Hello and welcome to
"The Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob.
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Did you know that
science has something
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to say about relationships?
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On this program, we'll
share the latest research
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on relationships and marriage.
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You're going to meet real
people dealing with real issues.
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Five years ago, I
developed XY Theory,
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and time and time again,
I've successfully applied it
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to my work with
singles and couples.
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On the program, you are going
to benefit from my years of
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research and learn how
to successfully navigate
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your road to romance.
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Let me introduce you to
my first guest, Kerissa.
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Kerissa, nice to
have you on the program.
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Tell me a little
bit about yourself.
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Well, I'm 22 years
old, I'm from New York,
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and I just graduated with
my Bachelor's in communication.
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And, I came on the show just
to find out more about myself
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as well as to figure out
a suitable match for myself.
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Okay, I believe you
have come to the right place.
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Let me tell you a
little bit about XY Theory,
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but before I do, let me
share something with you.
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In the last 10
years, science has taken off
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on relationships,
mostly neuroscience,
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not psychology, not
just strictly biology,
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but the science of the mind.
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Right now, a scientist is
able to tell you whether or not
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you would be compatible with
someone that you've never met.
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In fact, the science has
progressed to such a point,
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that your parents, your
parents, could have known,
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as a baby, whether
you would have been
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compatible with
the boy-next-door.
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Does that sound like
science fiction? Um hm
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That is the extent to
which science has made
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considerable
progress in the last 10 years.
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My own research on XY theory
has focused on finding out
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how two people could
be compatible or whether
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those two people
would be compatible if they
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so chose to be together.
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Now, we have a lot of scientists
out there who can tell you,
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in fact with a
great degree of accuracy,
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whether or not two people
will get a divorce imminently,
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but I was not
interested in that.
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My interest was...
how do I get two people
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to save themselves years
of heartache and years of pain
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by finding out ahead of time,
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that their
personalities were not a match.
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Have you ever been in
a relationship where you
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felt like there was some sort
of a mismatch, a disconnect?
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Yes, I definitely have.
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You have? Yes...
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And Kerissa,
before we came on the set,
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you mentioned that you had not
been in a serious relationship
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for several years,
tell me about that.
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Well, as I was growing
up, I had relationships
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but people tend to not
consider those relationships
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while you're
young as very serious.
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But, as I grew up, I
started to take relationships
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very seriously and I
thought that I should take time
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to figure out who I wanted to
date and why I was dating them.
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But, oftentimes I'd
like to try to have a deeper
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friendship first,
so that caused me not
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being able to choose a
relationship at this age.
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And I understand you
just graduated from college,
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how long ago was that?
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That was last weekend.
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That was last
weekend! Last weekend.
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So you have some
time ahead, don't you?
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You have some time, you
just got out one week ago? Yes
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Okay, well here's the thing...
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Personality, your
personality actually chooses
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who you date next.
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I know you thought that
you were making the choice,
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but all of the signs are
showing that your personality,
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your hormones,
your genes even match up
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with someone else's and
they make the choice for you
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at a subconscious level.
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So sometimes when
you think that you're not
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dating right now, for
one reason or the other,
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it isn't really
your sole decision...
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But understanding how
all of these things interact
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to make decisions
for you is real critical.
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So, would you
like to meet someone?
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I mean, what is
the goal in that area?
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Well now that I've
graduated from college,
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a lot of people are
asking me if I'm looking for a
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serious relationship, and
I feel that I'm at the age
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where I am looking for
a serious relationship,
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but I'm not really in a
rush, but I'm willing to
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find out more
about the XY Theory
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because I think it will probably
help me choose better mates.
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And I actually think it will.
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Let's go to the
slide, I want to show you
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how the XY Theory
really works. Okay
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So you have four relationship
types and they are what I call
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2- dimensions;
there is communication
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and there is intimacy.
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Every single time
scientists researched the pieces
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that they wanted to
apply to compatibility.
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When they were trying
to find out what makes
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two people the
greatest match in the world,
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and two others -
just the worst couple...
