The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello and
welcome to Pure Choices.
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I'm your host
Pastor Joshua Nelson,
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and I'm so
excited that you decided
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to join us once again.
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This is going to be a great one.
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We're talking about how
to avoid having an affair.
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Yes, this is going
to be a really good one.
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So before we get into
it, let's call for the Spirit
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to be with us at this time.
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Let's pray.
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Heavenly Father,
please send your Spirit
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to shape this
conversation and help us guide,
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in Jesus' name we pray, amen.
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Amen.
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All right, well, let's go
ahead and introduce the panel.
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To my left, and my
friend chaplain Xavier Morales,
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happy to have
you here, my brother.
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And this time, we
separate you from your wife
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who is over here to my
right, Brittany Hill-Morales,
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and she is an intern out
there in Berrien Springs,
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pastor intern.
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Happy to have her here with us.
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Next to her, we
have Kimberly Douglas.
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See, I can't
get these last names
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but you all just got married,
and so glad to have her,
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scholar in her own write.
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Next to her is her
husband Pastor K.P. Douglas.
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So happy to have everyone
here today and of course,
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I'm Pastor Nelson and my
wife of course isn't here.
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So I'm sad, but I'm happy
you all have your spouses here.
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But we're talking
about this thing, okay,
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for married couples.
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And I understand
that people watching us
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probably laughing
right now and saying,
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"Man, these
fresh married couples
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are going to talk about
how to avoid an affair."
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And of course,
we're supposed to be
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in the most happy
honeymoon stage right now.
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I got married,
been about a year now
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since I'm married.
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You all been
what? Couple months now?
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Okay, praise God.
And few months here.
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So we don't know everything,
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let's just put that
out there disclaimer,
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what we do know from
looking at the people
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on our churches,
people on our families,
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and even doing a lot
of counseling ourselves
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to know there are some
tips that we have learned
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that we're
putting in practice now
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that we can maybe give
to those who are watching.
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But let's start with
the first question which is,
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why do people have affairs?
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Why do you all
think people have affairs?
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I know none of us
are thinking about it.
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So why do you think
other people have affairs?
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I think it's mainly
from what I've noticed
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and counseled people
on before, it's mainly
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because they're not
getting whatever satisfaction
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they're trying to
get from their spouse,
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they're not
getting it and they...
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Like they say,
the grass is greener
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on the other side sometimes,
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and that's what they want to do,
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they want to go see if
they can get, you know,
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that feel good moment
that they want to be able
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to whatever they
lost in the marriage,
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they want to try to rekindle it,
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but instead of
rekindling it with the spouse,
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they try to rekindle it
elsewhere to try to go back
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to that euphoria
of the dating stage.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Okay, let's go... I like that.
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So let's go a
little deeper into that
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why do people have affairs.
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I don't think that
everyone sets out saying,
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"I'm going to have an affair."
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Granted, there are
some people who might,
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but I don't think
that's everybody's intention,
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for some, it's
honestly that one step
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in the wrong direction
and then you find yourself
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on a slippery slope.
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And you find yourself
making compromises and decisions
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that you promised yourself
and your wife or husband
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that you would have never made.
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Yeah.
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All right, let's make it
a little bit harder, okay,
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I'm going to ask you a
little more pointed question.
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I'm going to
ask the women first.
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Ladies, why do you
all think men cheat?
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What do you think,
Brittany? What do you think?
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It could be different reasons.
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I personally
think some men cheat
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because either they are
not being satisfied at home,
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so they go out to find
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that
satisfaction that they need.
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Even though I've
heard the flip off,
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they may not be
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because they're
not being satisfied
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they may not be being
heard, not being respected,
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so they go out to have
someone listen to them,
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to have someone value
them, to have someone want
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to respect them, and
that's my understanding.
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I'm not a man. Okay.
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I just want your opinion.
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I'm going to let the
men talk in a second.
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Kimberly, you
want to add to that?
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I think that it has
to do with immaturity
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and do not...
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I think it has to
do with immaturity
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and just not being
realistic sometimes.
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In terms of
immaturity, you know,
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you think whatever practices
you might have been doing
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when you were dating,
you think you get married
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and the switch just flips
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and you stop
automatically not so.
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You know, whatever you
want to happen in your marriage,
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you need to
cultivate or begin to cultivate
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before you're married.
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And that's such a good
point because I think even now
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as us being freshly married,
this is the time I think
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that's the hardest for
us because we have to learn
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how to not be
single anymore, you know.
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I mean, so it's a temptation
and go back to how you were
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and so there is more
of a possibility that,
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you know, we could
slip into that cheating,
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especially if that's something
we did when we were dating.
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So, men, let's just break...
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Oh, I'm sorry. All
right, go ahead, Kim.
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I think also
sometimes when you're not being
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intentional about the
decisions that you make,
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it can lead to having affairs
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because if you
begin a marriage and...
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I remember when we
were engaged and, you know,
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how everybody gives you
advice at that point of time.
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Everybody. Everybody.
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I remember somebody
said to us, well, said to me,
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"Don't make divorce an option."
