The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello, welcome to Pure Choices.
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My name is Brittany Hill-Morales
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and I'll be today's host.
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We have a great topic today.
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We're talking about
routine versus spontaneity,
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trying to maintain the
success of your marriage,
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the happiness in your marriage
so that you can go all the way.
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But before we
start this discussion,
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let's pray.
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Dear kindly
most heavenly Father,
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dear Lord, I pray that
You will be with us right here
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as we're having this discussion.
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You also be here
with the viewers at home.
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We love you so much,
in Jesus' name, amen.
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Amen. Amen.
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So before we begin,
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let's introduce
our wonderful guests.
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We have Mrs.
Dajanae Anderson from Texas,
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she's a graduate student.
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And we also have
Keith Hackle from Iowa
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who is a pastor over there.
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So routine versus spontaneity.
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We've all been married for
a different lengths of time.
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I've been married
for over two years now,
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happily married, I
do love my husband.
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And, Dajanae, you've
been recently married,
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so it's going to be
about four months in December.
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Right.
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And Keith, you've been
married for over 12 years.
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Yes.
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So I believe that each
one of us had expectations
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before we got married
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and we probably
heard a few tips and ideas
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on how to be
successful in our marriage.
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Just for a few moments
just talk about what you heard,
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what you're doing now
and maybe even for those
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who've been married
a little bit longer,
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what has kind of been
going wrong kind of discussion.
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For me, I didn't hear anything.
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As a matter of fact,
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there's very few
examples in my family
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or in general circle of
marriages that have lasted.
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So when we got
together, it was like, okay,
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well, the expectation
is a couple years maybe,
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maybe five years if we
argue long enough after that
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and then there wouldn't
be a marriage after that.
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So coming together there
wasn't many expectations.
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But once we got together,
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I will say this there
was a wonderful couple,
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brilliant couple who
we asked him a question,
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they've been married
for I think 30 years,
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children went off to do great.
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And so one day I
asked him, I said,
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"How did you all survive?
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What did you do?"
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And I think they gave me a
response that was different
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but I value it now.
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They said you need to understand
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that your
children are important.
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Your children are
important but your children
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are just a
product of the marriage.
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What's
important is the marriage.
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So you make sure,
that's what the husband said,
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he said, you make sure
you pour into your marriage,
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take that time
out, send the kids away
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and you all go and
take some time together
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one-on-one because if
you take care of the kids
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but the marriage suffers,
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what happens when
they're 18 years old?
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They go off to college.
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Now you have the
stranger in the house with you
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who you don't know
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and it makes it
difficult for you to go
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from 18 years to 36 years now.
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But I knew so many couples
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who at that
point of 18 years old
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when the kids were leaving,
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all of a sudden
they're filing for divorce.
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And it was strange to
me as how that would happen
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and putting those
two things together,
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I began to realize he was right,
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they focused on the kids
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but they didn't
focus on the marriage.
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Right. Yeah.
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Right.
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And I think that's
crazy to me 'cause I have...
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I'm originally from California
and I have some friends,
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you know, of
different religious backgrounds
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and I have one
friend in particular
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who's not really associated
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with any
religious background at all.
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And she was
saying that her concept,
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people who have no
religious background,
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not everyone thinks this way,
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this is just particular for her.
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She was saying that's
the only purpose of marriage.
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She was saying the only reason
why it's socially acceptable
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to get married
is to have children
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and then raise those
children until they're 18.
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So that, you
know, there's a unit
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that they can go back
to but once they're 18,
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they're adults
now, they move out,
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they have their own lives,
you can decide to stay married
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but that's not
really like the process
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and the purpose of marriage
is just to raise a child
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or multiple children.
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And I think within Christianity
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we don't except
that as the truth.
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And so, yeah,
that's what I thought about
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as you made that statement.
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I would probably add, Dajanae,
that we may not write it down
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and say this is the
truth but that's how we behave.
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Right.
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I remember reading experience
of a young lady and she said,
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"I'm 99% mother and 1% wife."
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And she basically
discussed that it was important
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for her to focus on her kids.
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Dropping them off at
school, picking them up,
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taking them to soccer games,
all these different things,
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that was her focus.
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She sees her
husband, she's like,
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"Do take out the trash?"
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And then she keeps on moving.
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And she basically
concluded that hopefully maybe
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by the end of this
all she will know him
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and he will know
her, but right now
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she can't focus on him right now
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because she's 99%
mother and 1% wife.
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And there was a flip to it
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where someone
have tried to said,
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"Wait no, you need to be
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51% wife and 49% mother."
