that in
00:06:24.68\00:06:26.55
mind when you're going out
there when you're interviewing.
00:06:26.58\00:06:28.78
It will be nice to find out.
00:06:28.82\00:06:30.15
I wonder if the people
that are interviewing me...
00:06:30.19\00:06:31.82
Are they more a Y-type profile,
you know, just the facts,
00:06:31.85\00:06:36.36
just business or do they want
collegial sort of, you know,
00:06:36.39\00:06:40.90
casual
conversation like an icebreaker.
00:06:40.93\00:06:43.93
This is how
far-reaching XY theory is
00:06:43.97\00:06:46.70
in what it can do and
what you can use it for.
00:06:46.74\00:06:49.97
In the time we have left, I
wanted to point something out
00:06:50.01\00:06:52.91
again about the difference
between an X-type parent
00:06:52.94\00:06:55.51
and a Y-type parent.
00:06:55.54\00:06:56.88
What we found is that X-type
parents, particularly mothers,
00:06:56.91\00:07:01.75
are often not willing
to let go of their children
00:07:01.78\00:07:05.75
even when they
have reached your age.
00:07:05.79\00:07:08.19
They have a really
hard time weaning you out,
00:07:08.72\00:07:12.66
and preparing you for an
independent life out there.
00:07:12.69\00:07:18.23
Have you noticed anything
like that because you're 22,
00:07:18.27\00:07:21.00
and you must be making plans
to probably move away from home,
00:07:21.04\00:07:25.01
find a job
probably away from home.
00:07:25.04\00:07:26.94
What are your plans and how
is the XY factor affecting you?
00:07:26.98\00:07:31.35
Well I am planning to
go to France for 10 months
00:07:31.38\00:07:35.92
which is a school year and
I am looking to learn French,
00:07:35.95\00:07:42.32
trying to be fluent in French
so that's why I'm very much
00:07:42.36\00:07:45.63
interested as well as fashion,
so I'm taking that opportunity
00:07:45.66\00:07:50.37
grow more in French which will
help me in the fashion industry.
00:07:50.40\00:07:54.64
And I know that my
mom, she's very much excited
00:07:55.00\00:07:57.94
for me on this
endeavor, but as you said,
00:07:57.97\00:08:01.48
these X-type moms, it's
hard for them to let go.
00:08:01.51\00:08:06.51
She's very much
excited, but she's weaning me,
00:08:06.55\00:08:10.55
like a little bit
- like edging me off
00:08:10.59\00:08:12.85
a little bit, a little
bit, and so it's hard on her,
00:08:12.89\00:08:15.86
but she's willing to do
it because she knows that
00:08:15.89\00:08:18.73
it will help me better myself.
00:08:18.76\00:08:21.83
Very good and I'm
happy about the France plans.
00:08:21.86\00:08:25.20
Let me give you an
assignment for the next time...
00:08:25.23\00:08:27.44
We're going to look at practical
ways that you can solve your
00:08:27.47\00:08:30.01
dating experience...
just practical ways.
00:08:30.04\00:08:33.17
Anything you can think about,
00:08:33.21\00:08:34.54
and we'll talk about
that the next time. Okay
00:08:34.58\00:08:36.18
Let's welcome Robert and Tangela
back to "Road to Romance"
00:08:43.82\00:08:47.56
Robert, Tangela -
welcome! Thank you. Thank you!
00:08:47.59\00:08:50.36
You've been doing more
tests with me than you probably
00:08:50.39\00:08:53.96
have done all your
life. Oh yeah! Oh yes.
00:08:54.00\00:08:56.67
I gave you a test, but
I didn't really explain
00:08:57.30\00:09:01.20
in detail what you were
actually required to do.
00:09:01.24\00:09:05.47
And the reason for that
is... if I did, it would
00:09:05.51\00:09:08.21
invalidate the test to
some degree because then
00:09:08.24\00:09:10.08
you would know
what to look for. Okay
00:09:10.11\00:09:11.88
But now I can
tell you. All right.
00:09:11.91\00:09:13.42
All right, so the test really
was about adaptability. Right?
00:09:13.45\00:09:17.75
Again, research
shows that adaptability is
00:09:17.79\00:09:21.79
really key in
ensuring that you guys
00:09:21.82\00:09:25.79
could sustain a
relationship. Yes
00:09:25.83\00:09:27.63
So some of these questions,
it seemed like they had
00:09:27.66\00:09:30.03
absolutely
nothing to do with that,
00:09:30.07\00:09:31.87
but in fact, they did.
