Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Don & Elaine, Kerissa, Robert & Tangela
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000002
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00:24 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:27 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob. 00:29 Today we have some exciting news for you. 00:31 We're going to share the XY Personality Test results for 00:34 couple Don and Elaine, and for a single, Kerissa. 00:37 But before we do that, let's meet our new couple, 00:40 Robert and Tangela. 00:42 Tangela, Robert - Welcome. Thank you 00:45 Thank you for being on our show. You're welcome 00:48 We have some exciting news that we'll share with you. 00:54 We have a new theory that we will also share, 00:56 but I want to ask you guys, how did you guys first meet? 00:59 We met at an event in San Diego. 01:03 We kind of spent some time talking to each other, 01:06 and exchanged numbers and we kind of had a long distance 01:11 phone relationship, you know, for a little while. 01:13 And then eventually, she moved to northern California, 01:17 and that's when we kind of continued. 01:19 All right, so this is fairly new though. Very new, yeah. 01:22 Okay, well I want to thank you for sharing your experience 01:25 with us here "On the Road to Romance." 01:27 We're going to be tracking your progress and we have 01:30 tests for you to take. 01:32 We have some exciting programs and techniques 01:37 that we want to share with you and as we go along, 01:41 we'll ask you to give us some feedback as to how your 01:45 relationship is progressing. 01:47 Is that okay? Okay great, yes! Fine. Okay 01:50 So tell me a little bit about yourself Robert. 01:52 My name is Robert Vaughn, I'm an investment broker, 01:56 and I live in San Francisco. Okay 02:00 My name is Tangela and I work in the medical field, 02:02 in patient services and I also live in the San Francisco area. 02:06 All right, now I'm going to tell you all about XY Theory, 02:09 but before I do that, tell me a little bit about 02:12 your own personal experiences, I mean some of the 02:15 needs that you noticed that you have in a relationship; 02:18 maybe some of the issues that you had to deal with. 02:22 I initially have a need to communicate and get information. 02:27 I really want to know what's going on. Right 02:31 So that's kind of my challenge in relationships. 02:33 No communication is not really to my acceptance, I guess. 02:39 Yes, so you feel like most of the women that you've met 02:42 or dated there has been a communication gap. Exactly. 02:46 Where you are giving more and probably 02:48 are receiving less. Exactly, yeah. Okay 02:51 What about you, Tangela? 02:52 Communication is also a factor for me. 02:56 Also understanding... you know, it's important 03:00 to me that you understand, that we understand each other. 03:04 And I guess the biggest issue is that I've been more wanting 03:08 to communicate in the past issues and the other 03:11 opposite the issue with someone 03:14 not communicating with me as well. 03:16 Okay, so you have also had issues with folks not 03:18 communicating as well. Um hm 03:20 Okay, let me tell you a little bit about XY Theory... 03:24 And, as we go along, feel free to stop me at any time 03:27 because I know this is brand new to you guys. 03:30 You just met, so let me throw this statistic immediately. 03:34 Without actually looking at your personalities, 03:38 you guys would have had a 1 in - I would say, a 1 in 10 03:44 chance, a 1 in 10 chance of being perfectly matched 03:49 by personality. 03:51 Now, you know that there are a lot of websites out there, 03:54 dating websites and a lot of people go on them. 03:56 In fact, about 1 out of every 5 marriages 03:58 started on the internet. Okay, hmmm. 04:02 Okay, that's not how you guys started, right? No 04:06 All right, but you have a 1 in 10 chance. 04:09 If you just walked into a store or into a church 04:12 or into a building and you decided... Okay, I want to 04:14 see if I meet someone, you had a 1 in 10 chance 04:17 of finding someone that is perfectly matched with you 04:20 in such a way that you guys could actually 04:22 sustain a relationship and the reason why I know it's 1 in 10 04:25 is simple... You have a 9 in 10 chance, a 9 in 10 chance, 04:30 not just you - all new couples, folks that are dating, 04:35 the statistic is that they have a 9 in 10 chance 04:38 of not making it to the altar. Okay 04:40 So when we talk about the road to romance, 04:43 you can tell that for a lot of people, 04:44 it's a bumpy, rocky ride. Right 04:46 And so what we are doing here with XY Theory, 04:48 we're trying to find a way to make that ride a bit smoother. 