Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Don & Elaine, Kerissa, Robert & Tangela
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000003
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00:25 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:27 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob. 00:29 Today we are going to take a look at Robert and Tangela's 00:33 test results. 00:34 Let's welcome our couple! Hello. Hi 00:39 Good to have you back. Very great to be back! 00:42 So, you guys must have been in suspense. Oh yes 00:47 Wondering what your test results are. Oh yes! 00:50 Okay, if you remember the last time we met, 00:53 I explained that everything comes down to your XY score, 00:59 your XY difference, remember? Yes 01:01 Okay, my assistants, I have research assistants 01:05 and they feel equally strongly, as I do, that if a couple 01:10 have a huge difference in their XY score, 01:16 we should prepare them. Um hm 01:18 So this is what I'm going to do right now... 01:20 I'm going to help you to navigate some of the things 01:24 that might occur before they do. 01:29 A researcher did a study and found that 90%, 01:35 90% of singles that are prepared in advanced for what they 01:42 will encounter when they commit fully like you guys 01:45 are contemplating or even go the extra mile, 01:49 go all the way to marriage. 01:51 You have a 90% chance of staying together if someone 01:55 helped you to adjust, ahead of time, to what you meet 02:00 on the other side. 02:02 Does that make sense? Yes 02:03 So, you have a 10% chance of not staying together 02:06 if you are not prepared for what's coming... 02:09 A 90% chance of staying together, 02:11 so that's the reason why we take some time to talk about it. 02:16 Okay, can one of you tell me what the X is all about, 02:21 the X and the Y... I mean from what you 02:23 remember from the last program. 02:25 I think I remember that the X is I need a... was it... 02:33 attention? You can jump in. 02:36 Communication. Okay, communication. 02:40 So the first X or Y is communication, right? Right 02:44 If you have an X, it means that you have a 02:47 high need for communication. 02:48 If you have a Y, it means that you have 02:50 a low need for communication. Um hm 02:53 And the other half of it was... Um affection? 02:56 Affection - intimacy. Um hm 02:58 Now intimacy - there are really 15 parts to this, 03:01 and, you know, I'm saying this for the first time because 03:03 you guys need to be prepared. 03:05 We're not going to go into all of those pieces today, 03:08 but we actually call them "personality pieces." 03:11 So you have 15 for communication and you have 15 for intimacy, 03:15 and those need to be matched. 03:18 Just to give you an example... 03:20 If one of you has a low score in communication, 03:24 the type of problem that the other partner would have 03:27 would look like this... 03:28 You'd be at work, you'd be trying to contact him, 03:32 and when he gets the call and the call comes through, 03:36 he's likely to be slightly irritated. Hmmm 03:40 Because Y-types generally would prefer not to be bothered 03:45 at their workplace. 03:47 And the reason for that is, Ys really value their work. 03:51 The whole self-esteem of the Y- type, especially Y-type 03:54 male is built around the workplace, the career. Oh, okay. 04:00 And basically, it really means that you, if you were the X 04:06 would have to respect that. Right 04:08 You know, so there are a lot of Ys who have problems 04:11 with the fact that their husband is at work for 16 hours, 04:15 18 hours, 12 hours, 10 hours in the day and for what she 04:20 thinks it's a neglect to the family. 04:23 And, in fact, what he's thinking is, "This is how I show my love, 04:26 this is how I show that I care, by working really hard 04:29 and pouring everything into the workplace." 04:32 But for you, you would look at it as, "Well maybe your 04:37 priorities are a little mixed up, maybe you need to put 04:40 the priority on home and family and children." Hmmm 04:44 Now that is an example of an XY difference. 