Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob.
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Today we are going to take
a look at Robert and Tangela's
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test results.
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Let's welcome
our couple! Hello. Hi
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Good to have you
back. Very great to be back!
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So, you guys must have
been in suspense. Oh yes
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Wondering what your
test results are. Oh yes!
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Okay, if you
remember the last time we met,
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I explained that everything
comes down to your XY score,
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your XY
difference, remember? Yes
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Okay, my assistants, I
have research assistants
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and they feel equally strongly,
as I do, that if a couple
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have a huge
difference in their XY score,
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we should prepare them. Um hm
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So this is what I'm
going to do right now...
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I'm going to help you to
navigate some of the things
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that might occur before they do.
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A researcher did a
study and found that 90%,
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90% of singles that are prepared
in advanced for what they
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will encounter when they
commit fully like you guys
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are contemplating or
even go the extra mile,
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go all the way to marriage.
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You have a 90% chance of
staying together if someone
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helped you to adjust,
ahead of time, to what you meet
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on the other side.
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Does that make sense? Yes
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So, you have a 10%
chance of not staying together
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if you are not
prepared for what's coming...
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A 90% chance of
staying together,
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so that's the reason why we
take some time to talk about it.
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Okay, can one of you tell
me what the X is all about,
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the X and the Y...
I mean from what you
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remember from the last program.
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I think I remember that
the X is I need a... was it...
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attention? You can jump in.
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Communication.
Okay, communication.
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So the first X or Y is
communication, right? Right
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If you have an X, it
means that you have a
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high need for communication.
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If you have a Y,
it means that you have
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a low need for
communication. Um hm
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And the other half of
it was... Um affection?
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Affection - intimacy. Um hm
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Now intimacy - there
are really 15 parts to this,
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and, you know, I'm saying
this for the first time because
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you guys need to be prepared.
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We're not going to go
into all of those pieces today,
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but we actually call
them "personality pieces."
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So you have 15 for communication
and you have 15 for intimacy,
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and those need to be matched.
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Just to give you an example...
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If one of you has a
low score in communication,
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the type of problem that
the other partner would have
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would look like this...
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You'd be at work, you'd
be trying to contact him,
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and when he gets the call
and the call comes through,
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he's likely to be
slightly irritated. Hmmm
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Because Y-types generally
would prefer not to be bothered
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at their workplace.
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And the reason for that
is, Ys really value their work.
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The whole self-esteem of
the Y- type, especially Y-type
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male is built around the
workplace, the career. Oh, okay.
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And basically, it really means
that you, if you were the X
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would have to
respect that. Right
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You know, so there are a
lot of Ys who have problems
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with the fact that their
husband is at work for 16 hours,
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18 hours, 12 hours, 10 hours
in the day and for what she
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thinks it's a
neglect to the family.
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And, in fact, what he's thinking
is, "This is how I show my love,
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this is how I show that I
care, by working really hard
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and pouring
everything into the workplace."
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But for you, you would
look at it as, "Well maybe your
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priorities are a little
mixed up, maybe you need to put
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the priority on home and
family and children." Hmmm
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Now that is an
example of an XY difference.
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Now you guys are now
dating, and as I said,
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you're in the romantic phase,
so a lot of what I'm saying
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could easily go over your head.
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You're thinking, "Well
this is not us, we're good,
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we're not having
this problem at all."
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And in fact, in fact -
remember we said the last time,
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you guys have a lot of hormones
right now that are blinding you
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to anything that might cause
an emotional upset later on.
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So my job is to tell you what's
going to be on the other side.
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When we created the
XY Personality Test,
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we had a lot of young
people that were going through
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relationship after
relationship and getting hurt,
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and we thought to
ourselves, why not create a test
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that could tell two
people before they get bonded,
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before they get committed.
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Tell two people
exactly what they
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could expect on the other side
and then the choice is yours.
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Now as a psychologist, I have
the responsibility to help you
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stay together no matter
what you discover today.
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Does that make sense? Yes
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Yeah, because 85% of
the folks that I tested,
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by the way - 85%, have
been in what we call an
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XY relationship
which really means
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that they're unbalanced.