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And when they did
that, every single time,
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they came up
with those two pieces,
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communication and intimacy.
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So I created a scale that
could measure your communication
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and your intimacy,
but here's the catch...
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Now we've known for
decades that those two pieces
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when put in a relationship,
and you can ask any
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psychologist, any therapist,
and they will tell you,
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"Of course, you must
have good communication
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and you must
have good intimacy,"
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but what I discovered
in 5 years of research is
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it isn't the style of
communication, it's the amount.
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This is the piece
that has been missing.
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How much communication
you need is what determines
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whether or not you will feel
satisfied in the relationship.
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If you find yourself with
someone that is giving you
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the amount of communication
that you actually need,
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you will feel more
satisfied in that relationship,
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and the same
applies to intimacy.
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Moreover, we've also
discovered that it's connected
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to your hormones.
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So when you're in a relationship
where you don't have to beg
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someone - for instance,
to ask you how your day was,
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or you don't have to beg
someone to reply to a text,
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or beg them to have a
decent conversation on the phone
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with you that lasts
more than 5 minutes,
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when you don't have to
beg someone for those needs,
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then you have a flow of a
specific hormone in your body,
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it's called "oxytocin,"
and oxytocin has the effect
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of bonding you to
that special someone.
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Now on the other
hand, if you don't have
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those needs met, what
you have is a build up
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of resentment
and there is distance
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between you and the individual.
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Now I don't know
if you know this...
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Do you know what the percentage
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of failure is for
singles like yourself?
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If you decided to find
a guy and start dating,
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what do you think the success
rate is or the failure rate?
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What do you think
it is? I am not sure...
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It is over 90%,
over 90% of young ladies
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like yourself who
choose a guy to date will not
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make it to the altar
with that particular guy.
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Now that's pretty high.
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The divorce rate is
50%, but yours is 90%
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That's kind of scary,
isn't it? Very scary...
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So I had to come up with
and develop a theory and a test
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that could take the guess
work out of finding someone
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that you can be
perfectly matched with.
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It's not a myth, you
can find your perfect match,
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but you're not going
to find it by accident.
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By accident, you
have a 1 in 4 chance of
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choosing the right person.
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You might as well go to Vegas
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with those kind
of horrible odds.
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So let's look at this and this
is what we're talking about...
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You have four personality
types, and it's very simple.
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"X" here means high.
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So whenever you
see "X," it means high.
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A lot of people ask
me, "Do you mean the
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X chromosome?" No I don't.
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In fact, there are a
lot of guys who are X types,
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and there are a lot
of women who are Y types.
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Interesting.
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In the book and I am going
to ask you to read this book,
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but in one of the chapters,
there is a chapter entitled,
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"The Y Type Woman,"
and the reason why I wrote
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that is simple... As I
studied this, I realized
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that there were a lot of
women who shared characteristics
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that we thought
were men characteristics,
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and there were a lot of
men who shared characteristics
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that we thought were the
female characteristics...
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So I had to create a chapter,
I had to write a chapter
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just for those women
because they were so different
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from X type women.
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So "X" means
high, and "Y" means low.
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The first X is
always communication.
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So let's look on the first line.
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XX means, let's
suppose you tested at XX.
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It would mean that you
were a high communicator,
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and you also were an
emotional type of person.
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You needed a high level
of intimacy, right? Um hm
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Or you have a
personality type XY.
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In that case, you
would be a high communicator,
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and you would be what
we call an unemotional Y,
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meaning that you didn't
need much touchy - feely kind of
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romantic gestures to know
that your partner loved you.
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And the third one was
YY, usually Ys are the males,
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usually, but there
are some females as well.
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And then the last is YX.
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The Y in YX indicates
someone who has a low need
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for
communication and as a result,
00:10:05.67\00:10:08.00
has a lot of partners that
complained that they did not get
00:10:08.04\00:10:12.67
enough communication
from that individual.
