The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello, and
welcome to Pure Choices.
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I'm your host
Pastor Joshua Nelson.
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So glad you decide to join us.
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Once again, we
have a good one for you
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this time, we're gonna talking
about 52 Shades on Grey, okay.
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This is gonna be a follow-up
on the one we did before.
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And so we're gonna
talk little more about
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what is
permissible in the bedroom,
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of course, in the
marriage situation.
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So let's pause for a
moment to have a word of prayer.
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Heavenly Father,
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God, we ask Your
spirit would guide us
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through this discussion.
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In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.
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Let's introduce the panel.
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To my left is the snazzy dressed
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Pastor KP Douglas.
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Nice, blazer on today, sir.
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Thank you, sir. All right.
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His wife dressed well
also, Kimberly Douglas.
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Good to have you all.
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And next to them we have
another great dressed couple,
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the Morales',
Xavier and Brittany Hill.
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So I am so glad that you
all are here with us today.
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We have to
continue this discussion,
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this is a good, hot topic,
lot of people want to know.
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You know, what is okay to do
in the bedroom, I am married?
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What should be
okay, what shouldn't be?
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What kind of
conversation did you have
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and things like that?
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So we're gonna
discuss these things.
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But the first thing
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I wanna do is ask a
little controversial question.
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You know, lot of times
we faces in our marriages
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were we are in the mood
to engage in the, you know,
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to have sex, we ready to go
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but our spouse is not, you know.
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And this is the
reality we have to face,
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you know, in marriage.
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And so what you do,
though, what are some thing
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that we can say that
you do in that situation?
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Should you be
expect to engage in sex,
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even though
you're not in the mood?
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Is that you're requirement?
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And I ask this
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in light of what is
said in 1 Corinthians 7:5.
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It says, "Defraud
ye not one the other,
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except it be with
consent for a time,
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that ye may give yourselves
to fasting and prayer,
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and come together again,
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that Satan tempt you
not for your incontinency."
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So this is what the Paul says,
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and he says not to
defraud the other person.
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So what do you all say to that?
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I agree if it's in
the Bible, what can I...
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and I can't say I disagree.
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But what does it
mean by that, I guess?
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Is that really saying if you're
in the mood, you have to do it?
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Well, the text before,
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the very first,
the verse right before,
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it says that you know,
women, your body is not yours,
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your husband's,
and likewise, husband,
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your body is
your wife's, you know.
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your wife's.
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And so I guess there
is that degree of selfness
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that should be
expected in the marriage.
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You know when we talk about sex,
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we often talk
about it in terms of me,
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what I like
when I'm in the mood.
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But I guess, Paul is saying,
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you know take the other
person into consideration,
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you know, knowing that you know,
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your body is not really yours.
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And so may be
there are some times,
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you know, where, you know,
even though you're not in mood,
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you may have to make
yourself into mood, you know,
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or take the ale as we would say.
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Or, and may be other times,
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you know, when you
may have to just say,
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listen, I'm not in the mood.
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Okay.
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I think too if we
taken into read a little more
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that in the Bible,
it also shows that,
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you know, the
situation was to give,
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you know, if
you're gonna do that,
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it's for fasting and
prayer, and for short time.
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And I think, I find it beautiful
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that God took into consideration
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through Paul that, you
know, there are certain needs
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that we have and when
you refrain from one another,
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because you're not in the
mood or whatever it may be that,
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you know, do it for
too long period of time,
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that was temptation.
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You know, you can give
a foothold to the devil.
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All right, that so true.
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Yeah.
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All right, someone
wants to add to that?
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Well, I think too, and
Paul saying with holding,
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you know, I don't
think he's talking about
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like punishing, you know.
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We're talking
about being in the mood,
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but I mean, I think
that what he's saying is
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you know, don't
hold sex over your,
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you know, you're partner,
don't use it as a weapon
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in the marriage relationship.
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So I think that, you know,
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even in terms of
should we with hold
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if we're not in mood,
I think this, you know,
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to some disagrees we
ought to really think about it.
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And if I am ready, you know,
ahead, which you were saying,
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what he said before that about,
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you know, how you are
rendering to your wife,
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you know, do benevolent
to what not and vise versa.
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You know, just
because your in mood
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and you say, "Well,
I'm in mood so you have to,
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you have to do what
is right to please me."
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This can also may, you say,
"Well, because you're tired,
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because you don't feel
like it, I will not engage.
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I would just, you know,
sacrifice that this time
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and next will be, you know,
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we made for lives,
we'll do it, you know."
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So that may, you know,
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be something have to take
into consideration as well.
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But what if
this becomes a habit?
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What if it seems as though,
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the wife and husband is
just not willing to do it
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and it's just you
know, once a week or...
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I mean, is that, I
mean, seriously wondering,
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is it once a week, is that often
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or is that not often, you know?
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I guess it's
speech person preference,
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but what would you all say
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if someone just continually say,
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I'm not in the
mood, I'm not in the mood,
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I'm not in the mood?
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It's probably a deeper issue.
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Okay.
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And you know, it's
just coming forward
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as though sex is the problem.
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But that is
probably a deeper issue
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that you
probably need to sit down
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and speak with your spouse,
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and you know, just
find out what's going on.
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Okay.
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I would agree, I think
it has to be a deeper issue.
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If a couple is
having sex once a week,
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I wanna say, okay, red
flag, there's a problem.
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Maybe you guys are busy,
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maybe there's
children in the mix,
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so schedule in that time,
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leaves you to only have been
able to have sex once a week.
