Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob.
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Today we have some
exciting news for you.
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We're going to share the XY
Personality Test results for
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couple Don and Elaine,
and for a single, Kerissa.
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But before we do that,
let's meet our new couple,
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Robert and Tangela.
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Tangela, Robert -
Welcome. Thank you
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Thank you for being on
our show. You're welcome
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We have some exciting
news that we'll share with you.
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We have a new theory
that we will also share,
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but I want to ask you guys,
how did you guys first meet?
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We met at an event in San Diego.
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We kind of spent some
time talking to each other,
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and exchanged numbers and
we kind of had a long distance
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phone relationship, you
know, for a little while.
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And then eventually, she
moved to northern California,
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and that's when
we kind of continued.
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All right, so this is fairly
new though. Very new, yeah.
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Okay, well I want to thank
you for sharing your experience
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with us here "On
the Road to Romance."
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We're going to be tracking
your progress and we have
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tests for you to take.
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We have some exciting
programs and techniques
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that we want to share
with you and as we go along,
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we'll ask you to give us
some feedback as to how your
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relationship is progressing.
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Is that okay? Okay
great, yes! Fine. Okay
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So tell me a little
bit about yourself Robert.
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My name is Robert Vaughn,
I'm an investment broker,
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and I live in
San Francisco. Okay
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My name is Tangela and I
work in the medical field,
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in patient services and I also
live in the San Francisco area.
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All right, now I'm going to
tell you all about XY Theory,
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but before I do that,
tell me a little bit about
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your own personal
experiences, I mean some of the
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needs that you noticed
that you have in a relationship;
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maybe some of the issues
that you had to deal with.
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I initially have a need to
communicate and get information.
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I really want to know
what's going on. Right
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So that's kind of my
challenge in relationships.
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No communication is not really
to my acceptance, I guess.
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Yes, so you feel like most
of the women that you've met
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or dated there has been a
communication gap. Exactly.
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Where you are
giving more and probably
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are receiving
less. Exactly, yeah. Okay
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What about you, Tangela?
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Communication is
also a factor for me.
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Also understanding...
you know, it's important
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to me that you understand,
that we understand each other.
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And I guess the biggest issue
is that I've been more wanting
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to communicate in the
past issues and the other
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opposite the issue with someone
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not
communicating with me as well.
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Okay, so you have also
had issues with folks not
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communicating as well. Um hm
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Okay, let me tell you a
little bit about XY Theory...
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And, as we go along, feel
free to stop me at any time
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because I know this
is brand new to you guys.
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You just met, so let me throw
this statistic immediately.
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Without actually
looking at your personalities,
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you guys would have had a
1 in - I would say, a 1 in 10
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chance, a 1 in 10 chance
of being perfectly matched
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by personality.
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Now, you know that there
are a lot of websites out there,
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dating websites and a
lot of people go on them.
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In fact, about 1
out of every 5 marriages
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started on the
internet. Okay, hmmm.
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Okay, that's not how
you guys started, right? No
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All right, but you
have a 1 in 10 chance.
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If you just walked into
a store or into a church
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or into a building and
you decided... Okay, I want to
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see if I meet someone,
you had a 1 in 10 chance
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of finding someone that
is perfectly matched with you
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in such a way that
you guys could actually
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sustain a relationship and the
reason why I know it's 1 in 10
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is simple... You have a 9
in 10 chance, a 9 in 10 chance,
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not just you - all new
couples, folks that are dating,
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the statistic is that
they have a 9 in 10 chance
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of not making it
to the altar. Okay
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So when we talk
about the road to romance,
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you can tell that
for a lot of people,
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it's a bumpy, rocky ride. Right
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And so what we are
doing here with XY Theory,
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we're trying to find a way to
make that ride a bit smoother.
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We're trying to give you
tools so that you could tell
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before you get
into the relationship;
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before you get committed;
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before you get
attached and bonded.
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We are trying to
find a way to let you know
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what you could
expect, and then, of course,
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we have no control
over what you decide to do.
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You might decide to
tough it out and, "Okay, I know
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Dr. Jacob said this
was going to be rocky,
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but I'm going to brave it
and I'm going to do it anyway,"
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that is your choice...
