The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
00:00:01.36\00:00:03.50
Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello, and
welcome to Pure Choices.
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I'm your host,
Pastor Joshua Nelson.
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And I'm glad you
decided to join us,
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especially if you're a man,
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because we are
discussing what do women want?
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Yes, that's something
that I've often asked myself
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and still asking
myself, even being married,
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but we need to know
little more about women want.
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I think it's a very good program
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we're gonna
have today as we have
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three beautiful women
here on program today.
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And they're going to talk
to us about what women want.
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So let's pause for
a moment of prayer.
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Heavenly Father,
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we just ask that Your
Spirit would be with us
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as we discuss today, in
Jesus' name we pray, amen.
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Amen.
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Let's introduce our panel.
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On the couch here,
we have Brittany Hill
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who is recent
graduate at Andrews University,
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theological seminary.
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Next to her, we
have Dr. Jeanne Mogusu
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who's also a recent
graduate at Andrews University.
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And next to her, we
have Kimberly Pearson
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who's the associate
chaplain at Oakwood University.
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So we're glad we have
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these wonderful
ladies here, my friends.
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And so this is the
question, we wanna know.
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We wanna know,
what do women want?
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Do you all want flowers?
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Do you all want a
bunch of chocolates?
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What do you all want?
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You know, we wanna
know, we wanna know.
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So let's just start with this
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because this is a question
that, you know, I used to ask.
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Now, I'm married, I
don't ask these questions
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I guess as much, you know.
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I want to know how
should a man approach a woman.
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Okay, what's the best way?
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I mean, shall we
come up to you and say,
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"You look good, what's up?"
You know, what should we say?
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How should we approach and say,
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"Hello, my name
is Joshua Nelson.
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What is your name?"
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Well, how
should we approach you?
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What's the best way?
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Go ahead. Go
ahead. You all laughing.
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I'm not doing it
right? I'm not doing it right?
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Not like that.
Like, I like that.
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All right, tell us, tell
us. Teach, teach us today.
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Yeah, go right ahead.
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I would say that
I think the best way
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is to be direct
about your intentions.
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I think every woman wants a
man who knows what he wants.
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And so, you know, be
kind, be a gentleman,
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introduce
yourself using your name,
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and maybe
something that you noticed.
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"Hey, you know, I noticed,
you know, you after church.
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And I, you know, wanted to know
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if I can get to
know you better."
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But, I mean, I
think is just be direct
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but all the, you
know, "Hey, girl!"
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And all that, turn it down.
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We're not looking for that.
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At the end of the day,
we wanna know who you are
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and what your intentions are.
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Okay.
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And I would
totally agree with Kim.
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I know, for me, as
if just walking up to me
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and asking me for my number.
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You know, it's...
I mean, get original.
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Be original, like...
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I mean, it maybe cliché(C)
but a good pickup line...
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So you say, you want
a good pickup line...
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No, it's... No, no, no.
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But it has to be in context,
like, you can't just pop in,
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I mean, I'm grocery
shopping and you're literally
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following me around the store
and asking me for my number.
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Like, I don't know
if you're a stalker
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or a serial killer, you know.
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Give me context, like,
you know, present yourself.
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How you present yourself,
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first impressions
are lasting impressions.
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Okay, so I'm gonna say
something like, "Girl..."
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Oh, God, really?
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"Your father... Your
father must be a thief
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because he stole the stars
and put them in your eyes."
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Oh, no.
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That's not original.
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I mean, we've heard that.
I read that in a book store.
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Tell the studio
audience, please don't do that.
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Please do not do that.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay.
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All right, go ahead,
Brittany, what do you think?
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As they said, be upfront.
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Don't pretend to be
trying to communicate with me
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for something else
other than what you know
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you're actually
communicating to me for.
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Some guys will pretend,
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"Oh, I just wanted
to see how you're doing.
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Are you okay?"
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Friends, but you're not really,
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you don't really
wanna be my friend.
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You wanna be more than that.
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So just be honest and say,
"Hi, I think you're pretty."
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You could probably say that.
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Some women like a
guy that's more upfront,
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some want them to just
play around a little bit more.