00:10:12.71\00:10:14.88
The X type in YX responds
to a high need for intimacy,
00:10:14.91\00:10:21.78
and also gives a lot
of intimacy affection.
00:10:21.82\00:10:27.16
Before you go out there and
try to find someone, Kerissa,
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I would like you to
take the personality test.
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We are actually going to provide
you with a free personality
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test that you will go
and take and we will discuss
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the results on our next program.
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Join me in welcoming Don
and Elaine to "Road to Romance."
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Don and Elaine,
welcome! Thank you!
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So let's begin by
saying a little bit about
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where you're
from... Don, what do you do?
00:11:00.72\00:11:03.32
Well, we currently
are living in Virginia.
00:11:03.36\00:11:05.46
We met you last December
up in New York City. You did.
00:11:05.49\00:11:08.83
And, Elaine is and I'm concerned
00:11:08.86\00:11:12.67
also about our communication
and what it has been.
00:11:12.70\00:11:14.87
We've been married for
42 years and during that
00:11:14.90\00:11:18.64
period of time, we
are quite different.
00:11:18.67\00:11:21.31
I don't talk a whole lot,
Elaine does talk a whole lot.
00:11:21.34\00:11:25.15
I'm not real emotional,
Elaine is very emotional.
00:11:25.18\00:11:28.85
So it sounds like
we're fitting into this
00:11:28.88\00:11:31.02
XY pattern quite fully and,
of course, I am here because
00:11:31.05\00:11:38.96
Elaine, as she has for
the last 42 years, been very
00:11:38.99\00:11:42.66
encouraging that I learn to
talk more so I'm doing that.
00:11:42.70\00:11:48.74
My background - We
presently live in Virginia.
00:11:48.77\00:11:51.04
We've lived there now for about
30 years and we have 2 children,
00:11:51.07\00:11:55.24
a boy and a girl and we are very
committed to our relationship
00:11:55.28\00:12:02.95
even though it
sometimes runs into
00:12:02.98\00:12:06.22
head-butting with one another.
00:12:06.25\00:12:08.86
So, we're looking forward
to what we have learned so far
00:12:08.89\00:12:13.80
in our initial discussion
with you and what we will as we
00:12:13.83\00:12:16.36
go through the program here
over the next several weeks.
00:12:16.40\00:12:22.00
All right, thank you, Elaine?
00:12:22.04\00:12:23.57
I am a musician, Don
is an electrical engineer,
00:12:24.64\00:12:29.21
and so we are at the ends
of the spectrum of the scale
00:12:29.24\00:12:33.18
as far as our
emotionality is concerned...
00:12:33.21\00:12:36.92
And I, as a musician, have put
my whole soul and heart into it.
00:12:36.95\00:12:42.76
And the needs are that
that is very legitimate.
00:12:42.79\00:12:48.23
It is also what makes the
world go around and makes it
00:12:48.26\00:12:54.74
delightful to be in because
there are feelings there.
00:12:54.77\00:12:59.01
Nurturing as a woman, as
a mother, I very much wanted
00:12:59.04\00:13:03.41
to be a mother,
teach music classes.
00:13:03.45\00:13:07.48
My life has been bound up
in my ministry with music.
00:13:07.52\00:13:12.49
It's not just a job for
me, but it is part of who I am,
00:13:12.52\00:13:17.49
and I retired a year ago.
00:13:17.53\00:13:20.56
So this has now put us in
closer proximity to each other
00:13:20.60\00:13:24.70
now that both
of us have retired,
00:13:24.73\00:13:27.14
and some of these
differences that we have
00:13:27.17\00:13:29.24
have become much
more marked. Right
00:13:29.27\00:13:31.77
So we have been very encouraged
by the way that you are
00:13:31.81\00:13:36.85
dealing with the XY
Theory, and that this will
00:13:36.88\00:13:40.32
enhance us in our being
able not only to communicate
00:13:40.35\00:13:43.55
with each other, but to reach
out and meet each other's needs.
00:13:43.59\00:13:47.56
Well thank you, it will.
