Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Don & Elaine, Kerissa
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000001
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00:25 Hello and welcome to "The Road to Romance"
00:27 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob. 00:29 Did you know that science has something 00:31 to say about relationships? 00:32 On this program, we'll share the latest research 00:35 on relationships and marriage. 00:37 You're going to meet real people dealing with real issues. 00:40 Five years ago, I developed XY Theory, 00:43 and time and time again, I've successfully applied it 00:46 to my work with singles and couples. 00:49 On the program, you are going to benefit from my years of 00:52 research and learn how to successfully navigate 00:56 your road to romance. 00:57 Let me introduce you to my first guest, Kerissa. 01:00 Kerissa, nice to have you on the program. 01:03 Tell me a little bit about yourself. 01:05 Well, I'm 22 years old, I'm from New York, 01:08 and I just graduated with my Bachelor's in communication. 01:11 And, I came on the show just to find out more about myself 01:15 as well as to figure out a suitable match for myself. 01:21 Okay, I believe you have come to the right place. 01:23 Let me tell you a little bit about XY Theory, 01:25 but before I do, let me share something with you. 01:29 In the last 10 years, science has taken off 01:33 on relationships, mostly neuroscience, 01:39 not psychology, not just strictly biology, 01:41 but the science of the mind. 01:44 Right now, a scientist is able to tell you whether or not 01:48 you would be compatible with someone that you've never met. 01:51 In fact, the science has progressed to such a point, 01:54 that your parents, your parents, could have known, 01:58 as a baby, whether you would have been 02:00 compatible with the boy-next-door. 02:01 Does that sound like science fiction? Um hm 02:04 That is the extent to which science has made 02:07 considerable progress in the last 10 years. 02:11 My own research on XY theory has focused on finding out 02:16 how two people could be compatible or whether 02:20 those two people would be compatible if they 02:22 so chose to be together. 02:23 Now, we have a lot of scientists out there who can tell you, 02:26 in fact with a great degree of accuracy, 02:30 whether or not two people will get a divorce imminently, 02:33 but I was not interested in that. 02:35 My interest was... how do I get two people 02:38 to save themselves years of heartache and years of pain 02:44 by finding out ahead of time, 02:46 that their personalities were not a match. 02:48 Have you ever been in a relationship where you 02:51 felt like there was some sort of a mismatch, a disconnect? 02:55 Yes, I definitely have. 02:57 You have? Yes... 02:58 And Kerissa, before we came on the set, 03:00 you mentioned that you had not been in a serious relationship 03:05 for several years, tell me about that. 03:08 Well, as I was growing up, I had relationships 03:15 but people tend to not consider those relationships 03:19 while you're young as very serious. 03:21 But, as I grew up, I started to take relationships 03:25 very seriously and I thought that I should take time 03:31 to figure out who I wanted to date and why I was dating them. 03:36 But, oftentimes I'd like to try to have a deeper 03:42 friendship first, so that caused me not 03:46 being able to choose a relationship at this age. 03:51 And I understand you just graduated from college, 03:55 how long ago was that? 03:56 That was last weekend. 03:57 That was last weekend! Last weekend. 03:59 So you have some time ahead, don't you? 04:01 You have some time, you just got out one week ago? Yes 04:04 Okay, well here's the thing... 04:07 Personality, your personality actually chooses 04:12 who you date next. 04:14 I know you thought that you were making the choice, 04:17 but all of the signs are showing that your personality, 04:19 your hormones, your genes even match up 04:24 with someone else's and they make the choice for you 04:27 at a subconscious level. 04:29 So sometimes when you think that you're not 04:31 dating right now, for one reason or the other, 04:33 it isn't really your sole decision... 04:38 But understanding how all of these things interact 04:41 to make decisions for you is real critical. 