The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome to Pure Choices.
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My name is Brittany Hill-Morales
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and I am today's host.
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We have a great topic today.
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We're talking
about built-in intuition,
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sexuality in Christian marriage.
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But before we jump
into the conversation,
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let's pray.
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Dearest most heavenly Father,
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dear Lord, we pray that
You will be with us here
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as we have this discussion
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and that you also be
with the viewers at home.
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We love you so much dear
Lord, in Jesus' name, amen.
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Amen.
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So I have two
wonderful people here with me
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who are going to join
into this discussion with us.
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We have Keith
Hackle, Pastor Keith Hackle.
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He lives over there in Iowa.
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And we also have
Dajanae Anderson,
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who's recently married.
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Congratulations.
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And she is a
graduate student in Texas.
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So built-in intuition,
we all have been there.
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We all are married for
different periods of time.
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Dajanae is the
newly one on the block.
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Been married for
almost four months?
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Yes.
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And Keith has been
married for 12 long years.
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Yes. Yes. Yes.
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And I'm a humble two years,
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almost getting
near to that three.
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And it's exciting
'cause you love your spouses.
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You're glad to be with them.
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But sexuality can
be a little bit tricky.
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Oh, yes. Or is it?
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Because the
statement is made that
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Christian marriages
don't have sexual issues.
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Yes, I wouldn't necessarily
say that that was true.
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I have heard that before though,
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before getting married
even though I'm the newest kid
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on the block in
this marriage reality.
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Before getting married,
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I spoke with a
lot of older people
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that have been
married for 20 plus years
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and even some
who have been married
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a little bit less than that.
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And they all gave me
advice about sexuality.
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One of my Aunt Neal,
I call her my Aunt Neal,
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my aunt in the church.
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She let me know that having
discussions about sexuality
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is something very important.
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So I was told very
early when I first got engaged
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and speaking
about getting engaged
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that sexual issues are
common in Christian marriages.
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I agree.
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I mean, the idea that you're
not going to have any issues,
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it's a relationship,
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you're
interacting with someone else,
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so there's going to be times
where there's difficulties,
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there's going to be
times when there's confusion.
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And so I think
that the issue is not,
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are you going to have issues,
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it's how are you going
to resolve those issues
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by coming together.
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So individuals need to know that
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you're going to
have some issues.
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And so expect it and
now put together a plan
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when they come up.
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That's how you're
going to resolve them.
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I agree, there are issues
in your Christian marriage,
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in marriages generally.
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But there is this belief that
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Christian marriages
won't have any problems.
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Another quote has said
that Christian marriages,
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you
automatically know what to do.
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You automatically
have healthy sexuality
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when you get married.
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And it also...
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Some people I
also heard state that.
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When you are married,
it's good, it's great.
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I think it's also
based on the premise
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of both are entering
the marriage untouched.
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They're both virgins.
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So there's this
belief that two people
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who don't know what they're
doing will automatically know
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what they're
doing and do it well.
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Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.
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That's tough.
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And it creates
another layer to this
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like you said you both
coming and you're untouched,
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you're both virgins.
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And so where do
you get this education
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and hopefully you've had
that conversation with an aunt,
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someone at the church.
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There are certain things that
we don't like to talk about,
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but I think this
is important for us
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to have those conversations
with our young adults
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or young people
before they get to that point
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so that we can kind of
dispel some of these myths
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that make it difficult
when you get into the marriage.
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Right.
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And I think one of the
issues that you just brought up,
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kind of, in your question,
bring saying that people,
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the premises that they are
and that everyone is untouched,
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that there is a reality
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that some people
deal with molestation,
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some people deal with
rape, and things like that.
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Or maybe have just
been exposed to sexuality,
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maybe they weren't touched,
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but they saw things or
they heard about things.
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And so "Wow, being
married," okay now, you know,
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it's acceptable in
the sight of the Lord,
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it's worship, to come
together in your marriage
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and experience
that level of intimacy.
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Sometimes there is still...
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There's baggage
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that individuals
bring into the marriage
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that sometimes are not,
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it's properly
discussed before saying, "I do."
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Yes, I totally agree.
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When my husband and I
were preparing to be married,
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we went through
premarital counseling
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and I don't want to
throw my premarital counselor
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underneath the bus.
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But she had us do a test
that had different questions
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on what we would like
for when we were married.
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And I guess
whatever the answers were,
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it concluded that
we would be compatible,
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and we'd be okay.
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So she said, "You
guys are okay in this area.
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When it's time for
you guys to get married,
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everything will be great."
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That's basically what it
seemed like she was saying,
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"Don't worry about it.