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Your relationship to
your spouse is primary.
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Yes, you never know
if you're going to have
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to change up your times
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between your
husband and your children,
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but you have to put
your spouse as primary
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because without your
spouse the kids are not there.
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And I'm thinking
about my experience.
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Maybe I'm just imagining it
but when my husband and I kiss
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my little daughter looks
up and she's like smiling.
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Yeah.
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There's like this
happiness and glare versus
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if we were at odds or
are constantly fighting
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or arguing there.
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And outside of the kids,
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but if you're
putting your kids first
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and that's a reason
why you should focus
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on your
relationship, your marriage,
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keep that connection.
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Everything else feels at
odds when you don't focus
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on your husband and
that's why there is so much,
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you know, sexless marriages.
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Yeah, it's true.
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Yeah, I would
definitely agree with you.
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I appreciate that
correction because there's,
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I think the
correction that you just made
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is even though we do
not have that in writing
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as you say, it's not a doctrine,
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it's not in our
dogma to say that marriage
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is just to raise a
child, that's how we behave,
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some of us, that's
how some of us behave
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and to the
statement of your child,
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you know, valuing the intimacy,
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the affection there
she sees taking place
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between you and your
husband, I think about...
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My parents are going
through divorce right now
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and while our home
was never a perfect home.
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I remember when my
parents bought the first house.
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And we had a house
warming and like my parents,
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and part of the house
warming they came together
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and my dad like
dipped my mom down
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and kissed her
and like my heart,
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I was happy, you
know, there was a...
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My parents are giving
each other affection like,
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that's so beautiful,
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that so like it was great to me.
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I still have that
memory locked into my mind.
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And so yeah, there is a,
and then the other reality
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is I'm 24 years
old and my family,
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my parents are still
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very, very big into who I am
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that having the base
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of parents together
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is still necessary
for adult children.
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And so yeah, I would
definitely agree with that.
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And the Bible says
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that a good man
leaves an inheritance
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for his
children's children, right?
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And so you're going
beyond just your children
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to now your grandchildren
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and we often
look at money, right?
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Possessions and
things like that,
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but an inheritance that
we need to consider also
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is a family unit, right?
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So in many cases we
are inheriting brokenness,
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and hatred, divisiveness,
those are all the things
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that we're inheriting but really
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what God would
like for us to inherit
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or to leave for our
children is love and compassion,
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and caring, right?
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So my kids can come
home for the holidays
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and they can spend
time with the family
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and then not
only that but later,
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the grandchildren can come home
and spend time with the family
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and so that
doesn't happen though
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if mom and dad
don't know each other,
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if they're not on the same page,
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then that doesn't happen.
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So it's important when we
look at having a relationship
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with one another as
husband and wife, we are,
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if we're doing it the right way,
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we are actually doing
this for our children.
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And we are actually doing
this for our grandchildren.
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And hopefully if God
gives us the opportunity even
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for our great grandchildren,
this becomes a lineage
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where you'd know
when I marry someone,
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I might be with this
person for the rest of my life,
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not for a couple of years...
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Right.
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Not for a couple
months, and in this day and age,
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a couple weeks.
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But this is life... Yeah.
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This is for life.
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And that's important for
us to develop as a society.
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Yeah, so some of
the ways that, you know,
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we try to keep
that going because,
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and I think one of
the myths is also that
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if you are within Christianity,
if you're in Christ,
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and you guys both love
the Lord and you get married,
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then you're not
going to have any problems
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and that you will
stay married forever
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as long as you
maintain your Christian values.
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And there's more to within that,
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that yes, it is still, you know,
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keeping a relationship
with Christ is always number one
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and primary
foundational, I mean,
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for us the peace is without it.
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But within that there
are some manifestations
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that I believe the Spirit of God
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can lead us into and
that the Spirit of God
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gives wisdom to
us and gives wisdom
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to other people to give to us,
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to know how to
maintain a relationship.
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And so sometimes
there's a necessity,
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I've heard 'cause I
have not yet raised children
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but I've heard, you know,
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psychologists say
and Christians say,
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routine is necessary.
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Routine is
necessary for anything
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that's going to be long lasting.
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There's a routine
that churches have.
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There's a routine
that schools have.
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There's a routine
that businesses have
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in order to
function consistently
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over a long period of time.
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And so in the same way
marriages need routine.
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And I think the other
thing that you were bringing up
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is the difference between
what happens if I have routine
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but I have no,
there's no surprises.
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You know, can my marriage
still be strong if we just stay
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within the routine aspect of it?
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I was about to bring that
up because recently statistics
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are showing that, you
know, divorce is declining,
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the rates of
divorce is declining.