04:44 So, would you like to meet someone? 04:48 I mean, what is the goal in that area? 04:51 Well now that I've graduated from college, 04:53 a lot of people are asking me if I'm looking for a 04:56 serious relationship, and I feel that I'm at the age 04:59 where I am looking for a serious relationship, 05:02 but I'm not really in a rush, but I'm willing to 05:05 find out more about the XY Theory 05:07 because I think it will probably help me choose better mates. 05:12 And I actually think it will. 05:14 Let's go to the slide, I want to show you 05:16 how the XY Theory really works. Okay 05:19 So you have four relationship types and they are what I call 05:25 2- dimensions; there is communication 05:27 and there is intimacy. 05:30 Every single time scientists researched the pieces 05:35 that they wanted to apply to compatibility. 05:37 When they were trying to find out what makes 05:39 two people the greatest match in the world, 05:41 and two others - just the worst couple... 05:45 And when they did that, every single time, 05:48 they came up with those two pieces, 05:50 communication and intimacy. 05:51 So I created a scale that could measure your communication 05:56 and your intimacy, but here's the catch... 05:58 Now we've known for decades that those two pieces 06:02 when put in a relationship, and you can ask any 06:05 psychologist, any therapist, and they will tell you, 06:07 "Of course, you must have good communication 06:08 and you must have good intimacy," 06:10 but what I discovered in 5 years of research is 06:13 it isn't the style of communication, it's the amount. 06:17 This is the piece that has been missing. 06:20 How much communication you need is what determines 06:24 whether or not you will feel satisfied in the relationship. 06:27 If you find yourself with someone that is giving you 06:29 the amount of communication that you actually need, 06:31 you will feel more satisfied in that relationship, 06:34 and the same applies to intimacy. 06:36 Moreover, we've also discovered that it's connected 06:39 to your hormones. 06:40 So when you're in a relationship where you don't have to beg 06:44 someone - for instance, to ask you how your day was, 06:47 or you don't have to beg someone to reply to a text, 06:50 or beg them to have a decent conversation on the phone 06:54 with you that lasts more than 5 minutes, 06:56 when you don't have to beg someone for those needs, 06:59 then you have a flow of a specific hormone in your body, 07:03 it's called "oxytocin," and oxytocin has the effect 07:06 of bonding you to that special someone. 07:10 Now on the other hand, if you don't have 07:12 those needs met, what you have is a build up 07:15 of resentment and there is distance 07:17 between you and the individual. 07:19 Now I don't know if you know this... 07:20 Do you know what the percentage 07:22 of failure is for singles like yourself? 07:25 If you decided to find a guy and start dating, 07:28 what do you think the success rate is or the failure rate? 07:31 What do you think it is? I am not sure... 07:34 It is over 90%, over 90% of young ladies 07:38 like yourself who choose a guy to date will not 07:42 make it to the altar with that particular guy. 07:45 Now that's pretty high. 07:46 The divorce rate is 50%, but yours is 90% 07:48 That's kind of scary, isn't it? Very scary... 07:51 So I had to come up with and develop a theory and a test 07:55 that could take the guess work out of finding someone 07:59 that you can be perfectly matched with. 08:00 It's not a myth, you can find your perfect match, 08:04 but you're not going to find it by accident. 08:06 By accident, you have a 1 in 4 chance of 08:09 choosing the right person. 08:11 You might as well go to Vegas 08:13 with those kind of horrible odds. 08:15 So let's look at this and this is what we're talking about... 08:18 You have four personality types, and it's very simple. 08:21 "X" here means high. 08:25 So whenever you see "X," it means high. 08:26 A lot of people ask me, "Do you mean the 08:27 X chromosome?" No I don't. 08:29 In fact, there are a lot of guys who are X types, 08:31 and there are a lot of women who are Y types. 08:34 Interesting. 