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One of them needs
more communication,
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and the other giving less.
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The other needs more
intimacy and the other feels
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"Well I'm giving
all I can." Right
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So that's what the communication
piece would look like.
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Dating - Let me
tell you how that looks.
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You may send him a text
and you may give him an essay,
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a paragraph - so much so
that you know how sometimes
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your phone has to break up your
text because it's so long. Right
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Why not use the
phone? Okay, there you go...
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Yeah well... well,
can't call any names of any,
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you know, specific phone
texts, but there are some phones
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that have to break up
that text because it's so long.
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Well guess what? The
X-type person is a person
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that sends that long
text because they are very
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elaborative - they love
to give the gory details
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to every story,
to every question,
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to every communication. Right
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Now the Y-type, on the
other hand, would respond to
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that same text that took
three screens, that person would
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respond with a word.
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Most times "okay."
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It doesn't matter what you ask.
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You could ask - "Do you
want to go to dinner at 5,
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or do you want to go at 7
and you still get, "Okay."
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Well, "okay" to what?
Is it 5 or is it 7? Right
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But wives practice
an economy with words.
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They really see
function in communication,
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and if it's not functional,
I'm not going to give you
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more than okay if okay
will do the trick. Right
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Some wives actually
respond with a "K" because
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the o-k-a, hey that's
a waste of letters. Yeah
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Let's just drop that
and give you the "K."
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Some people have also noticed
that Y-types tend to not be
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able to send a
text with a smiley face.
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We're now
researching it, we're not sure,
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gotta find out
what that's about.
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But, for some strange reason,
they think it's just not,
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I guess not manly, not
mature, so they don't send
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smiley faces and some people
have actually used that to
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figure out, "Well
maybe I shouldn't even
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go out with this guy
because, you know, his text
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messages are so serious.
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Okay? Now intimacy -
it's a different story.
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The Y-types in intimacy,
they usually don't like
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hand-holding, they
don't like a lot of affection.
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Now it has nothing to do
with love - they love you,
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but they don't
like to be crowded.
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They don't like to
lose their solitude.
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They need space and time when
they get home in the afternoon,
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and the poor wife is there
thinking, "I was with the kids
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all day and now I need to
talk to an adult and you're
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the adult... why
can't I talk to you?"
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But he needs time to
rejuvenate, right? Right
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Okay, let's look at
the monitor now and see
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what your results are.
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Robert, XX - X borderline.
X- moderately high for intimacy.
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So you borderline
for communication and
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moderately high for
your need for intimacy.
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Tangela, XX - you borderline
in your need for communication,
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and you're moderately
high in your need for affection
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and intimacy.
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So, what do you guys think
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about your results?
They're good so far.
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You think that's good? Laughter
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Really? Laughter
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Exactly like me.
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Tangela, do you agree with that?
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I'm not sure what to
think because, you know
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I'm new to all of
these things different things
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like that, so I'm opened
to get better understanding
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in how, you know, it works.
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Well you will be happy
to know that you guys are
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perfectly matched! Oh really...
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You had less than a 10%
chance of this happening.
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In fact, in all the people I've
tested, this has not happened
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all year! Wow!
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Welcome to the
"Road to Romance."
00:10:08.34\00:10:09.67
Thank you for the
journey! Oh... thank you!
00:10:09.70\00:10:16.51
Don and Elaine are back with us.
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Today, we are going to discuss
bonding through communication.
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Welcome Don and
Elaine. Thank you, thank you.
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As you know,
bonding is essential,
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really important
in a relationship.
00:10:32.83\00:10:35.63
We talked about your personality
types and today we'll talk
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about how those
personality differences affect
00:10:39.63\00:10:43.00
communication.
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Now, science has really opened
our eyes to what communication
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does for a relationship
and does for a marriage.
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Today we know, 10 times, what
we knew 20, 30, 40 years ago.
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Bonding, we thought, was
just a matter of intimacy,
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but now, today,
we're finding out, in fact,
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that communication
also fosters bonding,
00:11:03.79\00:11:07.00
and by that I mean
this... When you communicate,
00:11:07.03\00:11:10.67
you actually increase the
hormonal flow in your body.
