¤¤
00:00:01.30\00:00:03.93
>> Today's scripture reading
00:00:14.44\00:00:15.24
comes from Ephesians chapter 5,
00:00:15.24\00:00:17.45
verses 25 to 28.
00:00:17.45\00:00:20.18
And it reads, “Husbands love you
00:00:20.88\00:00:22.25
wives just as Christ loved the
00:00:22.25\00:00:24.02
church and gave Himself up for
00:00:24.02\00:00:25.79
her to make her holy, cleansing
00:00:25.79\00:00:27.82
her by washing-- by the washing
00:00:27.82\00:00:29.66
with water through the word and
00:00:29.66\00:00:31.69
to present her to Himself as a
00:00:31.69\00:00:33.33
radiant church without stain or
00:00:33.33\00:00:35.13
wrinkle or any other blemish,
00:00:35.13\00:00:37.10
but wholly and blameless.
00:00:37.10\00:00:38.67
In this same way, husbands ought
00:00:38.67\00:00:40.20
to love their wives as their
00:00:40.20\00:00:41.47
own bodies.
00:00:41.47\00:00:42.94
He who loves his wife
00:00:42.94\00:00:44.14
loves himself.”
00:00:44.14\00:00:45.61
¤¤
00:00:58.19\00:01:01.06
>> As we journey through some
00:05:53.11\00:05:54.78
hymns, we would like you to
00:05:54.78\00:05:56.92
reflect on how we are journeying
00:05:56.92\00:05:58.79
with Christ in our
00:05:58.79\00:06:00.29
relationships, in our marriages,
00:06:00.29\00:06:03.36
and most importantly, as a
00:06:03.36\00:06:04.63
collective body of Christ.
00:06:04.63\00:06:07.13
I invite you to stand.
00:06:07.13\00:06:08.56
>> Welcome to the third and
00:09:42.68\00:09:43.68
final installment of our series
00:09:43.68\00:09:46.48
entitled "How to Stay Married
00:09:46.48\00:09:48.18
Forever and Like It."
00:09:48.18\00:09:50.52
If you are guest with us, if
00:09:52.19\00:09:53.56
this is your first time, perhaps
00:09:53.56\00:09:54.82
here at Pioneer, just for this
00:09:54.82\00:09:55.89
series, I wanna say a very
00:09:55.89\00:09:57.06
special thank you for
00:09:57.06\00:09:57.96
being here.
00:09:57.96\00:09:58.59
We are so glad that you took the
00:09:58.66\00:09:59.69
time to come and to be a part of
00:09:59.69\00:10:02.23
our Saturday morning family
00:10:02.23\00:10:04.53
here.
00:10:04.53\00:10:05.33
This day that we call Sabbath,
00:10:05.33\00:10:06.60
we actually do this every single
00:10:06.60\00:10:08.04
weekend and you are welcome to
00:10:08.04\00:10:09.54
join us at any time in the
00:10:09.54\00:10:10.77
future.
00:10:10.77\00:10:11.64
Nine o'clock in the morning is
00:10:11.64\00:10:12.61
our first service, 10:45, of
00:10:12.61\00:10:14.21
course, is our second and...
00:10:14.21\00:10:16.48
Eleven-forty-five.
00:10:17.21\00:10:19.25
My wife-- thank you.
00:10:19.25\00:10:20.12
Yes, yes, yes.
00:10:20.12\00:10:21.22
Eleven-forty-five is our second
00:10:21.62\00:10:22.85
service and we would love to
00:10:22.85\00:10:24.35
have you come and join us again.
00:10:24.35\00:10:25.95
Consider this to be your
00:10:25.95\00:10:27.66
standing invitation to be a part
00:10:27.66\00:10:29.69
of our campus family here.
00:10:29.69\00:10:31.33
Also, if you have not yet
00:10:32.13\00:10:33.19
discovered it, if you have
00:10:33.19\00:10:34.50
appreciated what you've seen
00:10:34.50\00:10:35.60
over the last few Sabbaths here
00:10:35.60\00:10:36.97
or prior to that, good news,
00:10:36.97\00:10:38.73
there are recordings of these
00:10:38.73\00:10:40.24
that are archived with links off
00:10:40.24\00:10:42.37
of our website.
00:10:42.37\00:10:43.57
You can go to pmchurch.org,
00:10:43.57\00:10:46.24
that's pmchurch.org and you'll
00:10:46.24\00:10:48.24
find links there that will take
00:10:48.24\00:10:49.44
you to most any service that's
00:10:49.44\00:10:51.01
been done in the last...
00:10:51.01\00:10:53.01
...20 years?
00:10:53.98\00:10:54.75
I don't know.
00:10:54.75\00:10:55.35
It's been a long time, including
00:10:55.45\00:10:56.99
the last couple of weeks, if you
00:10:56.99\00:10:57.95
wish to pass those on
00:10:57.95\00:10:59.45
to other people.
00:10:59.45\00:11:00.32
Again, very glad that you've
00:11:00.32\00:11:02.02
chosen here to be with us.
00:11:02.02\00:11:03.63
Now, before we begin officially,
00:11:05.19\00:11:08.00
part three, there is one item
00:11:08.00\00:11:10.20
that I want to take a few
00:11:10.20\00:11:11.77
moments here to discuss, because
00:11:11.77\00:11:13.94
any time that there's a serious
00:11:13.94\00:11:15.47
discussion about marriage and
00:11:15.47\00:11:16.87
what makes it healthy, etc., the
00:11:16.87\00:11:18.81
question comes up what do you do
00:11:18.81\00:11:20.41
if you are the only one in a
00:11:20.41\00:11:22.68
marriage relationship that is
00:11:22.68\00:11:24.18
willing to work on the marriage?
00:11:24.18\00:11:26.25
If there's-- both of you are
00:11:26.88\00:11:28.28
working, the promises in God's
00:11:28.28\00:11:30.52
Word, the guarantees for
00:11:30.52\00:11:32.52
healthfulness in a marriage is
00:11:32.52\00:11:34.49
indeed dependent, it's
00:11:34.49\00:11:35.72
predicated on both husband and
00:11:35.72\00:11:37.73
wife being fully committed to
00:11:37.73\00:11:39.79
God and being willing to work
00:11:39.79\00:11:41.33
through the troubles that come.
00:11:41.33\00:11:42.96
But absent that, what do you do
00:11:42.96\00:11:46.84
if you are the only one willing
00:11:46.84\00:11:48.70
to work on the relationship?
00:11:48.70\00:11:50.57
You know, that could take an
00:11:51.77\00:11:52.67
entire sermon on its own.
00:11:52.67\00:11:54.24
We do not have that kind of
00:11:54.24\00:11:55.21
time, so I'm simply going to
00:11:55.21\00:11:56.58
offer three pieces of counsel
00:11:56.58\00:11:58.08
here very briefly before part
00:11:58.08\00:12:00.15
three.
00:12:00.15\00:12:01.02
And I do wanna make the same
00:12:01.42\00:12:02.62
caveat today that I did
00:12:02.62\00:12:04.22
last week.
00:12:04.22\00:12:05.39
If you are in an abusive
00:12:05.39\00:12:06.65
marriage, what I'm gonna say
00:12:06.65\00:12:08.92
here next almost certainly does
00:12:08.92\00:12:10.93
not apply to you.
00:12:10.93\00:12:12.39
Please do not try to make it
00:12:12.99\00:12:14.23
apply to you.
00:12:14.23\00:12:15.26
You need to find a safe place
00:12:15.26\00:12:16.93
and get help.
00:12:16.93\00:12:18.00
If your marriage is not abusive
00:12:19.27\00:12:21.90
but is not healthy and you are
00:12:21.90\00:12:24.51
the only one in the relationship
00:12:24.51\00:12:25.97
that is willing to work on it,
00:12:25.97\00:12:27.41
three things for you.
00:12:27.41\00:12:29.68
Number one, know that you are
00:12:30.31\00:12:32.91
not alone.
00:12:32.91\00:12:34.05
God has not abandoned you.
00:12:35.08\00:12:37.02
You are precious to Him, you are
00:12:37.02\00:12:38.52
the apple of His eye.
00:12:38.52\00:12:39.69
He loves you and He wants to
00:12:39.69\00:12:40.92
give you what you need to
00:12:40.92\00:12:42.16
endure.
00:12:42.16\00:12:43.09
Every tear that you have shed
00:12:43.53\00:12:44.73
has been marked by Jesus Christ
00:12:44.73\00:12:46.09
Himself.
00:12:46.09\00:12:46.83
Every ounce of pain that you
00:12:46.83\00:12:47.86
have endured, Jesus knows all
00:12:47.86\00:12:49.63
about it.
00:12:49.63\00:12:50.57
He cares for you, He loves you,
00:12:50.57\00:12:51.93
and He wants to give you what
00:12:51.93\00:12:53.03
you need to be able to make it
00:12:53.03\00:12:54.94
through.
00:12:54.94\00:12:55.84
Secondly, do all the good for
00:12:56.77\00:12:59.41
your spouse you know to do.
00:12:59.41\00:13:01.51
Do all the good for your spouse
00:13:02.48\00:13:04.15
you know to do.
00:13:04.15\00:13:05.35
Pray for them daily.
00:13:06.15\00:13:07.38
Do the things that have been
00:13:07.38\00:13:08.22
mentioned in this series,
00:13:08.22\00:13:09.18
particularly what we're gonna
00:13:09.18\00:13:10.25
talk about today, do them to the
00:13:10.25\00:13:11.49
best of your ability.
00:13:11.49\00:13:12.79
Some of them you will not be
00:13:12.79\00:13:13.99
able to do very well because it
00:13:13.99\00:13:15.69
takes two, but do the best that
00:13:15.69\00:13:17.73
you can, do all the good for
00:13:17.73\00:13:19.13
your spouse that you know to do.
00:13:19.13\00:13:21.53
And number three, remember that
00:13:21.53\00:13:24.47
marriage is not primarily about
00:13:24.47\00:13:26.80
your happiness, but preparing
00:13:26.80\00:13:29.07
you for God's kingdom.
00:13:29.07\00:13:30.64
Now, that may seem like a little
00:13:32.54\00:13:34.01
bit of a backhanded piece of
00:13:34.01\00:13:35.84
encouragement, huh?
00:13:35.84\00:13:37.08
In fact, some of you may know an
00:13:38.01\00:13:39.21
old saying.
00:13:39.21\00:13:40.58
It's been said in many ways,
00:13:40.58\00:13:41.85
this is just my paraphrase,
00:13:41.85\00:13:43.89
"If you have a healthy marriage,
00:13:43.89\00:13:46.15
you will have a lifetime of
00:13:46.15\00:13:47.26
happiness.
00:13:47.26\00:13:48.26
If you have an unhealthy
00:13:48.26\00:13:49.52
marriage, you will become a
00:13:49.52\00:13:50.83
philosopher."
00:13:50.83\00:13:51.83
And we chuckle because there is
00:13:54.13\00:13:55.50
some truth to this, and it is a
00:13:55.50\00:13:57.63
piece of truth that should not
00:13:57.63\00:13:58.97
be ignored.
00:13:58.97\00:14:00.04
Is happiness something that God
00:14:00.04\00:14:01.10
wants for your marriage?
00:14:01.10\00:14:02.34
Well, generally speaking, of
00:14:02.34\00:14:03.54
course.
00:14:03.54\00:14:04.54
But if happiness is not there
00:14:04.54\00:14:06.31
and your spouse is not willing
00:14:06.31\00:14:07.71
to work on things, I would
00:14:07.71\00:14:09.54
gently encourage you to listen
00:14:09.54\00:14:10.75
carefully to what God is trying
00:14:10.75\00:14:12.28
to say in the midst of your
00:14:12.28\00:14:13.88
marriage's troubles.
00:14:13.88\00:14:15.28
Hang in there.
00:14:15.75\00:14:17.15
Stick with it.
00:14:17.15\00:14:18.62
Don't leave.
00:14:18.62\00:14:20.06
Learn the lessons that God is
00:14:20.06\00:14:21.56
trying to teach you through
00:14:21.56\00:14:23.09
those difficulties.
00:14:23.09\00:14:24.46
Now, I do not say this lightly.
00:14:25.33\00:14:27.00
You know, sometimes this kind of
00:14:27.60\00:14:28.76
spiritual growth, when you're
00:14:28.76\00:14:30.60
trying to work on it, but you're
00:14:30.60\00:14:31.67
not getting any help from the
00:14:31.67\00:14:32.70
other side, this can be tough as
00:14:32.70\00:14:34.60
nails, it can hurt deeply,
00:14:34.60\00:14:36.27
it's hard.