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I guess you'll figure it out.
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That's it."
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And we focused for
the next six months
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on everything else,
no talk on sexuality.
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And that can be hard when
you're about to get married.
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You may have a few ideas
of what should be happening,
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but you're not
completely certain
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in how to make it
a long-term success.
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Right.
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So when should
couples seek help?
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Like how do they
know we're in a bad place?
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I should
probably try to figure out
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how to get us to a better place.
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As it relates to intimacy?
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Mm-hmm.
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It's tough.
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Maybe when a person...
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When you start to
notice, when one person notices,
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they don't like that time,
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they don't like when
it's time to be intimate,
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they don't like
being close to each other,
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they try to avoid
it as much as possible.
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And maybe even
before the difficulty,
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maybe when
things are going well,
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or you're in that
moment and you realize,
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you know what, this
just isn't working for me.
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And so at that point,
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I believe it's time
to talk to your spouse,
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and it's time
to go and seek help
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and get some advice from others
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to see how to
make this thing work.
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Yes, I would
totally agree with that.
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Earlier I
mentioned my Aunt Neal,
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and that was
something that she said to me,
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she gave me an example saying
that there was a young couple,
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where there was a
young lady that she knew
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that had
recently gotten married.
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For my Aunt
Neal, nothing is taboo.
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So she, you know, she pulled
the young lady to the side
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and asked her
about her sex, you know,
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her sex life with her husband
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and the young lady said
that she was uncomfortable,
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she was dissatisfied.
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And Aunt Neal asked her
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if she had conversations during.
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And did she tell her husband
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that what we just finished doing
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wasn't comfortable for me.
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And the young lady said no.
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And so Aunt Neal's advice was
communicate with your husband,
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you can
communicate with him during,
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and you can
communicate with him after,
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I mean, even before.
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And so that I
would definitely agree
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with the statement
that you just made.
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I would agree as well.
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Another factor that is a concern
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'cause I'm not sure how
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it was for Dajanae
growing up in high school,
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and you did biology,
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and you learnt
about the differences
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between men and women.
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Right.
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And you wondered
how would this work.
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And I have a lot
of female friends
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who have
fortunately never had sex.
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They're not married.
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And one of their
concerns is a man is bigger
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in certain respects
and how would that work.
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Is it going to be hurt,
is it going to be painful,
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is it going to hurt.
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That's one of their main
fears of it being painful,
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because based on biology,
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a man is of certain size
and a woman is of certain size.
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And it seems like it would
just be an extreme stretch.
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I remember
having that conversation
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and they're fearful of it.
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And that's one thing that
a woman needs to understand
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because she may
have this mentality,
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"Okay, it's supposed to hurt."
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So during their
sexual relationship,
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it's painful, it hurts.
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It's not comfortable.
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And if it's painful,
please seek medical help
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because there might
be something going on
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that's causing that pain.
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There are different
things that go on in our bodies
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that could cause that pain,
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and I'm not a
medical professional,
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so please have that conversation
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with your doctor.
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I will be
transparent for a minute,
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after I got married,
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and we had our first child,
for the first couple of weeks,
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you know, they say,
you don't have intercourse,
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you should be fine.
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Don't do anything, just relax.
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But it was six months after.
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And I love my
husband, he loves me,
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and I want us to be able
to interact with each other.
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But it wasn't feeling great.
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And I went to my doctor
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and I sat down
there and I was nervous
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because I was like how
am I going to tell my doctor
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that this is not feeling great.
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It's not like...
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I know it's not my husband.
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I don't think he's
doing anything wrong,
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but I don't want to make
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it seem you have
those antsy feelings.
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If you're there and
you're feeling unease,
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it doesn't feel good,
please talk to your doctor,
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because there might
be something going on.
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And when I spoke
to her, she was like,
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"Oh, that makes sense.
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You just need to do
this and this and this.
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And then it will make
you feel a lot better."
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Now it's great.
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Have that
conversation you need to.
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Yes. Yes. Yes.
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Now, I'll agree with that.
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That's very, very important.
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And we have to understand
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that the issues
that we go through,
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we're not going to
be the first person
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to go through it.
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We're not gonna
be the last person
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to go through it.
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Right.
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And so that's why
your doctor had the answer.
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They've seen this thing
many, many times before.
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And I just want to go
back to if we can just hone in
00:11:14.64\00:11:16.91
on the importance of
that conversation before,
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conversation during,
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and even
conversation afterwards.
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That's so
important in a relationship,
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in a marriage to
have that communication
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because I need to know
that this is going well for you
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in all facets of
our relationship.
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And you need to know if there's
something going on with me.
