The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello, welcome to Pure Choices.
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I'm your host
Pastor Joshua Nelson,
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this is my co-host.
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I'm Brittany Hill-Morales.
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And we're so glad
you decided to join us.
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Today, the title
is 51 Shades of Grey.
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That's right.
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Gonna get into it today.
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But before we
start, let's go ahead
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and ask the
spirit to be with us.
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Heavenly Father, we ask
you to sent your Holy Spirit
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to guide us
through this discussion.
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In Jesus' name we pray.
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Amen. Amen.
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All right, we've already
heard from our my co-host,
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go to the panel here.
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We have Chaplin Xavier Morales.
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Next to him is,
Kimberly Douglas.
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And next to her
is pastor KP Douglas.
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I am so glad that we're here.
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Of course, we have
some married couple here,
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and I'm married as well,
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so this is gonna
be a good discussion.
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We're talking about of course,
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the things that people
don't really want to talk about,
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the expectations you
may have in the bedroom
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before you get married.
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And so let's go and
start the discussion now.
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We want to talk to you all,
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and you know,
it's gonna be long,
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maybe, hopeful it won't be
too uncomfortable for you guys.
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We want to talk to you about
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what were some
expectations you had
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before you got
married, specifically for sex?
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What are some expectations
that you may have had?
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Let's go head and start with...
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who do I to get this time?
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Kimberly, I'm looking
at you the whole time,
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go ahead and start.
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All right.
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Expectation that I had...
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going into marriage...
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Yes.
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It's funny now
that I look at it,
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they were really off.
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But in terms of
sex, I thought that,
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yeah, all day, every
day, which is ridiculous.
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Yes.
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Well, not
technically all day, everyday,
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`but I remember when
we were going through
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one of our premarital sessions,
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he ask specific, "Oh,
well, we have to fill out",
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you know, you go
through the workbook
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and there was this one question
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about, you know, expectations.
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And I think we both filled out,
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as we said, as
often as possible.
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I said, "As much
as humanly possible."
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"As much has humanly possible."
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So that was my
response. Sounds good.
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Yeah, all right.
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So let's see, Morales,
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can you all share with
what were your expectations?
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I'm thinking, I don't think
I had any crazy expectations.
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I just anticipated that it
should be good all the time.
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And I guess, I had like this
fantasy of who would always,
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I guess, have
that moment together,
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and it wanna be
one person always,
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other person is not.
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So I guess that was one
of my huge expectations.
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Okay, I guess,
I'll answer as well.
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You know, I expecting,
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you know, a kind of
what you are saying,
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it should be all the time,
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it just, you know,
its just some type of,
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I guess, see on TV, some
fantasy, whatever may be.
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And yeah,
definitely it didn't end up
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being like that,
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you know.
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But I think that
this is important
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because lot people do
have a lot of expectations
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similar to that.
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So let's go on to may be
some more that others may have
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and maybe some that we have
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which didn't want
to say we had them.
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What are someone's that, that
we think that a lot of people
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may have expecting for
sex when go into marriage,
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but may find out
it's not realistic.
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What do you think?
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Probably that will
always be a very creative
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that you'll never get bored.
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That each day will
just be something new,
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something exciting that
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you'll just be
so hyped afterwards,
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you just be "yes, I got
married and it's amazing."
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Maybe something
towards those features.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I think people also
expected to last a long time.
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All night long.
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You know, like all
every single times,
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30 minutes or better,
some like that, I don't know.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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That's a good point.
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I think they
also expected to be,
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you know, Hollywood style,
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where, you know, you
wake up next to your spouse,
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everything is beautiful,
you know, no morning breath.
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None of that, you
know that if you just like,
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wow, you know, you hear
the music in the background...
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Yeah, birds chirping.
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Yeah, birds chirping and every,
the whole thing that like it's,
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you know, its...
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Yeah, almost like
the expectation like,
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you know, it's gonna be,
person gonna... a machine
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and this gonna just
be like the all the time.
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But hey, you get
little tried sometime, right?
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I mean, you know, I mean,
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you can't go like what
you've thought you could,
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even we get older, you know.
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So I mean, yeah,
there's a lot expectations,
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even specially
in terms of people
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who are may be
never had sex before,
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you know, they
thinking that, oh, you know,
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its gonna be
great the first time.
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But reality is, you
know, there's a lot,
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some pain
involved, you know, in the...
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Mercy. So, yeah.
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So you know, you have to
be realistic in thinking that.
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I think that why
we are saying this
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because we're trying to be real,
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because a lot of what
we see on TV and what not,
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has shown us
something different.
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And so just, you
know, if it is not that way
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don't think
something's wrong with you
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but this is just
what real life is.
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Add something.
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Yeah, I was gonna say,
let's get like a little deeper.
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There are some couples
who are probably watching this
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and may be they just got engaged
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and they know the
inevitable has happen,
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is gonna happen
after they get married.
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When should they start having
the conversation about sex?
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Okay. Okay.
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I think it's
important to a have early on,
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because you wanna make
sure on all things you're,
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you know, in the same
book on the same page.
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It doesn't have to be,
you know, same everything.
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But with something as important
as sex, I do think that,
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you know, that conversation
needs to happen early.
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And that you talk
things through because,
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I think something
that I am learning,
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you know, now
that we're married and,
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you know,
sexually active of course,
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is that and
talking to older people
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or people who have
been married for years,
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you're constantly
learning, you know.
