い
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[ Bell tolling ]
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い
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[ Applause ]
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>> I invite you all to
stand once again as we sing
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the praises to
the King. Amen. Amen.
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This song that
we're going to sing --
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it's a song of praise.
There are songs of meditation,
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there are songs
of encouragement,
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songs about the
church, but this song
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is about just praising God.
So I invite you all to join as
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we sing the praises to
the King, the King of Kings,
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because he reigns forever. い
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Then, in
Revelation 19:6, we read.
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"Then I heard something like
the voice of a great multitude
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and like the sound
of many waters and like
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the sound of mighty peals of
thunder saying, 'Hallelujah!'
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For the Lord our God,
the Almighty, reigns."
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And we today join
that multitude of singers
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singing the praises to the King.
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Sopranos. Come on, sopranos.
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Altos now.
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Come on, tenors.
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Amen. Hallelujah!
Praise God. Praise God.
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い
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>> Welcome to Part 1 of
our three-part series entitled
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"How to Stay Married
Forever and Like It."
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If you are a
guest with us today,
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you may be here in response
to receiving one of these cards.
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If so, we're very
glad that you are here.
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If you appreciate what you're
about to hear and would like
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to invite somebody else to come
and join you for parts 2 and 3,
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which will be next week
and this following week,
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we do have more of these cards.
There will be a stack of them
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right here on the front
pew. Feel free to stop by
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after we are done and
pick as many of those up
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as you would like.
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It had been my hope that, at the
beginning here of Part 1, I
would be able to put a picture
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on the screen of both my wife
and I immediately after we had
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been pronounced husband and
wife. But I just moved here in
July, and all of my wedding
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pictures are somewhere in the
Precambrian level of the
basement, and it will take a
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very gifted archeologist to
somehow find where those
pictures are. I did manage to
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find this particular photo,
though. She's beautiful, isn't
she? The appropriate response
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is to say a hearty
"amen" at that point. >> Amen!
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>> Yes. Thank you, thank you.
Yes. She's gorgeous and she is
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smiling. And if you could see my
face -- This is as I'm helping
her down the steps just after
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the ceremony has been completed.
We're about to get into the
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getaway car. If you could see my
face, I would be smiling, too,
because this day when we got
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married was easily one of the
happiest days of our lives. When
we walked down the aisle,
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we knew beyond the shadow of
a doubt that God had brought us
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together, that this was the
right person for us, and,
therefore, it was, indeed,
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one of the happiest days of our
lives. And if you ask either of
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us now, "Would you say 'I
do' again?", the answer is a
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resounding "yes." Absolutely,
we would. >> Amen. >> Thank you.
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Appreciate that. Yes, yes.
That's one person. And the
reason we can say that is not
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because we are relational
geniuses. My wife actually may
be. I am not, alright?
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It's not because we got lucky.
You know, some people say, "Oh,
you know, they just got lucky.
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Luck of the draw. Some people
make it, some people don't."
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No, no, no, no. That is not
true. The reason why we can say
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today that, "Absolutely, yes, we
would say 'I do' again" is
because we have applied
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some simple principles
consistently over time. Simple
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principles consistently applied
over time. Anyone can do this,
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including you. And it's these
simple principles that I want to
share with you in this series.
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So without further ado, let
us begin. If you really want to
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have a marriage that avoids the
pain of divorce, if you really
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want to have a marriage that
goes the distance and lasts
happily and forever,
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then the best way to start is
before you say "I do." Now, I
hope that makes kind of
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intuitive sense, right? If you
made a mistake and there's
difficulties in your
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marriage after you say "I do,"
it's not the end. I mean, you
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can often work those things out,
and it is, indeed, easier if you
make a good selection
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before you get married. You
know, next to the decision as to
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whether or not you will follow
God, the question of who you
will marry is the most important
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one that most of you will ever
make. Who you marry will
determine all kinds of things.
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It will dramatically impact
where you live, what house you
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buy, whether you have children
or not, how many you'll have,
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what careers you are able to
pursue, how much money you will
have, who you'll be friends
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with, who you won't be friends
with, whether or not your life
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is happy, whether or not those
around you are going to be
happy, the legacy of your life.
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All of these things and more are
dramatically influenced by who
you decide to marry.
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So you don't want to just settle
for anyone. You want to find the
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right one. And with this in
mind, how do you find Mr. or
Mrs. Right? Well, I wish
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we had more time this morning so
that we could cover a few more
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things, but let's at least deal
with four keys. Four keys to
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finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. And
we're going to get right to it.
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First key is this.
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Should I have the
benediction now? We all done?
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We just move on from here,
right? Okay. Don't marry for
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love. This is the first key. And
if you're wondering what that's
about, take your Bible.
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If you don't have a Bible with
you, in the back of the pew in
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front of you, there is a pew
Bible there. Look on Page 16.
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Genesis 24:62. Genesis 24,
beginning with Verse 62. It's on
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page 16, again, in your pew
Bible there. If we were to read
earlier in Genesis 24, we would
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find a guy by the name of
Abraham has had a son named
Isaac. Isaac is of marrying age.
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Abraham gives careful
instructions to his head servant
to find a wife for Isaac
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that doesn't live near him.
There were difficulties with the
women in that area,
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and Abraham said, "I want you to
go back to where I used to live
and I want you to find
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the person that God will guide
you to and bring her back, that
Isaac can marry her."
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And that's where we join the
story. Verse 62 of Genesis 24
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says, "Now, Isaac had come from
Beer Lahai Roi, for he was
living in the Negev.
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He went out to the field one
evening to meditate, and as he
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looked up, he saw camels
approaching. Rebecca --" This is
the woman that had been
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brought back by the servant.
"Rebecca also looked up and saw
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Isaac. She got down from her
camel and asked the servant,
'Who is that man in the field
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coming to meet us?' 'He is my
master,' the servant answered.
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So she took her veil and covered
herself." This is where the
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custom came from, by the way.
The bride will often cover her
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face. It's right here. This
is where it began. Verse 66 --
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"Then the servant told Isaac all
he had done. Isaac brought her
into the tent of his mother,
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Sarah, and he married Rebecca.
So she became his wife, and he
--" What's that next word?
00:16:27.22\00:16:34.02
>> Loved. >> "And he loved
her. And Isaac was comforted
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after his mother's death. She
had died some time earlier." I
mean, just read this again.
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Verse 67 -- "Isaac brought her
into the tent of his mother,
Sarah, and he married Rebecca.
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So she became his wife, and
he loved her." Did you see the
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order? He first married Rebecca,
and then it says, "Then he loved
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her." Now, by modern standards,
I mean, how backwards is that? I
mean, shouldn't Isaac
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have first figured out if
he loved Rebecca first and then
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married her? Well, apparently
not, and I think we can figure
out why. You see, as it turns
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out, falling in love actually
isn't that difficult. It happens
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all the time. We can love all
sorts of things, some things
that we should and some things
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that we shouldn't. And we can
love all kinds of people, some
that we should and some that we
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shouldn't. In fact, as a pastor,
I've been asked to perform quite
a few weddings over the years,
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and a tiny handful of those
I have ended up declining. "I'm
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sorry," I've said. "I can't do
your wedding." And you say,
"Well, why would you do that?"
