The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello and
welcome to Pure Choices.
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I'm your host
Pastor Joshua Nelson.
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So glad you decided
to join us once again.
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Today our title is:
Be Careful Little Eyes,
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we're going to talk
about guarding your eyes
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from all the
things that we can see,
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the sexual things
we see in this world.
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So let's stop before we
go into this exciting topic
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and pause for prayer.
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Heavenly Father God,
we ask that your presence
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would be with us now
as we discuss this topic.
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In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
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All right, let's go
ahead and introduce our panel.
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To my left, our
friend Pastor KP Douglas
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and his wife here on
the couch, Kimberly Douglas.
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Sorry, I had to
separate you guys.
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Once again, we have
Brittany Hill-Morales
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and her husband Xavier Morales.
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So glad that you all
have joined us as well.
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And, of course, I'm missing
my other half, Kimberly Nelson,
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but I'm so glad that
you are at least here
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to discuss these topics
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and this one is
a good one today.
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We're talking
about guarding your eyes.
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There's a lot of things
out there that especially
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when we talk before about
the sexually excited society
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we live in today,
how are we able to
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really protect or guard our eyes
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from the things we see and
encounter every single day.
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It would be
unrealistic I think to expect
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any Christian to not see
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some sexually stimulating things
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in their lifetime, so what
can we do to protect ourselves
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from the things
we see every day.
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So let's go ahead and
start talking about that.
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Let's first ask,
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"Is it realistic
to guard your eyes?"
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You should get some really
good sunglasses, you know.
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I don't know if it is
realistic to say guard your eyes
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unless you live in isolation.
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You know, we could
all become monks may be
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and live in a monastery,
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but other than
that, I don't know.
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It's kind of a
tough thing to do.
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I mean, when I think about
my daily routine, my habits,
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what I do on a daily
basis, I would technically have
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to stop doing just
about everything, you know,
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I couldn't watch television,
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I can't do
anything really, you know.
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And the
unfortunate thing is that
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even as a
pastor going to church,
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sometimes I got to
guard my eyes there as well,
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so, you know,
when I think about,
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you know, my day to day,
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what can I do to guard my eyes
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except for maybe pluck
them out, I don't know.
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Right. That's...
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I mean, we have to...
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But I mean, let's talk
about the reality of it.
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I mean, everywhere you
go, you get up in the morning,
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you turn on the
TV, you're going to see
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something on a
commercial, you're going to see
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something in a
show that you watch
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in the evening
time, you go to work,
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somebody at your job is going
to be dressed in a certain way.
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Anywhere you go,
you're going to see something,
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someone is going to
say something to you,
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then you're saying,
well, at least I should be
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able to be
alleviated from all this
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overly sexualized society
I live in if I go to church.
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But you come to
church and you still see
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a bunch of stuff
there, you know, so what...
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I mean, is it realistic?
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I think that it
is unrealistic to say
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that you're just
going to guard your eyes
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from everything,
but there are shows
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that we choose to
watch, there are activities
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or places where
we choose to go and,
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you know, those things
that we have control over,
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you know, we can
exercise that control
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and be a little
more prudent, I guess,
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in the things
that we choose to do.
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Okay.
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Another thing I
would also add that
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you can't guard your
eyes but with the things
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that you do see, don't indulge.
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It's not what you see.
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It's what you do
with what you see.
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You could take
it a step further,
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like I could see
somebody walking by,
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but I don't have to
have the extra thoughts of,
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"Um, Look at that, wonder
what I could do with this."
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That's taking it a step further.
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So it's not just
guarding your eyes,
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it's what you're
gonna do with what you see
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and knowing what to look
at and what not to look at.
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So is temptation a sin? No.
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It's what you do
with the temptation.
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Temptation is not a sin.
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It is giving in to
temptation, you know,
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is where you come short.
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I always say this when
people get into arguments,
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people get upset.
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I'm like getting
upset is not the problem
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'cause you can't
really help how you feel.
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You know, if you see
somebody and they're beautiful,
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the natural
reaction is to react,
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you know what I'm saying.
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I mean, even if it's a thought.
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It's not like you
planned to think "Wow,"
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or planned to think,
you know, "She is bad,"
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or whatever, you know,
you think when you see them,
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but it's what
you do with feelings.
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Getting mad is not the problem.
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It's taking your anger
out on someone, you know.
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And so, you know, we
can't help what happens
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but we can definitely like,
like she's saying, you know,
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we can control, we can
try to control what we do
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with what happens.
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But if you start
to feel a certain way,
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let's say you're
married, so, you know,
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you see somebody who looks good
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and you acknowledge,
wow, this is a handsome
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or it's a beautiful
woman, you see them,
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should you make that
known to your spouse?
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Well, mine makes that
known to me sometimes.
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So, you know, I don't know.
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Sometimes I wish
it wasn't made known,
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but I don't
think that's a problem.
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I think there's some safety
in that as well, you know.
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I know there's sometimes
even when Kim may see my head,
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it looks it's on a swivel.
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I kind of just pay
attention to everything
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that goes on around me.
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So sometimes, I may
turn it and it may be a guy,
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it may be a girl,
and unfortunately,
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sometimes she looks up
when it's somebody that's,
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you know, scantily clad.
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But I think there is safety
if you're able to, you know,
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talk to your spouse or
that loved one and say,
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you know, that person
is kind of attractive,
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I think we do that
every now and then, you know.
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Okay.
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I think something too
that we often overlook
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is that sometimes the sight,
what you see is not external.
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It could be an internal factor.
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There's certain music out there
that can project, you know,
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help you indulge in
images and things like that
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in your own
mindset that, you know,
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you may not have
anything in front of you
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but that music
itself can, you know,
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contribute to building
these images in your head
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that are not
very pure, even books,
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like you go to a store,
there's these romance novels
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and, you know,
things of that nature too.