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But I think upfront is
better than playing around.
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Upfront is better.
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Now, you mentioned
something interesting about
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being a friend.
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Now, here's a big question.
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That friend zone,
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how do I get out
of that friend zone?
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I mean, first of all,
what is the friend zone
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and how do I get out of it?
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Well, the issue is
some men put themselves
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in the friend zone
from the beginning.
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Yes.
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They come and they
say, "Hi, how are you doing?
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Hey, do you wanna eat this?"
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Or something like that,
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and they just
continue to be your friend.
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Three weeks
passed, four weeks passed,
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turns into a
couple of months, a year.
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And after a while,
the female feels like,
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"Well, he just
wants to be my friend.
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He's not interested."
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And we're not gonna
put ourselves out there
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and say, "Well, I,
kind of, like you,"
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if he's just
trying to be my friend.
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So by the time I put
him in the friend zone
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and move on to someone else,
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he wants to approach me
and I'm like, "But you told me
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you only wanted
to be my friend."
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Okay, so here I am in that zone.
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I've been a year, just
kind of being friends with you.
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Back in my head,
I really like you
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but haven't said anything.
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How do I jump over that hurdle
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and get out of that friend zone?
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Just jump the
hurdle, like, seriously.
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I mean, I think
some guys, most guys...
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I mean, I know, they
just stay in the friend zone
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because they are
there in the friend zone.
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Like, they don't
take any initiative.
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A woman likes a man
who'll take initiative.
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You know, you're there
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because you have
not made yourself clear.
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So how are we supposed to know?
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We're not mind... I
mean contrary to what,
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you know, what
everybody believes,
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we do not read minds, you know.
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Yeah.
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But I will say that how you jump
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is just as important as jumping.
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Okay.
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Sometimes, guys do
too much to the point
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where women are
like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
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Like, I know, you know, guys
when woman comes on too strong,
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that can be a turn off
for, you know, for a guy.
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And the same thing if
it's true about a woman.
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We've been friends,
I've seen you in alumna,
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you see me with my
hair tie on and, you know.
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And you had your
guard down a little bit
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but then all of a sudden,
you're like, "I love you.
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I want to marry you.
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You are the woman of my dreams."
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And it's just
like, "Whoa, too much."
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Too much, yeah. Too much.
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Okay, so there's a
difference between just, okay,
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jumping over the
hurdle immediately.
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I mean, so
you're kind of saying,
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you kind of have to
gradually move from...
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Ease yourself
in, yeah. Okay, okay.
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Like for
instance, you know, I know,
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we've been friends for a while.
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And I really know
things about you that,
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you know I think are
awesome and attractive.
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And I really wanna
maybe take it a little further
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and see if we can
get to know each other
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or maybe more than
just a friendship level.
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Right, right.
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I'm so happy I don't have to
worry about this stuff anymore.
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This leaves the beginning
part. Happy I'm married.
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Man, all right. So
it's a lot of stuff here.
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So, okay, first off,
getting out the friend zone,
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take a
gradual... Or first of all,
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you said, be direct.
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Yes, definitely.
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Whatever you want,
say what you want, okay,
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and mean what you want.
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And then... Yeah, go ahead.
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And you can do
like a few small things
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such as buy a few roses.
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Maybe you buy a
rose for her birthday
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or just because,
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or if she's not feeling well,
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say, "Hey, do you want me
to bring you a cup of soup?"
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Or something like that
just to make yourself known
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and let it kind
of be obvious to her.
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"Oh, he's more
special than my other friends.
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He's doing more stuff
than what the others do."
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So kind of make
yourself standout
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but if you're only
doing the regular stuff up,
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"Oh, you're sick?
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I hope you feel better."
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Then you don't say
nothing else, and it's like,
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"Oh. Nothing special there."
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Right, okay. Paying
attention to detail.
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And you know, okay, this
is what I heard one time.
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Tell me if I'm, if
it's true or not, okay?
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Someone said that
instead of getting a woman
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12 bunches of
roses, or 12, you know,
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a dozen roses, I
guess, get her just one rose
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because it means that
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she's the one
single rose in your garden,
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you're thinking about.