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But if it's going into
you guys are only having sex
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once every six month
and you don't really know
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it's once every six
months, you just know
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it's been six
months since you had sex.
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Then may be that's the time
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when you need to be having
a conversation figuring out,
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what I my doing wrong
that's causing this disconnect?
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Because again, sex is
more than just a technique
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or what you do, it
includes that intimacy,
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it includes that connection
between the husband and wife.
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And if months are
going by then I would say,
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you should have
notice from two months
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but if six months goes
by and still not happening.
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Yeah.
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And I think that people have a,
have to discuss this obviously,
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nothing that make you to discuss
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because, you know,
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somebody watching saying,
oh, wow, you know, newly weds,
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they should be doing
everyday or something, you know.
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But I know that, you know,
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everyone has there
own way of doing things
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and need to be discuss,
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you know, how many
times it's gonna be?
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You know, do I need to?
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You know,
everyone has a different,
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you know, drives and what not.
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So it needs to be talked about.
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But ultimately, you got
to take in consideration
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what the other person wants,
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and that have to
take in consideration
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what you want as
well, as to go both ways.
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So let's go on a little more
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and talk about
this intimacy thing
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you're bring up
and what does sex do
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for the intimacy in a marriage?
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How important is
that for the intimacy?
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Sex is a result of intimacy.
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It is not, what is intimacy.
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If you're not, if
don't have that intimacy
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where you're able
to talk to each other
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and really connect
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then sex will just be
two people doing stuff.
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It wont really be
what God designed it to be.
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So I say, sex is
result of intimacy.
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I agree.
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I think one thing I learned
from my wife is that, you know,
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the whole intimacy aspect is
you are worshiping, you know.
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You have sex, you're
worshiping, you know.
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It's a moment of worship.
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And intimacy go so much beyond
the act of sex alone, you know,
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you have to better environment
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because even, even women
and men are built differently.
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From men, you
know, we quick, you know,
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that's like we're
there, we're ready.
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For a women, you
know, it takes time.
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And you know, out
of, you learn to grow,
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you grow with each other
during that intimate time,
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not just in the
act of sex along.
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You know, during that intimacy,
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you're actually
growing together too.
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So it's a two,
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there's multiple
steps to that process.
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And I like what
you said, you know.
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I know for me,
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I had to
relearned a lot of things,
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because before, you know,
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I had sex not in
marriage but out of marriage,
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and in marriage is
different, you know, because...
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And that's something I want
us to talk about little more
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about the selfness of it.
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Because you know,
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you're
ultimately now leading to...
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you're doing it for the,
you're connecting with someone,
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but if you're not thinking
that way you could be doing it
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because you just want to get off
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and you want to just, you know,
pleasure yourself, you know.
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And that is a
danger in marriage.
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So let's talk
about that little bit,
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the selfishness of sex.
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I think before marriage,
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you know, the urge to have sex
was just that it was an urge,
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it was you know, my
natural compulsion are,
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you know, but after marriage
it became more intentional,
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it was about,
like we said, intimacy.
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It was about knowing
that person on another level,
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you know, because as
much as you know each other
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before you have sex,
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and as much as you think
you know each other well,
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you're on a
completely different,
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you know, set of
things about your partner,
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your spouse after
you have sex, you know.
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There's a certain
level of hiding awareness
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of just everything
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once you enter into
that kind of intimacy.
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So you know, there's also
that getting-to-know-you part.
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Okay. Okay.
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someone wants to
add to this? Yeah.
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I think, you know, to,
it's interesting, you know,
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you hear older married
couples talk about, you know,
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I know her so
well, I know him so well,
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I don't even have to
do anything, you know,
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we finish each
other sentences or...
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They basically know each other
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in a way that they
don't even have to speak
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or anything like that.
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And I think that goes
along with that, you know,
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when you're
having, when you have sex,
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you know,
marriage and everything,
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and you're
really bonding together.
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You literally,
you're coming to this point
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where that, you know,
we hear about one flesh.
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You're coming to the point
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where you actually
know the other person
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without even
speaking, you know, in terms,
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because it literally binds
you with that tight together
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that you're, you
know, you knowing each other
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without even speaking words,
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you can finish each
other's sentences and thoughts.
00:10:26.89\00:10:28.86
And you said something
earlier about sex been,
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I think you
said, 'act to worship.'
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Want to expand
little more on that,
00:10:32.66\00:10:34.00
what do you mean
when you said that?
00:10:34.03\00:10:35.56
You know, it's
something that God created.
00:10:35.60\00:10:38.27
When you go to the
church, you go to worship,
00:10:38.30\00:10:39.63
you don't go there to
just "get off", you know,
00:10:39.67\00:10:42.50
your spiritual high, you
know, to fulfill some need,
00:10:42.54\00:10:46.57
a spiritual need, you know.
00:10:46.61\00:10:47.94
You actually go there do
worship to commune with God.
00:10:47.98\00:10:50.81
When you're worshiping,
when you're, you know,
00:10:50.85\00:10:53.08
having sex with your wife
00:10:53.11\00:10:54.62
or you know, your
spouse, you know, or...
00:10:54.65\00:10:57.45
when you're having
sex with your spouse,
00:10:57.49\00:10:58.82
you know, you're
worshiping the angles
00:10:58.85\00:11:00.39
watch you know,
everything like, you know.