04:52 We're trying to give you tools so that you could tell 04:55 before you get into the relationship; 04:56 before you get committed; 04:59 before you get attached and bonded. 05:02 We are trying to find a way to let you know 05:04 what you could expect, and then, of course, 05:06 we have no control over what you decide to do. 05:09 You might decide to tough it out and, "Okay, I know 05:12 Dr. Jacob said this was going to be rocky, 05:14 but I'm going to brave it and I'm going to do it anyway," 05:16 that is your choice... 05:18 Or you could decide, at the end of all of this, 05:21 "You know what, our results kind of showed that this is 05:25 going to be more work than it's really worth," 05:28 and I know Tangela wouldn't like to hear that, 05:31 Robert wouldn't like to hear that, but it happens. 05:34 Sometimes when we reveal personalities to folks, 05:38 they look at it and they think, "Oh, this is a lot of work, 05:40 this is not, I'm not... you know this is not 05:42 what I really signed up for." 05:44 So let me just tell you about XY Theory... 05:46 It took me about 5 years to research exactly what 05:49 would cause couples to stay together or to drift apart, 05:54 and my research wasn't singular, there were other scientists, 06:00 other researchers out there coming up with the same thing... 06:02 And what we found is the two pillars... 06:05 communication and intimacy. 06:07 Those were the two things that mattered most to couples. 06:10 So no matter what couples argued about, 06:12 the foundation, the root of that argument tended to be 06:16 communication and intimacy. 06:19 But here is where things are different with XY Theory. 06:22 Now this is nothing new, there are a lot of therapists 06:23 and psychoanalysts out there that can tell you that. 06:25 I mean, you probably thought to yourself, "If I have a 06:27 relationship, I would want the communication." 06:29 I think you know if you don't have good intimacy, 06:31 then what do you have? 06:32 But all of the other theories out there, 06:35 what they are saying is, it's your communication style, 06:38 but when I did the research and took 5 years to do that, 06:40 I found that it's not style at all - it's amount. 06:44 It's how much you communicate. 06:48 So if you can put communication on a scale and let's say 06:50 you can communicate not at all, zero, 06:53 and let's say she would communicate as much as possible, 06:57 every day, everything, it would be about 100%, right? 07:01 So 0% to 100%, so basically you have people 07:04 on this continuum - some people have 10, some might have 50, 07:08 some had 75, but the point is this... 07:10 You have to be as close in your need for communication 07:13 as possible so that you don't feel a difference. 07:17 And this is what our program today is all about, 07:19 it's about differences. 07:21 Differences attract - they actually cause people to 07:25 be attracted to each other. 07:26 You know, you've heard opposites attract... 07:28 What's really attracting you is the difference, the novelty. 07:32 "Oh, she's different from the other girls I dated before" 07:35 or "He's different, he's more handsome or he's taller, 07:38 or he's richer," or whatever, there's a difference. 07:41 But it doesn't stop there, what we're finding is 07:44 you actually have something else that is driving you 07:49 to each other - hormones, your genes, like as in DNA, 07:54 genes - they are finding that genes play a role now in 07:56 who you choose and so basically 08:00 you have a lot to look for and a lot to look at. 08:03 But here's the thing... I'm trying to make it easier. 08:07 So I've created a test that you could take and what the test 08:10 does - it will tell you exactly what your personality is, 08:14 and what your need for communication is. 08:15 Remember I said for you guys to be perfectly matched, 08:18 you have to be on the same level. 08:20 So if she needs 50% intimacy, then you have to be a guy that's 08:24 wanting to give that much. 08:27 How do you quantify that? 08:28 Well that's a good question. 08:31 You could do it in two ways... 08:32 The way you guys will be doing it in a few minutes 08:37 is - you will take the test and it will actually tell you 08:39 what level you're on in terms of your level of need. 08:42 There are seven levels for the communication piece, 08:45 and there are seven levels for the intimacy. 