The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello and welcome to
another wonderful episode
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of Pure Choices.
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I'm your host Xavier
Morales and next to me
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I have Mr. Timothy Lawson.
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Right here we have my
lovely, wonderful, amazing wife,
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Brittany-Hill
Morales, Mr. Jacques LaGuerre,
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and Timothy's wife of
course we had to separate them,
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Myesha Lawson. Welcome.
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Also lovely and beautiful...
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Yes, yes, yes. I
can't say that, but you can.
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Amen. Thank you.
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But welcome, guys.
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Today's topic is
going to be a good one,
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obviously there are
good but this is one
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that's very
critical to us today,
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it's called Commitment Phobia.
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The title for today is
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
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but before we get into
the nitty-gritty of it,
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let us pray.
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Dear Heavenly Father God,
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we just want to thank You
for bringing us here today.
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Thank you for this topic.
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And, Lord, help us to
answer these questions
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and address the viewers
to the best of Your ability
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in Jesus' name, amen.
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Amen.
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So commitment phobia that
is obviously phobia, fear,
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commitment, we
know what that means.
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But one question is, what is...?
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How is
commitment phobia defined?
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What is
commitment phobia to you?
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Being afraid to take
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the next step in a relationship,
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you're only
willing to go so far,
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but the moment the
opportunity comes to go
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a little bit further,
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all these
rationale start coming up,
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well, maybe not so,
maybe you're not really the one
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or, you know, you comb your hair
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to the left
instead to the right,
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you leave your
toothbrush on the sink,
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like all these crazy
reasoning starts happening
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because you don't want to
take that additional step.
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Myesha?
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I also like to say that,
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you've been
afraid to be vulnerable,
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you know, to open
up, to show yourself,
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who you really are
for that person to get to,
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you know, I basically
say let them in your heart,
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you know, you have this wall up.
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Jacques?
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And I think with
the commitment phobia,
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it can manifest
itself at different parts
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in the relationship.
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One person might be
afraid of taking it past
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just the physical relationship
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and so once they feel
their emotions being engaged,
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they just, they
end the relationship.
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Some people
might feel comfortable
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having a boyfriend
or having a girlfriend,
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but once the relationship
is gone to the next level,
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then they get
afraid or some people,
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they're perpetual daters,
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but they never
really want to get married.
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And so you can be afraid
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of different
levels of commitment.
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And I like that
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because I was
watching a television show
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the other day that people
have been together dating,
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you know, boyfriend on and
off girlfriend for 10 years.
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I would call that
a commitment phobia
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just a little bit,
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just a little bit, for 10 years,
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and, you know, it makes me think
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how does
upbringing, how does your,
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you know, your upbringing affect
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your ability to
commit in a relationship.
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I think it, you
know, everything starts
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from your childhood, the
training that you receive.
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And so if you've had a childhood
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where you seen that
people could be together
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like you're saying for 10 years
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without having to
commit, then you get an idea
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that you don't need
to take that extra step.
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But also if you've seen
a lot of failed marriages,
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if you've seen
your parents go through,
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more of your
aunties or your uncles,
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it makes you feel like,
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"Well, I'm never
going to do that,
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you know, 'cause I don't
want that to happen to me
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and so what's the point?"
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And so what you see is a child
will gear you towards a person
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who saw a good
relationship and it go right,
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and they're saying,
okay, this could work.
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Yes. Yeah, Jacques...
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What Tim's have reminded
me of a friend that I had,
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during my college days,
you know, I was just at the bar
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with a friend with
a couple young ladies,
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and we began to talk,
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and the
conversation of relationships
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and marriage came
up, and she told me
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that she never
want to get married.
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And I thought that was weird
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until I asked
her why and she said
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because I've never
seen one that works.
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And so even in
looking around to your aunts
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and to your uncles,
and to your parents,
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if you've never seen a
successful relationship,
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you think it's impossible,
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and so you don't even
want to take that risk.
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So here's the
question for the...
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Oh, go ahead, Britt.
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I was going to also
add I think terminology
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has also played a role in what,
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and how society
views that extra step
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if you make in marriage
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or if you're going
to even date someone,
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if you're going to
be with the person,
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oh, that's your old lady
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or that's the
old ball and chain,
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it seems like, if
you go a step further
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or you really want to
only be with that one,
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that's when things
are going to get dull,
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it's going to get boring,
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those ideas that if you go
into a long term relationship,
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it is not going to
bring you as much fulfillment
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as always being in new
and random relationships.
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Interesting. I
like that, I like that.
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Now here's my question,
this is for the ladies,
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this is for the ladies,
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how do men express or
show commitment phobia?
