Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
00:00:25.09\00:00:27.56
I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
00:00:27.59\00:00:29.69
Today we are going to
take a look at how hormones
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and genetics play a vital
role in the law of attraction
00:00:32.56\00:00:36.26
and bonding.
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Let's welcome our
first guest, Kerissa.
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Welcome Kerissa. Hi
00:00:40.30\00:00:42.34
So, on our last
program we asked you to
00:00:42.37\00:00:46.37
try to contact a secret admirer.
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Were you able to do that?
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I actually was able to do that.
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You did? Yes! Oh, very good.
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And you had made some
predictions about what his
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personality type would be
and we had told you that you
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could take a
"Reluctant Partner Test" just in
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the event he
wasn't willing. Um hm
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So when you contacted him
last night, was he willing?
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He actually was very
willing to do it. He was? Yes
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Excellent! So today
we get a chance to see
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how accurate you were in
your prediction of your friend,
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and whether or not you could
actually guess what kind of
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personality your friend
has even after a few years
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of that friendship. Yes
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And then we also get
to see if the "Reluctant
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Personality Test" can
actually do what it says which
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is allow you to test someone
that is 5,000 miles away. Um hm
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All right, so we are
more anxious than you are
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because you probably
already know the result. Right
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I do. You do? I do. Okay.
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Well let's turn to
the monitor. Wow...
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So here is your secret admirer,
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and is that what
you guessed he would be?
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That's exactly what I guessed.
Exactly what you guessed?
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Yes... That is incredible!
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So X moderate which
means that he has sort of a
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moderate to high
need for communication,
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and X borderline
just like you felt.
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You felt that, in
terms of intimacy,
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he was right at the
border, not needing too much,
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not needing too little and
he felt when he took the test,
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himself, he felt
the exact same way.
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Well congratulations, you know
your friend very, very well!
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Thank you! And you
two are just friends.
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Yeah, we're just friends,
spend a little time together
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and you're still able to
do that - that's excellent!
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And I'm glad that the test
worked out that accurately.
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Now out claim is 95%
accuracy, well this one is 100%
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which is all we could ask
for and this is pretty good.
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So how do you feel
about the result though?
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I'm honestly kind of shocked,
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but not surprised
at the same time...
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Umm, I had a
feeling I was really right,
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but then I felt that it
was a possibility that like
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he'd probably be up one
level or down one level,
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but I'm kind of
shocked he's exactly the same.
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Umm, I guess it was a breath of
fresh air to find that out. Yeah
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That I was actually
right about my prediction.
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Right. Yeah. So
this change anything?
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I'm, you know,
getting a little nosey here,
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but does this change
anything for the two of you?
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Umm no, umm it's good
to know what he is. Right
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And that I was right about him.
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Right now, I'm not
really looking too much into it,
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but it's good to
know right now. Right
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The last time we met,
I sensed you were willing
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perhaps to consider this
secret admirer, I'm not sure,
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I may be off base,
but I made the point that
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if he had the
personality, the type that you
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thought he had, which
is borderline on intimacy,
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then that would be
something that you would need
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to consider. Um hm
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And you seemed a little
reluctant so I figured that
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today I would share a
story with you about hormones
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and how hormones and
genes affect our choices,
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and affect who we should choose.
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So, let me tell you a
bit about some mammals
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called bulls and the
reason why bulls are important
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in the whole relationship
scheme is the these mammals,
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when they bond, they
stay together for life.
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This is what everybody wants.
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Everybody wants a companion
that will not abandon them,
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but would stay at their side
through thick and thin, right?
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Yes. Okay, so these bulls...
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there are two types...
there are the prairie bulls,
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and there are
the mountain bulls,
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but the prairie bulls are the
ones that stay together for life
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and what the
scientists discovered is
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when they captured them,
and they checked their blood,
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there was this
hormone called "oxytocin."
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Oxytocin is also
called the "cuddle hormone"
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or the bonding hormone.
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As human beings, we
have the same hormone.
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You have the same hormone.
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You're an X, most likely
you have quite a bit of it
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which means that you
will bond with someone else
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that has that hormone also.
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Now here's a problem,
if you find someone that
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doesn't have that
hormone, you're ready to bond
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and commit and they
are not ready because they
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don't have the hormones
that are responsible for it.
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Do you follow that? Yes. Okay
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So what actually
happened with these bulls
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is that they captured
them, they put them together
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and discovered that
if the male bull died,
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they were so committed to
each other that the female bull
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would choose to live, for
the rest of her life, alone.