00:11:00.42\00:11:03.59
I don't want to sound
weird when I say that--
00:11:03.63\00:11:07.06
It's really an act
of worship, you know,
00:11:07.10\00:11:09.13
you're doing something
that God made you to do
00:11:09.16\00:11:13.23
in the right context.
00:11:13.27\00:11:14.80
Yeah, that what Sister
White talks about, you know.
00:11:14.84\00:11:16.54
And I remember, my wife,
she kind of has a problem,
00:11:16.57\00:11:18.91
not a problem, but
kind of feels weird about
00:11:18.94\00:11:20.78
thinking that way
they God is watching.
00:11:20.81\00:11:22.41
Well, you know, I
don't think it's a problem,
00:11:22.44\00:11:23.78
I think when you understand,
00:11:23.81\00:11:25.15
you know, the beauty
of sex and what it really,
00:11:25.18\00:11:26.92
it's really brining
the two back together.
00:11:26.95\00:11:29.68
You know, Adam and Eve,
you know, they're separated
00:11:29.72\00:11:31.65
and now they come back together,
00:11:31.69\00:11:33.02
and it's really uniting back
to what God originally made,
00:11:33.05\00:11:34.82
you know.
00:11:34.86\00:11:36.19
And it's also you know,
really showing the trinity seen
00:11:36.22\00:11:42.30
between you, your
wife, and God, you know,
00:11:42.33\00:11:45.00
how that come together,
it was a beautiful thing.
00:11:45.03\00:11:47.94
And it's something
that I think in a marriage
00:11:47.97\00:11:49.74
in it's purest form, you know.
00:11:49.77\00:11:52.57
And I know
because of the society,
00:11:52.61\00:11:54.44
because of the things we
see all around of us about sex,
00:11:54.48\00:11:56.98
it can kind of seems as though,
this is dirty, this is not,
00:11:57.01\00:11:59.28
I am not suppose to
be doing this, you know.
00:11:59.31\00:12:00.82
Not suppose to be,
you know, praising God
00:12:00.85\00:12:03.79
or the case may be,
or this is not worship.
00:12:03.82\00:12:05.79
But it is,
00:12:05.82\00:12:07.66
you know, because we
have to bring yourselves
00:12:07.69\00:12:10.26
back to Eden where God,
00:12:10.29\00:12:11.63
how He originally
you want it to be.
00:12:11.66\00:12:12.99
And that's the words you uses,
00:12:13.03\00:12:14.36
to know the
other person, you know.
00:12:14.40\00:12:16.13
It's truly to
get, really to know
00:12:16.16\00:12:18.83
and have that intimacy
with that other individual.
00:12:18.87\00:12:22.30
So, and I know I think
00:12:22.34\00:12:23.67
you're all going to
say something to it.
00:12:23.71\00:12:25.04
But I was going
to ask right here,
00:12:25.07\00:12:26.41
you talking about
worship, is it okay to like,
00:12:26.44\00:12:28.74
should you like come together
and pray before you have sex?
00:12:28.78\00:12:32.81
I don't see the problem.
00:12:32.85\00:12:34.82
I sometimes pray in mid stuff.
00:12:34.85\00:12:38.19
You know, give
me strength, Lord.
00:12:38.22\00:12:39.69
Yes!
00:12:39.72\00:12:41.09
You know, Paul says
in just a few chapters
00:12:41.12\00:12:43.19
earlier than we read
earlier, I belief Chapter 3,
00:12:43.22\00:12:45.99
"Everything you do, you
should do to glory of God."
00:12:46.03\00:12:48.60
You know, and again
in Colossians he said,
00:12:48.63\00:12:50.00
"Both indeed and in word
we should be glorifying God."
00:12:50.03\00:12:53.34
And so it sounds, it
sounds, so cliche to us to say,
00:12:53.37\00:12:55.87
well, everything
single thing I do,
00:12:55.90\00:12:57.24
but I do belief that even
in the act of sex expression,
00:12:57.27\00:13:00.91
because God creates it.
00:13:00.94\00:13:02.28
And not only
creates it for our enjoyment
00:13:02.51\00:13:04.05
but creating it
as a pane of picture
00:13:04.08\00:13:06.05
of the union that, you know,
00:13:06.08\00:13:07.62
that He has in the
trinity in the union
00:13:07.65\00:13:09.35
that he seeks out with us.
00:13:09.38\00:13:10.95
But I do think it's important
to keep that mindset, you know.
00:13:10.99\00:13:13.96
Yeah, yeah. I mean,
it's beautiful thing.
00:13:13.99\00:13:15.66
You now that God is wanting us
00:13:15.69\00:13:17.36
and allowing us to have pleasure
00:13:17.39\00:13:19.59
in this way with someone
00:13:19.63\00:13:20.96
that we are so
closely connect to.
00:13:21.00\00:13:22.43
You know, it's a
really beautiful thing.
00:13:22.46\00:13:25.03
Perhaps, someone
wants to say something here.
00:13:25.07\00:13:27.07
Well, I was just
thinking that, you know,
00:13:27.10\00:13:28.60
it's so important
for us to remember
00:13:28.64\00:13:31.31
that it is
something that's beautiful,
00:13:31.34\00:13:34.01
it is something that's positive
00:13:34.04\00:13:35.58
because, you know,
you look in society
00:13:35.61\00:13:38.31
and just about every image
that you see is a negative one,
00:13:38.35\00:13:43.18
that's painted of sex.
00:13:43.22\00:13:44.55
It's perverted in
some way, shape or form.