00:09:31.90\00:09:33.60
So let me start off by
saying that once again,
00:09:33.64\00:09:36.20
your answers were
perfectly matched. Wow
00:09:36.24\00:09:40.41
Which doesn't
really, usually happen! Okay
00:09:40.44\00:09:44.11
But when it
comes to adaptability,
00:09:44.68\00:09:46.01
you guys have the
same ideas about it.
00:09:46.05\00:09:50.05
So I'm going to try to
tease that out a little bit,
00:09:50.09\00:09:51.65
and see if I can find a
little bit of wiggle room. Okay!
00:09:51.69\00:09:54.86
To make sure that you guys
are really on the same page.
00:09:54.89\00:09:57.43
So Robert, you said
that you prefer not to have
00:09:57.46\00:10:01.26
to adapt much or to adjust
00:10:01.30\00:10:03.97
to someone else
in a relationship.
00:10:04.03\00:10:05.60
Would you like to
explain that a little?
00:10:05.63\00:10:08.07
Yeah, I have a pretty
tight schedule and I like
00:10:08.10\00:10:14.34
the freedom of flexibility to
make those decisions on my own.
00:10:14.38\00:10:18.35
And when someone else
puts anything into it,
00:10:18.38\00:10:22.25
it's very, very
challenging for me. Okay
00:10:22.28\00:10:24.92
So I like that
freedom. All right.
00:10:24.95\00:10:27.42
So Tangela, you also
prefer not to adapt or adjust
00:10:27.46\00:10:32.06
to someone else -
could you explain that?
00:10:32.09\00:10:33.90
Well, I think that
there's different circumstances
00:10:33.93\00:10:38.30
because there are
sometimes in a relationship
00:10:38.33\00:10:40.14
we must compromise.
00:10:40.17\00:10:41.77
You know, there are
certain days where someone may
00:10:41.80\00:10:44.74
have to do certain things and
you can work out your schedule.
00:10:44.77\00:10:47.88
You know, just like with my job,
00:10:47.91\00:10:49.51
everyone has a
different job and flexibility.
00:10:49.54\00:10:51.95
With my boss, if there's
something that I have to do
00:10:51.98\00:10:53.88
that's important for my family
or someone important in my life,
00:10:53.92\00:10:58.15
then, of course, but I
prefer if I have to do something
00:10:58.19\00:11:01.42
important, I don't
want to always change
00:11:01.46\00:11:03.79
my schedule for
someone else and decide on
00:11:03.83\00:11:05.93
what it is that I
have to do when I'm willing
00:11:05.96\00:11:07.96
to compromise for the
right reasons in the right time.
00:11:08.00\00:11:11.03
And I guess I could
say that was a good answer!
00:11:12.27\00:11:16.10
Robert - not
wanting to adapt or adjust,
00:11:16.14\00:11:19.61
if Tangela felt the
exact same way and really meant
00:11:19.64\00:11:23.35
that you two would be
in a relationship where
00:11:23.38\00:11:26.01
no one was
willing to compromise...
00:11:26.05\00:11:28.15
You could see where that
would create a problem. Right
00:11:28.18\00:11:30.99
And you would probably be coming
back to see me and... laughter
00:11:31.02\00:11:36.52
and asking me why I said
you were a perfect match! Right?
00:11:36.56\00:11:39.46
But listening to
your explanation,
00:11:39.49\00:11:41.56
then it makes a lot of sense.
00:11:41.63\00:11:42.96
You are willing to compromise,
you'd probably prefer not to...
00:11:43.00\00:11:46.30
I mean most of us would
prefer not to, but you recognize
00:11:46.33\00:11:49.04
that if you have to,
for the relationship,
00:11:49.07\00:11:51.57
then you're willing to do
that which is perfect. Right
00:11:51.61\00:11:54.31
So as far as adaptability
goes, it's ideal for both of you
00:11:54.34\00:11:59.15
to be willing or wanting
to compromise and adjust,
00:11:59.18\00:12:03.12
but if one has a more rigid-type
of schedule or personality,
00:12:03.15\00:12:07.69
and the other is
willing to make the adjustments,
00:12:07.72\00:12:09.79
well it's just the same.