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And then also it's those things
that we keep hidden, right,
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that continue to materialize
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and become worse
and worse and worse.
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Let's say it's not intercourse
or anything like that
00:11:47.37\00:11:50.17
but let's say there
is a pain in your side
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and you wait 10
years to go to the doctor,
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and by the time you go
you find out you have cancer,
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right?
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And so like you said,
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there's other things
that could be going on,
00:11:58.31\00:11:59.65
and we want to make sure
00:11:59.68\00:12:01.02
we're not making
the situation worse.
00:12:01.05\00:12:02.85
And then also adding
to that sex is something
00:12:02.88\00:12:06.49
that God has created
and ordained for us, right?
00:12:06.52\00:12:09.32
So I don't think He would
ever create something for us
00:12:09.36\00:12:12.26
that He wants to hurt us.
00:12:12.29\00:12:13.63
It should be a pleasurable
and beautiful experience.
00:12:13.66\00:12:16.83
I would agree.
00:12:16.87\00:12:18.20
I would
definitely agree with that.
00:12:18.23\00:12:20.04
And just on those same lines
00:12:20.07\00:12:21.84
when it comes to
communicating with your spouse,
00:12:21.87\00:12:25.97
it's one of those things
you'll learn in each other.
00:12:26.01\00:12:29.28
How to even
communicate with your spouse?
00:12:29.31\00:12:31.95
You're learning things
that you never saw before
00:12:31.98\00:12:34.28
when you were just
dating or when you were engaged.
00:12:34.32\00:12:37.59
And so that's just
another aspect of what it means
00:12:37.62\00:12:40.59
to communicate with your spouse.
00:12:40.62\00:12:42.82
Just as you're learning
what kind of foods they like,
00:12:42.86\00:12:44.99
what kind of
foods they don't like,
00:12:45.03\00:12:47.23
that you need to learn
00:12:47.26\00:12:48.60
what things are pleasurable
in the marriage bedroom.
00:12:48.63\00:12:54.50
And, Dajanae, you
had mentioned earlier
00:12:54.54\00:12:56.57
about history of sexual abuse
00:12:56.60\00:12:59.27
or even I had
history of sexual addiction
00:12:59.31\00:13:02.21
and that possibly also
being one of the things
00:13:02.24\00:13:05.08
that they should
maybe seek help for.
00:13:05.11\00:13:06.45
Right.
00:13:06.48\00:13:07.82
Can you expound a
little bit more on that?
00:13:07.85\00:13:09.92
Yes, I can.
00:13:09.95\00:13:12.89
There are, you
know, I've heard stories
00:13:12.92\00:13:15.99
and like I said, I've
spoken with a lot of people.
00:13:16.02\00:13:18.46
And when it comes
to, if I've been molested
00:13:18.49\00:13:24.30
or if I've been raped
then in the middle of...
00:13:24.33\00:13:27.57
Maybe the first
time I'm fine, you know.
00:13:27.60\00:13:29.37
Now I'm married
in the first time
00:13:29.40\00:13:31.97
because I'm on cloud nine,
00:13:32.01\00:13:33.91
the wedding just ended
and we're on our honeymoon
00:13:33.94\00:13:37.08
but then later on down the line,
00:13:37.11\00:13:38.85
let say, my husband
said something to me
00:13:38.88\00:13:42.45
that reminds me of the abuser.
00:13:42.48\00:13:45.02
And so then now
it's time to be intimate.
00:13:45.05\00:13:47.92
I bring that with
me in the bedroom.
00:13:47.96\00:13:50.99
And if my husband
is not aware of it
00:13:51.03\00:13:54.73
and I'm not, maybe I'm not
even all the way aware of it
00:13:54.76\00:13:59.43
then that will
create dissatisfaction.
00:13:59.47\00:14:03.20
And then I will not
be able to acknowledge
00:14:03.24\00:14:06.27
what the issue is and
he definitely won't know
00:14:06.31\00:14:08.98
because I never informed him.
00:14:09.01\00:14:10.41
So I believe
that if you have been,
00:14:10.45\00:14:13.15
if anybody has
been molested or raped
00:14:13.18\00:14:17.19
or have any kind of
negative sexual experiences
00:14:17.22\00:14:20.32
before marriage,
00:14:20.36\00:14:21.69
that counseling is
a wonderful option.
00:14:21.72\00:14:25.99
Counseling is a
wonderful option.
00:14:26.03\00:14:27.50
Talking to spiritual advisers,
00:14:27.53\00:14:30.73
whether it would be a pastor
00:14:30.77\00:14:32.73
or an older person in the church
00:14:32.77\00:14:35.00
whether it be a deaconess
or something along those lines.