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And it sounds good.
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Real good. It sounds very good.
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But when you think of doing
the work to not make divorce
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an option and not
make extramarital affairs
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and those things an option,
it calls for being intentional
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about some things and
if we're not intentional
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about those things,
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the little problems can then,
you know, grow into big things.
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Yeah, that's a good
point, intentionality,
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and we're going to
touch on that a little more.
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That's really good.
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So, men, I guess we
haven't been very intentional
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if we think
about cheating every...
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but what is it that, you
know, the women are watching,
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what is that really causes us?
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I know a lot of us
have thought about it,
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but what is that
causes, I mean, in the past
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or the men watching,
what causes them to cheat?
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Oh, I'll take it. Okay.
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Well, I can
tell from experience.
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I'm not a cheater, and
I've only been married once
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and I'm happily married.
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But anyway, I know
in my younger years
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what leads to stepping outside
a relationship is oftentimes
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just the availability of
another person, you know.
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And I think even
what Kim touched on
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is very important is
that being intentional,
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and most of the
times, I had that...
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Talking about a long time ago
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and I was a lot younger,
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I had that opportunity to
step outside of relationship,
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it was usually with
somebody I had dated before,
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maybe or
somebody I knew, you know,
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or had some kind of
run in with in the past
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and it was just a moment
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where we were both
available, you know.
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And I think and
based on television
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and shows of that has any truth
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'cause they kind of make
it seem like everybody cheats,
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but usually what
we see on television,
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it usually is that being
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in the wrong
place the wrong time,
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putting yourself
in bad positions.
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You know, nobody wants
to cheat, but, you know,
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sometimes as a guy, you
know, some beautiful woman
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and she makes
herself available, you know,
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then you got a real
hard decision to make.
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Yeah, there's always that
possibility for a scandal.
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There's always that possibility.
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Yeah.
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I mean, you
know, and oftentimes,
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what we see on TV is
that people or men think,
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"You know, oh, well, I
married the wrong person,
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you know, so I'm cheating
because I want to be with
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the "right" person, you know."
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Another thing I've
heard is men will cheat
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because they want to
have power over the woman
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because they feel
insecure and so they feel that
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maybe she will, and
so they want to make sure
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that something
went upon her, you know,
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a lot of psychological
things going on there.
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Xavier, you want to add to that?
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Yeah, I think it
goes back to monogamy
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and also availability
and intentionality, you know,
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society hasn't
taught, I don't think ever,
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that men should be, you
know, monogamous, you know,
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were created to go
forth and procreate, you know.
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I know I'm speaking
personally like in my culture,
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Puerto Rico,
Caribbean culture, you know,
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you don't really see
a lot of committed men.
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So, you know, you
have to work against that.
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And then, you know,
we recently got married
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and that was a very
difficult, you know,
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situation or decision for me
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because I've been in situations
before in my past, you know.
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I have a past in which I was,
you know, when I was single,
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you know, you go
from woman to woman.
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So the idea of being
with one single person
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and not getting that
feeling of, you know,
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being here one minute,
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over here the next or
as my friends would...
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the friends that I used to
have would say, "Baskin-Robbins,
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trial all 31 flavors," you know.
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That feeling, you know,
it's like you don't want it
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to go away, you know,
the idea of one person.
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And I think men are
driven more by testosterone.
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Yeah. And the
conquering, yeah. Yeah.
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I conquer this one, this
one, and this one rather than,
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you know, being
committed to the one
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and actually
dedicating that work
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and time to
building that relationship
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with that one.
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Yeah, that goes
back to lot of things
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we've talked
about before, you know,
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if you are living
a promiscuous life,
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you're not making pure choices,
it's going to be hard for you
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to get married and then
think you're going to be able
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to all of a sudden
be with one person.
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So let's go
ahead and talk about...
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we talked a lot
about why men cheat.
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You all discuss them at home.
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But let's go why do women cheat?
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That's what we want to know.
Why do women usually cheat?
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I thought the men
were going to answer first.
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Oh, yeah, no,
last time we did...
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Okay, fine, fine.
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To be fair, look
at me, I'm there.
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Okay, all right, Pastor Douglas,
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tell us why do
you think women cheat?
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I have no idea. I really don't.
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I can try, why
women cheat, I mean,
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probably the same
answer we gave for men,
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just feeling inadequate,
maybe not having needs met.
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I do think though that
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and I'm just
throwing this out there
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and maybe more
emotional for women,
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you know, maybe they're not
have any emotional needs met,
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I don't know, is that...
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You're looking at me...
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I'm trying to
say the right things.
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Let's let the women talk
about that what do you think
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'cause of course, you
are not the one doing it,
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what do you all think
of that why women cheat.
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I think that some
women do because they can.
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Okay. Because you can.
00:11:23.85\00:11:28.55
When I think about relationships
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and what happens
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when a guy cheats on a woman
chances are you hear about her
00:11:36.19\00:11:43.00
forgiving him and, you
know, they work things out.
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But in the reverse,
when a woman cheats,
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and the guy, he can't take it.
