Hello, welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob
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Today, we are going to examine
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social versus
relational personality,
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and explain how it
complicates dating and marriage.
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Let's welcome
Robert and Tangela.
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Welcome! Hi, welcome!
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So how are you guys
adjusting to the news
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from the last program?
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Very well, very well. Yes
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Happy about it? Yes. Very happy.
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And as I said, you guys
are one in a million. Um hm
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Well it's really
good news, but, you know,
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here starts the real work.
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Relational personality is just
one aspect of a relationship
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or one aspect of
a marriage. Right
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So today, we will look at some
other aspects so that you guys
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can be really prepared.
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If it's possible to make a
perfect match even more perfect,
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that's what we're
going to try to do here. Oh
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Okay? So Robert,
do you remember your
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personality type?
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X borderline, X moderately high.
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And you... The same match,
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X borderline, X moderately high.
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Okay and that's very
good, so me tell you...
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Let's recap a
little... We said that you have
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two personalities,
social which we'll get to
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in a minute and relational.
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But in a relational
personality, you have 2 letters,
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that stand for two dimensions;
one being communication
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and the other
being intimacy. Right?
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So your results
suggests that you are borderline
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with communication
which means you don't need
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that much communication.
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It also means you won't
give that much communication.
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So some folks
communicate too much. Right
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And some
communicate too little. Um hm
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You guys won't have
to worry about that.
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Now what you might be concerned
about a little is the fact
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that neither of you
are probably going to
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forward or put forth
enough conversation sometimes
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to get certain
problems resolved. Okay. Right.
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Your personality is the
type of personality that
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would prefer to sweep a
problem under the carpet,
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than talk it to
death. Right. Right.
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Okay? It's a good
thing, you guys shouldn't be
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in any heated arguments. Right
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But the flip side of that is...
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How do you solve a problem
that you don't talk about?
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So keep that in mind.
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Also the
intimacy is pretty high.
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I don't expect that you guys
will have a problem with that.
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But just to address
Tangela for a little bit...
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So your
personality is borderline,
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and I'm talking to you,
but I'm really referring to
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Robert. Okay
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So, your borderline
personality means that you are
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a female that would prefer
a guy who would take charge.
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You would prefer the
guy to make some decisions.
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Borderline females
usually have a low tolerance for
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males that take an excessively
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long time to get
their acts together.
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You are usually
attracted to males that have
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a certain
amount of testosterone.
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So, in your history,
if you check your past,
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you would see in your past,
you would have made choices
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for alpha males.
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Today, I would say,
you made the right choice.
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Why? Let me show you
something about alpha males...
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Alpha males have a
lot of high testosterone.
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So they come across as cocky,
they come across as confident,
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and, yes, they are
"take charge." Yeah
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But, the testosterone
also gives them an increase
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in tendencies to be reckless,
to be interested in extreme
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sports, to be low on commitment
and also to be the kind of
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guys that when they make
a decision for fatherhood,
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sometimes you're not
very happy with their focus,
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with their priority
because sometimes the priority
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is on whatever they're into.
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Whether it be
motorbikes or fishing,
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or whatever they're doing.
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So I think this is a
good choice, but you guys just
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need to know still
what you have to tweak.
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Of course, you'd
have to make sure that you
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communicate with her...
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Okay, this is what I'm
doing, this is my plan,
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this is my career
goal... because borderline women
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tend to very career-driven,
career-oriented and they
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want their men
to be as well. Right
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Okay? So as far as
the personalities go,
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you guys are fine,
but here is the thing,
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you guys just got started,
every relationship goes through
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certain specific stages, very
specific stages and right now
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you guys are in
the romance stage. Okay
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I mentioned to you
before that you guys have a lot
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of hormones that are
making this very easy for you.
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You're not seeing each
other's faults because you're
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being blinded. Right?
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You won't stay in
this stage forever.
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Before long, you would
need to move to the next stage,
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and then the next
stage and eventually,
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who knows, maybe
within a year, within 2 years,
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it depends on
how fast this goes...
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you guys will find
yourself in the stage that
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everybody dreads...
the power struggle stage.
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In that stage, you each would
be vying for who is going to
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control the relationship.