08:35 In the book and I am going to ask you to read this book, 08:39 but in one of the chapters, there is a chapter entitled, 08:44 "The Y Type Woman," and the reason why I wrote 08:47 that is simple... As I studied this, I realized 08:51 that there were a lot of women who shared characteristics 08:54 that we thought were men characteristics, 08:56 and there were a lot of men who shared characteristics 08:59 that we thought were the female characteristics... 09:01 So I had to create a chapter, I had to write a chapter 09:04 just for those women because they were so different 09:06 from X type women. 09:09 So "X" means high, and "Y" means low. 09:12 The first X is always communication. 09:14 So let's look on the first line. 09:17 XX means, let's suppose you tested at XX. 09:20 It would mean that you were a high communicator, 09:23 and you also were an emotional type of person. 09:27 You needed a high level of intimacy, right? Um hm 09:31 Or you have a personality type XY. 09:34 In that case, you would be a high communicator, 09:37 and you would be what we call an unemotional Y, 09:40 meaning that you didn't need much touchy - feely kind of 09:44 romantic gestures to know that your partner loved you. 09:48 And the third one was YY, usually Ys are the males, 09:53 usually, but there are some females as well. 09:56 And then the last is YX. 09:59 The Y in YX indicates someone who has a low need 10:05 for communication and as a result, 10:08 has a lot of partners that complained that they did not get 10:12 enough communication from that individual. 10:14 The X type in YX responds to a high need for intimacy, 10:21 and also gives a lot of intimacy affection. 10:27 Before you go out there and try to find someone, Kerissa, 10:32 I would like you to take the personality test. 10:35 We are actually going to provide you with a free personality 10:37 test that you will go and take and we will discuss 10:41 the results on our next program. 10:52 Join me in welcoming Don and Elaine to "Road to Romance." 10:55 Don and Elaine, welcome! Thank you! 10:57 So let's begin by saying a little bit about 11:00 where you're from... Don, what do you do? 11:03 Well, we currently are living in Virginia. 11:05 We met you last December up in New York City. You did. 11:08 And, Elaine is and I'm concerned 11:12 also about our communication and what it has been. 11:14 We've been married for 42 years and during that 11:18 period of time, we are quite different. 11:21 I don't talk a whole lot, Elaine does talk a whole lot. 11:25 I'm not real emotional, Elaine is very emotional. 11:28 So it sounds like we're fitting into this 11:31 XY pattern quite fully and, of course, I am here because 11:38 Elaine, as she has for the last 42 years, been very 11:42 encouraging that I learn to talk more so I'm doing that. 11:48 My background - We presently live in Virginia. 11:51 We've lived there now for about 30 years and we have 2 children, 11:55 a boy and a girl and we are very committed to our relationship 12:02 even though it sometimes runs into 12:06 head-butting with one another. 12:08 So, we're looking forward to what we have learned so far 12:13 in our initial discussion with you and what we will as we 12:16 go through the program here over the next several weeks. 12:22 All right, thank you, Elaine? 12:24 I am a musician, Don is an electrical engineer, 12:29 and so we are at the ends of the spectrum of the scale 12:33 as far as our emotionality is concerned... 12:36 And I, as a musician, have put my whole soul and heart into it. 12:42 And the needs are that that is very legitimate. 12:48 It is also what makes the world go around and makes it 12:54 delightful to be in because there are feelings there. 12:59 Nurturing as a woman, as a mother, I very much wanted 13:03 to be a mother, teach music classes. 13:07 My life has been bound up in my ministry with music. 13:12 It's not just a job for me, but it is part of who I am, 13:17 and I retired a year ago. 13:20 So this has now put us in closer proximity to each other 13:24 now that both of us have retired, 13:27 and some of these differences that we have 13:29 have become much more marked. Right 13:31 So we have been very encouraged by the way that you are 13:36 dealing with the XY Theory, and that this will 13:40 enhance us in our being able not only to communicate 13:43 with each other, but to reach out and meet each other's needs. 