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We mentioned the
hormone, oxytocin, before.
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Oxytocin is the hormone
that's responsible for helping
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you to feel close to each other.
00:11:22.28\00:11:24.81
So if Elaine, for instance,
has a certain level of need...
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Remember we talked
about the levels of need with
00:11:28.25\00:11:30.42
communication and intimacy...
If Elaine has a certain level
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of need - it means that
Don has to supply that need
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for your oxytocin to flow.
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When that flows, you feel
a sense of closeness to Don.
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Does that make sense? Yes
00:11:45.30\00:11:47.14
Okay, science has it
down to where right now
00:11:47.17\00:11:51.67
we can tell you that Don
probably uses about 7,000
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words to communicate per day.
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Don, you are an
engineer, is that right? Yes
00:11:59.65\00:12:01.68
Okay, it's amazing that
we actually choose careers
00:12:01.72\00:12:05.92
instinctively to
match our personality types,
00:12:05.95\00:12:09.32
but we don't choose
mates in the same way,
00:12:09.36\00:12:13.50
we go about an
entirely different process.
00:12:13.53\00:12:16.16
So, for instance,
many of our Y- type males
00:12:16.20\00:12:21.04
in engineering
careers, computer programming.
00:12:21.07\00:12:25.41
We have a lot of them in
many of our internet companies,
00:12:25.44\00:12:29.48
some of them very famous folks
that you know also are Y-type
00:12:29.51\00:12:33.82
according to our model and
as far as communication goes,
00:12:33.85\00:12:38.69
you know, you're
sitting in front of a computer
00:12:38.72\00:12:40.89
and if you're programming,
you're not doing a lot of
00:12:40.92\00:12:43.43
talking, you're not
doing a lot of interacting
00:12:43.46\00:12:45.06
and that is
suitable for folks like that.
00:12:45.09\00:12:48.36
For folks like you, Elaine,
you would prefer a career
00:12:48.40\00:12:51.23
where you're
interacting more. Yes
00:12:51.27\00:12:53.40
So 20,000 words is
what we have scientifically
00:12:53.44\00:12:58.17
found that you would need
in your day to feel satisfied,
00:12:58.21\00:13:02.48
to feel that you have
met your quota, so-to-speak,
00:13:02.51\00:13:06.68
of words.
00:13:06.72\00:13:08.05
Now there are some other
researched projects out there,
00:13:08.08\00:13:11.22
other studies out there
that actually contradict that
00:13:11.25\00:13:14.29
and they said they found
that we each need 16,000 words,
00:13:14.32\00:13:19.16
but the problem with
those studies happens to be that
00:13:19.19\00:13:22.06
they didn't look at
categories such as X and Y.
00:13:22.10\00:13:25.80
One study was done on loneliness
and they decided to find out
00:13:25.83\00:13:32.97
what was the
relationship between loneliness
00:13:33.01\00:13:35.98
and longevity.
00:13:36.01\00:13:37.95
So naturally what they
found was that folks who were
00:13:37.98\00:13:42.02
lonelier died a great
deal sooner, about 3 or 4 years
00:13:42.05\00:13:48.66
earlier than they
thought they would have.
00:13:48.69\00:13:52.09
But what was interesting is,
the folks who were in a marriage
00:13:52.13\00:13:57.07
and lonely were
dying even sooner.
00:13:57.10\00:14:02.30
So they really
decided that, you know what,
00:14:02.34\00:14:06.37
the loneliest people on the
planet are the folks who are
00:14:06.41\00:14:11.61
married and not
having their needs met,
00:14:11.65\00:14:14.88
not the folks who
were single and alone...
00:14:14.92\00:14:19.32
so that's
something to keep in mind.
00:14:19.35\00:14:22.12
So why don't you guys share
with me your own challenges
00:14:22.16\00:14:25.46
with communication.
00:14:25.49\00:14:26.83
Elaine, your personality test
showed that you had a higher
00:14:26.86\00:14:31.93
need than Don - I
mean, is this something
00:14:31.97\00:14:34.30
that you were experiencing?
