Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Kerissa, Robert & Tangela, Don & Elaine
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000005
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00:25 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:27 I'm your host Dr. John Jacob 00:29 Today we are going to take a look at how hormones 00:32 and genetics play a vital role in the law of attraction 00:36 and bonding. 00:37 Let's welcome our first guest, Kerissa. 00:40 Welcome Kerissa. Hi 00:42 So, on our last program we asked you to 00:46 try to contact a secret admirer. 00:48 Were you able to do that? 00:50 I actually was able to do that. 00:52 You did? Yes! Oh, very good. 00:54 And you had made some predictions about what his 00:58 personality type would be and we had told you that you 01:00 could take a "Reluctant Partner Test" just in 01:03 the event he wasn't willing. Um hm 01:06 So when you contacted him last night, was he willing? 01:08 He actually was very willing to do it. He was? Yes 01:11 Excellent! So today we get a chance to see 01:14 how accurate you were in your prediction of your friend, 01:18 and whether or not you could actually guess what kind of 01:20 personality your friend has even after a few years 01:23 of that friendship. Yes 01:25 And then we also get to see if the "Reluctant 01:27 Personality Test" can actually do what it says which 01:30 is allow you to test someone that is 5,000 miles away. Um hm 01:35 All right, so we are more anxious than you are 01:38 because you probably already know the result. Right 01:41 I do. You do? I do. Okay. 01:43 Well let's turn to the monitor. Wow... 01:46 So here is your secret admirer, 01:49 and is that what you guessed he would be? 01:52 That's exactly what I guessed. Exactly what you guessed? 01:54 Yes... That is incredible! 01:56 So X moderate which means that he has sort of a 02:02 moderate to high need for communication, 02:04 and X borderline just like you felt. 02:07 You felt that, in terms of intimacy, 02:09 he was right at the border, not needing too much, 02:12 not needing too little and he felt when he took the test, 02:15 himself, he felt the exact same way. 02:18 Well congratulations, you know your friend very, very well! 02:21 Thank you! And you two are just friends. 02:23 Yeah, we're just friends, spend a little time together 02:25 and you're still able to do that - that's excellent! 02:27 And I'm glad that the test worked out that accurately. 02:30 Now out claim is 95% accuracy, well this one is 100% 02:34 which is all we could ask for and this is pretty good. 02:38 So how do you feel about the result though? 02:39 I'm honestly kind of shocked, 02:42 but not surprised at the same time... 02:44 Umm, I had a feeling I was really right, 02:47 but then I felt that it was a possibility that like 02:50 he'd probably be up one level or down one level, 02:54 but I'm kind of shocked he's exactly the same. 02:58 Umm, I guess it was a breath of fresh air to find that out. Yeah 03:03 That I was actually right about my prediction. 03:05 Right. Yeah. So this change anything? 03:07 I'm, you know, getting a little nosey here, 03:09 but does this change anything for the two of you? 03:11 Umm no, umm it's good to know what he is. Right 03:16 And that I was right about him. 03:18 Right now, I'm not really looking too much into it, 03:22 but it's good to know right now. Right 03:25 The last time we met, I sensed you were willing 03:31 perhaps to consider this secret admirer, I'm not sure, 03:36 I may be off base, but I made the point that 03:40 if he had the personality, the type that you 03:43 thought he had, which is borderline on intimacy, 03:47 then that would be something that you would need 03:49 to consider. Um hm 03:50 And you seemed a little reluctant so I figured that 03:54 today I would share a story with you about hormones 03:59 and how hormones and genes affect our choices, 04:03 and affect who we should choose. 04:05 So, let me tell you a bit about some mammals 04:09 called bulls and the reason why bulls are important 04:12 in the whole relationship scheme is the these mammals, 04:16 when they bond, they stay together for life. 04:20 This is what everybody wants. 04:21 Everybody wants a companion that will not abandon them, 04:25 but would stay at their side through thick and thin, right? 04:27 Yes. Okay, so these bulls... 04:29 there are two types... there are the prairie bulls, 04:31 and there are the mountain bulls, 04:33 but the prairie bulls are the ones that stay together for life 04:36 and what the scientists discovered is 04:38 when they captured them, and they checked their blood, 04:41 there was this hormone called "oxytocin." 