00:13:44.59\00:13:47.82
And so, sometime we have that,
00:13:47.86\00:13:50.63
we walk away with
that wrong impression
00:13:50.66\00:13:56.20
of what sex is
or what it can be.
00:13:56.23\00:13:59.57
And so that's why, you know,
when you say something like,
00:13:59.60\00:14:03.04
praying before you have
sex or during or whatever,
00:14:03.07\00:14:07.28
it just seem so weird
00:14:07.31\00:14:09.04
because that's
not was portrayed.
00:14:09.08\00:14:12.15
But when we look at
it within the context
00:14:12.18\00:14:14.65
of the God had
within the context
00:14:14.68\00:14:17.75
of the fullness
of what God intended,
00:14:17.79\00:14:20.52
I think it just,
you know, it make sense,
00:14:20.56\00:14:22.49
and it puts it back in
it's proper prospective.
00:14:22.52\00:14:24.99
Could you imagine, on a move
really coming to a sex scene
00:14:25.03\00:14:27.96
and the couple stop and
like, "Okay, lets pray."
00:14:28.00\00:14:30.53
Yeah, yeah.
00:14:30.57\00:14:31.90
You know, it's just
weird to think, yeah.
00:14:31.93\00:14:33.94
But that be possible, you know.
00:14:33.97\00:14:36.20
I mean, you know, and you know,
00:14:36.24\00:14:38.11
that's how far
our minds have gone,
00:14:38.14\00:14:39.84
that it was done to take us away
00:14:39.87\00:14:41.54
from what sexual
relation should be.
00:14:41.58\00:14:44.11
So, okay, now let's go
some other nuts and bolts.
00:14:44.15\00:14:46.35
Now, you're in, you
know, you are married
00:14:46.38\00:14:47.72
and things are
going good pretty well,
00:14:47.75\00:14:49.55
but you know, it
seems to be routine,
00:14:49.58\00:14:51.85
things are
normal, and it's just,
00:14:51.89\00:14:53.99
sex did not have the
same spark as it had before.
00:14:54.02\00:14:56.59
How should you bring up
00:14:56.62\00:14:57.96
the idea of
changing it up a bit?
00:14:57.99\00:14:59.93
You know, this
is just switches up,
00:14:59.96\00:15:01.36
you know, not to
be rude or you know,
00:15:01.40\00:15:03.13
it just change things up.
00:15:03.16\00:15:04.50
Sometimes, I mean, why
do you have to bring it up?
00:15:04.53\00:15:07.00
There's sometimes
you just you know,
00:15:07.04\00:15:08.60
do something a little different.
00:15:08.64\00:15:11.17
And that might even you know,
00:15:11.21\00:15:13.71
change the tide not only for you
00:15:13.74\00:15:15.74
but for your spouse also.
00:15:15.78\00:15:18.25
And doing something a
little different can be...
00:15:18.28\00:15:21.12
I mean, it
depends on the couple.
00:15:21.15\00:15:23.25
May be having sex
in a different place
00:15:23.28\00:15:25.62
or I don't know...
00:15:25.65\00:15:28.82
different room...
00:15:28.86\00:15:31.43
and different position,
and different scenario.
00:15:31.46\00:15:33.63
Yeah.
00:15:33.66\00:15:35.00
I mean, its all
dependence on the couple.
00:15:35.03\00:15:37.63
But I think, you know,
it's not necessarily something
00:15:37.67\00:15:40.64
that you need to discuss.
00:15:40.67\00:15:42.00
I am not saying
don't talk about it at all,
00:15:42.04\00:15:44.11
but sometimes
taking the initiative
00:15:44.14\00:15:46.37
and changing
things up and seeing
00:15:46.41\00:15:48.64
how that changes the dynamic,
00:15:48.68\00:15:51.05
you know, that just
might be what's necessary.
00:15:51.08\00:15:54.18
Because for some couple,
00:15:54.22\00:15:55.55
I'm just thing
about few of my friends,
00:15:55.58\00:15:57.49
they would need to
have the discussion.
00:15:57.52\00:15:58.85
Okay.
00:15:58.89\00:16:00.22
Because some
people do feel like,
00:16:00.26\00:16:02.52
if we change things up
may be I'm not doing it right,
00:16:02.56\00:16:06.16
may be its not going well.
00:16:06.19\00:16:08.20
And sometimes if you know,
00:16:08.23\00:16:10.67
that spouse that
wants to change things up,
00:16:10.70\00:16:12.97
you have to be
patient with other person.
00:16:13.00\00:16:15.40
Slowly start talking about it.
00:16:15.44\00:16:16.94
Okay, may be we can try
this, may be we can do this,
00:16:16.97\00:16:19.17
and try to you know,
list good quality reasons
00:16:19.21\00:16:21.71
for why this
needs to be change up.
00:16:21.74\00:16:23.68
And it's not
because you're bad person,
00:16:23.71\00:16:25.65
not because you
are awful at this.
00:16:25.68\00:16:27.45
But I think that we can probably
00:16:27.48\00:16:28.82
increase our connection,
like enhance those reasons
00:16:28.85\00:16:32.09
so it doesn't fell
like it's an insult to,
00:16:32.12\00:16:34.59
I guess, my
technique or whatever.
00:16:34.62\00:16:36.56
But it's really about our
relationship, our marriage,
00:16:36.59\00:16:39.73
and really getting
closer to each other
00:16:39.76\00:16:42.16
and still being happy.
00:16:42.20\00:16:43.53
Okay. All right.