00:13:47.59\00:13:49.66
As I mentioned before, off
the set, what we're going is
00:13:49.69\00:13:56.20
coaching - it's very
different from counseling,
00:13:56.23\00:13:59.23
it's very
different from therapy.
00:13:59.27\00:14:01.07
It's more goal-oriented,
whereas therapy tends to
00:14:01.10\00:14:06.17
focus a lot more
on psychoanalysis,
00:14:06.21\00:14:09.31
a lot more on your
past and how your past
00:14:09.34\00:14:12.05
affects your present
and it isn't that your past
00:14:12.08\00:14:14.55
doesn't affect your
present, it's just that
00:14:14.58\00:14:17.05
using the coaching
method, we tend to focus more
00:14:17.09\00:14:21.39
on the present and what we can
do or what we can partner with,
00:14:21.42\00:14:26.39
is the language that they
use, so that we can set goals
00:14:26.43\00:14:29.63
that are achievable.
00:14:29.66\00:14:31.53
There are some goals
that are not achievable,
00:14:31.57\00:14:33.27
but to find that
out, you have to set them.
00:14:33.30\00:14:35.20
You have to go after
them and so the whole coaching
00:14:35.24\00:14:38.34
process is a different process,
but I want to commend you
00:14:38.37\00:14:41.08
for coming on the air and
sharing your process with us,
00:14:41.11\00:14:46.08
and with our viewers.
00:14:46.11\00:14:48.12
What I found, as I
researched XY Theory for over
00:14:48.15\00:14:53.05
a period of 5 years and
actually worked with now almost
00:14:53.09\00:14:57.26
1,000 couples, is that
a lot of couples are very
00:14:57.29\00:15:01.90
cautious about sharing
the conflict and sharing the
00:15:01.93\00:15:08.60
difficulty that they are
having in their relationship.
00:15:08.64\00:15:09.97
I actually have
a name for them...
00:15:10.01\00:15:12.77
In my book, I call
them "the silent sufferers."
00:15:12.81\00:15:14.81
Well, if you are in an XY
relationship and we will explain
00:15:14.84\00:15:18.21
what that means in a
minute, you tend to not want to
00:15:18.25\00:15:22.28
share your
concerns with other people,
00:15:22.32\00:15:26.15
and even more so if you
are leaders in a church.
00:15:26.19\00:15:28.96
What we found is that
leaders often suffer the most,
00:15:28.99\00:15:31.73
our ministers, our
deacons, our elders because they
00:15:31.76\00:15:35.26
really have no one to turn to
00:15:35.30\00:15:37.27
and so we see a sort of
dichotomy - we see a couple
00:15:37.30\00:15:41.27
that are all smiles at church,
00:15:41.30\00:15:43.57
kisses, fellowshipping
and as soon as they get home,
00:15:43.61\00:15:48.34
it's almost a
Jekyll and Hyde experience,
00:15:48.38\00:15:51.05
a completely different animal.
00:15:51.08\00:15:53.55
And so, reveals me to
know they are not alone,
00:15:53.58\00:15:58.25
that that dichotomy is being
felt by so many of our couples,
00:15:58.29\00:16:01.99
and the only way for that
to happen is for folks like you
00:16:02.02\00:16:04.63
to come on a program like
this to share that with them.
00:16:04.66\00:16:07.66
So I'm very happy that
you're here and I believe that
00:16:07.70\00:16:11.67
we will accomplish some great
00:16:11.70\00:16:13.67
goals with regard
to your relationship.
00:16:13.70\00:16:16.44
Now before we go further,
I asked you guys to write out
00:16:16.47\00:16:21.41
what your goals were for
this experience and, Don,
00:16:21.44\00:16:27.22
you're going to see Elaine's
goals for the first time.
00:16:27.25\00:16:30.32
Elaine, you're going to see
Don's goals for the first time,
00:16:30.35\00:16:33.36
and tonight, you can discuss
it, you can talk about it...