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It was just incredible.
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And then they also found
out that when they went up
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to the mountain and
they got the cousins,
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you know, the bull cousins,
who were not the committed type,
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they would hang with the
female for a few weeks and then
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take off and then find
someone else and then take off.
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And when they checked
their blood, they were short
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on the hormone
oxytocin, incredibly.
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So what that really tells
us is that hormones play a
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huge role in who we
choose and whether or not
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they will be willing to
commit, and whether or not
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they would be
willing to be good parents
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because that's something else.
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The bulls that
were up in the mountain,
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they didn't take care
of their young at all.
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As soon as young
bulls came on the scene,
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they took off and
were never seen again.
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So we did a lot of
experiments, other scientists
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did a lot of
experiments and every time,
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they kept
finding the same thing.
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Hormones really make a
difference to the kind of guy
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that you will have,
the kind of family man
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that he is going to be and
it's really, really important
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to keep that in mind.
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Now you can't really go and
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inject someone to draw
blood to find out what they are.
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Can you? No. No,
you can't do that.
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So what the personality
test does is do that for you
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simply because
someone has high oxytocin,
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they're usually an X-type.
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Low oxytocin - they
are usually a Y-type.
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And then you have to
be concerned about whether
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this person can commit
and whether this person
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is on the same
page that that you are.
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Does that make sense?
Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.
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So I thought, by now,
you would be asking me
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"Where could you
pick this "Oxytocin" up?
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Is it available
over- the-counter?
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You know, they've
done some experiments on
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some husbands and
some boyfriends and they
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sprayed it in their
nostrils and those boyfriends
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were more attentive
and communicated more
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and were noticing things about
their wife that they hadn't seen
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forever.
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So the oxytocin is a good thing,
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but, unfortunately, you
cannot pick it up right now.
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Some countries like
Australia are actually making it
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more available, but
it's all about the hormones.
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You don't have to worry
about that, Kerissa, because
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you have the test. Um hm
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So you just need to make a
commitment that from hereon
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when you date, you would just
test the guy and you'll be safe.
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Sounds good to me.
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Stay tuned and we'll be
right back with our new couple,
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Robert and Tangela.
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On our last program, I
asked Robert and Tangela
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to write out their expectations,
so let's see what they expect
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out of their relationship.
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Robert and
Tangela, welcome! Thank you!
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So you had this assignment
where you were to, separately,
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write out your
expectations for each other
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and for the relationship. Yes
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So Robert, you look really
anxious, let's start with you.
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All right, I
only have three. Okay
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The first one is - I
expect Tangela to express
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her feelings toward me. Right
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I also expect her to
understand my feelings. Okay
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And the last thing is -
I expect her to accommodate
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my unpredictable
work schedule. Okay
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Tell me a little bit
about the work schedule.
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Most of my schedules are
by appointment only. Okay
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I do have you know, fixed days,
I work on maybe twice a week.
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But it's mostly time I'm
dealing with clients. All right
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So they can be
varying throughout the week.
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And also, maybe a
Saturday or Sunday. Okay
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What about night time,
you don't work in the night.
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Uh yeah, I do
evening appointments,
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usually ending maybe 7 or 8,
nothing beyond that. All right
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So you'd like her to be a little
flexible with that. Absolutely
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You also mentioned your
feelings and I think some of us
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would want to know
specifically what feelings
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are you referring to?
00:09:04.94\00:09:06.88
Feelings toward
specific situations...
00:09:06.91\00:09:09.94
You know if I'm a
little upset about something
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and I don't want her to assume
that I'm happy about it. Okay
00:09:13.21\00:09:19.22
Or if I'm happy, I don't
want her to assume that I'm sad
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without me
expressing it. All right
00:09:22.76\00:09:24.56
So you don't want her to
make assumptions. Exactly!
00:09:24.59\00:09:27.80
And, of course, to help
her then, you would have to
00:09:27.83\00:09:29.96
communicate what you're feeling
so she won't have to guess.
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Because that's the
problem, people guess,
00:09:33.44\00:09:35.27
they try to mind read
with folks that don't share.
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If you don't share enough,
then she has to figure it out.
00:09:38.37\00:09:40.88
Okay, those are just
three, I think you could
00:09:40.91\00:09:43.31
work with that right?
Yes, definitely. Yeah?