00:14:34.34\00:14:35.84
Yes and I need to have
communication that uses
00:14:35.87\00:14:40.18
feeling words. Okay
00:14:40.21\00:14:42.91
And making sure that I
have eye contact that he is not
00:14:42.94\00:14:48.22
multitasking because I need
his undivided attention. Right
00:14:48.25\00:14:53.19
And when he gives that to
me, then those hormones work...
00:14:53.22\00:14:59.89
Then there is a sense of
peace, a sense of wholeness,
00:14:59.93\00:15:06.87
and that he is
there for me. Right
00:15:06.90\00:15:10.67
The interesting thing is...
I paid attention to some of the
00:15:10.71\00:15:13.74
buzz words that you used.
00:15:13.78\00:15:15.14
You wanted him to
communicate more feelings.
00:15:15.18\00:15:18.91
Well, if you recall, your
personality test showed that
00:15:18.95\00:15:21.32
you had a higher need for
intimacy than he does. Yes
00:15:21.35\00:15:24.22
Which means it's natural
for him not to communicate,
00:15:24.25\00:15:26.25
you know, to meet that need.
00:15:26.29\00:15:28.46
And also, of course, attention.
00:15:28.49\00:15:31.86
Remember, when we met before,
I mentioned that personality has
00:15:31.89\00:15:36.50
components, about
15 for communication,
00:15:36.53\00:15:40.14
and about 15 for intimacy.
00:15:40.17\00:15:42.67
So I call them
personality pieces.
00:15:42.70\00:15:44.47
Well attention is one of
those and Y-types tend to not
00:15:44.51\00:15:49.31
seem as attentive as
an X-type person would be.
00:15:49.34\00:15:53.58
That's one of the 15.
00:15:53.62\00:15:55.15
So when you
express your needs to Don,
00:15:55.18\00:15:59.39
and when you read the
book, "The XY Theory Book",
00:15:59.42\00:16:01.96
you can put a
checkmark next to the exact
00:16:03.79\00:16:05.53
personality piece that you
feel you need so that Don knows
00:16:05.56\00:16:09.26
this component is
exactly what I need
00:16:09.30\00:16:12.70
because folks need to
know what they can work on.
00:16:12.73\00:16:15.30
It's not good enough for us to
do what we did 20 years ago and
00:16:15.34\00:16:17.97
be global with our criticisms,
and so you know what...
00:16:18.01\00:16:21.04
You're not communicating enough
00:16:21.08\00:16:22.74
because that
doesn't mean anything.
00:16:22.78\00:16:24.35
What does that mean? Do
you want me to talk more?
00:16:24.41\00:16:26.82
Do you want me to
share feelings more?
00:16:26.85\00:16:28.98
Would you like me
to be more attentive
00:16:29.02\00:16:30.72
and listen when you're talking?
00:16:30.75\00:16:32.42
There's also an accountability
piece in the whole personality
00:16:32.45\00:16:37.23
scheme and accountability
is a little different.
00:16:37.26\00:16:39.96
If Don were, for
instance, to go to work or
00:16:40.03\00:16:43.57
to have something to do
after work that would take
00:16:43.60\00:16:46.70
him away from the home,
let's say for 2 or 3 hours...
00:16:46.74\00:16:49.60
So he's going to
be 2 or 3 hours late.
00:16:49.64\00:16:51.81
Well, a lot of
Y-types, especially husbands,
00:16:51.84\00:16:55.11
they don't see the need to
call and let the wife know,
00:16:55.14\00:16:58.88
"I'm going to be late."
00:16:58.91\00:17:00.45
Now for the wife, it seems
like, "Well, why is he going to
00:17:00.48\00:17:03.95
be this rude - if he knew he was
00:17:03.99\00:17:05.59
going to be late, he
can just tell me so."
00:17:05.62\00:17:07.06
But for the functional Y where
communication is functional,
00:17:07.09\00:17:11.49
Don is thinking, "Well,
what's the harm, I don't see any
00:17:11.53\00:17:15.13
reason to really call
and let you know if something
00:17:15.16\00:17:17.97
was wrong, if something
was drastic I would call,
00:17:18.00\00:17:21.50
you know I'm okay," and so it's
a difference in the level of
00:17:21.54\00:17:25.37
accountability because of
the personality differences.