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Because those couples making
those particular requests had,
indeed, been marrying
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for love, but were very
clearly not marrying for life.
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In fact, maybe we can alter now
key number 1. Don't marry for
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love, marry for life. Point
being, when it comes to choosing
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a life partner in marriage, you
need to take the long view and
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not pay attention merely to the
present. Jesus, not particularly
talking about marriage, but
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certainly the principle applies
that He talks about here. This
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is from Luke 14, beginning
with Verse 28. Jesus says...
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In other words, Jesus is saying,
"Think ahead, plan ahead, look
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carefully at what you have now,
extrapolate into the future."
And, certainly, this applies
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to marriage, choosing your
prospective spouse. You see, if
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you are only going to marry
someone for love, that may be
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great... or it may just be the
state of mind that you have at
this moment about your potential
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spouse in this particular time,
in this particular place in the
present. If you are going to
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marry someone for life, however,
that means you need to take the
00:19:37.67\00:19:42.34
long view, and that means that
you've got to pay attention to a
number of very basic, practical
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things in your prospective
spouse, such as... how does your
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prospective spouse deal with
money? Do they know the value of
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a dollar? Are they a spender?
Are they a saver? Are they
careful with money?
00:19:57.33\00:19:59.59
Do they spend it like water? How
are they with children? You
know, most marriages,
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statistically speaking, will
have children of some
description come into
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the marriage at some point.
How are your -- How is your
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prospective spouse doing with
kids now? Will they be a good
parent to your children?
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Do you want what they have
passed on to your progeny?
What's the general direction
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of their life? Are they looking
to live a life of service?
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Do they share your basic values?
Based on what you know of them
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now, what do you think their
future focus will be on? Will it
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be on homelife, on work,
hobbies, somewhere -- something
else? Where do they envision
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themselves five years from now?
10 years from now? Based on what
00:20:33.50\00:20:38.63
you know of them, do you feel
like those are realistic plans?
Are they good planners?
00:20:38.63\00:20:43.14
More important still, what's
their character like? Are they
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honest? Do they tell the truth?
Do they keep their promises? Are
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they compassionate to those who
are hurting? Do they stand by
the strength of their
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convictions or are they waffling
and unsure of themselves? You
know, a little secret
00:20:57.92\00:21:01.92
about marriage -- do not plan on
your spouse changing much after
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you get married. I've heard
many -- Often, it's the wife.
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Sometimes, it's the husband. Or,
you know, husband- and
wife-to-be you know, say, "Well,
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you know what? I understand
there's this anger problem,
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but I'm sure when we're married,
all of that will go away. The
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nagging, the whining that I hear
now -- oh, the warmth of our
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married love will melt all of
that like an ice cube on a
sidewalk in South Texas in
00:21:28.62\00:21:34.19
August." No, that's not how it
works. You know, praise the
Lord, by the power of God,
00:21:34.19\00:21:40.66
sometimes, people do change
after they get married, but you
00:21:40.66\00:21:45.10
should not plan on that
happening. And most important of
all when we're thinking about
00:21:45.10\00:21:51.34
basic things, compatibility and
the basics, what about spiritual
00:21:51.34\00:21:57.08
compatibility? Is your
prospective spouse roughly on
the same spiritual level as you
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are? You know, the Bible is
actually crystal-clear about
this one. We're not going to
00:22:02.72\00:22:05.55
take the time to read it here,
but you can look up 2
Corinthians 6:14-16. And there,
00:22:05.55\00:22:11.83
we are told that when it comes
to marriage, we are not to be
00:22:11.83\00:22:17.30
"unequally yoked." Now, picture
here, this is an ancient
picture. "Unequally yoked."
00:22:17.30\00:22:21.17
There was a yoke that would hold
together two oxen that were
plowing in a field.
00:22:21.17\00:22:25.17
You know, this is before John
Deere, et cetera. And if they
00:22:25.17\00:22:28.31
were unequally yoked, if you had
one oxen that was stronger or
weaker than the other,
00:22:28.31\00:22:32.58
then the furrows would go like
this around the field, and the
harvest would be less
00:22:32.58\00:22:38.29
because the ground was not used
effectively. And so God here is
00:22:38.29\00:22:42.46
using this analogy for marriage.
"Don't be unequally yoked." Now,
in practical terms,
00:22:42.46\00:22:47.40
what does that mean? Well,
it means that you shouldn't date
00:22:47.40\00:22:50.60
someone, much less marry
somebody, who is not roughly on
your same spiritual level.
00:22:50.60\00:22:54.97
If you're an atheist, marry an
atheist. If you're a Catholic,
00:22:54.97\00:22:59.07
marry a Catholic. If you're
a Baptist, marry a Baptist.
00:22:59.07\00:23:01.98
If you're an Adventist,
marry an Adventist. And even
00:23:01.98\00:23:04.45
within these categories,
everyone who's listening, if
you've been around a little
00:23:04.45\00:23:07.85
while, you know that even within
those categories, there can be
00:23:07.85\00:23:12.05
great spiritual differences.
Just because your name is on the
book of a certain church
00:23:12.05\00:23:15.79
doesn't mean that you're on the
same spiritual level as somebody
00:23:15.79\00:23:18.16
else who has their name on the
book in that particular church.
So think carefully,
00:23:18.16\00:23:21.56
weigh these things out. And
how come, you may be wondering?
00:23:21.56\00:23:24.80
Because regardless of
our particular brand of
00:23:24.80\00:23:30.27
spirituality, what is spiritual
in our lives is ultimate. It is
the core of our lives.
00:23:30.27\00:23:37.61
It is the storehouse of all that
is meaningful with us. It is
00:23:37.61\00:23:41.42
that which is most important to
us. It informs and affects all
we do and all that we are.
00:23:41.42\00:23:47.29
And if you marry someone
who doesn't share those ultimate
00:23:47.29\00:23:52.73
values, it can and will
inevitably lead to one of two
things -- trouble or spiritual
00:23:52.73\00:23:59.87
and moral compromise. And no
one needs those things in their
00:23:59.87\00:24:06.51
marriage. So look carefully at
the basics. Look for the long
haul. And right now, I'm
00:24:06.51\00:24:15.42
guessing, I'm guessing that some
of you -- perhaps some of you
particularly at the younger end
00:24:15.42\00:24:19.32
of the spectrum, you're looking
maybe forward here to getting
married in the future,
00:24:19.32\00:24:22.39
I'm guessing that some of you
might be thinking something like
00:24:22.39\00:24:25.33
this, "Pastor Shane, all this
long-view stuff, focusing on the
00:24:25.33\00:24:29.06
mundane, basic compatibility,
where's the romance in that? I
mean, you're taking all the
00:24:29.06\00:24:34.47
fun out of this," right?
00:24:34.47\00:24:36.71
You know, I remember when
Darlene and I first started
00:24:39.51\00:24:43.08
dating. She looked great. Still
does. And I remember the first
time that I held her hand.