00:09:43.35\00:09:46.68
So what about you?
What are your expectations?
00:09:46.72\00:09:49.12
Well the most important
thing is to communicate.
00:09:49.15\00:09:52.69
That's the biggest thing in
most relationships in general.
00:09:52.72\00:09:57.53
You know, that we understand
each other and communicating,
00:09:57.56\00:10:00.63
be able to work through
any problems that you may have,
00:10:00.66\00:10:04.77
and so it starts
with communication. Right
00:10:04.80\00:10:07.07
And, I too, think that is
important that we understand
00:10:07.10\00:10:10.87
each other and be
able to express feelings,
00:10:10.91\00:10:13.27
it's very important. Um hm
00:10:13.31\00:10:15.04
And just be a leader, you know,
lead - that's important to me.
00:10:15.08\00:10:20.72
And all those things tie
in together and pretty much
00:10:20.75\00:10:26.09
what he said - that's
the base of a relationship,
00:10:26.12\00:10:30.36
that's an important
tool that we all need.
00:10:30.39\00:10:33.66
And, of course,
both of us it's important
00:10:33.70\00:10:36.13
to have a relationship
with God because He's the One
00:10:36.16\00:10:40.30
that's going to make all of
this happen and stay together.
00:10:40.34\00:10:45.24
So we both have to
work towards the goal of
00:10:45.27\00:10:48.64
a relationship with God
and working through that,
00:10:48.68\00:10:50.81
and when problems do
happen, that we know where to go
00:10:50.85\00:10:54.32
is to God and not give
up because we know that
00:10:54.35\00:10:58.42
God will be able to help
us to be able to communicate,
00:10:58.45\00:11:00.99
to be able to express
our feelings and be able to
00:11:01.02\00:11:03.46
be open and
understand each other. Right
00:11:03.49\00:11:05.93
Because if you don't have
those, you're not going to want
00:11:05.96\00:11:07.83
to understand each other,
communicate with each other,
00:11:07.86\00:11:11.83
all those are
very important. Right
00:11:11.87\00:11:14.24
And, of course, I'm glad
you mentioned going to God,
00:11:14.27\00:11:16.87
because when you
discover that the expectations
00:11:16.91\00:11:19.37
are not being met, you
might not want to discuss it
00:11:19.41\00:11:23.01
immediately with your
partner, you might want to
00:11:23.04\00:11:24.71
talk to Him first about it.
00:11:24.75\00:11:26.88
And the reason why I
want to point that out is
00:11:26.92\00:11:29.02
simply because 90% of couples
after the commitment is made
00:11:29.05\00:11:33.92
whether it's a marital
commitment or just a verbal
00:11:33.96\00:11:36.59
commitment, 90% of them report
that they are disappointed
00:11:36.62\00:11:41.46
that the
expectations were not met.
00:11:41.50\00:11:43.83
So 90% is pretty high and
the way to get around that
00:11:43.87\00:11:47.40
is to simply discuss
those expectations before
00:11:47.44\00:11:50.07
so that Tangela could tell you
what's realistic and what's not,
00:11:50.11\00:11:53.17
and you could tell
her, "Well, that's something
00:11:53.21\00:11:55.04
that I'll have to work
on because it's not natural
00:11:55.08\00:11:57.81
for me to do that and that's
how you get around that. Okay?
00:11:57.85\00:12:01.48
But you guys did
great, that was well done.
00:12:01.52\00:12:03.85
You know, you don't
have too many expectations,
00:12:03.89\00:12:05.75
so this shouldn't be
a stumbling block. Right
00:12:05.79\00:12:08.22
He could have come
up with 25 expectations,
00:12:08.26\00:12:10.73
and then your there wondering,
00:12:10.76\00:12:12.09
Well, what am I
going to do? Right? Right.
00:12:12.13\00:12:13.46
So that's not going to be
a problem, that's very good.
00:12:13.50\00:12:15.73
Well let's look at the monitor.
00:12:15.76\00:12:17.37
we have a list that I'd
like you to take a look at.
00:12:17.40\00:12:20.60
Now you guys did not need
to worry about several dates.
00:12:20.64\00:12:27.68
You hit it out of the
ballpark from the first test.
00:12:27.71\00:12:33.95
Right? So-to-speak. Um hm
00:12:33.98\00:12:35.32
You guys actually
were our perfect match,
00:12:35.35\00:12:38.09
but what they told us
in terms of scientists,
00:12:38.12\00:12:41.46
they told us that
it takes 12 dates,
00:12:41.49\00:12:43.59
12 dates to figure
out exactly what you need.