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Is that...
That's kind of pretty.
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That's, I mean, she
likes that, I think.
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Yeah, I mean, yeah.
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But you all rather
more, a bunch of flowers,
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would you rather just
like couple of flowers.
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I guess it's too much sometimes.
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We're friends, yeah.
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I really think that's why
it's important to be friends...
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To know. To know what you like.
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I love flowers.
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And you know, I
love all kinds of flowers
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but I would say I would rather,
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you get me one of my
favorite type of flower
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which are tulips.
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Give me one tulip as
opposed to like 30 carnations.
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And I don't like
carnations. Okay, yeah.
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So... Gotta learn, yeah.
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Intentionality.
Okay, all right. Very good.
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And I always ask
this other question.
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What is the difference
between a boy and a man?
00:09:01.44\00:09:05.17
Mercy. Mercy.
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You do really
want us to go there.
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A man knows how to
handle responsibilities
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and a boy runs from them.
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Okay.
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A man knows what he
wants and he's not afraid
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to speak up regardless
of, you know, the obstacles.
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A boy he knows what he wants
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but he doesn't have
the courage to go for it.
00:09:25.39\00:09:29.50
I think a man is honest
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about where he is
and where he wants to go.
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He has goals, he knows
what he brings to the table.
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I read a book once
that was talking about
00:09:41.98\00:09:44.45
how the three Ps, Pursue...
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Profess, Protect and Provide.
00:09:48.52\00:09:50.85
And so I think when a
man is able to pursue you,
00:09:50.89\00:09:54.46
he's trying to protect you.
00:09:54.49\00:09:55.99
He's able to provide.
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He tells everybody,
00:09:57.93\00:09:59.26
"Hey, this is my girl.
I'm interested in her."
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Those are the things that
show a man as opposed to a boy.
00:10:01.10\00:10:03.97
Okay, all right.
00:10:04.00\00:10:05.33
Now, I'm gonna
put you on the spot.
00:10:05.37\00:10:06.70
I want you all
to give me a story.
00:10:06.74\00:10:08.07
Oh, snap!
00:10:08.10\00:10:09.90
Not to incriminate
anybody but just make it,
00:10:09.94\00:10:11.57
you know, pretty simple.
00:10:11.61\00:10:13.14
What is the worst thing
a guy has ever, you know,
00:10:13.17\00:10:15.81
done like the biggest turn off
00:10:15.84\00:10:17.18
that a guy may
ever done, you know?
00:10:17.21\00:10:19.41
So that really
just turned you off,
00:10:19.45\00:10:20.78
you said, man, that was
not what you should have did.
00:10:20.82\00:10:23.08
And I just mess it up.
00:10:23.12\00:10:24.45
All right, so I'm stalling
here as you all can think.
00:10:24.49\00:10:27.52
I have a million. Exactly.
00:10:27.56\00:10:30.79
One day, I was
leaving the library
00:10:30.83\00:10:32.59
backroom in Antigua.
00:10:32.63\00:10:34.46
Tells us where it is. Yes.
00:10:34.50\00:10:35.83
Okay. And this
guy, I don't know him.
00:10:35.86\00:10:39.00
I don't even know his
name up to this moment,
00:10:39.03\00:10:41.17
but he followed me up
the street just talking.
00:10:41.20\00:10:44.61
I never said a word.
00:10:44.64\00:10:46.17
He just kept on saying,
00:10:46.21\00:10:47.54
"Girl, da-da,
da-da, da-da, I like you."
00:10:47.58\00:10:50.65
And I'm like, "I
don't even know you."
00:10:50.68\00:10:52.55
And he followed
me up the street,
00:10:52.58\00:10:54.25
up the next street, and...
00:10:54.28\00:10:56.25
Stalker.
00:10:56.28\00:10:57.62
And he just kept on
talking, trying to see
00:10:57.65\00:11:00.12
if he could get my number,
00:11:00.16\00:11:01.49
if I wanted to go
on a date with him.
00:11:01.52\00:11:02.86
I'm like, "I don't know you.
00:11:02.89\00:11:04.23
Why are you talking to
me? Why are you following me?"
