Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Robert & Tangela, Don & Elaine, Kerissa
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000004
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00:25 Hello, welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:27 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob 00:29 Today, we are going to examine 00:31 social versus relational personality, 00:34 and explain how it complicates dating and marriage. 00:38 Let's welcome Robert and Tangela. 00:40 Welcome! Hi, welcome! 00:42 So how are you guys adjusting to the news 00:45 from the last program? 00:47 Very well, very well. Yes 00:49 Happy about it? Yes. Very happy. 00:51 And as I said, you guys are one in a million. Um hm 00:55 Well it's really good news, but, you know, 00:57 here starts the real work. 01:01 Relational personality is just one aspect of a relationship 01:05 or one aspect of a marriage. Right 01:07 So today, we will look at some other aspects so that you guys 01:10 can be really prepared. 01:12 If it's possible to make a perfect match even more perfect, 01:15 that's what we're going to try to do here. Oh 01:18 Okay? So Robert, do you remember your 01:22 personality type? 01:23 X borderline, X moderately high. 01:26 And you... The same match, 01:29 X borderline, X moderately high. 01:32 Okay and that's very good, so me tell you... 01:34 Let's recap a little... We said that you have 01:40 two personalities, social which we'll get to 01:44 in a minute and relational. 01:46 But in a relational personality, you have 2 letters, 01:49 that stand for two dimensions; one being communication 01:52 and the other being intimacy. Right? 01:56 So your results suggests that you are borderline 02:00 with communication which means you don't need 02:03 that much communication. 02:04 It also means you won't give that much communication. 02:07 So some folks communicate too much. Right 02:11 And some communicate too little. Um hm 02:12 You guys won't have to worry about that. 02:15 Now what you might be concerned about a little is the fact 02:18 that neither of you are probably going to 02:23 forward or put forth enough conversation sometimes 02:28 to get certain problems resolved. Okay. Right. 02:31 Your personality is the type of personality that 02:33 would prefer to sweep a problem under the carpet, 02:36 than talk it to death. Right. Right. 02:39 Okay? It's a good thing, you guys shouldn't be 02:42 in any heated arguments. Right 02:44 But the flip side of that is... 02:46 How do you solve a problem that you don't talk about? 02:49 So keep that in mind. 02:51 Also the intimacy is pretty high. 02:54 I don't expect that you guys will have a problem with that. 02:58 But just to address Tangela for a little bit... 03:00 So your personality is borderline, 03:03 and I'm talking to you, but I'm really referring to 03:07 Robert. Okay 03:08 So, your borderline personality means that you are 03:12 a female that would prefer a guy who would take charge. 03:17 You would prefer the guy to make some decisions. 03:21 Borderline females usually have a low tolerance for 03:25 males that take an excessively 03:28 long time to get their acts together. 03:30 You are usually attracted to males that have 03:32 a certain amount of testosterone. 03:36 So, in your history, if you check your past, 03:38 you would see in your past, you would have made choices 03:40 for alpha males. 03:43 Today, I would say, you made the right choice. 03:46 Why? Let me show you something about alpha males... 03:49 Alpha males have a lot of high testosterone. 03:51 So they come across as cocky, they come across as confident, 03:54 and, yes, they are "take charge." Yeah 03:57 But, the testosterone also gives them an increase 04:02 in tendencies to be reckless, to be interested in extreme 04:09 sports, to be low on commitment and also to be the kind of 04:17 guys that when they make a decision for fatherhood, 04:21 sometimes you're not very happy with their focus, 04:24 with their priority because sometimes the priority 04:25 is on whatever they're into. 04:29 Whether it be motorbikes or fishing, 04:31 or whatever they're doing. 04:34 So I think this is a good choice, but you guys just 04:36 need to know still what you have to tweak. 