00:16:33.39\00:16:38.09
And when we meet again,
we can hear some feedback
00:16:38.13\00:16:43.53
about how you felt about what
Don feels are priority goals
00:16:43.57\00:16:47.94
in the marriage and what you
feel are goals in the marriage.
00:16:47.97\00:16:51.04
So let's take a look at the
monitor and the first slide.
00:16:51.07\00:16:54.84
This is Don's and #1,
Don wants improving the
00:16:54.88\00:16:59.61
communication between
you to you and Elaine.
00:16:59.65\00:17:02.85
I have to say that
whenever you have common goals,
00:17:02.88\00:17:07.66
whenever a couple has common
goals that they actually set
00:17:07.69\00:17:10.63
separately, it's very
exciting because it means
00:17:10.66\00:17:15.16
that here is agreement.
00:17:15.20\00:17:16.83
No matter what disagreement
takes place in a marriage,
00:17:16.87\00:17:19.47
here's one thing that you
guys both agree on and that is
00:17:19.50\00:17:22.87
that communication
absolutely needs to be improved
00:17:22.90\00:17:26.27
for this marriage to get better
00:17:26.31\00:17:28.18
for the
relationship to get stronger.
00:17:28.21\00:17:30.35
So that's a point of agreement
and that's very exciting
00:17:30.38\00:17:32.71
because it means that you guys
will probably want to compromise
00:17:32.75\00:17:35.92
at least on that one point.
00:17:35.95\00:17:38.39
#2- An orderly home
and yard ready for sale,
00:17:38.42\00:17:42.22
but without feeling rushed.
00:17:42.26\00:17:44.16
#2 is pretty exciting
because I know a little bit
00:17:44.23\00:17:48.26
of what's going
on on the home front
00:17:48.30\00:17:50.30
but just to give
a little background,
00:17:50.33\00:17:52.27
Don, if I may and feel
free to jump in at any time.
00:17:52.30\00:17:54.67
Elaine was concerned about the
fact that you guys are moving
00:17:54.70\00:17:59.61
to a new retirement
community and, of course,
00:17:59.64\00:18:03.24
a home needs to
be prepared for sale.
00:18:03.28\00:18:06.15
If you're anything like
me, Don, there's a basement
00:18:06.18\00:18:09.28
of stuff that needs
to be sorted through,
00:18:09.32\00:18:12.79
probably a couple of
rooms with important paperwork
00:18:12.82\00:18:17.06
that need to be addressed
and so I understand Elaine
00:18:17.09\00:18:23.57
that, you know, for
you there's a timeline,
00:18:23.60\00:18:25.77
if we don't get that done,
then we don't get this done,
00:18:25.80\00:18:28.34
we don't move to our
little paradise if we don't get
00:18:28.37\00:18:32.67
certain things taken care of.
00:18:32.71\00:18:34.44
So it's interesting to
know, however, that Don agrees,
00:18:34.48\00:18:38.95
he actually agrees that
the orderliness needs to be
00:18:38.98\00:18:45.05
taken care of, the papers that
are out of place - they need
00:18:45.09\00:18:49.36
to be sorted and he agrees.
00:18:49.39\00:18:52.13
The only difference
here, really is the timeframe.
00:18:52.16\00:18:56.53
Don, of course, wants it to
be done, realizes that it needs
00:18:57.17\00:19:01.37
to be done in a timeframe that
00:19:01.40\00:19:02.97
doesn't allow
him to feel rushed.
00:19:03.00\00:19:05.77
You remind me of my dad, Don,
he retired and the last thing
00:19:05.81\00:19:10.35
he wanted in retirement was to
feel like he was still at work.
00:19:10.38\00:19:13.82
Was to feel like those
pressures were still there,
00:19:13.85\00:19:15.82
the clock is still being
punched, you know, someone is
00:19:15.85\00:19:18.02
looking over my
shoulder and that's how my dad
00:19:18.05\00:19:20.72
felt and I understand a lot
of retired men feel that way.
00:19:20.76\00:19:24.76
They want
retirement to feel different
00:19:24.79\00:19:27.33
from actual labor,
actual working 30-40 years.