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But the reason why the
rates of divorce is declining
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is the rates of marriages
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have also not been
happening as frequently
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because people are
not getting married.
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And one of the
reasons some people say
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is marriage is boring.
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It's not spontaneous.
You don't have any fun.
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We are all married.
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I don't think
that's true. Right.
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My marriage is
exciting but like you said
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routine is important.
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And for me
personally my marriage right now
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that's what we're
trying to establish,
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a routine to give us
something to look forward to,
00:12:51.27\00:12:53.64
seeing on Sundays
that's my day off,
00:12:53.67\00:12:56.50
for every other
Sunday is my day off
00:12:56.54\00:12:58.51
and other
Sunday is your day off.
00:12:58.54\00:13:00.08
Mondays you have the
freedom, Tuesdays I don't
00:13:00.11\00:13:02.91
because it gives you
something to look forward to.
00:13:02.94\00:13:05.41
You get excited saying, "Okay,
Wednesday is our date night.
00:13:05.45\00:13:09.02
That is our date time."
00:13:09.05\00:13:10.69
And it's not
only exciting for us,
00:13:10.72\00:13:12.25
but it's also
exciting for the children
00:13:12.29\00:13:13.69
because they know
Wednesday is that time
00:13:13.72\00:13:16.26
when mommy's gonna dress
up, daddy's gonna dress up
00:13:16.29\00:13:19.59
and they gonna walk out
and they gonna be so happy,
00:13:19.63\00:13:22.03
and uncle so-and-so or nana
00:13:22.06\00:13:24.17
or somebody is
going to babysit me
00:13:24.20\00:13:26.23
so they can be together.
00:13:26.27\00:13:28.30
So routine is important.
00:13:28.34\00:13:30.47
I'm having too much
spontaneous when I don't know
00:13:30.51\00:13:32.91
if we're gonna
have date night or not,
00:13:32.94\00:13:35.14
that doesn't make me
happy, I'm just gonna be honest.
00:13:35.18\00:13:37.51
I love my husband, he
loves me, but when we don't know
00:13:37.55\00:13:40.08
if it's actually gonna happen
00:13:40.12\00:13:41.45
because something else
is going on, it messes up.
00:13:41.48\00:13:44.35
And if we don't have devotion
every morning at the same time,
00:13:44.39\00:13:47.96
it messes the entire day
up because routine does have
00:13:47.99\00:13:51.13
an importance
especially in marriage.
00:13:51.16\00:13:53.09
Right.
00:13:53.13\00:13:54.46
There is our
premarital counselors
00:13:54.50\00:13:58.87
where they
demonstrate something for us,
00:13:58.90\00:14:01.44
they've never verbalized it
00:14:01.47\00:14:03.17
but they've demonstrated
something for us in that.
00:14:03.20\00:14:08.04
The husband doesn't
necessarily celebrate his wife
00:14:08.08\00:14:14.92
during the holidays.
00:14:14.95\00:14:16.89
So birthday, Valentine's
day, that's not, you know,
00:14:16.92\00:14:22.56
he's kind of
rebellious, and that he's not,
00:14:22.59\00:14:25.39
our society
says this is the time
00:14:25.43\00:14:26.93
that I'm
supposed to love my wife.
00:14:26.96\00:14:29.13
He says I do it but
I do it all the time.
00:14:29.16\00:14:32.87
I buy her flowers
and I'll see like,
00:14:32.90\00:14:34.24
"What's going on?
00:14:34.27\00:14:35.60
Why you have this big bouquet?"
00:14:35.64\00:14:36.97
If I was like, "Oh, he
just bought it for me."
00:14:37.01\00:14:38.34
And he started to have
his whole eye, you know,
00:14:38.37\00:14:39.71
just light up,
it just lights up.
00:14:39.74\00:14:43.95
And they've been
married for years.
00:14:43.98\00:14:45.31
They've been married for
I think over 30, 40 years.
00:14:45.35\00:14:50.45
And that's something that
they do to randomly, you know,
00:14:50.49\00:14:54.06
bring her flowers
or randomly, you know,
00:14:54.09\00:14:55.89
just something that she likes.
00:14:55.92\00:14:57.56
And I think that
there is also something
00:14:57.59\00:14:59.89
that wives can do
for their husbands
00:14:59.93\00:15:01.80
to spice up the relationship,
00:15:01.83\00:15:03.97
do something spontaneous
just to keep the flowing,
00:15:04.00\00:15:09.64
keep the chemistry going
over long periods of time.
00:15:09.67\00:15:14.91
I agree. All
have calendars, right?