00:12:09.82\00:12:11.26
I mean, you're not
going to really notice
00:12:11.29\00:12:12.89
that there's a
problem, you shouldn't. Right
00:12:12.93\00:12:15.66
So adaptability was one piece
and we have that taken care of.
00:12:15.70\00:12:19.83
The other thing I was really
looking for is what we call
00:12:19.87\00:12:23.67
"conflict resolution style."
00:12:23.71\00:12:26.21
It is huge in relationships
and marriage. Right
00:12:26.24\00:12:30.18
Very often you learn
that from your parents.
00:12:30.21\00:12:32.81
You observe how your
parents resolve their conflict,
00:12:32.85\00:12:36.32
and it sort of leaves
an imprint on you. Yes
00:12:36.35\00:12:39.89
And when you become an
adult, without second thought,
00:12:39.92\00:12:43.89
you actually copy them,
you actually imitate them.
00:12:43.93\00:12:47.53
You actually do the
exact same thing that they did,
00:12:48.50\00:12:50.43
unless you found it so revolting
that you made a conscious choice
00:12:50.47\00:12:55.34
to go the opposite way.
Okay So keep that in mind.
00:12:55.37\00:12:58.47
When you're looking at
your parents and what you might
00:12:58.57\00:13:00.48
learn from them and what
you might copy from them,
00:13:00.51\00:13:02.31
most times, you don't stay
in the middle with anything.
00:13:02.34\00:13:05.88
Most times, you either go
to the extreme with copying
00:13:05.91\00:13:09.45
what they did or you
go the exact opposite way,
00:13:09.48\00:13:12.99
also extreme in avoiding
what they did. Right. Okay? Yes
00:13:13.02\00:13:16.93
So for both of you, your
conflict resolution style was
00:13:17.99\00:13:20.76
exactly the same... again!
00:13:20.80\00:13:23.73
No surprise or maybe there is a
surprise there. Laughter. Right?
00:13:23.77\00:13:27.87
But I mean considering
that we're talking about you two
00:13:27.90\00:13:30.57
who have been
well-matched from the beginning,
00:13:30.61\00:13:33.61
it's no real surprise.
00:13:33.64\00:13:35.11
So conflict resolution style...
Robert I asked you about
00:13:35.14\00:13:38.08
that and you said, you
would prefer if you were having
00:13:38.11\00:13:41.48
an argument, you would
prefer to take care of it
00:13:41.52\00:13:44.89
right then and there,
not wait, unless your partner
00:13:44.92\00:13:48.46
wanted a little time, then you
would allow it. Right. Right?
00:13:48.49\00:13:51.76
You, Tangela, you also said,
"I want to handle it right now,
00:13:51.79\00:13:55.60
I don't want it to fester,
I don't want to put it off for
00:13:55.63\00:13:59.50
3 days to have my partner feel
that I'm trying to avoid it.
00:13:59.53\00:14:03.74
That was perfect, and again,
what can I say to you two?
00:14:03.81\00:14:07.98
Congratulations, well done!
00:14:08.01\00:14:10.71
Let's welcome back Don and
Elaine to "Road to Romance"
00:14:16.32\00:14:19.65
Don and Elaine,
welcome! Thank you!
00:14:19.69\00:14:21.76
So the last time we were
here, you had some challenges
00:14:21.79\00:14:25.79
that you were working on and
you guys did a really good job.
00:14:25.83\00:14:29.06
I'd like to commend you
for the progress that you made,
00:14:29.10\00:14:31.63
but you know, we have quite
a few goals that we've set.
00:14:31.67\00:14:35.20
At the beginning of the show
we did, I think, seven goals,
00:14:35.24\00:14:38.94
and we'd like to continue
to make progress toward those.
00:14:38.97\00:14:42.44
Today, we will be focusing
on change and I have your
00:14:42.48\00:14:44.85
challenges right in front of me.
00:14:44.88\00:14:46.35
And, Don, would
you like to start?
00:14:46.38\00:14:49.62
Would you tell us a
little bit about the challenge
00:14:49.65\00:14:51.75
that you had?
00:14:51.79\00:14:53.12
Well, to be appreciative
of what Elaine does.
00:14:53.15\00:14:57.69
One of the little
quirks that we have...
00:14:57.73\00:15:00.13
Every morning, the bed
must be made and it really
00:15:00.16\00:15:07.84
speaks to Elaine when
I help her make the bed
00:15:07.87\00:15:10.47
that she doesn't have to
ask me to help make the bed
00:15:10.51\00:15:13.31
as if I'm not
there, she makes it.