00:24:43.08\00:24:48.22
Man, that was exciting. That was
a feeling like no other, right?
00:24:48.22\00:24:53.02
And when you're dating someone
special like that, you think
about them all the time.
00:24:53.02\00:24:56.69
You look forward to eating lunch
with them, to talking with them,
going on walks with them,
00:24:56.69\00:24:59.93
et cetera, et cetera. It
is romance and it is exciting.
00:24:59.93\00:25:04.23
[ Laughter ] And you
cannot build a successful,
00:25:07.00\00:25:11.94
happy lifetime marriage just
on that excitement. You know,
00:25:11.94\00:25:16.44
Darlene and I had to grow well
beyond that initial excitement
to build what we have today.
00:25:16.44\00:25:21.38
Now, don't misunderstand.
Romance can last till death do
00:25:21.38\00:25:25.72
you part if you play your cards
right. We'll talk about that in
parts 2 and 3, so I hope
00:25:25.72\00:25:28.99
you can join us for that. But
when it comes to marriage,
romantic excitement
00:25:28.99\00:25:33.90
is the icing on the cake, not
its bread and butter. It's how
00:25:33.90\00:25:37.87
you celebrate your relationship,
not how you sustain it. Happy
marriages that last
00:25:37.87\00:25:43.17
forever are instead day-to-day
relationships that thrive best
00:25:43.17\00:25:47.68
when basic compatibilities are
in place. So don't marry for
love. Marry for life.
00:25:47.68\00:25:54.98
Pay attention to practical,
basic compatibility issues
before you say "I do."
00:25:54.98\00:26:02.39
That's the first key if you want
to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. It
leads directly to a second.
00:26:02.39\00:26:10.03
If you have your Bible, take
a look at page 422, Psalm 130:5.
00:26:10.03\00:26:15.30
Page 422, Psalm 130, verses
5, and we're also going to read
00:26:15.30\00:26:23.78
Verse 6. The book of Psalms --
much of it written by David,
other portions written
00:26:23.78\00:26:26.78
by Solomon, other writers. This
is God-inspired poetry that
expresses eternal truths.
00:26:26.78\00:26:32.99
Let's see what it says here.
Psalm 130, beginning with Verse
00:26:32.99\00:26:36.09
5. It says, "I wait for the
Lord, my soul waits, and in His
Word, I put my hope.
00:26:36.09\00:26:44.00
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the
00:26:44.00\00:26:48.50
morning, more than watchmen wait
for the morning." I wait," it
00:26:48.50\00:26:55.11
says, "for the Lord." A second
key to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right
is to take your time.
00:26:55.11\00:27:08.09
Wait on the Lord. Ask Him to
guide you. He will. Wait on Him.
00:27:08.09\00:27:14.46
You see, some things in life can
happen fast, but the best things
00:27:14.46\00:27:17.53
in life often take time.
And finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is
00:27:17.53\00:27:21.17
definitely one of those things.
I am so glad that the Lord
brought Darlene into my life.
00:27:21.17\00:27:25.27
I mean, my marriage has been a
manifold, abundant, overflowing
00:27:25.27\00:27:29.61
blessing. It's a great thing.
And to get there, it takes time,
including before we said "I do."
00:27:29.61\00:27:37.22
And while this key of taking
your time was important back in
00:27:37.22\00:27:41.12
the days when that Psalm, Psalm
130, was written, it is
absolutely crucial to use in our
00:27:41.12\00:27:46.29
day because there has been a
very specific change in how
marriages are made in
00:27:46.29\00:27:50.17
our day compared to back then.
Story. When Darlene and I were
00:27:50.17\00:27:59.11
just getting to know one another
and we're on the verge of dating
00:27:59.11\00:28:04.01
exclusively, we were at Sunset
Lake Summer Camp in the
foothills of Mount Rainier,
00:28:04.01\00:28:08.45
Washington state. It was a
beautiful camp. In those days,
it was fairly small,
00:28:08.45\00:28:11.19
but a beautiful spot. Sundays
were really the only days that
00:28:11.19\00:28:16.29
we had off. We would have free
time from noon on Sunday till
00:28:16.29\00:28:20.10
about 3:00 or so. And I had
asked Darlene for the very first
time to go out on a date with
00:28:20.10\00:28:26.33
me. And I chose well. I mean, I
aimed for the absolute top of
the culinary food chain
00:28:26.33\00:28:30.94
in our area. We were
going to go to Pizza Hut.
00:28:30.94\00:28:33.74
[ Laughter ] And she
said yes, and I was thrilled.
00:28:33.74\00:28:38.71
And I was particularly thrilled
because I knew the mode of
00:28:38.71\00:28:43.82
transportation we would use to
go on this date. She would be
riding in my car, my first car.
00:28:43.82\00:28:53.63
It was a 1973 Mercury
Capri 2.6-liter V-6. They're
00:28:53.63\00:28:59.37
German-made, four-speed manual
transmission, bucket seats. It
was an absolute babe magnet.
00:28:59.37\00:29:05.84
[ Laughter ] Okay, women -- I
mean, they would just "Oh!" when
00:29:05.84\00:29:09.28
I would drive by in that car,
and I knew that this was one of
the reasons why Darlene had said
00:29:09.28\00:29:13.65
yes, because she was probably
thinking to herself, "Not only
00:29:13.65\00:29:16.69
will I get to be with Shane, but
I will get to ride in his car."
This car, I paid $300 for it.
00:29:16.69\00:29:22.82
It was probably overpriced at
that amount, in retrospect. But
at the time, I mean, this
00:29:25.93\00:29:32.37
was the cat's meow. It was
yellow...mostly, right? Not all
00:29:32.37\00:29:39.41
of the Bondo had been painted,
so there was some parts of it
that stood out a little bit more
00:29:39.41\00:29:42.88
than others, but it was mostly
yellow. The trunk had no lock,
00:29:42.88\00:29:47.28
so I had run cables through the
frame, and there was a padlock
sticking out of the back.
00:29:47.28\00:29:51.22
And that way, I could keep all
of my valuable things that
others might be tempted to steal
00:29:51.22\00:29:55.46
from this car safe in there. So,
I'd washed it. I had vacuumed
00:29:55.46\00:30:01.40
things out. It had some
interesting smells to it, but I
knew that this would only
00:30:01.40\00:30:05.00
just kind of add to the
masculine ethos that was just
roaring through this car.
00:30:05.00\00:30:10.67
So, I said, "I'll pick you up at
your cabin." I drive over there.
00:30:10.67\00:30:14.34
I get out. I open the door for
her. She gets inside, and just,
you know, experiencing
00:30:14.34\00:30:17.68
this wonderful engineering.
Closed the door, and we go on
00:30:17.68\00:30:23.75
our date. It was perfect. A
man and his car and his babe.
00:30:23.75\00:30:30.16
[ Laughter ] And
we go into Pizza Hut
00:30:30.36\00:30:33.63
and we order pizza. I
had a root-beer float.
00:30:33.63\00:30:37.00
I mean, the food was perfect.