00:14:35.04\00:14:39.71
It's necessary and
then informing your spouse
00:14:39.74\00:14:43.51
that this is
something that I experienced
00:14:43.55\00:14:45.91
so that they can be sensitive.
00:14:45.95\00:14:48.12
And sometimes
it may be the male,
00:14:48.15\00:14:49.48
it may not be the woman, so.
00:14:49.52\00:14:52.75
That's how I would.
00:14:52.79\00:14:54.12
So we've been talking a lot
about talking to your spouse.
00:14:54.16\00:14:58.49
I think that is one of the
most profound statements to make
00:14:58.53\00:15:01.56
and the most profound
tip to give to our couples,
00:15:01.60\00:15:04.67
our married couples.
00:15:04.70\00:15:06.03
You need to talk to your spouse.
00:15:06.07\00:15:09.17
A lot of people are
scared to talk to their spouses.
00:15:09.20\00:15:13.98
How do you feel about
that? How about for you?
00:15:14.01\00:15:15.88
Is it easy to
talk to your spouse?
00:15:15.91\00:15:17.55
Is it hard?
00:15:17.58\00:15:18.91
Are you scared, nervous?
00:15:18.95\00:15:20.42
After 12 years,
it's easier to talk.
00:15:20.45\00:15:24.65
But initially though, honestly,
00:15:24.69\00:15:26.89
just coming from
different backgrounds,
00:15:26.92\00:15:30.49
different experiences in
regards to just upbringing,
00:15:30.53\00:15:34.56
coming from households
where maybe it was taboo
00:15:34.60\00:15:37.37
to talk about certain
things, sex and money.
00:15:37.40\00:15:40.04
I can say that we really didn't
talk much about in my house.
00:15:40.07\00:15:44.07
So the idea of having a
bad intimacy life in marriage
00:15:44.11\00:15:48.94
and being financially
unstable would carry over.
00:15:48.98\00:15:53.11
You know, but we did
have not an Aunt Neal
00:15:53.15\00:15:56.72
but we had some
individuals in our lives
00:15:56.75\00:15:59.29
who helped us and
coached us, and it's important.
00:15:59.32\00:16:04.33
It's important to have
that open communication
00:16:04.36\00:16:07.90
because if not, you'll
be 20 years down the line
00:16:07.93\00:16:10.97
with this person and
you won't even know him.
00:16:11.00\00:16:13.40
So having that open
channel of communication
00:16:13.44\00:16:16.47
is vitally important.
00:16:16.50\00:16:17.84
I would agree.
00:16:17.87\00:16:19.47
I was at a women's
conference on Bloom.
00:16:19.51\00:16:21.84
Pastor Lola Moore is over
Bloom and there was a counselor,
00:16:21.88\00:16:26.28
Dr. Chester, I believe
her name was Anne Chester.
00:16:26.31\00:16:30.09
And she was sharing with us
00:16:30.12\00:16:31.72
that she experienced this...
00:16:31.75\00:16:38.36
When she first got married,
00:16:38.39\00:16:40.53
her parents had
not told her about sex.
00:16:40.56\00:16:45.90
And so the night
of her honeymoon,
00:16:45.93\00:16:48.00
she was terrified.
00:16:48.04\00:16:49.67
And it wasn't she didn't have
any sexual issues beforehand,
00:16:49.70\00:16:54.24
she hadn't been molested or
raped or anything like that.
00:16:54.28\00:16:56.85
It was just it was
all the way taboo like
00:16:56.88\00:16:59.25
what you're saying was
present in your household.
00:16:59.28\00:17:02.22
And so she locked
herself in the bathroom
00:17:02.25\00:17:05.65
when it was time to be
intimate with her husband,
00:17:05.69\00:17:08.69
but she has a
wonderful husband in my opinion
00:17:08.72\00:17:11.69
to where he was
very patient with her.
00:17:11.73\00:17:15.16
And, you know, spoke with her.
00:17:15.20\00:17:16.80
And, you know,
catered to her for that night.
00:17:16.83\00:17:20.57
And then they had
some conversations.
00:17:20.60\00:17:22.54
But then Dr.
Chester went to her mother
00:17:22.57\00:17:24.84
and said, "Don't
do this to my sister.
00:17:24.87\00:17:26.61
Have the conversation,
so that she's not afraid
00:17:26.64\00:17:29.21
when it's time."
00:17:29.24\00:17:31.91
And then there's this.