00:15:14.94\00:15:19.45
And it's easy for us
to fill up our calendars
00:15:19.48\00:15:21.32
with things to do.
00:15:21.35\00:15:22.68
And it was during a
Bible study one time
00:15:22.72\00:15:25.09
and so when I was
reading Bible study
00:15:25.12\00:15:26.92
and it talked about the Sabbath,
00:15:26.96\00:15:31.26
it was talking about the Sabbath
00:15:31.29\00:15:32.63
and how that's
God's special day to Him,
00:15:32.66\00:15:35.76
to be with us,
that's His special day,
00:15:35.80\00:15:37.87
He looks forward to that
00:15:37.90\00:15:39.23
and we should
look forward to that.
00:15:39.27\00:15:40.60
But to tell the
story of the Sabbath,
00:15:40.64\00:15:42.84
he used another analogy of a dad
00:15:42.87\00:15:44.94
who had these little children
00:15:44.97\00:15:46.31
and they found his
calendar or something like that.
00:15:46.34\00:15:49.34
And they were looking in
there and every single Wednesday
00:15:49.38\00:15:51.61
to your point, it had a
date with my best friend.
00:15:51.65\00:15:55.68
Date with my best friend.
00:15:55.72\00:15:57.12
And then looking at this
00:15:57.15\00:15:58.49
and they were
like, "Wait a minute.
00:15:58.52\00:15:59.85
Dad has on his
calendar every single week
00:15:59.89\00:16:02.92
in his calendar date
with my best friend."
00:16:02.96\00:16:04.99
And so they were able to
see how important it was today,
00:16:05.03\00:16:08.33
he put it on his calendar.
00:16:08.36\00:16:10.07
And so I had to take that
away and I began putting my wife
00:16:10.10\00:16:12.87
and my children
they each have their days
00:16:12.90\00:16:14.80
and things like that,
and to be able to see that
00:16:14.84\00:16:16.57
in your calendar
let you know that
00:16:16.60\00:16:18.81
that person
values this time, right?
00:16:18.84\00:16:21.14
And so that's being consistent.
00:16:21.18\00:16:22.78
But then there are times
00:16:22.81\00:16:24.41
where you need
to get off script,
00:16:24.45\00:16:27.25
it's important.
00:16:27.28\00:16:28.65
So just a couple weeks ago,
if I can just share a story,
00:16:28.68\00:16:30.82
my wife was at school,
00:16:30.85\00:16:32.19
she's studying to
be a nurse right now
00:16:32.22\00:16:33.69
and she was
expecting to be in there.
00:16:33.72\00:16:35.52
Wednesdays are her long days
and so I just showed up one day
00:16:35.56\00:16:39.66
and brought her lunch
00:16:39.69\00:16:41.03
and I didn't know where she was,
00:16:41.06\00:16:42.40
the lady went found
her and she's thinking
00:16:42.43\00:16:43.97
something's wrong but it's like,
00:16:44.00\00:16:45.33
I just have lunch for you today.
00:16:45.37\00:16:46.70
And a stuff like
that allows you to know
00:16:46.74\00:16:49.54
either with having
the scheduled date,
00:16:49.57\00:16:51.84
those spontaneous things
00:16:51.87\00:16:54.08
just keep
everything fresh, right?
00:16:54.11\00:16:56.28
And new, and so it's important
to have the schedule things,
00:16:56.31\00:17:00.48
it's important to be spontaneous
00:17:00.52\00:17:02.28
if you want your marriage
to last for a long time.
00:17:02.32\00:17:05.85
It's important. Completely.
00:17:05.89\00:17:07.86
And like you said,
routine to create a symbol,
00:17:07.89\00:17:11.26
it's like okay,
Dad really loves Mom.
00:17:11.29\00:17:14.90
He really cares about her. Yes.
00:17:14.93\00:17:16.50
She's not just this
person who he had to be with
00:17:16.53\00:17:18.70
because of me.
00:17:18.73\00:17:20.07
And kids know
that, they feel it,
00:17:20.10\00:17:22.00
my parents are just
together because of me.
00:17:22.04\00:17:24.54
We're going back to
trying to keep your match
00:17:24.57\00:17:26.74
'cause you don't
want to be divorced.
00:17:26.78\00:17:28.64
I think all of us
we entered marriage
00:17:28.68\00:17:30.35
not having the
mentality... Long-term.
00:17:30.38\00:17:31.81
We want long-term
all the way. Yes, yes.
00:17:31.85\00:17:33.78
Until Christ comes.