The conversation was heavenly.
00:30:37.00\00:30:41.40
We talked about the
present and the future.
00:30:41.40\00:30:43.37
I mean, it was
absolute just tops.
00:30:43.37\00:30:47.94
Sadly, time marches on,
and I looked at my watch.
00:30:47.94\00:30:51.25
"Oh, I guess we
got to get back."
00:30:51.25\00:30:52.65
I said, "Hey, you
know, let's clear the table.
00:30:52.65\00:30:54.72
Let's head back
there." So, we go outside,
00:30:54.72\00:30:56.62
and I open the door on her
side. She gets in and sits down,
00:30:56.62\00:30:59.02
and I close the door
and fire up that German V-6.
00:30:59.02\00:31:01.86
And up the hill we go and purred
up there into the parking lot.
00:31:01.86\00:31:04.99
I pulled around in what used to
be the main parking lot there,
right next to the cafeteria,
00:31:05.19\00:31:10.23
and I look over at her, and
she looks over at me. I said,
00:31:10.23\00:31:15.34
"I enjoyed our time together."
She said, "I did, too." I said,
"I'm glad we had this
00:31:15.34\00:31:21.14
time." "Me too, yeah." I
said, "Well, I guess I'll see
00:31:21.14\00:31:25.71
you later." "Okay. I'll see you
later." And she opens the door
00:31:25.71\00:31:30.59
and she steps out of the car,
leans down, waves goodbye. And
she closes the door,
00:31:30.59\00:31:37.36
and the right rear blinker on my
right rear fender fell out onto
00:31:37.36\00:31:43.70
the ground. [ Laughter ]
00:31:43.70\00:31:45.57
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to look cool when there are
00:31:51.01\00:31:54.41
parts falling off of your car,
and the girl that you are most
trying to impress is doing this?
00:31:54.41\00:32:00.58
[ Laughs ] Right? Okay? And
I knew something was terribly
00:32:00.58\00:32:05.22
wrong, right? So, I mean, I whip
my door open. I go back there
and I see this and I look at my
00:32:05.22\00:32:08.49
blinker and I look at Darlene
and I look at my blinker and I
00:32:08.49\00:32:10.86
look at Darlene and I say, "You
broke my car." [ Laughter ] She
00:32:10.86\00:32:17.33
said, "I didn't break your car."
I said, "You slammed the door."
She said, "I didn't slam the
00:32:17.33\00:32:20.64
door." And I tell you what --
I mean, it is impossible to be
00:32:20.64\00:32:25.11
putting the parts back on your
car and look cool in front of
00:32:25.11\00:32:27.64
anybody. I mean, I'm looking
around. I reach down, I grab the
blinker, and I stuff it in
00:32:27.64\00:32:30.85
there, tried to get it so it
would stay roughly in a spot. I
get in the car and I
00:32:30.85\00:32:34.22
don't say another word and
drive away back to my cabin.
00:32:34.22\00:32:37.55
Those of you that are
considering getting married, you
need to know something.
00:32:45.39\00:32:54.10
Dating is designed to hide
flaws. It's designed that way.
00:32:54.10\00:33:04.98
You say, "How do you know?" I
can guarantee you, if you're
going to go out on a first date,
00:33:04.98\00:33:10.09
gentlemen, if you haven't
showered all week long, you will
00:33:10.09\00:33:15.26
shower that night. You will find
clean clothes or at least ones
that smell less, right?
00:33:15.26\00:33:19.06
You will brush your teeth. You
will comb your hair. You will be
00:33:19.06\00:33:22.60
ready when you go out on a date,
because you do not wish to
present all of your flaws
00:33:22.60\00:33:27.17
here on your first date, right?
And some people, some people
continue to do that
00:33:27.17\00:33:33.68
for a very long time. And the
only way that you are going to
00:33:33.68\00:33:40.65
be able to find out the flaws
that this person actually has is
00:33:40.65\00:33:45.52
to be with them long enough to
see them. You see, sometimes,
all it takes is a first date
00:33:45.52\00:33:50.59
and a blinker falls off, and you
learn pretty quickly that
somebody's got a short
00:33:50.59\00:33:53.46
temper, alright? But a lot
of the other times, it takes a
00:33:53.46\00:33:57.57
good, long time to figure it
out. You know, there's an old
00:33:57.57\00:34:01.27
saying that says, "Go into
marriage with both eyes open
and, after marriage, with one
00:34:01.27\00:34:06.21
eye shut," because when you say
"I do," what you are really
saying -- On the one hand,
00:34:06.21\00:34:10.15
you're saying "I do commit to be
faithful to this person," et
cetera, "till death do we part,"
00:34:10.15\00:34:14.45
and you are very realistically
saying, "I do covenant that I
will live with this set of flaws
00:34:14.45\00:34:19.59
for the rest of my
life." >> Amen. [ Laughter ]
00:34:19.59\00:34:26.83
>> You see, if you ask God to
guide you in choosing your
spouse, He will show you the
00:34:26.83\00:34:31.03
wonderful traits of a
prospective spouse and He will
show you the hidden
00:34:31.03\00:34:34.97
flaws that you need to see
before you say "I do." He will
do this for you if you
00:34:34.97\00:34:39.44
trust Him, if you ask Him, but
He rarely does it overnight. So
you've got to stick around
00:34:39.44\00:34:46.45
long enough to figure out when
you've seen the real person.
You've got to take your time,
00:34:46.45\00:34:54.19
which, of course, brings up the
question, how much time? How
long do you have to date
00:34:54.19\00:34:57.46
before you know if this is Mr.
or Mrs. Right? You know, after
00:34:57.46\00:35:04.77
nearly 30 years of doing
pastoral ministry and
pre-marriage counseling for
00:35:04.77\00:35:08.00
dozens of couples and seeing
countless marriages both thrive
and fail, I have some pretty
00:35:08.00\00:35:12.01
firm opinions about this. And I
know some of you may not like
what I'm going to say next,
00:35:12.01\00:35:15.41
but here's the best that I know.
If you've dated for less than a
00:35:15.41\00:35:21.32
year, forget it. Don't even
consider getting married.
Because anyone can fake it
00:35:21.32\00:35:25.42
for a year. You might
say, "Well, why would somebody
00:35:25.42\00:35:29.69
try to fake it all that long?"
You know, we're not going to go
into all the psychology
00:35:29.69\00:35:32.93
and whatnot behind it. Let's
just say it happens. It happens.
00:35:32.93\00:35:36.20
Anyone can fake it for a year.
Instead of doing less than a
00:35:36.20\00:35:40.37
year, what I would suggest is
that you follow the two-year
rule, and it's just that.
00:35:40.37\00:35:44.01
The two-year rule is...
00:35:44.01\00:35:45.51
By the way, this includes those
of you that have known each
00:35:49.28\00:35:53.42
other since birth. I've had
people come up and say, "Oh,
but, Pastor Shane, I grew up, I
00:35:53.42\00:35:55.88
went to school with this
person," and whatnot. I said,
"Did you date?" "No, we didn't
00:35:55.88\00:35:58.02
date." "Oh, that's different."