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Let's start from what
we see on TV, the usually,
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you know, what do
you think, Myesha,
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you smiling over there?
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Go ahead.
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Well, let's just
say I went through it.
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So the woman.
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You got to behave now...
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Oh, please.
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Well, as my
husband said something,
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you don't mind, do you?
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Well, let's just say I
wanted more and he didn't.
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So he called
himself keeping it real,
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telling me exactly what he wants
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and how he wanted to be.
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And he didn't want a commitment
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and so a man can
either verbally say
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what he wants and
what he don't want,
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or the man can act.
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He can, like I said,
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well, in the
beginning he gives you
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so much attention and then,
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you know, he give
you text messages,
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good morning, good
night, you know, all of that,
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sending you
pictures and all like,
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you know, all like mushy stuff.
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And then once he thinks things
are going a little bit too far
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and this is not
towards my husband by the way.
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Amen. A little bit of it was...
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Disclaimer. In
the beginning he was.
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Disclaimer, disclaimer...
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In the beginning he
was, he told me straight up,
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but anyway so...
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Like I was saying
commitment phobia,
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he started to withdraw himself,
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you know, from the
woman and less texting,
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he doesn't have
that much time for her,
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he's not giving
out all the attention,
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and then it's going to
cause the woman to say,
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you know, "What's wrong?"
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You know, and start to question
if it's her or if it's him.
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I was going to add
to that, it seems like,
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in my experience
when I've heard about men
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who have phobia problems...
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Not me. Not you.
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But it seems like there
wasn't this straight up,
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"Okay, I'm not
interested in you anymore.
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I don't want to go any
further. Let's just end it."
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It'll probably be one
minute you're texting all a lot
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and then next minute
I haven't heard from him
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and it's been like two days...
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Right.
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Or you're walking down
the street and you're like,
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"Wait, he's
wedded somebody new."
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That it is not that straight,
you know, direct speech of,
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"Okay, no, I'm not
interested anymore."
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It's like this shy,
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like they don't want
to get hurt or something
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or maybe they don't
want to hurt you straight up,
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so they just shy away,
you know, slowly but surely.
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I don't know if
maybe they're hoping,
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you'll just forget their number,
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just be so mad
that you say forget you.
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I actually had a girlfriend
that she was talking to a guy
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and he was so sweet,
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all of a sudden he
started acting all crazy.
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And she said, "Why
are you acting like this?
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Why are you getting upset."
She's like, "Okay, we're over.
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Let's break up."
And he was like, "Great.
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That's exactly what I wanted."
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Oh, my...
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He deliberately
pushed her and pushed her,
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got under her skin so
that she would be the one
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to break up with him.
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So it seems like
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she wasn't
going to be that hurt,
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but he was able to be free.
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Wow.
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And I find that interesting
because phobia is a fear,
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a fear that's overpowering you.
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People have different types,
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but, you know, the
phobia is what controls
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how you express yourself,
your emotions and everything,
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and I find it interesting
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that men and
women tend to express
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the same kind of things
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or reactions in
commitment phobia.
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I don't know, you
know, for the fellows,
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I don't know how you
think, you know, how you view,
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how women express their phobia,
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but I know, I've
seen it similarly,
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well, not with my wife, my
wife is wonderful, viewers.
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My wife is just amazing.
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Just want to make
sure that disclaimer.
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But, you know,
that commitment phobia
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is expressed that way too,
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you know, that
pushback, we push away to,
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you know, to kind of withdraw
a little bit with the texting,
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with the calling,
you know, but it's always
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that pushback
kind of getting you,
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you know, pushing you away.
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I don't know what
do the men think about,
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how women express
commitment phobia,
00:09:47.95\00:09:49.95
what do you guys think?
00:09:49.98\00:09:52.39
Well, nowadays for the most part
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from what I've
seen is almost the same.
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You know, the
guys, the way they act
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is almost to say the
same way the women act.
00:10:03.40\00:10:05.53
They could do it like,
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you know, like Myesha said
the girls can say straight up
00:10:06.94\00:10:10.64
this is what they want,
you know, this is how far
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they want to go in X, Y
and Z and stuff like that
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'cause they're
trying to protect themselves
00:10:15.51\00:10:17.71
or they can do it
like Brittney said,
00:10:17.75\00:10:22.88
the girl will just,
you know, not say it,
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but she might have
00:10:26.49\00:10:27.82
other guy friends, and then say,
00:10:27.86\00:10:29.19
"Well, you know,
this is just my friend.
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You know, this
is just my friend.
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I don't see the problem.
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I don't see what's
wrong with it, you know?"