00:17:33.82\00:17:35.45
We hear about
routines and we hear all these
00:17:35.48\00:17:37.02
different great ideas.
00:17:37.05\00:17:39.32
Date nights and all
this different stuff,
00:17:39.35\00:17:40.69
we want to
implement all of them.
00:17:40.72\00:17:42.22
Yes. One time.
00:17:42.26\00:17:43.59
Yes. Yes.
00:17:43.63\00:17:44.96
Not going to work,
it's not gonna work.
00:17:44.99\00:17:46.93
You have to implement
small things one at a time,
00:17:46.96\00:17:51.10
I think it only
takes 21 days or 21 times
00:17:51.13\00:17:54.14
for something to
happen to create a habit.
00:17:54.17\00:17:56.24
If you're trying to do
everything at one time,
00:17:56.27\00:17:59.61
it's going to overload.
00:17:59.64\00:18:03.35
Something's gonna not happen
00:18:03.38\00:18:05.15
and you gonna have
frustration or upset.
00:18:05.18\00:18:07.02
So how do you go
about trying to start small
00:18:07.05\00:18:11.55
and figuring out what
to add to the routine?
00:18:11.59\00:18:15.42
Well, my schedule,
specially being a pastor,
00:18:15.46\00:18:19.66
we've been intentional
to say this is our time.
00:18:19.69\00:18:23.30
And so we just
say this is our day,
00:18:23.33\00:18:25.17
this is what we're gonna go for,
00:18:25.20\00:18:26.80
but we also understand
00:18:26.84\00:18:28.17
that there's
things that might come up
00:18:28.20\00:18:29.54
and that's important to
communicate those things
00:18:29.57\00:18:31.34
that are gonna come up
00:18:31.37\00:18:32.71
and so your
spouse doesn't feel like
00:18:32.74\00:18:34.81
they're being let down,
but they also need to know
00:18:34.84\00:18:37.51
that you value this time, right?
00:18:37.55\00:18:39.88
And so it might be
going out just for a walk,
00:18:39.91\00:18:44.49
going to the park
and taking some pictures,
00:18:44.52\00:18:46.29
taking some selfies together
00:18:46.32\00:18:47.66
and just being able to
spend some time together.
00:18:47.69\00:18:49.52
We've done a good
job of not necessarily
00:18:49.56\00:18:51.99
always nailing down
what we're going to do
00:18:52.03\00:18:55.03
but to be able to
say this is your time,
00:18:55.06\00:18:57.33
this is our time together.
00:18:57.37\00:18:59.33
We don't know
what we're gonna do,
00:18:59.37\00:19:00.80
we might just go off the
cuff this particular week
00:19:00.84\00:19:03.27
or we may plan something
for months down the line,
00:19:03.30\00:19:06.07
but this time
is dedicated to you
00:19:06.11\00:19:09.61
and that helps
make that thing work,
00:19:09.64\00:19:12.91
and it lets the
other person know
00:19:12.95\00:19:14.28
that you really care about them.
00:19:14.32\00:19:15.65
Yeah, so I make a silly face
00:19:15.68\00:19:17.62
because as you just
stated a little while ago,
00:19:17.65\00:19:21.02
I've only been
married for about four months.
00:19:21.06\00:19:23.79
So we're still
trying to work that,
00:19:23.83\00:19:26.59
we're still trying
to make that happen
00:19:26.63\00:19:28.50
and being completely lost.
00:19:28.53\00:19:29.86
We're still trying
to make that happen.
00:19:29.90\00:19:31.37
We're in a new
place being married,
00:19:31.40\00:19:35.17
I literally
graduated my undergrad,
00:19:35.20\00:19:37.44
started working for my
school, and then getting married
00:19:37.47\00:19:44.48
and moving to a
whole another state.
00:19:44.51\00:19:47.08
And so, and we're in that
state because my husband's
00:19:47.12\00:19:50.99
intern chaplain at
the hospital there,
00:19:51.02\00:19:53.29
doing his CPE
clinical pastoral education
00:19:53.32\00:19:56.56
and so we're still
trying to work those things out.
00:19:56.59\00:20:01.13
So in turn, you know,
00:20:01.16\00:20:02.50
he comes home
and it's like okay,
00:20:02.53\00:20:04.43
now it's time for you
to tell me about your day.
00:20:04.47\00:20:07.40
Now it's time for us to regroup
since we've been separate
00:20:07.44\00:20:11.84
for most of the day.
00:20:11.87\00:20:13.38
I mean, now we're here,
so that's when, you know,
00:20:13.41\00:20:16.04
small thing that
we are just beginning
00:20:16.08\00:20:19.31
to put into play.