04:47 Now you guys are now dating, and as I said, 04:48 you're in the romantic phase, so a lot of what I'm saying 04:52 could easily go over your head. 04:54 You're thinking, "Well this is not us, we're good, 04:55 we're not having this problem at all." 04:57 And in fact, in fact - remember we said the last time, 05:01 you guys have a lot of hormones right now that are blinding you 05:04 to anything that might cause an emotional upset later on. 05:10 So my job is to tell you what's going to be on the other side. 05:13 When we created the XY Personality Test, 05:15 we had a lot of young people that were going through 05:19 relationship after relationship and getting hurt, 05:22 and we thought to ourselves, why not create a test 05:27 that could tell two people before they get bonded, 05:31 before they get committed. 05:33 Tell two people exactly what they 05:34 could expect on the other side and then the choice is yours. 05:38 Now as a psychologist, I have the responsibility to help you 05:42 stay together no matter what you discover today. 05:46 Does that make sense? Yes 05:47 Yeah, because 85% of the folks that I tested, 05:49 by the way - 85%, have been in what we call an 05:53 XY relationship which really means 05:55 that they're unbalanced. 05:57 One of them needs more communication, 06:00 and the other giving less. 06:01 The other needs more intimacy and the other feels 06:05 "Well I'm giving all I can." Right 06:07 So that's what the communication piece would look like. 06:10 Dating - Let me tell you how that looks. 06:13 You may send him a text and you may give him an essay, 06:17 a paragraph - so much so that you know how sometimes 06:21 your phone has to break up your text because it's so long. Right 06:24 Why not use the phone? Okay, there you go... 06:26 Yeah well... well, can't call any names of any, 06:29 you know, specific phone texts, but there are some phones 06:31 that have to break up that text because it's so long. 06:34 Well guess what? The X-type person is a person 06:36 that sends that long text because they are very 06:39 elaborative - they love to give the gory details 06:43 to every story, to every question, 06:45 to every communication. Right 06:48 Now the Y-type, on the other hand, would respond to 06:51 that same text that took three screens, that person would 06:55 respond with a word. 06:58 Most times "okay." 07:01 It doesn't matter what you ask. 07:03 You could ask - "Do you want to go to dinner at 5, 07:06 or do you want to go at 7 and you still get, "Okay." 07:11 Well, "okay" to what? Is it 5 or is it 7? Right 07:14 But wives practice an economy with words. 07:17 They really see function in communication, 07:20 and if it's not functional, I'm not going to give you 07:23 more than okay if okay will do the trick. Right 07:26 Some wives actually respond with a "K" because 07:29 the o-k-a, hey that's a waste of letters. Yeah 07:32 Let's just drop that and give you the "K." 07:35 Some people have also noticed that Y-types tend to not be 07:38 able to send a text with a smiley face. 07:43 We're now researching it, we're not sure, 07:44 gotta find out what that's about. 07:46 But, for some strange reason, they think it's just not, 07:50 I guess not manly, not mature, so they don't send 07:54 smiley faces and some people have actually used that to 07:57 figure out, "Well maybe I shouldn't even 07:59 go out with this guy because, you know, his text 08:02 messages are so serious. 08:04 Okay? Now intimacy - it's a different story. 08:08 The Y-types in intimacy, they usually don't like 08:12 hand-holding, they don't like a lot of affection. 08:16 Now it has nothing to do with love - they love you, 08:20 but they don't like to be crowded. 08:24 They don't like to lose their solitude. 08:27 They need space and time when they get home in the afternoon, 08:30 and the poor wife is there thinking, "I was with the kids 08:33 all day and now I need to talk to an adult and you're 08:35 the adult... why can't I talk to you?" 08:38 But he needs time to rejuvenate, right? Right 08:41 Okay, let's look at the monitor now and see 08:46 what your results are. 08:50 Robert, XX - X borderline. X- moderately high for intimacy. 08:59 So you borderline for communication and 09:02 moderately high for your need for intimacy. 09:06 Tangela, XX - you borderline in your need for communication, 09:14 and you're moderately high in your need for affection 09:20 and intimacy. 09:22 So, what do you guys think 09:23 about your results? They're good so far. 09:29 You think that's good? Laughter 09:31 Really? Laughter 09:34 Exactly like me. 09:36 Tangela, do you agree with that? 09:37 I'm not sure what to think because, you know 09:41 I'm new to all of these things different things 09:43 like that, so I'm opened to get better understanding 09:47 in how, you know, it works. 