00:10:34.30\00:10:37.17
And I've also
seen in another way,
00:10:37.20\00:10:39.33
you know, a lot of women
who are scared of commitment
00:10:39.37\00:10:41.34
because they're
scared or they're hurt
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or they're scared
of being tied down,
00:10:42.77\00:10:45.57
they might like a guy but play,
00:10:45.61\00:10:50.18
you know, hard to
get in a certain aspect,
00:10:50.21\00:10:52.21
you know, withdraw
themselves like that.
00:10:52.25\00:10:54.38
I like that. What
do you think, Jacques?
00:10:54.42\00:10:56.48
I think that a lot of women who,
00:10:56.52\00:10:58.92
they're afraid of commitment,
00:10:58.95\00:11:00.92
I think that manifests
itself in the types of guys
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that they go for,
00:11:03.86\00:11:06.09
and that's where you
see a lot of the girls
00:11:06.13\00:11:08.60
how like the bad boys,
00:11:08.63\00:11:10.83
because they
know deep down inside
00:11:10.87\00:11:13.13
that this guy is not
going to commit to them.
00:11:13.17\00:11:15.67
He has a reputation and
he might have even played
00:11:15.70\00:11:20.91
as they say that woman's friend,
00:11:20.94\00:11:23.48
and so she knows intimately
that he's not a good guy.
00:11:23.51\00:11:27.28
But she's afraid of
being with someone nice,
00:11:27.32\00:11:30.22
she's afraid of
being with someone
00:11:30.25\00:11:31.72
who's actually love her
00:11:31.75\00:11:33.36
and so her commitment
phobia it manifests itself
00:11:33.39\00:11:36.99
with her being with a guy
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that's not going
to treat her right,
00:11:38.39\00:11:39.73
and then when it ends,
you know, she's crying,
00:11:39.76\00:11:42.03
and she's upset,
but that's just the way
00:11:42.06\00:11:44.40
she knows how
to deal with things
00:11:44.43\00:11:46.47
and how to cope with life.
00:11:46.50\00:11:47.84
And I like that
because, you know, commitment
00:11:47.87\00:11:51.67
is not just
commitment in a relationship,
00:11:51.71\00:11:54.24
you know, it's
also in friendships.
00:11:54.28\00:11:56.24
How do you think
commitment phobia
00:11:56.28\00:11:59.45
affects your
friendships, something that is,
00:11:59.48\00:12:02.48
you know, you have friendships
and you have relationships,
00:12:02.52\00:12:04.55
but how does it
affect your friendships?
00:12:04.59\00:12:07.52
I think it makes
you, you know, selfish
00:12:07.56\00:12:10.83
because you see this
person as your friend,
00:12:10.86\00:12:14.20
but you really try to
withhold all your feelings,
00:12:14.23\00:12:17.37
so in case they betray
you or in case they do some,
00:12:17.40\00:12:20.34
I didn't really know him anyway
or he was just an acquaintance.
00:12:20.37\00:12:23.51
So you don't invest
all of your time and energy
00:12:23.54\00:12:27.18
into really trying to
care for that friendship
00:12:27.21\00:12:29.48
because the stigma out there
00:12:29.51\00:12:30.85
that friends will always
betray you in X, Y, and Z,
00:12:30.88\00:12:34.42
and while that does happen,
00:12:34.45\00:12:36.52
you know, a relationship
can never be genuine
00:12:36.55\00:12:38.65
unless you go 100% at it so.
00:12:38.69\00:12:41.46
I say it makes you feel alone,
00:12:41.49\00:12:43.63
because you're
always scared of the worse,
00:12:43.66\00:12:49.00
and what I've seen among women
00:12:49.03\00:12:51.17
who have commitment phobia,
and they don't trust men,
00:12:51.20\00:12:54.87
they don't believe
a man will be faithful
00:12:54.90\00:12:57.01
that he will go all the way,
00:12:57.04\00:12:58.64
and if he goes all the way
he's going to cheat on you.
00:12:58.67\00:13:00.94
He's going to do
this and that to you.
00:13:00.98\00:13:03.18
So what they do is the
girlfriend meets the guy,
00:13:03.21\00:13:07.85
"Girl, why are you
trying to be with a man,
00:13:07.88\00:13:09.28
you already know how
men are, their X, Y, and Z."
00:13:09.32\00:13:12.42
The girlfriend is
going to step further,
00:13:12.45\00:13:14.02
"I love him, you
know, he's what God told."
00:13:14.06\00:13:16.52
Girl, you know, that's not true,
00:13:16.56\00:13:17.89
he's going to do X, Y and Z."