04:44 Oxytocin is also called the "cuddle hormone" 04:47 or the bonding hormone. 04:48 As human beings, we have the same hormone. 04:50 You have the same hormone. 04:51 You're an X, most likely you have quite a bit of it 04:54 which means that you will bond with someone else 04:58 that has that hormone also. 05:00 Now here's a problem, if you find someone that 05:03 doesn't have that hormone, you're ready to bond 05:05 and commit and they are not ready because they 05:08 don't have the hormones that are responsible for it. 05:10 Do you follow that? Yes. Okay 05:13 So what actually happened with these bulls 05:15 is that they captured them, they put them together 05:19 and discovered that if the male bull died, 05:22 they were so committed to each other that the female bull 05:24 would choose to live, for the rest of her life, alone. 05:28 It was just incredible. 05:29 And then they also found out that when they went up 05:32 to the mountain and they got the cousins, 05:35 you know, the bull cousins, who were not the committed type, 05:39 they would hang with the female for a few weeks and then 05:42 take off and then find someone else and then take off. 05:45 And when they checked their blood, they were short 05:47 on the hormone oxytocin, incredibly. 05:50 So what that really tells us is that hormones play a 05:53 huge role in who we choose and whether or not 05:56 they will be willing to commit, and whether or not 05:59 they would be willing to be good parents 06:01 because that's something else. 06:02 The bulls that were up in the mountain, 06:05 they didn't take care of their young at all. 06:07 As soon as young bulls came on the scene, 06:10 they took off and were never seen again. 06:12 So we did a lot of experiments, other scientists 06:15 did a lot of experiments and every time, 06:17 they kept finding the same thing. 06:18 Hormones really make a difference to the kind of guy 06:22 that you will have, the kind of family man 06:25 that he is going to be and it's really, really important 06:28 to keep that in mind. 06:30 Now you can't really go and 06:31 inject someone to draw blood to find out what they are. 06:35 Can you? No. No, you can't do that. 06:36 So what the personality test does is do that for you 06:40 simply because someone has high oxytocin, 06:43 they're usually an X-type. 06:45 Low oxytocin - they are usually a Y-type. 06:48 And then you have to be concerned about whether 06:50 this person can commit and whether this person 06:52 is on the same page that that you are. 06:55 Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. 06:57 So I thought, by now, you would be asking me 07:00 "Where could you pick this "Oxytocin" up? 07:02 Is it available over- the-counter? 07:04 You know, they've done some experiments on 07:07 some husbands and some boyfriends and they 07:09 sprayed it in their nostrils and those boyfriends 07:11 were more attentive and communicated more 07:14 and were noticing things about their wife that they hadn't seen 07:17 forever. 07:18 So the oxytocin is a good thing, 07:20 but, unfortunately, you cannot pick it up right now. 07:23 Some countries like Australia are actually making it 07:26 more available, but it's all about the hormones. 07:29 You don't have to worry about that, Kerissa, because 07:31 you have the test. Um hm 07:32 So you just need to make a commitment that from hereon 07:35 when you date, you would just test the guy and you'll be safe. 07:39 Sounds good to me. 07:41 Stay tuned and we'll be right back with our new couple, 07:44 Robert and Tangela. 07:52 On our last program, I asked Robert and Tangela 07:55 to write out their expectations, so let's see what they expect 07:59 out of their relationship. 08:00 Robert and Tangela, welcome! Thank you! 08:03 So you had this assignment where you were to, separately, 08:07 write out your expectations for each other 08:09 and for the relationship. Yes 08:11 So Robert, you look really anxious, let's start with you. 08:15 All right, I only have three. Okay 08:17 The first one is - I expect Tangela to express 08:19 her feelings toward me. Right 08:20 I also expect her to understand my feelings. Okay 08:24 And the last thing is - I expect her to accommodate 08:27 my unpredictable work schedule. Okay 08:31 Tell me a little bit about the work schedule. 08:33 Most of my schedules are by appointment only. Okay 08:36 I do have you know, fixed days, I work on maybe twice a week. 08:39 But it's mostly time I'm dealing with clients. All right 08:43 So they can be varying throughout the week. 08:45 And also, maybe a Saturday or Sunday. Okay 08:48 What about night time, you don't work in the night. 