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The reason why I'm telling you
this is because at this stage
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many relationships
die a premature death.
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So you have to be prepared...
What are you going to do
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to prevent that. Right
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And the best way to prepare
for it is to talk about it
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ahead of time.
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I have some ideas on how
you could divide that need
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to lead which is
another segment we have
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for a future program.
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But your you guys
right now, I have to say
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if you would share the power
or plan to share the power,
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it would be probably
a good start. Oh okay.
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Okay? Let's turn
to the monitor...
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Okay. Compartmentalization.
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Remember we talked
about the relationship
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of personality pieces...
so just to go back a little,
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we believe that at
the fall of Adam and Eve,
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the breakage began.
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Adam and Eve were whole.
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They were
spiritual beings, they were
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physical beings, but after the
fall, she and he were broken up,
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sort of segmented. Okay
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So the fall caused breakage
and damage to the whole being,
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and new
dimensions were formed. Oh
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I mean, think about
it, the reason why we
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have to be concerned
about financial differences
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is because of where we are today
compared to where they were.
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Yes, that's true. Okay?
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Or social, there was no
such thing as a division between
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social and relational. Right
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So the relational quotient
was broken into two dimensions
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which surfaced every time
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scientists attempted to find
a cause for marital distress
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which is interesting.
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Any time any study is done
to find why people go their
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separate ways, communication
and intimacy always
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surface as primary reasons.
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Let's look at the next slide...
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So here are just six of the
compartments, there are others,
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but we've just
considered these six.
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On the top, of
course, we have Spiritual.
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It's something that
you guys would need to
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be concerned about.
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A lot of studies show
that spiritual intimacy
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is actually one of the
most pivotal pieces in terms of
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having a long-term relationship.
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You've got to be on
the same page spiritually
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even if it
doesn't seem that way now,
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again because of the hormones
that are swirling and telling
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you, "It's okay, you're okay,
I'm okay, we're okay." Right
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Well, at some point,
you're going to have to pay
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attention to the fact
that you guys need to be
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on the same page spiritually,
and it's not an easy dimension.
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There are a lot of pieces to it.
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How often are you
going to go to church?
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Are you going to raise
the kids a certain way?
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Right? Right.
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How strictly will
you follow the diet?
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How strictly will
you follow the rules?
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How strictly do you want
to adhere to the beliefs?
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Do you want a real
committed relationship with God
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or do you want
something that is more liberal
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as opposed to conservative?
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I mean it's
very, very tricky. Yes
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And you were surprised
when I told you that atheists
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have the lowest
divorce rate worldwide. Yes
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Well one reason for that
is... they have what we call,
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"spiritual intimacy." Hmm
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I know, it
seems like a misnomer.
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Why would you have an
atheist and be talking
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about spiritual intimacy?
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Spiritual intimacy doesn't have
anything to do with the fact
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that you go to church.
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What it has to do with
is the fact that you could
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be intimate because there's no
difference in your spirituality
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that's preventing it. Okay? Yes
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So in that respect, they
have none of the things that we
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have to deal with. Right
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So they're good, you know. Yes
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So you pay attention to that
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and you make sure that
you're on the same page.
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Physical - That is
more important to Y-types.
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Robert - She's not a Y,
but she is a borderline X
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which is as close to a
Y-type as you could be.
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She will be concerned that
you stay fit and healthy. Okay
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Social - Very important,
but we'll talk about that
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in a minute.
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Cultural,
financial and relational...
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Financial is very important
and this shows up as #2
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in most of the
studies that we've looked at
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with regard to
compatibility. Right
00:10:04.10\00:10:07.37
Now, I'm going to give you
guys a bit of homework. Okay
00:10:08.04\00:10:11.81
I want you guys to
take a look at expectations.
00:10:11.84\00:10:15.08
Everyone goes into a
relationship with different
00:10:15.11\00:10:17.65
expectations... You
expect certain things
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from her as a girlfriend and
then finally, eventually a wife,
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and she expects
different things from you.
00:10:22.88\00:10:25.35
I want you guys to take
some time, write it down,
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make a list, don't
collaborate, do it separately,
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and we'll see you
guys again, right here,
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on "Road to
Romance" when you'll share
00:10:38.63\00:10:40.67
that list with us. Okay. Okay?