Because when you start to date,
there's a difference
00:35:58.02\00:36:01.62
in that relationship. That's why
we date, right? Okay? Because
00:36:01.62\00:36:04.36
there is a difference there. And
you cannot know that person in
that type of relationship
00:36:04.36\00:36:08.50
unless you engage in that type
of a relationship. Two years
00:36:08.50\00:36:12.03
minimum. Two years minimum. I
won't marry a couple who hasn't
00:36:12.03\00:36:15.77
done it. And I know what some of
you are thinking right now,
because whenever I've presented
00:36:19.51\00:36:23.61
about this before and I give the
two-year rule, somebody
inevitably comes up afterwards
00:36:23.61\00:36:26.95
and says, "Uh, Pastor Shane, we
didn't follow that at all. We
got married after dating
00:36:26.95\00:36:31.29
for 45 seconds and we are still
happily married today." Okay?
00:36:31.29\00:36:35.89
Now, some of you are thinking
that, right? You're nodding your
00:36:35.89\00:36:37.93
heads, right? To which I would
say, "Praise the Lord. And you
are the exception."
00:36:37.93\00:36:45.13
In the Western world, where
dating is the norm and arranged
00:36:45.13\00:36:48.87
marriages are exceedingly rare,
you are the exception, because
for every marriage like yours,
00:36:48.87\00:36:53.64
my pastoral experience says that
there are 20 others that didn't
00:36:53.64\00:36:57.61
make it because they married
without knowing what they were
getting into, they married
00:36:57.61\00:37:01.45
without knowing who they were
getting married to, it led to
terrible troubles and ultimately
00:37:01.45\00:37:07.72
to divorce. So don't let it
happen to you. God can and will
show you Mr. or Mrs. Right,
00:37:07.72\00:37:14.73
but you've got to use this
second key -- take your time.
00:37:14.73\00:37:20.37
Which brings us to the third
and, some would say, rather
00:37:22.34\00:37:28.68
controversial key. Take a look
at Page 770 in your pew Bible.
It's 1 Corinthians 6:18.
00:37:28.68\00:37:35.92
1 Corinthians 6, beginning with
Verse 18. If you're not familiar
00:37:35.92\00:37:40.32
with this part of the Bible, 1
Corinthians is the first letter
that a guy by the name of
00:37:40.32\00:37:43.89
Paul, sometimes referred to as
the Apostle Paul, wrote to this
00:37:43.89\00:37:49.96
church in Corinth. Corinth had
some unique difficulties. It was
a challenging place
00:37:49.96\00:37:52.83
to be, including things that
apply to our discussion here,
00:37:52.83\00:37:56.10
and Paul is about to address
them. Under the inspiration
00:37:56.10\00:37:58.91
of the Holy Spirit of God,
this is what Paul says here. 1
00:37:58.91\00:38:03.81
Corinthians 6:18. "Flee from
sexual immorality. All other
sins a man commits are outside
00:38:03.81\00:38:11.22
his body, but he who sins
sexually sins against his own
body. Do you not know that your
00:38:11.22\00:38:16.22
body is a temple of the Holy
Spirit, who is in you, whom you
have received from God?
00:38:16.22\00:38:20.56
You are not your own. You were
bought at a price. Therefore,
00:38:20.56\00:38:24.50
honor God with your body."
"Flee," it says, "from sexual
00:38:24.50\00:38:33.11
immorality." The third key
to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is
00:38:33.11\00:38:37.28
this. And I know what some of
you are thinking -- "Pastor
Shane, that is old school.
00:38:49.52\00:38:56.77
Nobody follows that anymore. I
mean, everybody sleeps together
00:38:56.77\00:39:01.80
before they get married.
Everybody seems to be living
together before they get
00:39:01.80\00:39:04.14
married." And I would
say, "Well, I mean, not quite
00:39:04.14\00:39:06.98
everyone, but there are an awful
lot." You know, 2019, a Pew
Research Center survey
00:39:06.98\00:39:11.81
found that, in America, people
ages 18 to 44, 59% had
cohabitated with someone
00:39:11.81\00:39:19.59
prior to marriage. Cohabitation
-- that's just, you know,
00:39:19.59\00:39:22.42
the technical term for living
together, sleeping together
prior to getting married.
00:39:22.42\00:39:27.13
If you bump the age bracket a
little bit, ages 30 to 44, the
share of the population
00:39:27.13\00:39:32.67
that has cohabitated at
some time in their lives is a
00:39:32.67\00:39:40.78
whopping 71%. And why do people
do it? Actually, research shows
that there's a fairly small pool
00:39:40.78\00:39:48.62
of answers to that question.
Some people say finances. You
00:39:48.62\00:39:53.15
know, two can live cheaper than
one. Some people say, "Well,
just basic needs of
00:39:53.15\00:39:57.46
companionship." But many people,
at the top of their reason list
for moving together -- in
00:39:57.46\00:40:02.36
together is that it is a trial
run for marriage. In essence,
couples are saying,
00:40:02.36\00:40:08.84
"Well, we're not sure if
marriage will work out for us or
not, so let's do a test run."
00:40:08.84\00:40:15.81
And at first glance, it almost
makes sense. I mean, before you
00:40:15.81\00:40:19.35
buy a car, what do you do? You
test-drive it, right? Okay?
Before you buy a house,
00:40:19.35\00:40:24.29
you test it out. There's all
kinds of tests that are -- test
00:40:24.29\00:40:26.99
for radon, tests for pests and
termites and structural
integrity. So maybe that should
00:40:26.99\00:40:32.63
work for sleeping together,
living together, et cetera, as
00:40:32.63\00:40:39.20
well. Two things. Number one,
if you're worried about physical
00:40:39.20\00:40:43.91
intimacy working out in marriage
and, consequently, you feel you
00:40:43.91\00:40:47.48
need a test run before marriage,
let me just assure you, I've
00:40:47.48\00:40:51.31
spoken with the manufacturer,
and all the plumbing will work
00:40:51.31\00:40:55.82
as designed. You'll be fine.
Compatibility issues are rare.
You'll be just fine.
00:40:55.82\00:41:01.12
No need to do a test run for
that purpose, okay? And how
about the whole idea
00:41:01.12\00:41:05.66
of not just sleeping together,
but actually living together
00:41:05.66\00:41:08.86
before marriage? There's a whole
bunch that we could say about
that. Let me just bring it
00:41:08.86\00:41:11.70
down to this. Does it
work? It's supposed to be
00:41:11.70\00:41:19.27
a test run for marriage and it's
supposed to improve your odds of
00:41:19.27\00:41:22.04
finding marital
happiness. Does it work?
00:41:22.04\00:41:26.05
According to the word of God,
no, and, as it turns out, almost
every other researcher
00:41:29.75\00:41:37.29
on the planet over the last 10
years agrees with Him. It's
almost like God knew
00:41:37.29\00:41:41.13
what He was talking about. Now,
if you don't believe me, try
00:41:41.13\00:41:46.47
this for yourself. Do some
research of your own. Go online
and search for the phrase
00:41:46.47\00:41:49.44
"cohabitation before marriage"
or whatever combination of those
words you want to do.