00:20:19.35\00:20:21.55
But everything is not
yet, you know, we're new so...
00:20:21.58\00:20:24.29
You know, but
that's important though
00:20:24.32\00:20:26.25
to be able to just say,
"Listen, and I'm coming in
00:20:26.29\00:20:29.72
and I'm just
sharing my day with you."
00:20:29.76\00:20:31.09
That's important.
00:20:31.13\00:20:32.46
Like you actually
listening to me, right?
00:20:32.49\00:20:33.90
Like put your phone down
like and actually look respond,
00:20:33.93\00:20:37.20
like that's
important and then you...
00:20:37.23\00:20:38.57
Say that again,
put your phone down.
00:20:38.60\00:20:40.80
Put your phone
down, don't you feel like
00:20:40.84\00:20:43.94
can I get some eye contact.
00:20:43.97\00:20:45.31
I got a friend, he says
this to his wife, he says,
00:20:45.34\00:20:47.44
just be present,
can you be present?
00:20:47.48\00:20:49.24
Well, there's just a moment,
I understand you're busy.
00:20:49.28\00:20:51.55
But that's a start.
00:20:51.58\00:20:53.28
And so also don't try to
gauge, I know Facebook is huge,
00:20:53.31\00:20:59.05
so you can look
at people's pictures
00:20:59.09\00:21:00.42
and everybody always smiling
00:21:00.46\00:21:01.99
in their
Facebook pictures, right?
00:21:02.02\00:21:03.36
So there's never a
bad day on Facebook
00:21:03.39\00:21:05.19
and we begin to measure our life
00:21:05.23\00:21:06.56
by people's Facebook pages.
00:21:06.59\00:21:08.40
But we don't see the times
00:21:08.43\00:21:10.40
where they
weren't smiling, right?
00:21:10.43\00:21:12.07
This could be the first
time they went on vacation
00:21:12.10\00:21:13.97
in 20 years and
to us it looks like
00:21:14.00\00:21:16.00
they go on vacation every week.
00:21:16.04\00:21:17.54
So just get your
thing and say this is us,
00:21:17.57\00:21:21.14
even if it's just
coming home from work,
00:21:21.18\00:21:23.35
putting the phone
down and just talking.
00:21:23.38\00:21:26.72
Another thing that works for us
00:21:26.75\00:21:28.08
and my family this is important,
00:21:28.12\00:21:29.95
sitting down and
eating meal together.
00:21:29.98\00:21:31.79
Yeah. Eating a meal together.
00:21:31.82\00:21:34.86
We may have a video
watched, being shown
00:21:34.89\00:21:38.16
or something like that
but we're eating together,
00:21:38.19\00:21:39.76
we're not in different
rooms or anything like that.
00:21:39.79\00:21:42.23
And so that gives us time.
00:21:42.26\00:21:44.73
My kids know, my wife knows,
we're eating dinner together,
00:21:44.77\00:21:47.50
you know, call me if I'm out,
00:21:47.54\00:21:48.87
"Dude, we're
about to eat dinner,
00:21:48.90\00:21:50.24
you need to get home."
00:21:50.27\00:21:51.61
And so that's our sit down
time and even if it's just that,
00:21:51.64\00:21:53.68
and at that time
00:21:53.71\00:21:55.04
you're bouncing
stuff off each other,
00:21:55.08\00:21:56.41
starting somewhere
is vitally important.
00:21:56.44\00:21:58.68
Yeah, we do
that. We do that too.
00:21:58.71\00:22:00.42
Like my husband, his
family, they used to eat
00:22:00.45\00:22:05.35
and go to their separate
rooms and towards the end
00:22:05.39\00:22:08.12
before I went to college,
my family began to do that too.
00:22:08.16\00:22:11.26
We didn't sit down at the table.
00:22:11.29\00:22:14.46
Food will be cooked and
when you're ready to eat,
00:22:14.50\00:22:16.36
you grab your
food and then people go
00:22:16.40\00:22:18.47
to different parts of the house
00:22:18.50\00:22:20.50
but because he didn't
have it, he told me we eat,
00:22:20.54\00:22:24.91
you're gonna be at the
table and I'm cool with that...
00:22:24.94\00:22:27.24
Yes.