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So you do wanna
have that conversation
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to see what each
other is thinking
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and to see where
to go from there.
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Okay, so you all mind
kind of sharing with us,
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not the conversation,
but how you brought it up
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and how you had
the conversation,
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you know, about it.
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Something
awkwardness or anything?
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Not really.
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I don't know if we
really had like a sit down,
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this is what we're gonna do.
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Let's talk about sex.
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As a guy, you know, as
a guy once you get engage
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you kind of
always joke about it.
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You know, what I am saying?
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You say crazy
stuff, I will put it down.
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You know, I can't even
say I was going to say this.
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You know, you
just watch and see.
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You know, you just
joke around the case.
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But no, we went to
premarital counseling and stuff
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that we've talked about.
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And even the
counselor brought out,
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you know, that's success
in marriage in all points,
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sex period is based
on managing expectations.
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And basically, you
know, he even told us
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that our
expectation were unrealistic,
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even though we share
the same expectation.
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He let us know, you know,
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when you get there
just don't be disappointed
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because it's not
realistic, you know.
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And I think you
guys early on as you can,
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you know, talk about it,
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and talk be as real as you want.
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Especially because
not everybody gets married
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are virgins, you know.
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Whether you both
are virgins or not,
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or one is and one isn't,
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you should defiantly
talk about expectation
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not only what you would
expect from your partner,
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but what you had, may
be what you've experienced.
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Not in detail
what you've experience,
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well, you know, the things
that you may expect from them
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because of what you've
been through, you know.
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I know, you know, that
once you watch pornography,
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once you've had sex,
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you kind of some time expect if,
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you know, the sex in
marriage is to resemble a porno.
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And so you know,
that's unrealistic,
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your wife is not a porn
star and neither are you.
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So you got to
manage those expectation,
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you know, realistically.
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So, and I'm gonna jump
to you guys in a second
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but I wanna keep the
Douglas for second, you know.
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If you're in this situation
and you realize, wait a second,
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there's something that
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this expectation I
have is totally different
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than what my spouse
really want us to do.
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For example, you
know, I have had a past,
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I've had
experience with doing this,
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and some people will
say to you, well, what...
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You should share what you like.
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Well, I'm not suppose
to have "what I like",
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you know, if I'm
doing how God want me to do.
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So she must be very
virgins going into it,
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but the reality
is not every body is.
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So if you say,
"Well, this is what I like,
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honey, I expect
this in the marriage",
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but she said,
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"Well, I don't feel comfortable
with that," you know.
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Was there any place,
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you know, I'm not trying
to get too deeper you all.
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But is there any place
you all had to say, all right,
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you know, there's
some disagreements
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in how we may be see things?
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Now that I'm thinking
back on it, I don't think that,
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I cant think of
anything that was too out there,
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but one thing that did
stand out for me personally,
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was just how
patient, you know, Kory, was.
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And that's I
guesses, is another blessing
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in terms of just the
waiting and let him God lead
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because it's something like,
you know, I had to grow into.
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And then, you
know, just being married,
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you know newly, it's
something that he had,
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you know, had to
grow into as will.
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But in terms of
thinking of anything specific,
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I don't know.
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Help me if you can, I don't know
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if I can mention
anything specific.
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But I will say
this, I think that
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no matter how
experienced either person is,
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I personally feel that
it is the job of the male
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to be patience,
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you know, to be
that person who is,
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who may take more
of the Ls, if you may.
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You know, even if you
are experienced or not,
00:10:03.70\00:10:05.70
you know, even she
says, "I'm not comfortable,"
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Then I think,
yeah, every man's job
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should be to
respect that, you know.
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I mean, so. Okay.
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Morales, let's go.
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I think its
creating that environment
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to where you both feel
comfortable talking about.
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I mean, it's
part of your marriage,
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its the reason that,
you know, Bible says,
00:10:20.42\00:10:23.28
that's what binds
you together, you know.
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You have to be
able to comfortable
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to talk about it.
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And as far as, you know,
conversations and everything
00:10:28.32\00:10:31.16
that love that you have
for each other, it just...
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when God placed that love there,
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you're aiming to
please one another,
00:10:35.66\00:10:37.30
you know, you're
aiming to make sure
00:10:37.33\00:10:39.33
each other's needs
are met in that regard.
00:10:39.37\00:10:41.74
So you know, really,
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you know, I hate to
put it technically like,
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oh, I don't like
this or I don't like that.
00:10:45.41\00:10:47.04
I think it's
more of what you know,
00:10:47.08\00:10:48.41
you talk about what
you're comfortable with
00:10:48.44\00:10:49.78
and what you're
not comfortable with.
00:10:49.81\00:10:51.61
You know, you actually
have genuine conversation with,
00:10:51.65\00:10:54.42
that's what we had.
00:10:54.45\00:10:55.78
You don't had a
genuine conversation about,
00:10:55.82\00:10:57.32
you know, what
we don't agree with,
00:10:57.35\00:10:58.69
what we agree with it,
00:10:58.72\00:11:00.06
and you know,
certain things that
00:11:00.09\00:11:02.56
we choose not to keep
out of the bedroom, you know.
00:11:02.59\00:11:05.36
Even with me, having my
past, with her having her,
00:11:05.39\00:11:08.26
you know, we choose
to keep certain things
00:11:08.30\00:11:09.63
out of the element, not because
of anything else in that,
00:11:09.66\00:11:12.47
then our walk is
different, you know,
00:11:12.50\00:11:14.10
we want to do
things differently.