08:50 Uh yeah, I do evening appointments, 08:52 usually ending maybe 7 or 8, nothing beyond that. All right 08:55 So you'd like her to be a little flexible with that. Absolutely 08:59 You also mentioned your feelings and I think some of us 09:02 would want to know specifically what feelings 09:04 are you referring to? 09:06 Feelings toward specific situations... 09:09 You know if I'm a little upset about something 09:13 and I don't want her to assume that I'm happy about it. Okay 09:19 Or if I'm happy, I don't want her to assume that I'm sad 09:22 without me expressing it. All right 09:24 So you don't want her to make assumptions. Exactly! 09:27 And, of course, to help her then, you would have to 09:30 communicate what you're feeling so she won't have to guess. 09:33 Because that's the problem, people guess, 09:35 they try to mind read with folks that don't share. 09:38 If you don't share enough, then she has to figure it out. 09:40 Okay, those are just three, I think you could 09:43 work with that right? Yes, definitely. Yeah? 09:46 So what about you? What are your expectations? 09:49 Well the most important thing is to communicate. 09:52 That's the biggest thing in most relationships in general. 09:57 You know, that we understand each other and communicating, 10:00 be able to work through any problems that you may have, 10:04 and so it starts with communication. Right 10:07 And, I too, think that is important that we understand 10:10 each other and be able to express feelings, 10:13 it's very important. Um hm 10:15 And just be a leader, you know, lead - that's important to me. 10:20 And all those things tie in together and pretty much 10:26 what he said - that's the base of a relationship, 10:30 that's an important tool that we all need. 10:33 And, of course, both of us it's important 10:36 to have a relationship with God because He's the One 10:40 that's going to make all of this happen and stay together. 10:45 So we both have to work towards the goal of 10:48 a relationship with God and working through that, 10:50 and when problems do happen, that we know where to go 10:54 is to God and not give up because we know that 10:58 God will be able to help us to be able to communicate, 11:01 to be able to express our feelings and be able to 11:03 be open and understand each other. Right 11:05 Because if you don't have those, you're not going to want 11:07 to understand each other, communicate with each other, 11:11 all those are very important. Right 11:14 And, of course, I'm glad you mentioned going to God, 11:16 because when you discover that the expectations 11:19 are not being met, you might not want to discuss it 11:23 immediately with your partner, you might want to 11:24 talk to Him first about it. 11:26 And the reason why I want to point that out is 11:29 simply because 90% of couples after the commitment is made 11:33 whether it's a marital commitment or just a verbal 11:36 commitment, 90% of them report that they are disappointed 11:41 that the expectations were not met. 11:43 So 90% is pretty high and the way to get around that 11:47 is to simply discuss those expectations before 11:50 so that Tangela could tell you what's realistic and what's not, 11:53 and you could tell her, "Well, that's something 11:55 that I'll have to work on because it's not natural 11:57 for me to do that and that's how you get around that. Okay? 12:01 But you guys did great, that was well done. 12:03 You know, you don't have too many expectations, 12:05 so this shouldn't be a stumbling block. Right 12:08 He could have come up with 25 expectations, 12:10 and then your there wondering, 12:12 Well, what am I going to do? Right? Right. 12:13 So that's not going to be a problem, that's very good. 12:15 Well let's look at the monitor. 12:17 we have a list that I'd like you to take a look at. 12:20 Now you guys did not need to worry about several dates. 12:27 You hit it out of the ballpark from the first test. 12:33 Right? So-to-speak. Um hm 12:35 You guys actually were our perfect match, 12:38 but what they told us in terms of scientists, 12:41 they told us that it takes 12 dates, 12:43 12 dates to figure out exactly what you need. 12:47 And that's if you're going from one relationship to the next, 12:50 and that's if you're analytical and you're maybe taking notes 12:55 and trying to remember, "Okay, what did I not 12:57 like the last time?" 12:58 But it takes 12 dates, but here's what they said... 13:02 One bad date, just one bad date is what it takes 13:07 to change the prospects forever. Hmm 13:09 And the reason for that is, a bad date and the bad 13:13 experience actually changes you. 13:16 It changes your personality. 