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Or you could decide,
at the end of all of this,
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"You know what, our results
kind of showed that this is
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going to be more work
than it's really worth,"
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and I know Tangela
wouldn't like to hear that,
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Robert wouldn't like to
hear that, but it happens.
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Sometimes when we
reveal personalities to folks,
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they look at it and they think,
"Oh, this is a lot of work,
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this is not, I'm
not... you know this is not
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what I really signed up for."
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So let me just tell
you about XY Theory...
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It took me about 5
years to research exactly what
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would cause couples to
stay together or to drift apart,
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and my research wasn't singular,
there were other scientists,
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other researchers out there
coming up with the same thing...
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And what we found
is the two pillars...
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communication and intimacy.
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Those were the two things
that mattered most to couples.
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So no matter what
couples argued about,
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the foundation, the root
of that argument tended to be
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communication and intimacy.
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But here is where things
are different with XY Theory.
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Now this is nothing new,
there are a lot of therapists
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and psychoanalysts out
there that can tell you that.
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I mean, you probably thought
to yourself, "If I have a
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relationship, I would
want the communication."
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I think you know if you
don't have good intimacy,
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then what do you have?
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But all of the
other theories out there,
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what they are saying is,
it's your communication style,
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but when I did the research
and took 5 years to do that,
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I found that it's not
style at all - it's amount.
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It's how much you communicate.
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So if you can put communication
on a scale and let's say
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you can
communicate not at all, zero,
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and let's say she would
communicate as much as possible,
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every day, everything, it
would be about 100%, right?
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So 0% to 100%, so
basically you have people
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on this continuum - some people
have 10, some might have 50,
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some had 75, but
the point is this...
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You have to be as close in
your need for communication
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as possible so that you
don't feel a difference.
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And this is what our
program today is all about,
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it's about differences.
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Differences attract -
they actually cause people to
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be attracted to each other.
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You know, you've
heard opposites attract...
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What's really attracting you
is the difference, the novelty.
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"Oh, she's different from
the other girls I dated before"
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or "He's different, he's
more handsome or he's taller,
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or he's richer," or
whatever, there's a difference.
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But it doesn't stop
there, what we're finding is
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you actually have something
else that is driving you
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to each other - hormones,
your genes, like as in DNA,
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genes - they are finding
that genes play a role now in
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who you choose and so basically
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you have a lot to look
for and a lot to look at.
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But here's the thing...
I'm trying to make it easier.
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So I've created a test that
you could take and what the test
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does - it will tell you exactly
what your personality is,
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and what your need
for communication is.
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Remember I said for you
guys to be perfectly matched,
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you have to be
on the same level.
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So if she needs 50% intimacy,
then you have to be a guy that's
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wanting to give that much.
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How do you quantify that?
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Well that's a good question.
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You could do it in two ways...
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The way you guys will be
doing it in a few minutes
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is - you will take the test
and it will actually tell you
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what level you're on in
terms of your level of need.
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There are seven levels
for the communication piece,
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and there are seven
levels for the intimacy.
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So if you, let's say
you're low, you have a low need
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for communication,
it will say "low need."
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If you have an extremely
high need for intimacy,
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it will say "extremely high,"
and that will give us an idea
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of where you are on that scale.
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Now that's just one way.
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Another way to
qualify it is numbers...
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We have a version of the
test that goes from 0 to 100
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which we reserve more for
when we're doing like coaching
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when we need to
be really precise
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about the level that you're at.
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Right now, you guys just need
a ballpark, just a you know,
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a general idea, but the
levels give you a pretty much,
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you know, a good idea I
think to let you guys know,
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"Well, are we compatible?
Should we stay together
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or should we start talking
about - Hey what do we do next?"
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So that's how you quantify it.
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Now you guys, having
just met, you are in a very
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unique position, very unique.
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Now, there are a lot of hormones
that are involved with dating
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a lot of people
don't know about. Yes
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And these hormones actually
set it up so that right now
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this is the infatuation
stage that you guys are in.
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You don't see the
other person's faults. Um hm
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So, you know, one of
the reasons why you guys
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are all smiles right now,
it really is - it really is
00:10:02.03\00:10:05.03
because of hormones
that are causing you to
00:10:05.07\00:10:08.37
feel a bit of euphoria.