00:13:17.93\00:13:19.39
And then that
relationship has a strain on it,
00:13:19.43\00:13:22.60
because that friend
is being so negative,
00:13:22.63\00:13:25.80
feeding all this negative energy
00:13:25.83\00:13:28.04
that even that friend
might start wondering.
00:13:28.07\00:13:30.14
I wonder if she's right,
but maybe she's not right,
00:13:30.17\00:13:32.81
maybe I should just
cut up that relationship.
00:13:32.84\00:13:34.18
So you keep on like
ending relationships,
00:13:34.21\00:13:37.08
because most likely if
the girl doesn't trust men,
00:13:37.11\00:13:39.68
she may not have
a lot of men friends
00:13:39.71\00:13:42.18
or she might also
betray too to men.
00:13:42.22\00:13:44.55
"Why are you, you've always been
00:13:44.59\00:13:45.92
with all these different women."
00:13:45.95\00:13:47.29
"No, I'm not."
00:13:47.32\00:13:48.66
Yes, you are, I see
how you talked to her".
00:13:48.69\00:13:50.03
Just causing all that contention
00:13:50.06\00:13:51.63
and, you know, distrust
and you just end up alone
00:13:51.66\00:13:54.70
because you're
not really comfortable
00:13:54.73\00:13:56.30
at trusting anyone.
00:13:56.33\00:13:57.90
True. I like that.
00:13:57.93\00:13:59.73
What do you think, Jacques,
00:13:59.77\00:14:01.10
you will be thinking
about something over there?
00:14:01.14\00:14:03.34
Man, get the
wisdom. Get the wisdom.
00:14:03.37\00:14:06.01
When it comes to
commitment phobia,
00:14:06.04\00:14:09.58
on just a grander scale, it's...
00:14:09.61\00:14:15.15
I believe it's
a serious disorder
00:14:15.18\00:14:17.29
where someone is just
trying to protect themselves,
00:14:17.32\00:14:19.62
it's all about protection.
00:14:19.65\00:14:20.99
You know, because,
00:14:21.02\00:14:22.36
and when it
comes to your friends
00:14:22.39\00:14:23.73
like what Brittany was saying,
if you're afraid of being hurt,
00:14:23.76\00:14:28.93
then you won't
really open yourself up
00:14:28.96\00:14:31.10
to your own friends,
00:14:31.13\00:14:32.47
and so they're
not even really seeing
00:14:32.50\00:14:34.17
the true you,
they're seeing a mask.
00:14:34.20\00:14:36.67
And even if you
guys have a disagreement,
00:14:36.71\00:14:39.11
you might not
even express yourself,
00:14:39.14\00:14:41.04
and have a healthy discussion
about your disagreement
00:14:41.08\00:14:43.75
because you're afraid
of opening yourself up,
00:14:43.78\00:14:45.85
you're afraid of people
knowing who you really are.
00:14:45.88\00:14:48.42
And you're kind of
living a double life
00:14:48.45\00:14:53.59
and it's not
because you have to,
00:14:53.62\00:14:55.06
but it's because you're afraid.
00:14:55.09\00:14:56.83
You're afraid of
what it really means
00:14:56.86\00:14:58.59
to connect with another person,
00:14:58.63\00:14:59.96
because the more you let
someone know who you are,
00:15:00.00\00:15:03.16
the more they can hurt you.
00:15:03.20\00:15:05.80
I want to give like, you
know, personally I never,
00:15:05.83\00:15:09.00
you know, I had
commitment phobia.
00:15:09.04\00:15:10.64
When I was like
younger, I was basically like,
00:15:10.67\00:15:13.17
you know, I'm
not getting married,
00:15:13.21\00:15:15.04
because society
is geared toward me
00:15:15.08\00:15:16.75
getting whatever I want to get.
00:15:16.78\00:15:18.81
As far as a female is concerned
and not having to marry her,
00:15:18.85\00:15:22.92
and go through her
maybe cheating on me
00:15:22.95\00:15:26.72
or maybe hurting me
in some kind of shape,
00:15:26.76\00:15:29.22
form or fashion,
00:15:29.26\00:15:30.59
so I'm not going to get married.
00:15:30.63\00:15:32.03
So my commitment phobia
made me switch my mind state
00:15:32.06\00:15:35.96
into thinking that the life
00:15:36.00\00:15:37.40
I was living was
actually what I wanted, right?
00:15:37.43\00:15:40.07
Because I can't say
that I want a relationship
00:15:40.10\00:15:42.84
because that might hurt me,
00:15:42.87\00:15:44.21
so I'm scared to
commit and so I'll say
00:15:44.24\00:15:46.37
that I want to be single,
I want to be a hook up guy,
00:15:46.41\00:15:50.08
you know, I want
to be the type of guy
00:15:50.11\00:15:52.28
that will talk
to different girls,
00:15:52.31\00:15:54.28
but really it was
no fulfillment in that,
00:15:54.32\00:15:56.99
but I have to tell myself
00:15:57.02\00:15:59.25
this is what I want
so I can protect myself.