00:14:36.27\00:14:37.27
But God knows what that kind of
00:14:39.34\00:14:41.68
suffering is like because He,
00:14:41.68\00:14:44.31
too, has loved people who have
00:14:44.31\00:14:46.01
not loved Him as they should
00:14:46.01\00:14:47.72
in return.
00:14:47.72\00:14:48.72
He knows all about it.
00:14:49.75\00:14:51.09
And if you are willing to learn
00:14:52.32\00:14:53.56
something deep from God, you
00:14:53.56\00:14:56.02
will find some things about Him
00:14:56.02\00:14:57.86
that are not accessible to other
00:14:57.86\00:14:59.53
people in other situations.
00:14:59.53\00:15:01.26
And when Christ soon returns to
00:15:01.26\00:15:02.56
this planet, your reward will be
00:15:02.56\00:15:04.53
rich indeed.
00:15:04.53\00:15:06.00
And I would be remiss
00:15:08.87\00:15:11.44
if I didn't also say this...
00:15:11.44\00:15:12.87
...if you are the spouse
00:15:14.88\00:15:15.84
listening right now who is
00:15:15.84\00:15:17.61
unwilling and you're here, or
00:15:17.61\00:15:20.75
perhaps you're listening to a
00:15:20.75\00:15:22.22
recording of this message, I
00:15:22.22\00:15:24.69
would gently invite you to
00:15:24.69\00:15:25.85
consider this: God only asks you
00:15:25.85\00:15:31.56
to be as gracious to your spouse
00:15:31.56\00:15:34.36
as He has been to you.
00:15:34.36\00:15:36.00
God only asks you to be as
00:15:37.83\00:15:39.57
gracious to your spouse as He
00:15:39.57\00:15:41.27
has been to you.
00:15:41.27\00:15:43.77
You know, some spouses are
00:15:43.77\00:15:45.07
terrible at marriage, it's just
00:15:45.07\00:15:46.41
a sad fact.
00:15:46.41\00:15:47.41
Maybe some of you listening
00:15:47.91\00:15:48.91
right now, you're in that boat.
00:15:48.91\00:15:50.21
You married a poor marriage
00:15:50.21\00:15:51.58
practitioner and you are tired
00:15:51.58\00:15:53.08
of it.
00:15:53.08\00:15:53.92
The things that they have said,
00:15:53.92\00:15:54.92
the trust that they have broken,
00:15:54.92\00:15:56.08
the hurt that they have brought
00:15:56.08\00:15:57.15
you, all this and much more has
00:15:57.15\00:15:58.92
been your reality and you are
00:15:58.92\00:16:00.39
tired of it, you have shut down,
00:16:00.39\00:16:02.39
you are done.
00:16:02.39\00:16:03.43
And to you I would say...
00:16:06.03\00:16:07.73
...I get it.
00:16:09.53\00:16:10.73
At least in part, I get it.
00:16:12.20\00:16:14.37
Not because of my own marriage,
00:16:15.44\00:16:18.07
but because as a child, this was
00:16:18.07\00:16:19.91
my reality, this is what I grew
00:16:19.91\00:16:21.68
up with.
00:16:21.68\00:16:22.68
And as a pastor, I have seen it
00:16:23.35\00:16:24.95
many times over the years.
00:16:24.95\00:16:26.75
And in light of that experience,
00:16:26.75\00:16:28.12
I would still just remind you
00:16:28.12\00:16:29.68
again, God only asks you to be
00:16:29.68\00:16:31.75
as gracious to your spouse as He
00:16:31.75\00:16:33.69
has been to you.
00:16:33.69\00:16:35.42
If you're not clear on what that
00:16:36.69\00:16:37.66
means, I would encourage you to
00:16:37.66\00:16:38.73
read, for instance, the book of
00:16:38.73\00:16:40.30
Mark in the New Testament.
00:16:40.30\00:16:42.30
See what Jesus did for you, see
00:16:42.30\00:16:44.67
what Jesus forgave you.
00:16:44.67\00:16:46.90
Pay particular attention to what
00:16:46.90\00:16:48.50
happened on the cross where
00:16:48.50\00:16:49.64
Jesus died.
00:16:49.64\00:16:50.64
You know, the Bible tells us
00:16:50.64\00:16:52.11
that very rarely will anyone die
00:16:52.11\00:16:54.38
for someone else, possibly for a
00:16:54.38\00:16:56.88
good man or a good woman someone
00:16:56.88\00:16:58.71
might dare to die, but God has
00:16:58.71\00:17:00.88
shown His love for us in this.
00:17:00.88\00:17:02.95
While we were still in active
00:17:02.95\00:17:05.29
rebellion against Him, Jesus
00:17:05.29\00:17:07.29
Christ died that we might live.
00:17:07.29\00:17:09.82
That's how gracious God is
00:17:11.79\00:17:13.36
calling you to be.
00:17:13.36\00:17:14.56
Only as much as Christ has been
00:17:15.23\00:17:17.57
with you.
00:17:17.57\00:17:18.57
So please, I would gently
00:17:20.04\00:17:22.00
challenge you...
00:17:22.00\00:17:23.17
...consider forgiving.
00:17:24.07\00:17:25.34
Consider getting back
00:17:26.44\00:17:27.48
in the game.
00:17:27.48\00:17:28.48
Consider saying to your spouse,
00:17:29.11\00:17:30.61
"Okay, let's try something
00:17:30.61\00:17:31.68
different this time."
00:17:31.68\00:17:33.38
Go see a Christian counselor.
00:17:33.38\00:17:35.35
Anyone can keep their problems
00:17:35.35\00:17:36.95
to themselves, but God didn't
00:17:36.95\00:17:38.35
make you to be just anyone, God
00:17:38.35\00:17:40.22
called you to be His son, He
00:17:40.22\00:17:41.39
called you to be His daughter.
00:17:41.39\00:17:43.43
Find a counselor, find someone
00:17:43.43\00:17:44.83
you can both agree on who can
00:17:44.83\00:17:46.16
help and let them help.
00:17:46.16\00:17:47.73
A healthy marriage can still be
00:17:47.73\00:17:49.63
within your grasp, and if you
00:17:49.63\00:17:51.50
find a healthy marriage, you
00:17:51.50\00:17:53.84
will not regret the effort it
00:17:53.84\00:17:55.74
took to get it.
00:17:55.74\00:17:57.01
So don't give up.
00:17:58.21\00:17:59.47
God is calling you.
00:18:00.18\00:18:01.71
Good things can still happen.
00:18:01.71\00:18:03.81
And now for our main topic for
00:18:07.45\00:18:08.68
today.
00:18:08.68\00:18:09.62
Many years ago I read an article
00:18:12.99\00:18:15.89
and if I still have this
00:18:15.89\00:18:17.29
article, it is still buried in
00:18:17.29\00:18:18.53
the same place as my wedding
00:18:18.53\00:18:19.73
pictures are somewhere in the
00:18:19.73\00:18:21.30
strata of my basement, okay, so
00:18:21.30\00:18:22.76
I don't have it here with me,
00:18:22.76\00:18:24.53
but it made quite an impression
00:18:24.53\00:18:25.90
on my mind.
00:18:25.90\00:18:26.70
I remember it, it was a party
00:18:26.70\00:18:29.10
that took place in New York
00:18:29.10\00:18:30.51
City.
00:18:30.51\00:18:31.51
I believe it was sponsored by
00:18:31.51\00:18:32.74
the mayor's office.
00:18:32.74\00:18:33.71
The invitation was sent out.
00:18:33.71\00:18:34.68
Any resident of New York City
00:18:34.68\00:18:36.54
that has been married 50 years
00:18:36.54\00:18:39.28
or longer, they were all invited
00:18:39.28\00:18:42.52
to come to this celebration.
00:18:42.52\00:18:44.59
I mean, what a great idea,
00:18:44.59\00:18:45.75
right?
00:18:45.75\00:18:46.59
I mean, can you imagine being at
00:18:46.59\00:18:48.26
that particular festival?
00:18:48.26\00:18:49.32
You know, we would assume they
00:18:49.32\00:18:51.09
are older folk, probably not
00:18:51.09\00:18:52.26
many 30 year olds that
00:18:52.26\00:18:53.23
qualified, aright?
00:18:53.23\00:18:54.30
So they're all there, and any
00:18:54.30\00:18:56.20
four people there, two couples,
00:18:56.20\00:18:58.40
guaranteed to have at least a
00:18:58.40\00:18:59.73
century of marital experience.
00:18:59.73\00:19:02.20
Wow!
00:19:02.64\00:19:03.67
I mean, that's astonishing!
00:19:03.67\00:19:04.94
All there in one place.
00:19:04.94\00:19:06.07
There were dozens and dozens and
00:19:06.07\00:19:07.08
dozens of them that were there.
00:19:07.08\00:19:08.81
And, you know, I read the
00:19:08.81\00:19:09.81
article, it was very engaging,
00:19:09.81\00:19:11.18
you see the pictures, you know,
00:19:11.18\00:19:12.18
happy couples talking there.
00:19:12.18\00:19:13.55
The one outstanding impression
00:19:14.28\00:19:17.82
that I left reading that article
00:19:17.82\00:19:19.32
with was this:
00:19:19.32\00:19:21.72
I wanna be there.
00:19:23.02\00:19:24.66
Someday I want to deserve an
00:19:26.70\00:19:29.40
invitation to that party.
00:19:29.40\00:19:31.03
Now, I pray that we're not on
00:19:32.70\00:19:33.84
the planet long enough for that
00:19:33.84\00:19:35.10
to happen, right?
00:19:35.10\00:19:36.27
We're coming up on 29 years here
00:19:36.27\00:19:37.61
so, you know, 50 is still a
00:19:37.61\00:19:39.01
little bit off.
00:19:39.01\00:19:39.64
I would much prefer to be in
00:19:39.64\00:19:41.08
heaven, amen?
00:19:41.08\00:19:42.08
But if it were to happen, I
00:19:42.71\00:19:44.25
would wanna get an invitation, I
00:19:44.25\00:19:45.58
would want to make it all the
00:19:45.58\00:19:47.45
way there towards the end
00:19:47.45\00:19:48.92
of my life.
00:19:48.92\00:19:50.09
I would want to be still married
00:19:50.09\00:19:53.66
to my wife.
00:19:53.66\00:19:54.79
So what does it take
00:19:57.06\00:19:58.66
to get there?
00:19:58.66\00:19:59.63
What do couples do that have
00:20:00.46\00:20:02.60
made it so-- they make it all
00:20:02.60\00:20:03.93
the way there to the end?
00:20:03.93\00:20:05.10
What do couples do
00:20:06.17\00:20:07.80
to make that happen?
00:20:07.80\00:20:09.10
Well, let's do some digging.
00:20:11.44\00:20:12.71
Take your Bible, please, and
00:20:13.27\00:20:14.14
take a look at Ephesians
00:20:14.14\00:20:14.98
chapter 5, verse 25.
00:20:14.98\00:20:16.68
Page 789 in the pew Bible that's
00:20:16.68\00:20:19.01
there somewhere nearby you.
00:20:19.01\00:20:20.55
It's page 789, Ephesians
00:20:20.55\00:20:22.58
chapter 5, verse 25.
00:20:22.58\00:20:24.05
We're gonna to reread the
00:20:24.05\00:20:26.39
scripture that Pastor Prescott
00:20:26.39\00:20:27.59
read so ably here just a few
00:20:27.59\00:20:28.62
moments ago, we wanna solidify
00:20:28.62\00:20:30.09
this in your mind.
00:20:30.09\00:20:31.53
Ephesians chapter 5, beginning
00:20:31.53\00:20:33.16
with verse 25.
00:20:33.16\00:20:35.00
You see, there is an overarching
00:20:35.76\00:20:37.87
principle that if you can
00:20:37.87\00:20:39.67
remember it, you have an
00:20:39.67\00:20:41.04
excellent chance of making it
00:20:41.04\00:20:42.74
all the way to the finish line
00:20:42.74\00:20:44.37
happily married forever to the
00:20:44.37\00:20:46.31
same person.
00:20:46.31\00:20:47.41
In fact, if you forget
00:20:48.31\00:20:49.08
everything else in this series,
00:20:49.08\00:20:49.98
but you remember this one
00:20:49.98\00:20:51.21
overarching principle, you will
00:20:51.21\00:20:53.15
be doing well.
00:20:53.15\00:20:54.08
It is to be the biggest tool in
00:20:54.08\00:20:56.35
your marriage toolbox.
00:20:56.35\00:20:57.69
Here it is.