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So it's both, I think,
internal and external factors
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that are involved.
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Yeah, you can create a
different type of mentality
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for yourself or
create habits for yourself
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just by what you
listen to and what you watch
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because now you're thinking
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that those things should be
acted out in the real world,
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you know, I should be
able to see that kind of girl,
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you know, in real life.
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And I should be able
to do what I want to do
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just like the song
told me to do, you know.
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And so that can cause
you to have, you know,
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a different idea of how
things should really be.
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So that's a good point.
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Anyone else wants to add
to the conversation with that?
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Let's talk a little
more about the problem here.
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Let's talk a little more
about what's really out there
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because I heard the
ladies saying some stuff.
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I was surprised.
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So, ladies, you
guys have to struggle
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with what you look at as well.
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I mean, it's...
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Well, we're
human as well. Exactly.
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I mean, men are more visual.
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My wife does not
look at any other man.
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Men are more visual.
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Well, they tend to be
more visual, you know,
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than females are,
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but that doesn't
mean we don't see.
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You know, you see
someone that's handsome,
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you acknowledge that, you
know, as we said before and,
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you know, you're not going to go
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and start thinking
all manner of thoughts
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because, you
know, thoughts can lead
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to other things,
but we do acknowledge.
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I think it's unrealistic
to say that women don't...
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I think women may be
better at hiding the fact
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that they see what they see.
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I think men are
just obvious. Yeah.
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I think that's it that
we're able to hide it better
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because we're supposed to.
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It's assumed that women
are not as sexual as men.
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They don't look as much
as men, which is not true.
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We just have
different preferences.
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A woman would see probably
a guy that's nicely dressed
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in a very good
classic handsome suit
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and he has his hair nicely done
and the face is cleanly shaved.
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And that's what's
more attractive versus...
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No, and I'm like...
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And that's more
attractive to some women.
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Other women, they like
the raggedy look where,
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you know, it's a
little bit rough and tough
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and their minds wander,
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I would say, just as
much as men's minds wander,
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where they're
thinking about, okay,
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what can happen, what can I do.
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I remember one story,
a pastor was preaching
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and he said that
when he was younger
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and he was running and jumping,
one of the young ladies,
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they didn't know that
his mom was right behind them
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and they were like,
"Look at how he's jumping.
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Um, that will be
really good, you know."
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Oh, man.
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Women look just
as much as men do.
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Wow. I think I agree with that.
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I think going with
what she said too, you know,
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usually when women are
overly sexual, you know,
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it kind of
brings a bad connotation
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whereas with men, you
know, it's almost expected of us
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to swoon after
every woman who walks by.
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As a matter of fact,
if you're not looking,
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you know, people are thinking
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something must be
wrong with him, you know.
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So I think there's
also that cultural norm
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where it's almost expected of us
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to have our head on a swivel,
you know, for us to really,
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you know, see and appreciate
all of God's great creation.
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And honestly, for us, you know,
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especially in the
non-urban context,
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it is tough to...
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It's been told to us
that we're supposed to look,
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and this is what
you're supposed to do.
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And it is everywhere.
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I mean, I think, I'm
gonna be honest with you.
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I think the girls, they
do it on purpose sometimes.
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I'm just being honest
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because I feel
like they're just,
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you know, you go to the gym
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and they're doing
a little too much,
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like what is
really going on right now?
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Help a Christian
brother out, you know.
00:10:11.27\00:10:13.48
I mean, the reality, it
is really tough, you know.
00:10:13.51\00:10:17.45
It's tough to be in a world
where it is told to the women
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you have to be
overly sexual to get a man
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and it's tough for the
men who are saying, you know,
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you're supposed to like
the overly sexual women.
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So, you know, you're
living in this type of society.
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And so as Christians, you know,
what are we supposed to do,
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especially, and
going back to this,
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how we see it in the church.
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Let's talk a little about that.
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What kind of things
do we see in the church?
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I know, it has always been said
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especially in
the Adventist context
00:10:44.71\00:10:47.01
that there are certain
things you're supposed to wear,
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you're not supposed to wear.
00:10:49.28\00:10:51.51
But I kind of see like
that's kind of changing.
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What do you all think?
It's definitely changing.
00:10:53.82\00:10:58.15
I think it's a
difficult situation.
00:10:58.19\00:11:00.56
I know for myself
personally, you know,
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I've kind of since
maybe middle school
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liked my clothes were
more fitted, you know,
00:11:05.43\00:11:07.36
nowadays everybody's
just wearing everything tight.
00:11:07.40\00:11:10.47
But when I go to
the store to shop,
00:11:10.50\00:11:11.93
the truth is unless
I'm making my own jeans,
00:11:11.97\00:11:14.70
it's actually very
difficult to find things
00:11:14.74\00:11:16.77
that are "fashionable"
00:11:16.81\00:11:19.31
not necessarily
to impress people
00:11:19.34\00:11:20.68
but things like that you
actually like that fit well
00:11:20.71\00:11:23.31
or are modest, you know,
I'm still trying to figure out
00:11:23.35\00:11:26.15
how they make
low-cut jeans for men.
00:11:26.18\00:11:27.82
I don't know why I would
want my jeans to be low cut,
00:11:27.85\00:11:30.32
you know, but that's just
the reality of the society
00:11:30.35\00:11:33.92
we live in is
that there are people
00:11:33.96\00:11:35.69
who have the resources
00:11:35.72\00:11:37.09
and they kind of
dictate what people wear.