08:48 So if you, let's say you're low, you have a low need 08:52 for communication, it will say "low need." 08:54 If you have an extremely high need for intimacy, 08:56 it will say "extremely high," and that will give us an idea 09:00 of where you are on that scale. 09:02 Now that's just one way. 09:03 Another way to qualify it is numbers... 09:07 We have a version of the test that goes from 0 to 100 09:10 which we reserve more for when we're doing like coaching 09:15 when we need to be really precise 09:17 about the level that you're at. 09:19 Right now, you guys just need a ballpark, just a you know, 09:21 a general idea, but the levels give you a pretty much, 09:24 you know, a good idea I think to let you guys know, 09:27 "Well, are we compatible? Should we stay together 09:30 or should we start talking about - Hey what do we do next?" 09:34 So that's how you quantify it. 09:36 Now you guys, having just met, you are in a very 09:40 unique position, very unique. 09:43 Now, there are a lot of hormones that are involved with dating 09:46 a lot of people don't know about. Yes 09:48 And these hormones actually set it up so that right now 09:52 this is the infatuation stage that you guys are in. 09:55 You don't see the other person's faults. Um hm 09:59 So, you know, one of the reasons why you guys 10:02 are all smiles right now, it really is - it really is 10:05 because of hormones that are causing you to 10:08 feel a bit of euphoria. 10:10 Interestingly enough, it's the same hormones that are 10:13 secreted in the body for those people who take over-the-counter 10:18 medication or even people who are on drugs. 10:20 It's the same part of your brain and the same hormones. 10:24 So it really is a euphoria that you're experiencing. 10:28 There are also hormones that will cause the two of you to 10:30 fell like - "Well he's perfect, there's nothing wrong with him." 10:35 Now you've heard the saying, "Love is blind," haven't you? 10:37 Right, right. Okay, well, you know, I got that 10:39 from my grandmother and what did grandmother know 10:42 about neuroscience, but as it turns out, 10:43 she was right - love really is blind because there's a 10:46 hormone also secreted at the stage that you're at right now 10:49 that blinds you to the person's faults. 10:52 Unfortunately, these hormones don't stick around forever, 10:55 and when they go away, your eyes are wide open 11:00 to Robert's faults. 11:02 So you guys look very anxious, you look like you 11:06 really want to find out your test results. 11:09 You want to find out if you're compatible, 11:10 if you are a good match. Right 11:12 Yes? Yes 11:14 Okay, so go take the test and we'll have the results for you 11:18 on the next program. 11:26 Don and Elaine are back to discuss their test results. 11:30 Welcome back Don and Elaine. Thank you! 11:33 Let's recap yesterday's goals... 11:36 Remember you had set certain goals for yourself, 11:39 and prior to this, Don, you had not seen Elaine's goals, 11:43 and, Elaine, you had not seen Don's goals. Correct 11:45 So let's just review those goals. 11:46 Let's take a look at the monitor. 11:49 So Don, goal #1, you said you wanted to improve 11:55 the communication between you and Elaine. Yes 11:57 #2- An orderly home and a yard ready for sale. 12:02 You guys are planning, as you had mentioned, to move. Yes 12:06 And #3- An understanding partner who sees both sides. 12:12 And we go to the next... #4- Respect from your partner 12:17 having verbal exchanges without anger. 12:20 #5- More tolerance from your partner. 12:23 #6- Fewer demands, more time to do what you would like. 12:28 So that about summarizes some of your concerns. Yes 12:33 Okay, and now let's look at Elaine's goals. 12:39 Elaine - Improving the communication 12:41 between the two of you. 12:42 I pointed out yesterday that you have that concern in common. 12:45 #2- An organized house and a yard. 12:48 You also have that in common. 12:49 #3- A more nurturing partner. 12:52 Usually, Elaine, when someone says that, they see themselves 12:57 as the nurturer and would like the same from their partner. 13:01 #4- Respect from your partner. 13:03 You guys also have that in common. 13:05 #5- Equality in the partnership and marriage. 13:09 #6- Compliments and appreciation. 13:12 As far as the equality goes, you can see why you wouldn't 13:14 have that in common. 13:15 If someone is asking if the equality means that the other 13:17 person is seen as having the upper hand, 13:21 so that would be one that you have by yourself, Elaine. 