00:16:43.57\00:16:44.90
So what do you
all think about say,
00:16:44.93\00:16:46.27
going to like a sex therapist,
00:16:46.30\00:16:47.64
you know, to give
advice or whatever the case?
00:16:47.67\00:16:50.64
To see if you're doing it right.
00:16:50.67\00:16:54.04
Okay, I'm just curious now,
00:16:54.08\00:16:55.64
because you said, to see
if you're doing it right.
00:16:55.68\00:16:57.51
But is that person using
as the barometer, I guess,
00:16:57.55\00:17:01.42
to determine what is
right and what is wrong.
00:17:01.45\00:17:04.49
I'm not saying don't
go but what is their...
00:17:04.52\00:17:09.76
May be there is
something that's lacking,
00:17:11.53\00:17:12.86
may be they feel
like they are lacking,
00:17:12.89\00:17:14.23
not getting the
most pleasure they share
00:17:14.26\00:17:15.60
or something, you know.
00:17:15.63\00:17:16.97
I'm just saying, I
don't know the scenario,
00:17:17.00\00:17:18.33
but is there any
place for you to go
00:17:18.37\00:17:19.90
or should they always just
stay within just a two of you.
00:17:19.93\00:17:23.54
I think you can
check out a therapist.
00:17:23.57\00:17:26.37
I don't think
you could you know,
00:17:26.41\00:17:27.74
go to first
therapist you check out.
00:17:27.78\00:17:29.74
Because even for me,
when I think sex therapist,
00:17:29.78\00:17:31.78
I'm immediately thinking
all kind of negative stuff,
00:17:31.81\00:17:33.85
you know.
00:17:33.88\00:17:35.22
And so, you know even
too kind of shop around
00:17:35.25\00:17:37.39
and I mean, you never know.
00:17:37.42\00:17:38.75
Or may be you know,
00:17:38.79\00:17:40.12
talk to your Christian councilor
00:17:40.16\00:17:41.49
or somebody, your
marriage therapists to see
00:17:41.52\00:17:43.19
may be they have some insight
00:17:43.22\00:17:44.76
or maybe they can
make a reference, you know.
00:17:44.79\00:17:47.83
So, I mean. Okay.
00:17:47.86\00:17:49.20
I guess for me, my
first question, when I hear,
00:17:49.23\00:17:51.97
doing it right,
is what do you mean?
00:17:52.00\00:17:54.70
Are you asking if
we both have organisms
00:17:54.74\00:17:59.17
or you asking if we...
00:17:59.21\00:18:01.54
Well, and that's
probably really where it goes.
00:18:01.58\00:18:04.41
And someone not
having, you know,
00:18:04.45\00:18:05.78
there's lots of people have said
00:18:05.81\00:18:07.15
"I never had an organism".
00:18:07.18\00:18:08.52
You know, "I
never experienced it."
00:18:08.55\00:18:09.88
So, you know, in
that standpoint, you know,
00:18:09.92\00:18:11.72
that really be a
question, "Am I doing it right?"
00:18:11.75\00:18:13.25
You know, and these
are real thing, right?
00:18:13.29\00:18:14.79
I mean, so, if that's the
case, especially to virgins,
00:18:14.82\00:18:19.16
and let's say that you
know, and they, you know...
00:18:19.19\00:18:20.93
I'm just asking, I'm wondering,
00:18:20.96\00:18:22.30
what do you all think
about a therapist involving in?
00:18:22.33\00:18:24.90
I think that
has more to do with,
00:18:24.93\00:18:27.94
the word 'sex therapist'
again, I think the same thing,
00:18:27.97\00:18:31.07
just kind of the crazy thoughts.
00:18:31.11\00:18:33.21
That is a male
thing that being crazy.
00:18:33.24\00:18:35.61
It doesn't seem quite kosher
00:18:35.64\00:18:38.41
Maybe there is a better
name for it, I don't know.
00:18:38.45\00:18:41.32
But I mean in reality, though,
there might underlined issues
00:18:41.35\00:18:45.52
that are not
necessarily have to do with sex.
00:18:45.55\00:18:47.99
I could be hurts, I
could be anything, you know,
00:18:48.02\00:18:49.82
I could be, you know,
we talked about earlier,
00:18:49.86\00:18:51.23
changing it up, you know,
00:18:51.26\00:18:52.59
to somebody like
me who has had a past.
00:18:52.63\00:18:55.40
Changing it up, have
some negative connotations
00:18:55.43\00:18:58.23
in my head like,
you know, this and this.
00:18:58.27\00:19:00.20
You know it's a matter
of really dealing with...
00:19:00.24\00:19:03.64
and that's why
you have intimacy,
00:19:03.67\00:19:05.34
that's why you're
dealing with those issues,
00:19:05.37\00:19:07.11
really coming
to an understanding
00:19:07.14\00:19:08.54
of where each other stands.
00:19:08.58\00:19:10.55
Because, you know, if
you need to see counseling,
00:19:10.58\00:19:12.95
you seek the counseling.
00:19:12.98\00:19:14.45
Like I said, sex,
when it comes to you knows,
00:19:14.48\00:19:16.75
you're doing it right,
and again, the barometer.
00:19:16.79\00:19:18.99
What you have it up against,
00:19:19.02\00:19:20.36
and you have to
really deal with the,
00:19:20.39\00:19:22.16
you have to
really look, and focus,
00:19:22.19\00:19:23.69
and work hard at
finding the underlined issues
00:19:23.73\00:19:25.83
that are there.