09:51 Well you will be happy to know that you guys are 09:58 perfectly matched! Oh really... 10:00 You had less than a 10% chance of this happening. 10:03 In fact, in all the people I've tested, this has not happened 10:06 all year! Wow! 10:08 Welcome to the "Road to Romance." 10:09 Thank you for the journey! Oh... thank you! 10:20 Don and Elaine are back with us. 10:22 Today, we are going to discuss bonding through communication. 10:26 Welcome Don and Elaine. Thank you, thank you. 10:29 As you know, bonding is essential, 10:32 really important in a relationship. 10:35 We talked about your personality types and today we'll talk 10:39 about how those personality differences affect 10:43 communication. 10:44 Now, science has really opened our eyes to what communication 10:49 does for a relationship and does for a marriage. 10:52 Today we know, 10 times, what we knew 20, 30, 40 years ago. 10:57 Bonding, we thought, was just a matter of intimacy, 11:01 but now, today, we're finding out, in fact, 11:03 that communication also fosters bonding, 11:07 and by that I mean this... When you communicate, 11:10 you actually increase the hormonal flow in your body. 11:15 We mentioned the hormone, oxytocin, before. 11:18 Oxytocin is the hormone that's responsible for helping 11:22 you to feel close to each other. 11:24 So if Elaine, for instance, has a certain level of need... 11:28 Remember we talked about the levels of need with 11:30 communication and intimacy... If Elaine has a certain level 11:35 of need - it means that Don has to supply that need 11:39 for your oxytocin to flow. 11:41 When that flows, you feel a sense of closeness to Don. 11:45 Does that make sense? Yes 11:47 Okay, science has it down to where right now 11:51 we can tell you that Don probably uses about 7,000 11:57 words to communicate per day. 11:59 Don, you are an engineer, is that right? Yes 12:01 Okay, it's amazing that we actually choose careers 12:05 instinctively to match our personality types, 12:09 but we don't choose mates in the same way, 12:13 we go about an entirely different process. 12:16 So, for instance, many of our Y- type males 12:21 in engineering careers, computer programming. 12:25 We have a lot of them in many of our internet companies, 12:29 some of them very famous folks that you know also are Y-type 12:33 according to our model and as far as communication goes, 12:38 you know, you're sitting in front of a computer 12:40 and if you're programming, you're not doing a lot of 12:43 talking, you're not doing a lot of interacting 12:45 and that is suitable for folks like that. 12:48 For folks like you, Elaine, you would prefer a career 12:51 where you're interacting more. Yes 12:53 So 20,000 words is what we have scientifically 12:58 found that you would need in your day to feel satisfied, 13:02 to feel that you have met your quota, so-to-speak, 13:06 of words. 13:08 Now there are some other researched projects out there, 13:11 other studies out there that actually contradict that 13:14 and they said they found that we each need 16,000 words, 13:19 but the problem with those studies happens to be that 13:22 they didn't look at categories such as X and Y. 13:25 One study was done on loneliness and they decided to find out 13:33 what was the relationship between loneliness 13:36 and longevity. 13:37 So naturally what they found was that folks who were 13:42 lonelier died a great deal sooner, about 3 or 4 years 13:48 earlier than they thought they would have. 13:52 But what was interesting is, the folks who were in a marriage 13:57 and lonely were dying even sooner. 14:02 So they really decided that, you know what, 14:06 the loneliest people on the planet are the folks who are 14:11 married and not having their needs met, 14:14 not the folks who were single and alone... 14:19 so that's something to keep in mind. 14:22 So why don't you guys share with me your own challenges 14:25 with communication. 14:26 Elaine, your personality test showed that you had a higher 14:31 need than Don - I mean, is this something 14:34 that you were experiencing? 