04:39 Of course, you'd have to make sure that you 04:41 communicate with her... 04:43 Okay, this is what I'm doing, this is my plan, 04:44 this is my career goal... because borderline women 04:47 tend to very career-driven, career-oriented and they 04:51 want their men to be as well. Right 04:53 Okay? So as far as the personalities go, 04:55 you guys are fine, but here is the thing, 04:57 you guys just got started, every relationship goes through 05:02 certain specific stages, very specific stages and right now 05:05 you guys are in the romance stage. Okay 05:08 I mentioned to you before that you guys have a lot 05:12 of hormones that are making this very easy for you. 05:15 You're not seeing each other's faults because you're 05:18 being blinded. Right? 05:20 You won't stay in this stage forever. 05:23 Before long, you would need to move to the next stage, 05:25 and then the next stage and eventually, 05:27 who knows, maybe within a year, within 2 years, 05:30 it depends on how fast this goes... 05:32 you guys will find yourself in the stage that 05:34 everybody dreads... the power struggle stage. 05:38 In that stage, you each would be vying for who is going to 05:42 control the relationship. 05:44 The reason why I'm telling you this is because at this stage 05:47 many relationships die a premature death. 05:50 So you have to be prepared... What are you going to do 05:54 to prevent that. Right 05:56 And the best way to prepare for it is to talk about it 05:59 ahead of time. 06:01 I have some ideas on how you could divide that need 06:07 to lead which is another segment we have 06:10 for a future program. 06:11 But your you guys right now, I have to say 06:14 if you would share the power or plan to share the power, 06:19 it would be probably a good start. Oh okay. 06:22 Okay? Let's turn to the monitor... 06:24 Okay. Compartmentalization. 06:29 Remember we talked about the relationship 06:31 of personality pieces... so just to go back a little, 06:35 we believe that at the fall of Adam and Eve, 06:40 the breakage began. 06:42 Adam and Eve were whole. 06:43 They were spiritual beings, they were 06:45 physical beings, but after the fall, she and he were broken up, 06:52 sort of segmented. Okay 06:56 So the fall caused breakage and damage to the whole being, 06:59 and new dimensions were formed. Oh 07:01 I mean, think about it, the reason why we 07:03 have to be concerned about financial differences 07:06 is because of where we are today compared to where they were. 07:10 Yes, that's true. Okay? 07:12 Or social, there was no such thing as a division between 07:15 social and relational. Right 07:17 So the relational quotient was broken into two dimensions 07:21 which surfaced every time 07:23 scientists attempted to find a cause for marital distress 07:27 which is interesting. 07:28 Any time any study is done to find why people go their 07:32 separate ways, communication and intimacy always 07:36 surface as primary reasons. 07:39 Let's look at the next slide... 07:40 So here are just six of the compartments, there are others, 07:45 but we've just considered these six. 07:46 On the top, of course, we have Spiritual. 07:50 It's something that you guys would need to 07:52 be concerned about. 07:54 A lot of studies show that spiritual intimacy 07:56 is actually one of the most pivotal pieces in terms of 08:01 having a long-term relationship. 08:05 You've got to be on the same page spiritually 08:07 even if it doesn't seem that way now, 08:09 again because of the hormones that are swirling and telling 08:12 you, "It's okay, you're okay, I'm okay, we're okay." Right 08:15 Well, at some point, you're going to have to pay 08:18 attention to the fact that you guys need to be 08:20 on the same page spiritually, and it's not an easy dimension. 08:24 There are a lot of pieces to it. 08:26 How often are you going to go to church? 08:29 Are you going to raise the kids a certain way? 08:31 Right? Right. 08:34 How strictly will you follow the diet? 08:37 How strictly will you follow the rules? 08:39 How strictly do you want to adhere to the beliefs? 08:43 Do you want a real committed relationship with God 08:46 or do you want something that is more liberal 08:49 as opposed to conservative? 08:51 I mean it's very, very tricky. Yes 08:53 And you were surprised when I told you that atheists 08:55 have the lowest divorce rate worldwide. Yes 08:59 Well one reason for that is... they have what we call, 09:01 "spiritual intimacy." Hmm 09:04 I know, it seems like a misnomer. 09:06 Why would you have an atheist and be talking 09:08 about spiritual intimacy? 