00:11:14.14\00:11:15.50
Yeah. Okay.
00:11:15.54\00:11:16.87
Yeah, I would add to that.
00:11:16.91\00:11:18.64
That I think growing up,
00:11:18.67\00:11:21.64
always heard that
sex is one of those
00:11:21.68\00:11:23.85
deal breakers that
you have to probably know
00:11:23.88\00:11:26.11
what's going to happen.
00:11:26.15\00:11:27.82
So I'm not sure
00:11:27.85\00:11:29.18
how anybody else
feels about this by having,
00:11:29.22\00:11:31.15
about talking about sex
before you even get engaged.
00:11:31.19\00:11:34.36
I think we had a
few conversation about
00:11:34.39\00:11:37.29
possibly what we heard about.
00:11:37.33\00:11:40.86
Like, there's this one
epidemic that's going on about
00:11:40.90\00:11:44.03
licking eyeballs.
00:11:44.07\00:11:45.40
I will say like, that
is never gonna happen.
00:11:45.43\00:11:47.64
Don't you dear lick my eyeballs.
00:11:47.67\00:11:49.27
It is not cute, I don't...
00:11:49.30\00:11:51.91
But there are
things that you hear about
00:11:51.94\00:11:53.71
and so let's just go sit
down and have that conversation.
00:11:53.74\00:11:57.55
And that's one thing,
00:11:57.58\00:11:58.91
I'm not sure how
do you guys feel,
00:11:58.95\00:12:00.62
should that conversation
happened before you got engaged
00:12:00.65\00:12:03.59
to be like, okay,
there's sot of things
00:12:03.62\00:12:04.95
I've heard about,
00:12:04.99\00:12:06.32
I don't know if
you are into that.
00:12:06.35\00:12:07.82
I just, I am not in
to it so I need to know
00:12:07.86\00:12:09.86
now if you are, so I can
probably go separate ways.
00:12:09.89\00:12:12.39
What do you think?
00:12:12.43\00:12:13.76
Well, I wasn't really one
00:12:13.80\00:12:15.13
who believed in the
whole casual dating.
00:12:15.16\00:12:17.37
So, you know, I think
that once you are dating,
00:12:17.40\00:12:19.77
you're dating with the purpose.
00:12:19.80\00:12:21.47
So, you know, and
our story is a little,
00:12:21.50\00:12:25.34
you know, little atypical.
00:12:25.37\00:12:27.71
But I think that
00:12:27.74\00:12:31.21
when Kory and I realized
00:12:31.25\00:12:33.28
that this the
direction we're heading in,
00:12:33.31\00:12:35.22
and even before we got engaged,
00:12:35.25\00:12:38.02
you know, there was
a common understanding.
00:12:38.05\00:12:42.22
Yeah, I think,
00:12:42.26\00:12:45.19
you know, you had
that at the conversation,
00:12:45.23\00:12:46.90
you know, you have
to have it before...
00:12:46.93\00:12:48.26
I even think
00:12:48.30\00:12:51.43
having before you engage
00:12:51.47\00:12:52.80
because, you know, you want to,
00:12:52.83\00:12:55.10
at least in my
situation that I needed to know,
00:12:55.14\00:12:58.14
I wanted to know like,
really that was important aspect
00:12:58.17\00:13:00.64
of your relationship
that how a person feels,
00:13:00.68\00:13:03.11
how sexually charged are they.
00:13:03.14\00:13:05.45
You know, I'll just be honest,
I don't make sexual advertise,
00:13:05.48\00:13:09.12
so someone, you
know, who is not,
00:13:09.15\00:13:10.49
I have to really mess with that.
00:13:10.52\00:13:11.85
I think that's all part of
the being mess with someone
00:13:11.89\00:13:13.86
in all areas of life.
00:13:13.89\00:13:15.22
And I think a mature
individual and Christian,
00:13:15.26\00:13:17.93
you know, that's should be
something you should discuss.
00:13:17.96\00:13:19.83
I don't think it
necessarily is a deal breaker
00:13:19.86\00:13:22.20
but it should be
something that you discuss
00:13:22.23\00:13:24.07
to know what it is beforehand.
00:13:24.10\00:13:25.43
Yeah.
00:13:25.47\00:13:26.80
And I think also to don't wait
00:13:26.84\00:13:28.74
to get to premarital
counseling to discuss it.
00:13:28.77\00:13:31.27
You know, not
necessary what's on paper
00:13:31.31\00:13:33.78
is what's gonna actually happen.
00:13:33.81\00:13:35.61
You know, my wife and
I, you know, on paper,
00:13:35.64\00:13:39.11
we're compatible,
great as great as, you know.
00:13:39.15\00:13:41.42
But you know, we had to
sit, if we had not sit down
00:13:41.45\00:13:43.79
to speak about
certain things beforehand,
00:13:43.82\00:13:46.09
there's other issues
that we're not touched on
00:13:46.12\00:13:47.56
doing that counseling session.
00:13:47.59\00:13:48.92
Yeah.
00:13:48.96\00:13:50.29
Now we had to touch
base, and we had to talk about,
00:13:50.33\00:13:51.73
we had to go more into
detail, you know, because again,
00:13:51.76\00:13:55.40
not every, you can't
discuss absolutely everything
00:13:55.43\00:13:58.17
during that
premarital counseling,
00:13:58.20\00:13:59.60
those premarital
counseling sessions.