14:35 Yes and I need to have communication that uses 14:40 feeling words. Okay 14:42 And making sure that I have eye contact that he is not 14:48 multitasking because I need his undivided attention. Right 14:53 And when he gives that to me, then those hormones work... 14:59 Then there is a sense of peace, a sense of wholeness, 15:06 and that he is there for me. Right 15:10 The interesting thing is... I paid attention to some of the 15:13 buzz words that you used. 15:15 You wanted him to communicate more feelings. 15:18 Well, if you recall, your personality test showed that 15:21 you had a higher need for intimacy than he does. Yes 15:24 Which means it's natural for him not to communicate, 15:26 you know, to meet that need. 15:28 And also, of course, attention. 15:31 Remember, when we met before, I mentioned that personality has 15:36 components, about 15 for communication, 15:40 and about 15 for intimacy. 15:42 So I call them personality pieces. 15:44 Well attention is one of those and Y-types tend to not 15:49 seem as attentive as an X-type person would be. 15:53 That's one of the 15. 15:55 So when you express your needs to Don, 15:59 and when you read the book, "The XY Theory Book", 16:03 you can put a checkmark next to the exact 16:05 personality piece that you feel you need so that Don knows 16:09 this component is exactly what I need 16:12 because folks need to know what they can work on. 16:15 It's not good enough for us to do what we did 20 years ago and 16:18 be global with our criticisms, and so you know what... 16:21 You're not communicating enough 16:22 because that doesn't mean anything. 16:24 What does that mean? Do you want me to talk more? 16:26 Do you want me to share feelings more? 16:29 Would you like me to be more attentive 16:30 and listen when you're talking? 16:32 There's also an accountability piece in the whole personality 16:37 scheme and accountability is a little different. 16:40 If Don were, for instance, to go to work or 16:43 to have something to do after work that would take 16:46 him away from the home, let's say for 2 or 3 hours... 16:49 So he's going to be 2 or 3 hours late. 16:51 Well, a lot of Y-types, especially husbands, 16:55 they don't see the need to call and let the wife know, 16:58 "I'm going to be late." 17:00 Now for the wife, it seems like, "Well, why is he going to 17:03 be this rude - if he knew he was 17:05 going to be late, he can just tell me so." 17:07 But for the functional Y where communication is functional, 17:11 Don is thinking, "Well, what's the harm, I don't see any 17:15 reason to really call and let you know if something 17:18 was wrong, if something was drastic I would call, 17:21 you know I'm okay," and so it's a difference in the level of 17:25 accountability because of the personality differences. 17:28 Now you guys were given a challenge and so I'm going to 17:31 ask you about that challenge. 17:33 If you would recall, let's start with you, Elaine. 17:39 You were given a challenge to mode switch. 17:43 Now I have to explain that for our audience. 17:46 Basically when you guys came to me when we started our 17:49 coaching sessions, we wanted to work on communication. 17:54 But what I had noticed was... because of your need 17:57 in terms of because you have grown, 17:59 you guys have been married for 42 years now, right? Yes 18:02 Okay, when you're married for that long, 18:04 it means that you have been going for quite a while, 18:06 quite some time without having that need met, 18:09 and at this stage, you're at a stage of escalation. 18:13 So when you're having your exchanges, your communication, 18:16 now it's not calm anymore, it's pretty escalated. 18:19 It's pretty amped up. Right 18:20 And so what I felt we needed to do was - we needed to 18:24 bring that down before you guys could learn to even 18:27 communicate effectively. 18:29 We needed to bring down the level of that escalation... 18:33 So I gave you a challenge and it was called "mode-switching" 18:37 which meant - if you were upset with Don, for instance, 18:40 instead of being verbal or vocal about it, 18:44 you had to find another way to communicate. 18:47 Use another mode of communication. 18:49 So you were allowed to either text him or email him, 18:53 or use just snail mail, just write the longhand letter. 