00:10:08.40\00:10:10.67
Interestingly enough,
it's the same hormones that are
00:10:10.71\00:10:13.34
secreted in the body for those
people who take over-the-counter
00:10:13.38\00:10:18.15
medication or even
people who are on drugs.
00:10:18.18\00:10:20.92
It's the same part of your
brain and the same hormones.
00:10:20.95\00:10:24.75
So it really is a euphoria
that you're experiencing.
00:10:24.79\00:10:28.32
There are also hormones that
will cause the two of you to
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fell like - "Well he's perfect,
there's nothing wrong with him."
00:10:30.86\00:10:35.03
Now you've heard the saying,
"Love is blind," haven't you?
00:10:35.06\00:10:37.27
Right, right. Okay,
well, you know, I got that
00:10:37.30\00:10:39.63
from my grandmother and
what did grandmother know
00:10:39.67\00:10:42.00
about neuroscience,
but as it turns out,
00:10:42.04\00:10:43.87
she was right - love really
is blind because there's a
00:10:43.91\00:10:46.84
hormone also secreted at the
stage that you're at right now
00:10:46.88\00:10:49.48
that blinds you to
the person's faults.
00:10:49.51\00:10:52.25
Unfortunately, these hormones
don't stick around forever,
00:10:52.28\00:10:55.78
and when they go away,
your eyes are wide open
00:10:55.82\00:11:00.39
to Robert's faults.
00:11:00.42\00:11:02.39
So you guys look very
anxious, you look like you
00:11:02.42\00:11:06.16
really want to find
out your test results.
00:11:06.19\00:11:09.23
You want to find out
if you're compatible,
00:11:09.26\00:11:10.93
if you are a good match. Right
00:11:10.97\00:11:12.63
Yes? Yes
00:11:12.67\00:11:14.00
Okay, so go take the test and
we'll have the results for you
00:11:14.04\00:11:18.04
on the next program.
00:11:18.07\00:11:21.74
Don and Elaine are back to
discuss their test results.
00:11:26.92\00:11:30.52
Welcome back Don
and Elaine. Thank you!
00:11:30.55\00:11:33.19
Let's recap yesterday's goals...
00:11:33.22\00:11:36.66
Remember you had set
certain goals for yourself,
00:11:36.69\00:11:39.36
and prior to this, Don, you
had not seen Elaine's goals,
00:11:39.39\00:11:43.00
and, Elaine, you had not
seen Don's goals. Correct
00:11:43.03\00:11:45.43
So let's just
review those goals.
00:11:45.47\00:11:46.90
Let's take a
look at the monitor.
00:11:46.94\00:11:49.40
So Don, goal #1, you
said you wanted to improve
00:11:49.44\00:11:55.44
the communication
between you and Elaine. Yes
00:11:55.48\00:11:57.75
#2- An orderly home
and a yard ready for sale.
00:11:57.78\00:12:02.28
You guys are planning, as
you had mentioned, to move. Yes
00:12:02.32\00:12:06.96
And #3- An understanding
partner who sees both sides.
00:12:06.99\00:12:12.56
And we go to the next...
#4- Respect from your partner
00:12:12.59\00:12:17.37
having verbal
exchanges without anger.
00:12:17.40\00:12:20.57
#5- More
tolerance from your partner.
00:12:20.60\00:12:23.04
#6- Fewer demands, more
time to do what you would like.
00:12:23.07\00:12:28.84
So that about summarizes
some of your concerns. Yes
00:12:28.88\00:12:33.01
Okay, and now let's
look at Elaine's goals.
00:12:33.05\00:12:36.58
Elaine -
Improving the communication
00:12:39.25\00:12:41.06
between the two of you.
00:12:41.09\00:12:42.42
I pointed out yesterday that
you have that concern in common.
00:12:42.46\00:12:44.56
#2- An organized
house and a yard.
00:12:45.49\00:12:48.43
You also have that in common.
00:12:48.46\00:12:49.80
#3- A more nurturing partner.
00:12:49.83\00:12:52.83
Usually, Elaine, when someone
says that, they see themselves
00:12:52.87\00:12:57.01
as the nurturer and would like
the same from their partner.
00:12:57.04\00:13:01.44
#4- Respect from your partner.
00:13:01.48\00:13:03.65
You guys also
have that in common.
00:13:03.68\00:13:05.25
#5- Equality in the
partnership and marriage.