00:17:25.41\00:17:28.48
Now you guys were given a
challenge and so I'm going to
00:17:28.51\00:17:31.81
ask you about that challenge.
00:17:31.85\00:17:33.78
If you would recall,
let's start with you, Elaine.
00:17:33.82\00:17:39.72
You were given a
challenge to mode switch.
00:17:39.75\00:17:43.43
Now I have to explain
that for our audience.
00:17:43.46\00:17:46.36
Basically when you guys
came to me when we started our
00:17:46.39\00:17:49.76
coaching sessions, we
wanted to work on communication.
00:17:49.80\00:17:54.10
But what I had noticed
was... because of your need
00:17:54.14\00:17:57.44
in terms of
because you have grown,
00:17:57.47\00:17:59.57
you guys have been married
for 42 years now, right? Yes
00:17:59.61\00:18:02.18
Okay, when you're
married for that long,
00:18:02.21\00:18:04.55
it means that you have
been going for quite a while,
00:18:04.58\00:18:06.75
quite some time
without having that need met,
00:18:06.78\00:18:09.58
and at this stage,
you're at a stage of escalation.
00:18:09.62\00:18:13.25
So when you're having your
exchanges, your communication,
00:18:13.29\00:18:16.66
now it's not calm
anymore, it's pretty escalated.
00:18:16.69\00:18:19.53
It's pretty amped up. Right
00:18:19.56\00:18:20.90
And so what I felt we
needed to do was - we needed to
00:18:20.93\00:18:24.47
bring that down before
you guys could learn to even
00:18:24.50\00:18:27.34
communicate effectively.
00:18:27.37\00:18:29.44
We needed to bring down
the level of that escalation...
00:18:29.47\00:18:32.97
So I gave you a challenge and
it was called "mode-switching"
00:18:33.01\00:18:37.55
which meant - if you were
upset with Don, for instance,
00:18:37.58\00:18:40.78
instead of being
verbal or vocal about it,
00:18:40.82\00:18:44.42
you had to find
another way to communicate.
00:18:44.45\00:18:47.19
Use another mode
of communication.
00:18:47.22\00:18:49.72
So you were allowed to
either text him or email him,
00:18:49.76\00:18:52.99
or use just snail mail,
just write the longhand letter.
00:18:53.03\00:18:57.07
How did that work for you?
00:18:57.10\00:18:59.27
Actually, I think that
week was a pretty good week.
00:18:59.30\00:19:03.91
So we didn't have
a lot of escalation,
00:19:03.94\00:19:06.51
but I still found that
it was difficult for me.
00:19:06.54\00:19:09.81
There was, I think, two times
in which I actually wrote down
00:19:09.84\00:19:14.48
where I felt that my
anger was coming up to the point
00:19:14.52\00:19:18.15
where I needed to write. Right
00:19:18.19\00:19:21.32
And the way that works is...
At least you don't vocalize
00:19:21.36\00:19:25.09
and you don't get
into the escalation. Yes
00:19:25.13\00:19:27.93
Don, did you notice
that she had that challenge?
00:19:27.96\00:19:30.33
Did you notice any difference?
00:19:30.37\00:19:31.70
Truthfully, no, I did
not notice a difference.
00:19:31.73\00:19:34.77
Right, because that
was Elaine's challenge,
00:19:34.80\00:19:36.74
and it worked quite well.
00:19:36.77\00:19:38.77
So both of you
were given challenges
00:19:38.81\00:19:41.41
to work on for the next time.
00:19:41.44\00:19:43.01
On our next program,
we'll see how well you did.
00:19:43.04\00:19:45.55
Stay tuned, we'll be right
back with our single guest.
00:19:45.58\00:19:49.25
Let's welcome Kerissa
back to "Road to Romance"
00:19:55.89\00:19:58.43
Welcome Kerissa. Hi!