00:20:57.69\00:20:58.25
Ephesians chapter 5, beginning
00:20:58.35\00:20:59.25
with verse 25.
00:20:59.25\00:21:00.52
"Husbands," it says, "love your
00:21:01.46\00:21:03.73
wives."
00:21:03.73\00:21:05.13
And we might say, "How much?
00:21:05.13\00:21:07.00
How much love is that?"
00:21:07.00\00:21:08.66
Answer: "Just as Christ loved
00:21:08.66\00:21:12.30
the church," wow, "and gave
00:21:12.30\00:21:15.20
Himself up for her to make her
00:21:15.20\00:21:17.21
holy, cleansing her by the
00:21:17.21\00:21:18.81
washing with water through the
00:21:18.81\00:21:20.21
word, to present her to Himself
00:21:20.21\00:21:22.41
as a radiant church without
00:21:22.41\00:21:23.58
stain or wrinkle or any other
00:21:23.58\00:21:24.78
blemish, but holy and blameless.
00:21:24.78\00:21:26.95
In this same way, husbands ought
00:21:26.95\00:21:29.95
to love their wives as their own
00:21:29.95\00:21:32.82
bodies."
00:21:32.82\00:21:33.82
Wow!
00:21:34.62\00:21:35.72
Let me put this on the screen
00:21:37.46\00:21:38.33
for you.
00:21:38.33\00:21:39.13
The foundational principle for
00:21:39.96\00:21:41.56
reaching the finish line, for
00:21:41.56\00:21:43.16
being married forever and liking
00:21:43.16\00:21:44.83
it is to serve your spouse as
00:21:44.83\00:21:47.67
Christ served the church.
00:21:47.67\00:21:50.27
To serve your spouse as Christ
00:21:51.47\00:21:54.11
served the church.
00:21:54.11\00:21:55.91
Any lesser example, you might
00:21:56.78\00:21:58.91
have some success, but if you
00:21:58.91\00:22:00.48
want to aim for the top, if you
00:22:00.48\00:22:01.62
want to aim happily married
00:22:01.62\00:22:03.39
forever and liking it, aim for
00:22:03.39\00:22:05.65
the prime example.
00:22:05.65\00:22:06.99
Serve your spouse as Christ
00:22:06.99\00:22:08.69
served the church.
00:22:08.69\00:22:09.92
Again, marriage is not primarily
00:22:09.92\00:22:12.33
about our own personal happiness
00:22:12.33\00:22:14.30
or our love life, etc., it is a
00:22:14.30\00:22:16.36
tool to prepare us for God's
00:22:16.36\00:22:18.50
kingdom.
00:22:18.50\00:22:19.50
Marriage is a school, it is a
00:22:20.10\00:22:21.77
learning environment that God
00:22:21.77\00:22:23.34
has graciously created so that
00:22:23.34\00:22:25.37
we can understand what it means
00:22:25.37\00:22:27.31
not just to be in relationship
00:22:27.31\00:22:28.61
with another person, but most of
00:22:28.61\00:22:30.11
all to be in a relationship
00:22:30.11\00:22:31.58
with Him.
00:22:31.58\00:22:32.58
This is why the Bible puts so
00:22:33.58\00:22:35.42
much strong counsel for strong
00:22:35.42\00:22:37.59
marriages that we might be
00:22:37.59\00:22:40.99
satisfied with our spouses, that
00:22:40.99\00:22:42.82
we might experience happiness
00:22:42.82\00:22:44.66
with them till death, and not
00:22:44.66\00:22:47.13
merely that for ourselves, but
00:22:47.13\00:22:48.66
that we will literally get a
00:22:48.66\00:22:49.96
foretaste of heaven.
00:22:49.96\00:22:51.50
This is why God has given us
00:22:51.50\00:22:53.23
marriage.
00:22:53.23\00:22:54.47
So if you want to reach the
00:22:54.47\00:22:55.74
finish line with a happy
00:22:55.74\00:22:57.14
marriage, serve your spouse as
00:22:57.14\00:22:59.51
Christ served the church.
00:22:59.51\00:23:01.44
And you might be thinking,
00:23:02.04\00:23:02.81
"Well, Pastor Shane, how do we
00:23:02.81\00:23:04.31
do that?"
00:23:04.31\00:23:05.05
Alright, is anybody wondering
00:23:05.51\00:23:06.58
that?
00:23:06.58\00:23:07.32
Thank you, someone is tracking.
00:23:10.15\00:23:11.55
Yes. Okay, okay.
00:23:11.55\00:23:12.32
Since you asked the question,
00:23:12.32\00:23:13.56
let me tell you.
00:23:13.56\00:23:14.32
Two keys, two key ways to serve
00:23:14.32\00:23:18.06
your spouse as Christ served
00:23:18.06\00:23:20.06
the church.
00:23:20.06\00:23:21.03
Key number one, Ephesians
00:23:21.80\00:23:23.83
chapter 4, verse 26.
00:23:23.83\00:23:25.90
Just turn back one page from
00:23:25.90\00:23:27.10
where you just were.
00:23:27.10\00:23:28.47
Ephesians chapter 4, page 788,
00:23:28.47\00:23:32.34
verse 26, short verse here,
00:23:32.34\00:23:35.21
but a good one.
00:23:35.21\00:23:36.58
It says, "In your anger
00:23:37.21\00:23:40.48
do not sin."
00:23:40.48\00:23:42.62
Hmm, "In your anger, do not sin,
00:23:42.62\00:23:45.32
do not let the sun go down while
00:23:45.32\00:23:48.36
you are still angry."
00:23:48.36\00:23:50.79
Now, some couples have taken a
00:23:54.00\00:23:55.20
rather wooden approach to this
00:23:55.20\00:23:56.53
particular counsel, and they
00:23:56.53\00:23:58.23
have said that after sundown you
00:23:58.23\00:24:00.07
can't argue, but any time before
00:24:00.07\00:24:01.64
that is open season, okay?
00:24:01.64\00:24:03.91
[laughter]
00:24:03.91\00:24:05.04
And I would like to think that
00:24:05.61\00:24:07.38
the Bible is actually getting to
00:24:07.38\00:24:08.78
a more powerful and practical
00:24:08.78\00:24:10.61
practice here and it is the
00:24:10.61\00:24:13.28
first key to reaching the finish
00:24:13.28\00:24:15.35
line with a happy marriage.
00:24:15.35\00:24:16.79
If you want to serve your spouse
00:24:16.79\00:24:18.22
as Christ served the church, key
00:24:18.22\00:24:20.59
number one, deal with marital
00:24:20.59\00:24:22.92
conflict effectively.
00:24:22.92\00:24:24.59
Deal with marital conflict
00:24:26.13\00:24:28.40
effectively.
00:24:28.40\00:24:29.40
A story.
00:24:31.03\00:24:31.93
And I need to tell you right at
00:24:32.57\00:24:33.77
the beginning of the story, I
00:24:33.77\00:24:35.14
have permission
00:24:35.14\00:24:37.04
to tell this story.
00:24:37.04\00:24:39.01
Okay?
00:24:39.01\00:24:40.34
You'll see why I give that
00:24:40.34\00:24:41.48
caveat in just a few moments.
00:24:41.48\00:24:42.94
It was probably, I think we'd
00:24:43.55\00:24:44.78
been married for about three
00:24:44.78\00:24:45.91
years or so, we were living here
00:24:45.91\00:24:47.32
in Berrien Springs out on Lake
00:24:47.32\00:24:48.65
Chapin Road.
00:24:48.65\00:24:49.65
Being a seminary students, we
00:24:50.19\00:24:51.32
had a really nice house, okay?
00:24:51.32\00:24:53.56
And for those of you who don't
00:24:54.06\00:24:55.52
know, that's a complete and
00:24:55.52\00:24:56.46
total joke, alright?
00:24:56.46\00:24:57.26
We were poor, I was on seminary
00:24:57.26\00:24:59.73
stipend, etc.
00:24:59.73\00:25:00.96
We were very enthralled with our
00:25:00.96\00:25:02.40
house though.
00:25:02.40\00:25:03.20
It was dirt cheap and looked it,
00:25:03.20\00:25:04.80
okay?
00:25:04.80\00:25:05.83
It was, in fact, such a good
00:25:05.83\00:25:07.30
house that there was one more
00:25:07.30\00:25:08.74
tenant after us and then, no
00:25:08.74\00:25:10.21
joke, they bulldozed it into the
00:25:10.21\00:25:11.67
basement, covered it over and
00:25:11.67\00:25:12.71
walked away.
00:25:12.71\00:25:13.91
So this was a good place, but
00:25:14.78\00:25:15.98
truly we were very grateful
00:25:15.98\00:25:17.05
for it.
00:25:17.05\00:25:17.61
It definitely served our needs
00:25:17.71\00:25:18.71
and the price was right.
00:25:18.71\00:25:20.32
To help supplement things, my
00:25:20.32\00:25:21.75
wife, who's a nurse, was working
00:25:21.75\00:25:23.82
float pool and that can be
00:25:23.82\00:25:27.99
arduous.
00:25:27.99\00:25:29.22
I mean, you never quite know
00:25:29.22\00:25:30.06
exactly where it is you're gonna
00:25:30.06\00:25:31.23
be, what floor you're gonna
00:25:31.23\00:25:32.29
be on, the hours that you'll
00:25:32.29\00:25:33.56
be working, it can be really
00:25:33.56\00:25:34.93
challenging.
00:25:34.93\00:25:35.93
She had gone for a string, many
00:25:35.93\00:25:37.83
days of doing oddball things and
00:25:37.83\00:25:39.97
moving from floor to floor.
00:25:39.97\00:25:41.47
She came home one night and she
00:25:41.47\00:25:42.70
was absolutely exhausted.
00:25:42.70\00:25:44.74
Now, my wife is generally
00:25:45.94\00:25:47.98
speaking an angel, okay?
00:25:47.98\00:25:50.05
It's me that has the trouble,
00:25:50.05\00:25:51.21
alright?
00:25:51.21\00:25:52.21
This occasion, she was
00:25:52.81\00:25:53.85
absolutely dog tired, she rolls
00:25:53.85\00:25:55.78
into bed, she says, "Hey, come
00:25:55.78\00:25:57.39
and tell me goodnight."
00:25:57.39\00:25:58.15
So I go in to the room and an
00:25:58.15\00:25:59.85
issue comes up.
00:25:59.85\00:26:01.26
Now, I wish I could tell you
00:26:03.66\00:26:05.29
what the issue was, but neither
00:26:05.29\00:26:07.03
of us can recall.
00:26:07.03\00:26:08.26
It was so important we forgot.
00:26:08.26\00:26:10.17
And so what we're talking about
00:26:11.53\00:26:12.77
this and in my mind's eye, this
00:26:12.77\00:26:14.77
was a very small thing and so I
00:26:14.77\00:26:16.17
mentioned something, "Well, hey,
00:26:16.17\00:26:16.97
what about, you know, just
00:26:16.97\00:26:17.87
before you go to sleep, what do
00:26:17.87\00:26:18.77
you think about, should we do
00:26:18.77\00:26:19.57
thus and such?"
00:26:19.57\00:26:20.41
And she bristled.
00:26:21.18\00:26:22.31
Said, "Well, no, I don't think
00:26:22.84\00:26:24.28
we should do that."
00:26:24.28\00:26:25.08
"Well, I mean, it's not a big
00:26:25.08\00:26:26.05
deal, but--"
00:26:26.05\00:26:26.78
"Well, no, I think it is a
00:26:26.78\00:26:27.55
big deal!"
00:26:27.55\00:26:28.32
And this thing just starts to
00:26:28.32\00:26:29.32
ratchet up, I mean, "Whoa,
00:26:29.32\00:26:30.75
hold on!
00:26:30.75\00:26:31.39
You know, I'm looking at my
00:26:31.39\00:26:32.19
watch, this is too late, I mean,
00:26:32.19\00:26:33.25
what's going on?
00:26:33.25\00:26:34.19
And I'm thinking she's really,
00:26:34.69\00:26:35.66
really tired and she is not
00:26:35.66\00:26:37.39
slowing down.
00:26:37.39\00:26:38.43
And finally she says, "I am done
00:26:38.99\00:26:41.36
talking about this," and she
00:26:41.36\00:26:42.76
reaches over and she turns the
00:26:42.76\00:26:44.50
light out and pulls the covers
00:26:44.50\00:26:45.87
over her head.
00:26:45.87\00:26:46.94
Being an intuitive husband...
00:26:52.44\00:26:54.28
...I sensed that something
00:26:57.31\00:26:58.38
was wrong.