00:13:05.28\00:13:09.75
#6- Compliments
and appreciation.
00:13:09.78\00:13:12.12
As far as the equality goes,
you can see why you wouldn't
00:13:12.15\00:13:14.52
have that in common.
00:13:14.56\00:13:15.89
If someone is asking if the
equality means that the other
00:13:15.92\00:13:17.89
person is seen as
having the upper hand,
00:13:17.93\00:13:21.46
so that would be one that
you have by yourself, Elaine.
00:13:21.50\00:13:24.43
And then finally, of course, the
compliments and appreciation.
00:13:24.47\00:13:27.54
So those about
summarize your goals Elaine? Yes
00:13:27.57\00:13:31.84
Okay, so what we'll
do now, we'll take a look
00:13:31.87\00:13:34.34
at your test results
and see if your test results
00:13:34.38\00:13:37.31
could have predicted
any of these problems. Okay?
00:13:37.35\00:13:41.38
Test results:
XYMATCHQUEST - that's the
00:13:41.42\00:13:45.79
website that you guys went
to to actually do the test,
00:13:45.82\00:13:48.92
XYMATCHQUEST.COM And,
Don, let's start with you. Okay
00:13:48.96\00:13:53.83
So according to your
results, you are a YY.
00:13:53.86\00:13:58.20
That really means, in XY Theory,
that you have a low need,
00:13:58.23\00:14:04.04
as you see it
says there. Y- low.
00:14:04.07\00:14:06.31
You have a low
need for communication.
00:14:06.34\00:14:08.41
Now the first letter
in your profile is always
00:14:08.44\00:14:12.25
about communication, so
whatever that letter is,
00:14:12.28\00:14:14.68
it tells you
whether you're high or low.
00:14:14.72\00:14:16.32
So X would be
high, Y would be low.
00:14:16.35\00:14:20.12
So Don, on the scale
of 1 thru 7, Y is about
00:14:20.16\00:14:27.50
the 5th or 6th level down.
00:14:27.53\00:14:29.30
So as far as communication
goes, it's pretty low.
00:14:29.33\00:14:32.83
What that really means,
Don, is when you partner with
00:14:32.87\00:14:35.74
someone, you partner in a
way where that person could
00:14:35.77\00:14:39.11
feel not like they
necessarily have a companion,
00:14:39.14\00:14:42.94
but just company - you
don't need much conversation,
00:14:42.98\00:14:48.48
and as a result, you
don't necessarily give
00:14:48.52\00:14:51.89
as much conversation and it
doesn't mean that this is an
00:14:51.92\00:14:55.39
indictment - it doesn't
mean that this is a display of
00:14:55.42\00:14:59.76
your affection
one way or the other.
00:14:59.79\00:15:02.20
It says nothing about
whether or not you love Elaine,
00:15:02.23\00:15:04.73
it just says "This is my
personality, this is who I am,
00:15:04.77\00:15:07.14
this is who I'm
comfortable being."
00:15:07.17\00:15:09.24
And so that's Y-low
and the other Y-borderline,
00:15:09.27\00:15:13.24
so borderline is what it means.
00:15:13.27\00:15:15.18
It means that you're
somewhere in the middle
00:15:15.21\00:15:16.78
when it comes to
intimacy, okay? Yes
00:15:16.81\00:15:19.81
So Don, does that
about sum you up correctly?
00:15:20.82\00:15:27.12
Yes, for communication Y.
00:15:27.16\00:15:29.72
And for intimacy because
it is saying for intimacy
00:15:29.76\00:15:32.26
that you're not extremely high,
you're somewhere in the middle.
00:15:32.29\00:15:35.86
So you need some, you
want some, but you're not
00:15:35.90\00:15:40.44
going to give too much.
00:15:40.47\00:15:42.50
You're not going to be
needing too much to be too
00:15:42.54\00:15:46.27
closely bonded or attached.
00:15:46.31\00:15:47.78
You would probably
benefit more from some solitude,
00:15:47.81\00:15:51.11
some alone time.
00:15:51.15\00:15:52.48
Every single Y that had
that profile that you have
00:15:52.51\00:15:55.62
has wanted some space
and it didn't mean that
00:15:55.65\00:15:58.09
they didn't love
their partner, it just meant
00:15:58.12\00:15:59.75
"I need some me-time, I
need some alone time." Yes
00:15:59.79\00:16:02.96
Okay, is that about right?