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Don't come home, baby. You know?
00:11:54.88\00:11:57.31
So I think sometimes
women do because they can
00:11:57.35\00:12:01.42
and because they
can get away with it.
00:12:01.45\00:12:03.02
I know that sounds bad,
00:12:03.05\00:12:04.75
but I think that is
the truth for some people.
00:12:04.79\00:12:07.82
I also think that, you
know, some truth to what
00:12:07.86\00:12:10.66
Kory was saying
emotionally, you know,
00:12:10.69\00:12:15.03
because we I guess tend to
be more emotional creatures
00:12:15.06\00:12:19.87
that, you know,
if safer instance,
00:12:19.90\00:12:23.74
I don't know, if I...
00:12:23.77\00:12:29.24
There's some
area of our marriage
00:12:29.28\00:12:32.25
where I feel like, you
know, "I'm not being heard
00:12:32.28\00:12:35.72
or I'm not being
understood," you know,
00:12:35.75\00:12:38.42
you look for
somebody else who will hear
00:12:38.45\00:12:41.89
and who will understand.
00:12:41.92\00:12:44.33
But of course, it's dangerous.
00:12:44.36\00:12:46.16
Right, that
person comes right along
00:12:46.19\00:12:47.60
and filling those needs.
00:12:47.63\00:12:48.96
It's dangerous and, you know,
it tends to come around like
00:12:49.00\00:12:51.33
you said at the wrong
time, you know, it's dangerous.
00:12:51.37\00:12:54.20
Okay.
00:12:54.24\00:12:55.57
Brittany wants to add a
little something to that.
00:12:55.60\00:12:56.94
I was going to add
like, what she said,
00:12:56.97\00:12:58.31
it's like a slippery slope.
00:12:58.34\00:12:59.87
If you think, "Okay,
I'm just going to go,"
00:12:59.91\00:13:01.24
and someone says, "Oh,
you look really nice today."
00:13:01.28\00:13:04.05
I remember
someone did tell me that.
00:13:04.08\00:13:05.81
I was having a really
bad day, the guy I was dating
00:13:05.85\00:13:08.38
at that time was
getting all on my nerves
00:13:08.42\00:13:10.32
then I went off
Facebook and it popped up,
00:13:10.35\00:13:12.22
"You really look
beautiful on the pulpit today."
00:13:12.25\00:13:14.52
Oh, man.
00:13:14.56\00:13:15.89
Made you feel like
you're all in the clouds.
00:13:15.92\00:13:18.76
And sometimes
it's just little things
00:13:18.79\00:13:20.13
and it just starts
slowly, and slowly, and slowly
00:13:20.16\00:13:22.43
until you wake up one morning
and like, "What happened?"
00:13:22.46\00:13:25.93
But then another
switch for some women,
00:13:25.97\00:13:29.27
it may not be a slippery
slope, it may be intentional of,
00:13:29.30\00:13:33.01
"I'm going to go out
because I need something."
00:13:33.04\00:13:36.14
And some things might be,
00:13:36.18\00:13:37.75
"My husband is not
providing sexually for me,"
00:13:37.78\00:13:40.18
because some women do have
to get that sexual desire met.
00:13:40.22\00:13:43.39
"I'm going to go and do
this and then come back home
00:13:43.42\00:13:46.29
and still get satisfied
by him," and it could be...
00:13:46.32\00:13:49.52
that's just so
many different areas.
00:13:49.56\00:13:52.76
So let's now talk
about those individuals
00:13:52.79\00:13:54.80
who are maybe in a
married relationship
00:13:54.83\00:13:56.53
right now and, you know,
00:13:56.56\00:13:58.60
maybe their
marriage is not the best,
00:13:58.63\00:14:00.84
but they're maybe
in that danger zone
00:14:00.87\00:14:03.61
of possibly having an
affair, what are some things
00:14:03.64\00:14:06.57
they can look for to know
that maybe they're in danger
00:14:06.61\00:14:10.25
of having that affair
00:14:10.28\00:14:11.95
or their spouse is
in danger of having?
00:14:11.98\00:14:14.62
Are you talking?
00:14:14.65\00:14:16.58
Say it again. Are you talking?
00:14:16.62\00:14:18.62
Are you communicating? Oh, okay.
00:14:18.65\00:14:20.56
I'm saying as one of
the signs. Yeah, yeah.
00:14:20.59\00:14:22.89
Are you
communicating with each other?
00:14:22.92\00:14:24.66
Yeah.
00:14:24.69\00:14:26.03
Whether it's, you
know, you come home,
00:14:26.06\00:14:27.86
"Hey, guess what
happened at work today or,
00:14:27.90\00:14:31.00
you know what,
you didn't do this."
00:14:31.03\00:14:34.24
You know, it's
still communication,
00:14:34.27\00:14:36.77
so I think that's
definitely one thing, you know,
00:14:36.81\00:14:40.44
that people can look out
for is that communication,
00:14:40.48\00:14:43.24
constant
communication still happening.
00:14:43.28\00:14:45.81
Sure.