00:15:13.34\00:15:14.94
But when I'm anywhere in
the vicinity, she'll say,
00:15:14.98\00:15:17.91
"Well, help me make the bed."
00:15:17.95\00:15:19.35
Well, there have been
one or two times during this
00:15:19.38\00:15:22.28
part of our expression here. Yes
00:15:22.32\00:15:24.85
When I voluntarily
help make the bed without
00:15:24.89\00:15:28.56
her asking me and
she did say, "Thank you,"
00:15:28.59\00:15:32.19
after... "Thank you for
helping me make the bed."
00:15:32.23\00:15:37.40
So that was just one of
the appreciative-type reports.
00:15:37.43\00:15:42.27
And I had mentioned one
the last time about putting my
00:15:42.30\00:15:46.27
head on her
shoulder and being warm
00:15:46.31\00:15:48.88
and putting my arm
around her helped her to
00:15:48.91\00:15:53.68
feel more accepted. Right
00:15:53.72\00:15:56.52
And then we also
had some good news
00:15:56.55\00:15:59.65
and we found out
about our next home that we
00:15:59.69\00:16:02.56
had been accepted
for purchasing that,
00:16:02.59\00:16:05.03
and she had really changed
her demeanor quite a bit...
00:16:05.06\00:16:08.36
And it made her very
positive and helped me in
00:16:08.40\00:16:12.33
making that bridge to show an
appreciation, rubbing, touching
00:16:12.37\00:16:17.41
and that type of reaction
on my part. Right, very good.
00:16:17.44\00:16:24.65
And Elaine, what
was your challenge?
00:16:24.68\00:16:27.02
Well I would go through
the experience that is one
00:16:28.08\00:16:30.59
that happens
quite often with us.
00:16:30.62\00:16:32.95
I'm technically challenged
especially with computers.
00:16:32.99\00:16:36.73
So I was sitting down at
the computer and I needed
00:16:36.76\00:16:39.46
an explanation for something...
00:16:39.49\00:16:42.66
So I asked Don to come
over and help me with it. Right
00:16:42.70\00:16:46.74
Well, his helping doesn't
help because he wants to do it
00:16:46.77\00:16:51.21
his way and his learning
style is not my learning style.
00:16:51.24\00:16:55.31
And so frustration builds
and I asked him to stop...
00:16:55.34\00:16:59.21
Well, instead of
stop talking, he continues
00:16:59.25\00:17:02.68
and I finally said,
"Stop," and again he's does it,
00:17:02.72\00:17:06.32
so I finally took the keyboard
and slammed it down. Okay
00:17:06.35\00:17:10.99
And said, "Stop," which he
didn't do, but I was able to
00:17:11.03\00:17:14.13
not say anymore and then
when I didn't say anymore,
00:17:14.16\00:17:18.47
he stopped...
Now, what happens there
00:17:18.50\00:17:23.27
this has happened over
many long years and so there are
00:17:23.30\00:17:28.68
triggers that come up with it.
00:17:28.71\00:17:31.01
I'm a teacher... I
know what teaching style is.
00:17:31.05\00:17:36.05
He is not a teacher.
00:17:36.08\00:17:37.42
He's an engineer.
00:17:37.45\00:17:39.35
He's an engineer and so I do
not think that he understands
00:17:39.39\00:17:42.96
the steps that have
to be taken for teaching.
00:17:42.99\00:17:46.36
And I have great difficulty
in asking him how to work
00:17:46.39\00:17:53.17
with the computer since what
you need are teaching styles
00:17:53.20\00:17:57.44
or not necessarily
engineering style. Okay
00:17:57.47\00:18:00.41
And so, you know,
we're going through here
00:18:00.44\00:18:03.45
what do I assess with it.
00:18:03.48\00:18:05.68
I think that one thing
there that he wants me to see it
00:18:05.71\00:18:09.58
his way because that's the
way he understands it. Right
00:18:09.62\00:18:13.42
But that's not the
way I think and it's okay
00:18:13.76\00:18:17.46
the way I think -
that I am not an engineer,
00:18:17.49\00:18:19.46
that I'm a teacher.
00:18:19.49\00:18:20.83
So your
assignment was appraisal,
00:18:20.86\00:18:24.63
and cognitive appraisal
involves you trying to assess
00:18:24.67\00:18:30.67
his reasons why
he's doing what he does.