00:13:59.63\00:14:00.97
You have to be able
to engage your spouse
00:14:01.00\00:14:03.20
and talked to them about,
00:14:03.24\00:14:04.57
you know, this is my
comfort, why and why not.
00:14:04.61\00:14:06.98
And so we had to really
speak aside from what we learned
00:14:07.01\00:14:10.18
and spoke about in
the premarital counseling.
00:14:10.21\00:14:12.41
Yeah, I mean
its truly important.
00:14:12.45\00:14:14.08
I mean, I know I have a friend
who married a ex-porn star.
00:14:14.12\00:14:18.05
And so, you know, not
only were there things that
00:14:18.09\00:14:20.82
this individual had to
tone down for his spouse,
00:14:20.86\00:14:25.13
but the spouse had a
feeling of inadequacy
00:14:25.16\00:14:27.93
because, you know,
00:14:27.96\00:14:29.30
how can I ever live
up to all that you had,
00:14:29.33\00:14:30.70
all that you really
need to make you feel good,
00:14:30.73\00:14:33.17
you know.
00:14:33.20\00:14:34.54
And so not saying this,
that's a rare case, you know.
00:14:34.57\00:14:37.17
But there can be
that disconnect or that,
00:14:37.21\00:14:40.21
you know, difference
of opinions and feelings
00:14:40.24\00:14:43.21
so that it really needs
to be discusses beforehand.
00:14:43.24\00:14:45.21
So, you know, my
question would be,
00:14:45.25\00:14:47.32
if there is such a disconnect
and I truly, like I need
00:14:47.35\00:14:50.69
x, y, and z to just
feel good, you know.
00:14:50.72\00:14:53.15
Otherwise I don't,
it's not even sex to me,
00:14:53.19\00:14:55.16
you know.
00:14:55.19\00:14:56.73
Should the other person
who doesn't feel comfortable,
00:14:56.76\00:14:58.63
should they try to raise
to that level at some point?
00:14:58.66\00:15:03.00
I think the key
to all relationship,
00:15:03.03\00:15:05.47
even before sex is that
your aim is not to be pleased,
00:15:05.50\00:15:09.64
you know, it's to
please the other person.
00:15:09.67\00:15:11.94
And I know that
something that helps me.
00:15:11.97\00:15:14.38
You know what I'm saying?
00:15:14.41\00:15:15.74
I seek first to pleased my wife.
00:15:15.78\00:15:18.25
You know what I'm saying.
00:15:18.28\00:15:19.61
And you know, that
takes a lot of humility,
00:15:19.65\00:15:21.85
takes a lot of self-denial,
00:15:21.88\00:15:23.39
and I can only pray that she
is aiming to please me as well.
00:15:23.42\00:15:27.02
And when both
people are doing that,
00:15:27.06\00:15:28.39
it kind of
brings about a balance
00:15:28.42\00:15:29.76
because if I'm
looking for what she likes
00:15:29.79\00:15:32.06
and she is
looking for what I like,
00:15:32.09\00:15:33.50
then we're both kind of,
00:15:33.53\00:15:34.86
you know, we
kinda taking care of.
00:15:34.90\00:15:36.50
As well as I
won't wanna do anything
00:15:36.53\00:15:38.00
that would make
her uncomfortable
00:15:38.03\00:15:39.37
because I know
she didn't like it.
00:15:39.40\00:15:40.87
And we do this kind
of check thing where,
00:15:40.90\00:15:43.51
you know, you
go through and ask,
00:15:43.54\00:15:46.64
"Well, is there anything that,
00:15:46.68\00:15:49.54
you know, is
lacking or there anything,"
00:15:49.58\00:15:52.38
you know, because having
a conversation in beginning
00:15:52.41\00:15:55.32
is great but now
that you're married
00:15:55.35\00:15:57.75
and you're actually living
00:15:57.79\00:15:59.25
the conversation
needs to continue as well.
00:15:59.29\00:16:01.82
And there's nothing
wrong in having a conversation
00:16:01.86\00:16:03.59
during the act either.
00:16:03.63\00:16:04.96
Yeah.
00:16:04.99\00:16:06.33
Which sounds little weird,
00:16:06.36\00:16:07.70
but I am just
saying like you just,
00:16:07.73\00:16:09.16
there is nothing
wrong with talking.
00:16:09.20\00:16:10.53
On television you don't
see people talking through
00:16:10.57\00:16:12.03
because everybody is assuming
00:16:12.07\00:16:13.40
they know what they
are doing, you know.
00:16:13.44\00:16:14.80
But there's no problem
if in the middle of the act,
00:16:14.84\00:16:18.57
you know, saying, "Are you good?
00:16:18.61\00:16:19.94
Is that good for you?"
00:16:19.97\00:16:21.31
You know, "What should I do?"
00:16:21.34\00:16:22.68
You know, I think
that's okay as well.
00:16:22.71\00:16:24.05
Every body is
different, you know.
00:16:24.08\00:16:25.58
So even if, you
know, you see on the TV,
00:16:25.61\00:16:27.75
well, that may not be what you,
00:16:27.78\00:16:29.98
you know, my wife is gonna like,
00:16:30.02\00:16:31.35
you know, and vice-versa, so.
00:16:31.39\00:16:33.15
Yeah, defiantly.
00:16:33.19\00:16:34.52
So we can't discuss the,
00:16:34.56\00:16:36.06
when you should kind
of have the conversation
00:16:36.09\00:16:38.49
before you get
married, and possibly,
00:16:38.53\00:16:40.30
how do you even go about it?