00:12:43.63\00:12:47.03
And that's if you're going from
one relationship to the next,
00:12:47.06\00:12:50.93
and that's if you're analytical
and you're maybe taking notes
00:12:50.97\00:12:55.30
and trying to
remember, "Okay, what did I not
00:12:55.34\00:12:57.51
like the last time?"
00:12:57.54\00:12:58.87
But it takes 12 dates,
but here's what they said...
00:12:58.91\00:13:02.54
One bad date, just one
bad date is what it takes
00:13:02.58\00:13:07.08
to change the
prospects forever. Hmm
00:13:07.12\00:13:09.55
And the reason for that
is, a bad date and the bad
00:13:09.58\00:13:13.12
experience actually changes you.
00:13:13.15\00:13:16.16
It changes your personality.
00:13:16.19\00:13:17.86
It actually reshapes certain
portions of your brain. Right
00:13:17.89\00:13:21.33
And causes you, the
next time you're dating,
00:13:21.36\00:13:24.50
to make decisions and to
make choices that you would not
00:13:24.53\00:13:27.64
have made if you didn't
have that painful experience
00:13:27.67\00:13:30.31
that preceded it.
00:13:30.34\00:13:31.77
This is part of the
reason why I created the test
00:13:31.81\00:13:34.54
because I'm thinking, "Do
we really want to go through
00:13:34.58\00:13:37.85
12 dating
situations to find one person,
00:13:37.88\00:13:42.32
and run the risk
that maybe the 7th date,
00:13:42.35\00:13:46.65
maybe the 5th date,
maybe the 10th date - -
00:13:46.69\00:13:48.56
completely destroys
you psychologically,
00:13:48.59\00:13:51.86
lowers your self-esteem and
put you in a position where you
00:13:51.89\00:13:54.36
are not even good
dating material. Right
00:13:54.40\00:13:57.17
See, let's look at the next...
00:13:57.20\00:13:58.97
So, have either of you
heard of "epigenetics?" No. No.
00:13:59.00\00:14:03.51
Nothing at all? No
00:14:03.54\00:14:05.61
Okay, but you've heard
of "genetics?" Yes. Yes.
00:14:05.64\00:14:07.44
Okay, I'm just going to
go briefly into epigenetics.
00:14:07.48\00:14:11.51
It's a new field -
it's just come into play,
00:14:11.55\00:14:14.92
I think it has become
really popular in the last
00:14:14.95\00:14:17.02
10 years or so and
more so in the last 5.
00:14:17.05\00:14:19.55
But basically, what
scientists have found is,
00:14:19.59\00:14:22.39
Not just genetics determine
how healthy you're going to be,
00:14:22.42\00:14:27.60
what kind of a personality
you're going to have,
00:14:27.63\00:14:30.10
but something called
"epigenetics," and this is how
00:14:30.13\00:14:32.27
it works - They are saying
that your environment actually
00:14:32.30\00:14:35.30
impacts your genes.
00:14:35.34\00:14:36.67
We thought that your
genes impacted your environment,
00:14:36.71\00:14:39.84
you know -
impacted your behavior,
00:14:39.87\00:14:41.58
impacted how you lived and
what you did, choices you made.
00:14:41.61\00:14:44.78
But now they're saying
the choices that you make
00:14:44.81\00:14:47.08
are remembered on
your genetic structure.
00:14:47.12\00:14:50.99
They call it a "tag," a
little "tag" attaches itself
00:14:51.02\00:14:54.82
to your genes and actually
remembers everything, Robert,
00:14:54.89\00:14:58.69
that happened to you.
00:14:58.73\00:15:00.33
All of your
childhood experiences,
00:15:00.36\00:15:03.67
all of your experiences
while you were dating to get
00:15:03.70\00:15:05.97
up to this
point, to meet Tangela.
00:15:06.00\00:15:08.97
And actually has the
power to affect how you interact
00:15:09.00\00:15:13.27
with Tangela by
switching things on and off.
00:15:13.31\00:15:18.11
You have no way to
know what those are,
00:15:18.15\00:15:20.95
and she has no way
to know what those are.
00:15:20.98\00:15:24.29
Scientists have found, and
this is interesting because,
00:15:24.32\00:15:26.62
you know, as Christians, I
thought this was spectacular...