00:19:25.86\00:19:27.20
Yeah, and that's
something that you have to do,
00:19:27.23\00:19:28.56
and I know that you know,
00:19:28.60\00:19:29.93
a lot therapist
will say to you that,
00:19:29.96\00:19:31.77
you have to
learn that individual,
00:19:31.80\00:19:33.64
you have to, you know,
try different things out.
00:19:33.67\00:19:35.50
I mean, there are people
who may not react the same way
00:19:35.54\00:19:38.74
that someone else did
that you use to, you know.
00:19:38.77\00:19:41.11
And so, you know, and
a lot of time for men,
00:19:41.14\00:19:43.55
you know, we want to cut
right to the chase, you know.
00:19:43.58\00:19:45.61
But for women,
some time it's different
00:19:45.65\00:19:47.05
to really you know, romance them
00:19:47.08\00:19:50.35
and to take it slow and
really show affection to them,
00:19:50.39\00:19:53.46
build up to this point,
make them feel comfortable.
00:19:53.49\00:19:55.66
A lot of times, you
know, those things are things
00:19:55.69\00:19:57.19
you have to pay attention
to when you're in marriage.
00:19:57.23\00:20:00.56
And that goes back
to selflessness of it,
00:20:00.60\00:20:02.56
that it's not just
about your gratification
00:20:02.60\00:20:04.67
and making sure the
other one is gratified as well.
00:20:04.70\00:20:06.70
But now, let's go
00:20:06.74\00:20:08.07
to what everyone is waiting
for us to talk about, okay.
00:20:08.10\00:20:10.04
Which is, what really is
okay to do in the marriage bed?
00:20:10.07\00:20:13.71
We always quote the text,
that marriage bed is undefiled.
00:20:13.74\00:20:16.11
But what is really okay to do,
00:20:16.14\00:20:18.91
or what do you think
God would say is okay
00:20:18.95\00:20:20.38
for us to do in
the marriage bed.
00:20:20.42\00:20:22.98
It's a touchy
subject. Yeah, it's touchy.
00:20:23.02\00:20:26.45
I may ask specific things, okay,
00:20:26.49\00:20:28.09
to make it easy for you guys.
00:20:28.12\00:20:29.46
Okay All right.
00:20:29.49\00:20:30.83
Is that okay to let's
say, create a sex tape?
00:20:30.86\00:20:33.96
Start there. Mercy.
00:20:34.00\00:20:35.56
Well...
00:20:35.60\00:20:36.93
No.
00:20:36.97\00:20:38.30
I'm just gonna say no,
00:20:38.33\00:20:39.67
because there is no
such thing as privacy
00:20:39.70\00:20:41.94
when you create a sex tape.
00:20:41.97\00:20:43.97
You won't such a risk of it
getting into the wrong hands
00:20:44.01\00:20:48.88
and things just
going wrong and no, no.
00:20:48.91\00:20:55.12
I guess it those
expected question
00:20:55.15\00:20:56.48
of why are you
creating the sex tape?
00:20:56.52\00:20:59.65
For some people they might feel,
00:20:59.69\00:21:01.79
let's create this
tapes so we can, I guess,
00:21:01.82\00:21:04.49
see each other
know we're doing right,
00:21:04.53\00:21:06.29
or let's create this
tapes so that we can, I guess,
00:21:06.33\00:21:08.96
make some spice
in our relationship.
00:21:09.00\00:21:12.63
It's just not worthy
00:21:12.67\00:21:14.17
I think it just need
go back to the reason
00:21:14.20\00:21:15.84
to why you guys are together.
00:21:15.87\00:21:18.37
I mean is it
okay, or is it wise,
00:21:18.41\00:21:20.48
those are two
different questions,
00:21:20.51\00:21:22.78
I don't think we can
dictate to other couples.
00:21:22.81\00:21:28.18
Sure.
00:21:28.22\00:21:29.55
Like, I can't
tell these guys here,
00:21:29.58\00:21:32.35
you know, you guys shouldn't
do this in your bedroom.
00:21:32.39\00:21:35.92
That's not for me to do.
00:21:35.96\00:21:38.19
And that's interesting we
have to have this conversation,
00:21:38.23\00:21:39.59
because this is
obviously lot of questions
00:21:39.63\00:21:40.96
people want to know.
00:21:41.00\00:21:42.33
Oh, definitely. They
want to know what is okay.
00:21:42.36\00:21:43.80
Defiantly.
00:21:43.83\00:21:45.17
And I think it's
because we have this,
00:21:45.20\00:21:47.80
let me see as how
close I can go to "the edge"
00:21:47.84\00:21:52.77
before I, you know,
falloff the precipice.
00:21:52.81\00:21:56.34
But if that's your
mind set in this situation,
00:21:56.38\00:21:59.81
I would have to say
00:21:59.85\00:22:01.18
you are entering
with the wrong mindset.
00:22:01.22\00:22:03.35
I mean, and it's again to me,
00:22:03.39\00:22:05.32
that sounds like it
goes back to self, you know,
00:22:05.35\00:22:08.32
trying to make
sure that I'm okay
00:22:08.36\00:22:11.16
as I pose to paying
attention to my spouse,
00:22:11.19\00:22:14.30
seeing what he is responding to,
00:22:14.33\00:22:16.40
seeing if he is pleased,
00:22:16.43\00:22:18.20
you know, in the
situation or not.