13:24 And then finally, of course, the compliments and appreciation. 13:27 So those about summarize your goals Elaine? Yes 13:31 Okay, so what we'll do now, we'll take a look 13:34 at your test results and see if your test results 13:37 could have predicted any of these problems. Okay? 13:41 Test results: XYMATCHQUEST - that's the 13:45 website that you guys went to to actually do the test, 13:48 XYMATCHQUEST.COM And, Don, let's start with you. Okay 13:53 So according to your results, you are a YY. 13:58 That really means, in XY Theory, that you have a low need, 14:04 as you see it says there. Y- low. 14:06 You have a low need for communication. 14:08 Now the first letter in your profile is always 14:12 about communication, so whatever that letter is, 14:14 it tells you whether you're high or low. 14:16 So X would be high, Y would be low. 14:20 So Don, on the scale of 1 thru 7, Y is about 14:27 the 5th or 6th level down. 14:29 So as far as communication goes, it's pretty low. 14:32 What that really means, Don, is when you partner with 14:35 someone, you partner in a way where that person could 14:39 feel not like they necessarily have a companion, 14:42 but just company - you don't need much conversation, 14:48 and as a result, you don't necessarily give 14:51 as much conversation and it doesn't mean that this is an 14:55 indictment - it doesn't mean that this is a display of 14:59 your affection one way or the other. 15:02 It says nothing about whether or not you love Elaine, 15:04 it just says "This is my personality, this is who I am, 15:07 this is who I'm comfortable being." 15:09 And so that's Y-low and the other Y-borderline, 15:13 so borderline is what it means. 15:15 It means that you're somewhere in the middle 15:16 when it comes to intimacy, okay? Yes 15:20 So Don, does that about sum you up correctly? 15:27 Yes, for communication Y. 15:29 And for intimacy because it is saying for intimacy 15:32 that you're not extremely high, you're somewhere in the middle. 15:35 So you need some, you want some, but you're not 15:40 going to give too much. 15:42 You're not going to be needing too much to be too 15:46 closely bonded or attached. 15:47 You would probably benefit more from some solitude, 15:51 some alone time. 15:52 Every single Y that had that profile that you have 15:55 has wanted some space and it didn't mean that 15:58 they didn't love their partner, it just meant 15:59 "I need some me-time, I need some alone time." Yes 16:02 Okay, is that about right? 16:05 Elaine, you're an XX and I'm guessing that, 16:08 from what I've said already, this is no surprise to you. No 16:10 Okay, so X which is moderately high, according to the monitor. 16:16 Let's look at the monitor... The first X says that you 16:19 are just about one level from the highest level 16:23 in terms of communication. 16:25 You would need a partner that communicates a lot. Yes 16:30 A partner that is able to ask you about your feelings, 16:34 ask you how your day was, stay in touch during the day, 16:39 and especially keep you informed, you know, 16:43 when there are decisions to be made, rather than 16:46 doing something that you haven't even heard about, 16:49 you know, something like that. 16:50 So, moderately high really means that you have, 16:53 a high need for someone to stay in communication with you. 16:56 And then X-moderate. Remember the second letter 17:01 tells us about what? Intimacy. Intimacy - exactly. 17:04 So you have a moderate need for intimacy, not too high, 17:07 you could use a little distance sometimes. 17:11 It means that you probably could take off and a trip without Don. 17:13 He doesn't always have to accompany you. 17:15 But you do have a high need for intimacy and it means that 17:21 you probably want Don to stay in touch or you to stay in touch 17:25 with him even when you're apart. 17:26 You know, is that correct? Yes 17:28 Okay, now let me explain how this factors 17:31 in to what you guys were talking about. 17:33 Remember, we just looked at your goals. 17:35 Remember the first goal that you had? 17:37 Communication. Communication - according to 17:40 this, Don's communication is very low, 17:42 your communication is moderately high and that 17:46 right away says that communication 17:48 is going to be an issue for you guys. 17:50 Now, you've been married for how long? 42 years 17:54 Forty two years, so this means that you guys have probably 17:57 struggled for most of those years with communication. Yes 18:00 Okay, so how does this work? 18:03 All of the research says that individuals, when they 18:07 try to change each other, the marital satisfaction dips, 18:11 it goes down. 18:12 So basically what this means is that you have to find 18:14 a way to change yourself, Elaine, 18:18 and Don has to find a way to change himself in such a way 18:21 so that you guys come closer to what you both need. 18:25 From the time you decide to try to change him, 18:28 even communicatively to get your needs met, 18:30 or he decides to change you, we have a problem. 