00:15:26.65\00:15:30.29
They've actually found
that those tags go back
00:15:30.33\00:15:35.43
or come from three
generations. Oh wow!
00:15:35.46\00:15:40.04
And go forward
three generations,
00:15:40.07\00:15:41.90
so what you do
today, as a couple,
00:15:41.94\00:15:44.01
will affect your children
and your children's children
00:15:44.04\00:15:46.64
to the third and
the fourth generation
00:15:46.68\00:15:48.94
just like we learn
in the Bible. Right
00:15:48.98\00:15:51.28
So science is
actually cooperating
00:15:51.31\00:15:53.78
everything that we've
studied in the word of God
00:15:53.82\00:15:55.88
which I think is just
incredible, it's remarkable...
00:15:55.92\00:15:58.85
Not just your experiences,
but your parents experiences,
00:15:58.89\00:16:04.56
and your
grandparents experiences.
00:16:04.59\00:16:07.00
Sometimes you find
yourself doing something,
00:16:07.03\00:16:09.66
saying something and you wonder,
"Why did I do that?" Right
00:16:09.70\00:16:12.70
I couldn't even begin to imagine
00:16:12.73\00:16:15.14
why I did that or
why I said that. Right
00:16:15.17\00:16:16.60
And you're saying
something that your grandfather
00:16:16.64\00:16:19.04
would have said - that he
passed on to you epigenetically,
00:16:19.07\00:16:23.65
and those tags are
there like a switch.
00:16:23.68\00:16:26.65
Making you do things which is
why it's really good to find out
00:16:26.68\00:16:30.02
about somebody's family. Yes
00:16:30.05\00:16:31.95
So when I told you
guys, you're a perfect match,
00:16:31.99\00:16:34.42
but now we have
some more work to do...
00:16:34.46\00:16:36.09
that's part of
what I meant. Right
00:16:36.12\00:16:38.03
Now you have to find
out about his family,
00:16:38.06\00:16:39.66
and you have to meet
his family and you have to
00:16:39.69\00:16:41.73
perhaps ask about his
grandparents as well. Yes
00:16:41.76\00:16:45.40
The same for you. Yes
00:16:45.43\00:16:46.90
Okay? So bad experiences
do change the structure
00:16:46.94\00:16:50.07
of the brain. Absolutely!
00:16:50.11\00:16:51.61
Your ability to make
good choices changes,
00:16:51.64\00:16:57.58
but your likelihood of
making bad choices also changes.
00:16:57.61\00:17:01.15
It goes both ways...
you can get some really good
00:17:01.18\00:17:03.89
genetics and epigenetics
from your grandparents
00:17:03.92\00:17:07.09
or you could get some that make
your life a little difficult.
00:17:07.12\00:17:10.26
Courtship is the time to
determine your adaptability
00:17:10.29\00:17:14.53
not whether or not
you are compatible,
00:17:14.56\00:17:16.16
but we just did that.
00:17:16.20\00:17:17.53
We found out that you
guys were a perfect match.
00:17:17.57\00:17:20.10
Now I would like to give
you a test to find out if
00:17:20.14\00:17:22.00
you are adaptable after
you've made the full commitment.
00:17:22.04\00:17:25.71
Are you going to be
able to make the adjustments
00:17:25.74\00:17:27.81
that you need to really stay
together... that's critical.
00:17:27.84\00:17:30.51
So I'm going to send
you guys to do a test now.
00:17:30.55\00:17:32.55
Is that okay? Yes. Perfect.
00:17:32.58\00:17:34.22
Welcome back to
"Road to Romance"
00:17:40.99\00:17:43.09
On our last program,
Don and Elaine were asked
00:17:43.12\00:17:45.76
to do a special challenge.
00:17:45.79\00:17:47.53
Don and Elaine,
welcome! Thank you
00:17:47.56\00:17:50.30
Don, can we start with you? Yes
00:17:50.33\00:17:52.43
What was your challenge?
00:17:52.47\00:17:53.90
My challenge was to ask Elaine
things, what you call "bid"
00:17:53.94\00:17:58.64
I believe, that she
could do for me that I would
00:17:58.67\00:18:04.11
like to have done at
this particular time. Right
00:18:04.15\00:18:07.38
Which sometimes I may
not want to ask for...