00:22:27.28\00:22:28.61
You know, and it's
definitely an intimate time
00:22:28.64\00:22:31.08
that we have that's not,
00:22:31.11\00:22:33.18
you know,
different level of intimacy
00:22:33.21\00:22:35.48
but it's
intentional being present,
00:22:35.52\00:22:38.62
looking at you,
responding, computer is close,
00:22:38.65\00:22:41.69
Facebook is put away,
00:22:41.72\00:22:43.36
telephone is put away, you know,
00:22:43.39\00:22:44.96
we may have some
music playing, you know,
00:22:44.99\00:22:46.93
if the computer is open
but the face of the computer
00:22:46.96\00:22:49.16
is facing the wall, you
know, kind of the things.
00:22:49.20\00:22:51.17
So yeah, that's
definitely valuable.
00:22:51.20\00:22:54.30
So some things that
we've discussed thus far
00:22:54.34\00:22:55.94
about having
successful marriages,
00:22:55.97\00:22:58.87
things to implement to
help you press forward,
00:22:58.91\00:23:01.54
things like being
intentional, being present,
00:23:01.58\00:23:05.05
completely present, no
Facebook, no Instagram,
00:23:05.08\00:23:07.65
no Twitter, not
watching TV sometimes but not...
00:23:07.68\00:23:12.02
Now that should
not be your only way
00:23:12.05\00:23:13.66
to spend time with each other.
00:23:13.69\00:23:15.02
Right.
00:23:15.06\00:23:16.39
Making sure you're
putting each other first
00:23:16.42\00:23:18.96
and spending that quality time
00:23:18.99\00:23:20.33
so you don't wake up one
day wondering who did I marry?
00:23:20.36\00:23:23.77
Who are you? Why are you here?
00:23:23.80\00:23:25.43
Because people change. Right.
00:23:25.47\00:23:27.37
And I think another thing
that you guys having mentioned
00:23:27.40\00:23:29.30
is also talking,
communicating, saying,
00:23:29.34\00:23:32.01
"Babe, I'm not
sure if I'll be able
00:23:32.04\00:23:33.48
to have it today
at this location,
00:23:33.51\00:23:36.14
but we can
probably go somewhere else."
00:23:36.18\00:23:37.68
Right.
00:23:37.71\00:23:39.05
Keep that open communication,
those are all tools
00:23:39.08\00:23:41.32
that help you to be able to
be successful in your marriage.
00:23:41.35\00:23:43.69
Yeah.
00:23:43.72\00:23:45.05
And I think
another important thing
00:23:45.09\00:23:46.65
is my husband
and I we do devotion.
00:23:46.69\00:23:48.79
And during our devotions
00:23:48.82\00:23:50.16
we hear different
words of wisdom and ideas,
00:23:50.19\00:23:53.66
and one thing
that this couple said
00:23:53.70\00:23:56.13
and it was so amazing to me was,
00:23:56.16\00:24:00.54
"Pray for yourself to change."
00:24:00.57\00:24:04.54
Yes, your husband, your
spouse is frustrating you,
00:24:04.57\00:24:08.14
you're getting upset.
00:24:08.18\00:24:09.81
You told them to put
the toilet seat down,
00:24:09.84\00:24:12.41
you keep on keeping it up,
instead of praying for them
00:24:12.45\00:24:17.19
to change or saying,
00:24:17.22\00:24:18.65
"God, why did you give me
this husband or this spouse."
00:24:18.69\00:24:22.16
Pray for yourself to be
what they need to be for God.
00:24:22.19\00:24:29.83
Not for what you
think they should be
00:24:29.86\00:24:31.93
but for God and their
purpose and their life.
00:24:31.97\00:24:35.80
What do you guys
think about that part?
00:24:35.84\00:24:38.31
I think you're right.
00:24:38.34\00:24:41.01
I think you're right, I
think as you are trying to,
00:24:41.04\00:24:45.55
you are maintaining
not just maintaining but,
00:24:45.58\00:24:48.32
you know, as you are maintaining
00:24:48.35\00:24:49.68
your
relationship and making sure
00:24:49.72\00:24:51.69
that there's still
value in the relationship
00:24:51.72\00:24:54.69
over a long
period of time, you do,
00:24:54.72\00:24:57.03
it doesn't even take
a long period of time
00:24:57.06\00:24:58.73
but you start to see
things that are frustrating.
00:24:58.76\00:25:01.50
And you know
when you pray to God,
00:25:01.53\00:25:03.63
it's for that person to
change, that's, most of the time
00:25:03.67\00:25:06.60
where we go
unless it is corrected.
00:25:06.63\00:25:08.87
It is very rare in my opinion
00:25:08.90\00:25:10.61
that a person
starts off praying Lord,
00:25:10.64\00:25:12.87
help me to love this
person just as they are.