13:17 It actually reshapes certain portions of your brain. Right 13:21 And causes you, the next time you're dating, 13:24 to make decisions and to make choices that you would not 13:27 have made if you didn't have that painful experience 13:30 that preceded it. 13:31 This is part of the reason why I created the test 13:34 because I'm thinking, "Do we really want to go through 13:37 12 dating situations to find one person, 13:42 and run the risk that maybe the 7th date, 13:46 maybe the 5th date, maybe the 10th date - - 13:48 completely destroys you psychologically, 13:51 lowers your self-esteem and put you in a position where you 13:54 are not even good dating material. Right 13:57 See, let's look at the next... 13:59 So, have either of you heard of "epigenetics?" No. No. 14:03 Nothing at all? No 14:05 Okay, but you've heard of "genetics?" Yes. Yes. 14:07 Okay, I'm just going to go briefly into epigenetics. 14:11 It's a new field - it's just come into play, 14:14 I think it has become really popular in the last 14:17 10 years or so and more so in the last 5. 14:19 But basically, what scientists have found is, 14:22 Not just genetics determine how healthy you're going to be, 14:27 what kind of a personality you're going to have, 14:30 but something called "epigenetics," and this is how 14:32 it works - They are saying that your environment actually 14:35 impacts your genes. 14:36 We thought that your genes impacted your environment, 14:39 you know - impacted your behavior, 14:41 impacted how you lived and what you did, choices you made. 14:44 But now they're saying the choices that you make 14:47 are remembered on your genetic structure. 14:51 They call it a "tag," a little "tag" attaches itself 14:54 to your genes and actually remembers everything, Robert, 14:58 that happened to you. 15:00 All of your childhood experiences, 15:03 all of your experiences while you were dating to get 15:06 up to this point, to meet Tangela. 15:09 And actually has the power to affect how you interact 15:13 with Tangela by switching things on and off. 15:18 You have no way to know what those are, 15:20 and she has no way to know what those are. 15:24 Scientists have found, and this is interesting because, 15:26 you know, as Christians, I thought this was spectacular... 15:30 They've actually found that those tags go back 15:35 or come from three generations. Oh wow! 15:40 And go forward three generations, 15:41 so what you do today, as a couple, 15:44 will affect your children and your children's children 15:46 to the third and the fourth generation 15:48 just like we learn in the Bible. Right 15:51 So science is actually cooperating 15:53 everything that we've studied in the word of God 15:55 which I think is just incredible, it's remarkable... 15:58 Not just your experiences, but your parents experiences, 16:04 and your grandparents experiences. 16:07 Sometimes you find yourself doing something, 16:09 saying something and you wonder, "Why did I do that?" Right 16:12 I couldn't even begin to imagine 16:15 why I did that or why I said that. Right 16:16 And you're saying something that your grandfather 16:19 would have said - that he passed on to you epigenetically, 16:23 and those tags are there like a switch. 16:26 Making you do things which is why it's really good to find out 16:30 about somebody's family. Yes 16:31 So when I told you guys, you're a perfect match, 16:34 but now we have some more work to do... 16:36 that's part of what I meant. Right 16:38 Now you have to find out about his family, 16:39 and you have to meet his family and you have to 16:41 perhaps ask about his grandparents as well. Yes 16:45 The same for you. Yes 16:46 Okay? So bad experiences do change the structure 16:50 of the brain. Absolutely! 16:51 Your ability to make good choices changes, 16:57 but your likelihood of making bad choices also changes. 17:01 It goes both ways... you can get some really good 17:03 genetics and epigenetics from your grandparents 17:07 or you could get some that make your life a little difficult. 17:10 Courtship is the time to determine your adaptability 17:14 not whether or not you are compatible, 17:16 but we just did that. 17:17 We found out that you guys were a perfect match. 17:20 Now I would like to give you a test to find out if 17:22 you are adaptable after you've made the full commitment. 