00:41:49.44\00:41:53.44
"Cohabitation before marriage."
What you will find is that while
there are variations on how bad
00:41:53.44\00:41:57.91
an influence on marriage various
studies say it is, the data is
00:41:57.91\00:42:02.72
remarkably robust and united in
its conclusion that living
together before marriage does
00:42:02.72\00:42:06.96
not help. It hurts. It hurts.
Just a taste of some of the
research that's available
00:42:06.96\00:42:12.46
from over the last decade
or so. In the Journal of Family
00:42:12.46\00:42:16.77
Psychology, Rhoades, Stanley,
and Markman did a survey of over
1,000 different couples.
00:42:16.77\00:42:21.34
Here's what they found.
00:42:21.34\00:42:22.80
Well, I thought that's kind of
the opposite of what we were
trying to do, right?
00:42:30.15\00:42:33.11
And notice
this, what they found.
00:42:33.11\00:42:35.38
Wait a second. I mean, a
lot of guys in particular think,
00:42:44.53\00:42:47.76
"Oh, this is going to be
physical-pleasure Nirvana.
00:42:47.76\00:42:49.73
Perfect. We're going to move it
in." And then, actually,
statistically speaking,
00:42:49.73\00:42:52.67
it doesn't work that way. You
might scratch your head and say,
00:42:52.67\00:42:57.04
"Well, how come? Well, another
researcher, Dr. Meg Jay, when
she wrote this -- the University
00:42:57.04\00:43:01.54
of Virginia is where she taught.
She was a teaching psychologist.
She wrote an article
00:43:01.54\00:43:05.11
for The New York Times. In that,
she expressed that she found in
00:43:05.11\00:43:08.82
her research that living
together before marriage
substantially increases one's
00:43:08.82\00:43:13.96
odds of divorce. Huh. And then
she says this. "Women are more
likely to view cohabitation
00:43:13.96\00:43:19.53
as a step towards marriage,
while men are more likely to see
00:43:19.53\00:43:24.13
it as a way to test a
relationship or --" What's that
last line say? >> Postpone.
00:43:24.13\00:43:29.10
>> "Postpone commitment." Now,
hold on. This is supposed to be
00:43:29.10\00:43:34.54
an increase of our commitment. I
mean, we're moving in together,
00:43:34.54\00:43:37.55
right? This is ratcheting up.
Actually, statistically speaking
00:43:37.55\00:43:42.02
-- And, by the way, to the best
of my knowledge, Dr. Meg Jay,
nor the other researchers
00:43:42.02\00:43:45.42
or any of them that I read have
religious funding. These are
00:43:45.42\00:43:50.13
just people doing research. So
there's no agenda behind this.
00:43:50.13\00:43:54.50
What she found is, that,
actually, for guys, this is not
00:43:54.50\00:43:59.00
a way for them to increase their
commitment to their partner.
It's actually a way to avoid it.
00:43:59.00\00:44:04.84
It's almost like they're living
together with this person for a
00:44:04.84\00:44:10.21
different reason. Who knew?
Continuing on, she says, "And
this gender asymmetry
00:44:10.21\00:44:16.45
is associated with negative
interactions --" yeah, of course
00:44:16.45\00:44:20.02
-- "and lower levels of
commitment --" get this -- "even
after the relationship
00:44:20.02\00:44:23.76
progresses to marriage." So
couples that live together first
-- "Okay, this is our
00:44:23.76\00:44:27.93
trial run. This is our test
run." It actually led to lower
00:44:27.93\00:44:31.03
levels of commitment, And this
conflict carries over into their
00:44:31.03\00:44:35.34
marriages. Living together,
sleeping together -- it doesn't
work. Not just because God says
00:44:35.34\00:44:40.78
so. The research actually backs
it up. So I would humbly submit
00:44:40.78\00:44:46.01
that it is time to be
intelligent about the
ever-growing rate of couples who
00:44:46.01\00:44:51.55
sleep together, live together
before marriage. The dramatic
rise in cohabitation before
00:44:51.55\00:44:56.09
marriage over the last 30 years
-- and it has dramatically risen
-- is not a sign of wisdom,
00:44:56.09\00:45:01.33
but of fear. And, at times, it
is a sign also of manipulation
00:45:01.33\00:45:06.84
for selfish ends and even sheer
relational laziness. Listen
00:45:06.84\00:45:12.47
carefully. At the risk of being
overly blunt, if a person cannot
00:45:12.47\00:45:17.08
get to know someone else
sufficiently without getting
into bed with them first,
00:45:17.08\00:45:20.75
there is something wrong. That
person needs to grow up. They
00:45:20.75\00:45:28.52
need to mature. They need to
realize that relationships that
last, the ones that bring
00:45:28.52\00:45:32.89
lasting joy and fulfillment and
meaning -- those are the ones
that require work, at times hard
00:45:32.89\00:45:37.13
work. They require that we
pay attention to what the other
00:45:37.13\00:45:40.80
person says, what they think,
what they believe. It means that
00:45:40.80\00:45:43.61
we treat them as a whole human
being, a living soul, one that
demands our respect and full
00:45:43.61\00:45:48.84
attention, and not just someone
to have physical pleasure with.
Cutting corners by being
00:45:48.84\00:45:54.82
physically intimate with someone
that you do not have the courage
to commit forever to first
00:45:54.82\00:45:59.89
is not wise shopping or careful
testing. It is self-destruction.
00:45:59.89\00:46:05.69
You are quite literally harming
yourself and your partner. And
cogitate upon this.
00:46:05.69\00:46:12.93
If your prospective spouse is
willing to sleep with someone
they're not married
00:46:12.93\00:46:17.51
to before you get married, what
makes you think they won't be
00:46:17.51\00:46:21.98
willing to sleep with someone
they're not married to after you
get married? So if you are
00:46:21.98\00:46:29.88
currently living together before
marriage, in all humility, I
would gently urge you to move
00:46:29.88\00:46:36.59
out, to live separately. If
you're sleeping together before
00:46:36.59\00:46:40.06
marriage, whether you live
together or not, again, I would
gently encourage you to stop.
00:46:40.06\00:46:44.93
And if you do this --
notice carefully -- making these
00:46:44.93\00:46:48.97
changes, as hard as they can be,
will help your relational vision
to clear. You say, "Clear?
00:46:48.97\00:46:54.14
What do you mean 'clear'?" With
the misleading haze -- because
that's what it is --
00:46:54.14\00:46:59.01
the misleading haze of
premarital sex out of the way,
you will now be able to see
00:46:59.01\00:47:03.82
the other person more clearly,
to see their true suitability
00:47:03.82\00:47:07.89
for marriage, to see what your
relationship is actually built
upon. Is it built upon true
00:47:07.89\00:47:12.99
substance that will go a long
term or is it built merely on
pleasure? Respect yourself.