09:09 Spiritual intimacy doesn't have anything to do with the fact 09:12 that you go to church. 09:13 What it has to do with is the fact that you could 09:15 be intimate because there's no difference in your spirituality 09:18 that's preventing it. Okay? Yes 09:21 So in that respect, they have none of the things that we 09:24 have to deal with. Right 09:25 So they're good, you know. Yes 09:27 So you pay attention to that 09:29 and you make sure that you're on the same page. 09:32 Physical - That is more important to Y-types. 09:35 Robert - She's not a Y, but she is a borderline X 09:41 which is as close to a Y-type as you could be. 09:43 She will be concerned that you stay fit and healthy. Okay 09:49 Social - Very important, but we'll talk about that 09:53 in a minute. 09:54 Cultural, financial and relational... 09:57 Financial is very important and this shows up as #2 10:00 in most of the studies that we've looked at 10:04 with regard to compatibility. Right 10:08 Now, I'm going to give you guys a bit of homework. Okay 10:11 I want you guys to take a look at expectations. 10:15 Everyone goes into a relationship with different 10:17 expectations... You expect certain things 10:19 from her as a girlfriend and then finally, eventually a wife, 10:22 and she expects different things from you. 10:25 I want you guys to take some time, write it down, 10:30 make a list, don't collaborate, do it separately, 10:34 and we'll see you guys again, right here, 10:38 on "Road to Romance" when you'll share 10:40 that list with us. Okay. Okay? 10:48 Welcome back to "Road to Romance." 10:50 The last time Don and Elaine were on the program, 10:53 we gave them a special assignment. 10:55 Welcome Don and Elaine. Thank you. Thank you 10:59 So you had some challenges to work on. 11:01 How did that go? Elaine? 11:04 Well they were challenges. 11:07 I, for one, was not to say anything to Don 11:12 about moving his things to where they needed 11:16 to be in the house or either to just say something one time 11:21 and then I was not to say anything anymore. 11:24 I was supposed to leave it up to you to say something to him 11:26 if it needed to be said. 11:28 That was a challenge for me. 11:30 But it was getting off of the controlling mode which is 11:33 one of Elaine's more favorite modes usually... 11:37 And so, I did things about the house to help to clean up 11:41 those things that have been upsetting to her, 11:43 putting away newspapers; you know, get this and that 11:47 off the floor and do some straightening 11:50 up around the house. 11:51 And I did that and then I would see if she would 11:56 compliment me on... "Well husband, you did this," 12:01 and it took a couple of days to get to that point, 12:05 but she finally came across. Not bad. 12:09 Let me give the audience a little bit of background... 12:13 What you guys are doing are called "challenges." 12:18 Now as we pointed out at the very beginning, 12:21 we are not doing counseling, and we're not doing therapy. 12:25 You guys are familiar with that process. Yes 12:27 What we're doing is coaching, relationship coaching, 12:32 and what that allows us to do is to go directly 12:34 to the formation of goals. 12:36 You guys can form your own goals and we work together 12:39 to make sure that those goals are accomplished. 12:42 It also allows me to work with you guys separately. 12:45 From the very beginning, I felt the need 12:47 to separate you so that we could make some progress, 12:52 and you guys wouldn't cross talk or escalate into anything. 12:57 A lot of what you were working on, individually, 13:01 really still stemmed from the X Y difference. 13:04 Remember we talked about that? 13:06 So, for instance, Don - you mentioned the word "controlling" 13:10 and I know for you, that sounds like, 13:12 "Well, it's a personal choice." 13:14 Someone is either controlling or they're not controlling. 13:17 Well, what actually happens after all these decades? 13:20 For instance, that you guys have been married... 13:23 If Elaine has a need for conversation, 13:27 for communication and she's not getting it from you, 13:31 what happens is you develop what we call a "loop." 13:34 I think I mentioned that during our coaching sessions. 13:37 It's called a "negative feedback loop," 13:40 And the way it works is, if she asks for something 13:44 or asks to have something done, and doesn't get a response 13:48 from you, then she asks again. Yes 13:52 No response? She asks a little louder, a little more demanding. 