00:19:27.36\00:19:31.67
How long have
you been an engineer?
00:19:31.70\00:19:33.03
Well, from 1968,
that's 46 years now.
00:19:33.07\00:19:37.74
Forty-six, okay, and
then you put in your time and
00:19:37.77\00:19:41.64
now, you know, you
want the relaxation phase
00:19:41.68\00:19:44.78
of your life to begin.
00:19:44.81\00:19:46.15
What is interesting,
however, is that you're not
00:19:46.18\00:19:48.05
disagreeing with
Elaine on this one at all.
00:19:48.08\00:19:51.15
You just have a different
twist to it in terms of
00:19:51.19\00:19:54.02
when you would like, you know...
00:19:54.06\00:19:55.76
Well Elaine's philosophy is...
"she wants it done yesterday!"
00:19:55.79\00:20:00.10
And my philosophy is.. "manana,
tomorrow will also work."
00:20:00.13\00:20:04.93
It's not going to go anywhere,
so it's still going to be there
00:20:04.97\00:20:07.50
for the papers to be
sorted, to be collected,
00:20:07.54\00:20:09.54
to be thrown out,
whatever needs to be done. Right
00:20:09.57\00:20:12.07
So the difference is the
time frame that she has this
00:20:12.11\00:20:15.68
"I need to make up a
list," and needs to follow these
00:20:15.71\00:20:18.91
set of orders -
timeline-wise and so that come
00:20:18.95\00:20:23.72
May 5th or
whatever, I got that done.
00:20:23.75\00:20:29.66
But if I don't have that
done, I can get it done May 8th,
00:20:29.69\00:20:31.89
but Elaine wants
it done like May 1st,
00:20:31.93\00:20:34.30
so this is part
of the conflict. Okay
00:20:34.33\00:20:38.60
And as you did here, it
was right of you to actually
00:20:38.63\00:20:43.04
make that a goal, but
then the goal might not
00:20:43.07\00:20:46.51
be tidying up or cleaning
up, but the goal might be to
00:20:46.54\00:20:51.68
get on the same page
with regards to timeframe.
00:20:51.71\00:20:54.98
Okay, #3- An understanding
partner who sees both sides.
00:20:55.02\00:21:01.82
Psychologists have a name
for this - they have an actual
00:21:01.86\00:21:06.03
name for this kind of a problem
00:21:06.06\00:21:09.16
and they actually
call it, "theory of mind."
00:21:09.20\00:21:11.83
What we're finding
is that a lot of folks
00:21:11.87\00:21:14.77
seem less and less able,
these days, to put themselves
00:21:14.80\00:21:19.77
in someone else's shoes,
"to walk in someone else's
00:21:19.81\00:21:22.88
moccasins" as we would say.
00:21:22.91\00:21:25.05
And whenever that happens,
of course, then you feel like
00:21:25.08\00:21:27.68
someone is not
being very understanding.
00:21:27.72\00:21:31.49
So you are asking for
a partner that has better
00:21:31.52\00:21:35.32
understanding
and sees both sides.
00:21:35.36\00:21:37.73
Let's go to the next slide..
00:21:37.76\00:21:39.09
#4- Respect from your partner.
00:21:39.13\00:21:42.76
Having verbal
exchanges without anger.
00:21:42.80\00:21:46.53
And Don, that's your goal? Yes
00:21:46.57\00:21:49.67
Okay, I've spoken to
both of you and realize that
00:21:49.70\00:21:54.54
this is a 2-way street,
that both of you actually
00:21:54.58\00:21:57.85
feel the same way - this is
another goal that you agree on,
00:21:57.88\00:22:01.35
and from what I've learned,
you guys get into what we call
00:22:01.38\00:22:04.49
a "loop" where one person says
something, it acts as a trigger,
00:22:04.52\00:22:09.36
the other person
responds a little more angrily
00:22:09.39\00:22:13.06
and then that triggers the
first person and keeps going
00:22:13.09\00:22:16.43
in a loop that doesn't end.