00:18:07.42\00:18:10.05
Ask her to cook, give
me a favorite dessert or
00:18:10.09\00:18:15.59
allow me to stay up
later and watch television
00:18:16.76\00:18:18.93
which is not true as I
don't really stay up late
00:18:18.96\00:18:20.76
to watch television...
that's my own decision. SO..
00:18:20.80\00:18:24.87
And that's what you had. Yeah
00:18:24.90\00:18:26.74
And the purpose of
asking you guys to perform a bid
00:18:26.77\00:18:31.17
or to ask your
partner for something
00:18:31.21\00:18:33.01
is simply that in
marriages, especially marriages
00:18:33.04\00:18:36.58
that are
experiencing some conflict...
00:18:36.61\00:18:39.48
Partners tend not
to make bids anymore.
00:18:39.51\00:18:43.42
They've gotten so
tired of asking for something
00:18:43.45\00:18:47.02
and not receiving
it, that they just stop,
00:18:47.06\00:18:48.99
and that actually begins
to harm the relationship,
00:18:49.02\00:18:52.89
and some scientists,
some researchers out there
00:18:52.93\00:18:55.53
can actually use the
number of bids that are refused
00:18:55.56\00:18:58.80
to tell when a couple
is in serious trouble.
00:18:58.83\00:19:01.30
So I thought we'd have
what we call "bid week"
00:19:01.34\00:19:04.24
when you would actually
be not forced, but sort of
00:19:04.27\00:19:08.18
coerced into creating a
goal that allows you the space,
00:19:08.21\00:19:14.08
the freedom to ask
Elaine for one thing, at least,
00:19:14.12\00:19:17.19
that you would like her to
do or do differently. Um hm
00:19:17.22\00:19:21.19
So, can you give us a
couple of examples of what you
00:19:21.22\00:19:25.43
might have asked for during
the last several sessions.
00:19:25.46\00:19:30.93
Well, Elaine, what were some
of the things that I asked for,
00:19:30.97\00:19:35.10
I'm having trouble remembering.
00:19:35.14\00:19:36.91
Yeah Elaine, you
probably could probably would
00:19:37.61\00:19:39.21
be of help and remember
exactly what he asked for.
00:19:39.24\00:19:40.84
Did you notice any
requests that were...
00:19:40.88\00:19:43.21
I know that she did not
complain about the way things
00:19:43.24\00:19:47.98
were cleaned off on the
counter. Okay, all right.
00:19:48.02\00:19:50.35
So I didn't
verbally put that into words,
00:19:50.39\00:19:53.79
but it's something I did
that I received a positive
00:19:53.82\00:19:58.46
comment about and did
you fix anything special
00:19:58.49\00:20:06.77
in the way of meals?
00:20:06.80\00:20:08.17
I don't recall your usually
saying you wanted some special.
00:20:08.20\00:20:12.04
Oh, okay.
00:20:12.07\00:20:15.31
Elaine, do you recall him
asking for anything at all?
00:20:15.34\00:20:19.25
A compliment? Anything.
00:20:19.28\00:20:21.55
He has said that he
wanted encouragement. Yes
00:20:21.58\00:20:24.92
I've asked him, "What
do you need," and he says,
00:20:24.95\00:20:26.59
"I need
encouragement." Good, good.
00:20:26.62\00:20:28.72
So that would be a bid.
It is so - encouragement.
00:20:29.89\00:20:33.36
Encouragement and we talked
previously about getting things
00:20:33.40\00:20:36.97
cleaned up in the house,
getting rooms cleaned up,
00:20:37.00\00:20:39.40
getting the
counters cleaned off. Right
00:20:39.43\00:20:40.80
Cleaned up my
excess paper, trash...
00:20:40.84\00:20:43.61
however you want to define it.
00:20:43.64\00:20:45.24
And to give me some
peace as I work towards that,
00:20:45.27\00:20:50.55
not at her
speed, but at my speed.
00:20:50.58\00:20:53.25
It needs to be done and I
want to be able to do that
00:20:53.28\00:20:58.35
without the "nagging"
part of what sometimes
00:20:58.39\00:21:03.89
goes along with it,
when after 42 years,
00:21:03.93\00:21:06.86
you know, "I want this
done, I want that done." Right
00:21:06.90\00:21:10.07
Elaine, were you able to provide
or answer any of his bids
00:21:10.10\00:21:16.60
when you made these requests?
00:21:16.64\00:21:18.07
Were you able to do any
of the things he asked for?