00:14:45.85\00:14:47.18
Does he run, try to
beat you to his phone
00:14:47.22\00:14:49.02
when you reach for it?
00:14:49.05\00:14:51.29
Yes. It has a lock.
00:14:51.32\00:14:52.65
That's the problem.
00:14:52.69\00:14:54.02
When you don't
know the password.
00:14:54.06\00:14:55.96
You know her
password, she don't know yours.
00:14:55.99\00:14:59.16
Yeah.
00:14:59.19\00:15:00.53
It's one of the two of
them being very secretive.
00:15:00.56\00:15:04.60
There's a difference
between 'cause, you know,
00:15:04.63\00:15:06.53
with my spouse,
my wife, you know,
00:15:06.57\00:15:08.80
I give her some level
of respect and privacy
00:15:08.84\00:15:11.61
for her things
that she needs to do,
00:15:11.64\00:15:13.44
but then there's privacy
and then there is secrecy.
00:15:13.48\00:15:15.84
You know, people being secretive
00:15:15.88\00:15:17.95
of what they're doing.
00:15:17.98\00:15:19.35
Usually, you can notice
that by an elevated sense of,
00:15:19.38\00:15:24.45
you know, you ask them something
00:15:24.49\00:15:25.82
they jump all over you.
00:15:25.85\00:15:28.89
Usually, they tend to
be on edge all the time,
00:15:28.92\00:15:31.93
so you notice
those things, you know,
00:15:31.96\00:15:34.36
it's one of them staying
a little extra longer out,
00:15:34.40\00:15:38.43
you know, and not meeting
like a couple minutes, I mean,
00:15:38.47\00:15:41.90
I'm talking about hours, hours.
00:15:41.94\00:15:45.87
So those little
things like that usually
00:15:45.91\00:15:47.68
like the biggest
one is just a high,
00:15:47.71\00:15:49.38
a sense of walking on eggshells
00:15:49.41\00:15:50.95
or being on edge all
the time over anything.
00:15:50.98\00:15:53.08
Yeah, and I like
that because, you know,
00:15:53.11\00:15:55.02
it may mean that
they're having an affair,
00:15:55.05\00:15:56.38
but if someone is
spending so much time away
00:15:56.42\00:15:59.12
from each other,
00:15:59.15\00:16:00.49
then they're
going to open up a door
00:16:00.52\00:16:02.22
to allow someone
to fill that time
00:16:02.26\00:16:03.59
because you
still as a human being,
00:16:03.63\00:16:04.96
you want that
emotional connection
00:16:04.99\00:16:06.33
with the opposite sex.
00:16:06.36\00:16:07.70
So, you know,
that's another big one.
00:16:07.73\00:16:09.60
And also surprising, you know,
I'm reading that another sign
00:16:09.63\00:16:13.13
is that you have
stopped having arguments,
00:16:13.17\00:16:15.70
you know, you're just done.
00:16:15.74\00:16:17.34
I'm going to say, "Okay,
this is it, whatever you say,"
00:16:17.37\00:16:19.21
you know, that's another danger.
00:16:19.24\00:16:21.34
I was going to say
based on what, you know,
00:16:21.38\00:16:23.85
like Xavier was saying
maybe you should ask yourself,
00:16:23.88\00:16:25.91
"Do I trust this person?"
00:16:25.95\00:16:27.72
You know, if you
can't trust somebody,
00:16:27.75\00:16:29.42
you have problems with
that person in general.
00:16:29.45\00:16:31.69
But if you also
have the trust issue,
00:16:31.72\00:16:33.96
then that may lead
to something as well.
00:16:33.99\00:16:35.96
You know, some people
cheat because they're paranoid
00:16:35.99\00:16:38.19
that they're
going to get cheated on.
00:16:38.23\00:16:39.96
You know, maybe try to
beat the person to the punch.
00:16:40.00\00:16:43.16
And so I think you
should really act yourself
00:16:43.20\00:16:44.93
even when you were
talking about secrecy,
00:16:44.97\00:16:46.70
I mean, we began
to think, you know,
00:16:46.74\00:16:48.07
secrecy is a serious thing.
00:16:48.10\00:16:50.01
You know, you think about
what the devil used to trip up
00:16:50.04\00:16:53.17
Eve was the fact
that he told her,
00:16:53.21\00:16:56.08
"God is keeping a
secret from you," you know,
00:16:56.11\00:16:58.68
and she wouldn't be
able to trust God anymore.
00:16:58.71\00:17:00.98
You know, and so her
relationship with God
00:17:01.02\00:17:02.92
was broken based on that
lack of trust and the fact
00:17:02.95\00:17:05.95
that she thought that God
will keep us on the front.
00:17:05.99\00:17:08.66
But honestly, I think
that even with these, you know,
00:17:08.69\00:17:11.79
potential indicators that
we've thrown out in a situation
00:17:11.83\00:17:15.40
that isn't healthy or
is not necessarily happy,
00:17:15.43\00:17:20.27
the smallest thing
00:17:20.30\00:17:21.64
that's nothing will
seem like an indicator.