00:16:40.33\00:16:41.66
But what exactly
should you state?
00:16:41.70\00:16:43.50
Because, if the two
of them are virgins,
00:16:43.53\00:16:47.10
there isn't
realty much to go off of.
00:16:47.14\00:16:49.77
So what do you
discuss in that talk?
00:16:49.80\00:16:53.04
Okay, that's good.
00:16:53.07\00:16:54.48
I think one
thing if you're virgin,
00:16:54.51\00:16:57.31
you know, discuss the fears,
00:16:57.35\00:16:58.78
you know, that the fears
of certain things, you know.
00:16:58.81\00:17:02.45
Don't be afraid.
00:17:02.48\00:17:03.82
Again, create the atmosphere
00:17:03.85\00:17:05.19
where you're not afraid to
share of your certain fears.
00:17:05.22\00:17:07.82
The one thing that you should
never do whether virgin or not
00:17:07.86\00:17:10.86
is seek external
resources such has pornography
00:17:10.89\00:17:14.16
or TV shows or movies, you know,
00:17:14.20\00:17:16.87
don't seek external
things of that nature, you know.
00:17:16.90\00:17:21.40
One big one, I
mean, one big one,
00:17:21.44\00:17:23.37
and I hate to sound
cliche, but it's beautiful,
00:17:23.41\00:17:25.84
it's beautifully
written the song,
00:17:25.87\00:17:27.21
it's the Song of Solomon.
00:17:27.24\00:17:28.71
You know, it paints of
picture of how a man, a husband,
00:17:28.74\00:17:33.11
he said you say,
interact with his wife.
00:17:33.15\00:17:34.82
And how wife, he said,
interact with her husband.
00:17:34.85\00:17:37.35
It's, you know, and
most of us think of God
00:17:37.39\00:17:40.36
as the G-rated PG 13 God
but this Song of Solomon,
00:17:40.39\00:17:44.63
you know it's rated R,
00:17:44.66\00:17:45.99
you know, there's
borderline right there you know.
00:17:46.03\00:17:47.36
But it paints a
beautiful master piece
00:17:47.40\00:17:49.20
of exactly the
symphony or the, you know,
00:17:49.23\00:17:52.67
the dance that you both have
together in the marital bed.
00:17:52.70\00:17:57.11
Yeah, that's good.
00:17:57.14\00:17:58.87
I think that if
you're virgin on not,
00:17:58.91\00:18:00.48
you gonna have expectations.
00:18:00.51\00:18:02.14
You know, we've
been, we've been,
00:18:02.18\00:18:05.11
we've been, we've been...
00:18:05.15\00:18:08.48
What's the word you looking for?
00:18:08.52\00:18:10.59
Fun time.
00:18:10.62\00:18:11.95
We've been, you
know, exposed so much.
00:18:11.99\00:18:15.16
And so even as a virgin,
you can kinda talk about,
00:18:15.19\00:18:18.49
you know, what may
not be what you make like
00:18:18.53\00:18:20.66
or maybe what you
would like to happen.
00:18:20.70\00:18:22.23
And you know, you probably
surprised after the fact,
00:18:22.26\00:18:24.87
you may not like that,
00:18:24.90\00:18:26.23
you know, even you
thought you may based on
00:18:26.27\00:18:27.67
just observing it, so.
00:18:27.70\00:18:30.17
I'll probably add I
think, one of the main things
00:18:30.21\00:18:32.27
that you should
probably talk about is may be
00:18:32.31\00:18:34.98
how often, that's
probably important,
00:18:35.01\00:18:37.35
how often and
probably expectations of,
00:18:37.38\00:18:40.58
I don't know, can you say
how long it be probably last?
00:18:40.62\00:18:44.25
Can we do that?
00:18:44.29\00:18:45.82
You can, I don't know,
if you got the accurate...
00:18:45.85\00:18:47.19
You can try...
00:18:47.22\00:18:49.89
May be, you know,
we'll have a good accurate,
00:18:49.92\00:18:51.53
you know, probably it should be,
00:18:51.56\00:18:52.89
you know, I guess,
everybody, their cliche is now,
00:18:52.93\00:18:55.00
that you know, don't
ever last for one minute,
00:18:55.03\00:18:57.93
at least be long
as one minute, right?
00:18:57.97\00:18:59.73
And that's the
thing, each time at least
00:18:59.77\00:19:02.64
I can't speak for anybody else,
00:19:02.67\00:19:04.31
but each
experience is different.
00:19:04.34\00:19:07.41
Some might be long,
00:19:07.44\00:19:09.94
other, it might
not be that long.
00:19:09.98\00:19:11.98
And honestly,
things happen in a day,
00:19:12.01\00:19:14.78
you might have had long day
and you know you already tired.
00:19:14.82\00:19:19.25
And I'm talking
about both people,
00:19:19.29\00:19:20.96
not necessarily
one at this point
00:19:20.99\00:19:22.59
because we normally talk
about one wanting to have sex,
00:19:22.62\00:19:25.73
the other one not wanting to.
00:19:25.76\00:19:27.36
Now when you both
tired and it's just like,
00:19:27.40\00:19:29.86
okay, well, let's just,
00:19:29.90\00:19:31.70
you know, try
to have sex anyway.
00:19:31.73\00:19:33.50
And it might not be that long.