00:10:40.70\00:10:43.71
Welcome back to
"Road to Romance."
00:10:48.64\00:10:50.65
The last time Don and
Elaine were on the program,
00:10:50.68\00:10:53.28
we gave them a
special assignment.
00:10:53.31\00:10:55.78
Welcome Don and
Elaine. Thank you. Thank you
00:10:55.82\00:10:59.05
So you had some
challenges to work on.
00:10:59.09\00:11:01.79
How did that go? Elaine?
00:11:01.82\00:11:04.86
Well they were challenges.
00:11:04.89\00:11:07.76
I, for one, was not
to say anything to Don
00:11:07.80\00:11:12.77
about moving his
things to where they needed
00:11:12.80\00:11:16.20
to be in the house or either
to just say something one time
00:11:16.24\00:11:21.18
and then I was not
to say anything anymore.
00:11:21.21\00:11:24.38
I was supposed to leave it up
to you to say something to him
00:11:24.41\00:11:26.92
if it needed to be said.
00:11:26.95\00:11:28.48
That was a challenge for me.
00:11:28.52\00:11:30.89
But it was getting off of
the controlling mode which is
00:11:30.92\00:11:33.89
one of Elaine's more
favorite modes usually...
00:11:33.92\00:11:37.53
And so, I did things about
the house to help to clean up
00:11:37.56\00:11:41.10
those things that
have been upsetting to her,
00:11:41.13\00:11:43.83
putting away newspapers;
you know, get this and that
00:11:43.87\00:11:47.44
off the floor and
do some straightening
00:11:47.47\00:11:50.24
up around the house.
00:11:50.27\00:11:51.61
And I did that and then
I would see if she would
00:11:51.64\00:11:55.98
compliment me on...
"Well husband, you did this,"
00:11:56.01\00:12:01.48
and it took a couple of
days to get to that point,
00:12:01.52\00:12:05.29
but she finally
came across. Not bad.
00:12:05.32\00:12:09.49
Let me give the audience a
little bit of background...
00:12:09.52\00:12:13.73
What you guys are doing
are called "challenges."
00:12:13.76\00:12:18.30
Now as we pointed out
at the very beginning,
00:12:18.33\00:12:21.57
we are not doing counseling,
and we're not doing therapy.
00:12:21.60\00:12:25.14
You guys are familiar
with that process. Yes
00:12:25.17\00:12:27.84
What we're doing is
coaching, relationship coaching,
00:12:27.88\00:12:32.28
and what that allows
us to do is to go directly
00:12:32.31\00:12:34.52
to the formation of goals.
00:12:34.55\00:12:36.18
You guys can form your
own goals and we work together
00:12:36.22\00:12:39.92
to make sure that
those goals are accomplished.
00:12:39.95\00:12:42.92
It also allows me to
work with you guys separately.
00:12:42.96\00:12:45.69
From the very
beginning, I felt the need
00:12:45.73\00:12:47.86
to separate you so that
we could make some progress,
00:12:47.90\00:12:52.93
and you guys wouldn't cross
talk or escalate into anything.
00:12:52.97\00:12:57.14
A lot of what you were
working on, individually,
00:12:57.17\00:13:01.34
really still stemmed
from the X Y difference.
00:13:01.38\00:13:04.78
Remember we talked about that?
00:13:04.81\00:13:06.61
So, for instance, Don - you
mentioned the word "controlling"
00:13:06.65\00:13:10.29
and I know for
you, that sounds like,
00:13:10.32\00:13:12.59
"Well, it's a personal choice."
00:13:12.62\00:13:14.09
Someone is either controlling
or they're not controlling.
00:13:14.12\00:13:17.59
Well, what actually
happens after all these decades?
00:13:17.63\00:13:20.73
For instance, that you
guys have been married...
00:13:20.76\00:13:23.16
If Elaine has a
need for conversation,
00:13:23.20\00:13:27.47
for communication and
she's not getting it from you,
00:13:27.50\00:13:31.64
what happens is you
develop what we call a "loop."
00:13:31.67\00:13:34.74
I think I mentioned that
during our coaching sessions.