00:16:02.99\00:16:05.23
Elaine, you're an XX
and I'm guessing that,
00:16:05.26\00:16:08.20
from what I've said already,
this is no surprise to you. No
00:16:08.23\00:16:10.90
Okay, so X which is moderately
high, according to the monitor.
00:16:10.93\00:16:16.17
Let's look at the monitor...
The first X says that you
00:16:16.20\00:16:19.14
are just about one
level from the highest level
00:16:19.17\00:16:23.35
in terms of communication.
00:16:23.38\00:16:25.51
You would need a partner
that communicates a lot. Yes
00:16:25.55\00:16:30.89
A partner that is able to
ask you about your feelings,
00:16:30.92\00:16:34.79
ask you how your day was,
stay in touch during the day,
00:16:34.82\00:16:39.29
and especially keep
you informed, you know,
00:16:39.33\00:16:43.50
when there are decisions
to be made, rather than
00:16:43.53\00:16:46.57
doing something that you
haven't even heard about,
00:16:46.60\00:16:49.34
you know, something like that.
00:16:49.37\00:16:50.71
So, moderately high
really means that you have,
00:16:50.74\00:16:53.48
a high need for someone to
stay in communication with you.
00:16:53.51\00:16:56.91
And then X-moderate.
Remember the second letter
00:16:56.95\00:17:01.08
tells us about what?
Intimacy. Intimacy - exactly.
00:17:01.12\00:17:04.45
So you have a moderate
need for intimacy, not too high,
00:17:04.49\00:17:07.62
you could use a
little distance sometimes.
00:17:07.66\00:17:11.16
It means that you probably could
take off and a trip without Don.
00:17:11.19\00:17:13.93
He doesn't always
have to accompany you.
00:17:13.96\00:17:15.86
But you do have a high need
for intimacy and it means that
00:17:15.90\00:17:21.80
you probably want Don to stay
in touch or you to stay in touch
00:17:21.84\00:17:24.97
with him even when you're apart.
00:17:25.01\00:17:26.51
You know, is that correct? Yes
00:17:26.54\00:17:28.74
Okay, now let me
explain how this factors
00:17:28.78\00:17:31.05
in to what you
guys were talking about.
00:17:31.08\00:17:33.28
Remember, we just
looked at your goals.
00:17:33.31\00:17:35.62
Remember the
first goal that you had?
00:17:35.65\00:17:37.32
Communication.
Communication - according to
00:17:37.35\00:17:40.12
this, Don's
communication is very low,
00:17:40.16\00:17:42.96
your communication is
moderately high and that
00:17:42.99\00:17:46.13
right away says
that communication
00:17:46.16\00:17:48.16
is going to be an
issue for you guys.
00:17:48.20\00:17:50.57
Now, you've been
married for how long? 42 years
00:17:50.60\00:17:54.20
Forty two years, so this means
that you guys have probably
00:17:54.24\00:17:57.07
struggled for most of those
years with communication. Yes
00:17:57.11\00:18:00.74
Okay, so how does this work?
00:18:00.78\00:18:03.58
All of the research says
that individuals, when they
00:18:03.61\00:18:07.22
try to change each other,
the marital satisfaction dips,
00:18:07.25\00:18:10.99
it goes down.
00:18:11.02\00:18:12.35
So basically what this
means is that you have to find
00:18:12.39\00:18:14.59
a way to change
yourself, Elaine,
00:18:14.62\00:18:18.16
and Don has to find a way
to change himself in such a way
00:18:18.19\00:18:21.46
so that you guys come
closer to what you both need.
00:18:21.50\00:18:25.13
From the time you
decide to try to change him,
00:18:25.17\00:18:28.37
even communicatively
to get your needs met,
00:18:28.40\00:18:30.51
or he decides to
change you, we have a problem.
00:18:30.54\00:18:34.51
Does that make
sense? Yes. Right.
00:18:34.54\00:18:37.71
So Don, communicatively, give
me an idea of what you've tried
00:18:37.75\00:18:46.65
to do to meet
Elaine's communicative needs.
00:18:46.69\00:18:50.43
Try to simply talk more,
ask questions with Elaine.