00:26:58.38\00:26:59.31
[laughter]
00:26:59.31\00:27:01.38
And I thought to myself, "You
00:27:02.95\00:27:04.12
know, the odds of fixing this
00:27:04.12\00:27:05.52
one seem pretty low right now.
00:27:05.52\00:27:07.66
I think I'll just leave the
00:27:07.66\00:27:09.46
room."
00:27:09.46\00:27:10.46
And I did.
00:27:12.36\00:27:13.50
Closed the bedroom door behind
00:27:14.10\00:27:15.10
me, I went out in the living
00:27:15.10\00:27:15.96
room where my desk was, and I
00:27:15.96\00:27:18.03
started to try to focus on my
00:27:18.03\00:27:20.30
seminary homework again.
00:27:20.30\00:27:21.70
Alright, time out for a moment.
00:27:23.91\00:27:25.37
You need to know something about
00:27:26.81\00:27:27.74
the significance of what had
00:27:27.74\00:27:28.98
just happened in the story.
00:27:28.98\00:27:30.35
You know, my wife and I
00:27:30.88\00:27:31.91
subscribe to the biblical idea
00:27:31.91\00:27:33.48
that a husband is the priest of
00:27:33.48\00:27:35.02
his home.
00:27:35.02\00:27:35.88
Now, some of you go apoplectic
00:27:36.72\00:27:38.99
with me, even mentioning that
00:27:38.99\00:27:40.42
particular phrase.
00:27:40.42\00:27:41.29
So let me quickly say, I know
00:27:41.29\00:27:42.99
that this has been abused
00:27:42.99\00:27:44.13
many a time.
00:27:44.13\00:27:45.26
So let me be clear about what
00:27:45.26\00:27:46.36
that means in my household,
00:27:46.36\00:27:48.16
okay, in our household.
00:27:48.16\00:27:49.66
The husband is a priest, and
00:27:50.43\00:27:51.47
that means among other things,
00:27:51.47\00:27:52.83
that he has to serve his wife
00:27:52.83\00:27:54.40
sacrificially.
00:27:54.40\00:27:55.77
In the Old Testament, if you
00:27:56.34\00:27:57.17
read in the Bible, priests would
00:27:57.17\00:27:59.11
offer sacrifices according to
00:27:59.11\00:28:00.74
the mandates of the law.
00:28:00.74\00:28:01.81
So they, you know, offer a sheep
00:28:01.81\00:28:02.84
or a goat or doves, whatever the
00:28:02.84\00:28:04.41
case might be, right?
00:28:04.41\00:28:05.81
In a "New Testament marriage,"
00:28:06.65\00:28:07.82
if I can use that phrase, the
00:28:07.82\00:28:09.58
husband is the priest, but he
00:28:09.58\00:28:10.59
doesn't offer those kinds of
00:28:10.59\00:28:11.79
sacrifices, the only sacrifice
00:28:11.79\00:28:13.42
he offers is himself...
00:28:13.42\00:28:14.79
...on behalf of his wife.
00:28:16.26\00:28:18.09
He has to give himself up for
00:28:18.09\00:28:19.66
her to make sure, listen
00:28:19.66\00:28:21.33
carefully here, to make sure
00:28:21.33\00:28:23.16
that she has what she needs for
00:28:23.16\00:28:25.70
God's will to be done
00:28:25.70\00:28:26.80
in her life.
00:28:26.80\00:28:27.80
Not my will, but God's will.
00:28:28.44\00:28:31.91
Because I serve Him, therefore,
00:28:32.57\00:28:34.18
I serve her.
00:28:34.18\00:28:35.28
That is a big part of what it
00:28:36.18\00:28:37.15
means to be the priest
00:28:37.15\00:28:38.38
in one's home.
00:28:38.38\00:28:39.71
I am to sacrifice my life for
00:28:39.71\00:28:41.18
her, spiritually always,
00:28:41.18\00:28:42.82
physically, if necessary.
00:28:42.82\00:28:44.19
And in our relationship, part of
00:28:44.19\00:28:45.69
this priestly duty meant for me
00:28:45.69\00:28:47.12
to be a backstop.
00:28:47.12\00:28:48.62
If, for some reason my wife or
00:28:48.62\00:28:50.19
family members stumble, it is my
00:28:50.19\00:28:51.79
task to do all that I can to
00:28:51.79\00:28:53.40
stand firm, and for us, that
00:28:53.40\00:28:55.03
included making sure that
00:28:55.03\00:28:56.83
disagreements were settled in
00:28:56.83\00:28:58.43
our favor.
00:28:58.43\00:28:59.70
Not in mine, but for the health
00:29:00.57\00:29:03.20
of our marriage, even if one of
00:29:03.20\00:29:05.97
us felt like giving up.
00:29:05.97\00:29:08.21
For the first time in our
00:29:11.21\00:29:12.35
relationship, we dated for over
00:29:12.35\00:29:13.58
four years before we got
00:29:13.58\00:29:14.42
married, we're about married
00:29:14.42\00:29:15.78
year number three at this point,
00:29:15.78\00:29:17.02
so about seven years.
00:29:17.02\00:29:18.25
For the first time, I had walked
00:29:18.25\00:29:20.72
away without seeing the end of a
00:29:20.72\00:29:23.83
disagreement.
00:29:23.83\00:29:24.86
Alright, time in.
00:29:28.16\00:29:29.30
I'm sitting there at my desk,
00:29:30.27\00:29:31.20
I'm trying to read and write and
00:29:31.20\00:29:32.60
try to focus my mind, not quite
00:29:32.60\00:29:34.64
sure exactly what just happened.
00:29:34.64\00:29:36.30
And about 5 minutes later, the
00:29:37.91\00:29:40.44
bedroom door creaked open.
00:29:40.44\00:29:41.88
Now, every door in that house
00:29:43.35\00:29:44.45
creaked when it opened, right?
00:29:44.45\00:29:46.05
But this was the nearest one and
00:29:46.92\00:29:48.45
I knew it was the bedroom door
00:29:48.45\00:29:49.82
and a very bleary-eyed Darlene
00:29:49.82\00:29:51.79
sticks her head out and she says
00:29:51.79\00:29:54.19
to me...
00:29:54.19\00:29:55.19
"Aren't you going to finish it?"
00:29:57.36\00:29:58.99
You see, not only was I worried
00:30:02.60\00:30:03.80
about what had just happened and
00:30:03.80\00:30:05.57
the newness of that scenario,
00:30:05.57\00:30:08.37
she too, even in her exhaustion,
00:30:08.37\00:30:11.81
was thinking, "Wait a second,
00:30:11.81\00:30:13.24
why...
00:30:13.24\00:30:14.24
I mean, this is, this is new.
00:30:14.24\00:30:15.98
He left.
00:30:16.71\00:30:17.71
What does that mean?"
00:30:18.61\00:30:20.12
And I said,
00:30:22.72\00:30:24.62
"Oh, uh...
00:30:24.62\00:30:26.29
...sure."
00:30:27.19\00:30:28.32
Let's...let's finish this."
00:30:28.32\00:30:31.43
I came back in and I sat on the
00:30:32.06\00:30:33.29
bed and it probably took us no
00:30:33.29\00:30:34.73
more than four or five minutes
00:30:34.73\00:30:35.96
to solve this issue.
00:30:35.96\00:30:37.93
And kissed her goodnight and
00:30:38.43\00:30:40.54
went outside in a very different
00:30:40.54\00:30:43.07
frame of mind to work on my
00:30:43.07\00:30:45.94
homework this time.
00:30:45.94\00:30:47.18
It is so important...
00:30:52.38\00:30:55.78
...that every married couple
00:30:57.02\00:30:59.92
learn how to reslove conflict
00:30:59.92\00:31:02.49
effectively.
00:31:02.49\00:31:03.53
Because if you don't, scenarios
00:31:05.56\00:31:08.96
just like that one that my wife
00:31:08.96\00:31:11.07
and I had, will happen to you
00:31:11.07\00:31:13.23
sooner or later, but if you
00:31:13.23\00:31:15.54
don't know how to resolve them,
00:31:15.54\00:31:17.07
or if you don't think it's
00:31:17.07\00:31:18.14
important that you resolve them,
00:31:18.14\00:31:20.18
trouble will come your way.
00:31:20.18\00:31:23.11
You see, the Bible says, "Don't
00:31:23.98\00:31:24.85
let the sun go down on
00:31:24.85\00:31:25.91
your anger."
00:31:25.91\00:31:26.65
In other words, resolve it,
00:31:26.65\00:31:27.88
fix it.
00:31:27.88\00:31:28.48
Don't just let it fester.
00:31:28.48\00:31:30.12
You see, unresolved conflict in
00:31:30.12\00:31:31.62
a marriage relationship is like
00:31:31.62\00:31:32.95
cancer.
00:31:32.95\00:31:33.86
If it goes underground, if it's
00:31:34.39\00:31:36.06
unresolved, if you just think,
00:31:36.06\00:31:37.29
"Well, hey, we'll go to bed and
00:31:37.29\00:31:38.33
we'll sleep on it and the next
00:31:38.33\00:31:39.49
day everything will be fine."
00:31:39.49\00:31:40.66
No, it won't.
00:31:40.66\00:31:41.73
The cancer will still be there
00:31:42.30\00:31:43.67
and if you do not attend to it,
00:31:43.67\00:31:45.07
it will metastasize and
00:31:45.07\00:31:46.63
eventually it will destroy the
00:31:46.63\00:31:48.64
marriage body.
00:31:48.64\00:31:49.60
So don't let it happen to you.
00:31:50.94\00:31:53.31
And you might be thinking,
00:31:54.94\00:31:55.84
"Well, so what are ten effective
00:31:55.84\00:31:58.31
ways that you could solve
00:31:58.31\00:31:59.78
conflict in marriage?"
00:31:59.78\00:32:01.15
If you thought that, that's
00:32:02.35\00:32:03.22
amazing.
00:32:03.22\00:32:04.15
And good news, I happen to have
00:32:04.69\00:32:06.25
ten things that I'm gonna share
00:32:06.25\00:32:07.26
with you.
00:32:07.26\00:32:08.09
This is a speed round, we're
00:32:08.09\00:32:09.09
gonna move very quickly.
00:32:09.09\00:32:10.39
These are ten very practical
00:32:10.39\00:32:11.69
tips for resolving conflict
00:32:11.69\00:32:13.06
effectively in marriage.
00:32:13.06\00:32:14.56
Some of you were driving to
00:32:14.56\00:32:15.46
church today and saying to
00:32:15.46\00:32:16.30
yourselves, "Oh, I hope he
00:32:16.30\00:32:17.37
doesn't give us anything that we
00:32:17.37\00:32:18.60
can use today."
00:32:18.60\00:32:20.10
You're about to be disappointed,
00:32:20.10\00:32:21.37
okay, because this is very
00:32:21.37\00:32:22.80
practical stuff.
00:32:22.80\00:32:23.61
Are you ready?
00:32:23.61\00:32:24.44
Here we go.
00:32:24.44\00:32:25.57
Practical ways, ten tips for
00:32:25.57\00:32:26.94
resolving conflicts effectively
00:32:26.94\00:32:28.51
in marriage.
00:32:28.51\00:32:29.21
Number one: Talk.
00:32:29.21\00:32:30.71
We talked about this last week,
00:32:31.48\00:32:32.75
I'm not gonna say much
00:32:32.75\00:32:33.45
about it now.
00:32:33.45\00:32:34.08
The silent treatment is for
00:32:34.08\00:32:35.22
little kids in elementary
00:32:35.22\00:32:36.15
school, you are now in the big
00:32:36.15\00:32:37.32
leagues, you are married, okay?
00:32:37.32\00:32:38.75
You need to talk about this.
00:32:38.75\00:32:40.02
If you're too hot under the
00:32:40.02\00:32:40.96
collar, by all means, take a
00:32:40.96\00:32:42.26
break, step out of the room for
00:32:42.26\00:32:43.19
a moment, get some fresh air,
00:32:43.19\00:32:44.79
prayerfully think about it, come
00:32:44.79\00:32:45.93
back and talk about it because
00:32:45.93\00:32:47.40
talking is generally how these
00:32:47.40\00:32:49.23
things are resolved.
00:32:49.23\00:32:50.73
Number two: Avoid emotional
00:32:50.73\00:32:53.00
reasoning.
00:32:53.00\00:32:53.67
You say, "What's that about?"
00:32:53.67\00:32:54.54
Well, the reason why most
00:32:54.54\00:32:56.34
divorces happen is because
00:32:56.34\00:32:58.61
people feel like that's the
00:32:58.61\00:33:00.58
right thing to do.