00:22:16.46\00:22:18.90
So what we are going to
try to do in our coaching is
00:22:18.93\00:22:21.90
create a goal so that we
can bring down that level of
00:22:21.94\00:22:26.94
animus that you guys have
when you have these exchanges.
00:22:26.98\00:22:30.78
Now, believe it or not,
these are changes that are also
00:22:30.81\00:22:33.21
are connected to the whole XY
difference in a very subtle way,
00:22:33.25\00:22:37.19
but we will get
to that later on.
00:22:37.22\00:22:38.82
#5- More tolerance from
your partner which simply means
00:22:38.85\00:22:42.52
you would obviously like
Elaine to be more tolerant
00:22:42.56\00:22:46.70
in terms of the things
that she may not like about
00:22:46.73\00:22:49.96
what you're doing
or how you're doing it.
00:22:50.00\00:22:51.97
And by tolerance, you
might even mean more patience.
00:22:52.00\00:22:56.40
#6- Fewer demands. More
time to do what you like.
00:22:56.44\00:22:59.47
Don, you can see that there's
a theme flowing through here.
00:22:59.51\00:23:02.61
Let's go to the
retirement theme which is
00:23:02.64\00:23:06.41
"I need more time,
give me more free time."
00:23:06.45\00:23:09.42
That's why I
quit my job, you know.
00:23:09.45\00:23:12.09
So that's what you're
asking for there - so that's a
00:23:12.12\00:23:14.66
common goal that you have there.
00:23:14.69\00:23:16.36
Let's go to the next slide...
00:23:16.39\00:23:18.53
Elaine, and
remember that you guys are
00:23:18.56\00:23:21.46
seeing this for the first time.
00:23:21.50\00:23:23.33
You did not know Elaine's goals
00:23:23.37\00:23:25.27
and she had never
seen yours before.
00:23:25.30\00:23:27.04
So this is the first
time Elaine's goals...
00:23:27.07\00:23:28.84
Improving the communication
between the two of you.
00:23:28.87\00:23:31.07
Excellent!
00:23:31.11\00:23:32.44
#1 goal which kind of
suggests this is a priority
00:23:32.47\00:23:35.04
order that you have it in.
00:23:35.08\00:23:36.64
Your #1 goal for both
of you is communication.
00:23:36.68\00:23:39.15
#2- An organized house and
a yard - and again agreement.
00:23:39.18\00:23:43.69
#3- A more nurturing partner.
00:23:43.72\00:23:46.25
This is connected to
the whole XY Theory thing,
00:23:46.29\00:23:49.32
but we will visit
that on our next program.
00:23:49.36\00:23:51.93
Next slide - Hah, wow, you guys
00:23:51.96\00:23:56.67
are almost like you
started and did this together,
00:23:56.70\00:23:58.20
even though I
know that you did not.
00:23:58.23\00:23:59.57
#4- Respect from your partner.
00:23:59.60\00:24:02.00
#5- Equality in the
partnership and marriage.
00:24:02.07\00:24:05.01
#6- Compliments and
appreciation and you will see,
00:24:05.04\00:24:08.38
Elaine, how closely
those are tied to the theory.
00:24:08.41\00:24:13.21
Now this is the book
that you guys will be using.
00:24:13.25\00:24:16.38
It's called, "Getting to
the Two Way Relationship"
00:24:16.42\00:24:19.45
because it sounds right
now that you guys are in a
00:24:19.49\00:24:21.29
one-way relationship or
so it feels and part of the
00:24:21.32\00:24:24.69
coaching is to go through this,
00:24:24.73\00:24:26.06
you will get several challenges.
00:24:26.09\00:24:27.53
I'll give you
challenges and you will have to
00:24:27.56\00:24:31.73
come up, you know, to
those challenges and attempt to
00:24:31.77\00:24:34.64
actually pull them off.