00:19:33.54\00:19:35.70
And the other think is as you,
00:19:35.74\00:19:39.77
it's like continuingly learning.
00:19:39.81\00:19:42.34
And as your
learning about each other,
00:19:42.38\00:19:44.38
you're learning about yourself
through this whole process,
00:19:44.41\00:19:48.18
it all changes.
00:19:48.22\00:19:49.88
So I don't know if
you can necessary say,
00:19:49.92\00:19:52.95
yeah, let's go
for 30, 45 minutes
00:19:52.99\00:19:55.46
this time around
and, you know, it changes.
00:19:55.49\00:19:59.26
And then the other thing too
00:19:59.29\00:20:00.66
is female is
different the males.
00:20:00.70\00:20:03.16
You know, what I
as a female might say,
00:20:03.20\00:20:06.30
"Yeah, hour, " you know,
he is looking at me like..."
00:20:06.33\00:20:10.47
How?" You know.
00:20:10.51\00:20:12.47
So it's different,
00:20:12.51\00:20:13.91
there are too many
variables, I think.
00:20:13.94\00:20:15.94
Yeah, and I think there,
00:20:15.98\00:20:17.45
you know, the
conversation is important.
00:20:17.48\00:20:20.62
I know that, for us
we had a talk about,
00:20:20.65\00:20:23.02
specially if you
want it to schedule,
00:20:23.05\00:20:26.15
and if you want it also,
00:20:26.19\00:20:27.52
you know, just be spontaneous.
00:20:27.56\00:20:29.19
I think that you have
to kind of discuss that
00:20:29.22\00:20:31.29
there maybe sometimes
that it will be spontaneous,
00:20:31.33\00:20:33.86
but there're also
may be sometimes where,
00:20:33.90\00:20:35.40
you know, you're gonna be
busy, you wanna make sure,
00:20:35.43\00:20:37.10
hey, at least we
know, this you know,
00:20:37.13\00:20:39.13
you know like for date-night,
00:20:39.17\00:20:40.50
you know, we know that
a least of nothing else
00:20:40.54\00:20:42.17
that could be,
that could be night.
00:20:42.20\00:20:45.41
And what it does, it
just kind of build things up,
00:20:45.44\00:20:47.68
you know, I guess, I'm kinda
going to now being married.
00:20:47.71\00:20:49.38
But it gonna built things up
00:20:49.41\00:20:51.51
to say, okay, this what we're
expect more looking forward to
00:20:51.55\00:20:55.32
but in the
spontaneous may be good as well.
00:20:55.35\00:20:56.89
But different couples may be
differs, some people may say,
00:20:56.92\00:20:58.69
I never wanna schedule,
you know, I never want to be,
00:20:58.72\00:21:01.72
I want to always be spontaneous
00:21:01.76\00:21:03.59
or I never want
to be spontaneous.
00:21:03.63\00:21:04.96
And so I think
those conversation
00:21:04.99\00:21:06.33
can be had beforehand,
00:21:06.36\00:21:07.70
because you
going to the marriage,
00:21:07.73\00:21:09.06
you're thinking, well, you know,
00:21:09.10\00:21:10.43
I heard you're suppose
to have it every other day.
00:21:10.47\00:21:12.13
So that's what it should be.
00:21:12.17\00:21:13.50
Why weren't having, or
why we are having sex today?
00:21:13.54\00:21:15.17
You know, so
understanding each other,
00:21:15.20\00:21:17.31
how each other things,
00:21:17.34\00:21:18.67
you know,
beforehand should be discussed.
00:21:18.71\00:21:20.88
Yeah, because we
do have some couples
00:21:20.91\00:21:22.94
who may be one thinks,
00:21:22.98\00:21:24.58
oh, we should only have sex
00:21:24.61\00:21:25.95
if you're trying
to have children.
00:21:25.98\00:21:27.32
And that's always,
00:21:27.35\00:21:28.78
that's gonna be
a hard conversation
00:21:28.82\00:21:31.09
for that
husband-wife to sit down.
00:21:31.12\00:21:34.06
Well, that, I guess
engaged couple sit down like,
00:21:34.09\00:21:36.29
okay, this my belief.
00:21:36.32\00:21:37.73
How do you deal
with those values
00:21:37.76\00:21:39.09
if that person has
that extreme values?
00:21:39.13\00:21:41.53
That's gonna be hard.
00:21:41.56\00:21:43.23
It goes back to the realistic
00:21:43.26\00:21:44.60
versus unrealistic expectations.
00:21:44.63\00:21:47.57
And I think it also has to do it
00:21:47.60\00:21:49.10
with having a
level of maturity too
00:21:49.14\00:21:51.37
when you're, you know,
00:21:51.41\00:21:52.91
when you're
dealing with your spouse,
00:21:52.94\00:21:55.18
because it's not
always what I want.
00:21:55.21\00:21:58.45
You know, like you said earlier,
00:21:58.48\00:22:01.52
making sure that you
make time not just for sex
00:22:01.55\00:22:05.55
but to intimate with each other.
00:22:05.59\00:22:07.52
That, we talking about
fire-proofing a marriage,
00:22:07.56\00:22:10.33
that's major, you know.
00:22:10.36\00:22:12.39
So, yeah, we might
had a busy day and yeah,
00:22:12.43\00:22:15.33
I might not feel
like it right now,
00:22:15.36\00:22:17.27
but it's not about me.