00:21:18.11\00:21:19.84
Compliment? Encouragement?
00:21:19.87\00:21:21.68
I... as he mentioned when he was
trying to put the stuff away,
00:21:21.71\00:21:27.15
I would mention that I would
like for him to do something
00:21:27.18\00:21:30.69
one time and then don't
say it again. That's correct.
00:21:30.72\00:21:35.16
Until I've actually
talked with you... Um hm
00:21:35.19\00:21:38.09
Which gave me an
avenue of escape,
00:21:38.13\00:21:41.50
so I didn't keep it
bottled up inside me. Very good.
00:21:41.53\00:21:45.57
I don't know.. with the
encouragement, I thanked him
00:21:48.54\00:21:52.91
for the times the
kitchen counter was cleaned off.
00:21:52.94\00:21:56.01
The atrium, it finally
was cleared of paper enough
00:21:56.04\00:22:00.82
that I wasn't ashamed for people
to come into the house. Right
00:22:00.85\00:22:04.09
Whenever I am teaching
piano and I have people
00:22:04.12\00:22:08.52
come in taking piano lessons,
so I did feel better about that,
00:22:08.56\00:22:14.43
and thanked him
for that. Very good.
00:22:14.46\00:22:17.50
And so, what were
your bids for Don?
00:22:17.53\00:22:20.80
I need to be nurtured.
00:22:20.84\00:22:24.84
What would that look like?
00:22:24.87\00:22:26.88
Nurturing - identifying
when I am not doing well,
00:22:26.91\00:22:34.52
and I'm dealing with
Lyme disease and that has its
00:22:34.55\00:22:37.79
own agenda for all the
horrible depression and the mind
00:22:37.82\00:22:42.86
not working like it needs to.
00:22:42.89\00:22:45.06
One of the things that
was very noticeable from my
00:22:45.09\00:22:50.97
point-of-view - we were
having a rough day one time,
00:22:51.00\00:22:56.00
a little bit of
fussing, argument, disagreement,
00:22:56.04\00:23:01.71
and I laid my head on
her shoulder and she changed
00:23:01.74\00:23:06.88
almost like that -
almost instantly she became very
00:23:06.92\00:23:10.92
loving and quiet,
lovable and so I know one of the
00:23:10.95\00:23:17.79
things we were
assigned was to touch,
00:23:17.83\00:23:20.30
touching people, appreciation,
00:23:20.33\00:23:22.20
that was on an
earlier assignment. Right
00:23:22.23\00:23:24.70
And I applied it in
that particular situation
00:23:24.73\00:23:27.34
on that particular day
and the change in her behavior
00:23:27.37\00:23:30.81
was immediate, like
night to day. Very good.
00:23:30.84\00:23:34.38
So Elaine, let's talk
about that a little bit.
00:23:35.11\00:23:36.71
One of his challenges was
what I call an "oxy-touch."
00:23:36.75\00:23:41.65
We're talking about
hormones and the chemicals that
00:23:41.68\00:23:44.99
help us to bond, you
know, in this segment,
00:23:45.02\00:23:48.02
and oxytocin is one of them.
00:23:48.06\00:23:50.43
So I call it an
"oxy-touch" which simply means
00:23:50.46\00:23:53.06
any kind of touch
that would foster the flow
00:23:53.09\00:23:56.16
of that oxytocin.
00:23:56.20\00:23:57.53
It reduces anxiety and
it makes you feel bonded
00:23:57.57\00:24:01.67
and closer to your
partner, so he was assigned,
00:24:01.70\00:24:03.74
unknown to you, he was
assigned to find some way,
00:24:03.77\00:24:07.04
I didn't tell him exactly
what to do in terms of touching,
00:24:07.08\00:24:09.51
but he was assigned
to that particular thing
00:24:09.54\00:24:11.58
and from what he
reported, it actually worked
00:24:11.61\00:24:14.92
to reduce your anxiety
and from what he reported,
00:24:14.95\00:24:18.55
you seemed to appreciate it.
00:24:18.59\00:24:21.09
Do you remember him going that?
00:24:21.12\00:24:22.59
I don't remember
the particular incident,
00:24:22.62\00:24:27.16
but I can say,
from what you have said,
00:24:27.20\00:24:29.66
that the way you put
your head on my shoulder
00:24:29.70\00:24:32.73
indicated to me
that you needed me.