00:18:50.46\00:18:59.13
So you've tried to ask questions
and Elaine, what about you?
00:18:59.17\00:19:02.54
Now I know you're thinking
that the right answer would be
00:19:02.57\00:19:06.88
"Well, get Don to talk
more," but what have you done
00:19:06.91\00:19:10.45
so that the communication
problem is not as severe
00:19:10.48\00:19:14.12
as it is - I mean have
you done anything on your own?
00:19:14.15\00:19:17.02
Is there anything that
you... I have tried in the
00:19:17.05\00:19:20.26
last few weeks to mention
what I need one time and then
00:19:20.29\00:19:27.43
not to say it anymore.
00:19:27.46\00:19:30.90
Have tried to let him have
some space time when he needs
00:19:30.93\00:19:35.24
to be alone
without me talking to him.
00:19:35.27\00:19:40.68
I have tried to be at other
places talking with other people
00:19:40.71\00:19:48.05
when I need to talk. Okay
00:19:48.08\00:19:51.65
And were those part
of your challenges? Yes
00:19:51.69\00:19:55.42
Okay, just for review
now, ...let me explain
00:19:55.46\00:19:58.53
that what I gave you
guys to do were challenges.
00:19:58.56\00:20:01.96
you were
challenged to change yourself.
00:20:02.00\00:20:05.83
as opposed to
changing your partner.
00:20:05.87\00:20:07.77
Now, the common
problem is communication,
00:20:07.80\00:20:10.41
but to change communication,
00:20:10.44\00:20:11.94
you have to make
some adjustments...
00:20:11.97\00:20:14.01
And the way we do it
is there is a process
00:20:14.04\00:20:15.94
I call
"convergence" which simply means
00:20:15.98\00:20:18.71
you guys are at
opposite ends of the spectrum.
00:20:18.75\00:20:21.95
Don wants very little,
you want a lot and Don has
00:20:21.98\00:20:27.86
to step it up, come somewhere
closer to the middle by
00:20:27.89\00:20:32.66
increasing his communication
while you actually have
00:20:32.69\00:20:36.16
to do something that would
be difficult for you which is
00:20:36.20\00:20:38.47
decreasing yours,
but by decreasing your
00:20:38.50\00:20:41.20
communication, it means that
you actually are coming closer
00:20:41.24\00:20:44.01
to where Don is
because, remember,
00:20:44.04\00:20:45.37
Don's side of the
equation is close to zero.
00:20:45.41\00:20:48.48
Your side is close to
100, so when you decrease your
00:20:48.51\00:20:50.81
communication, you find
that Don is here, you are here,
00:20:50.85\00:20:54.15
and you all are much
closer, communicatively,
00:20:54.18\00:20:56.72
than you would have been before.
00:20:56.75\00:20:58.15
Now it's a much better approach
to do that than to criticize
00:20:58.19\00:21:02.29
each other for not
providing each other's
00:21:02.32\00:21:05.29
communicative needs.
00:21:05.33\00:21:06.90
I want to thank you for
coming on our program today,
00:21:06.93\00:21:09.73
and we'll see you next time.
00:21:09.76\00:21:12.57
I'd like to welcome
Kerissa back to our program.
00:21:18.77\00:21:21.34
She is single and wants to
make the right dating choice.
00:21:21.38\00:21:25.21
On our last program,
Kerissa was sent to take the
00:21:25.25\00:21:28.28
XY Personality Test and
today we have the results.
00:21:28.32\00:21:32.39
Welcome back Kerissa.
Thank you for having me back.
00:21:32.42\00:21:35.62
So are you excited? Yes, I am!
00:21:35.66\00:21:38.26
You get to find out exactly
what your personality type is
00:21:38.29\00:21:41.93
so you could find
your perfect match. Okay
00:21:41.96\00:21:44.73
Ready? Yes! Let's
turn to the monitor.
00:21:44.77\00:21:47.57
Okay, X -
moderately high, so let me just
00:21:47.60\00:21:54.81
recap a little to
explain what this means.
00:21:54.84\00:21:57.48
Remember we have 2
parts to our personality.
00:21:57.51\00:22:01.28
We have the communication piece,
00:22:01.32\00:22:04.05
and then we have
the intimacy piece.