00:13:34.78\00:13:37.95
It's called a
"negative feedback loop,"
00:13:37.98\00:13:40.65
And the way it works is,
if she asks for something
00:13:40.68\00:13:44.79
or asks to have something
done, and doesn't get a response
00:13:44.82\00:13:48.86
from you, then
she asks again. Yes
00:13:48.89\00:13:52.53
No response? She asks a little
louder, a little more demanding.
00:13:52.56\00:13:58.40
So eventually, it
becomes what is called,
00:13:58.43\00:14:01.50
"A demand withdrawal loop."
00:14:01.54\00:14:04.21
She escalates, you withdraw.
00:14:04.24\00:14:07.58
So she escalates some more
hoping that the high escalation
00:14:07.61\00:14:10.75
would bring you
around but it does not. Um hm
00:14:10.78\00:14:13.92
Has it? Not usually.
00:14:13.95\00:14:16.69
Not usually... And if it does,
of course, that will set up
00:14:16.72\00:14:20.69
another pattern that
will cause her to continue
00:14:20.72\00:14:23.59
with the escalation.
00:14:23.63\00:14:25.79
So this negative feedback loop,
what we were trying to do is
00:14:25.83\00:14:29.53
two things - I was
giving her the assignment
00:14:29.56\00:14:33.67
to bring down the vocal
interaction which is why
00:14:33.70\00:14:38.54
the last time you
had to mode-switch,
00:14:38.57\00:14:41.61
so if you had something to say,
something you were angry about,
00:14:41.64\00:14:44.01
you had to write it in a
text or you could email it...
00:14:44.05\00:14:48.05
And that had really two effects,
#1 the anger that you felt,
00:14:48.08\00:14:51.89
the intensity that you
felt wasn't directed toward Don
00:14:51.92\00:14:56.09
immediately and
sometimes I felt like maybe you
00:14:56.12\00:14:59.66
didn't even want to bother
to go through the trouble of
00:14:59.69\00:15:02.20
finding another mode,
so you just bottled it up,
00:15:02.23\00:15:04.77
and you kept it to yourself.
00:15:04.80\00:15:06.13
So mode-switch
sort of contained it,
00:15:06.17\00:15:08.80
but didn't really
solve the problem.
00:15:08.84\00:15:11.11
So this week, I think
what you are saying is
00:15:11.14\00:15:14.11
that you were asked to...
00:15:14.14\00:15:16.01
To ask him one time
to do something. Right
00:15:16.04\00:15:21.02
She would ask you one time,
and then, on the other hand,
00:15:21.05\00:15:26.69
I asked you to make sure
that you did at least one thing
00:15:26.72\00:15:30.13
something visible that she can
see and compliment you for. Yes
00:15:30.16\00:15:35.00
The nice thing about coaching is
00:15:35.03\00:15:36.56
you can go
directly to the goals.
00:15:36.60\00:15:38.20
We don't have to go
back to the last 50 years
00:15:38.23\00:15:42.44
of your past, go
back to your childhood.
00:15:42.47\00:15:44.67
We could go
straight to what you want.
00:15:44.71\00:15:46.54
If it is that you want to
have him clean a certain area
00:15:46.57\00:15:50.51
of the house because you
guys are in the process of
00:15:50.55\00:15:52.91
selling it to move,
then you make that your goal,
00:15:52.95\00:15:55.48
and he works on
that immediately.
00:15:55.52\00:15:57.32
And then we assess and
appraise whether or not that was
00:15:57.35\00:16:00.29
an achievable goal for him.
00:16:00.32\00:16:01.72
Should we have shrunk the goal?
00:16:01.76\00:16:04.19
Should we expand the goal?
00:16:04.23\00:16:05.63
Maybe he needed to do two
rooms instead of one room.
00:16:05.66\00:16:08.30
So, Don, tell us what
exactly did you accomplish
00:16:08.33\00:16:10.97
with that
particular goal in terms of
00:16:11.00\00:16:12.33
prioritizing the cleaning.
00:16:12.37\00:16:13.80
How did that work for you?