00:15:59.29\00:16:04.19
It's like you deceive yourself.
00:16:04.23\00:16:05.66
You're trying to tell yourself,
00:16:05.69\00:16:07.13
"Okay, I don't need this
00:16:07.16\00:16:09.40
because I'm
strong, I'm independent,
00:16:09.43\00:16:13.00
I can be bad all by myself.
00:16:13.03\00:16:15.67
I can handle things.
00:16:15.70\00:16:17.04
I don't need this
person in my life.
00:16:17.07\00:16:19.37
I'm good."
00:16:19.41\00:16:20.78
And it's like, you are
trying to sell it to yourself,
00:16:20.81\00:16:23.11
but your heart
doesn't believe it.
00:16:23.14\00:16:25.71
I like that because
here's a question for you,
00:16:25.75\00:16:29.65
in reference to this,
00:16:29.68\00:16:31.39
the commitment to an individual
00:16:31.42\00:16:32.85
whether it be a
in a relationship
00:16:32.89\00:16:34.62
or friendship can
affect you so much
00:16:34.66\00:16:37.13
where you just, you
are socially awkward.
00:16:37.16\00:16:41.10
You know what I mean.
00:16:41.13\00:16:42.46
So in this phobia,
00:16:42.50\00:16:45.20
because the Bible
talks a lot about commitment,
00:16:45.23\00:16:47.94
about committing
yourself to Lord,
00:16:47.97\00:16:49.30
about committing
everything you do to Him.
00:16:49.34\00:16:51.84
How does your ability to commit
to a human affect your ability
00:16:51.87\00:16:56.64
to commit to God who created us.
00:16:56.68\00:16:59.51
How do you think
that plays a role?
00:16:59.55\00:17:01.65
How does
commitment phobia play a role
00:17:01.68\00:17:03.18
in your commitment to God?
00:17:03.22\00:17:05.89
Are you able to commit?
00:17:05.92\00:17:07.26
Are you able to
really do anything?
00:17:07.29\00:17:10.03
Or are you too
stuck in your own fears?
00:17:10.06\00:17:11.96
What do you guys say?
00:17:11.99\00:17:13.33
It's almost like that
scripture, you know...
00:17:13.36\00:17:14.70
I was just thinking that...
00:17:14.73\00:17:16.06
"How can you love the Lord,
who you can't see if you can't,
00:17:16.10\00:17:18.07
you know, have
love for your brother
00:17:18.10\00:17:19.87
who you can see?"
00:17:19.90\00:17:21.30
And so, if you have a disconnect
00:17:21.34\00:17:23.47
with human relationships,
00:17:23.51\00:17:25.74
then you'll
treat the relationship
00:17:25.77\00:17:27.18
with God that same way.
00:17:27.21\00:17:29.21
Oh, I know you love me, I
know you said all of this,
00:17:29.24\00:17:31.25
but, you know,
00:17:31.28\00:17:33.01
do you really
care about me or you,
00:17:33.05\00:17:35.58
is this something in it for you,
00:17:35.62\00:17:37.12
why you're doing this?
00:17:37.15\00:17:38.49
And you'll start to bring
00:17:38.52\00:17:39.85
that relationship
down to a base level.
00:17:39.89\00:17:43.39
And basically
what will happen is,
00:17:43.43\00:17:45.69
it will really be hard for
you, you might have faith in God
00:17:45.73\00:17:48.56
and believe that He
exists, but it will be harder,
00:17:48.60\00:17:51.60
almost impossible for you
to really trust in the Lord
00:17:51.63\00:17:55.00
at that point.
00:17:55.04\00:17:56.50
Yes, Jacques.
00:17:56.54\00:17:57.87
Our relationship with
Christ is a huge commitment.
00:17:57.91\00:18:00.71
Every one of the disciples,
00:18:00.74\00:18:02.08
when they were called
they had to leave everything
00:18:02.11\00:18:04.58
and follow Christ.
00:18:04.61\00:18:06.18
Even if they
decide to turn back,
00:18:06.21\00:18:07.98
they still made a huge decision,
00:18:08.02\00:18:10.99
they took a huge...
00:18:11.02\00:18:12.69
Well, some people call it
risk, but when you serve God
00:18:12.72\00:18:14.92
you're really
never taking a risk
00:18:14.96\00:18:16.49
'cause He's 100% all the time.