13:47 Well thank you, it will. 13:49 As I mentioned before, off the set, what we're going is 13:56 coaching - it's very different from counseling, 13:59 it's very different from therapy. 14:01 It's more goal-oriented, whereas therapy tends to 14:06 focus a lot more on psychoanalysis, 14:09 a lot more on your past and how your past 14:12 affects your present and it isn't that your past 14:14 doesn't affect your present, it's just that 14:17 using the coaching method, we tend to focus more 14:21 on the present and what we can do or what we can partner with, 14:26 is the language that they use, so that we can set goals 14:29 that are achievable. 14:31 There are some goals that are not achievable, 14:33 but to find that out, you have to set them. 14:35 You have to go after them and so the whole coaching 14:38 process is a different process, but I want to commend you 14:41 for coming on the air and sharing your process with us, 14:46 and with our viewers. 14:48 What I found, as I researched XY Theory for over 14:53 a period of 5 years and actually worked with now almost 14:57 1,000 couples, is that a lot of couples are very 15:01 cautious about sharing the conflict and sharing the 15:08 difficulty that they are having in their relationship. 15:10 I actually have a name for them... 15:12 In my book, I call them "the silent sufferers." 15:14 Well, if you are in an XY relationship and we will explain 15:18 what that means in a minute, you tend to not want to 15:22 share your concerns with other people, 15:26 and even more so if you are leaders in a church. 15:28 What we found is that leaders often suffer the most, 15:31 our ministers, our deacons, our elders because they 15:35 really have no one to turn to 15:37 and so we see a sort of dichotomy - we see a couple 15:41 that are all smiles at church, 15:43 kisses, fellowshipping and as soon as they get home, 15:48 it's almost a Jekyll and Hyde experience, 15:51 a completely different animal. 15:53 And so, reveals me to know they are not alone, 15:58 that that dichotomy is being felt by so many of our couples, 16:02 and the only way for that to happen is for folks like you 16:04 to come on a program like this to share that with them. 16:07 So I'm very happy that you're here and I believe that 16:11 we will accomplish some great 16:13 goals with regard to your relationship. 16:16 Now before we go further, I asked you guys to write out 16:21 what your goals were for this experience and, Don, 16:27 you're going to see Elaine's goals for the first time. 16:30 Elaine, you're going to see Don's goals for the first time, 16:33 and tonight, you can discuss it, you can talk about it... 16:38 And when we meet again, we can hear some feedback 16:43 about how you felt about what Don feels are priority goals 16:47 in the marriage and what you feel are goals in the marriage. 16:51 So let's take a look at the monitor and the first slide. 16:54 This is Don's and #1, Don wants improving the 16:59 communication between you to you and Elaine. 17:02 I have to say that whenever you have common goals, 17:07 whenever a couple has common goals that they actually set 17:10 separately, it's very exciting because it means 17:15 that here is agreement. 17:16 No matter what disagreement takes place in a marriage, 17:19 here's one thing that you guys both agree on and that is 17:22 that communication absolutely needs to be improved 17:26 for this marriage to get better 17:28 for the relationship to get stronger. 17:30 So that's a point of agreement and that's very exciting 17:32 because it means that you guys will probably want to compromise 17:35 at least on that one point. 17:38 #2- An orderly home and yard ready for sale, 17:42 but without feeling rushed. 17:44 #2 is pretty exciting because I know a little bit 17:48 of what's going on on the home front 17:50 but just to give a little background, 17:52 Don, if I may and feel free to jump in at any time. 17:54 Elaine was concerned about the fact that you guys are moving 17:59 to a new retirement community and, of course, 18:03 a home needs to be prepared for sale. 18:06 If you're anything like me, Don, there's a basement 18:09 of stuff that needs to be sorted through, 18:12 probably a couple of rooms with important paperwork 18:17 that need to be addressed and so I understand Elaine 18:23 that, you know, for you there's a timeline, 18:25 if we don't get that done, then we don't get this done, 18:28 we don't move to our little paradise if we don't get 18:32 certain things taken care of. 18:34 So it's interesting to know, however, that Don agrees, 18:38 he actually agrees that the orderliness needs to be 18:45 taken care of, the papers that are out of place - they need 18:49 to be sorted and he agrees. 