00:17:21.67\00:17:24.01
Yeah.
00:17:24.04\00:17:25.37
And so I think that, you
know, just taking some time
00:17:25.41\00:17:28.41
to look at your
current situation
00:17:28.44\00:17:30.58
and analyze it with as
clear lens as possible...
00:17:30.61\00:17:34.25
And sometimes also
having an accountability partner
00:17:34.28\00:17:36.89
or prayer
partner, someone, you know,
00:17:36.92\00:17:38.85
because you don't
want to necessarily go
00:17:38.89\00:17:40.26
and spread your
business to the world,
00:17:40.29\00:17:42.66
but somebody who has
your best interest at heart,
00:17:42.69\00:17:45.19
someone you can trust,
00:17:45.23\00:17:47.83
and ask if they've seen anything
00:17:47.86\00:17:50.37
because sometimes too,
00:17:50.40\00:17:51.73
when you're in a
situation, you can't see it.
00:17:51.77\00:17:54.00
Yeah, okay, that's
a good one as well.
00:17:54.04\00:17:57.07
Okay, go ahead.
00:17:57.11\00:17:58.44
I think so too
what she said is cool,
00:17:58.47\00:18:00.18
accountability
because and it sounds funny,
00:18:00.21\00:18:02.81
but it happens in real life,
you know, you got these people,
00:18:02.84\00:18:05.25
you tell your boys
00:18:05.28\00:18:06.61
or the girlfriend
tells their girlfriend,
00:18:06.65\00:18:08.02
"Hey, did you
hear what happened?
00:18:08.05\00:18:09.62
Girlfriend, did you hear
what happened here and there."
00:18:09.65\00:18:11.72
You know, it just maybe nothing,
00:18:11.75\00:18:14.42
it may just be an
unhappy circumstance
00:18:14.46\00:18:15.99
that can be easily solved,
00:18:16.02\00:18:17.36
but then it's
made into something.
00:18:17.39\00:18:19.29
So I think what she...
00:18:19.33\00:18:21.73
Can we say what's
key there, you know,
00:18:21.76\00:18:23.33
whoever you have accountability,
00:18:23.37\00:18:24.77
make sure you
can trust them too.
00:18:24.80\00:18:26.13
Well, I was just going to
say just make sure that you talk
00:18:26.17\00:18:29.77
to your spouse
as much as you talk
00:18:29.80\00:18:31.14
to your accountability person
00:18:31.17\00:18:32.61
or make sure he's
praying with this spouse
00:18:32.64\00:18:34.28
as much as praying
with your prayer partner.
00:18:34.31\00:18:36.08
And what can help with
that and we didn't touch on
00:18:36.11\00:18:38.35
in terms of signs
is intimacy, you know,
00:18:38.38\00:18:41.32
if intimacy is not
there and I didn't say sex,
00:18:41.35\00:18:44.12
I said intimacy, you know,
because if you are not able to,
00:18:44.15\00:18:49.29
you know, see into them
00:18:49.32\00:18:50.66
and be able to connect with them
00:18:50.69\00:18:52.03
in that deep level,
then there is a good sign
00:18:52.06\00:18:54.96
that maybe there is
going to be, you know,
00:18:55.00\00:18:56.40
some sort of affair
that could possibly happen.
00:18:56.43\00:18:58.73
So, you know, I think if
your husband watching this,
00:18:58.77\00:19:02.50
you know, you don't have
that intimacy with your wife,
00:19:02.54\00:19:04.77
you got to fight for that.
00:19:04.81\00:19:06.14
And same with
the wife, you know,
00:19:06.17\00:19:07.51
you got to fight for
that because if you don't have
00:19:07.54\00:19:08.88
that connection intimately,
00:19:08.91\00:19:11.48
it's going to
open up a lot of doors.
00:19:11.51\00:19:13.11
And the sex is important
too because that is what God
00:19:13.15\00:19:16.28
has given us to glue
us together, you know.
00:19:16.32\00:19:18.89
Sorry.
00:19:18.92\00:19:20.26
And I don't think that
you should necessarily wait
00:19:20.29\00:19:22.92
until something happens
because I think when two people
00:19:22.96\00:19:26.53
are in sync and you fall
off, you can sort of detect
00:19:26.56\00:19:31.43
when things are not the
same or when something...
00:19:31.47\00:19:34.14
And it could be something
that's happening with me,
00:19:34.17\00:19:36.84
you know, I could be
the one in the situation
00:19:36.87\00:19:40.31
with both of us,
and I'm just like,
00:19:40.34\00:19:41.68
"You know,
something's not right."
00:19:41.71\00:19:43.41
I might notice, you
know, you just lingering,
00:19:43.45\00:19:46.15
it's not a quick glance anymore,
00:19:46.18\00:19:47.88
it's a long stare and
then you start thinking things,
00:19:47.92\00:19:50.82
and that's what I
meant by a slippery slope.
00:19:50.85\00:19:52.45
It will start as
something seemingly innocent,
00:19:52.49\00:19:54.99
and then it, you know,
balloons into something.