00:18:16.52\00:18:19.19
But when we're afraid of
that commitment to Christ,
00:18:19.23\00:18:22.73
it will
inevitably lead into sin.
00:18:22.76\00:18:25.40
And since we're
talking about relationships,
00:18:25.43\00:18:27.17
you know, and we're
talking predominately
00:18:27.20\00:18:28.54
to young people, when
you look at the culture,
00:18:28.57\00:18:32.44
many people
fall into pornography
00:18:32.47\00:18:34.18
because they're
afraid to commit.
00:18:34.21\00:18:36.54
You don't have to commit
to this woman on a screen.
00:18:36.58\00:18:39.98
There's no fear
associated with your interaction
00:18:40.02\00:18:43.08
and people that
are highly introverted
00:18:43.12\00:18:44.72
like myself tend to
fall into that even more,
00:18:44.75\00:18:47.76
because they're socially awkward
00:18:47.79\00:18:49.36
like you are saying,
00:18:49.39\00:18:50.73
and they don't
know how to interact,
00:18:50.76\00:18:52.19
they don't want to open up,
they don't want to get hurt,
00:18:52.23\00:18:54.73
and they go to a
computer to find someone
00:18:54.76\00:18:56.87
that will never hurt them.
00:18:56.90\00:18:58.60
Interesting.
00:18:58.63\00:19:00.20
Well, you know, it's
just interesting to think
00:19:00.24\00:19:02.80
about this
concept of being having
00:19:02.84\00:19:05.94
a phobia towards commitment,
00:19:05.97\00:19:07.81
especially if
you're a Christian,
00:19:07.84\00:19:09.18
how can you have
a commitment phobia
00:19:09.21\00:19:10.65
if you are a Christian?
00:19:10.68\00:19:12.15
You know, you're
committing yourself
00:19:12.18\00:19:13.52
unto the Lord.
00:19:13.55\00:19:14.88
And I know one of
the questions for you,
00:19:14.92\00:19:16.28
you know, maybe
our viewer is asking,
00:19:16.32\00:19:18.45
"I don't have a
commitment phobia,
00:19:18.49\00:19:20.16
I'm just being
cautious on who I choose
00:19:20.19\00:19:22.79
or who God has for me."
00:19:22.82\00:19:24.59
You know, but my
question for you,
00:19:24.63\00:19:27.46
the viewer audience there
and also for my panel here,
00:19:27.50\00:19:32.03
is there a distinction
between commitment phobia
00:19:32.07\00:19:35.44
and being cautious?
00:19:35.47\00:19:37.41
And if there is a distinction,
00:19:37.44\00:19:38.87
what is it, can you
explain a little bit?
00:19:38.91\00:19:42.34
I probably say
that the distinction is
00:19:42.38\00:19:45.68
if God is telling
you to move forward,
00:19:45.71\00:19:48.15
and you're giving him 21 reasons
00:19:48.18\00:19:51.39
why you should not.
00:19:51.42\00:19:54.16
I think that's the
biggest distinction.
00:19:54.19\00:19:56.56
God is clearly saying,
00:19:56.59\00:19:58.23
this person is the one
for you and you're saying,
00:19:58.26\00:20:02.10
"God, no, this person
cannot be the one for me
00:20:02.13\00:20:05.63
because they don't pray the way
I think they should be praying,
00:20:05.67\00:20:10.04
they don't do to ministry,
I think they should be doing.
00:20:10.07\00:20:13.74
They don't carry
themselves the way I think
00:20:13.78\00:20:15.71
they should to
carry themselves."
00:20:15.74\00:20:17.71
And the list starts
getting longer and longer
00:20:17.75\00:20:20.15
that you start
thinking, "You know, what?
00:20:20.18\00:20:23.18
God, I'm crazy.
00:20:23.22\00:20:24.65
It wasn't you who
was talking to me.
00:20:24.69\00:20:26.82
You weren't the one telling
me to go be with this person.
00:20:26.86\00:20:29.29
It was the devil.
00:20:29.32\00:20:30.66
It was something else
going on inside of me."
00:20:30.69\00:20:32.59
And you start
rationalizing and rationalizing.
00:20:32.63\00:20:35.80
And if you're in that place,
00:20:35.83\00:20:38.20
you really need to
sit down and be like,
00:20:38.23\00:20:39.77
"Okay, whoa, what is it
that's really causing me to be
00:20:39.80\00:20:44.84
so afraid of commitments?"
00:20:44.87\00:20:48.21
And also if you're considering
not marrying a person, okay,
00:20:48.24\00:20:52.85
I'm going to be
with this person,
00:20:52.88\00:20:54.75
but I'm going
to break God's law,
00:20:54.78\00:20:56.25
I'm not going to marry them.