00:33:00.58\00:33:02.11
The reason why most conflicts in
00:33:02.11\00:33:03.24
marriage happen is because
00:33:03.24\00:33:04.51
people feel that's how things
00:33:04.51\00:33:06.45
ought to be.
00:33:06.45\00:33:07.62
Now, feelings are important,
00:33:07.62\00:33:09.15
there's no doubt about that,
00:33:09.15\00:33:10.95
but feelings are like the spice
00:33:10.95\00:33:12.62
of life.
00:33:12.62\00:33:13.52
If you have an entire plate of
00:33:13.52\00:33:15.19
spice, you will get sick, okay?
00:33:15.19\00:33:17.79
So while feelings are important,
00:33:18.59\00:33:20.66
we need to think carefully when
00:33:20.66\00:33:21.83
we get into conflict with our
00:33:21.83\00:33:23.30
spouse.
00:33:23.30\00:33:23.93
So notice this, when you get
00:33:23.93\00:33:25.30
into conflict with your spouse,
00:33:25.30\00:33:26.80
the next time this happens
00:33:26.80\00:33:27.70
before you open your mouth,
00:33:27.70\00:33:30.51
ask yourself the question, if I
00:33:30.51\00:33:32.31
didn't feel the way I do right
00:33:32.31\00:33:34.38
now, would I respond to my
00:33:34.38\00:33:36.71
spouse in the way I am about to?
00:33:36.71\00:33:38.95
You might be thinking, "Well,
00:33:41.85\00:33:42.72
Pastor Shane, that's why I would
00:33:42.72\00:33:43.92
respond in the first place at
00:33:43.92\00:33:45.19
all, is because I feel
00:33:45.19\00:33:46.12
a certain way."
00:33:46.12\00:33:46.82
Yeah, exactly right.
00:33:46.82\00:33:48.19
Feelings are important, but they
00:33:48.69\00:33:50.09
should not determine how you
00:33:50.09\00:33:52.33
ultimately treat your spouse or
00:33:52.33\00:33:53.86
how you ultimately resolve a
00:33:53.86\00:33:55.16
conflict.
00:33:55.16\00:33:56.16
We are instead called to resolve
00:33:57.63\00:33:58.83
things according to the
00:33:58.83\00:33:59.80
principles of God's Word, the
00:33:59.80\00:34:01.20
Bible, principles of love,
00:34:01.20\00:34:03.10
principles of compassion,
00:34:03.10\00:34:04.84
principles of...
00:34:04.84\00:34:06.14
Tip number three: Seek first to
00:34:07.84\00:34:10.38
understand and then to be
00:34:10.38\00:34:12.15
understood.
00:34:12.15\00:34:13.52
Seek first to understand and
00:34:13.52\00:34:14.72
then to be understood.
00:34:14.72\00:34:16.02
Now, this is actually a version
00:34:16.02\00:34:17.29
of the Golden Rule.
00:34:17.29\00:34:18.72
What's the Golden Rule say?
00:34:18.72\00:34:20.02
Do unto...
00:34:20.02\00:34:21.02
[AUDIENCE] Others.
00:34:21.02\00:34:21.96
As you would have them
00:34:21.96\00:34:22.82
do unto...
00:34:22.82\00:34:23.69
[AUDIENCE] You.
00:34:23.69\00:34:24.26
Okay, this is not something
00:34:24.36\00:34:25.46
society came up with.
00:34:25.46\00:34:26.56
Jesus Himself is the one who
00:34:26.56\00:34:27.76
said this.
00:34:27.76\00:34:28.50
Matthew Chapter 7, verse 12 is
00:34:28.50\00:34:30.00
where that Golden Rule is found.
00:34:30.00\00:34:31.50
When you are having an argument,
00:34:32.03\00:34:34.24
it's probably because you want
00:34:34.24\00:34:36.14
your spouse to see things like
00:34:36.14\00:34:38.27
you see them.
00:34:38.27\00:34:39.34
And God is in essence saying,
00:34:41.71\00:34:43.65
"Okay, I get it.
00:34:43.65\00:34:44.88
But why not extend the same
00:34:45.75\00:34:47.02
thing you want for you to your
00:34:47.02\00:34:48.85
spouse first?"
00:34:48.85\00:34:49.98
Because that opens the door,
00:34:51.22\00:34:53.02
it helps people to see that
00:34:53.02\00:34:53.82
you're reasonable.
00:34:53.82\00:34:54.96
Seek first to understand what
00:34:54.96\00:34:56.66
they are saying.
00:34:56.66\00:34:57.53
Listen to what they have to say.
00:34:57.53\00:34:58.59
Let them explain their side of
00:34:58.59\00:34:59.93
things, you'll have your chance,
00:34:59.93\00:35:01.46
you can explain it.
00:35:01.46\00:35:02.26
This is the kind of give and
00:35:02.26\00:35:03.80
take that makes for healthy
00:35:03.80\00:35:05.30
conflict resolution.
00:35:05.30\00:35:06.67
Tip number four: Use reflective
00:35:07.34\00:35:09.40
listening.
00:35:09.40\00:35:10.41
Reflective listening is simply
00:35:10.41\00:35:11.71
where you reflect back what you
00:35:11.71\00:35:13.41
think your spouse just said.
00:35:13.41\00:35:15.08
And if that sounds easy, wait
00:35:15.08\00:35:17.78
till you're in the heat of the
00:35:17.78\00:35:18.88
moment and try it.
00:35:18.88\00:35:20.12
It is fascinating how difficult
00:35:20.58\00:35:22.05
it can be sometimes to rightly
00:35:22.05\00:35:23.95
understand what your spouse
00:35:23.95\00:35:25.09
is saying.
00:35:25.09\00:35:25.75
Now, my wife always understands
00:35:25.75\00:35:27.32
what I'm saying.
00:35:27.32\00:35:28.16
I am working on it there, I'm
00:35:28.16\00:35:29.52
just-- I'm a little bit slower,
00:35:29.52\00:35:30.69
okay?
00:35:30.69\00:35:31.56
And gentleman, sometimes you may
00:35:31.56\00:35:32.89
share my fate, right?
00:35:32.89\00:35:34.46
So here's what you do,
00:35:34.46\00:35:35.30
particularly if you have an
00:35:35.30\00:35:36.46
intractable problem in your
00:35:36.46\00:35:37.77
relationship, something that
00:35:37.77\00:35:38.87
just, you can't seem to
00:35:38.87\00:35:40.10
get to it.
00:35:40.10\00:35:41.00
It may be because you don't
00:35:41.60\00:35:43.44
actually understand what the
00:35:43.44\00:35:44.81
problem is.
00:35:44.81\00:35:45.51
So here's what you do,
00:35:45.51\00:35:46.74
reflective listening.
00:35:46.74\00:35:47.88
Have your spouse say, "Tell me
00:35:47.88\00:35:49.24
what you think the problem is."
00:35:49.24\00:35:50.78
They'll say it.
00:35:50.78\00:35:51.45
"Okay, well, when you do thus
00:35:51.45\00:35:52.75
and such, it makes me feel this
00:35:52.75\00:35:54.08
way," okay?
00:35:54.08\00:35:54.92
And then you get to say now back
00:35:55.48\00:35:57.29
to them what you just heard,
00:35:57.29\00:35:58.75
okay?
00:35:58.75\00:35:59.45
I remember one couple that I was
00:36:00.19\00:36:01.29
doing this with.
00:36:01.29\00:36:02.22
This is within the last 30 years
00:36:03.22\00:36:04.56
at a church within 10,000 miles
00:36:04.56\00:36:05.89
of here.
00:36:05.89\00:36:06.83
And I was doing some brief
00:36:06.83\00:36:08.36
counseling with them and the--
00:36:08.36\00:36:10.50
I had-- we were doing reflective
00:36:10.50\00:36:11.43
listening and the wife said,
00:36:11.43\00:36:14.67
I asked her to state the problem
00:36:14.67\00:36:16.30
and she said, "Well, when you
00:36:16.30\00:36:19.97
let the dog onto the sofa,
00:36:19.97\00:36:24.08
it makes it difficult for me to
00:36:24.08\00:36:26.61
keep the house clean."
00:36:26.61\00:36:28.28
I said, "Okay, good."
00:36:29.78\00:36:31.09
I looked at the husband, I said,
00:36:31.09\00:36:32.45
"You reflect back now.
00:36:32.45\00:36:33.39
What did she just say?"
00:36:33.39\00:36:34.59
And he said,
00:36:35.16\00:36:37.09
"You think I'm an idiot."
00:36:37.09\00:36:38.83
[laughter]
00:36:39.33\00:36:40.93
I knew we were on to something,
00:36:43.43\00:36:44.90
okay?
00:36:44.90\00:36:45.50
We had struck gold right there,
00:36:45.60\00:36:47.37
okay?
00:36:47.37\00:36:48.17
And truly, this was a turning
00:36:48.17\00:36:50.14
point because I was like, "Um,
00:36:50.14\00:36:52.21
you know, that's not precisely
00:36:52.21\00:36:53.64
what she said.
00:36:53.64\00:36:54.61
There may be some more nuance
00:36:54.61\00:36:55.64
that you're missing," and I
00:36:55.64\00:36:56.64
began to explain back, and she
00:36:56.64\00:36:57.85
was just as surprised as I was
00:36:57.85\00:36:59.58
about...
00:36:59.58\00:37:00.35
Long story short, that enabled
00:37:00.68\00:37:02.12
us to actually get to what the
00:37:02.12\00:37:03.42
real issue was.
00:37:03.42\00:37:04.55
And I'm not gonna go through all
00:37:04.55\00:37:05.35
the remainder of that
00:37:05.35\00:37:06.39
conversation.
00:37:06.39\00:37:07.39
I am saying reflective listening
00:37:07.39\00:37:08.86
can really help to clarify.
00:37:08.86\00:37:10.76
If you need some more tips about
00:37:10.76\00:37:11.69
how to use that, Google it
00:37:11.69\00:37:12.39
online, there's some good
00:37:12.39\00:37:13.29
counsel that's on there.
00:37:13.29\00:37:14.36
Tip number five: Eliminate
00:37:14.83\00:37:17.40
"always" and "never" from your
00:37:17.40\00:37:18.87
conflict resolution vocabulary.
00:37:18.87\00:37:21.00
"You're always late!"
00:37:22.04\00:37:24.11
"You're never on time!"
00:37:24.11\00:37:25.77
These are not helpful words when
00:37:26.91\00:37:27.91
you're trying to resolve a
00:37:27.91\00:37:28.71
conflict with your spouse.
00:37:28.71\00:37:29.94
Number one, it's not true.
00:37:29.94\00:37:31.38
No one is that consistent.
00:37:31.38\00:37:32.78
[laughter]
00:37:33.52\00:37:34.52
And number two, you're basically
00:37:35.05\00:37:36.35
painting them into a corner,
00:37:36.35\00:37:37.92
right, because you're kind of
00:37:37.92\00:37:38.99
judge and jury.
00:37:38.99\00:37:39.65
You're not even giving them the
00:37:39.65\00:37:40.49
opportunity to explain
00:37:40.49\00:37:41.52
themselves.
00:37:41.52\00:37:42.19
You just said, "You always do
00:37:42.19\00:37:42.99
this, you never get this done!"
00:37:42.99\00:37:44.66
kind of thing.
00:37:44.66\00:37:45.43
Just eliminate those words from
00:37:45.43\00:37:47.00
your conflict resolution
00:37:47.00\00:37:47.96
vocabulary.
00:37:47.96\00:37:48.86
Tip number six: Be willing to
00:37:49.43\00:37:52.17
compromise.
00:37:52.17\00:37:53.13
You remember that party in New
00:37:54.14\00:37:55.04
York City for the 50-years-plus
00:37:55.04\00:37:56.97
marriage people?
00:37:56.97\00:37:58.11
In the interviews that they did,
00:37:58.11\00:37:59.77
they were asked to share some of
00:37:59.77\00:38:02.18
the tips, their secrets for
00:38:02.18\00:38:03.28
success and one thing came up
00:38:03.28\00:38:05.21
repeatedly, be willing to
00:38:05.21\00:38:07.75
compromise.
00:38:07.75\00:38:08.75
Oddly enough, this is a biblical
00:38:10.72\00:38:11.89
principle.
00:38:11.89\00:38:12.95
Let me put it on the screen here
00:38:12.95\00:38:13.69
for you.
00:38:13.69\00:38:14.16
Philippians 2, verse 3.
00:38:14.26\00:38:15.62
The Bible says, "Do nothing out
00:38:16.06\00:38:17.36
of selfish ambition."