18:34 Does that make sense? Yes. Right. 18:37 So Don, communicatively, give me an idea of what you've tried 18:46 to do to meet Elaine's communicative needs. 18:50 Try to simply talk more, ask questions with Elaine. 18:59 So you've tried to ask questions and Elaine, what about you? 19:02 Now I know you're thinking that the right answer would be 19:06 "Well, get Don to talk more," but what have you done 19:10 so that the communication problem is not as severe 19:14 as it is - I mean have you done anything on your own? 19:17 Is there anything that you... I have tried in the 19:20 last few weeks to mention what I need one time and then 19:27 not to say it anymore. 19:30 Have tried to let him have some space time when he needs 19:35 to be alone without me talking to him. 19:40 I have tried to be at other places talking with other people 19:48 when I need to talk. Okay 19:51 And were those part of your challenges? Yes 19:55 Okay, just for review now, ...let me explain 19:58 that what I gave you guys to do were challenges. 20:02 you were challenged to change yourself. 20:05 as opposed to changing your partner. 20:07 Now, the common problem is communication, 20:10 but to change communication, 20:11 you have to make some adjustments... 20:14 And the way we do it is there is a process 20:15 I call "convergence" which simply means 20:18 you guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum. 20:21 Don wants very little, you want a lot and Don has 20:27 to step it up, come somewhere closer to the middle by 20:32 increasing his communication while you actually have 20:36 to do something that would be difficult for you which is 20:38 decreasing yours, but by decreasing your 20:41 communication, it means that you actually are coming closer 20:44 to where Don is because, remember, 20:45 Don's side of the equation is close to zero. 20:48 Your side is close to 100, so when you decrease your 20:50 communication, you find that Don is here, you are here, 20:54 and you all are much closer, communicatively, 20:56 than you would have been before. 20:58 Now it's a much better approach to do that than to criticize 21:02 each other for not providing each other's 21:05 communicative needs. 21:06 I want to thank you for coming on our program today, 21:09 and we'll see you next time. 21:18 I'd like to welcome Kerissa back to our program. 21:21 She is single and wants to make the right dating choice. 21:25 On our last program, Kerissa was sent to take the 21:28 XY Personality Test and today we have the results. 21:32 Welcome back Kerissa. Thank you for having me back. 21:35 So are you excited? Yes, I am! 21:38 You get to find out exactly what your personality type is 21:41 so you could find your perfect match. Okay 21:44 Ready? Yes! Let's turn to the monitor. 21:47 Okay, X - moderately high, so let me just 21:54 recap a little to explain what this means. 21:57 Remember we have 2 parts to our personality. 22:01 We have the communication piece, 22:04 and then we have the intimacy piece. 22:06 To be perfectly matched with a guy, 22:08 you need to be matched on both of those dimensions, 22:12 and you have to be matched at the same level. 22:15 Now there are a lot of people who go out and they think, 22:17 "Okay, I like to communicate, I'm just going to find a guy 22:19 that likes to communicate." 22:20 And then they get together and they discover 22:22 "Wow, we're still having major problems." 22:25 Well, the problem is this, if you lack a lot of it, 22:27 and the guy likes a little of it, it begins to irritate. 22:32 It begins to cause some problems. 22:34 Actually, you'll learn later on that it actually causes some 22:36 hormonal imbalances that actually causes contention 22:41 and arguments. 22:43 So communication is really important. 22:45 Then there's the intimacy piece. 22:46 Everyone knows that intimacy is important. 22:48 Everyone wants someone that is a little bit intimate, 22:50 but the problem is... some folks need more space, 22:54 and some folks need more closeness. 22:57 If you match someone that wants distance with someone 23:00 that wants to be close, what do you suppose will happen? 