00:11:04.26\00:11:05.59
And I'm like, "I'm
sorry. I have to go."
00:11:05.63\00:11:06.96
And as I was leaving, he
told me a few indecent words
00:11:07.00\00:11:10.07
because I just walked
away and went to my father.
00:11:10.10\00:11:13.17
Okay, that's
definitely what not to be...
00:11:13.20\00:11:15.60
I have a couple.
00:11:15.64\00:11:17.54
A couple? Yeah.
00:11:17.57\00:11:19.57
One, I am not
chicken or an animal.
00:11:19.61\00:11:23.78
So you don't do that...
00:11:23.81\00:11:25.95
or, you know, trying to push up.
00:11:25.98\00:11:30.29
Like, what is that?
00:11:30.32\00:11:31.75
Like, yeah? I mean what?
00:11:31.79\00:11:34.79
I mean, trying to
grab your attention.
00:11:34.82\00:11:36.76
No, no.
00:11:36.79\00:11:38.13
And the idea of
someone following you
00:11:38.16\00:11:41.46
like all over the place.
00:11:41.50\00:11:42.93
And they're not saying anything.
00:11:42.96\00:11:44.77
And then, when
it's like they're trying
00:11:44.80\00:11:46.17
to gather up
courage to speak to you,
00:11:46.20\00:11:48.60
and then when they
finally do speak to you,
00:11:48.64\00:11:51.07
they just say
everything about themselves.
00:11:51.11\00:11:53.31
It's like they don't
even let you get a word
00:11:53.34\00:11:55.84
and it's, "What is that?"
00:11:55.88\00:11:57.21
Okay.
00:11:57.25\00:11:58.58
Yeah, or even
commenting about your...
00:11:58.61\00:11:59.95
I mean, it's one
thing to tell someone,
00:11:59.98\00:12:01.32
"Hey, you're beautiful."
00:12:01.35\00:12:02.68
But commenting
about someone's body,
00:12:02.72\00:12:06.32
it's borderline, creepy.
00:12:06.35\00:12:08.86
That's the stuff
that makes us call 911.
00:12:08.89\00:12:11.69
Yeah.
00:12:11.73\00:12:13.16
I've had a few...
00:12:13.19\00:12:16.36
Someone was trying to, I guess,
00:12:16.40\00:12:17.90
leave hints that they
were interested in me.
00:12:17.93\00:12:19.70
So they kept leaving notes
00:12:19.73\00:12:21.07
but in really
weird, creepy places.
00:12:21.10\00:12:23.84
And the writing was
like in child's handwriting.
00:12:23.87\00:12:27.01
And it was just, it was odd.
00:12:27.04\00:12:30.31
And then, I guess,
they brought me flowers
00:12:30.35\00:12:32.18
but it was like, you know,
00:12:32.21\00:12:33.55
the plastic ones
from the Dollar store.
00:12:33.58\00:12:35.68
And they were like laid out
00:12:35.72\00:12:37.29
in different
places in my office.
00:12:37.32\00:12:39.19
And it was weird.
00:12:39.22\00:12:41.29
You know, so just...
00:12:41.32\00:12:42.66
I've had some creepy things.
00:12:42.69\00:12:45.76
So be, you know, be intentional
00:12:45.79\00:12:47.73
but not in like a
creepy, weird way.
00:12:47.76\00:12:49.40
Okay.
00:12:49.43\00:12:50.77
And let me go
back to the beginning,
00:12:50.80\00:12:52.43
'cause I don't know,
00:12:52.47\00:12:53.80
I'm trying to ask
questions that guys will ask.
00:12:53.84\00:12:55.17
Will you want a guy
to come and just say,
00:12:55.20\00:12:57.51
"I like you," in so
many words, you know.
00:12:57.54\00:12:59.11
I mean, or would you rather him
00:12:59.14\00:13:00.48
just kind of
hint it through out.
00:13:00.51\00:13:01.84
You know, 'cause I mean,
that was kind of, I mean,
00:13:01.88\00:13:03.21
he was trying to
hint it to you maybe.
00:13:03.24\00:13:04.58
Do you think... It
feels little creepy.