00:38:17.36\00:38:18.69
Do how much?
00:38:18.69\00:38:19.73
Nothing.
00:38:20.30\00:38:20.90
Okay, so that probably applies
00:38:20.96\00:38:21.70
here to conflict resolution,
00:38:21.70\00:38:22.70
right?
00:38:22.70\00:38:23.30
"Do nothing out of selfish
00:38:23.30\00:38:24.83
ambition or vain conceit, but in
00:38:24.83\00:38:26.47
humility, consider others better
00:38:26.47\00:38:28.80
than yourselves."
00:38:28.80\00:38:29.87
Hmm, interesting.
00:38:29.87\00:38:31.51
As it turns out, there are
00:38:31.51\00:38:32.94
actually very few things worth
00:38:32.94\00:38:35.11
erasing the happiness of your
00:38:35.11\00:38:36.81
marriage over, even if it means
00:38:36.81\00:38:40.22
you don't always get your way.
00:38:40.22\00:38:41.75
Don't compromise on your moral
00:38:43.75\00:38:45.19
principles, but on nearly
00:38:45.19\00:38:46.79
everything else, consider
00:38:46.79\00:38:47.92
others, including your spouse,
00:38:47.92\00:38:49.82
better than yourself, and be
00:38:49.82\00:38:51.16
willing to compromise.
00:38:51.16\00:38:52.86
Tip number seven:
00:38:53.90\00:38:56.10
Don't keep score.
00:38:56.10\00:38:57.17
[audience murmurs]
00:38:57.93\00:38:59.80
I probably don't even need to
00:39:02.00\00:39:03.04
say much more, but for those of
00:39:03.04\00:39:03.97
you who are sure why the front
00:39:03.97\00:39:05.01
half of the church just giggled,
00:39:05.01\00:39:06.14
let me tell you what they're
00:39:06.14\00:39:06.94
talking about, right?
00:39:06.94\00:39:08.24
Keeping score.
00:39:08.24\00:39:09.14
Little story for you.
00:39:09.14\00:39:10.38
The first full day of my
00:39:10.38\00:39:12.05
honeymoon, we honeymooned in
00:39:12.05\00:39:13.35
Canada, we got married in
00:39:13.35\00:39:14.72
February, so it was cold.
00:39:14.72\00:39:15.58
Tickets to Canada are cheap in
00:39:15.58\00:39:17.35
February, okay?
00:39:17.35\00:39:18.45
And so we went up to Banff, Lake
00:39:18.75\00:39:20.19
Louise area, you know, beautiful
00:39:20.19\00:39:21.46
even in winter.
00:39:21.46\00:39:22.52
And the first full day we had
00:39:22.52\00:39:24.19
breakfast in the hotel and then
00:39:24.19\00:39:26.19
lunch is on its way, right?
00:39:26.19\00:39:28.06
And we've got a smorgasbord of
00:39:28.06\00:39:29.60
restaurants around the area
00:39:29.60\00:39:30.83
there that we could choose from.
00:39:30.83\00:39:32.13
And so me wanting to be the
00:39:32.13\00:39:33.70
accommodating brand new spouse,
00:39:33.70\00:39:35.87
I thought to myself, "You know
00:39:35.87\00:39:36.84
what?
00:39:36.84\00:39:37.57
There's some places I wanna go
00:39:37.57\00:39:38.67
to eat, but whatever she says,
00:39:38.67\00:39:41.88
that's where we're gonna go."
00:39:41.88\00:39:43.01
So I said, "Hey, Darlene, where
00:39:43.68\00:39:45.35
do you want to go for lunch?"
00:39:45.35\00:39:46.35
And she named a restaurant and
00:39:47.08\00:39:48.38
immediately my stomach just kind
00:39:48.38\00:39:50.09
of turns a little bit like...
00:39:50.09\00:39:51.59
"I don't wanna go there."
00:39:52.35\00:39:53.29
I thought, "Well, no, it's fine,
00:39:53.29\00:39:55.42
it's fine, it's fine," you know,
00:39:55.42\00:39:56.36
"it's alright.
00:39:56.36\00:39:57.03
That would be great."
00:39:57.03\00:39:57.99
So we go to that restaurant for
00:39:58.66\00:39:59.86
lunch.
00:39:59.86\00:40:00.40
Lunch finally wears off, supper
00:40:00.56\00:40:01.50
is on the horizon and I think to
00:40:01.50\00:40:02.96
myself, "Ah," you know, "I'm
00:40:02.96\00:40:04.13
gonna to be a good husband,
00:40:04.13\00:40:05.17
accommodate and whatnot."
00:40:05.17\00:40:06.17
So, "Darlene, where would you
00:40:06.17\00:40:08.00
like to go for supper?"
00:40:08.00\00:40:09.14
And she said, "Well, where would
00:40:09.77\00:40:10.84
you like to go?"
00:40:10.84\00:40:11.94
I said, "Oh, no, no, no,
00:40:11.94\00:40:12.74
it's fine.
00:40:12.74\00:40:13.34
Anywhere you want to go is
00:40:13.34\00:40:14.08
fine," alright?
00:40:14.08\00:40:15.08
And she names another restaurant
00:40:15.58\00:40:16.78
that I have no interest in going
00:40:16.78\00:40:17.61
to whatsoever.
00:40:17.61\00:40:18.75
And I'm thinking to myself, "Oh,
00:40:19.88\00:40:21.08
man, okay..."
00:40:21.08\00:40:22.12
"That's fine, that would be
00:40:22.12\00:40:23.25
great, let's go!"
00:40:23.25\00:40:24.42
So we go to that restaurant.
00:40:24.99\00:40:26.12
Next day, we have breakfast at
00:40:26.12\00:40:26.92
the hotel.
00:40:26.92\00:40:27.52
Lunch is coming up, okay?
00:40:27.52\00:40:29.96
And I say to her, "So where
00:40:29.96\00:40:32.53
would you like to go to eat?"
00:40:32.53\00:40:34.03
And she names a Greek
00:40:36.90\00:40:37.90
restaurant, okay?
00:40:37.90\00:40:39.20
Now I'm a gourmet, I wanted to
00:40:40.00\00:40:42.07
go to Denny's.
00:40:42.07\00:40:43.20
Okay?
00:40:44.01\00:40:44.71
And there was a Denny's nearby.
00:40:45.07\00:40:46.41
I mean, it's-- this is, "We're
00:40:46.41\00:40:47.58
here, I've gone through all
00:40:47.58\00:40:48.81
these meals."
00:40:48.81\00:40:49.58
And she says, she names this
00:40:49.58\00:40:51.08
Greek restaurant and I could not
00:40:51.08\00:40:52.55
take it anymore.
00:40:52.55\00:40:53.58
I said, "Why do we always go
00:40:53.58\00:40:54.68
where you wanna go to eat?"
00:40:54.68\00:40:56.25
[laughter]
00:40:56.25\00:40:57.55
She said, "What do you mean?"
00:40:58.65\00:40:59.45
I said, "Well, every single
00:40:59.45\00:41:00.62
place we've gone, you've
00:41:00.62\00:41:01.46
chosen."
00:41:01.46\00:41:02.26
She said, "But you said I could
00:41:02.92\00:41:03.79
choose!"
00:41:03.79\00:41:04.33
"Well, I mean, you know, I mean,
00:41:04.49\00:41:05.43
why don't we go where I wanna go
00:41:05.43\00:41:06.93
to eat?"
00:41:06.93\00:41:07.93
I was keeping score.
00:41:11.80\00:41:13.40
Psychologists call this passive
00:41:17.17\00:41:18.64
aggressive behavior, okay?
00:41:18.64\00:41:20.48
So here's a general rule, if you
00:41:21.28\00:41:24.38
feel that this is important
00:41:24.38\00:41:25.88
enough to save up for later, and
00:41:25.88\00:41:28.32
you know why you save up, right?
00:41:28.32\00:41:29.88
I mean, because this is
00:41:29.88\00:41:30.59
leverage, okay?
00:41:30.59\00:41:31.52
So you're all kind and
00:41:31.52\00:41:32.29
everything is nice and sweetsy
00:41:32.29\00:41:33.25
until you really need something
00:41:33.25\00:41:34.56
and then you take your score
00:41:34.56\00:41:36.02
and you dump it out on the
00:41:36.02\00:41:37.16
other person's head and you--
00:41:37.16\00:41:38.19
all this is leverage.
00:41:38.19\00:41:39.39
"You never do this for me,
00:41:39.39\00:41:40.40
blah, blah, blah."
00:41:40.40\00:41:41.20
If it's important enough to
00:41:41.83\00:41:43.33
bring up later...
00:41:43.33\00:41:44.73
...it's probably important
00:41:47.00\00:41:48.00
enough to bring up now.
00:41:48.00\00:41:50.17
And if it's not important enough
00:41:52.77\00:41:54.38
to bring up later and it's not
00:41:54.38\00:41:56.71
important enough to bring up
00:41:56.71\00:41:57.81
now, just let it go.
00:41:57.81\00:42:00.45
Just let it go.
00:42:01.32\00:42:02.65
Because when you keep score,
00:42:04.59\00:42:07.09
eventually you're going to look
00:42:07.09\00:42:08.22
to win.
00:42:08.22\00:42:08.96
That's what scores are for,
00:42:09.59\00:42:10.73
isn't it?
00:42:10.73\00:42:11.49
Be careful.
00:42:12.33\00:42:13.33
Don't keep score.
00:42:13.33\00:42:14.50
Be generous.
00:42:14.50\00:42:15.40
If it's important enough to talk
00:42:15.40\00:42:16.46
about later, talk about it now.
00:42:16.46\00:42:18.57
Number eight: Pray in the
00:42:19.97\00:42:21.74
mirror.
00:42:21.74\00:42:22.94
This one is simple.
00:42:22.94\00:42:24.24
Don't pray against your spouse,
00:42:24.24\00:42:27.01
pray for yourself.
00:42:27.01\00:42:28.44
"God, show me what my part is in
00:42:28.44\00:42:29.91
this disagreement.
00:42:29.91\00:42:30.95
Help me to own it.
00:42:30.95\00:42:31.95
Give me the courage to do what
00:42:31.95\00:42:32.98
You would have me to do about
00:42:32.98\00:42:34.25
my stuff."
00:42:34.25\00:42:35.08
Tip number nine: Seek to settle
00:42:36.28\00:42:38.35
an argument in your, as in
00:42:38.35\00:42:40.16
plural, in your favor.
00:42:40.16\00:42:41.76
This goes back to the story of
00:42:41.76\00:42:42.72
Darlene and I there on Lake
00:42:42.72\00:42:44.06
Chapin Road.
00:42:44.06\00:42:45.06
Don't seek your own blessing,
00:42:45.56\00:42:47.40
seek the blessing of your
00:42:47.40\00:42:48.40
relationship.
00:42:48.40\00:42:49.26
And finally, tip number ten:
00:42:49.80\00:42:51.67
Get someone to help you.
00:42:51.67\00:42:52.83
If you hit a brick wall, go find
00:42:53.47\00:42:55.14
somebody, perhaps a trusted
00:42:55.14\00:42:56.44
friend that you both agree on,
00:42:56.44\00:42:57.61
and you would need to both agree
00:42:57.61\00:42:58.74
on that, or more likely, a
00:42:58.74\00:43:00.04
professional Christian
00:43:00.04\00:43:01.01
counselor.
00:43:01.01\00:43:01.81
There's no shame in going to
00:43:01.81\00:43:03.08
somebody that has more pieces of
00:43:03.08\00:43:04.51
the puzzle in their box
00:43:04.51\00:43:05.55
than you do.
00:43:05.55\00:43:06.85
The biggest shame is not taking
00:43:06.85\00:43:08.32
that step.
00:43:08.32\00:43:09.38
How many a marriage has been
00:43:09.38\00:43:10.39
lost because somebody in the
00:43:10.39\00:43:12.05
relationship was not willing to
00:43:12.05\00:43:13.19
go to a counselor and get the
00:43:13.19\00:43:14.62
help that they needed.
00:43:14.62\00:43:15.82
So find a good Christian
00:43:15.82\00:43:17.06
counselor, lay out the problem
00:43:17.06\00:43:19.26
and let them help you.
00:43:19.26\00:43:20.50
However you decide to do it,
00:43:21.33\00:43:22.56
make the decision, draw a line
00:43:22.56\00:43:23.77
in the sand, and learn to
00:43:23.77\00:43:25.47
resolve conflict in your
00:43:25.47\00:43:26.53
marriage effectively.