17:25 Are you going to be able to make the adjustments 17:27 that you need to really stay together... that's critical. 17:30 So I'm going to send you guys to do a test now. 17:32 Is that okay? Yes. Perfect. 17:40 Welcome back to "Road to Romance" 17:43 On our last program, Don and Elaine were asked 17:45 to do a special challenge. 17:47 Don and Elaine, welcome! Thank you 17:50 Don, can we start with you? Yes 17:52 What was your challenge? 17:53 My challenge was to ask Elaine things, what you call "bid" 17:58 I believe, that she could do for me that I would 18:04 like to have done at this particular time. Right 18:07 Which sometimes I may not want to ask for... 18:10 Ask her to cook, give me a favorite dessert or 18:16 allow me to stay up later and watch television 18:18 which is not true as I don't really stay up late 18:20 to watch television... that's my own decision. SO.. 18:24 And that's what you had. Yeah 18:26 And the purpose of asking you guys to perform a bid 18:31 or to ask your partner for something 18:33 is simply that in marriages, especially marriages 18:36 that are experiencing some conflict... 18:39 Partners tend not to make bids anymore. 18:43 They've gotten so tired of asking for something 18:47 and not receiving it, that they just stop, 18:49 and that actually begins to harm the relationship, 18:52 and some scientists, some researchers out there 18:55 can actually use the number of bids that are refused 18:58 to tell when a couple is in serious trouble. 19:01 So I thought we'd have what we call "bid week" 19:04 when you would actually be not forced, but sort of 19:08 coerced into creating a goal that allows you the space, 19:14 the freedom to ask Elaine for one thing, at least, 19:17 that you would like her to do or do differently. Um hm 19:21 So, can you give us a couple of examples of what you 19:25 might have asked for during the last several sessions. 19:30 Well, Elaine, what were some of the things that I asked for, 19:35 I'm having trouble remembering. 19:37 Yeah Elaine, you probably could probably would 19:39 be of help and remember exactly what he asked for. 19:40 Did you notice any requests that were... 19:43 I know that she did not complain about the way things 19:48 were cleaned off on the counter. Okay, all right. 19:50 So I didn't verbally put that into words, 19:53 but it's something I did that I received a positive 19:58 comment about and did you fix anything special 20:06 in the way of meals? 20:08 I don't recall your usually saying you wanted some special. 20:12 Oh, okay. 20:15 Elaine, do you recall him asking for anything at all? 20:19 A compliment? Anything. 20:21 He has said that he wanted encouragement. Yes 20:24 I've asked him, "What do you need," and he says, 20:26 "I need encouragement." Good, good. 20:29 So that would be a bid. It is so - encouragement. 20:33 Encouragement and we talked previously about getting things 20:37 cleaned up in the house, getting rooms cleaned up, 20:39 getting the counters cleaned off. Right 20:40 Cleaned up my excess paper, trash... 20:43 however you want to define it. 20:45 And to give me some peace as I work towards that, 20:50 not at her speed, but at my speed. 20:53 It needs to be done and I want to be able to do that 20:58 without the "nagging" part of what sometimes 21:03 goes along with it, when after 42 years, 21:06 you know, "I want this done, I want that done." Right 21:10 Elaine, were you able to provide or answer any of his bids 21:16 when you made these requests? 21:18 Were you able to do any of the things he asked for? 21:19 Compliment? Encouragement? 21:21 I... as he mentioned when he was trying to put the stuff away, 21:27 I would mention that I would like for him to do something 21:30 one time and then don't say it again. That's correct. 21:35 Until I've actually talked with you... Um hm 21:38 Which gave me an avenue of escape, 21:41 so I didn't keep it bottled up inside me. Very good. 21:48 I don't know.. with the encouragement, I thanked him 21:52 for the times the kitchen counter was cleaned off. 21:56 The atrium, it finally was cleared of paper enough 22:00 that I wasn't ashamed for people to come into the house. Right 22:04 Whenever I am teaching piano and I have people 22:08 come in taking piano lessons, so I did feel better about that, 22:14 and thanked him for that. Very good. 22:17 And so, what were your bids for Don? 22:20 I need to be nurtured. 