00:16:13.84\00:16:15.17
It worked well...
we have a large island
00:16:15.20\00:16:19.31
countertop which has always
been a nice collecting point
00:16:19.34\00:16:23.95
and that has
been cleaned up. Good
00:16:23.98\00:16:28.35
One of our
bedrooms that we don't use,
00:16:28.38\00:16:31.09
that the children now
that they're gone from the home
00:16:31.12\00:16:33.05
are no longer in there,
that had been collecting things,
00:16:33.09\00:16:37.43
has been straightened
out and cleaned up and I
00:16:37.46\00:16:40.90
still have two
more to go, but...
00:16:40.93\00:16:42.86
You made a little progress.
00:16:42.90\00:16:44.30
I made progress, yes. Okay
00:16:44.33\00:16:46.47
Elaine? I see that he
is supposed to have been
00:16:46.50\00:16:51.57
getting into files and is
throwing away things. Okay
00:16:51.61\00:16:58.11
And that has come out of
those rooms that have had things
00:16:58.15\00:17:01.68
stacked in them
for years. Very good
00:17:01.72\00:17:04.12
And so, I'm glad to see
that and because I am seeing
00:17:04.15\00:17:09.42
some progress, my anxiety
level is lessened. Excellent.
00:17:09.46\00:17:15.63
Excellent, that's
exactly what we want...
00:17:15.66\00:17:19.40
And so every week, we
give you two new goals
00:17:19.43\00:17:23.17
or two new challenges
and the idea is that you
00:17:23.20\00:17:27.64
don't share these
challenges with each other.
00:17:27.68\00:17:29.98
We test the effectiveness
of these challenges by whether
00:17:30.01\00:17:33.28
or not your partner was
able to see a difference,
00:17:33.31\00:17:36.02
and sometimes you were
able to see the difference
00:17:36.05\00:17:39.19
even without Don saying
anything and that's exactly how
00:17:39.22\00:17:42.39
we would like this to work.
00:17:42.42\00:17:43.86
So, of course, next
week, we will give you two
00:17:43.89\00:17:46.36
more challenges,
individually, no collaboration,
00:17:46.39\00:17:50.67
don't share, don't say
anything beyond what you
00:17:50.70\00:17:54.90
have been asked to communicate.
00:17:54.94\00:17:57.14
I know some of
this is difficult,
00:17:57.17\00:17:58.77
just keep in mind
we have to be patient.
00:17:58.81\00:18:00.68
It has been 42 years of
building to this point. Yes
00:18:00.71\00:18:05.85
And it's not going
to be done in 42 days...
00:18:05.88\00:18:10.49
It's going to
take a little time.
00:18:10.52\00:18:12.15
So, I want to
encourage you to stick with it,
00:18:12.19\00:18:15.99
stick with the coaching,
stick with the program,
00:18:16.02\00:18:18.76
and I'm pretty sure
that, on the other side,
00:18:18.79\00:18:21.73
we will see some progress.
00:18:21.76\00:18:23.90
I just wanted to share with
the audience some information
00:18:23.93\00:18:27.30
about you guys on
this cleaning project...
00:18:27.34\00:18:30.14
You're cleaning because you're
00:18:30.17\00:18:31.51
moving to a new
home. Am I right? Yes
00:18:31.54\00:18:35.01
That's the immediate goal.
00:18:35.04\00:18:37.61
And by cleaning, I mean
tidying up, sorting through,
00:18:37.65\00:18:40.02
going through
papers and all of that. Yes
00:18:40.05\00:18:42.45
Okay, well one thing a
lot of couples forget to do
00:18:42.48\00:18:46.12
is to look for some
practical solutions.
00:18:46.15\00:18:48.72
Sometimes we get so
caught up in having someone do
00:18:48.76\00:18:50.79
exactly what we want, that we
forget the practical solutions.
00:18:50.83\00:18:54.26
When you are back
on "Road to Romance,"
00:18:54.30\00:18:57.03
We will share exactly how
you guys solved this problem
00:18:57.07\00:19:00.77
with the cleanup and
the move to the new place.
00:19:00.80\00:19:04.31
Is that okay? Yes
00:19:04.34\00:19:06.57
Welcome back to
"Road to Romance"
00:19:16.25\00:19:18.22
Today we have Kerissa with us.