13:58 So eventually, it becomes what is called, 14:01 "A demand withdrawal loop." 14:04 She escalates, you withdraw. 14:07 So she escalates some more hoping that the high escalation 14:10 would bring you around but it does not. Um hm 14:13 Has it? Not usually. 14:16 Not usually... And if it does, of course, that will set up 14:20 another pattern that will cause her to continue 14:23 with the escalation. 14:25 So this negative feedback loop, what we were trying to do is 14:29 two things - I was giving her the assignment 14:33 to bring down the vocal interaction which is why 14:38 the last time you had to mode-switch, 14:41 so if you had something to say, something you were angry about, 14:44 you had to write it in a text or you could email it... 14:48 And that had really two effects, #1 the anger that you felt, 14:51 the intensity that you felt wasn't directed toward Don 14:56 immediately and sometimes I felt like maybe you 14:59 didn't even want to bother to go through the trouble of 15:02 finding another mode, so you just bottled it up, 15:04 and you kept it to yourself. 15:06 So mode-switch sort of contained it, 15:08 but didn't really solve the problem. 15:11 So this week, I think what you are saying is 15:14 that you were asked to... 15:16 To ask him one time to do something. Right 15:21 She would ask you one time, and then, on the other hand, 15:26 I asked you to make sure that you did at least one thing 15:30 something visible that she can see and compliment you for. Yes 15:35 The nice thing about coaching is 15:36 you can go directly to the goals. 15:38 We don't have to go back to the last 50 years 15:42 of your past, go back to your childhood. 15:44 We could go straight to what you want. 15:46 If it is that you want to have him clean a certain area 15:50 of the house because you guys are in the process of 15:52 selling it to move, then you make that your goal, 15:55 and he works on that immediately. 15:57 And then we assess and appraise whether or not that was 16:00 an achievable goal for him. 16:01 Should we have shrunk the goal? 16:04 Should we expand the goal? 16:05 Maybe he needed to do two rooms instead of one room. 16:08 So, Don, tell us what exactly did you accomplish 16:11 with that particular goal in terms of 16:12 prioritizing the cleaning. 16:13 How did that work for you? 16:15 It worked well... we have a large island 16:19 countertop which has always been a nice collecting point 16:23 and that has been cleaned up. Good 16:28 One of our bedrooms that we don't use, 16:31 that the children now that they're gone from the home 16:33 are no longer in there, that had been collecting things, 16:37 has been straightened out and cleaned up and I 16:40 still have two more to go, but... 16:42 You made a little progress. 16:44 I made progress, yes. Okay 16:46 Elaine? I see that he is supposed to have been 16:51 getting into files and is throwing away things. Okay 16:58 And that has come out of those rooms that have had things 17:01 stacked in them for years. Very good 17:04 And so, I'm glad to see that and because I am seeing 17:09 some progress, my anxiety level is lessened. Excellent. 17:15 Excellent, that's exactly what we want... 17:19 And so every week, we give you two new goals 17:23 or two new challenges and the idea is that you 17:27 don't share these challenges with each other. 17:30 We test the effectiveness of these challenges by whether 17:33 or not your partner was able to see a difference, 17:36 and sometimes you were able to see the difference 17:39 even without Don saying anything and that's exactly how 17:42 we would like this to work. 17:43 So, of course, next week, we will give you two 17:46 more challenges, individually, no collaboration, 17:50 don't share, don't say anything beyond what you 17:54 have been asked to communicate. 17:57 I know some of this is difficult, 17:58 just keep in mind we have to be patient. 18:00 It has been 42 years of building to this point. Yes 18:05 And it's not going to be done in 42 days... 18:10 It's going to take a little time. 18:12 So, I want to encourage you to stick with it, 18:16 stick with the coaching, stick with the program, 18:18 and I'm pretty sure that, on the other side, 18:21 we will see some progress. 18:23 I just wanted to share with the audience some information 18:27 about you guys on this cleaning project... 