00:19:58.46\00:20:00.86
So on our last program,
you mentioned that when you
00:20:00.90\00:20:04.33
were 15, maybe 16, you
dated differently. Um hm
00:20:04.37\00:20:08.57
And now you are doing
things a bit different from
00:20:08.60\00:20:12.21
how you did then. Yes
00:20:12.24\00:20:14.31
So I thought let's take
a look at how X-types date,
00:20:14.34\00:20:18.05
and how Y-types date
because it's very different.
00:20:18.08\00:20:20.78
And then you could
decide which you prefer. Okay
00:20:20.82\00:20:23.05
So okay? Yes
00:20:23.08\00:20:24.42
Let's take a
look at the monitor.
00:20:24.45\00:20:25.79
Okay, starting too early.
X- types - X-types tend to
00:20:25.82\00:20:29.46
start dating
earlier than Y- types.
00:20:29.49\00:20:33.06
Now it's important to
know that your brains do not
00:20:33.09\00:20:35.36
develop until about
age 20 and in boys 24.
00:20:35.40\00:20:39.43
Now how old are you? I'm 22.
00:20:39.47\00:20:41.60
Okay, so what that means
is if you are serious about
00:20:41.64\00:20:44.01
dating right now and you
wanted to date a guy that's
00:20:44.04\00:20:46.91
close to your age,
you're probably going to
00:20:46.94\00:20:49.21
get a guy who is not
mentally mature enough
00:20:49.24\00:20:53.05
to be in a
committed relationship,
00:20:53.08\00:20:54.68
and that's
probably what you want.
00:20:54.72\00:20:56.28
You probably don't
want to date around.
00:20:56.32\00:20:57.85
You want to be
serious and be in a committed
00:20:57.89\00:20:59.85
relationship, am I right? Yes
00:20:59.89\00:21:01.22
Okay, so that would be
something that you would
00:21:01.26\00:21:02.82
need to think about.
00:21:02.86\00:21:04.19
Starting too early - the last
part of the brain to develop
00:21:04.23\00:21:07.80
is the prefrontal
cortex which controls impulses,
00:21:07.83\00:21:10.87
more reasoning,
emotional stability,
00:21:10.90\00:21:13.03
concentration and prioritizing.
00:21:13.07\00:21:15.07
All of those are
big words simply to say,
00:21:15.10\00:21:17.61
that a guy needs to
have all of that working
00:21:17.64\00:21:20.98
in order to make
a firm commitment,
00:21:21.01\00:21:23.31
and he won't be able
to do that at your age 22.
00:21:23.35\00:21:27.08
Would he? No, he wouldn't.
00:21:27.12\00:21:29.62
By now, I hope I have
cemented this in your brain.
00:21:29.65\00:21:33.99
I hope I have pushed this
point as far as it could go.
00:21:34.02\00:21:37.69
Only date Xs like you are.
00:21:37.73\00:21:40.30
When you try to date Y-types,
remember we did your test,
00:21:40.33\00:21:43.83
and you were moderately
high X in communication. Yes
00:21:43.87\00:21:47.47
And moderately high in intimacy
00:21:47.67\00:21:49.84
which means that you want
to find a guy that is within
00:21:49.87\00:21:52.24
that range.
00:21:52.27\00:21:53.61
If you step out of that
range, as a lot of X-types do,
00:21:53.64\00:21:56.68
thinking that they can
make whatever adjustments
00:21:56.71\00:21:59.08
are needed to make
the relationship work,
00:21:59.11\00:22:00.78
they tend to run into
a lot of problems. Okay?
00:22:00.82\00:22:04.05
Next - Cohabitation.
It's a rising problem
00:22:04.09\00:22:09.66
right now in our church.
00:22:09.69\00:22:12.36
I think probably 50 or
60% of young people that have
00:22:12.39\00:22:17.03
come up to me to talk to me
personally about their problems,
00:22:17.07\00:22:21.67
actually were in a
cohabitation with someone else,
00:22:21.70\00:22:27.24
and it's definitely an
X-type problem more than a
00:22:27.28\00:22:31.68
Y- type problem and, as
you know, there are several
00:22:31.71\00:22:36.02
studies out there that show
that it's not the way to go.