00:19:18.25\00:19:20.52
You will remember the
last time Kerissa joined us,
00:19:20.56\00:19:23.49
she was curious to know
about a secret admirer of hers,
00:19:23.76\00:19:27.73
whether or not he
was a perfect match.
00:19:27.76\00:19:30.60
Well, during that
time, Kerissa took a test,
00:19:30.63\00:19:34.27
a "reluctant partner"
test that gave us some results.
00:19:34.30\00:19:38.07
We'll learn about
those results today.
00:19:38.11\00:19:40.34
Kerissa, welcome!
Thank you for having me back.
00:19:40.38\00:19:43.58
So you have some exciting news.
00:19:43.61\00:19:45.45
You look like you have something
you really want to share there.
00:19:45.48\00:19:48.15
Well I honestly like the
fact that there was actually
00:19:48.18\00:19:52.09
a "reluctant partner" test.
00:19:52.12\00:19:53.46
I may not be with this
person, but I'm happy that
00:19:53.49\00:19:58.76
because I've known the
person for a couple of years,
00:19:58.79\00:20:01.70
that I can actually take a test
because I know him pretty well.
00:20:01.73\00:20:06.67
Um, yeah, I like that.
00:20:06.70\00:20:08.94
And that's exactly what
the test was designed to do.
00:20:08.97\00:20:11.84
You have no idea how
many girlfriends I meet,
00:20:11.87\00:20:16.24
how many wives I
meet, who have husbands
00:20:16.28\00:20:19.28
and significant others,
partners that have no intention
00:20:19.31\00:20:22.72
no desire whatsoever to take
a test that could tell their
00:20:22.75\00:20:25.79
partner who they really are...
00:20:25.82\00:20:27.29
So we had to create a
version of the test that was
00:20:27.32\00:20:30.23
accurate that a wife, a
girlfriend, a friend can take,
00:20:30.26\00:20:35.40
on behalf of their interest,
their partner, that could tell
00:20:35.43\00:20:40.20
them whether or not they
were a match and whether or not
00:20:40.24\00:20:44.11
they had some things to work
on to make their relationship
00:20:44.14\00:20:47.98
stronger.
00:20:48.04\00:20:50.25
This is the reason why you were
able to do this with your friend
00:20:50.28\00:20:52.51
and I'm really anxious to see
the results as are our viewers.
00:20:52.55\00:20:57.25
Let's take a
look at the monitor...
00:20:57.29\00:20:58.69
Wow... So, your secret
admirer is an XX like you are.
00:20:58.72\00:21:06.23
You are also an XX, but
there's a slight difference
00:21:06.26\00:21:09.46
that we need to talk about.
00:21:09.50\00:21:11.90
The first X is
communication, we've said that
00:21:11.93\00:21:14.94
several times on the program.
00:21:14.97\00:21:17.41
He is a moderate
X in communication,
00:21:17.44\00:21:22.61
and you are moderately high.
00:21:22.64\00:21:25.41
So you are at least one
level above him in terms
00:21:25.45\00:21:28.58
of communication and that
won't create much of a problem.
00:21:28.62\00:21:31.59
I think relationships can handle
a difference of one level.
00:21:31.62\00:21:35.09
Of course, it's nice to
be perfect like other guests
00:21:35.12\00:21:39.66
that we've had on
our program, but, if not,
00:21:39.69\00:21:42.33
the next best thing
is to be one level away.
00:21:42.36\00:21:45.27
In fact, some
people even prefer that.
00:21:45.30\00:21:47.24
I know some women
that I know actually
00:21:47.27\00:21:50.87
bought new houses with
their partners and they told me
00:21:50.91\00:21:55.61
that they actually
wanted a 2- story house because
00:21:55.64\00:21:58.45
he yapped too much
and they wanted to be
00:21:58.48\00:22:01.42
upstairs while
he was downstairs.
00:22:01.45\00:22:02.78
Some people actually
prefer a little difference.
00:22:02.82\00:22:05.09
But let's look at your
intimacy score... look at that.
00:22:05.12\00:22:08.82
You are moderately
high, again with intimacy,
00:22:08.86\00:22:12.19
and he is X borderline.