00:18:30.71\00:18:34.31
Now both of you, the fact
that you had a difference here
00:18:34.34\00:18:37.35
really suggests that you are
operating under different rules.
00:18:37.38\00:18:40.68
And your rule says, "If
I am asking you to teach me
00:18:40.72\00:18:44.85
something on the computer,
then you need to figure out
00:18:44.89\00:18:47.09
what is the best style,
the best way to teach me
00:18:47.12\00:18:51.19
and not teach me in
your way, your style."
00:18:51.23\00:18:54.96
Is that correct?
00:18:55.00\00:18:56.33
Yes, because our
learning styles are different,
00:18:56.36\00:18:59.53
so I can't learn it his style.
00:18:59.57\00:19:02.07
So in order for him to
help me, he has to be able to
00:19:02.10\00:19:05.84
learn my style in understanding
and that means getting
00:19:05.87\00:19:10.01
into my brain -
what is it that I need,
00:19:10.05\00:19:14.12
and he is not able to do that.
00:19:14.15\00:19:18.82
Don, would you like to respond?
00:19:18.85\00:19:21.42
I'm sure you have
a different twist.
00:19:21.46\00:19:24.23
Well, certainly my style
is different that her style,
00:19:24.26\00:19:27.53
and as an engineer, we're
kind of focused on doing it
00:19:27.56\00:19:32.47
my way - you know,
engineers don't work
00:19:32.50\00:19:36.34
with feelings necessarily
as is common with teachers,
00:19:36.37\00:19:40.54
you know, they're not
interacting usually with
00:19:40.58\00:19:42.38
another individual. Right
00:19:42.41\00:19:44.11
So, I think that I
have the best approach,
00:19:48.38\00:19:51.62
and I understand the steps,
logical steps to go through,
00:19:51.65\00:19:55.52
engineer-type steps to
get the computer to work,
00:19:55.56\00:20:00.20
or whatever it is
she's trying to do.
00:20:00.23\00:20:01.73
And, of course, that
butts up with the kind of style
00:20:01.76\00:20:05.27
that she has is more
touchy-feely than what
00:20:05.30\00:20:09.44
an engineer would
normally, you know, express. Yes
00:20:09.47\00:20:14.91
So, Elaine, this has
been going on for a while? Yes
00:20:14.94\00:20:17.65
Especially on the computer.
Especially on the computer!
00:20:17.68\00:20:20.82
Have you ever
considered asking someone else?
00:20:20.85\00:20:23.25
Yes, but usually there's
nobody else in the house.
00:20:23.28\00:20:25.72
Have you considered
getting on the phone and calling
00:20:25.75\00:20:30.33
a friend, family
member, church member,
00:20:30.36\00:20:32.96
maybe even a technician.
00:20:32.99\00:20:35.10
I have and I have just
gotten an Apple Computer,
00:20:35.13\00:20:40.97
and have signed up to talk
with a technician. Very good
00:20:41.00\00:20:46.17
So you are
finding some alternatives.
00:20:46.21\00:20:49.04
The reason why I'm asking this
is because of a simple fact...
00:20:49.08\00:20:53.11
It's been said, research-wise,
73% of the differences
00:20:53.15\00:21:00.56
and the arguments that
couples have are not solvable.
00:21:00.59\00:21:05.19
Seventy-three % - think about
that, three-quarters of the
00:21:05.23\00:21:07.73
things that you guys argue
about, the greatest experts
00:21:07.76\00:21:11.53
nationwide, worldwide
are saying, "there is no
00:21:12.33\00:21:15.84
solution to this."
00:21:15.87\00:21:17.61
So, this isn't unique to you,
it just means that there are
00:21:17.64\00:21:21.81
other couples out there that
are finding alternative routes
00:21:21.84\00:21:25.71
to solving a problem because
it just cannot be solved.
00:21:25.75\00:21:28.45
I'll give you an example,
you guys just bought a home.
00:21:28.48\00:21:31.05
We'll talk
about that eventually.
00:21:31.09\00:21:32.65
But let's suppose you wanted
to live on the East Coast,
00:21:32.69\00:21:36.49
and he wanted
live on the West Coast,
00:21:36.52\00:21:38.03
well there's no big
room for compromise there.
00:21:38.06\00:21:41.56
Deciding to live
somewhere in the middle,
00:21:41.60\00:21:43.33
deciding to live in Idaho
or Mississippi or New Orleans
00:21:43.37\00:21:47.27
is not going to solve
that problem because neither
00:21:47.30\00:21:49.24
of you will be happy.