00:20:56.28\00:20:57.79
I probably live with
them. I'll have kids with them.
00:20:57.82\00:21:01.16
I'll spend the rest
of my life with them
00:21:01.19\00:21:03.53
because that's
what God wants, right?
00:21:03.56\00:21:04.89
For us to spend
the rest of my life
00:21:04.93\00:21:06.26
with a person who really love.
00:21:06.29\00:21:07.63
Yeah.
00:21:07.66\00:21:09.00
We don't need to make that,
you know, commitment-commitment
00:21:09.03\00:21:10.37
because that's
just a legal document.
00:21:10.40\00:21:11.80
You start doing
00:21:11.83\00:21:13.17
all these different
types of rationalization,
00:21:13.20\00:21:16.10
that's the difference.
00:21:16.14\00:21:18.04
If you're so cautious
that you can't even see God,
00:21:18.07\00:21:21.81
what He has in store for you,
that's like a huge red flag.
00:21:21.84\00:21:27.08
What do you think, Jacques?
00:21:27.12\00:21:29.68
Well, there's a difference
between being cautious
00:21:29.72\00:21:31.82
and suffering
from commitment phobia.
00:21:31.85\00:21:34.72
I'd say when you're cautious,
00:21:34.76\00:21:39.43
you're comparing this
person or you're comparing
00:21:39.46\00:21:44.07
the relationship
against something objective.
00:21:44.10\00:21:46.94
So if this person does not meet
00:21:46.97\00:21:49.40
some sort of
spiritual requirements,
00:21:49.44\00:21:51.27
if they don't belong
to the same church as you,
00:21:51.31\00:21:52.81
if they don't
have the same faith,
00:21:52.84\00:21:54.18
if they don't have
the same commitment,
00:21:54.21\00:21:55.58
then that is a valid
reason to not move forward,
00:21:55.61\00:22:00.28
but I'd say
that you're suffering
00:22:00.32\00:22:02.52
from commitment
phobia when you can stay
00:22:02.55\00:22:04.75
in the same
place in a relationship
00:22:04.79\00:22:07.12
for a prolonged period of time.
00:22:07.16\00:22:09.09
So if you come to a realization
that you're dating someone
00:22:09.12\00:22:12.33
and you don't
want to move forward,
00:22:12.36\00:22:14.26
if you don't
end the relationship
00:22:14.30\00:22:16.03
and you stay in the same place
00:22:16.06\00:22:17.40
for the next two years,
three years, four years,
00:22:17.43\00:22:20.34
you might suffer
from commitment phobia
00:22:20.37\00:22:22.27
because you're not
willing to go forward,
00:22:22.30\00:22:24.67
and you're not willing to
end the relationship either,
00:22:24.71\00:22:26.68
you're just kind of stuck.
00:22:26.71\00:22:29.61
I think a real big
difference with knowing
00:22:29.64\00:22:32.75
when God is saying stop
00:22:32.78\00:22:34.12
and having commitment phobia is,
00:22:34.15\00:22:36.42
you know, I love the Bible
00:22:36.45\00:22:37.79
'cause there's
a verse says this,
00:22:37.82\00:22:39.15
"Commit thy ways unto the Lord
00:22:39.19\00:22:40.52
and so shall thy
thoughts be established."
00:22:40.56\00:22:42.72
And so the big
difference is trust,
00:22:42.76\00:22:45.29
if you are actually actively
every day committing your life
00:22:45.33\00:22:48.13
to the Lord, asking Him
about your relationships,
00:22:48.16\00:22:51.17
He's going to tell you
00:22:51.20\00:22:52.87
when to stop,
when to go forward.
00:22:52.90\00:22:54.50
Yes, this person
is right for you.
00:22:54.54\00:22:56.20
No, they're not,
00:22:56.24\00:22:57.57
you know, or maybe this
person is right for you,
00:22:57.61\00:22:59.41
just not right
now, you should wait.
00:22:59.44\00:23:01.21
And when it comes
to commitment phobia,
00:23:01.24\00:23:03.71
I think you'll take
the Bible and find anything
00:23:03.75\00:23:06.55
you can
rationalize your own situation
00:23:06.58\00:23:09.42
to kind of do what you want.
00:23:09.45\00:23:10.79
You know, you
want to go this far,
00:23:10.82\00:23:12.72
but maybe you want to come back,
00:23:12.75\00:23:14.32
maybe there's stuff that
you want from this person,
00:23:14.36\00:23:16.32
but you don't
want to go all the way,
00:23:16.36\00:23:17.96
and so you will put
your mind above what God says
00:23:17.99\00:23:22.50
and those are the
two real big differences.