00:19:55.02\00:19:57.36
So don't wait until, you
know, you end up in a bedroom
00:19:57.39\00:20:01.53
that's not yours or something.
00:20:01.56\00:20:03.16
Yeah.
00:20:03.20\00:20:04.53
All right, let's go and
talk about some tips which,
00:20:04.57\00:20:06.60
you know, the title
is avoiding affairs,
00:20:06.63\00:20:08.04
so let's talk about how we
can really avoid the affairs.
00:20:08.07\00:20:10.77
What are some things that
you all started practicing
00:20:10.81\00:20:12.74
in your own marriages
00:20:12.77\00:20:14.11
that are helping
to avoid affairs.
00:20:14.14\00:20:17.71
I would start
with mindset, you know,
00:20:17.75\00:20:20.22
if you don't have a
mindset for marriage,
00:20:20.25\00:20:22.62
your might as
well forget about it.
00:20:22.65\00:20:24.15
And if you don't
have a correct mindset,
00:20:24.19\00:20:25.82
you might as
well forget about it.
00:20:25.85\00:20:27.19
The bottom line is
marriage is a lot of work,
00:20:27.22\00:20:29.92
where I'm from, it's mad work.
00:20:29.96\00:20:32.03
Marriage is mad work, okay?
00:20:32.06\00:20:34.30
And if you come into
a marriage not thinking
00:20:34.33\00:20:37.00
it's not going to
be work, you know,
00:20:37.03\00:20:38.37
we look at
marriage on television,
00:20:38.40\00:20:39.97
you often get married
when everything is okay,
00:20:40.00\00:20:42.70
you know, "I want to get myself
together, my career together,
00:20:42.74\00:20:44.91
my life
together, or my own house,
00:20:44.94\00:20:46.44
and see what
this is like first."
00:20:46.47\00:20:47.84
So by the time you come together
00:20:47.88\00:20:49.21
you're expecting two
complete whole people
00:20:49.24\00:20:50.91
who are perfect to just kind
of all of a sudden be together
00:20:50.95\00:20:53.75
and be perfect,
00:20:53.78\00:20:55.12
I think that is not even
remotely close, I love my wife,
00:20:55.15\00:20:58.39
does not even remotely
close to what the truth
00:20:58.42\00:21:00.52
is there's
going to be struggles,
00:21:00.56\00:21:01.89
there's going to be issues,
there's going to be arguments.
00:21:01.92\00:21:03.83
And I think maybe even go
back to the first question,
00:21:03.86\00:21:07.46
marriages fail because
people are lazy, you know,
00:21:07.50\00:21:09.63
they're not
expecting to do so much work.
00:21:09.66\00:21:12.73
So from the beginning,
you have to have a mindset
00:21:12.77\00:21:14.60
that this thing is
going to take some work.
00:21:14.64\00:21:16.20
Yeah, and I think, you know,
for me and my wife, you know,
00:21:16.24\00:21:18.31
we had to recognize
each other's brokenness,
00:21:18.34\00:21:20.18
you know, who we really were.
00:21:20.21\00:21:22.28
I think sometimes you
enter marriages thinking
00:21:22.31\00:21:23.85
there's a white picket
fence around the individual,
00:21:23.88\00:21:27.12
you think they're
perfect and stuff...
00:21:27.15\00:21:28.58
Especially for
women you can be blinded,
00:21:28.62\00:21:30.09
And I had to tell, "Look, baby,
00:21:30.12\00:21:31.45
I'm a mess," you know,
00:21:31.49\00:21:32.85
she had to really
see that and accept that.
00:21:32.89\00:21:34.22
I had to see stuff
about her until, you know,
00:21:34.26\00:21:36.36
we could really, you know,
understand that a lot of times,
00:21:36.39\00:21:40.10
and unfortunately, a
lot of times individuals
00:21:40.13\00:21:42.60
will come into
relationships wounded, you know,
00:21:42.63\00:21:44.43
broken and they're expecting
that spouse to put them
00:21:44.47\00:21:46.84
back together, to
heal them, you know.
00:21:46.87\00:21:49.30
And where it is true
that the two become one
00:21:49.34\00:21:52.81
that one is...
you have to understand
00:21:52.84\00:21:56.71
the wounds that they
have and the brokenness
00:21:56.75\00:21:58.71
that they
brought to the situation,
00:21:58.75\00:22:00.28
so you can actually
not be repulsed by it
00:22:00.32\00:22:02.72
and run away to somebody
else, but actually be able
00:22:02.75\00:22:05.99
to stay glued to the individual.
00:22:06.02\00:22:08.72
Yeah, I would definitely
add you need to know yourself
00:22:08.76\00:22:11.33
because affairs
won't just happen
00:22:11.36\00:22:13.29
because you were with
someone of the opposite sex
00:22:13.33\00:22:16.83
'cause you could have an affair
with a man or with a woman,
00:22:16.87\00:22:19.77
that's the society
that we're living in now,
00:22:19.80\00:22:21.80
you can just
slip to either side.