18:57 How did that work for you? 18:59 Actually, I think that week was a pretty good week. 19:03 So we didn't have a lot of escalation, 19:06 but I still found that it was difficult for me. 19:09 There was, I think, two times in which I actually wrote down 19:14 where I felt that my anger was coming up to the point 19:18 where I needed to write. Right 19:21 And the way that works is... At least you don't vocalize 19:25 and you don't get into the escalation. Yes 19:27 Don, did you notice that she had that challenge? 19:30 Did you notice any difference? 19:31 Truthfully, no, I did not notice a difference. 19:34 Right, because that was Elaine's challenge, 19:36 and it worked quite well. 19:38 So both of you were given challenges 19:41 to work on for the next time. 19:43 On our next program, we'll see how well you did. 19:45 Stay tuned, we'll be right back with our single guest. 19:55 Let's welcome Kerissa back to "Road to Romance" 19:58 Welcome Kerissa. Hi! 20:00 So on our last program, you mentioned that when you 20:04 were 15, maybe 16, you dated differently. Um hm 20:08 And now you are doing things a bit different from 20:12 how you did then. Yes 20:14 So I thought let's take a look at how X-types date, 20:18 and how Y-types date because it's very different. 20:20 And then you could decide which you prefer. Okay 20:23 So okay? Yes 20:24 Let's take a look at the monitor. 20:25 Okay, starting too early. X- types - X-types tend to 20:29 start dating earlier than Y- types. 20:33 Now it's important to know that your brains do not 20:35 develop until about age 20 and in boys 24. 20:39 Now how old are you? I'm 22. 20:41 Okay, so what that means is if you are serious about 20:44 dating right now and you wanted to date a guy that's 20:46 close to your age, you're probably going to 20:49 get a guy who is not mentally mature enough 20:53 to be in a committed relationship, 20:54 and that's probably what you want. 20:56 You probably don't want to date around. 20:57 You want to be serious and be in a committed 20:59 relationship, am I right? Yes 21:01 Okay, so that would be something that you would 21:02 need to think about. 21:04 Starting too early - the last part of the brain to develop 21:07 is the prefrontal cortex which controls impulses, 21:10 more reasoning, emotional stability, 21:13 concentration and prioritizing. 21:15 All of those are big words simply to say, 21:17 that a guy needs to have all of that working 21:21 in order to make a firm commitment, 21:23 and he won't be able to do that at your age 22. 21:27 Would he? No, he wouldn't. 21:29 By now, I hope I have cemented this in your brain. 21:34 I hope I have pushed this point as far as it could go. 21:37 Only date Xs like you are. 21:40 When you try to date Y-types, remember we did your test, 21:43 and you were moderately high X in communication. Yes 21:47 And moderately high in intimacy 21:49 which means that you want to find a guy that is within 21:52 that range. 21:53 If you step out of that range, as a lot of X-types do, 21:56 thinking that they can make whatever adjustments 21:59 are needed to make the relationship work, 22:00 they tend to run into a lot of problems. Okay? 22:04 Next - Cohabitation. It's a rising problem 22:09 right now in our church. 22:12 I think probably 50 or 60% of young people that have 22:17 come up to me to talk to me personally about their problems, 22:21 actually were in a cohabitation with someone else, 22:27 and it's definitely an X-type problem more than a 22:31 Y- type problem and, as you know, there are several 22:36 studies out there that show that it's not the way to go. 22:39 For anyone looking for a good marriage, a good start 22:44 to marriage, cohabitation actually cuts short 22:48 certain processes that you should go through 22:51 in terms of stages of a relationship. 22:53 It actually cuts it short and jeopardizes 22:57 your future marriage. 22:58 Not a good idea - I'm not saying that you're doing it, 23:01 but we have a lot of X-type young women out there 23:04 that are considering it and it's absolutely not a good idea. 23:07 So you weren't sure whether you wanted to date like an X 23:10 or date like a Y... That's the impression that I got. 23:13 So, here it is... You don't want to miss that window. 23:19 Between 20 and 30, some scientists have felt that 23:22 that's the window of opportunity in terms of 23:25 finding someone. 23:26 Y- types play too long. 23:29 They stay out there dating too long, 23:30 and they have to be careful about stringing people along. 