00:47:12.99\00:47:21.64
Respect your partner. Respect
God. Save physical intimacy
00:47:21.64\00:47:27.61
and living together for after
you get married. That's the
00:47:27.61\00:47:33.05
third key to finding Mr. or Mrs.
Right. There's a fourth and
final one. There are more, but
00:47:33.05\00:47:40.82
for our purposes this morning,
there's just one more this
00:47:40.82\00:47:43.66
morning. Page
443, Proverbs 24:5.
00:47:43.66\00:47:47.76
Proverbs 24, Verse 5, and we'll
also read Verse 6. Proverbs is a
00:47:49.96\00:47:57.71
book that's a collection of wise
sayings. Much of it's by King
Solomon, the wisest man who ever
00:47:57.71\00:48:02.81
lived. There's some from David
in here, as well. Proverbs --
00:48:02.81\00:48:05.35
it has some wise things to say
here about precisely our topic.
00:48:05.35\00:48:12.62
Verse 5. "A wise man has great
power, and a man of knowledge
increases strength.
00:48:12.62\00:48:20.06
For waging war, you need
guidance, and for victory, many
00:48:20.06\00:48:26.03
advisers." Let me read Verse 6
again. "For waging war, you need
guidance, and for victory,
00:48:26.03\00:48:32.11
many advisers." The fourth key
to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right is
00:48:32.11\00:48:40.55
to... And you might be thinking,
"Well, but wait a minute. The
Bible text in Proverbs
00:48:48.16\00:48:51.19
that you just read is not
talking about marriage. It's
talking about going to
00:48:51.19\00:48:54.23
war." And I say that's precisely
why it is talking about
00:48:54.23\00:49:04.01
marriage. Not because you're
going to war with your spouse --
we hope that doesn't happen --
00:49:04.01\00:49:08.11
but because the world is going
to war against your marriage.
What you see on TV,
00:49:08.11\00:49:14.02
what Hollywood produces, our
entertainment, our work
schedules that we're
00:49:14.02\00:49:17.99
so long away from home,
overindulged hobbies, et cetera,
et cetera, the world has
00:49:17.99\00:49:22.49
declared war on your marriage,
even if it hasn't begun yet. And
if you are going to win
00:49:22.49\00:49:27.60
that war, you will need the wise
counsel of people close to God
00:49:27.60\00:49:33.03
who can evaluate
your potential spouse.
00:49:33.03\00:49:35.44
Now, some of you are thinking,
"Are you crazy? This is my
00:49:39.04\00:49:44.48
decision, Pastor Shane. I and I
alone will choose who I am going
00:49:44.48\00:49:51.95
to marry." And you know what?
You're right. You are the only
one. So don't mess it up.
00:49:51.95\00:49:58.93
Why not make the best,
most informed decision you can
00:49:58.93\00:50:05.63
possibly make? Including by
asking people that are godly and
wise for their opinion.
00:50:05.63\00:50:12.71
There's been many couples over
the years that have asked me
about this very thing.
00:50:12.71\00:50:15.48
I remember one couple in
particular. This was within the
00:50:15.48\00:50:18.68
last 20 years, at a church
within 10,000 miles of here. I
walked in the door,
00:50:18.68\00:50:22.68
and the church secretary said,
"There's a couple that's waiting
down in the office."
00:50:22.68\00:50:26.55
So I said, "Okay." I
went down. Door was open.
00:50:26.55\00:50:29.79
I went in the office there. And
I need to describe the picture
00:50:29.79\00:50:33.09
here so you can kind of picture
it. On the right-hand side,
desk, chair, kind of usual
00:50:33.09\00:50:37.53
office things. On the other side
of the room, there was this kind
00:50:37.53\00:50:40.27
of sofa/love-seat thing suitable
for two, right? And on the love
00:50:40.27\00:50:45.27
seat were two rather young
people seeking to put the "love"
into love seat, right?
00:50:45.27\00:50:50.55
They were entwined with one
another. This was not Velcro.
00:50:50.55\00:50:53.72
This was surgical attachment,
right? I mean, they were wrapped
00:50:53.72\00:50:57.69
around each other like this,
okay? Like they shared an organ
or something right here.
00:50:57.69\00:51:01.12
I mean, this is kidneys going
together. And they're looking at
00:51:01.12\00:51:04.19
each other. I'm not making
this up. They're looking at each
00:51:04.19\00:51:06.66
other, oh, just... And I'm about
to throw up as I walk in the
00:51:06.66\00:51:11.40
room and see this
here like this, right?
00:51:11.40\00:51:12.97
But, you know, I
want to be professional.
00:51:13.17\00:51:14.77
I want to be kind. So
I introduce myself, say,
00:51:14.77\00:51:16.54
"I'm Pastor
Shane. What's your name?"
00:51:16.54\00:51:18.34
They tell me their name.
And I say, "How can I help you?"
00:51:18.34\00:51:22.01
And what transpires next,
you know, knowing what I know
00:51:22.01\00:51:24.95
now, I probably would have dealt
with it a little bit different,
00:51:24.95\00:51:27.15
but I'm just going to tell you
the story how it happened, okay?
00:51:27.15\00:51:30.05
I said, "How can I be of help?"
And they looked at each other
00:51:30.05\00:51:32.89
once again, batted
some eyelashes, and said,
00:51:32.89\00:51:36.29
"We want you to
perform our wedding ceremony.
00:51:36.29\00:51:40.10
And I looked back at
them and I said, "Why?
00:51:43.47\00:51:48.00
[ Laughter ] And, at
first, it didn't faze
00:51:48.00\00:51:51.94
them. I mean, they
were too engrossed,
00:51:51.94\00:51:53.71
you know, with one another.
"Uh, because we love each
00:51:53.71\00:51:57.91
other."
00:51:57.91\00:52:00.78
And I said, "No, you don't."
Okay, now I had their attention,
00:52:00.98\00:52:07.19
right? They said, "What do you
mean, 'No, you don't'?" I said,
"You don't love each
00:52:07.19\00:52:11.66
other." They said,
"Well, how do you know that?
00:52:11.66\00:52:14.00
I said, "Well, how long have you
known each other?" And I don't
00:52:14.00\00:52:16.87
remember the exact amount of
time, but it was a matter of
weeks. 17, 18 years old,
00:52:16.87\00:52:21.00
the two of them. They'd known
each other just for a few weeks,
00:52:21.00\00:52:23.41
never met each other before, and
now they wanted me to perform
their wedding ceremony.
00:52:23.41\00:52:27.61
And I said, "No, you don't love
each other. I said, "There may
00:52:27.61\00:52:30.15
be some lust, that's true, going
between you and there, and you
00:52:30.15\00:52:32.08
may be enjoying each other's
physical company, but I can't
imagine that there's any love
00:52:32.08\00:52:34.95
yet. That takes time, more time
than what you've given to each
00:52:34.95\00:52:37.85
other." I said, "I won't perform
your wedding ceremony, but if
you'd like, I can do
00:52:37.85\00:52:41.22
some relationship counseling. We
can talk about what it means to
be married and discuss
00:52:41.22\00:52:45.33
those types of things." And
they had no interest whatsoever
00:52:45.33\00:52:51.47
and that was essentially the end
of the conversation and I never
00:52:51.47\00:52:55.47
saw them again. But experience
is a good teacher, and I think I
know what happened.