00:22:21.84\00:22:24.57
You have to know
whatever the core issue is
00:22:24.61\00:22:27.18
that's going on with you to
first start within yourself.
00:22:27.21\00:22:30.28
Either you're
missing some sort of love
00:22:30.31\00:22:33.52
that could be connected
to a father or a mother
00:22:33.55\00:22:35.72
or whatever it is
something that's deeply going on
00:22:35.75\00:22:38.52
within you that makes
you want to cling to a woman
00:22:38.55\00:22:41.49
or cling to a man and
then leads to that affair.
00:22:41.52\00:22:46.03
You have to know yourself first.
00:22:46.06\00:22:48.93
It's not just, "Okay,
I'm missing, you know,
00:22:48.96\00:22:51.87
feeling hugs every
day, so I'm going to go
00:22:51.90\00:22:53.87
and find a girl who's
going to hug me all the time.
00:22:53.90\00:22:55.74
And she's a girl
she's going to be okay
00:22:55.77\00:22:57.17
'cause it is not a guy."
00:22:57.21\00:22:58.54
You can end up
having an affair with a girl
00:22:58.57\00:23:00.18
because that's the society
that we're living in right now.
00:23:00.21\00:23:02.41
Yeah.
00:23:02.44\00:23:03.78
I think I would
just take a few moments
00:23:03.81\00:23:06.41
to think before acting.
00:23:06.45\00:23:11.62
You know, if you just
pause for a few seconds,
00:23:11.65\00:23:15.19
think about what
you're about to do,
00:23:15.22\00:23:18.69
and think about
the repercussions
00:23:18.73\00:23:21.20
of the action, and
you're right it might,
00:23:21.23\00:23:25.63
you know, work
well for some people,
00:23:25.67\00:23:27.30
it might not
work well for others.
00:23:27.34\00:23:30.87
But that
definitely came to mind,
00:23:30.91\00:23:32.27
take a few moments to be...
00:23:32.31\00:23:33.64
Yeah, you got to
be able to think about
00:23:33.68\00:23:35.44
what you're doing and
who you're doing it to,
00:23:35.48\00:23:37.05
you know, when
you're in a situation.
00:23:37.08\00:23:38.98
You know, and a big part
of this is really making sure
00:23:39.01\00:23:41.02
your love
connection is tight, you know,
00:23:41.05\00:23:43.08
knowing each
other's love languages
00:23:43.12\00:23:44.72
and being able to
speak that language
00:23:44.75\00:23:47.32
that is going to appeal
that individual, you know,
00:23:47.36\00:23:50.66
fill up their love bank
so that you won't be seeking
00:23:50.69\00:23:53.26
that from
somebody else, you know...
00:23:53.29\00:23:56.40
You have
something? Go ahead. Yeah.
00:23:56.43\00:23:57.77
I was going to say, you know,
one of the biggest things is,
00:23:57.80\00:24:00.04
you know, when you're
dating, don't stop dating.
00:24:00.07\00:24:04.71
And one of the
biggest things that we have
00:24:04.74\00:24:06.71
'cause like I said, when
you mentioned brokenness,
00:24:06.74\00:24:09.14
you know, I brought a
lot of brokenness, you know,
00:24:09.18\00:24:11.38
I had to really
get some self-awareness
00:24:11.41\00:24:13.55
because I didn't know
it was not fair to her.
00:24:13.58\00:24:16.92
You know, to my wife to
have to deal with everything
00:24:16.95\00:24:18.92
that was a result of my
past and everything I did,
00:24:18.95\00:24:24.39
but one thing
that we keep sacred
00:24:24.43\00:24:26.49
is our date night.
00:24:26.53\00:24:27.93
You know, we have a date
night, and this day and age
00:24:27.96\00:24:30.03
when everything everybody
so busy whether with work,
00:24:30.07\00:24:33.13
iPhone, iPad, computer,
Wi-Fi, everything else,
00:24:33.17\00:24:36.44
you know, where it's
going to be easily distracted.
00:24:36.47\00:24:39.31
So I think a
date night, you know,
00:24:39.34\00:24:41.01
where you can actually
go turn everything off.
00:24:41.04\00:24:43.75
You know, if you have kids,
find a babysitter that trust,
00:24:43.78\00:24:46.92
leave the baby
with the babysitter,
00:24:46.95\00:24:48.95
and really have that time
alone where you can restore
00:24:48.98\00:24:52.12
that intimacy,
restore and nurture
00:24:52.15\00:24:54.26
that relationship to
the way it was before.
00:24:54.29\00:24:56.99
There's hope, but you
just got to put it in the work.
00:24:57.03\00:24:59.56
Yeah, I'm so
happy you said that man.
00:24:59.59\00:25:00.93
Yeah, there has
to be a sacred time.
00:25:00.96\00:25:02.30
You know, you have to keep
that time with that individual
00:25:02.33\00:25:04.70
to keep that love alive.
00:25:04.73\00:25:06.07
Yeah, go ahead.
00:25:06.10\00:25:07.44
There is something else
I thought of when I guess
00:25:07.47\00:25:08.80
this is just putting us
kind of on front street.