00:22:17.30\00:22:19.23
So I would try to, you
know, make sure that he is okay,
00:22:19.27\00:22:24.01
and vise-versa he'll try
to make sure that I am okay.
00:22:24.04\00:22:27.24
You have to be
intentional about it too
00:22:27.28\00:22:29.18
because life really starts
to happen once you get married.
00:22:29.21\00:22:33.08
And if you not intentional,
00:22:33.11\00:22:35.32
a whole bunch things
will fall by the wayside.
00:22:35.35\00:22:38.19
Yeah.
00:22:38.22\00:22:39.55
Shall we talk about
contraceptives, may be?
00:22:39.59\00:22:43.26
I was going to
go somewhere else.
00:22:43.29\00:22:44.63
Okay, go somewhere else.
00:22:44.66\00:22:45.99
I kind of want
to talk about that.
00:22:46.03\00:22:47.36
But go head, go someplace else.
00:22:47.40\00:22:48.73
I think whether you
are experienced or not,
00:22:48.76\00:22:50.57
when it comes to having the talk
00:22:50.60\00:22:52.60
it might be good to go
to premarital counselor
00:22:52.63\00:22:55.57
and have that conversation.
00:22:55.60\00:22:57.47
But in our situation,
our premarital counselor
00:22:57.51\00:23:00.38
didn't really do much
talking, we did a test online.
00:23:00.41\00:23:04.81
And after we did it,
she look at the results
00:23:04.85\00:23:06.28
and she was like, "Okay,
00:23:06.31\00:23:07.65
I think you guys
are gonna be fine."
00:23:07.68\00:23:09.18
So in those situations
who can you trust to I guess,
00:23:09.22\00:23:14.22
prepare you for
your marriage moment?
00:23:14.26\00:23:16.96
Like, who can we instruct
like I guess, our viewers
00:23:16.99\00:23:20.06
to suggest me to have
that good conversation,
00:23:20.10\00:23:22.60
we already said,
pornography is not an option.
00:23:22.63\00:23:24.53
Yeah.
00:23:24.57\00:23:25.90
You don't always
want to go to your boys?
00:23:25.93\00:23:27.27
No.
00:23:27.30\00:23:28.64
Boy or girlfriends.
00:23:28.67\00:23:30.74
But I think that having
friends who are married couples,
00:23:30.77\00:23:36.31
because you
still needs to careful
00:23:36.34\00:23:37.85
I think, with who you,
00:23:37.88\00:23:39.21
you know, share
your business with.
00:23:39.25\00:23:40.68
But having good
friends who are married,
00:23:40.72\00:23:43.99
who you know, you
can share things with
00:23:44.02\00:23:47.42
and be honest with, helps a lot.
00:23:47.46\00:23:50.86
Because, you know, we have,
00:23:50.89\00:23:52.86
you talk about people who
you've grown up with in church
00:23:52.89\00:23:55.30
and they've got
married as well and so,
00:23:55.33\00:23:57.73
you know, you
kind of bounce ideas
00:23:57.77\00:23:59.40
whether its ideas for day-night
00:23:59.43\00:24:00.94
or you know, just you wanna have
00:24:00.97\00:24:03.17
that accountability partner
00:24:03.20\00:24:05.24
as we mention to kind
of help you along the way.
00:24:05.27\00:24:08.18
And that you can
help them along the way,
00:24:08.21\00:24:09.74
because as you're
helping each other
00:24:09.78\00:24:11.28
you're still growing.
00:24:11.31\00:24:14.22
And you should
really try to found
00:24:14.25\00:24:15.58
a good counselor, that help us.
00:24:15.62\00:24:16.95
Yes.
00:24:16.99\00:24:18.32
Well, I need to find
somebody else, you know.
00:24:18.35\00:24:20.36
I mean 'cause
counseling, I mean, of course,
00:24:20.39\00:24:21.72
I'm not saying
'cause my wife is counselor.
00:24:21.76\00:24:24.19
But counselor is important,
you know, it really is.
00:24:24.23\00:24:26.66
You need to have someone
to look at things objectively
00:24:26.70\00:24:30.83
from another prospective
and talk things about,
00:24:30.87\00:24:33.44
talk to them about,
and there are good marriage
00:24:33.47\00:24:35.17
and family councilors out there
00:24:35.20\00:24:36.54
who will do the job in leading
you in the right direction,
00:24:36.57\00:24:39.37
answering some
of those questions.
00:24:39.41\00:24:40.88
And you know, hopefully,
00:24:40.91\00:24:42.54
people have a good relation
with their parents as well.
00:24:42.58\00:24:44.75
But you know, I know for,
00:24:44.78\00:24:46.28
you know, some of us it
wasn't always that good,
00:24:46.31\00:24:48.22
open conversation.
00:24:48.25\00:24:49.58
But you should you
know, be able to seek someone
00:24:49.62\00:24:52.89
who has been there before,
knows you pretty as well.
00:24:52.92\00:24:56.12
Go ahead, Kory.
00:24:56.16\00:24:57.49
Now as you're saying, I
had that kind of mother,
00:24:57.53\00:24:59.33
I can just tell her whatever.
00:24:59.36\00:25:01.03
And I think when
I lost my virginity
00:25:01.06\00:25:02.43
I'm might have call my mom.
00:25:02.46\00:25:04.07
I was so serious
back then, an hour later,
00:25:04.10\00:25:06.63
you know, probably
because I was felt guilty,
00:25:06.67\00:25:08.54
and probably because, you know,
00:25:08.57\00:25:10.21
I just want to see
what she would say.