23:34 I think that's what you were concerned about 23:36 in the early stages of dating. 23:37 Next - Be more open and disclosing. 23:41 Y- types need to be less superficial, less materialistic. 23:44 Right? Y- types need to compromise 23:47 a little more and only date Y- types who won't 23:49 appear emotionally needy. 23:50 You seemed deep in thought while I was showing 23:53 those slides - so what was going on? 23:55 Well actually, I was thinking that there's this guy that has 23:59 shown an interest in me and I'm looking at this information 24:02 and I'm thinking now... I'm kind of curious as to know 24:04 like what relationship personality he actually is. 24:09 Is there actually any way that I can find that out 24:11 without having him take the test because I don't 24:14 think he'd be up for it. He wouldn't want to 24:15 test, huh? Yes 24:17 Yes actually, there is a way. 24:18 If you know him well enough, in the book, X Y Theory, 24:21 there is a test that you can take for him, 24:24 and it's 95% accurate. 24:26 It will still give you the match and let you know 24:28 whether or not you guys are a match; whether he's an X, 24:30 whether he's a Y, and you could even do it 24:33 if you had an X boyfriend and you needed to know 24:36 that information about. 24:37 Is that something you would like to do? 24:38 Oh, I think I'd actually like to do that. 24:40 You'd like to do that? Yeah 24:41 Okay good, so what we'll do is we will actually send you 24:45 now to take that test and on our next program 24:49 we'll let you know the results. Okay, sounds good. 24:59 Today we've been talking about bonding and communication. 25:02 But what does the Bible have to say about it? 25:04 Well actually, the Bible has a lot to say about it. 25:07 In Timothy, we are told... "If someone does not provide 25:10 for his own, especially those of his own household, 25:13 he is worse than an infidel." 25:15 Well, some time ago, I attended a church where 25:17 I conducted a workshop on communication and intimacy 25:22 and a young lady approached me 25:23 after the service and asked, "Can I speak to you?" 25:26 And she kept looking over her shoulder and I wondered why. 25:28 She wanted to speak to me without her husband noticing, 25:33 and so we went into a private room and she almost broke down 25:38 in tears as she explained that she was married to a good man 25:42 who loved her, but she wasn't getting enough communication. 25:46 The intimacy in the couple was fine - she was happy 25:50 with the fact that he was affectionate, he was loving. 25:53 She knew that he loved her, but somehow 25:56 he wouldn't talk, he would not communicate enough 25:59 for her, so she wanted to find out if something 26:01 was actually wrong. 26:04 Well, this happens a lot in many of our homes, 26:07 in many of our families. 26:08 In fact, this lady is not alone, 85% of couples tested 26:13 are in an X Y relationship, they are mismatched. 26:17 Something is wrong with communication 26:19 or something is wrong with intimacy. 26:21 Scientists have a name for this, it's so common. 26:23 They call it "The 4 is okay." but it's not okay. 26:27 It's not okay to be in a one-way relationship 26:29 when you can be in a 2-way relationship where both 26:32 partners are feeling their needs met. 26:34 It's not okay if children are aware that their parents 26:38 are not connecting... that there's a huge disconnect 26:40 between parents. 26:42 That parents act one way at home and another way 26:45 outside in front of the public view. 26:48 It's not okay that our divorce rate is at 49% when the world 26:52 is at 50... a statistical tie. 26:56 We need to do something to bring that down, 26:59 and the way we start doing that is by paying attention 27:02 to meeting each other's needs. 27:05 The man needs to meet his wife's needs. 27:07 The wife needs to meet the husband's needs, 27:10 and to do that, they both need to find out 27:12 exactly what those needs are. 27:14 This is something that we can do. 27:16 This is something that we must do as a church 27:18 if we are to survive and do God's work. 27:21 Thanks for joining us today. 27:22 Tune in next time to look at why people have 27:26 the personality at church that they do, 27:29 while they have a totally other personality 27:31 different from the one at home. 27:33 Can anything be done about this? 27:35 Join us next time to find out! |
Revised 2017-02-13