00:24:34.67\00:24:36.54
You will do a test -
we'll send you off to do a test,
00:24:36.57\00:24:40.98
and the next time, we
will find out if those
00:24:41.01\00:24:43.85
results match your goals.
00:24:43.88\00:24:46.15
Does that sound okay? Yes
00:24:46.18\00:24:48.12
So what does the Bible
have to say about all of this?
00:24:54.32\00:24:56.46
We have relationship problems.
00:24:56.49\00:25:00.66
We have marital issues.
00:25:00.70\00:25:03.10
The divorce
rate is skyrocketing.
00:25:03.13\00:25:07.10
There must be
something that we can do.
00:25:07.14\00:25:09.94
Some of us believe that we
should pray more and we should.
00:25:09.97\00:25:15.34
Some of us believe
we should fast more,
00:25:15.38\00:25:17.91
and even that would
help, but the Bible teaches
00:25:17.95\00:25:22.68
a slightly different story.
00:25:22.72\00:25:25.75
It seems to tell us
that in addition to doing all
00:25:25.79\00:25:29.09
the things that
God expects us to do,
00:25:29.12\00:25:31.79
we need to do a little bit more.
00:25:31.83\00:25:36.33
Let's go back to the
Garden of Eden when God created
00:25:36.36\00:25:40.10
the first human - Adam.
00:25:40.14\00:25:43.27
Adam was perfect
and yet still God said,
00:25:43.30\00:25:47.34
I need to create someone
for you that's suitable for you.
00:25:47.38\00:25:52.28
Now that's a rather
strange thing to say.
00:25:52.31\00:25:54.68
If I am perfect, why don't You
00:25:54.72\00:25:58.45
just create
another perfect being.
00:25:58.52\00:25:59.85
If all we need to be happy
and relationship is perfection,
00:25:59.89\00:26:04.26
then God would not have said,
I need to find you perfection
00:26:04.29\00:26:08.66
that matches your perfection.
00:26:08.70\00:26:11.27
In other words,
beyond spirituality,
00:26:11.30\00:26:14.97
the uniqueness of someone's
personality is extremely
00:26:15.00\00:26:19.01
important for
happiness and compatibility.
00:26:19.04\00:26:23.95
And so it's important to
note that Adam was given a
00:26:23.98\00:26:26.61
job on his first day of
creation to name some animals.
00:26:26.65\00:26:30.69
He named a lot of animals, some
say almost a billion animals.
00:26:30.72\00:26:35.32
But what did he see?
00:26:35.36\00:26:37.66
What did Adam see that
would change who Adam was?
00:26:37.69\00:26:41.23
Remember, a baby, newly born,
has a mind like a sponge...
00:26:41.26\00:26:46.33
everything they see in those
first few days, are absorbed
00:26:46.37\00:26:49.84
in a way that changes
that baby's personality
00:26:49.87\00:26:52.71
and disposition.
00:26:52.74\00:26:54.08
It was no different
for Adam, our first parent.
00:26:54.11\00:26:57.35
What did Adam
see? What Adam saw was
00:26:57.38\00:26:59.88
what he needed in a companion.
00:26:59.91\00:27:03.89
By looking and observing
how animals interacted,
00:27:03.92\00:27:06.49
Adam was able to
know what he needed.
00:27:06.52\00:27:08.36
You might find yourself
bonding in your relationship
00:27:08.39\00:27:11.36
instead of bending if you
knew what your partner needed
00:27:11.39\00:27:15.96
in the relationship.
00:27:16.00\00:27:17.37
I want to thank you
for tuning in today.
00:27:17.40\00:27:21.70
Join us next time as we
find out whether Kerissa
00:27:21.74\00:27:25.54
is an X or Y type.
00:27:25.57\00:27:27.08
You will also be able to
find out about Don and Elaine
00:27:27.11\00:27:31.21
and their personality types
to see how their personality
00:27:31.25\00:27:34.62
affected their relationship.
00:27:34.65\00:27:36.08
We give them tools to help
them on their "Road to Romance."
00:27:36.12\00:27:41.06