00:11:37.13\00:11:40.03
You know, I also, another hand,
00:11:40.06\00:11:41.46
and let's not make
an excuse for anyone,
00:11:41.50\00:11:42.83
but on another
hand, I know as a pastor,
00:11:42.86\00:11:44.77
I also have members
who may be can't afford
00:11:44.80\00:11:47.04
to dress modestly, you know.
00:11:47.07\00:11:49.37
That's not everywhere.
00:11:49.40\00:11:50.74
We're talking about
major Adventism, you know,
00:11:50.77\00:11:53.07
people know
better and can do better.
00:11:53.11\00:11:54.68
I know where I'm at, you know,
00:11:54.71\00:11:56.04
sometimes I've gotten
into trouble with older members
00:11:56.08\00:11:58.75
because younger members
came in looking, you know...
00:11:58.78\00:12:01.58
And the truth was
00:12:01.62\00:12:03.18
they don't really
have clothes at all,
00:12:03.22\00:12:04.92
you know, to even begin to think
00:12:04.95\00:12:06.32
about dressing modestly.
00:12:06.35\00:12:07.69
And so I think the problem
is, you know, word of mouth.
00:12:07.72\00:12:09.42
Yeah, I mean, I'll
be honest with you,
00:12:09.46\00:12:11.26
and I'll ask y'all to
talk in a second I guess,
00:12:11.29\00:12:12.79
it's just because of the culture
00:12:12.83\00:12:15.50
and the fashion nowadays,
00:12:15.53\00:12:18.63
it seems like
especially at church
00:12:18.67\00:12:20.57
those who are upfront,
it is hard to find, I guess,
00:12:20.60\00:12:24.77
clothing maybe, I don't
know what the problem is to wear
00:12:24.81\00:12:27.81
that is not so
revealing or so tight
00:12:27.84\00:12:30.88
and it just seems
like it's a problem.
00:12:30.91\00:12:33.82
As pastors, we're up
there and we see these people
00:12:33.85\00:12:36.12
in front of us, we're like,
00:12:36.15\00:12:37.49
"What are you guys
wearing, you know?"
00:12:37.52\00:12:38.85
Just being real, you know.
00:12:38.89\00:12:40.62
But they might say...
00:12:40.66\00:12:41.99
I don't know what, you
girls can respond to this.
00:12:42.02\00:12:43.36
They may say, well,
that's all we can find to wear
00:12:43.39\00:12:44.89
or that's what is in right now.
00:12:44.93\00:12:49.36
Yes.
00:12:49.40\00:12:50.73
That might be the
problem for some people.
00:12:50.77\00:12:52.60
But it could also be, you
know, that you just don't know
00:12:52.63\00:12:55.50
how to dress for your body type.
00:12:55.54\00:12:56.91
Okay, I see.
00:12:56.94\00:12:58.54
It could be that,
you know, you're fed into
00:12:58.57\00:13:01.51
this over sexualized
story that's been sold,
00:13:01.54\00:13:06.31
and so you feel like in order
to get attention, you know,
00:13:06.35\00:13:09.95
you can do that shirt, so
in order to get attention,
00:13:09.98\00:13:12.85
you wear that extra tight
or that extra short outfit.
00:13:12.89\00:13:17.43
I don't...
00:13:17.46\00:13:19.39
I can't agree with everyone
can't find clothes to wear,
00:13:19.43\00:13:23.13
I mean, 'cause I know for
me, I'm on the smaller side
00:13:23.16\00:13:26.33
and finding clothes is...
00:13:26.37\00:13:27.87
It can be a bit of a
challenge, but there are places
00:13:27.90\00:13:32.14
where you can
find, you know, items.
00:13:32.17\00:13:34.98
And I think that
part of the reason
00:13:35.01\00:13:36.91
is that our definition
of modesty has also shifted.
00:13:36.95\00:13:40.92
You have those
who think modest means
00:13:40.95\00:13:43.02
that you have to
come with, you know,
00:13:43.05\00:13:45.95
no skin showing at all.
00:13:45.99\00:13:48.12
Your skirt ought to
be sweeping the floor.
00:13:48.16\00:13:51.09
No, I'm being serious. Right.
00:13:51.13\00:13:52.66
Your skirt ought to
sweep the floor, yeah,
00:13:52.69\00:13:55.70
maybe your hands can
show, and that's impractical.
00:13:55.73\00:14:01.67
And it's unrealistic.
00:14:01.70\00:14:03.04
You have some who
think modest means,
00:14:03.07\00:14:05.44
you know I'm going
to come and Jesus says,
00:14:05.47\00:14:07.88
"Come as you
are," and I've heard
00:14:07.91\00:14:10.45
that verse taken out of
context in so many situations.
00:14:10.48\00:14:14.78
It's not just come
how you feel like coming.
00:14:14.82\00:14:19.05
Yeah, you present you best,
but you're not looking to...
00:14:19.09\00:14:22.76
I'm not looking
to impress Brittany
00:14:22.79\00:14:24.89
when I come, you know.
I'm not looking to say,
00:14:24.93\00:14:28.10
"Okay, well, I
bought this hat this week
00:14:28.13\00:14:30.77
and so I'm
going to wear this hat
00:14:30.80\00:14:32.30
so everybody can see
that my hat matches my suit
00:14:32.33\00:14:34.50
and my suit matches my shirt."
00:14:34.54\00:14:35.90
That's not the purpose.
00:14:35.94\00:14:37.74
Modesty means, you know,
00:14:37.77\00:14:39.61
I'm not the one on
the forefront here.
00:14:39.64\00:14:41.91
It doesn't mean you don't
come and you're not put together
00:14:41.94\00:14:44.61
and you look
decent or, you know,
00:14:44.65\00:14:46.75
you're on that
opposite end where you just,
00:14:46.78\00:14:49.58
everything is all black
00:14:49.62\00:14:50.95
and you're just
taking it to the extreme.