00:25:12.91\00:25:17.01
Most of the time it's this thing
00:25:17.05\00:25:18.61
gets on my nerves,
00:25:18.65\00:25:19.98
Lord, please
communicate it to them,
00:25:20.02\00:25:22.02
so that they
can get it together,
00:25:22.05\00:25:23.69
Lord, give them the strength
to do what I need them to do.
00:25:23.72\00:25:26.45
Yeah.
00:25:26.49\00:25:27.82
Most of the time
00:25:27.86\00:25:29.19
those are our
prayers for our spouses
00:25:29.22\00:25:31.03
but what you just
said is definitely,
00:25:31.06\00:25:35.36
it's sacrificial.
00:25:35.40\00:25:38.80
It's acknowledging
that I too implode, Lord,
00:25:38.83\00:25:42.94
that in this relationship
that I am a part of it.
00:25:42.97\00:25:48.44
I'm sure there are things
00:25:48.48\00:25:49.94
that it gets on my
spouse's nerve about me.
00:25:49.98\00:25:53.68
And in order for
this thing to work,
00:25:53.72\00:25:55.42
we have to come together.
00:25:55.45\00:25:57.65
So I agree with that. Yeah.
00:25:57.69\00:25:59.95
Friend of mine says something
and I stole it from him,
00:25:59.99\00:26:03.19
I told him I'm
using it everywhere I go.
00:26:03.22\00:26:05.49
He said marriage
00:26:05.53\00:26:07.60
is the ultimate
battle of humility.
00:26:07.63\00:26:11.40
He said every
single day we're seeing
00:26:11.43\00:26:13.80
who can bow the lowest.
00:26:13.84\00:26:16.60
And I'm not bowing
because I want for you
00:26:16.64\00:26:19.27
to praise me for
bowing lower than you.
00:26:19.31\00:26:22.31
I'm bowing
because I love you, right?
00:26:22.34\00:26:25.51
And it's a process of just
me expressing my love for you
00:26:25.55\00:26:29.12
and so that takes
sometimes me biting my tongue.
00:26:29.15\00:26:32.25
And my wife will tell
you, I get in trouble a lot.
00:26:32.29\00:26:34.66
I'm one of the
kids sometimes. Yeah.
00:26:34.69\00:26:37.06
So it's important to know that
just as much as you want God
00:26:37.09\00:26:42.30
to work on your
spouse, there's things
00:26:42.33\00:26:43.93
that I'm sure each
and every one of us has
00:26:43.97\00:26:47.17
that irks our spouse, right?
00:26:47.20\00:26:48.57
And so we're saying,
00:26:48.60\00:26:49.94
"God, help us be
in a better place
00:26:49.97\00:26:52.94
so this thing can be better."
00:26:52.97\00:26:54.58
And if we both pray that prayer,
00:26:54.61\00:26:56.04
if we're both humble
and say, we both have things
00:26:56.08\00:26:58.11
that need to be fixed, then,
00:26:58.15\00:26:59.71
you know, it would
be a great marriage.
00:26:59.75\00:27:01.68
I believe so.
00:27:01.72\00:27:03.05
And just the last
thing I would probably add
00:27:03.08\00:27:04.95
is we have to
handle the conflicts
00:27:04.99\00:27:07.92
in our relationship versus
00:27:07.96\00:27:09.86
having the
conflicts handle take over us.
00:27:09.89\00:27:12.19
Yes. Yes.
00:27:12.23\00:27:13.56
We have to go to God
because the relationship
00:27:13.60\00:27:16.67
will not be
successful without Him.
00:27:16.70\00:27:19.37
You have to pray with
Him for yourself to change
00:27:19.40\00:27:22.90
'cause being in a
relationship with Him
00:27:22.94\00:27:25.14
is how we bring
about that change.
00:27:25.17\00:27:27.71
As we are about to
close, we want you to keep on
00:27:27.74\00:27:30.85
having the discussion.
00:27:30.88\00:27:32.91
How is your
marriage spontaneous?
00:27:32.95\00:27:34.88
How is it maintaining routines?
00:27:34.92\00:27:36.82
What can you do to
switch things up a bit
00:27:36.85\00:27:40.22
or try to maintain stability
so that your spouse know
00:27:40.26\00:27:43.79
that they can
depend and rely on you.
00:27:43.83\00:27:46.80
The Bible says
in Colossians 4:6,
00:27:46.83\00:27:49.33
"Let your conversation
be always full of grace,
00:27:49.36\00:27:52.10
seasoned with salt,
so that you may know
00:27:52.13\00:27:54.30
how to answer every one."
00:27:54.34\00:27:56.07
Remember to make pure choices.
00:27:56.10\00:27:58.47