00:22:18.23\00:22:20.20
And that's what, you know,
Spirit of Prophecy tells us in
00:22:20.24\00:22:22.10
you know, Mind, Character,
Personality, you know.
00:22:22.14\00:22:23.74
She says that, you
have to be careful you know,
00:22:23.77\00:22:25.94
as man or women that you don't
bring your base or passions
00:22:25.97\00:22:28.54
into the marriage bed.
00:22:28.58\00:22:29.91
And getting the
stuff you just want to do
00:22:29.94\00:22:31.28
based off of you know,
00:22:31.31\00:22:32.65
the evilness or lust
that's purely inside of you
00:22:32.68\00:22:36.62
that's gonna cause you know,
00:22:36.65\00:22:37.99
something to be done
that's not pleasing to God,
00:22:38.02\00:22:39.62
you know.
00:22:39.65\00:22:40.99
And like you saying,
00:22:41.02\00:22:42.36
I don't know if we
can really put a...
00:22:42.39\00:22:43.99
don't do this, don't do that.
00:22:44.03\00:22:45.36
Now there are some
things in term of health wise...
00:22:45.39\00:22:46.90
Yeah, that's nice.
00:22:46.93\00:22:49.23
Yes, there are some things.
00:22:49.26\00:22:52.60
I think you can even go
back to the fact that, you know,
00:22:52.63\00:22:55.44
sexually looked at
as a active worship,
00:22:55.47\00:22:58.07
you know, when I
think of one of the things
00:22:58.11\00:22:59.97
that at lot of
couple use like, Kama sutra.
00:23:00.01\00:23:02.81
Kama sutra seems
cool because of pictures,
00:23:02.84\00:23:05.01
and positions,
you can try new stuff.
00:23:05.05\00:23:07.12
When you really, you
know, go and do your research
00:23:07.15\00:23:09.48
you find out that
stuff is worshiped too.
00:23:09.52\00:23:10.95
Yeah.
00:23:10.99\00:23:12.32
You know, and so, you know,
00:23:12.35\00:23:14.02
who are you worshiping
and what's you're doing.
00:23:14.06\00:23:16.06
You know, what's
your motivation, you know.
00:23:16.09\00:23:18.13
Really you got to think about,
00:23:18.16\00:23:19.49
what I like what you
said earlier, you know,
00:23:19.53\00:23:21.33
God is in the
chamber with you, you know.
00:23:21.36\00:23:23.57
And we don't know if God
is there with Adam and Eve.
00:23:23.60\00:23:25.30
But He did gave
Adam to Eve, you know,
00:23:25.33\00:23:27.80
and they consummate
their marriage, we assume.
00:23:27.84\00:23:29.84
And so, you know, what is okay
00:23:29.87\00:23:31.81
if God were to
stand next to my bed,
00:23:31.84\00:23:34.04
or not what is
okay with other people,
00:23:34.08\00:23:35.74
but if I don't feel comfortable,
00:23:35.78\00:23:37.78
which something
knowing that you know,
00:23:37.81\00:23:39.28
God may not be okay with
it, then I'm probably not gonna,
00:23:39.31\00:23:40.95
probably not gonna...
00:23:40.98\00:23:42.32
And it's is not, God
is there, don't have fun.
00:23:42.35\00:23:44.19
Yeah.
00:23:44.22\00:23:45.55
I don't think
that's what you're saying.
00:23:45.59\00:23:48.26
So let's make that clear.
00:23:48.29\00:23:51.19
What I am
saying, don't have fun.
00:23:51.23\00:23:53.03
Definitely enjoy each other,
00:23:53.06\00:23:55.60
but also realize
as you said, you know,
00:23:55.63\00:23:57.50
there is some health things
00:23:57.53\00:23:58.87
that you want to
keep in mind also.
00:23:58.90\00:24:00.30
All right.
00:24:00.34\00:24:01.67
So let's get some
tips to the married couples
00:24:01.70\00:24:03.44
in terms of how to
spice up your marriage.
00:24:03.47\00:24:05.14
You know, theses are things
00:24:05.17\00:24:06.51
basically we have
either experienced
00:24:06.54\00:24:08.31
or we know, we've heard
before, you know, same ways
00:24:08.34\00:24:10.85
that you could
really spice it up.
00:24:10.88\00:24:12.21
And this is also those
who are may be older and have,
00:24:12.25\00:24:16.28
you know, the stuff
is fizzled out, you know.
00:24:16.32\00:24:18.29
So what are some
ways to spice it up?
00:24:18.32\00:24:19.65
What would we say?
00:24:19.69\00:24:21.02
Well, do not turn
to porn to spice it up.
00:24:21.06\00:24:23.39
I know, I've
heard many testimonies,
00:24:23.43\00:24:25.46
like, specially
prominent gospel artist
00:24:25.49\00:24:27.63
and people were
given that testimony
00:24:27.66\00:24:29.53
of not to turn to pornography.
00:24:29.56\00:24:31.90
I think spicing up could be
00:24:31.93\00:24:33.27
as simple as communicating
with each other, you know.
00:24:33.30\00:24:36.07
What do you liking, what
do you thinking, you know,
00:24:36.10\00:24:38.44
and trying to get on same page.
00:24:38.47\00:24:40.14
It just be that simple.
00:24:40.18\00:24:41.51
Okay. Go ahead.
00:24:41.54\00:24:42.88
I was just gonna say,
00:24:42.91\00:24:44.25
there's also some
really good books out there,
00:24:44.28\00:24:48.42
couple's devotionals.