00:14:50.99\00:14:54.26
To me it's balance.
00:14:54.29\00:14:55.76
Yeah. And I agree.
00:14:55.79\00:14:57.26
It should be balanced, you know.
00:14:57.29\00:14:59.66
And I think the
reality also is that
00:14:59.69\00:15:01.23
even though it should
be, most of the people
00:15:01.26\00:15:03.50
are not going to be considerate,
00:15:03.53\00:15:04.87
they're still going to
wear what they to wear,
00:15:04.90\00:15:06.23
especially now, you know,
the mindset we have, so...
00:15:06.27\00:15:09.84
And I appreciate you
saying that and I think
00:15:09.87\00:15:11.54
that we all need to be mindful
of what we are allowing people
00:15:11.57\00:15:15.41
to see from us so we can be,
00:15:15.44\00:15:17.01
you know, modest and
whatnot in our apparel.
00:15:17.05\00:15:20.45
But let's try and
just do some solutions
00:15:20.48\00:15:21.98
and some tips for those of us
00:15:22.02\00:15:24.42
who are truly human
beings, we just see things,
00:15:24.45\00:15:28.69
you know, what
can we do to protect
00:15:28.72\00:15:31.63
or guard our eyes?
00:15:31.66\00:15:32.99
Let's say we are
at the supermarket,
00:15:33.03\00:15:35.03
you know, a young
lady, young male walks by
00:15:35.06\00:15:37.67
and we're
tempted to look and gaze
00:15:37.70\00:15:41.14
and maybe even
say something to them,
00:15:41.17\00:15:43.54
what can be said
00:15:43.57\00:15:45.24
at that moment
for us to not do that.
00:15:45.27\00:15:48.44
But then there's a difference
00:15:48.48\00:15:49.81
between
acknowledging and dwelling.
00:15:49.84\00:15:52.75
You know, we're
all gonna acknowledge
00:15:52.78\00:15:54.12
that something is beautiful
00:15:54.15\00:15:55.48
or something looks
good, but dwelling on it,
00:15:55.52\00:15:57.42
keeping your eyes on it,
00:15:57.45\00:15:58.79
you know, like
you're undressing the female
00:15:58.82\00:16:01.92
or the female
undressing the male,
00:16:01.96\00:16:03.43
whatever it may be, you know,
00:16:03.46\00:16:05.29
your eye is dwelling
on that for too long.
00:16:05.33\00:16:07.40
I think that comes into
play where you have the ability
00:16:07.43\00:16:10.73
because we often
blame the opposite sex.
00:16:10.77\00:16:13.70
You know, we place the
blame for our own inequities
00:16:13.74\00:16:15.67
on the opposite sex
00:16:15.70\00:16:17.04
when in reality,
you know, it is hard
00:16:17.07\00:16:19.01
but it's not impossible
and I think shifting your eyes,
00:16:19.04\00:16:21.84
you know, perhaps
taking a couple blinks
00:16:21.88\00:16:23.95
or shifting your eyes elsewhere,
00:16:23.98\00:16:25.81
you know,
acknowledging the fact that,
00:16:25.85\00:16:27.18
"Yeah, that's beautiful,
00:16:27.22\00:16:28.55
but I'm looking over here
now," just basically doing that,
00:16:28.58\00:16:32.79
having a little
bit more self-control
00:16:32.82\00:16:34.32
or self-awareness.
00:16:34.36\00:16:35.69
And that's what they call
balancing your eyes, right,
00:16:35.72\00:16:37.73
in one of the
books we read about,
00:16:37.76\00:16:39.29
you know, you see
something, you realize it there,
00:16:39.33\00:16:41.70
but you blink and you look away.
00:16:41.73\00:16:43.53
You know, you're
not dwelling on it,
00:16:43.57\00:16:44.97
just like you said, and
that's a powerful point.
00:16:45.00\00:16:47.37
Somebody else
want to add to that?
00:16:47.40\00:16:49.80
Well, you know, the Bible says,
00:16:49.84\00:16:51.17
"By beholding
we become changed."
00:16:51.21\00:16:52.54
Right.
00:16:52.57\00:16:53.91
And, you know, the more and more
00:16:53.94\00:16:55.28
we behold these things,
00:16:55.31\00:16:56.64
unfortunately, the
more and more sexual
00:16:56.68\00:16:58.01
we will become and more and more
00:16:58.05\00:16:59.38
we will have
certain expectations.
00:16:59.41\00:17:01.38
And so I do think
that at some point
00:17:01.42\00:17:03.49
you have to control
what you can control.
00:17:03.52\00:17:05.42
You can't control everybody,
can't control everything,
00:17:05.45\00:17:07.86
you can't control
what's put on television,
00:17:07.89\00:17:09.56
but you can
control the channel you,
00:17:09.59\00:17:11.09
you know, watch,
00:17:11.13\00:17:12.46
and so I think we can do
00:17:12.49\00:17:14.00
what we can to
block those things,
00:17:14.03\00:17:16.46
you know, guard the
avenues of our mind if you will,
00:17:16.50\00:17:19.27
not allow
certain things to get in.
00:17:19.30\00:17:21.70
But at the end of
the day I think that...
00:17:21.74\00:17:23.74
And somebody
mentioned this earlier,
00:17:23.77\00:17:25.64
self-control, which...
00:17:25.67\00:17:27.74
And I'm not just saying,
00:17:27.78\00:17:29.11
you know, will
yourself to do it.
00:17:29.14\00:17:30.98
I know, for me, I
do this, look away.
00:17:31.01\00:17:34.35
And I don't plan to look,
00:17:34.38\00:17:35.72
but if my head
turns, I look away.