00:52:58.57\00:53:02.88
Here's my guess. They were
so intent on getting married,
00:53:02.88\00:53:06.61
having somebody marry them, I'm
going to guess that they just
went down the street
00:53:06.61\00:53:09.58
until they found a church that
they knocked on the door and
00:53:09.58\00:53:12.95
that the pastor, priest, or
whoever would do their wedding
ceremony. And I'm going to guess
00:53:12.95\00:53:16.62
that they got married, they
might have had a kid or two,
00:53:16.62\00:53:18.69
and then they got divorced.
That's my guess, because that
00:53:18.69\00:53:23.47
kind of marriage cannot last. It
just doesn't work that way. And
if, indeed, that is
00:53:23.47\00:53:29.54
what happened, they could have
avoided it if they had simply
00:53:29.54\00:53:34.88
listened to the counsel of
somebody -- However ham-fisted I
00:53:34.88\00:53:39.15
conveyed it, if they had just
listened to the counsel of
someone who had been around the
00:53:39.15\00:53:42.68
track a few more times than
they had been. I tell you, this
00:53:42.68\00:53:47.66
separates the men from the boys,
the ladies from the girls, the
wishers and the whiners
00:53:47.66\00:53:50.66
from the winners. If you are
serious about being married
forever and liking it,
00:53:50.66\00:53:54.46
you need the counsel of godly,
wise people. So, practically
00:53:54.46\00:53:59.67
speaking, this is what this
means. First of all, get
pre-marriage counseling.
00:53:59.67\00:54:05.54
Get pre-marriage counseling. I
won't perform a wedding ceremony
00:54:05.54\00:54:08.74
in which pre-marriage counseling
has not already taken place.
What's pre-marriage counseling?
00:54:08.74\00:54:11.68
It's very simple. It's where you
go with somebody who's qualified
00:54:11.68\00:54:15.05
to do it through the basics of
marriage. I recommend that you
talk to a pastor or a Christian
00:54:15.05\00:54:19.89
counselor. They'll take you
through, sometimes, a battery of
tests which are extremely
00:54:19.89\00:54:23.56
helpful. You learn things about
yourself and about your
prospective spouse.
00:54:23.56\00:54:26.29
It really increases your odds of
marital success. I haven't seen
00:54:26.29\00:54:31.77
a recent survey. I remember, 10,
20 years ago, there was a survey
00:54:31.77\00:54:34.84
that was done. It showed a 20%
decrease in the likelihood of
divorce if you just got
00:54:34.84\00:54:40.01
pre-marriage counseling. That's
astonishing. 20% decrease in the
00:54:40.01\00:54:44.15
odds of divorce if all you do is
to get pre-marriage counseling.
00:54:44.15\00:54:49.58
So do it. Do it. Darlene and
I did it twice. We wanted to be
00:54:49.58\00:54:54.82
sure. Secondly... You know, if
you have godly parents, they
should be your first stop.
00:55:01.13\00:55:05.63
Ask them for their advice.
Believe it or not, they have
00:55:05.63\00:55:09.47
known you longer than anyone
else. They've seen what you've
done, what you haven't done,
00:55:09.47\00:55:14.64
the habits that you've formed
that are good, maybe the habits
00:55:14.64\00:55:17.45
you formed that are bad. They
know these things. And if they
00:55:17.45\00:55:20.55
are godly people, they are
craving -- I haven't -- I have
met one parent, but that's
00:55:20.55\00:55:25.39
another sermon. Most every
single parent I've ever met does
not wish marital disaster
00:55:25.39\00:55:29.56
on their children. They want
their children to succeed, so
00:55:29.56\00:55:33.70
ask them. Ask them for their
opinion. If that doesn't apply
in your particular situation,
00:55:33.70\00:55:37.40
find three older, godly, wiser
people and ask them. You know,
00:55:37.40\00:55:41.44
my wife and I, in addition to
getting feedback from our
families, we did ask three
00:55:41.44\00:55:44.94
older, wiser, Bible-based
couples. They all gave us
endorsements that just -- I
00:55:44.94\00:55:50.35
mean, they lit up our faces, and
it was assurance. All of them
said, in essence, "We can see
00:55:50.35\00:55:55.85
that God has brought you
together. We see the things that
you're doing together.
00:55:55.85\00:55:58.79
We think this is a right match."
It's one of the biggest reasons
that, when we marched down
00:55:58.79\00:56:02.79
the aisle, it was one of the
happiest days of our lives. We
knew that God had brought us
00:56:02.79\00:56:08.33
together. So, you want
to live happily ever after?
00:56:08.33\00:56:15.40
You want to stay married forever
and like it? Then start out the
00:56:15.40\00:56:19.24
right way before you get
married. Don't marry for love.
00:56:19.24\00:56:24.55
Marry for life. Look at the
practical things of life and
compatibility. Take your time.
00:56:24.55\00:56:28.18
Give time for those flaws to
surface. Save physical intimacy
00:56:28.18\00:56:31.39
for marriage. Don't sleep
together or live together before
00:56:31.39\00:56:34.42
you say "I do." And seek counsel
from wise, God-following people.
You do these things, and
00:56:34.42\00:56:38.73
someday, when you walk down the
aisle, you, too, can have the
assurance that this man or this
00:56:38.73\00:56:43.03
woman will truly be with you
happily and forever. >> Amen.
00:56:43.03\00:56:50.21
>> I'm Shane Anderson,
the lead pastor here at
00:56:53.01\00:56:55.68
Pioneer Memorial Church.
At Pioneer Media, we have been
00:56:55.68\00:56:59.41
blessed by the financial support
that comes from our viewers
00:56:59.41\00:57:02.65
like you that enable us
to continue this ministry.
00:57:02.65\00:57:06.72
We've made a conscious decision
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00:57:06.72\00:57:09.82
for that support.
However, keeping this ministry
00:57:09.82\00:57:12.59
going takes money to support
our staff and technology needs.
00:57:12.59\00:57:17.13
If God has blessed you
and you would like to further
00:57:17.13\00:57:19.57
the work of this ministry, we
invite you to partner with us.
00:57:19.57\00:57:23.81
You can donate on our
website, pmchurch.org,
00:57:23.81\00:57:27.58
then click "giving" at the top,
then select "media ministry,"
00:57:27.58\00:57:32.85
or call the number 877-HIS-WILL.
Again, that number is
00:57:32.85\00:57:37.75
877-the two words HIS-WILL.
My prayer is that the God
00:57:37.75\00:57:43.56
who has blessed you will
continue to pour into your life
00:57:43.56\00:57:46.63
the gifts of His
joy and His hope.
00:57:46.63\00:57:49.56
Thank you. And
I'm looking forward to
00:57:49.56\00:57:51.93
seeing you right
here again next time.
00:57:51.93\00:57:54.37
い
00:58:00.34\00:58:02.21