00:17:31.95\00:17:33.28
We've got to be careful
about the stuff we watch,
00:17:33.31\00:17:34.98
the movies we
watch, the shows we watch,
00:17:35.02\00:17:36.79
the books we read,
the shows we listen to
00:17:36.82\00:17:40.26
because we get these,
00:17:40.29\00:17:42.02
fed these messages
that aren't true, right?
00:17:42.06\00:17:44.06
And they create these
expectations and things.
00:17:44.09\00:17:47.63
So you would
think that as a guy,
00:17:47.66\00:17:49.00
as a man coming into this thing,
00:17:49.03\00:17:50.37
I'm supposed to be the man,
00:17:50.40\00:17:51.73
I'm supposed to know what to do.
00:17:51.77\00:17:53.87
But maybe you don't, right?
00:17:53.90\00:17:55.34
And so that's were
taking those baby steps
00:17:55.37\00:17:58.24
and having those
conversations comes into play.
00:17:58.27\00:18:00.41
And you also
have to recognize that
00:18:00.44\00:18:02.44
my marriage is not going to
be the same as your marriage
00:18:02.48\00:18:04.51
and not going to be
same as her marriage.
00:18:04.55\00:18:05.88
So we're coming
together as a union
00:18:05.91\00:18:08.75
and making our thing work.
00:18:08.78\00:18:10.59
And we can't base it upon
00:18:10.62\00:18:12.19
what this individual
has told us that they do
00:18:12.22\00:18:14.46
or what that individual
has told us that they do.
00:18:14.49\00:18:16.76
We need to come
together and say,
00:18:16.79\00:18:18.23
"Okay, what works for you.
00:18:18.26\00:18:19.73
What makes us happy?"
00:18:19.76\00:18:21.93
And if we come in there with
our understanding of things,
00:18:21.96\00:18:25.50
then it takes the
stress and the pressure away.
00:18:25.53\00:18:27.77
It really does. I would agree.
00:18:27.80\00:18:29.30
Expectations
need to be discussed.
00:18:29.34\00:18:34.01
And I think
that's what you just said
00:18:34.04\00:18:36.48
so I just put a word on it.
00:18:36.51\00:18:38.55
But you just
already went into detail
00:18:38.58\00:18:41.12
about coming into a marriage
00:18:41.15\00:18:42.68
having expectations
once again without discussing
00:18:42.72\00:18:45.42
what those expectations are.
00:18:45.45\00:18:47.66
And comparing is
a dangerous thing.
00:18:47.69\00:18:51.43
When it comes to,
"Well, these people do that,
00:18:51.46\00:18:53.06
so why can't we?"
00:18:53.09\00:18:54.96
If it doesn't work for you,
00:18:55.00\00:18:56.56
then there's
something that I believe
00:18:56.60\00:18:58.53
that God has for you.
00:18:58.57\00:19:00.44
And so sometimes it's
just figuring out what that is.
00:19:00.47\00:19:03.00
Yeah.
00:19:03.04\00:19:04.37
And I like the fact that
you said, do you feel compared?
00:19:04.41\00:19:07.24
'Cause that's
one of the questions
00:19:07.28\00:19:08.61
that you need to sit
down with your spouse.
00:19:08.64\00:19:10.88
I wrote down like a list of
like different questions like,
00:19:10.91\00:19:13.58
do you feel pressured
00:19:13.62\00:19:15.55
to do certain
activities over another?
00:19:15.58\00:19:18.95
Do you feel like your
spouse is comparing you
00:19:18.99\00:19:20.86
especially if that spouse
has previous sexual experiences?
00:19:20.89\00:19:25.99
That can challenge your
relationship if you feel
00:19:26.03\00:19:29.60
that you're being compared to
00:19:29.63\00:19:32.53
so-and-so and
so-and-so and so-and-so.
00:19:32.57\00:19:35.60
And based on how many
so-and-sos there were.
00:19:35.64\00:19:37.91
Right. Right.
00:19:37.94\00:19:39.34
Based on how many
so-and-sos there were.
00:19:39.37\00:19:41.31
Because the whole time
you may not actually be there
00:19:41.34\00:19:44.35
with your spouse, you
might be thinking about,
00:19:44.38\00:19:46.65
are they thinking
about the other person,
00:19:46.68\00:19:48.38
am I doing it the
way he or she did it?
00:19:48.42\00:19:51.35
Or even another
question is do you feel unsafe.
00:19:51.39\00:19:55.49
Is your spouse
allowing you to feel at ease?
00:19:55.52\00:19:58.89
Is it over aggressive?
00:19:58.93\00:20:00.56
'Cause there are certain
things that are just too much
00:20:00.60\00:20:03.37
when you're married.