00:17:35.75\00:17:37.45
But my mind may still
dwell on what I have just seen
00:17:37.49\00:17:39.99
even if it was
for a split second.
00:17:40.02\00:17:41.69
And so, you know, I
recognize the Bible says
00:17:41.72\00:17:44.09
self-control is
the food of the spirit.
00:17:44.13\00:17:46.06
And so I do think
00:17:46.09\00:17:47.43
it has to be something you
give over to God in prayer,
00:17:47.46\00:17:49.56
Lord, I am going to see
00:17:49.60\00:17:50.93
but help me not to
have these desires,
00:17:50.97\00:17:53.44
you know, help me not
to internalize too much
00:17:53.47\00:17:55.54
what I see, you
know, or some way, God,
00:17:55.57\00:17:58.61
work it out that
if I see someone,
00:17:58.64\00:17:59.97
it only reminds me
00:18:00.01\00:18:01.34
what you've
given me and my wife,
00:18:01.38\00:18:02.71
something, you know, anything.
00:18:02.74\00:18:04.08
But I think it's
something you have
00:18:04.11\00:18:05.45
to give over to God as well.
00:18:05.48\00:18:06.82
Yeah, and I mean,
I think that's good
00:18:06.85\00:18:08.18
because once you are...
00:18:08.22\00:18:09.55
And if you are bathed in
the Spirit and your focus,
00:18:09.58\00:18:10.92
your root has been in Jesus,
00:18:10.95\00:18:12.29
then you're going to
think those couple of ways.
00:18:12.32\00:18:13.72
But if it's been rooted in,
00:18:13.76\00:18:15.09
you know, the
music you're listening to
00:18:15.12\00:18:16.46
or the TV shows or just
being overly sexualized,
00:18:16.49\00:18:19.33
you know, the
pornographic images
00:18:19.36\00:18:20.86
you've been seeing,
00:18:20.90\00:18:22.23
then your mind is going
to go quicker to that place,
00:18:22.26\00:18:25.33
you know, than if you
had been rooted in Christ.
00:18:25.37\00:18:27.94
Another thing I would
say is when you're looking,
00:18:27.97\00:18:30.91
ask yourself,
"Why am I looking,"
00:18:30.94\00:18:32.51
you know, "Am I
looking because I just am,
00:18:32.54\00:18:35.28
you know,
acknowledging that this person
00:18:35.31\00:18:37.41
is beautiful and I admire this
00:18:37.45\00:18:39.01
or am I looking because of lust,
00:18:39.05\00:18:40.65
because I want to
do something further
00:18:40.68\00:18:42.22
with this individual?"
00:18:42.25\00:18:43.59
If you're single,
you know, am I looking
00:18:43.62\00:18:44.95
because I want to
see if this person
00:18:44.99\00:18:46.32
is a beautiful
person that I may want to,
00:18:46.35\00:18:47.69
you know, talk
with, that's fine,
00:18:47.72\00:18:49.06
you know, or am I
looking because I want to try
00:18:49.09\00:18:50.89
and get in bed with that person.
00:18:50.93\00:18:52.79
I'm married, I'm
looking because, okay,
00:18:52.83\00:18:55.06
I recognize this is
a beautiful individual,
00:18:55.10\00:18:57.33
am I looking
because I want to try
00:18:57.37\00:18:59.17
to go further
with this individual.
00:18:59.20\00:19:00.60
Ultimately, if you're
in a happy relationship,
00:19:00.64\00:19:02.04
you know, you're not
going to take it there anyway,
00:19:02.07\00:19:03.41
so why even keep looking?
00:19:03.44\00:19:04.87
You know, what are
you looking to see?
00:19:04.91\00:19:06.68
Because you
already know you're married
00:19:06.71\00:19:08.64
and that's what it is, you know.
00:19:08.68\00:19:10.18
And I think that a lot of times,
00:19:10.21\00:19:11.55
from myself, looking,
00:19:11.58\00:19:13.18
longer lingering has
caused more detriment to me
00:19:13.21\00:19:16.55
because now
it's more frustrating
00:19:16.58\00:19:18.62
because now I'm
thinking to myself, man,
00:19:18.65\00:19:20.36
you know, all these thoughts
that went through my head
00:19:20.39\00:19:21.89
and I have to stop and say,
00:19:21.92\00:19:23.26
why am I even
going there, you know.
00:19:23.29\00:19:24.63
And so if you
stop it immediately,
00:19:24.66\00:19:28.10
make that a habit in your life,
00:19:28.13\00:19:29.93
it won't cause
further damage to yourself,
00:19:29.96\00:19:32.70
you know, in the long run.
00:19:32.73\00:19:34.10
If I can...
00:19:34.14\00:19:35.47
Or I don't know if
anybody wants to throw some...
00:19:35.50\00:19:37.31
Go ahead.
00:19:37.34\00:19:38.67
Thank you, girls.
00:19:38.71\00:19:40.04
Okay, I was going to add
that what you're saying is true.
00:19:40.08\00:19:42.38
Sometimes people need to
be honest with themselves.
00:19:42.41\00:19:44.95
They go to these TV shows
or they go to their computers
00:19:44.98\00:19:49.32
and they're not really
being honest with the fact that
00:19:49.35\00:19:52.25
they're going
for something more.
00:19:52.29\00:19:53.66
I heard this
terminology of, we always say,
00:19:53.69\00:19:55.92
the grass is
greener on the other side.
00:19:55.96\00:19:57.99
I heard a flip to it where it's,
00:19:58.03\00:20:00.93
"You're going to another yard,"
00:20:00.96\00:20:02.66
like things are
so messy in your yard
00:20:02.70\00:20:05.43
that you may not want to deal
00:20:05.47\00:20:06.84
with whatever hurt is going on,
00:20:06.87\00:20:08.70
whatever feelings,
whether it's angry, sad,
00:20:08.74\00:20:11.74
or uncontrollable
happiness for no reason.