00:13:04.61\00:13:05.95
Okay, fine.
00:13:05.98\00:13:07.32
But, look,
she's giving me, guys.
00:13:07.35\00:13:08.68
Look she's giving me.
00:13:08.72\00:13:10.39
Yeah, for a bit. Creepy.
00:13:10.42\00:13:12.05
Definitely creepy.
00:13:12.09\00:13:13.79
Child's handwriting? Okay, okay.
00:13:13.82\00:13:15.99
But you also
know what I'm saying.
00:13:16.02\00:13:17.36
Would you want someone to
just come out and just say,
00:13:17.39\00:13:18.73
you know, "Hey, I like you."
00:13:18.76\00:13:20.10
You know, "I like
to get to know you."
00:13:20.13\00:13:21.83
You know, because sometimes,
that's the trouble with guys.
00:13:21.86\00:13:24.73
We don't really know
how to really let you know
00:13:24.77\00:13:27.54
that we like you, you know.
00:13:27.57\00:13:29.64
I think that's a sign
of confidence, you know,
00:13:29.67\00:13:34.84
but there's a difference
between confidence and cocky.
00:13:34.88\00:13:38.08
Yeah, it's very thin line.
00:13:38.11\00:13:41.38
Confidence that
you recognize that
00:13:41.42\00:13:44.05
this is
something worth pursuing,
00:13:44.09\00:13:45.99
like, we're worth pursuing.
00:13:46.02\00:13:47.56
We have value.
00:13:47.59\00:13:49.56
But not being too
cocky to the point of,
00:13:49.59\00:13:51.89
you're not giving me
any choice like, I have...
00:13:51.93\00:13:54.16
It's my life, I can
decide whether to accept or not.
00:13:54.20\00:13:58.60
So, yeah, be upfront.
00:13:58.63\00:14:01.74
I think, I don't
if you will all agree,
00:14:01.77\00:14:04.47
but I would rather
someone who's just upfront
00:14:04.51\00:14:08.01
and says exactly what they want,
00:14:08.04\00:14:10.68
rather than trying to hint.
00:14:10.71\00:14:12.58
Sometimes the hints
don't go down too well.
00:14:12.61\00:14:15.25
Okay.
00:14:15.28\00:14:16.62
I don't want
'cause I want you...
00:14:16.65\00:14:17.99
You can maybe put it
in because you all say
00:14:18.02\00:14:19.79
it's gonna be a long program.
00:14:19.82\00:14:21.42
We have a lot of
questions to get through.
00:14:21.46\00:14:22.79
I wanna ask you
all this real quick.
00:14:22.82\00:14:24.16
This is important.
00:14:24.19\00:14:25.53
Why should women
know what they want
00:14:25.56\00:14:26.90
before they go
to the dating field?
00:14:26.93\00:14:30.23
Well, I think
that kind of tie them
00:14:30.27\00:14:31.87
what I was going to say, yeah.
00:14:31.90\00:14:33.57
You know, I...
00:14:33.60\00:14:35.57
Being somebody who's
in a leadership position,
00:14:35.60\00:14:37.97
I mean, a lot of times
people will approach me
00:14:38.01\00:14:40.14
because they like the
leadership qualities or...
00:14:40.18\00:14:43.55
And I'm thinking one
program we have talked about
00:14:43.58\00:14:45.05
the man's desire to
conquer or to pursue.
00:14:45.08\00:14:48.38
And so sometimes,
you know, it can be,
00:14:48.42\00:14:50.15
well, I like you for
what I see or, you know,
00:14:50.19\00:14:53.32
that leadership but I
have somebody approach me.
00:14:53.36\00:14:56.09
And they kind of
said, well, you know,
00:14:56.12\00:14:57.56
I know you're a chaplain.
00:14:57.59\00:14:58.93
I know you're a pastor.
00:14:58.96\00:15:00.30
But I'm not
trying to get to know
00:15:00.33\00:15:02.46
just the pastor, just that.
00:15:02.50\00:15:03.83
I wanna get to know you for Kim.
00:15:03.87\00:15:05.20
I wanna get to know
you for who you are.