00:43:26.53\00:43:27.77
It is a first key method to
00:43:27.77\00:43:29.50
serving your spouse as Christ,
00:43:29.50\00:43:31.37
served the church and moving you
00:43:31.37\00:43:33.51
happily towards the finish line
00:43:33.51\00:43:35.14
with your spouse.
00:43:35.14\00:43:36.85
Key number two.
00:43:39.18\00:43:40.38
If you have a Bible, take a look
00:43:41.82\00:43:42.75
at Revelation chapter 19,
00:43:42.75\00:43:43.89
please.
00:43:43.89\00:43:44.89
Revelation Chapter 19, page 832
00:43:44.89\00:43:47.26
in your pew Bible, page 832,
00:43:47.26\00:43:48.82
Revelation chapter 19, verse 6.
00:43:48.82\00:43:51.19
Now, this may seem like an
00:43:51.96\00:43:52.86
unlikely place to find a
00:43:52.86\00:43:54.20
dramatic key for serving your
00:43:54.20\00:43:55.93
spouse, but man, this one
00:43:55.93\00:43:57.17
is good.
00:43:57.17\00:43:58.03
This is gold.
00:43:58.03\00:43:59.37
If you are interested in going
00:43:59.37\00:44:01.44
major league with your marriage,
00:44:01.44\00:44:03.14
this is it, alright?
00:44:03.14\00:44:04.27
The picture here in Revelation
00:44:04.91\00:44:06.31
is one of the Second Coming of
00:44:06.31\00:44:08.11
Jesus Christ, okay?
00:44:08.11\00:44:09.54
So revelation has lots of
00:44:09.54\00:44:10.51
symbols, it's a book of
00:44:10.51\00:44:11.51
prophecy, etc., including
00:44:11.51\00:44:13.38
prophecies about the Second
00:44:13.38\00:44:14.52
Coming.
00:44:14.52\00:44:15.52
So Jesus here is symbolized upon
00:44:15.52\00:44:18.29
His return, an event that I
00:44:18.29\00:44:19.39
think is going to happen very
00:44:19.39\00:44:20.42
soon, and in verse 6, this is
00:44:20.42\00:44:22.36
what it says, it says, "Then
00:44:22.36\00:44:23.63
I heard what sounded like a
00:44:23.63\00:44:24.63
great multitude, like the roar
00:44:24.63\00:44:26.36
of rushing waters, and like loud
00:44:26.36\00:44:27.86
peals of thunder, shouting
00:44:27.86\00:44:29.23
'Hallelujah for our Lord God
00:44:29.23\00:44:31.10
Almighty reigns.
00:44:31.10\00:44:32.47
Let us rejoice and be glad and
00:44:32.47\00:44:34.44
give Him glory for the wedding
00:44:34.44\00:44:36.64
of the lamb has come.'"
00:44:36.64\00:44:38.51
Huh, there's a marriage here.
00:44:38.51\00:44:39.97
"'For the wedding of the lamb
00:44:39.97\00:44:41.21
has come and his bride has made
00:44:41.21\00:44:43.71
herself ready.'"
00:44:43.71\00:44:45.38
Now those of you that have
00:44:46.15\00:44:46.92
studied this passage before,
00:44:46.92\00:44:47.92
tell me, who's the lamb?
00:44:47.92\00:44:50.09
Okay, this is Jesus.
00:44:51.05\00:44:51.92
Who's the bride?
00:44:51.92\00:44:52.82
The church.
00:44:53.66\00:44:54.09
All those that have truly
00:44:54.29\00:44:55.09
trusted in Christ, these are the
00:44:55.09\00:44:56.09
ones that are there.
00:44:56.09\00:44:57.33
So the picture is one of the
00:44:57.33\00:44:58.83
Second Coming being a wedding
00:44:58.83\00:45:00.46
ceremony, in essence, Jesus, the
00:45:00.46\00:45:02.80
bride groom, is coming down to
00:45:02.80\00:45:04.67
greet His bride, the church,
00:45:04.67\00:45:06.67
those that have chosen
00:45:06.67\00:45:07.67
to follow Him.
00:45:07.67\00:45:08.47
There's a wedding taking
00:45:08.47\00:45:09.17
place here.
00:45:09.17\00:45:10.17
Look at verse 11.
00:45:10.77\00:45:12.44
"I saw heaven standing open and
00:45:12.44\00:45:13.94
there before me was a white
00:45:13.94\00:45:15.14
horse whose rider is called
00:45:15.14\00:45:16.91
Faithful and True."
00:45:16.91\00:45:18.08
Who's that?
00:45:18.08\00:45:19.08
Okay, this is Jesus, okay, the
00:45:19.55\00:45:20.52
symbolism still Jesus here,
00:45:20.52\00:45:21.92
"With justice He judges and
00:45:21.92\00:45:23.39
makes war."
00:45:23.39\00:45:24.19
Verse 12, "His eyes are like
00:45:24.19\00:45:25.95
blazing fire and on His head are
00:45:25.95\00:45:28.32
many..." what?
00:45:28.32\00:45:29.66
Crowns.
00:45:30.33\00:45:30.99
Who wears a crown?
00:45:30.99\00:45:32.09
A king does.
00:45:32.79\00:45:33.80
So if a king marries someone,
00:45:33.80\00:45:37.00
what does that make his spouse?
00:45:37.00\00:45:38.87
A queen.
00:45:39.53\00:45:40.54
Hmm...
00:45:41.40\00:45:42.40
If you are going to treat your
00:45:44.04\00:45:45.74
spouse like Christ treats the
00:45:45.74\00:45:47.64
church, if you're going to make
00:45:47.64\00:45:49.38
it to the finish line with your
00:45:49.38\00:45:50.85
spouse happily and forever, then
00:45:50.85\00:45:53.48
treat them like royalty.
00:45:53.48\00:45:56.38
When I was dating my wife, this
00:46:01.19\00:46:04.39
did not come naturally to me.
00:46:04.39\00:46:05.99
I was not raised with this
00:46:06.76\00:46:07.86
stuff, okay?
00:46:07.86\00:46:08.86
I was raised with other things.
00:46:08.86\00:46:10.13
But I really wanted to have a
00:46:11.03\00:46:12.20
healthy marriage and so my
00:46:12.20\00:46:13.10
mentors helped me out.
00:46:13.10\00:46:14.30
They gave me some tips as to how
00:46:14.30\00:46:15.80
to treat my girlfriend at the
00:46:15.80\00:46:17.27
time, I was hoping to be my wife
00:46:17.27\00:46:18.67
at some point in the future
00:46:18.67\00:46:19.77
there, how to treat her like
00:46:19.77\00:46:21.21
royalty.
00:46:21.21\00:46:21.84
So I did things like this, I
00:46:21.84\00:46:22.98
started habits like this.
00:46:22.98\00:46:24.68
I began to open doors
00:46:24.68\00:46:25.68
for my wife.
00:46:25.68\00:46:26.68
If we walked towards a building
00:46:28.05\00:46:28.72
I would open the door for if we
00:46:28.72\00:46:30.52
get in the car, you know, I
00:46:30.52\00:46:31.25
would open the door for her so
00:46:31.25\00:46:32.49
that she could get in.
00:46:32.49\00:46:33.69
It's not because my wife is
00:46:33.69\00:46:35.39
physically incapable of opening
00:46:35.39\00:46:36.76
the door.
00:46:36.76\00:46:37.66
She's done that for 20 years
00:46:38.23\00:46:39.53
prior to me dating her, alright?
00:46:39.53\00:46:40.90
It was my way, though, of being
00:46:41.53\00:46:42.80
able to say, "You matter to me.
00:46:42.80\00:46:44.17
You are special.
00:46:44.17\00:46:45.00
You are a VIP in my sight.
00:46:45.00\00:46:46.74
You are royalty."
00:46:46.74\00:46:47.80
I would carry the umbrella for
00:46:48.34\00:46:49.47
her when it rained.
00:46:49.47\00:46:50.97
Now, sometimes I still get this
00:46:50.97\00:46:51.94
one wrong because there's quite
00:46:51.94\00:46:52.81
a height difference between us
00:46:52.81\00:46:53.81
and I've got the umbrella up
00:46:53.81\00:46:54.91
here in the rain is coming under
00:46:54.91\00:46:55.88
and she's getting wet, alright?
00:46:55.88\00:46:57.61
So it takes practice, alright,
00:46:58.05\00:46:59.65
I'm still working on some of
00:46:59.65\00:47:00.58
these things, but that she is
00:47:00.58\00:47:01.58
royalty.
00:47:01.58\00:47:02.35
So I wanna help her in that way.
00:47:02.35\00:47:03.95
You know, every so often I would
00:47:03.95\00:47:05.05
write her little notes saying
00:47:05.05\00:47:06.09
how much I appreciated what she
00:47:06.09\00:47:07.26
did, put it someplace that she
00:47:07.26\00:47:08.99
wouldn't expect it so she'd be
00:47:08.99\00:47:09.99
surprised by it.
00:47:09.99\00:47:11.26
I would buy flowers, write
00:47:11.26\00:47:12.59
cards occasionally, even if I
00:47:12.59\00:47:13.93
didn't entirely understand why
00:47:13.93\00:47:15.50
she liked stuff like that,
00:47:15.50\00:47:16.53
because I wasn't really into it,
00:47:16.53\00:47:17.57
but she was.
00:47:17.57\00:47:18.57
I'm embarrassed to say it, but
00:47:19.17\00:47:20.74
one of the things I had to
00:47:20.74\00:47:21.64
unlearn in my dating time with
00:47:21.64\00:47:23.77
Darlene was that I would make
00:47:23.77\00:47:25.77
jokes at her expense in front of
00:47:25.77\00:47:27.34
other people.
00:47:27.34\00:47:28.28
And one of the things I had to
00:47:29.08\00:47:29.91
learn is that I would now need
00:47:29.91\00:47:31.05
to go out of my way to
00:47:31.05\00:47:32.78
compliment her in public, in
00:47:32.78\00:47:34.82
front of other people, tell her
00:47:34.82\00:47:36.25
how nice she looked in that
00:47:36.25\00:47:37.22
outfit, or that she did a great
00:47:37.22\00:47:38.72
thing with her work or with her
00:47:38.72\00:47:40.09
schoolwork or with her cooking,
00:47:40.09\00:47:41.16
something like that.
00:47:41.16\00:47:42.22
Whenever possible, I became
00:47:42.69\00:47:45.33
her valet.
00:47:45.33\00:47:46.59
To this day, when we travel,
00:47:47.46\00:47:48.73
nine and a half times out of
00:47:48.73\00:47:49.80
ten, load the car, I carry her
00:47:49.80\00:47:51.47
bags whenever I can, when I'm at
00:47:51.47\00:47:53.07
home, I bring the groceries in
00:47:53.07\00:47:54.20
whenever possible.
00:47:54.20\00:47:55.57
And some of you that are younger
00:47:56.50\00:47:59.71
right now are thinking to
00:47:59.71\00:48:01.41
yourself, "Man, that is
00:48:01.41\00:48:03.65
old school."
00:48:03.65\00:48:05.08
To which I would say,
00:48:08.78\00:48:10.52
"Yeah, and so is happiness."
00:48:10.52\00:48:12.15
But I don't see too many people
00:48:14.92\00:48:15.76
complaining when they have
00:48:15.76\00:48:16.93
happiness in their lives.
00:48:16.93\00:48:18.16
You see, it seems to me that the
00:48:20.06\00:48:23.23
ones who lived years ago in ways
00:48:23.23\00:48:24.93
that we now call old school,
00:48:24.93\00:48:26.20
that they had longer marriages,
00:48:26.20\00:48:27.40
stronger families, less divorce,
00:48:27.40\00:48:28.87
more stability, and more
00:48:28.87\00:48:30.11
fulfillment.
00:48:30.11\00:48:31.37
I'm not saying they were perfect
00:48:31.37\00:48:32.41
because they definitely were
00:48:32.41\00:48:33.38
not, but I do believe they got
00:48:33.38\00:48:34.61
some important things right, and
00:48:34.61\00:48:35.98
maybe, just maybe, if more of us
00:48:35.98\00:48:37.58
were more like the
00:48:37.58\00:48:38.61
old-schoolers, maybe if we did
00:48:38.61\00:48:40.42
what they did, we just might get
00:48:40.42\00:48:41.85
what they got.
00:48:41.85\00:48:42.88
And when you're ready to treat
00:48:46.92\00:48:47.89
your wife like full royalty, say
00:48:47.89\00:48:50.63
with everything you do and
00:48:50.63\00:48:53.33
speak, that her honor, her
00:48:53.33\00:48:56.13
dignity, her fulfillment, and
00:48:56.13\00:48:58.03
her safety is more important to
00:48:58.03\00:49:00.37
you than anything else except
00:49:00.37\00:49:01.60
for God.