00:20:03.40\00:20:05.23
And also, is one
person being more selfish
00:20:05.27\00:20:08.37
than the other?
00:20:08.40\00:20:09.74
Can you think of
anything else that
00:20:09.77\00:20:11.11
maybe couples need to discuss?
00:20:11.14\00:20:12.47
Not necessarily you need...
00:20:15.44\00:20:17.65
Okay, so this is how
the Lord explained it to me.
00:20:17.68\00:20:20.22
Okay, this is how the
Lord explained it to me.
00:20:20.25\00:20:23.35
And I was
reading my Bible one day,
00:20:23.39\00:20:25.95
I was really
walking around in my dorm
00:20:25.99\00:20:27.46
when I was at
Oakwood, Oakwood University,
00:20:27.49\00:20:30.23
and I was walking
around in my dorm by myself,
00:20:30.26\00:20:32.29
and I'm cleaning and an
audio Bible was playing.
00:20:32.33\00:20:35.56
And it was, we were
in the Book of John,
00:20:35.60\00:20:37.67
no, the Gospel of John,
00:20:37.70\00:20:39.03
and there was this
conversation about,
00:20:39.07\00:20:42.37
you know, Christ is saying that,
00:20:42.40\00:20:43.91
"I want you to be one,
00:20:43.94\00:20:45.27
just as I and
the Father are one."
00:20:45.31\00:20:47.14
And there is this
level of intimacy.
00:20:47.18\00:20:49.21
And so being able to invite
00:20:49.24\00:20:52.28
Christ
00:20:52.31\00:20:54.15
into the marriage bedroom
00:20:54.18\00:20:59.75
and into that level of intimacy,
00:20:59.79\00:21:01.32
there is this understanding
that the Lord gave me,
00:21:01.36\00:21:04.19
in that just as
two married people
00:21:04.23\00:21:07.60
yearn to be with each other.
00:21:07.63\00:21:11.07
The Lord and not
in a perverted way,
00:21:11.10\00:21:13.40
but that the Lord
yearns to be with us.
00:21:13.44\00:21:15.87
And so being able to become one
00:21:15.90\00:21:18.24
just as God and the
Father and the Spirit are one.
00:21:18.27\00:21:21.51
That marriage is
a beautiful thing.
00:21:21.54\00:21:24.51
And sexual intimacy
is a beautiful thing,
00:21:24.55\00:21:26.48
and it's an
expression of the desire
00:21:26.51\00:21:29.45
that Christ has for us.
00:21:29.48\00:21:31.35
It's a way that we can
have a foretaste of the intimacy
00:21:31.39\00:21:35.59
that we will
experience with Christ.
00:21:35.62\00:21:38.39
Definitely we
need to talk to God.
00:21:38.43\00:21:40.53
Yes.
00:21:40.56\00:21:42.13
Being Christian means
00:21:42.16\00:21:43.57
you have a
relationship with God.
00:21:43.60\00:21:45.27
So you need to sit
down and say, "Okay, God,
00:21:45.30\00:21:47.07
this is not working,
either this is a problem,
00:21:47.10\00:21:49.70
that is the problem."
00:21:49.74\00:21:51.07
Whatever the problems may
be, speak it from your heart
00:21:51.11\00:21:53.31
and say, "Okay,
God, what do I do here?
00:21:53.34\00:21:55.74
How do we improve this?"
00:21:55.78\00:21:59.51
People might think,
God is not listening
00:21:59.55\00:22:01.58
and He may not have
an answer, but He will.
00:22:01.62\00:22:04.55
And maybe the couple needs
to try new exciting activities
00:22:04.59\00:22:09.39
outside of the bedroom
00:22:09.42\00:22:10.76
if they're
having problems inside.
00:22:10.79\00:22:13.03
Sometimes we get busy.
00:22:13.06\00:22:14.90
We're busy doing a
lot of different stuff.
00:22:14.93\00:22:17.37
Keith, I think you
know how busy life can be.
00:22:17.40\00:22:22.34
We're dealing with kids,
we're dealing with our jobs,
00:22:22.37\00:22:25.24
we're dealing with work,
00:22:25.27\00:22:26.98
and sometimes
you get so consumed
00:22:27.01\00:22:29.74
with everything
that you're doing,
00:22:29.78\00:22:32.15
you kind of neglect your spouse.
00:22:32.18\00:22:35.02
So when you're
coming to have intimacy,
00:22:35.05\00:22:37.72
there's no connection.
00:22:37.75\00:22:39.09
Right. Right. Yes.
00:22:39.12\00:22:40.46
You're right. Yeah.