22:24 What would that look like? 22:26 Nurturing - identifying when I am not doing well, 22:34 and I'm dealing with Lyme disease and that has its 22:37 own agenda for all the horrible depression and the mind 22:42 not working like it needs to. 22:45 One of the things that was very noticeable from my 22:51 point-of-view - we were having a rough day one time, 22:56 a little bit of fussing, argument, disagreement, 23:01 and I laid my head on her shoulder and she changed 23:06 almost like that - almost instantly she became very 23:10 loving and quiet, lovable and so I know one of the 23:17 things we were assigned was to touch, 23:20 touching people, appreciation, 23:22 that was on an earlier assignment. Right 23:24 And I applied it in that particular situation 23:27 on that particular day and the change in her behavior 23:30 was immediate, like night to day. Very good. 23:35 So Elaine, let's talk about that a little bit. 23:36 One of his challenges was what I call an "oxy-touch." 23:41 We're talking about hormones and the chemicals that 23:45 help us to bond, you know, in this segment, 23:48 and oxytocin is one of them. 23:50 So I call it an "oxy-touch" which simply means 23:53 any kind of touch that would foster the flow 23:56 of that oxytocin. 23:57 It reduces anxiety and it makes you feel bonded 24:01 and closer to your partner, so he was assigned, 24:03 unknown to you, he was assigned to find some way, 24:07 I didn't tell him exactly what to do in terms of touching, 24:09 but he was assigned to that particular thing 24:11 and from what he reported, it actually worked 24:14 to reduce your anxiety and from what he reported, 24:18 you seemed to appreciate it. 24:21 Do you remember him going that? 24:22 I don't remember the particular incident, 24:27 but I can say, from what you have said, 24:29 that the way you put your head on my shoulder 24:32 indicated to me that you needed me. 24:37 And I have said many times that I need to know 24:40 that you need me. 24:42 And I also had mentioned that what happens in my brain 24:46 whenever there is the arguments and all of the 24:53 confrontations that go through, it's like all these from 24:58 one cell to the next cell in the brain... 25:01 You've got the synapses going, so you've got the 25:03 electric current going and as long as there's a positive 25:07 atmosphere there, that keeps going and bonding takes place. 25:11 Whenever there's confrontation, it's like that electrical 25:15 current is there to go out and it hits a wall, 25:17 and so it just springs back and explodes 25:20 which is a description that what you were talking about 25:24 is in the book - that's what I have described many years. 25:28 I haven't exactly heard anybody else say it, 25:31 but I'm glad that the book agreed with me. 25:33 I'm glad that it did. 25:35 We have a new challenge for you next week and I'm glad 25:37 that you guys are making progress. 25:44 Today we looked at the chemistry of love. 25:46 How our Creator God built us with 80 different hormones 25:51 8 of which are related to relationships. 25:54 Communication and intimacy patterns are so important. 25:58 You need to be aware of your needs as well as your partners. 26:01 We observed, with our couples today, that the issue 26:05 of commitment to working through concerns 26:08 is paramount. 26:09 In the initial stages of a relationship, 26:11 oxytocin runs high and new lovers 26:15 feel so drawn to each other. 26:16 After years of partnering, however, some of the hormones 26:21 related to our emotions are no longer effective. 26:24 It's at that point that the individuals must consciously 26:27 work on their relationship. 26:29 You reach a crossroad where you either work on it, 26:32 or you split up and go your separate ways. 26:34 For Adam and Eve, the hormones worked perfectly 26:37 in a perfect world, but for Samson and Delilah, 26:40 after sin had entered the picture, 26:43 the situation was no longer ideal. 26:46 Samson was driven by his hormones and without 26:49 a connection to God, he was easy prey for Delilah. 26:52 Why would he tell a secret so vital to someone he 26:56 clearly didn't know very well? 26:58 The oxytocin caused him to lower his guard as it always does. 27:02 It makes it very difficult to leave someone even 27:05 in a bad situation. 27:07 It's the hormonal glue that keeps you hanging in there 27:10 in spite of evidence to the contrary. 27:13 Serotonin and other neurotransmitters 27:15 make you more gullible and blind to the faults of your partner. 27:20 The testosterone made Samson a natural risk-taker. 27:24 He needed a high testosterone to fight the Philistines, 27:27 but he needed the power of God to manage this power. 27:31 Join us next time when we discuss 27:34 "Getting your partner to change." |
Revised 2017-02-23