23:03 You have problems. Hm um 23:05 So now you are XX which means that on the scale, 23:08 you are moderately high in both areas. 23:11 Above you, there is only one level, 23:13 so you have some really high needs in communication 23:16 and intimacy and that's not really bad. Okay 23:18 The problem is, of course, I have to tell you, 23:20 there are only about 25% of all the guys out there 23:25 with an XX profile. 23:26 X men, they're really, really hard to find. 23:30 So, this is the point of you coming on this program. 23:33 We are going to help you find a way 23:36 to get to your perfect match. 23:38 Does that sound all right? That sounds fine. 23:40 Now give me a little background, give me a little history. 23:41 I understand that you've been trying to get into a dating 23:45 scene with someone that's suitable for you for a while, 23:49 several years... can you tell me a little bit about that? 23:51 When I was about 15-16, guys were very much 23:55 interested in me and I was interested in them, 23:57 but I started playing games with them and I tried to come 24:01 off as I wasn't as interested in them which other people 24:06 have told me, in the past, that I should play a game 24:09 with guys or make them work hard in order to get me 24:14 so that I could see how much they actually wanted me. Yes 24:18 It's interesting that you should mention that when you 24:21 were 15 or 16 and I'm saying that because X type 24:24 girls start the whole dating process much sooner than 24:29 Y type girls. 24:30 They are also more serious. 24:32 I don't know if you know this, but boys don't really have the 24:36 mental capacity to be serious until they are about 24-25. 24:40 Their brains are not fully developed to allow them to make 24:43 serious choices - they are more impulsive. 24:46 So, your first disadvantage is starting off as early as you did 24:50 and then expecting that the guys would also be mature 24:52 enough to take your relationship seriously. 24:55 You are an X type and as you continue to come on the program, 24:59 we will show you how X type girls date very, very 25:04 differently and date in ways that are not conducive 25:08 to finding a serious mate. 25:10 So this is all part of what we have planned for you as 25:13 you come to see us, you know, come to visit with us, 25:16 and I promise you, this is going to get easier, 25:19 this is going to get better, you are going to find someone! 25:29 So what does the Bible have to say about today's topic? 25:32 Today, we've been covering differences. 25:35 We had a couple on our set and we had a single, 25:39 and they were both concerned about differences. 25:44 If you find difficulty in your marriage or in your relationship 25:48 rising, most likely you have discovered ways in which 25:53 you are different from your partner, but you're not alone. 25:56 We know the Bible story, we know the story of 25:59 Adam and Eve - we know that Adam one day woke up 26:03 and found that his wife was very different. 26:05 We know that Eve, herself, found that Adam was different. 26:09 However, this didn't start before the fall. 26:12 It started when Eve disobeyed God. 26:14 When she touched that fruit and found that everything 26:18 had changed - leaves began to fall, 26:20 animals began to run amuck, and they had lost 26:24 their home in Eden, but it didn't end there. 26:27 What God actually said to her was, "Your desire 26:31 shall be toward the man." 26:32 Today, 20% of singles will never marry. 26:38 In our own church, the ratio of women to men 26:41 is 6:1 and all of that can be traced right back 26:45 to Eve making that fateful decision on that fateful day, 26:50 but it didn't really end there. 26:52 Eve was assigned to the home and motherhood, 26:55 where communication and intimacy in raising children 26:58 became important. 27:00 Adam was sent outside to tend the fields in solitude 27:05 and silence. 27:06 They spend 900+ years doing just that, shaping their 27:11 personalities and giving rise to the differences 27:14 that we have today. 27:15 Thanks for joining us today on "Road to Romance" 27:18 Join us next time when we'll take a look at how 27:21 communication helps us to bond. 27:23 We'll also find out how compatible 27:25 Robert and Tangela are. 27:27 Will the personality test show that they're different 27:30 or will Robert be Tangela's perfect match, 27:33 and will they continue on their road to romance 27:36 or take a detour? 27:38 Tune in next time and find out. |
Revised 2017-02-09