00:15:05.23\00:15:06.94
They are very direct
and very straightforward.
00:15:06.97\00:15:09.64
And I was at a place in my life
00:15:09.67\00:15:12.17
where I had
gotten tired of the grey.
00:15:12.21\00:15:14.24
Well, I think you're okay
but I like her and I like her.
00:15:14.28\00:15:16.85
Well, I just
wanna see where it goes
00:15:16.88\00:15:18.21
depending on where it goes.
00:15:18.25\00:15:19.58
So at the time I
knew what I wanted,
00:15:19.61\00:15:21.38
so I was able to
receive that directness.
00:15:21.42\00:15:24.65
And so you have
to know what you want
00:15:24.69\00:15:26.65
so that when
somebody who brings or offers
00:15:26.69\00:15:29.06
what you want comes along,
00:15:29.09\00:15:30.43
you're in a place to receive it.
00:15:30.46\00:15:31.79
Okay.
00:15:31.83\00:15:33.16
I think it's also
important to know exactly
00:15:33.19\00:15:34.53
what you want because then it...
00:15:34.56\00:15:36.77
You're not playing with
other people's emotions,
00:15:36.80\00:15:40.17
you know.
00:15:40.20\00:15:42.57
We have...
00:15:42.60\00:15:44.27
As human beings,
we have the capacity
00:15:44.31\00:15:46.01
to hurt and or to heal.
00:15:46.04\00:15:49.68
So I would say, know
exactly what you want
00:15:49.71\00:15:53.21
so that just as you
do not want to be hurt,
00:15:53.25\00:15:55.62
you do not do
the same for others.
00:15:55.65\00:15:57.69
Okay. Yeah.
00:15:57.72\00:15:59.05
I would add, it's also important
00:15:59.09\00:16:00.42
to know yourself.
00:16:00.46\00:16:01.89
And also know the
things that you've been through
00:16:01.92\00:16:04.16
because some women are
prone to get an abusive person
00:16:04.19\00:16:08.36
or get a person that's going
to steal from them, hurt them,
00:16:08.40\00:16:11.87
belittle them or it's
just doesn't complement them.
00:16:11.90\00:16:16.14
And if you don't
deal with that fact of,
00:16:16.17\00:16:18.07
"Okay, I grew up in abusive home
00:16:18.11\00:16:20.64
so I'm prone to
want an abusive person,"
00:16:20.68\00:16:23.31
then if you don't know this,
00:16:23.35\00:16:25.08
you're gonna set yourself
up and repeat the cycle.
00:16:25.11\00:16:27.42
Yeah, and that's kind of
what used to frustrate me.
00:16:27.45\00:16:29.12
And I see, you know,
wonderful women or, you know,
00:16:29.15\00:16:31.45
she's in
relationship with someone
00:16:31.49\00:16:32.82
who really
didn't treat her well.
00:16:32.85\00:16:34.19
And that's kind
of the next question,
00:16:34.22\00:16:35.56
why do women
compromise, you know?
00:16:35.59\00:16:37.76
Why do they seem
to, I guess say settle
00:16:37.79\00:16:40.46
or compromise in the
men that they really want.
00:16:40.50\00:16:43.97
So forth, they
don't value themselves.
00:16:44.00\00:16:46.84
They don't see themselves
as women that deserve better.
00:16:46.87\00:16:50.94
And that also could stem
from how they were raised.
00:16:50.97\00:16:53.58
If their daddy didn't say
00:16:53.61\00:16:55.08
you're beautiful,
you're worth this.
00:16:55.11\00:16:57.11
If you didn't go on a
little daddy dates with her
00:16:57.15\00:17:00.05
and just really
uplift her, or even based on
00:17:00.08\00:17:02.85
how she was treated in school,
00:17:02.88\00:17:04.35
if the girls said
mean things to her.
00:17:04.39\00:17:07.89
She didn't come to this
point where she realized,
00:17:07.92\00:17:10.53
"I'm a woman that deserves a man
00:17:10.56\00:17:13.13
that's gonna treat me like
how God wants him to treat me."