00:25:10.24\00:25:11.57
But you know,
having that parent,
00:25:11.61\00:25:13.24
you know, it is key, it is key.
00:25:13.27\00:25:16.18
And funny enough,
for me it was my dad.
00:25:16.21\00:25:18.65
Because you think about
you know, the "sex talk."
00:25:18.68\00:25:21.98
My dad did the whole
night, got out the white board,
00:25:22.02\00:25:24.92
started drawing, I was like,
"Oh, God, please stop, stop."
00:25:24.95\00:25:28.09
And you know, he was
that parent who would,
00:25:28.12\00:25:32.03
and it's so weird how he
did, but he would drop nuggets
00:25:32.06\00:25:35.53
of advice and
information perfectly timed.
00:25:35.56\00:25:39.90
So, you know, I would say
look out for that individual,
00:25:39.93\00:25:43.17
even if its not a parent
00:25:43.20\00:25:44.54
it could be a
trusted family member
00:25:44.57\00:25:46.01
or, you know, older individual.
00:25:46.04\00:25:48.28
Okay, all right.
00:25:48.31\00:25:50.08
And I think my bridal
shower really help too,
00:25:50.11\00:25:54.12
the girls gave a lot
of wisdom on that night.
00:25:54.15\00:25:56.58
So young ladies, don't worry
may have the good bridal shower
00:25:56.62\00:25:59.89
and I give you
free martial wisdom.
00:25:59.92\00:26:01.26
I don't know
where the men go to.
00:26:01.29\00:26:02.82
Where do you guys go to?
00:26:02.86\00:26:04.19
We, we...
00:26:04.23\00:26:05.56
It's a lot of
grunting involve like...
00:26:05.59\00:26:08.90
We can't tell you all.
00:26:08.93\00:26:10.27
Yeah, we just...
00:26:10.30\00:26:12.83
But I think it's that,
00:26:12.87\00:26:14.57
I think you know,
what I said was true,
00:26:14.60\00:26:16.64
you know, my parents and I have
a very good in a relationship.
00:26:16.67\00:26:20.01
I've never felt quite
comfortable with them.
00:26:20.04\00:26:22.11
I mean, I'm told him every thing
00:26:22.14\00:26:23.48
but I'm haven't got information
from them about that.
00:26:23.51\00:26:26.51
Got 'love you
guys'. But, which is weird.
00:26:26.55\00:26:29.68
But I think having good,
you know, when I say that,
00:26:29.72\00:26:31.99
good solid married couples
that can give you advice,
00:26:32.02\00:26:35.26
you know, 'cause not
every, not all married couples
00:26:35.29\00:26:37.43
are create equal, you know.
00:26:37.46\00:26:39.63
And I think having
those solid married couples
00:26:39.66\00:26:41.66
that have been married
00:26:41.70\00:26:43.03
and I know I want to say a name
00:26:43.06\00:26:44.87
because that's my boy
Reginald, his wife Cynthia.
00:26:44.90\00:26:48.40
Got to shout out you know,
00:26:48.44\00:26:49.77
because they really were very
instrumental in their advice.
00:26:49.80\00:26:54.64
I think they're
married for 20 years,
00:26:54.68\00:26:56.18
because we celebrate
their 20 year anniversary,
00:26:56.21\00:26:58.51
and a very instrumental
00:26:58.55\00:27:00.22
and their advice
that they gave to us.
00:27:00.25\00:27:03.05
Yeah, very good. One more.
00:27:03.08\00:27:04.49
Well, I was just gonna say,
00:27:04.52\00:27:05.85
you know, for that
person out there who's watching,
00:27:05.89\00:27:07.26
who have may be
talk about expectation,
00:27:07.29\00:27:08.99
didn't talk about expectations,
but I'm married now,
00:27:09.02\00:27:10.96
and they are not living
up to those expectations.
00:27:10.99\00:27:13.50
May be thinks
something is wrong with them
00:27:13.53\00:27:14.86
that they shouldn't.
00:27:14.90\00:27:16.23
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:16.26\00:27:17.60
Things aren't
always go how you plan.
00:27:17.63\00:27:19.03
The point of
marriage is to develop you,
00:27:19.07\00:27:20.87
God gives it you to
progress you, so do be patience.
00:27:20.90\00:27:23.81
All right, well, that's about
the time we have for today.
00:27:23.84\00:27:26.84
Hopefully, you've learned a
lot and you are encourage now
00:27:26.88\00:27:29.94
to begin to have that discussion
00:27:29.98\00:27:31.65
with your potential spouse
00:27:31.68\00:27:33.75
about what is comfortable
for you in the bedroom.
00:27:33.78\00:27:36.69
Please seek counseling,
00:27:36.72\00:27:38.75
you know, get a good
premarital counseling,
00:27:38.79\00:27:40.66
talk to your pastor, wife,
00:27:40.69\00:27:42.29
you know, have this conversation
00:27:42.32\00:27:43.66
with married
couples even after this airs
00:27:43.69\00:27:46.49
on this important
thing to for us to do.
00:27:46.53\00:27:48.76
Well, so happy that
you decide to join us
00:27:48.80\00:27:51.27
and happy that my
co-host Britney is here with me.
00:27:51.30\00:27:54.20
But nothing else, remember,
to always make pure choices.
00:27:54.24\00:27:57.24
God bless.
00:27:57.27\00:27:58.61