00:20:11.77\00:20:14.54
There are so
many different things
00:20:14.58\00:20:15.91
going on in your own yard
00:20:15.94\00:20:17.35
that you want to
go to another yard.
00:20:17.38\00:20:18.91
So you go to TV so you
can go into this fantasy world
00:20:18.95\00:20:22.45
watching their happiness.
00:20:22.48\00:20:23.82
Okay, they're so happy,
00:20:23.85\00:20:25.25
they're in love,
they're doing this,
00:20:25.29\00:20:26.69
they're doing that,
00:20:26.72\00:20:28.06
and that's how
you're perverting your eyes.
00:20:28.09\00:20:30.83
Are you going to your TV?
00:20:30.86\00:20:32.19
You're all going
to this other yard
00:20:32.23\00:20:33.80
instead of
staying in your own yard
00:20:33.83\00:20:35.56
trying to figure
out and make that
00:20:35.60\00:20:36.93
a pleasant place
that you want to stay in.
00:20:36.97\00:20:39.23
And that's part of it.
00:20:39.27\00:20:40.87
All right, so...
00:20:40.90\00:20:42.70
You want to add something?
00:20:42.74\00:20:44.07
Just really quickly, you know,
00:20:44.11\00:20:46.37
the educator in me is
saying in our churches,
00:20:46.41\00:20:48.84
in terms of a
solution, in our churches,
00:20:48.88\00:20:51.01
we all have young people,
00:20:51.05\00:20:52.78
and it doesn't take much
to pull a young person aside
00:20:52.81\00:20:57.15
and if you know better
to share what you know.
00:20:57.19\00:21:01.92
In terms of, you know, me,
00:21:01.96\00:21:03.96
necessarily
taking a young woman,
00:21:03.99\00:21:06.09
you know, when you
go up on the rostrum
00:21:06.13\00:21:08.33
and you're
sitting, legs are crossed,
00:21:08.36\00:21:11.77
you know, just little things
so that you're training them
00:21:11.80\00:21:15.84
to do better as
well, and that helps you.
00:21:15.87\00:21:18.17
That's good, you know,
00:21:18.21\00:21:19.54
and I'm going to
get Kory in a second,
00:21:19.57\00:21:20.91
but, you know,
further with that training,
00:21:20.94\00:21:23.04
you have to know
how to balance rather,
00:21:23.08\00:21:25.78
how not to look at
that because, you know,
00:21:25.81\00:21:27.58
a lot of the older
men like in our churches
00:21:27.62\00:21:30.65
or even older women,
00:21:30.69\00:21:32.02
they have dealt
with these things
00:21:32.05\00:21:33.39
or still are dealing with
them and, you know, we act like,
00:21:33.42\00:21:34.96
"Because they're older,
they are done with this,"
00:21:34.99\00:21:37.36
But no, they're
still struggling maybe
00:21:37.39\00:21:38.83
or they still have
some tips they can give us,
00:21:38.86\00:21:40.66
teach us how to get over it.
00:21:40.70\00:21:42.36
I think we have to
have that conversation
00:21:42.40\00:21:43.73
a lot more in our churches,
00:21:43.77\00:21:45.10
you know,
especially in the men's group
00:21:45.13\00:21:46.47
or women's groups, you
know, the reality of life,
00:21:46.50\00:21:48.90
you know, just
because you're above age
00:21:48.94\00:21:50.81
or whatever doesn't mean
00:21:50.84\00:21:52.17
you've attained
some extra holiness
00:21:52.21\00:21:53.54
of your eyes,
00:21:53.58\00:21:54.91
you still have the same eyes
you had when you were young,
00:21:54.94\00:21:56.48
you know.
00:21:56.51\00:21:58.05
I think the answer
also depends on whether
00:21:58.08\00:22:00.88
or not you're single, married,
00:22:00.92\00:22:02.88
you know, I've already
said, you need to pray.
00:22:02.92\00:22:04.85
If you're a single person,
00:22:04.89\00:22:06.22
you just need to pray, you know.
00:22:06.25\00:22:07.59
Jesus says, you know,
if you think in your heart,
00:22:07.62\00:22:09.29
you know, so you are,
00:22:09.32\00:22:10.66
so you don't
want it to be lusting.
00:22:10.69\00:22:12.09
But for a married person I think
00:22:12.13\00:22:13.46
that something
practical you can do,
00:22:13.50\00:22:15.26
we keep on
mentioning training your eyes.
00:22:15.30\00:22:17.73
And I know
something that works for me
00:22:17.77\00:22:19.73
and my wife
doesn't know this yet,
00:22:19.77\00:22:21.10
but what works for me
00:22:21.14\00:22:22.47
is I've really trained my
eyes to look at her, you know.
00:22:22.50\00:22:26.31
And so when I see her,
00:22:26.34\00:22:28.08
I make sure I
intentionally notice her.
00:22:28.11\00:22:30.55
You know, when you first get
into a relation with somebody,
00:22:30.58\00:22:32.15
you're like, "Oh,
they look so good,"
00:22:32.18\00:22:33.72
this, that, and that,
00:22:33.75\00:22:35.08
but you kind of
move away from that
00:22:35.12\00:22:36.45
as that relation grows,
even after you get married,
00:22:36.48\00:22:38.59
it becomes more about
00:22:38.62\00:22:39.95
how are we going to
balance our finances,
00:22:39.99\00:22:41.32
you know, how are we
going to make this thing work.