00:24:48.45\00:24:50.89
And I know that sounds weird,
you talking about spicing it up
00:24:50.92\00:24:54.39
and then I say
devotional, but...
00:24:54.42\00:24:57.79
What devotional is that?
00:24:57.83\00:25:01.53
The idea is that
you want to reconnect,
00:25:01.56\00:25:04.40
its not all about sex,
00:25:04.43\00:25:06.20
as Britney had said
several times, and you know,
00:25:06.23\00:25:08.67
it's necessary to
highlight, its intimacy.
00:25:08.70\00:25:11.71
And so if you're
building intimacy
00:25:11.74\00:25:13.94
and if you are
enjoying each other
00:25:13.98\00:25:17.45
then great sex is going
to be the byproduct of that.
00:25:17.48\00:25:21.82
So you want to
take steps to reconnect,
00:25:21.85\00:25:24.35
and not just
reconnect physically
00:25:24.39\00:25:26.82
but reconnect
spiritually as well.
00:25:26.86\00:25:28.82
And so that's why I was
saying great devotional.
00:25:28.86\00:25:30.76
But outside of that,
there are also some books
00:25:30.79\00:25:32.66
that you guy, you know,
00:25:32.69\00:25:34.03
married couples
can read together,
00:25:34.06\00:25:35.43
because I know
when we were doing
00:25:35.46\00:25:37.07
a premarital counseling
00:25:37.10\00:25:38.43
that's one of the
steps I know other people
00:25:38.47\00:25:40.20
who have done that as well.
00:25:40.24\00:25:42.10
One of the things is to
read a book about relationships
00:25:42.14\00:25:45.97
and sex and marriage together,
00:25:46.01\00:25:47.74
and that can also, you
know, that can also help.
00:25:47.78\00:25:50.78
And again, find out
the underlined issues.
00:25:50.81\00:25:53.72
Why did it fizzled out,
why did it stop, you know,
00:25:53.75\00:25:56.38
find out, you know,
may be something simple,
00:25:56.42\00:25:59.15
you know, where you
guys just got too busy.
00:25:59.19\00:26:01.29
Find out what the
real deep issues is
00:26:01.32\00:26:04.16
that caused
everything to just fizzled out.
00:26:04.19\00:26:08.06
Okay.
00:26:08.10\00:26:09.43
I want to like,
what Kimberly was saying.
00:26:09.46\00:26:12.17
Before we got
marry, like the day before,
00:26:12.20\00:26:14.34
like two days before,
sitting down with my family
00:26:14.37\00:26:18.21
and they were giving me
quality advice and said,
00:26:18.24\00:26:21.14
"Britney, I know
it's gonna sound weird,
00:26:21.18\00:26:23.95
but invite the Holy
Spirit into your bed room."
00:26:23.98\00:26:25.75
Yep.
00:26:25.78\00:26:27.12
It was like, invite him in,
00:26:27.15\00:26:28.68
and they were saying
there were times when,
00:26:28.72\00:26:30.39
I wasn't even in the mood,
00:26:30.42\00:26:32.05
but we prayed and invited
the Holy Spit into our bedroom.
00:26:32.09\00:26:34.52
And it just enhanced
our like the relationship.
00:26:34.56\00:26:39.59
And it don't have to be
long wended Holy Spirit,
00:26:39.63\00:26:44.23
I can just be like, 'God,
00:26:44.27\00:26:45.90
we invite You into this presence
00:26:45.93\00:26:47.27
at this moment at this
time, ' and then proceed.
00:26:47.30\00:26:49.80
And it can really work
and enhance and change it up,
00:26:49.84\00:26:52.64
that's what the...
00:26:52.67\00:26:54.01
You know it's funny
you should say that,
00:26:54.04\00:26:56.01
and he has no idea
what I'm about say.
00:26:56.04\00:26:59.01
Fix it Jesus.
00:26:59.05\00:27:00.38
But I've actually done
that before, and it is true.
00:27:00.42\00:27:05.55
You know a quick payer,
he has no clue, you know,
00:27:05.59\00:27:08.46
I pray and it could be
something as simple as,
00:27:08.49\00:27:12.23
'Lord, seriously
increase my desire
00:27:12.26\00:27:14.86
for my husband right now.'
00:27:14.90\00:27:16.67
And because we're
married that is perfectly okay
00:27:16.70\00:27:19.00
for me to say.
00:27:19.03\00:27:20.37
She's not saying
that desire wasn't there.
00:27:20.40\00:27:21.74
No, I'm not saying that
let's clear that off, enhance.
00:27:21.77\00:27:27.38
And it's funny how, you know,
00:27:27.41\00:27:31.05
within moments it will
be something that he'll do
00:27:31.08\00:27:35.35
or something that he'll
say that will you know...
00:27:35.38\00:27:39.85
Okay. And that's great.
00:27:39.89\00:27:41.22
And I see a place we're
gonna have to end it there.
00:27:41.26\00:27:43.36
You know, I know
we all freshly married
00:27:43.39\00:27:46.03
so we're just so,
the spice is there,
00:27:46.06\00:27:48.33
but there are some
good advise you can take
00:27:48.36\00:27:50.20
and thing you can use
to spice up your marriage.
00:27:50.23\00:27:52.57
By the end of the day
00:27:52.60\00:27:53.94
always remember
to make pure choices,
00:27:53.97\00:27:55.44
and God will take care of it.
00:27:55.47\00:27:57.11
God bless you, guys.
00:27:57.14\00:27:58.47