00:49:01.60\00:49:02.60
And if you really wanna plug
00:49:05.04\00:49:05.77
this thing to it to the nth
00:49:05.77\00:49:06.98
degree, here's what I would
00:49:06.98\00:49:08.11
encourage you to do.
00:49:08.11\00:49:09.34
When you are ready to treat your
00:49:09.34\00:49:10.58
spouse like royalty, husbands,
00:49:10.58\00:49:12.55
sit down, ask the question that
00:49:12.55\00:49:15.08
nearly every queen
00:49:15.08\00:49:16.72
wants to hear.
00:49:16.72\00:49:17.85
Ask her, "On a scale of 1 to 10,
00:49:18.52\00:49:20.66
how would you rate our
00:49:20.66\00:49:21.46
marriage?"
00:49:21.46\00:49:22.42
And if it's less than a ten, ask
00:49:24.09\00:49:25.49
her a second question.
00:49:25.49\00:49:26.59
"What can I do
00:49:27.13\00:49:28.36
to make it a ten?"
00:49:28.36\00:49:29.46
You ask-- you let her ask, you
00:49:31.13\00:49:33.10
ask her those questions and you
00:49:33.10\00:49:34.30
receive the answers.
00:49:34.30\00:49:35.47
Then do your best to do it.
00:49:35.47\00:49:37.87
Do the things that she asked you
00:49:37.87\00:49:39.17
to do to the best of your
00:49:39.17\00:49:40.18
ability.
00:49:40.18\00:49:40.68
And husbands, I'll tell you a
00:49:40.88\00:49:41.44
secret, you treat her like the
00:49:41.54\00:49:43.14
queen she is and in most cases,
00:49:43.14\00:49:44.98
soon enough, she'll start to
00:49:44.98\00:49:46.25
treat you like the king you are.
00:49:46.25\00:49:48.18
And wives, what about you?
00:49:50.29\00:49:52.49
Have you considered treating
00:49:53.66\00:49:54.49
your husband like royalty?
00:49:54.49\00:49:55.92
Now, this may mean different
00:49:57.16\00:49:57.93
things for different people, but
00:49:57.93\00:49:58.96
let me give you some examples
00:49:58.96\00:50:00.10
based on my own experience.
00:50:00.10\00:50:01.63
Wives, find out what your
00:50:01.63\00:50:03.26
husband likes, the little
00:50:03.26\00:50:04.40
things, and get them for him
00:50:04.40\00:50:05.90
occasionally.
00:50:05.90\00:50:06.90
You know, for me, one of the
00:50:06.90\00:50:08.37
things I like, I'm into car
00:50:08.37\00:50:09.67
stuff, automotive things, kind
00:50:09.67\00:50:10.81
of obscure stuff, older cars,
00:50:10.81\00:50:12.14
etc., and every now and then my
00:50:12.14\00:50:13.68
wife will buy me, like, a
00:50:13.68\00:50:15.64
magazine from, you know,
00:50:15.64\00:50:17.18
whatever, Barnes and Noble or
00:50:17.18\00:50:18.55
Books-A-Million, whatever.
00:50:18.55\00:50:19.65
I could never afford a
00:50:19.65\00:50:20.68
subscription to those types of
00:50:20.68\00:50:21.65
magazines because they're
00:50:21.65\00:50:22.52
horrendously expensive, but
00:50:22.52\00:50:23.52
every now and then we can take
00:50:23.52\00:50:25.02
out a loan and get one, just a
00:50:25.02\00:50:26.15
single copy, right?
00:50:26.15\00:50:27.62
And she'll bring this to me and
00:50:27.62\00:50:28.82
like, "Oh, that is so cool!"
00:50:28.82\00:50:30.03
Right?
00:50:30.03\00:50:30.79
Darlene makes sure that I am
00:50:31.36\00:50:32.73
well-fed.
00:50:32.73\00:50:33.66
You know, an army travels on its
00:50:34.56\00:50:35.60
stomach, perhaps, wives, your
00:50:35.60\00:50:37.20
husband does as well.
00:50:37.20\00:50:38.30
Wives respect yourself.
00:50:39.07\00:50:41.47
Show by the way that you dress
00:50:41.47\00:50:42.90
and carry yourself that you are
00:50:42.90\00:50:44.14
honored to be your husband's
00:50:44.14\00:50:45.17
wife.
00:50:45.17\00:50:45.94
Husbands delight in the royal
00:50:45.94\00:50:47.61
bearing of their wives.
00:50:47.61\00:50:48.98
And here's a big one, ladies,
00:50:49.91\00:50:51.78
for your royal husband, tell him
00:50:51.78\00:50:53.48
regularly what you admire
00:50:53.48\00:50:55.38
about him.
00:50:55.38\00:50:56.38
You know, times may be changing
00:50:57.82\00:50:58.62
as things go by and the years
00:50:58.62\00:51:00.29
roll on, but survey after survey
00:51:00.29\00:51:01.59
still tells us that one of the
00:51:01.59\00:51:02.66
things that husbands crave
00:51:02.66\00:51:04.09
almost more than anything else
00:51:04.09\00:51:06.03
is the admiration of their
00:51:06.03\00:51:07.23
wives.
00:51:07.23\00:51:08.23
So tell him what you admire
00:51:08.23\00:51:09.53
about him and do it in front of
00:51:09.53\00:51:11.47
other people.
00:51:11.47\00:51:12.63
[chuckles]
00:51:12.63\00:51:13.74
You know, I tell you what, if I
00:51:13.74\00:51:15.60
preach a sermon and a hundred of
00:51:15.60\00:51:16.81
you come up afterwards and say,
00:51:16.81\00:51:17.94
"That was terrible."
00:51:17.94\00:51:19.37
But I go to my wife and she
00:51:19.37\00:51:20.38
says, "That was pretty good."
00:51:20.38\00:51:21.48
You lose.
00:51:21.48\00:51:22.48
[laughter]
00:51:22.98\00:51:24.21
Because I covet my wife's
00:51:25.48\00:51:26.75
admiration.
00:51:26.75\00:51:27.75
I want to be worthy of her
00:51:27.75\00:51:29.12
admiration.
00:51:29.12\00:51:30.12
And yes, you, too, wives need to
00:51:31.75\00:51:32.99
sit down and ask your husbands
00:51:32.99\00:51:34.36
those questions.
00:51:34.36\00:51:35.26
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would
00:51:35.26\00:51:36.69
you rate our marriage?
00:51:36.69\00:51:37.79
And if the answer is less than a
00:51:38.23\00:51:39.29
ten, ask them that second
00:51:39.29\00:51:40.90
question, what can I do to help
00:51:40.90\00:51:42.96
make it a ten?
00:51:42.96\00:51:44.00
And do whatever you can to be
00:51:44.50\00:51:46.33
able to make that marriage
00:51:46.33\00:51:48.10
healthy.
00:51:48.10\00:51:49.10
And wives notice carefully
00:51:49.70\00:51:50.71
what's true for the husbands is
00:51:50.71\00:51:51.54
true for you, too.
00:51:51.54\00:51:52.67
You treat him like the royal
00:51:52.67\00:51:53.94
husband he is, and soon enough
00:51:53.94\00:51:55.54
he'll start to treat you like
00:51:55.54\00:51:56.75
the royal wife that you are.
00:51:56.75\00:51:58.68
My challenge to you is this:
00:52:02.32\00:52:04.85
serve.
00:52:04.85\00:52:06.22
Serve your spouse as Christ
00:52:06.22\00:52:08.09
served the church, learn to
00:52:08.09\00:52:09.89
solve conflict in marriage
00:52:09.89\00:52:10.99
effectively, never stop treating
00:52:10.99\00:52:12.36
your spouse like royalty.
00:52:12.36\00:52:14.00
This kind of service is the
00:52:14.00\00:52:15.30
golden key that can help any
00:52:15.30\00:52:16.73
marriage reach the finish line
00:52:16.73\00:52:18.10
happily and forever.
00:52:18.10\00:52:19.90
Husbands and wives, present and
00:52:19.90\00:52:22.30
future.
00:52:22.30\00:52:23.30
May the Lord grant you His
00:52:24.84\00:52:25.81
strength and His wisdom.
00:52:25.81\00:52:27.04
May the Lord make His face
00:52:27.91\00:52:29.11
shine upon your marriage and
00:52:29.11\00:52:30.78
give you peace, and may Christ's
00:52:30.78\00:52:33.08
grace, power, and love guide
00:52:33.08\00:52:34.88
your marriage to last happily
00:52:34.88\00:52:37.65
and forever.
00:52:37.65\00:52:38.89
Amen.
00:52:38.89\00:52:39.89
[organ music playing]
00:52:47.86\00:52:50.60
¤¤
00:52:50.60\00:52:53.37
>> Lord Jesus, we crave Your
00:56:11.53\00:56:12.83
leadership in our lives.
00:56:12.83\00:56:14.30
Lord, one of the most important
00:56:15.10\00:56:16.37
ways we need Your leadership is
00:56:16.37\00:56:17.84
in our marriages.
00:56:17.84\00:56:18.81
I pray, Lord, that if there be
00:56:19.27\00:56:20.18
any listening right now that are
00:56:20.18\00:56:21.88
struggling, be with them.
00:56:21.88\00:56:24.11
Show them Your strength, Your
00:56:24.11\00:56:25.35
love, Your courage.
00:56:25.35\00:56:26.55
If there be those here that are
00:56:27.22\00:56:28.15
contemplating marriage, seeking
00:56:28.15\00:56:29.92
to find Mr. and Mrs. Right,
00:56:29.92\00:56:32.12
bless them with Your wisdom and
00:56:32.12\00:56:33.46
Your discernment.
00:56:33.46\00:56:34.36
Lead them to the right person.
00:56:34.36\00:56:36.09
And for all of us, Lord, may
00:56:36.62\00:56:38.59
this be a community that fully
00:56:38.59\00:56:41.06
fosters healthy, strong,
00:56:41.06\00:56:43.70
enduring marriages.
00:56:43.70\00:56:45.17
We pray this in Your name.
00:56:45.70\00:56:46.80
Amen.
00:56:47.77\00:56:48.80
[organ playing]
00:56:51.37\00:56:54.84
>> Hi, I'm Shane Anderson, lead
00:57:00.65\00:57:02.68
pastor here at Pioneer Memorial
00:57:02.68\00:57:04.15
Church.
00:57:04.15\00:57:04.95
It?o news flash to say that
00:57:05.39\00:57:06.92
that social media has become an
00:57:06.92\00:57:08.29
integral part of our
00:57:08.29\00:57:09.12
daily lives.
00:57:09.12\00:57:10.19
And here at Pioneer, we want to
00:57:10.53\00:57:12.29
use it to enrich our lives.
00:57:12.29\00:57:14.20
I invite you to connect with us
00:57:15.00\00:57:16.23
online by visiting the links
00:57:16.23\00:57:17.47
that are shown on the screen.
00:57:17.47\00:57:18.93
We are constantly sharing
00:57:19.30\00:57:21.14
inspiring content that we believ
00:57:21.14\00:57:23.44
can make a real and positive
00:57:23.44\00:57:25.07
difference in your life.
00:57:25.07\00:57:26.57
So if you haven?lready,
00:57:27.34\00:57:28.78
I encourage you to follow and
00:57:28.78\00:57:30.08
and subscribe to our social
00:57:30.08\00:57:31.31
media platforms.
00:57:31.31\00:57:32.75
Not only will you stay up to
00:57:32.75\00:57:33.98
date with our latest news and
00:57:33.98\00:57:35.28
events, but you will also be abl
00:57:35.28\00:57:37.05
to engage with an online
00:57:37.05\00:57:38.65
community that shares a common
00:57:38.65\00:57:40.09
belief, experience, and care for
00:57:40.09\00:57:42.36
for your wellbeing.
00:57:42.36\00:57:44.13
And by sharing our content,
00:57:44.13\00:57:46.39
you can help us reach even more
00:57:46.39\00:57:47.83
people with our message of hope
00:57:47.83\00:57:49.56
and love in Jesus.
00:57:49.56\00:57:51.13
Join us by creating a positive
00:57:51.13\00:57:52.80
impact online and making a
00:57:52.80\00:57:54.77
difference in the world.
00:57:54.77\00:57:56.40
Thank you, and we look forward
00:57:57.07\00:57:58.57
to connecting with you online.
00:57:58.57\00:58:00.88
¤¤
00:58:08.38\00:58:09.35