00:21:49.27\00:21:50.74
So with a situation like
that, someone is going to have
00:21:50.77\00:21:53.78
to completely submit to
the other person's wish,
00:21:53.81\00:21:58.31
hopefully after a lot of
compromise and negotiation,
00:21:58.35\00:22:01.12
but that would be an
example of something that
00:22:01.15\00:22:03.35
would defy, you know,
solution... there is none.
00:22:03.39\00:22:06.62
There's no middle ground.
00:22:06.65\00:22:07.99
There are a lot of
things that are like that.
00:22:08.02\00:22:09.92
So if you know that 73%
of the things that you have
00:22:09.96\00:22:12.96
differences about won't change,
then it forces you to think
00:22:12.99\00:22:16.67
of some absolute alternatives,
00:22:16.70\00:22:19.07
and it sounds like
you're already doing that.
00:22:19.10\00:22:21.44
Don, you're an engineer,
I couldn't expect you to
00:22:21.47\00:22:25.94
necessarily find ways to teach,
I mean, there's a possibility
00:22:25.97\00:22:28.98
that you could, but a
lot of engineers can't.
00:22:29.01\00:22:31.38
A lot of engineers that I
know, computer programmers,
00:22:31.41\00:22:33.48
I've actually asked several
of them to show me different
00:22:33.52\00:22:35.88
things and I've
noticed, even the technician
00:22:35.92\00:22:38.25
at my office has a
really hard time to come down to
00:22:38.29\00:22:41.39
my level to explain things
to me and I just bypass him
00:22:41.42\00:22:45.36
and go to somebody else because
00:22:45.39\00:22:47.20
that's a practical
way to take care of it.
00:22:47.23\00:22:49.93
So change is very tricky
and I want to explain how it is
00:22:49.96\00:22:52.87
for Xs and Ys...
remember you're still an X-type,
00:22:52.90\00:22:55.40
and you're still a Y-type
and we're still dealing with
00:22:55.44\00:22:57.94
those differences.
00:22:57.97\00:22:59.37
Y- types, we found,
really are resistant to change.
00:22:59.41\00:23:03.55
So this isn't even
about just a computer,
00:23:03.58\00:23:05.41
I'm sure you found some
other things that you've been
00:23:05.45\00:23:07.82
asking Don to do that
are completely within his
00:23:07.85\00:23:11.89
purview to do,
but maybe you've seen
00:23:11.92\00:23:13.86
some resistance.
00:23:13.89\00:23:15.22
Y- types do not enjoy change
and for some strange reason,
00:23:15.26\00:23:19.09
it seems like staying close
to the core of who they are,
00:23:19.13\00:23:22.76
staying true to who they
are and what they're all about
00:23:22.80\00:23:26.23
makes them feel a sense of
security, a sense of comfort.
00:23:26.27\00:23:30.67
X- types are not
like that at all.
00:23:30.71\00:23:32.57
X- types are flexible,
they can morph, they can change,
00:23:32.61\00:23:35.74
they can assimilate, they
can, just bend to whatever
00:23:35.78\00:23:40.62
the situation
they need to bend to.
00:23:40.65\00:23:42.88
So there's a huge
difference and you guys need
00:23:42.92\00:23:46.52
to keep that in mind because
it's very difficult to change
00:23:46.55\00:23:48.82
that aspect of your personality.
00:23:48.86\00:23:51.63
Also, what we've discovered
in research in studies,
00:23:51.66\00:23:55.50
the more couples and
individuals within the
00:23:55.53\00:23:59.13
diet or within the
couple are forced to change,
00:23:59.17\00:24:02.50
guess what happens
to marital satisfaction?
00:24:02.54\00:24:04.51
It actually goes down. Yeah
00:24:04.54\00:24:06.94
The more you require
your partner to change,
00:24:06.98\00:24:09.88
the unhappier they
are in the marriage.
00:24:09.91\00:24:11.98
It's a statistical fact.
00:24:12.01\00:24:13.75
So couples are
encouraged to do what we call,
00:24:13.78\00:24:17.35
"shrink the change."
00:24:17.39\00:24:19.15
You see that this much change
is needed, you shrink it down.
00:24:19.19\00:24:23.26
You see that you have
this many expectations,
00:24:23.29\00:24:25.69
you shrink that list
down because you're trying
00:24:25.73\00:24:28.00
to keep the
marital satisfaction up.