00:22:40.49\00:22:41.82
So sexual intimacy is holistic,
that's what you're getting,
00:22:41.86\00:22:43.73
I feel like that, you
know, that's the point
00:22:43.76\00:22:46.59
that you're expressing
is that it can't just be.
00:22:46.63\00:22:49.96
We're not taught, we
haven't been talking all day.
00:22:50.00\00:22:52.67
We haven't gone out
00:22:52.70\00:22:54.47
and done things
outside of the house.
00:22:54.50\00:22:56.97
We have unresolved
issues within our marriage,
00:22:57.01\00:22:59.47
but we're going to
be sexually intimate,
00:22:59.51\00:23:01.81
that's not going to work.
00:23:01.84\00:23:03.55
That's just not going to work
because that coming together
00:23:03.58\00:23:07.82
in that way is a manifestation
00:23:07.85\00:23:09.65
of what's already
going on in your marriage.
00:23:09.68\00:23:12.02
And so if there is
issues in your marriage
00:23:12.05\00:23:13.96
then having sex
with your partner
00:23:13.99\00:23:16.19
is not going to be enjoyable.
00:23:16.22\00:23:19.23
One person...
It's just having sex.
00:23:19.26\00:23:20.60
Yes, it's just
the physical part.
00:23:20.63\00:23:22.76
It's not the spiritual part
00:23:22.80\00:23:24.13
and it's not the emotional part.
00:23:24.17\00:23:25.77
All of those things
need to be addressed,
00:23:25.80\00:23:28.50
not just physical.
00:23:28.54\00:23:30.41
In our premarital
counseling that Ephraim and I,
00:23:30.44\00:23:33.41
my husband, and I went through
00:23:33.44\00:23:36.38
there was the
conversation that animals,
00:23:36.41\00:23:39.68
right, are sexually intimate
00:23:39.71\00:23:42.08
but it's just
physical, it's instinct.
00:23:42.12\00:23:44.25
It's this is
what needs to happen.
00:23:44.29\00:23:46.52
The animal is in
heat, the dog is in heat,
00:23:46.55\00:23:48.69
reproduction happens.
00:23:48.72\00:23:50.23
For the human being
00:23:50.26\00:23:52.13
that has been made
in the image of God.
00:23:52.16\00:23:54.20
It's not just physical,
it's not just instinct.
00:23:54.23\00:23:57.47
It's spiritual when
you're inviting Christ into it.
00:23:57.50\00:24:00.90
And I have an
emotional component
00:24:00.94\00:24:02.80
that is different
00:24:02.84\00:24:04.64
than when animals
are having intercourse.
00:24:04.67\00:24:07.28
And so understanding that
in the marriage relationship
00:24:07.31\00:24:12.05
will make intimacy
that much more beautiful,
00:24:12.08\00:24:14.82
and that much more enjoyable
00:24:14.85\00:24:17.99
when the outside
issues are also addressed.
00:24:18.02\00:24:20.56
If I could just, I
mean, and that's perfect.
00:24:20.59\00:24:24.59
But guys we don't
always understand that
00:24:24.63\00:24:26.63
if I can just speak for the guy.
00:24:26.66\00:24:29.73
And so early on in our
marriage there were times
00:24:29.76\00:24:32.63
where me and my wife
would have a disagreement.
00:24:32.67\00:24:35.07
And, but then
we're also laying down
00:24:35.10\00:24:37.97
in the same bed at night,
00:24:38.01\00:24:39.34
when I have an argument
00:24:39.37\00:24:40.71
and sleeping in different rooms,
00:24:40.74\00:24:42.08
we're sleeping in the same room.
00:24:42.11\00:24:43.45
So to me, you know,
now the argument is over
00:24:43.48\00:24:45.75
but for her it's like,
00:24:45.78\00:24:47.12
"No, do we got issues
that we need to resolve."
00:24:47.15\00:24:49.25
And so this is where the whole
communication thing comes in
00:24:49.28\00:24:51.89
because and I
don't want to make it
00:24:51.92\00:24:55.16
just male versus
female but for guys,
00:24:55.19\00:24:57.59
because I'm a guy, I can
speak from that perspective.
00:24:57.63\00:25:00.63
We kind of
compartmentalize things.
00:25:00.66\00:25:02.86
So the
disagreement was over here.
00:25:02.90\00:25:05.93
Now we're talking about
intimacy right and beyond
00:25:05.97\00:25:08.60
and for women a lot of times,
00:25:08.64\00:25:10.97
it's "No, we haven't
dealt with that thing." Right?