18:30 You're cleaning because you're 18:31 moving to a new home. Am I right? Yes 18:35 That's the immediate goal. 18:37 And by cleaning, I mean tidying up, sorting through, 18:40 going through papers and all of that. Yes 18:42 Okay, well one thing a lot of couples forget to do 18:46 is to look for some practical solutions. 18:48 Sometimes we get so caught up in having someone do 18:50 exactly what we want, that we forget the practical solutions. 18:54 When you are back on "Road to Romance," 18:57 We will share exactly how you guys solved this problem 19:00 with the cleanup and the move to the new place. 19:04 Is that okay? Yes 19:16 Welcome back to "Road to Romance" 19:18 Today we have Kerissa with us. 19:20 You will remember the last time Kerissa joined us, 19:23 she was curious to know about a secret admirer of hers, 19:27 whether or not he was a perfect match. 19:30 Well, during that time, Kerissa took a test, 19:34 a "reluctant partner" test that gave us some results. 19:38 We'll learn about those results today. 19:40 Kerissa, welcome! Thank you for having me back. 19:43 So you have some exciting news. 19:45 You look like you have something you really want to share there. 19:48 Well I honestly like the fact that there was actually 19:52 a "reluctant partner" test. 19:53 I may not be with this person, but I'm happy that 19:58 because I've known the person for a couple of years, 20:01 that I can actually take a test because I know him pretty well. 20:06 Um, yeah, I like that. 20:08 And that's exactly what the test was designed to do. 20:11 You have no idea how many girlfriends I meet, 20:16 how many wives I meet, who have husbands 20:19 and significant others, partners that have no intention 20:22 no desire whatsoever to take a test that could tell their 20:25 partner who they really are... 20:27 So we had to create a version of the test that was 20:30 accurate that a wife, a girlfriend, a friend can take, 20:35 on behalf of their interest, their partner, that could tell 20:40 them whether or not they were a match and whether or not 20:44 they had some things to work on to make their relationship 20:48 stronger. 20:50 This is the reason why you were able to do this with your friend 20:52 and I'm really anxious to see the results as are our viewers. 20:57 Let's take a look at the monitor... 20:58 Wow... So, your secret admirer is an XX like you are. 21:06 You are also an XX, but there's a slight difference 21:09 that we need to talk about. 21:11 The first X is communication, we've said that 21:14 several times on the program. 21:17 He is a moderate X in communication, 21:22 and you are moderately high. 21:25 So you are at least one level above him in terms 21:28 of communication and that won't create much of a problem. 21:31 I think relationships can handle a difference of one level. 21:35 Of course, it's nice to be perfect like other guests 21:39 that we've had on our program, but, if not, 21:42 the next best thing is to be one level away. 21:45 In fact, some people even prefer that. 21:47 I know some women that I know actually 21:50 bought new houses with their partners and they told me 21:55 that they actually wanted a 2- story house because 21:58 he yapped too much and they wanted to be 22:01 upstairs while he was downstairs. 22:02 Some people actually prefer a little difference. 22:05 But let's look at your intimacy score... look at that. 22:08 You are moderately high, again with intimacy, 22:12 and he is X borderline. 22:15 That means he is as close to being a Y-type as possible. 22:19 That kind of a profile usually suggests that you guys 22:22 would have to work really, really hard on intimacy. 22:26 If you got together, he is just a secret admirer 22:28 at this stage, but if you guys got together, at some point 22:31 you'd be concerned about the 22:33 fact that you were not getting enough affection. 22:35 You were not sure that you were feeling loved 22:37 in the relationship, you weren't getting 22:38 enough attention and it's likely to cause problems, 22:43 significant problems even, down the road. 22:46 Now how do you feel about that? 22:50 Well I like the fact that we are both Xs. 22:54 I think that's one good thing. 22:57 The fact that our communication level is pretty close, 23:01 I think that's really good. Yeah 23:03 The intimacy level is farther apart than I 23:09 would probably like, but I think it's workable 23:13 if I chose to actually go down that road with that person. 