00:22:04.09\00:22:06.25
To be perfectly
matched with a guy,
00:22:06.29\00:22:08.79
you need to be matched
on both of those dimensions,
00:22:08.82\00:22:12.36
and you have to be
matched at the same level.
00:22:12.39\00:22:14.96
Now there are a lot of people
who go out and they think,
00:22:15.00\00:22:16.97
"Okay, I like to communicate,
I'm just going to find a guy
00:22:17.00\00:22:19.30
that likes to communicate."
00:22:19.33\00:22:20.67
And then they get
together and they discover
00:22:20.70\00:22:22.17
"Wow, we're still
having major problems."
00:22:22.20\00:22:25.07
Well, the problem is
this, if you lack a lot of it,
00:22:25.11\00:22:27.81
and the guy likes a little
of it, it begins to irritate.
00:22:27.84\00:22:32.28
It begins to
cause some problems.
00:22:32.31\00:22:34.02
Actually, you'll learn later
on that it actually causes some
00:22:34.05\00:22:36.69
hormonal imbalances that
actually causes contention
00:22:36.72\00:22:41.56
and arguments.
00:22:41.59\00:22:43.06
So communication
is really important.
00:22:43.09\00:22:45.09
Then there's the intimacy piece.
00:22:45.13\00:22:46.66
Everyone knows that
intimacy is important.
00:22:46.70\00:22:48.60
Everyone wants someone
that is a little bit intimate,
00:22:48.63\00:22:50.90
but the problem is...
some folks need more space,
00:22:50.93\00:22:54.50
and some folks
need more closeness.
00:22:54.54\00:22:57.21
If you match someone that
wants distance with someone
00:22:57.24\00:22:59.97
that wants to be close,
what do you suppose will happen?
00:23:00.01\00:23:03.45
You have problems. Hm um
00:23:03.48\00:23:05.31
So now you are XX which
means that on the scale,
00:23:05.35\00:23:08.48
you are moderately
high in both areas.
00:23:08.52\00:23:11.42
Above you, there
is only one level,
00:23:11.45\00:23:13.59
so you have some really
high needs in communication
00:23:13.62\00:23:16.02
and intimacy and
that's not really bad. Okay
00:23:16.06\00:23:18.59
The problem is, of
course, I have to tell you,
00:23:18.63\00:23:20.80
there are only about 25%
of all the guys out there
00:23:20.83\00:23:24.97
with an XX profile.
00:23:25.00\00:23:26.84
X men, they're
really, really hard to find.
00:23:26.87\00:23:30.41
So, this is the point of
you coming on this program.
00:23:30.44\00:23:33.68
We are going to
help you find a way
00:23:33.71\00:23:36.21
to get to your perfect match.
00:23:36.24\00:23:38.41
Does that sound all
right? That sounds fine.
00:23:38.45\00:23:40.05
Now give me a little background,
give me a little history.
00:23:40.08\00:23:41.92
I understand that you've
been trying to get into a dating
00:23:41.95\00:23:45.85
scene with someone that's
suitable for you for a while,
00:23:45.89\00:23:49.06
several years... can you
tell me a little bit about that?
00:23:49.09\00:23:51.69
When I was about
15-16, guys were very much
00:23:51.73\00:23:55.16
interested in me and I
was interested in them,
00:23:55.20\00:23:57.87
but I started playing games
with them and I tried to come
00:23:57.90\00:24:01.84
off as I wasn't as interested
in them which other people
00:24:01.87\00:24:06.21
have told me, in the
past, that I should play a game
00:24:06.24\00:24:09.14
with guys or make them
work hard in order to get me
00:24:09.18\00:24:14.35
so that I could see how much
they actually wanted me. Yes
00:24:14.38\00:24:18.19
It's interesting that you
should mention that when you
00:24:18.22\00:24:21.02
were 15 or 16 and I'm
saying that because X type
00:24:21.06\00:24:24.53
girls start the whole
dating process much sooner than
00:24:24.56\00:24:29.30
Y type girls.
00:24:29.33\00:24:30.67
They are also more serious.
00:24:30.70\00:24:32.23
I don't know if you know this,
but boys don't really have the
00:24:32.27\00:24:36.07
mental capacity to be serious
until they are about 24-25.