00:25:11.01\00:25:13.51
And so I can't go into
this experience with you
00:25:13.54\00:25:17.81
the way I want to
00:25:17.85\00:25:19.18
because there's still
something dividing us.
00:25:19.21\00:25:21.05
There is
something separating us.
00:25:21.08\00:25:22.78
And that's why
that communication
00:25:22.82\00:25:24.15
is vitally important.
00:25:24.19\00:25:25.92
And for guys we
have to understand
00:25:25.95\00:25:27.89
and be able to listen
00:25:27.92\00:25:29.26
and to receive that
before we go further.
00:25:29.29\00:25:32.33
I completely agree.
00:25:32.36\00:25:33.70
Conversations are
extremely important.
00:25:33.73\00:25:37.73
Communicate,
communicate, communicate.
00:25:37.77\00:25:40.04
Yeah. Talk to your spouse.
00:25:40.07\00:25:42.54
We want you to keep on
having the conversation
00:25:42.57\00:25:45.07
because you don't
want to be dissatisfied.
00:25:45.11\00:25:46.78
You shouldn't be in pain.
00:25:46.81\00:25:48.54
You shouldn't feel uneasy,
feel regretful, pressured.
00:25:48.58\00:25:52.85
All those things are
not what God wants for you
00:25:52.88\00:25:55.75
in your marriage relationship
00:25:55.78\00:25:57.22
especially in
your sexual intimacy.
00:25:57.25\00:25:59.62
So have a conversation.
00:25:59.65\00:26:02.12
Some questions
to think about is,
00:26:02.16\00:26:03.86
are we struggling
with our sexual intimacy?
00:26:03.89\00:26:06.70
Are we having problems?
00:26:06.73\00:26:08.50
Is there something that's
just not working right now?
00:26:08.53\00:26:11.83
Another question
to probably ask is
00:26:11.87\00:26:13.77
what can we do to improve it?
00:26:13.80\00:26:15.54
And also are there other couples
00:26:15.57\00:26:17.47
in our community, in our church
00:26:17.51\00:26:20.08
that are married that
are struggling with this.
00:26:20.11\00:26:22.54
And lastly what is preventing
00:26:22.58\00:26:24.98
or hindering the
sexual satisfaction?
00:26:25.01\00:26:27.05
Is there an issue
of sexual addiction?
00:26:27.08\00:26:29.58
Have history of
maybe sexual abuse?
00:26:29.62\00:26:31.72
Have the conversation
00:26:31.75\00:26:33.09
and see what
could be the issues.
00:26:33.12\00:26:36.52
I would like to read to
you from Song of Solomon 4.
00:26:36.56\00:26:42.13
It states, "You
have captured my heart,
00:26:42.16\00:26:45.47
my treasure, my bride.
00:26:45.50\00:26:47.24
You hold it hostage
with one glance of your eyes
00:26:47.27\00:26:50.21
with a single
jewel of your necklace.
00:26:50.24\00:26:52.64
Your love delights me
my treasure, my bride.
00:26:52.67\00:26:56.61
Your love is better than wine.
00:26:56.64\00:26:59.08
Your perfume more
fragrant than spices.
00:26:59.11\00:27:01.75
Your lips are as
sweet as nectar, my bride.
00:27:01.78\00:27:05.39
Honey and milk
are under your tongue.
00:27:05.42\00:27:07.82
Your clothes are scented
like the cedars of Lebanon.
00:27:07.86\00:27:11.19
You are my private
garden, my treasure, my bride.
00:27:11.23\00:27:14.33
A secluded
spring, a hidden fountain.
00:27:14.36\00:27:17.23
Your thigh shelter a
paradise of pomegranates
00:27:17.27\00:27:20.20
with rare
spices, henna with nard."
00:27:20.24\00:27:23.17
And she replies,
"Awake north wind.
00:27:23.20\00:27:26.68
Rise up south wind.
00:27:26.71\00:27:28.84
Blow on my garden
00:27:28.88\00:27:30.65
and spread its
fragrance all around.
00:27:30.68\00:27:33.25
Come into your garden, my
love, taste its finest fruits."
00:27:33.28\00:27:38.99
The key to your relationship
00:27:39.02\00:27:41.69
is to
communicate, to compromise,
00:27:41.72\00:27:45.09
have the discussion,
00:27:45.13\00:27:46.46
we can't keep on saying
that over and over again.
00:27:46.49\00:27:48.83
I want to thank
you guys for being here
00:27:48.86\00:27:51.00
for having this
discussion with us.
00:27:51.03\00:27:52.67
And please remember
to make pure choices.
00:27:52.70\00:27:55.87
Have a great day.
00:27:55.90\00:27:57.24