23:18 But I know that even in a match XX relationship where there are 23:24 different levels, I feel that work would have to be done 23:29 regardless and I don't know, I think it can work 23:33 if I'm up for it. Okay 23:35 So this secret admirer is just a friend? Right 23:38 He's just a friend. Okay there are thousands of 23:39 women viewing right now that have a friend 23:45 that they would like to know, "Well, is this going to be a 23:48 match," but let me point something out. 23:50 What I did in my research, I found that we had two 23:53 personalities - the social personality, 23:56 and the relational personality. 23:58 Now the social personality is more like what we call a 24:00 "persona" which is a mask. 24:05 So, when you're dating, unfortunately, 24:08 you date with a social personality. 24:11 You've heard people talk about a "dating representative," 24:13 have you heard that term before? Not really. 24:16 Probably a little generation ahead of yours perhaps... Okay 24:20 But, you know, middle age folk talk about a dating 24:23 representative which means... the guy that shows up 24:26 is nothing like the guy that they have or that they get 24:30 when they get inside of the relationship. 24:32 Social personality is the same personality your parents 24:35 would take with them to church. 24:36 The same personality you would take with you to your job 24:39 or to school - you said you went to Andrew's University, 24:42 that's a personality that you use to navigate 24:47 anything that is outside of a relationship. 24:50 Let's look at another slide... 24:52 So we have two personalities and there's a split. 24:55 Each of us has two social and relational to match our society. 24:59 The social personality job is to present you in the best 25:03 light, whether it be on your job, at work or dating, 25:08 or in church or at the store, wherever it is, 25:12 even if it means pretending that you are generous, kind, 25:15 interested, understanding, affectionate - things that 25:18 you might not be - is the reason why thousands of women 25:21 make a mistake about who they date because 25:23 everyone dates in the social personality, 25:26 not the relationship personality. 25:28 So the test actually allows a woman to jump over 25:32 that social pretense and find out exactly who the guy is. 25:39 Well, we have a surprise for you today... 25:42 Okay, what is it about? We actually have your 25:44 secret admirer on the phone. Okay... 25:48 Would you like to talk to him? 25:50 Umm, are you sure he's on the phone? 25:53 I'm sure he's on the phone. Okay... 25:56 Kerissa - I'm just kidding, but we would seriously 25:58 like you to contact your friend and have him take the test 26:01 and share the results with us on the "Road to Romance." 26:04 Okay, I guess I'll try to do that. 26:14 So what does the Bible say about the social personality 26:17 and how it differs from the relational personality, 26:20 and more importantly, how does this affect us 26:22 in the church? 26:24 About 2 years ago, my dad passed away and my mom 26:27 grieved for a few weeks and then admitted to me and 26:31 to my brother that she was not happy in the marriage. 26:34 Now we already knew that, but we were a little surprised 26:37 when she said in 52 years of marriage, 26:39 she was only happy one of those years. 26:41 The problem was that no one in church was 26:44 allowed to know of their troubled marriage. 26:46 They were officers in the church. 26:48 My dad was a first elder, my mom was the 26:50 head superintendent. 26:52 They had a lot of young people that were looking up to them 26:54 as a role model for marriage. 26:56 So they decided, instead to suffer silently. 26:59 They couldn't tell the pastor. 27:00 They couldn't confide in a sister, 27:02 and they surely wouldn't seek professional help. 27:06 Well, I have to tell you... 27:07 We continued like that for a few decades, 27:11 and it was pretty damaging or disturbing to my brother and I. 27:15 It's not okay for a parent to save their best behavior 27:20 for outsiders or for folks at church. 27:23 It's not okay to save the jokes for people that you don't know 27:27 while you neglect your family and give them instead a frown. 27:31 It's not okay to get so lost in your work for God 27:34 that you forget the work you need to do at home 27:37 with your family. 27:38 Thanks for joining us today. 27:40 Tune in next time to find out how genetics 27:43 and hormones play a vital role 27:46 in the law of attraction and bonding. |
Revised 2017-02-15