00:24:36.10\00:24:40.51
Their brains are not fully
developed to allow them to make
00:24:40.54\00:24:43.95
serious choices -
they are more impulsive.
00:24:43.98\00:24:46.21
So, your first disadvantage is
starting off as early as you did
00:24:46.25\00:24:50.42
and then expecting that
the guys would also be mature
00:24:50.45\00:24:52.92
enough to take your
relationship seriously.
00:24:52.95\00:24:55.76
You are an X type and as you
continue to come on the program,
00:24:55.79\00:24:59.76
we will show you how X
type girls date very, very
00:24:59.79\00:25:04.10
differently and date in
ways that are not conducive
00:25:04.13\00:25:08.14
to finding a serious mate.
00:25:08.17\00:25:10.37
So this is all part of
what we have planned for you as
00:25:10.41\00:25:13.71
you come to see us, you
know, come to visit with us,
00:25:13.74\00:25:15.98
and I promise you,
this is going to get easier,
00:25:16.01\00:25:19.95
this is going to get better,
you are going to find someone!
00:25:19.98\00:25:22.58
So what does the Bible
have to say about today's topic?
00:25:29.32\00:25:32.69
Today, we've been
covering differences.
00:25:32.73\00:25:35.66
We had a couple on our
set and we had a single,
00:25:35.70\00:25:39.77
and they were both
concerned about differences.
00:25:39.80\00:25:44.41
If you find difficulty in your
marriage or in your relationship
00:25:44.44\00:25:48.68
rising, most likely you
have discovered ways in which
00:25:48.71\00:25:53.52
you are different from your
partner, but you're not alone.
00:25:53.55\00:25:56.85
We know the Bible
story, we know the story of
00:25:56.89\00:25:59.29
Adam and Eve - we know
that Adam one day woke up
00:25:59.32\00:26:03.16
and found that his
wife was very different.
00:26:03.19\00:26:05.19
We know that Eve, herself,
found that Adam was different.
00:26:05.23\00:26:09.23
However, this didn't
start before the fall.
00:26:09.26\00:26:12.23
It started when
Eve disobeyed God.
00:26:12.27\00:26:14.50
When she touched that
fruit and found that everything
00:26:14.54\00:26:18.11
had changed -
leaves began to fall,
00:26:18.14\00:26:20.01
animals began to run
amuck, and they had lost
00:26:20.04\00:26:24.31
their home in Eden,
but it didn't end there.
00:26:24.35\00:26:27.88
What God actually said
to her was, "Your desire
00:26:27.92\00:26:31.02
shall be toward the man."
00:26:31.05\00:26:32.85
Today, 20% of
singles will never marry.
00:26:32.89\00:26:38.06
In our own church,
the ratio of women to men
00:26:38.09\00:26:41.20
is 6:1 and all of that
can be traced right back
00:26:41.23\00:26:45.30
to Eve making that fateful
decision on that fateful day,
00:26:45.33\00:26:50.17
but it didn't really end there.
00:26:50.21\00:26:51.97
Eve was assigned to
the home and motherhood,
00:26:52.01\00:26:55.61
where communication and
intimacy in raising children
00:26:55.64\00:26:58.38
became important.
00:26:58.65\00:27:00.75
Adam was sent outside to
tend the fields in solitude
00:27:00.78\00:27:05.25
and silence.
00:27:05.29\00:27:06.72
They spend 900+ years
doing just that, shaping their
00:27:06.76\00:27:11.69
personalities and
giving rise to the differences
00:27:11.73\00:27:14.10
that we have today.
00:27:14.13\00:27:15.73
Thanks for joining us
today on "Road to Romance"
00:27:15.76\00:27:18.40
Join us next time when
we'll take a look at how
00:27:18.43\00:27:21.50
communication helps us to bond.
00:27:21.54\00:27:23.34
We'll also find
out how compatible
00:27:23.37\00:27:25.81
Robert and Tangela are.
00:27:25.84\00:27:27.68
Will the personality test
show that they're different
00:27:27.71\00:27:30.51
or will Robert be
Tangela's perfect match,
00:27:30.55\00:27:33.52
and will they continue
on their road to romance
00:27:33.55\00:27:36.62
or take a detour?
00:27:36.65\00:27:38.09
Tune in next time and find out.
00:27:38.12\00:27:41.39