00:22:36.05\00:22:39.39
For anyone looking for a
good marriage, a good start
00:22:39.42\00:22:44.23
to marriage,
cohabitation actually cuts short
00:22:44.26\00:22:48.63
certain processes
that you should go through
00:22:48.66\00:22:51.50
in terms of
stages of a relationship.
00:22:51.53\00:22:53.94
It actually cuts it
short and jeopardizes
00:22:53.97\00:22:57.57
your future marriage.
00:22:57.61\00:22:58.94
Not a good idea - I'm not
saying that you're doing it,
00:22:58.97\00:23:01.14
but we have a lot of
X-type young women out there
00:23:01.18\00:23:04.21
that are considering it and
it's absolutely not a good idea.
00:23:04.25\00:23:07.78
So you weren't sure whether
you wanted to date like an X
00:23:07.82\00:23:10.59
or date like a Y... That's
the impression that I got.
00:23:10.62\00:23:13.32
So, here it is... You
don't want to miss that window.
00:23:13.36\00:23:19.43
Between 20 and 30, some
scientists have felt that
00:23:19.46\00:23:22.63
that's the window of
opportunity in terms of
00:23:22.66\00:23:25.57
finding someone.
00:23:25.60\00:23:26.94
Y- types play too long.
00:23:26.97\00:23:29.00
They stay out
there dating too long,
00:23:29.04\00:23:30.71
and they have to be careful
about stringing people along.
00:23:30.74\00:23:34.58
I think that's what
you were concerned about
00:23:34.61\00:23:36.34
in the early stages of dating.
00:23:36.38\00:23:37.71
Next - Be more
open and disclosing.
00:23:37.75\00:23:41.15
Y- types need to be less
superficial, less materialistic.
00:23:41.18\00:23:44.09
Right? Y- types
need to compromise
00:23:44.12\00:23:46.99
a little more and only
date Y- types who won't
00:23:47.02\00:23:49.32
appear emotionally needy.
00:23:49.36\00:23:50.69
You seemed deep in
thought while I was showing
00:23:50.73\00:23:53.60
those slides - so
what was going on?
00:23:53.63\00:23:55.70
Well actually, I was thinking
that there's this guy that has
00:23:55.73\00:23:59.27
shown an interest in me and
I'm looking at this information
00:23:59.30\00:24:02.40
and I'm thinking now...
I'm kind of curious as to know
00:24:02.44\00:24:04.74
like what relationship
personality he actually is.
00:24:04.77\00:24:09.11
Is there actually any
way that I can find that out
00:24:09.14\00:24:11.61
without having him take
the test because I don't
00:24:11.65\00:24:14.28
think he'd be up for
it. He wouldn't want to
00:24:14.32\00:24:15.65
test, huh? Yes
00:24:15.68\00:24:17.02
Yes actually, there is a way.
00:24:17.05\00:24:18.39
If you know him well
enough, in the book, X Y Theory,
00:24:18.42\00:24:21.26
there is a test that
you can take for him,
00:24:21.29\00:24:24.39
and it's 95% accurate.
00:24:24.43\00:24:26.09
It will still give you
the match and let you know
00:24:26.13\00:24:28.43
whether or not you guys
are a match; whether he's an X,
00:24:28.46\00:24:30.80
whether he's a Y,
and you could even do it
00:24:30.83\00:24:33.30
if you had an X
boyfriend and you needed to know
00:24:33.34\00:24:36.00
that information about.
00:24:36.04\00:24:37.37
Is that something
you would like to do?
00:24:37.41\00:24:38.74
Oh, I think I'd
actually like to do that.
00:24:38.77\00:24:40.34
You'd like to do that? Yeah
00:24:40.38\00:24:41.71
Okay good, so what we'll do
is we will actually send you
00:24:41.74\00:24:45.11
now to take that test
and on our next program
00:24:45.15\00:24:49.38
we'll let you know the
results. Okay, sounds good.
00:24:49.42\00:24:52.15
Today we've been talking
about bonding and communication.
00:24:59.29\00:25:02.46
But what does the
Bible have to say about it?
00:25:02.50\00:25:04.60
Well actually, the Bible
has a lot to say about it.