00:22:12.23\00:22:14.96
That means he is as close
to being a Y-type as possible.
00:22:15.00\00:22:19.33
That kind of a profile
usually suggests that you guys
00:22:19.37\00:22:22.60
would have to work
really, really hard on intimacy.
00:22:22.64\00:22:26.01
If you got together, he
is just a secret admirer
00:22:26.04\00:22:28.11
at this stage, but if you
guys got together, at some point
00:22:28.14\00:22:31.68
you'd be concerned about the
00:22:31.71\00:22:33.21
fact that you were not
getting enough affection.
00:22:33.25\00:22:35.52
You were not sure
that you were feeling loved
00:22:35.55\00:22:37.49
in the relationship,
you weren't getting
00:22:37.52\00:22:38.85
enough attention and
it's likely to cause problems,
00:22:38.89\00:22:43.63
significant
problems even, down the road.
00:22:43.66\00:22:46.86
Now how do you feel about that?
00:22:46.90\00:22:50.93
Well I like the
fact that we are both Xs.
00:22:50.97\00:22:54.37
I think that's one good thing.
00:22:54.40\00:22:57.07
The fact that our communication
level is pretty close,
00:22:57.11\00:23:01.64
I think that's really good. Yeah
00:23:01.68\00:23:03.31
The intimacy level
is farther apart than I
00:23:03.35\00:23:09.95
would probably like,
but I think it's workable
00:23:09.98\00:23:13.76
if I chose to actually go
down that road with that person.
00:23:13.79\00:23:18.49
But I know that even in a match
XX relationship where there are
00:23:18.53\00:23:24.07
different levels, I feel
that work would have to be done
00:23:24.10\00:23:29.87
regardless and I don't
know, I think it can work
00:23:29.90\00:23:33.34
if I'm up for it. Okay
00:23:33.38\00:23:35.61
So this secret admirer
is just a friend? Right
00:23:35.64\00:23:38.05
He's just a friend.
Okay there are thousands of
00:23:38.08\00:23:39.41
women viewing right
now that have a friend
00:23:39.45\00:23:45.15
that they would like to know,
"Well, is this going to be a
00:23:45.19\00:23:48.06
match," but let me
point something out.
00:23:48.09\00:23:50.43
What I did in my research,
I found that we had two
00:23:50.46\00:23:53.29
personalities -
the social personality,
00:23:53.33\00:23:56.20
and the relational personality.
00:23:56.23\00:23:58.50
Now the social personality
is more like what we call a
00:23:58.53\00:24:00.87
"persona" which is a mask.
00:24:00.90\00:24:05.01
So, when you're
dating, unfortunately,
00:24:05.04\00:24:08.54
you date with a
social personality.
00:24:08.58\00:24:11.05
You've heard people talk
about a "dating representative,"
00:24:11.08\00:24:13.45
have you heard that
term before? Not really.
00:24:13.48\00:24:16.62
Probably a little generation
ahead of yours perhaps... Okay
00:24:16.65\00:24:20.56
But, you know, middle
age folk talk about a dating
00:24:20.59\00:24:23.39
representative which
means... the guy that shows up
00:24:23.43\00:24:26.06
is nothing like the guy
that they have or that they get
00:24:26.09\00:24:30.40
when they get
inside of the relationship.
00:24:30.43\00:24:32.37
Social personality is the
same personality your parents
00:24:32.40\00:24:35.47
would take with them to church.
00:24:35.50\00:24:36.91
The same personality you
would take with you to your job
00:24:36.94\00:24:39.94
or to school - you said you
went to Andrew's University,
00:24:39.97\00:24:42.64
that's a personality
that you use to navigate
00:24:42.68\00:24:47.48
anything that is
outside of a relationship.
00:24:47.52\00:24:50.69
Let's look at another slide...
00:24:50.72\00:24:52.72
So we have two personalities
and there's a split.
00:24:52.75\00:24:55.16
Each of us has two social and
relational to match our society.