00:24:28.03\00:24:29.86
You guys have been doing great.
00:24:29.90\00:24:31.83
The next time you're
here, we'll talk about
00:24:31.87\00:24:34.24
"practical applications."
00:24:34.50\00:24:37.41
How does that sound? Okay. Good
00:24:37.44\00:24:40.11
There is an uncanny
similarity between what your
00:24:45.15\00:24:48.35
relationship with God requires
and what is required of your
00:24:48.38\00:24:51.92
earthly relationship.
00:24:51.95\00:24:53.29
He desires both
intimacy with His children and
00:24:53.32\00:24:56.42
interaction.
00:24:56.46\00:24:57.79
Deuteronomy 6:5
says, and I paraphrase...
00:24:57.83\00:25:00.36
"And what is required of thee,
but to love the Lord your God
00:25:00.40\00:25:03.57
with all your heart
and with all your soul."
00:25:03.60\00:25:05.70
Another
Scripture is Isaiah 1:18:
00:25:05.73\00:25:08.24
"Come now let us
reason together."
00:25:08.27\00:25:10.44
Clearly God is encouraging
us to communicate with Him.
00:25:10.47\00:25:13.81
James the Apostle
said: "Faith without works
00:25:13.84\00:25:16.91
or action is dead."
00:25:16.95\00:25:19.21
Communication,
intimacy and action are required
00:25:19.25\00:25:22.85
for closeness to God.
00:25:22.88\00:25:24.22
How ironic that all
the research done on human
00:25:24.25\00:25:27.66
relationships
found exactly the same...
00:25:27.69\00:25:29.79
Communication,
intimacy and actions...
00:25:29.82\00:25:32.99
this is how we connect with God.
00:25:33.03\00:25:35.06
Apparently, this is
how God expects us to prove
00:25:35.10\00:25:38.10
our love to each other and
connect to each other as well.
00:25:38.13\00:25:41.30
Our conversion makes us
willing to change until we
00:25:41.34\00:25:45.67
want to talk to
Him; until we want to be
00:25:45.71\00:25:48.24
intimate and close to Him
and to make adjustments for Him.
00:25:48.28\00:25:52.91
But somehow, we've convinced
ourselves that we can love
00:25:52.95\00:25:55.85
our spouses without
talking to them adequately,
00:25:55.88\00:25:59.05
that we don't need to
change or we don't need to share
00:25:59.09\00:26:02.02
intimate moments showing,
by our actions and our acts
00:26:02.06\00:26:06.59
that we care.
00:26:06.63\00:26:08.06
We are convinced, why do
we believe it's okay to work
00:26:08.10\00:26:13.30
so hard to be right
with God while we're so wrong
00:26:13.34\00:26:17.51
in how we treat our partners.
00:26:17.54\00:26:19.37
Do you think God is okay
with the way we treat each other
00:26:19.41\00:26:22.11
as long as we
continue to do right by Him?
00:26:22.14\00:26:25.55
Here are a few
ways to fix this...
00:26:25.58\00:26:27.35
1. Get tested, take a
test that can help you to
00:26:27.38\00:26:31.25
identify your partner's needs.
00:26:31.29\00:26:33.25
We cannot change anything
we're not crystal clear about.
00:26:33.29\00:26:36.93
2. Learn to respond to
your partner's bids for time,
00:26:36.96\00:26:41.00
for talk, for
space or for affection.
00:26:41.03\00:26:43.73
The oxytocin will flow
freely and bonding can begin.
00:26:43.77\00:26:48.17
3. Practice conversion prayer.
00:26:48.20\00:26:50.67
This is where you ask
God to bring you more in line
00:26:50.71\00:26:54.04
with your
partner's unique needs.
00:26:54.08\00:26:56.04
This way you pray
that God changes you
00:26:56.08\00:26:58.51
rather than your partner.
00:26:58.55\00:27:00.15
4. Expect to be adaptable.
00:27:00.18\00:27:03.18
No relationship can survive
and flourish if both partners
00:27:03.22\00:27:06.69
aren't willing to adapt
to the unique and special
00:27:06.72\00:27:09.79
person that God has
placed in your life.
00:27:09.82\00:27:12.73
Join us next time
when we'll talk about
00:27:12.76\00:27:14.86
"focusing on one thing."
00:27:14.90\00:27:18.40