00:22:41.36\00:22:43.22
We've kind of move
past a physical thing
00:22:43.26\00:22:46.43
except for sex, of course,
00:22:46.46\00:22:48.30
but what I do is
00:22:48.33\00:22:49.66
I try to notice
my wife all the time.
00:22:49.70\00:22:51.20
You know, I try to
look at her the same way,
00:22:51.23\00:22:53.03
when she walks by, I
follow her the same way,
00:22:53.07\00:22:55.70
you know, I would
have followed somebody else
00:22:55.74\00:22:57.74
if I see them
in the supermarket,
00:22:57.77\00:22:59.21
you know, and I allow
myself to think the thoughts
00:22:59.24\00:23:00.88
that I know are okay
00:23:00.91\00:23:02.24
because I'm
thinking about my wife
00:23:02.28\00:23:03.61
and so, you know,
00:23:03.65\00:23:04.98
I train myself to look
at what I should look at,
00:23:05.01\00:23:07.48
you know, what I'm saying,
instead of just fighting,
00:23:07.52\00:23:09.58
not looking at what
I shouldn't look at.
00:23:09.62\00:23:10.95
Yeah, I remember, an
old preacher said that...
00:23:10.99\00:23:13.19
Points.
00:23:13.22\00:23:16.42
Good job, good job. I
didn't think of that one.
00:23:16.46\00:23:20.23
But that's so true.
00:23:20.26\00:23:21.60
You know, the more
you look at something,
00:23:21.63\00:23:22.96
you know, and the
more you're gazing on
00:23:23.00\00:23:24.63
what you're supposed to gaze on,
00:23:24.67\00:23:26.57
the more it's
going to become lovely
00:23:26.60\00:23:28.20
and beautiful
and more attractive,
00:23:28.24\00:23:29.57
that what we're supposed to do.
00:23:29.60\00:23:30.94
That's good.
00:23:30.97\00:23:32.31
So I want to kind
of throw something else
00:23:32.34\00:23:33.68
into the mix here.
00:23:33.71\00:23:35.04
What if there's an individual
00:23:35.08\00:23:36.41
who is intentionally
trying to cause you to look,
00:23:36.44\00:23:38.45
intentionally
flaunting themselves
00:23:38.48\00:23:39.95
in front of you,
doing things on purpose,
00:23:39.98\00:23:41.58
they're going up
in front of church
00:23:41.62\00:23:43.02
and that pastor knows
his suit is too tight,
00:23:43.05\00:23:44.92
you know, and that
girl, that song leader,
00:23:44.95\00:23:46.79
she knows that she is
wearing that dress too short
00:23:46.82\00:23:49.52
and it's right in front of you,
00:23:49.56\00:23:50.93
what are you supposed to do
when someone is intentionally,
00:23:50.96\00:23:55.10
it seems to you, intentionally
putting themselves out there
00:23:55.13\00:23:58.33
and you're trying
to guard your eyes?
00:23:58.37\00:23:59.93
If you're a leader, I would say
that you have a responsibility
00:23:59.97\00:24:04.01
to say something
00:24:04.04\00:24:05.57
because not only
are you being affected,
00:24:05.61\00:24:09.68
but if we're talking
about it in a church setting,
00:24:09.71\00:24:12.25
chances are a
bunch of other people
00:24:12.28\00:24:14.12
are being affected as well.
00:24:14.15\00:24:16.18
And then you're
talking about people
00:24:16.22\00:24:17.65
on different spiritual levels
that can get really messy,
00:24:17.69\00:24:21.29
you know, very dangerous.
00:24:21.32\00:24:22.66
So I would say, as a leader,
you need to say something,
00:24:22.69\00:24:25.99
but in love
00:24:26.03\00:24:27.36
because there is a
way to do it tactfully
00:24:27.40\00:24:29.50
and there is a way to do
it so that the person feels,
00:24:29.53\00:24:32.73
you know, like
they don't even need
00:24:32.77\00:24:34.70
to be in that position anymore
and then they get offended,
00:24:34.74\00:24:37.74
so there is a way to deal
00:24:37.77\00:24:39.11
with even a situation like that.
00:24:39.14\00:24:40.58
So if you're in a congregation
or if you're just not a leader,
00:24:40.61\00:24:44.98
should you
address that individual?
00:24:45.01\00:24:47.52
Do you say something to them?
00:24:47.55\00:24:49.48
That's touchy. That's dicey.
00:24:49.52\00:24:50.85
That's touchy. I
think it depends.
00:24:50.89\00:24:52.22
If you have a relationship
like that with the person,
00:24:52.25\00:24:54.32
then maybe you
can say something.
00:24:54.36\00:24:55.72
But I do think,
especially in a church setting,
00:24:55.76\00:24:58.09
is you want to
lean on your leaders,
00:24:58.13\00:25:00.13
if you notice
something that's inappropriate,
00:25:00.16\00:25:01.93
you know, don't
just burden the pastor
00:25:01.96\00:25:03.93
just to give him
something else to do,
00:25:03.97\00:25:05.77
but go to them and say,
you know, I have this concern.
00:25:05.80\00:25:08.37
You know, I have
had people come to me
00:25:08.40\00:25:11.17
because, you know,
they felt a male member
00:25:11.21\00:25:13.84
was touching
them inappropriately,
00:25:13.88\00:25:15.68
hugging them
inappropriately, or, you know,
00:25:15.71\00:25:17.48
kiss them on the cheek,
00:25:17.51\00:25:18.85
getting too close to
their mouth or, you know.
00:25:18.88\00:25:20.52
I've had somebody complain
about women dressed scantily.
00:25:20.55\00:25:23.65
And when I check it out,
00:25:23.69\00:25:25.02
you know, I've
realized they just may be upset
00:25:25.05\00:25:26.59
'cause they're not
attention or something
00:25:26.62\00:25:28.32
but, you know, I
think that as a member,
00:25:28.36\00:25:29.79
you ought to go to your leader.