00:24:32.77\00:24:35.87
And I have said many
times that I need to know
00:24:37.51\00:24:40.78
that you need me.
00:24:40.81\00:24:42.48
And I also had mentioned
that what happens in my brain
00:24:42.51\00:24:46.61
whenever there is the
arguments and all of the
00:24:46.65\00:24:53.09
confrontations that go through,
it's like all these from
00:24:53.12\00:24:58.19
one cell to the
next cell in the brain...
00:24:58.23\00:25:01.13
You've got the synapses
going, so you've got the
00:25:01.16\00:25:03.57
electric current going and
as long as there's a positive
00:25:03.60\00:25:07.64
atmosphere there, that keeps
going and bonding takes place.
00:25:07.67\00:25:11.47
Whenever there's confrontation,
it's like that electrical
00:25:11.51\00:25:15.04
current is there to go
out and it hits a wall,
00:25:15.08\00:25:17.28
and so it just
springs back and explodes
00:25:17.31\00:25:20.12
which is a description
that what you were talking about
00:25:20.15\00:25:24.72
is in the book - that's what
I have described many years.
00:25:24.75\00:25:28.26
I haven't exactly
heard anybody else say it,
00:25:28.29\00:25:31.46
but I'm glad that
the book agreed with me.
00:25:31.49\00:25:33.56
I'm glad that it did.
00:25:33.60\00:25:35.03
We have a new challenge
for you next week and I'm glad
00:25:35.06\00:25:37.73
that you guys
are making progress.
00:25:37.77\00:25:39.80
Today we looked at
the chemistry of love.
00:25:44.77\00:25:46.88
How our Creator God built
us with 80 different hormones
00:25:46.91\00:25:50.98
8 of which are
related to relationships.
00:25:51.01\00:25:54.18
Communication and intimacy
patterns are so important.
00:25:54.22\00:25:58.22
You need to be aware of your
needs as well as your partners.
00:25:58.25\00:26:01.92
We observed, with our
couples today, that the issue
00:26:01.96\00:26:05.39
of commitment to
working through concerns
00:26:05.43\00:26:08.43
is paramount.
00:26:08.46\00:26:09.80
In the initial
stages of a relationship,
00:26:09.83\00:26:11.73
oxytocin runs
high and new lovers
00:26:11.77\00:26:15.20
feel so drawn to each other.
00:26:15.24\00:26:16.94
After years of partnering,
however, some of the hormones
00:26:16.97\00:26:21.61
related to our emotions
are no longer effective.
00:26:21.64\00:26:24.55
It's at that point that the
individuals must consciously
00:26:24.58\00:26:27.88
work on their relationship.
00:26:27.92\00:26:29.25
You reach a crossroad
where you either work on it,
00:26:29.28\00:26:32.02
or you split up and
go your separate ways.
00:26:32.05\00:26:34.49
For Adam and Eve, the
hormones worked perfectly
00:26:34.52\00:26:37.86
in a perfect world,
but for Samson and Delilah,
00:26:37.89\00:26:40.73
after sin had
entered the picture,
00:26:40.76\00:26:43.16
the situation
was no longer ideal.
00:26:43.20\00:26:45.97
Samson was driven by
his hormones and without
00:26:46.00\00:26:49.14
a connection to God, he
was easy prey for Delilah.
00:26:49.17\00:26:52.41
Why would he tell a
secret so vital to someone he
00:26:52.44\00:26:56.75
clearly didn't know very well?
00:26:56.78\00:26:58.38
The oxytocin caused him to lower
his guard as it always does.
00:26:58.41\00:27:02.42
It makes it very
difficult to leave someone even
00:27:02.45\00:27:05.85
in a bad situation.
00:27:05.89\00:27:07.59
It's the hormonal glue
that keeps you hanging in there
00:27:07.62\00:27:10.76
in spite of
evidence to the contrary.
00:27:10.79\00:27:13.29
Serotonin and
other neurotransmitters
00:27:13.33\00:27:15.83
make you more gullible and blind
to the faults of your partner.
00:27:15.86\00:27:20.20
The testosterone made
Samson a natural risk-taker.
00:27:20.24\00:27:24.07
He needed a high testosterone
to fight the Philistines,
00:27:24.11\00:27:27.34
but he needed the power
of God to manage this power.
00:27:27.38\00:27:31.51
Join us next
time when we discuss
00:27:31.55\00:27:34.55
"Getting your
partner to change."
00:27:34.58\00:27:38.29