00:25:04.63\00:25:07.57
In Timothy, we are told...
"If someone does not provide
00:25:07.60\00:25:10.57
for his own, especially
those of his own household,
00:25:10.61\00:25:13.64
he is worse than an infidel."
00:25:13.68\00:25:15.24
Well, some time ago, I
attended a church where
00:25:15.28\00:25:17.75
I conducted a workshop on
communication and intimacy
00:25:17.78\00:25:22.08
and a young lady approached me
00:25:22.12\00:25:23.75
after the service and
asked, "Can I speak to you?"
00:25:23.79\00:25:26.25
And she kept looking over
her shoulder and I wondered why.
00:25:26.29\00:25:28.76
She wanted to speak to me
without her husband noticing,
00:25:28.79\00:25:32.99
and so we went into a private
room and she almost broke down
00:25:33.03\00:25:37.97
in tears as she explained that
she was married to a good man
00:25:38.00\00:25:41.97
who loved her, but she wasn't
getting enough communication.
00:25:42.00\00:25:46.54
The intimacy in the
couple was fine - she was happy
00:25:46.57\00:25:50.45
with the fact that he was
affectionate, he was loving.
00:25:50.48\00:25:53.45
She knew that he
loved her, but somehow
00:25:53.48\00:25:56.22
he wouldn't talk, he
would not communicate enough
00:25:56.25\00:25:59.59
for her, so she wanted
to find out if something
00:25:59.62\00:26:01.86
was actually wrong.
00:26:01.89\00:26:04.06
Well, this happens a
lot in many of our homes,
00:26:04.09\00:26:07.26
in many of our families.
00:26:07.30\00:26:08.63
In fact, this lady is not
alone, 85% of couples tested
00:26:08.66\00:26:13.34
are in an X Y relationship,
they are mismatched.
00:26:13.37\00:26:17.01
Something is
wrong with communication
00:26:17.04\00:26:19.04
or something is
wrong with intimacy.
00:26:19.07\00:26:21.04
Scientists have a name
for this, it's so common.
00:26:21.08\00:26:23.88
They call it "The 4 is
okay." but it's not okay.
00:26:23.91\00:26:27.12
It's not okay to be
in a one-way relationship
00:26:27.15\00:26:29.78
when you can be in a
2-way relationship where both
00:26:29.82\00:26:32.15
partners are
feeling their needs met.
00:26:32.19\00:26:34.62
It's not okay if children
are aware that their parents
00:26:34.66\00:26:38.23
are not connecting...
that there's a huge disconnect
00:26:38.26\00:26:40.73
between parents.
00:26:40.76\00:26:42.10
That parents act one
way at home and another way
00:26:42.13\00:26:45.57
outside in front
of the public view.
00:26:45.60\00:26:48.17
It's not okay that our divorce
rate is at 49% when the world
00:26:48.20\00:26:52.47
is at 50... a statistical tie.
00:26:52.51\00:26:56.24
We need to do
something to bring that down,
00:26:56.28\00:26:59.05
and the way we start doing
that is by paying attention
00:26:59.08\00:27:02.62
to meeting each other's needs.
00:27:02.65\00:27:05.52
The man needs to
meet his wife's needs.
00:27:05.55\00:27:07.79
The wife needs to
meet the husband's needs,
00:27:07.82\00:27:10.03
and to do that, they
both need to find out
00:27:10.06\00:27:12.53
exactly what those needs are.
00:27:12.56\00:27:14.53
This is
something that we can do.
00:27:14.56\00:27:16.20
This is something
that we must do as a church
00:27:16.23\00:27:18.40
if we are to
survive and do God's work.
00:27:18.43\00:27:21.30
Thanks for joining us today.
00:27:21.34\00:27:22.74
Tune in next time to
look at why people have
00:27:22.77\00:27:26.31
the personality at
church that they do,
00:27:26.34\00:27:29.18
while they have a
totally other personality
00:27:29.21\00:27:31.88
different from the one at home.
00:27:31.91\00:27:33.28
Can anything be done about this?
00:27:33.31\00:27:35.02
Join us next time to find out!
00:27:35.05\00:27:38.49