18:52 The only difference here, really is the timeframe. 18:57 Don, of course, wants it to be done, realizes that it needs 19:01 to be done in a timeframe that 19:03 doesn't allow him to feel rushed. 19:05 You remind me of my dad, Don, he retired and the last thing 19:10 he wanted in retirement was to feel like he was still at work. 19:13 Was to feel like those pressures were still there, 19:15 the clock is still being punched, you know, someone is 19:18 looking over my shoulder and that's how my dad 19:20 felt and I understand a lot of retired men feel that way. 19:24 They want retirement to feel different 19:27 from actual labor, actual working 30-40 years. 19:31 How long have you been an engineer? 19:33 Well, from 1968, that's 46 years now. 19:37 Forty-six, okay, and then you put in your time and 19:41 now, you know, you want the relaxation phase 19:44 of your life to begin. 19:46 What is interesting, however, is that you're not 19:48 disagreeing with Elaine on this one at all. 19:51 You just have a different twist to it in terms of 19:54 when you would like, you know... 19:55 Well Elaine's philosophy is... "she wants it done yesterday!" 20:00 And my philosophy is.. "manana, tomorrow will also work." 20:04 It's not going to go anywhere, so it's still going to be there 20:07 for the papers to be sorted, to be collected, 20:09 to be thrown out, whatever needs to be done. Right 20:12 So the difference is the time frame that she has this 20:15 "I need to make up a list," and needs to follow these 20:18 set of orders - timeline-wise and so that come 20:23 May 5th or whatever, I got that done. 20:29 But if I don't have that done, I can get it done May 8th, 20:31 but Elaine wants it done like May 1st, 20:34 so this is part of the conflict. Okay 20:38 And as you did here, it was right of you to actually 20:43 make that a goal, but then the goal might not 20:46 be tidying up or cleaning up, but the goal might be to 20:51 get on the same page with regards to timeframe. 20:55 Okay, #3- An understanding partner who sees both sides. 21:01 Psychologists have a name for this - they have an actual 21:06 name for this kind of a problem 21:09 and they actually call it, "theory of mind." 21:11 What we're finding is that a lot of folks 21:14 seem less and less able, these days, to put themselves 21:19 in someone else's shoes, "to walk in someone else's 21:22 moccasins" as we would say. 21:25 And whenever that happens, of course, then you feel like 21:27 someone is not being very understanding. 21:31 So you are asking for a partner that has better 21:35 understanding and sees both sides. 21:37 Let's go to the next slide.. 21:39 #4- Respect from your partner. 21:42 Having verbal exchanges without anger. 21:46 And Don, that's your goal? Yes 21:49 Okay, I've spoken to both of you and realize that 21:54 this is a 2-way street, that both of you actually 21:57 feel the same way - this is another goal that you agree on, 22:01 and from what I've learned, you guys get into what we call 22:04 a "loop" where one person says something, it acts as a trigger, 22:09 the other person responds a little more angrily 22:13 and then that triggers the first person and keeps going 22:16 in a loop that doesn't end. 22:18 So what we are going to try to do in our coaching is 22:21 create a goal so that we can bring down that level of 22:26 animus that you guys have when you have these exchanges. 22:30 Now, believe it or not, these are changes that are also 22:33 are connected to the whole XY difference in a very subtle way, 22:37 but we will get to that later on. 22:38 #5- More tolerance from your partner which simply means 22:42 you would obviously like Elaine to be more tolerant 22:46 in terms of the things that she may not like about 22:50 what you're doing or how you're doing it. 22:52 And by tolerance, you might even mean more patience. 