00:25:08.84\00:25:10.57
Hey, please, put
my bit up, please do.
00:25:10.61\00:25:13.44
I remember we had
an argument one time.
00:25:13.48\00:25:19.71
And the argument
ended all because Kory said,
00:25:19.75\00:25:26.65
"You know what,
let's just stop and pray."
00:25:26.69\00:25:30.59
And there's just something
00:25:30.63\00:25:31.96
about having to
pray with somebody.
00:25:31.99\00:25:37.87
That's a good one, man.
00:25:37.90\00:25:39.23
When you're upset,
00:25:39.27\00:25:40.60
two don't really
go together well.
00:25:40.64\00:25:42.47
And, you know, you really
don't want to in the moment,
00:25:42.50\00:25:46.07
"No, I don't want to
stop and pray right now,
00:25:46.11\00:25:47.91
I'm not really happy with you."
00:25:47.94\00:25:49.88
But, you know, you're kind of,
00:25:49.91\00:25:52.61
"All right,
whatever, let's just pray."
00:25:52.65\00:25:54.85
And in the midst of that like
I almost felt that anger or,
00:25:54.88\00:25:59.35
you know,
disappointment just subsiding,
00:25:59.39\00:26:03.59
and it sounds idealistic,
but it actually works.
00:26:03.63\00:26:07.96
Yeah, it does,
sometimes it does I guess.
00:26:08.00\00:26:11.80
If you can manage to.
00:26:11.83\00:26:13.67
Yeah, but I was going to
say something similar to that,
00:26:13.70\00:26:16.00
you know, to
where even if you stop
00:26:16.04\00:26:18.04
and even force yourself
to like touch each other,
00:26:18.07\00:26:20.51
you know, and that's touch
or even I was saying before
00:26:20.54\00:26:23.21
about, you know,
staring in someone eyes
00:26:23.24\00:26:24.61
she is not
saying just look at me,
00:26:24.65\00:26:26.21
you know, and that
kind of reconnects about
00:26:26.25\00:26:28.62
who they really are
because you're angry
00:26:28.65\00:26:30.02
at the moment at that thing,
00:26:30.05\00:26:32.22
but you really have to
remember I do love you.
00:26:32.25\00:26:35.12
You know, and so they
have to make sure you separate
00:26:35.16\00:26:37.56
the two 'cause
arguments is a lot of times
00:26:37.59\00:26:39.59
what will lead to
when you're fed up
00:26:39.63\00:26:41.66
with a relationship and
just want to get over with.
00:26:41.70\00:26:44.07
If I could just use one word,
I would just say connection
00:26:44.10\00:26:49.04
which we've kind of
talked about for the most part,
00:26:49.07\00:26:51.81
but I think you
got to just be real
00:26:51.84\00:26:53.71
like you've got to
be connected to God,
00:26:53.74\00:26:55.84
you know, no
marriage is going to work
00:26:55.88\00:26:58.75
if you're trying hard to
be connected to each other
00:26:58.78\00:27:01.52
and neither person is
trying to be connected to God.
00:27:01.55\00:27:03.52
And I'm not necessarily
talking about, you know,
00:27:03.55\00:27:06.39
couple worship and all
that good stuff like, you know,
00:27:06.42\00:27:08.72
we'll pray together, put
our devotion together now
00:27:08.76\00:27:11.19
all the time, you know,
but we do, but I make sure
00:27:11.23\00:27:14.16
that the mornings
where we don't have devotion
00:27:14.20\00:27:16.56
and she didn't
even know it all times,
00:27:16.60\00:27:17.93
sometimes I'll just
hug her and pray for her.
00:27:17.97\00:27:19.50
You know, I'll pray
by myself on my devotion.
00:27:19.53\00:27:21.17
Oh, man, that's
nice. I know, right?
00:27:21.20\00:27:23.34
I got points for
that. I did that too, baby.
00:27:23.37\00:27:27.41
Just trying to stay...
00:27:27.44\00:27:29.98
Just trying to stay connected
as much as I can to God,
00:27:30.01\00:27:33.18
you know, knowing and trusting
00:27:33.21\00:27:34.58
that God is really
the deciding factor.
00:27:34.62\00:27:38.25
And also that we've been
talking also stay connected
00:27:38.29\00:27:40.69
to each other, you know.
00:27:40.72\00:27:42.06
Amen.
00:27:42.09\00:27:43.43
And that's where
we're going to end it.
00:27:43.46\00:27:44.96
It's a really good topic,
00:27:44.99\00:27:46.33
I'm sure we could
discuss more about it.
00:27:46.36\00:27:47.70
But I didn't add this
one, at the end of the day,
00:27:47.73\00:27:50.00
one thing that helps not having
an affair just have more sex.
00:27:50.03\00:27:54.67
Honestly, at the end of the day
00:27:54.70\00:27:56.14
just remember to
always make Pure Choices.
00:27:56.17\00:27:58.87
God bless you.
00:27:58.91\00:28:00.28
That definitely helps.
00:28:00.31\00:28:01.84