00:24:55.19\00:24:59.39
The social personality job
is to present you in the best
00:24:59.43\00:25:03.70
light, whether it be on
your job, at work or dating,
00:25:03.73\00:25:08.00
or in church or at
the store, wherever it is,
00:25:08.04\00:25:11.97
even if it means pretending
that you are generous, kind,
00:25:12.01\00:25:15.34
interested, understanding,
affectionate - things that
00:25:15.38\00:25:18.05
you might not be - is the
reason why thousands of women
00:25:18.08\00:25:21.18
make a mistake about
who they date because
00:25:21.22\00:25:23.82
everyone dates in
the social personality,
00:25:23.85\00:25:26.96
not the
relationship personality.
00:25:26.99\00:25:28.69
So the test actually
allows a woman to jump over
00:25:28.72\00:25:32.63
that social pretense and
find out exactly who the guy is.
00:25:32.66\00:25:39.33
Well, we have a
surprise for you today...
00:25:39.37\00:25:42.80
Okay, what is it
about? We actually have your
00:25:42.84\00:25:44.84
secret admirer on
the phone. Okay...
00:25:44.87\00:25:48.21
Would you like to talk to him?
00:25:48.24\00:25:50.48
Umm, are you sure
he's on the phone?
00:25:50.51\00:25:53.25
I'm sure he's on
the phone. Okay...
00:25:53.28\00:25:55.98
Kerissa - I'm just
kidding, but we would seriously
00:25:56.02\00:25:58.89
like you to contact your friend
and have him take the test
00:25:58.92\00:26:01.52
and share the results with
us on the "Road to Romance."
00:26:01.56\00:26:04.09
Okay, I guess
I'll try to do that.
00:26:04.13\00:26:07.63
So what does the Bible say
about the social personality
00:26:14.14\00:26:17.84
and how it differs from
the relational personality,
00:26:17.87\00:26:20.21
and more importantly,
how does this affect us
00:26:20.24\00:26:22.74
in the church?
00:26:22.78\00:26:24.41
About 2 years ago, my
dad passed away and my mom
00:26:24.45\00:26:27.72
grieved for a few weeks
and then admitted to me and
00:26:27.75\00:26:31.42
to my brother that she
was not happy in the marriage.
00:26:31.45\00:26:34.59
Now we already knew that,
but we were a little surprised
00:26:34.62\00:26:37.69
when she said in
52 years of marriage,
00:26:37.73\00:26:39.63
she was only happy
one of those years.
00:26:39.66\00:26:41.86
The problem was
that no one in church was
00:26:41.90\00:26:44.37
allowed to know of
their troubled marriage.
00:26:44.40\00:26:46.94
They were
officers in the church.
00:26:46.97\00:26:48.34
My dad was a first
elder, my mom was the
00:26:48.37\00:26:50.67
head superintendent.
00:26:50.71\00:26:52.04
They had a lot of young people
that were looking up to them
00:26:52.07\00:26:54.61
as a role model for marriage.
00:26:54.64\00:26:56.54
So they decided,
instead to suffer silently.
00:26:56.58\00:26:59.31
They couldn't tell the pastor.
00:26:59.35\00:27:00.88
They couldn't
confide in a sister,
00:27:00.92\00:27:02.25
and they surely
wouldn't seek professional help.
00:27:02.28\00:27:06.02
Well, I have to tell you...
00:27:06.05\00:27:07.66
We continued like
that for a few decades,
00:27:07.69\00:27:11.13
and it was pretty damaging or
disturbing to my brother and I.
00:27:11.16\00:27:15.80
It's not okay for a parent
to save their best behavior
00:27:15.83\00:27:20.80
for outsiders or
for folks at church.
00:27:20.84\00:27:23.71
It's not okay to save the jokes
for people that you don't know
00:27:23.74\00:27:27.38
while you neglect your family
and give them instead a frown.
00:27:27.41\00:27:31.15
It's not okay to get so
lost in your work for God
00:27:31.18\00:27:34.32
that you forget the
work you need to do at home
00:27:34.35\00:27:37.35
with your family.
00:27:37.39\00:27:38.72
Thanks for joining us today.
00:27:38.75\00:27:40.09
Tune in next time to
find out how genetics
00:27:40.12\00:27:43.73
and hormones play a vital role
00:27:43.76\00:27:46.09
in the law of
attraction and bonding.
00:27:46.13\00:27:48.96