00:25:29.82\00:25:31.49
And as a leader, you
have that responsibility,
00:25:31.53\00:25:33.36
like she's
saying, to say something.
00:25:33.40\00:25:35.63
I respect pastors,
00:25:35.66\00:25:37.20
I don't know if
I can mention them,
00:25:37.23\00:25:38.57
but I know some
pastors if the praise team
00:25:38.60\00:25:40.47
is not dressed appropriately,
they'll put on a choir robe,
00:25:40.50\00:25:43.44
you know, and the praise
team will be so embarrassed
00:25:43.47\00:25:45.21
singing up there in
choir robe, they know better.
00:25:45.24\00:25:47.54
You know, that the
next time they come,
00:25:47.58\00:25:48.91
they ought to come
more modest and more decent.
00:25:48.94\00:25:50.95
Okay. What about Facebook?
00:25:50.98\00:25:53.88
Scrolling through your Facebook,
00:25:53.92\00:25:56.48
you know, page and you're seeing
00:25:56.52\00:25:58.42
all these posts, people,
00:25:58.45\00:25:59.79
and there's certain individuals
who continually post pictures
00:25:59.82\00:26:02.22
that are causing
you to some place else,
00:26:02.26\00:26:04.99
I mean, should you delete them
00:26:05.03\00:26:06.49
or should you tell them
you're gonna delete them first?
00:26:06.53\00:26:07.86
You know how people
get when you delete them
00:26:07.90\00:26:09.23
from your Facebook page.
00:26:09.26\00:26:11.97
Go ahead.
00:26:12.00\00:26:13.34
I think that's actually...
I've had that happen.
00:26:13.37\00:26:17.37
Somebody had to delete you? No.
00:26:17.41\00:26:20.24
The beautiful
thing about Facebook
00:26:20.28\00:26:21.61
is you have options to
remove that person from seeing,
00:26:21.64\00:26:24.88
not removing them
from your friends list,
00:26:24.91\00:26:26.25
but you no longer
have them on your newsfeed.
00:26:26.28\00:26:27.85
Okay.
00:26:27.88\00:26:29.22
You know, there's
other options you can...
00:26:29.25\00:26:30.62
You can, you know,
private message saying,
00:26:30.65\00:26:32.35
excuse me or if you have
them on your Facebook page,
00:26:32.39\00:26:35.86
you know, I
mean, I make it a point
00:26:35.89\00:26:37.29
not to add anybody that
00:26:37.33\00:26:39.09
I don't know just
for the sake of ministry.
00:26:39.13\00:26:42.13
I'm gonna add you
'cause I know you.
00:26:42.16\00:26:43.50
Right.
00:26:43.53\00:26:44.87
But yeah, there's
options, like I said,
00:26:44.90\00:26:46.23
you can unfollow them.
00:26:46.27\00:26:47.60
That's what one
of the options is,
00:26:47.64\00:26:48.97
unfollow them or you no longer
want to see their postings
00:26:49.00\00:26:51.14
on your newsfeed,
00:26:51.17\00:26:52.51
you know, you still
have them have on your list,
00:26:52.54\00:26:53.88
they can still see your posts
00:26:53.91\00:26:55.24
but you no longer see
them on your newsfeed,
00:26:55.28\00:26:57.28
so that's an option as well.
00:26:57.31\00:26:58.65
Okay. That's good.
00:26:58.68\00:27:00.02
That's good to know
00:27:00.05\00:27:01.38
because Facebook
is such a mystery
00:27:01.42\00:27:02.75
and so many things.
00:27:02.78\00:27:04.12
It really is.
00:27:04.15\00:27:05.49
Okay, someone
wants to add to that?
00:27:05.52\00:27:06.86
That's pretty good.
00:27:06.89\00:27:08.22
I mean there are some things
you have to be intentional
00:27:08.26\00:27:09.59
about doing to make
sure you guard your eyes
00:27:09.62\00:27:12.79
because, you know,
whatever comes into your eye
00:27:12.83\00:27:15.53
is going to come
ultimately into your soul
00:27:15.56\00:27:16.90
and to your spirit,
00:27:16.93\00:27:18.27
so you have to make
sure you guard those avenues.
00:27:18.30\00:27:21.17
Okay, all right, so let's go on.
00:27:21.20\00:27:23.17
Any more solutions that
we want to throw out there
00:27:23.20\00:27:24.87
before we close up?
00:27:24.91\00:27:26.68
I just like the
analogy of guarding.
00:27:26.71\00:27:28.48
You know, if I'm
on the battlefield
00:27:28.51\00:27:29.84
and I don't want to get
shot in a certain place,
00:27:29.88\00:27:31.75
I protect that spot.
00:27:31.78\00:27:33.65
You know, just like you said,
00:27:33.68\00:27:35.02
you have to be very intentional.
00:27:35.05\00:27:36.38
You can't hold your
armor up in one direction
00:27:36.42\00:27:38.29
and let it go on another, so...
00:27:38.32\00:27:40.02
All right, well, that's good.
And that will close us out.
00:27:40.06\00:27:41.66
So we learned a
couple of things, hopefully,
00:27:41.69\00:27:43.49
you'll put those
things into practice.
00:27:43.53\00:27:45.09
God bless you guys.
00:27:45.13\00:27:46.46
And remember, at
the end of the day,
00:27:46.49\00:27:47.83
if you don't
remember anything else,
00:27:47.86\00:27:49.20
remember to
always make Pure Choices.
00:27:49.23\00:27:51.43
That was good.
00:27:51.47\00:27:52.80