00:23:22.53\00:23:25.33
One is you're
listening to what God says
00:23:25.37\00:23:26.97
and following His
example, the other one,
00:23:27.00\00:23:29.67
you're kind of listening to
what you think should happen
00:23:29.70\00:23:32.17
or what whoever else is
telling you should happen.
00:23:32.21\00:23:35.61
And I like that,
because, you know,
00:23:35.64\00:23:37.08
that kind of leads us
into our last question
00:23:37.11\00:23:39.75
which is how do you
overcome commitment phobia,
00:23:39.78\00:23:43.18
you know, especially
00:23:43.22\00:23:44.55
if you're already
in a relationship?
00:23:44.59\00:23:47.42
You know, if you're
in a dating relationship,
00:23:47.46\00:23:49.16
how do you overcome to,
00:23:49.19\00:23:50.53
how do you proceed
on to the next phase,
00:23:50.56\00:23:52.89
how do you heal from that?
00:23:52.93\00:23:54.73
Perfect love
casteth out all fear.
00:23:54.76\00:23:58.27
And I'm going to
just almost piggyback
00:23:58.30\00:24:00.14
to what I said earlier,
00:24:00.17\00:24:01.50
if you are trusting in the Lord
00:24:01.54\00:24:03.77
with all your
heart, mind, and soul,
00:24:03.81\00:24:08.11
you don't have to be
afraid of any situation
00:24:08.14\00:24:10.81
He puts you in.
00:24:10.85\00:24:12.21
And if it's commitment,
whatever road He takes you now,
00:24:12.25\00:24:15.48
you can be rest
assured and trusting in Him
00:24:15.52\00:24:18.85
that He's leading
you in the right path.
00:24:18.89\00:24:20.96
Jacques?
00:24:20.99\00:24:22.32
I was going to say something
along those lines, committing,
00:24:22.36\00:24:26.36
it can be a very
nerve-racking process.
00:24:26.39\00:24:30.00
And so it's only when
you can commit to Christ,
00:24:30.03\00:24:33.37
and you can get His love,
00:24:33.40\00:24:34.77
and when you can get His wisdom,
00:24:34.80\00:24:36.40
and you can get
His spirit within you,
00:24:36.44\00:24:39.07
that when you're
committing to other people
00:24:39.11\00:24:40.88
you'll have that
discernment to know
00:24:40.91\00:24:42.68
whether or not you
should move forward.
00:24:42.71\00:24:44.51
And even when you know
that it's God who's telling you
00:24:44.55\00:24:46.38
to go forward,
00:24:46.41\00:24:47.75
you still might be
a little bit nervous,
00:24:47.78\00:24:50.02
but you have the assurance
that if you trust in God
00:24:50.05\00:24:52.35
and lean not on
your understanding,
00:24:52.39\00:24:54.72
He is the one who
is directing your path.
00:24:54.76\00:24:58.59
I like that and, you
know, to our viewers out there,
00:24:58.63\00:25:02.30
understanding the
fact that phobia is a fear,
00:25:02.33\00:25:06.17
it does
overwhelm your every being,
00:25:06.20\00:25:08.60
it does overwhelm every sense
in your body, in your mind,
00:25:08.64\00:25:12.71
and being committed,
00:25:12.74\00:25:14.08
you know, to
something that's permanent
00:25:14.11\00:25:15.51
like a marriage can be scary.
00:25:15.54\00:25:17.95
There's nothing wrong
with you for being scared.
00:25:17.98\00:25:20.72
But the Lord promises to
heal you from those fears,
00:25:20.75\00:25:23.39
to help you along the way.
00:25:23.42\00:25:26.45
I don't know what
you've been through,
00:25:26.49\00:25:27.82
only God knows what
you've been through.
00:25:27.86\00:25:29.22
Again, just because
you're afraid doesn't mean
00:25:29.26\00:25:31.13
you're a bad person,
00:25:31.16\00:25:32.49
doesn't mean
there's no going back,
00:25:32.53\00:25:34.33
it just means you
need a little extra help.
00:25:34.36\00:25:37.10
You know, if you
need prayer, reach out.
00:25:37.13\00:25:38.67
If you need
counseling, reach out.
00:25:38.70\00:25:41.20
Just don't forget
that God is always with you
00:25:41.24\00:25:44.47
and He's never too weak
00:25:44.51\00:25:47.18
to help you heal
from these phobias.
00:25:47.21\00:25:49.71
So commit your
ways unto the Lord
00:25:49.74\00:25:52.25
and set your eyes upon Him,
00:25:52.28\00:25:53.92
and always remember
to make pure choices.
00:25:53.95\00:25:57.59