22:56 #6- Fewer demands. More time to do what you like. 22:59 Don, you can see that there's a theme flowing through here. 23:02 Let's go to the retirement theme which is 23:06 "I need more time, give me more free time." 23:09 That's why I quit my job, you know. 23:12 So that's what you're asking for there - so that's a 23:14 common goal that you have there. 23:16 Let's go to the next slide... 23:18 Elaine, and remember that you guys are 23:21 seeing this for the first time. 23:23 You did not know Elaine's goals 23:25 and she had never seen yours before. 23:27 So this is the first time Elaine's goals... 23:28 Improving the communication between the two of you. 23:31 Excellent! 23:32 #1 goal which kind of suggests this is a priority 23:35 order that you have it in. 23:36 Your #1 goal for both of you is communication. 23:39 #2- An organized house and a yard - and again agreement. 23:43 #3- A more nurturing partner. 23:46 This is connected to the whole XY Theory thing, 23:49 but we will visit that on our next program. 23:51 Next slide - Hah, wow, you guys 23:56 are almost like you started and did this together, 23:58 even though I know that you did not. 23:59 #4- Respect from your partner. 24:02 #5- Equality in the partnership and marriage. 24:05 #6- Compliments and appreciation and you will see, 24:08 Elaine, how closely those are tied to the theory. 24:13 Now this is the book that you guys will be using. 24:16 It's called, "Getting to the Two Way Relationship" 24:19 because it sounds right now that you guys are in a 24:21 one-way relationship or so it feels and part of the 24:24 coaching is to go through this, 24:26 you will get several challenges. 24:27 I'll give you challenges and you will have to 24:31 come up, you know, to those challenges and attempt to 24:34 actually pull them off. 24:36 You will do a test - we'll send you off to do a test, 24:41 and the next time, we will find out if those 24:43 results match your goals. 24:46 Does that sound okay? Yes 24:54 So what does the Bible have to say about all of this? 24:56 We have relationship problems. 25:00 We have marital issues. 25:03 The divorce rate is skyrocketing. 25:07 There must be something that we can do. 25:09 Some of us believe that we should pray more and we should. 25:15 Some of us believe we should fast more, 25:17 and even that would help, but the Bible teaches 25:22 a slightly different story. 25:25 It seems to tell us that in addition to doing all 25:29 the things that God expects us to do, 25:31 we need to do a little bit more. 25:36 Let's go back to the Garden of Eden when God created 25:40 the first human - Adam. 25:43 Adam was perfect and yet still God said, 25:47 I need to create someone for you that's suitable for you. 25:52 Now that's a rather strange thing to say. 25:54 If I am perfect, why don't You 25:58 just create another perfect being. 25:59 If all we need to be happy and relationship is perfection, 26:04 then God would not have said, I need to find you perfection 26:08 that matches your perfection. 26:11 In other words, beyond spirituality, 26:15 the uniqueness of someone's personality is extremely 26:19 important for happiness and compatibility. 26:23 And so it's important to note that Adam was given a 26:26 job on his first day of creation to name some animals. 26:30 He named a lot of animals, some say almost a billion animals. 26:35 But what did he see? 26:37 What did Adam see that would change who Adam was? 26:41 Remember, a baby, newly born, has a mind like a sponge... 26:46 everything they see in those first few days, are absorbed 26:49 in a way that changes that baby's personality 26:52 and disposition. 26:54 It was no different for Adam, our first parent. 26:57 What did Adam see? What Adam saw was 26:59 what he needed in a companion. 27:03 By looking and observing how animals interacted, 27:06 Adam was able to know what he needed. 27:08 You might find yourself bonding in your relationship 27:11 instead of bending if you knew what your partner needed 27:16 in the relationship. 27:17 I want to thank you for tuning in today. 27:21 Join us next time as we find out whether Kerissa 27:25 is an X or Y type. 27:27 You will also be able to find out about Don and Elaine 27:31 and their personality types to see how their personality 27:34 affected their relationship. 27:36 We give them tools to help them on their "Road to Romance." |
Revised 2017-02-08