00:17:13.16\00:17:16.60
And because they
don't have that mentality,
00:17:16.63\00:17:18.93
they will accept
anything that comes their way
00:17:18.97\00:17:21.70
or even the issue of,
00:17:21.74\00:17:23.30
"Well, there's so
many women in the world
00:17:23.34\00:17:24.97
and not enough good men.
00:17:25.01\00:17:26.37
So, hey, as long as
I get a man, I'm good."
00:17:26.41\00:17:30.31
I think it's also,
00:17:30.35\00:17:31.68
part of it stemming
into the deserving part.
00:17:31.71\00:17:35.02
Some women feel like this
00:17:35.05\00:17:36.38
because they've made
mistakes in their lives
00:17:36.42\00:17:38.62
that that means
that they have to settle
00:17:38.65\00:17:42.56
or compromise when your...
00:17:42.59\00:17:45.83
It's like, for
example, I can take $100 bill.
00:17:45.86\00:17:50.47
I can stomp on it,
muddy it, you know,
00:17:50.50\00:17:53.77
run over it with a
car, and crumple it.
00:17:53.80\00:17:56.81
It does not change the
value of that $100 bill.
00:17:56.84\00:18:00.61
And I think what
viewers need to recognize,
00:18:00.64\00:18:03.18
all the women need to recognize
is, your past is your past.
00:18:03.21\00:18:07.42
You can, as of
today, you can choose
00:18:07.45\00:18:10.79
to move and accept your
worth as you have it in God.
00:18:10.82\00:18:15.62
And that does not mean
00:18:15.66\00:18:17.19
that you have to settle
for something that isn't...
00:18:17.23\00:18:20.16
You have every right to
ask and accept, you know,
00:18:20.20\00:18:26.03
high standards, because
that's what God created you,
00:18:26.07\00:18:29.04
who God created you to be.
00:18:29.07\00:18:31.04
So don't settle, you
know, you are valuable.
00:18:31.07\00:18:35.01
You deserve the best.
00:18:35.04\00:18:37.85
Yeah, at least
we could do it, Kim.
00:18:37.88\00:18:39.21
You know, and
that's really the thing,
00:18:39.25\00:18:40.58
because lot of times, you know,
00:18:40.62\00:18:41.95
at least what I've
seen women begin to get old,
00:18:41.98\00:18:43.45
they begin to panic, you know,
00:18:43.49\00:18:44.82
and that's kind of what I
think Kim's gonna go with it.
00:18:44.85\00:18:47.02
Yeah, I was gonna say
the fear of singleness.
00:18:47.06\00:18:49.79
I think that there is
a stigma on being single.
00:18:49.82\00:18:53.26
That if you're not married,
00:18:53.29\00:18:54.73
if you're not in a relationship,
00:18:54.76\00:18:56.10
something must be wrong
with you or you're bad or,
00:18:56.13\00:18:58.27
you know, you need to
hurry up and get married.
00:18:58.30\00:18:59.97
And so, you know,
speaking as someone
00:19:00.00\00:19:02.07
who was in an
abusive relationship,
00:19:02.10\00:19:05.21
you know, I saw the red flags,
00:19:05.24\00:19:07.48
I knew the red flags
were there but I was so afraid
00:19:07.51\00:19:10.65
that if I called
off the engagement,
00:19:10.68\00:19:12.88
if I broke up with the
guy, what would people say?
00:19:12.91\00:19:16.08
What would my church think?
What would my family think?
00:19:16.12\00:19:19.19
What would
everybody on Facebook think?
00:19:19.22\00:19:21.69
And I was letting
all of these people down.
00:19:21.72\00:19:23.69
So I prolonged a situation
that I could have gotten
00:19:23.73\00:19:28.06
free from a long time ago,
00:19:28.10\00:19:29.43
but I was caught up
in what society says
00:19:29.46\00:19:33.03
about being single
or about, you know,
00:19:33.07\00:19:35.07
walking away from relationships
that aren't healthy.
00:19:35.10\00:19:38.07
And that for me, was a
lesson that was also for me,
00:19:38.11\00:19:40.84
one of those places
where I had to step back
00:19:40.88\00:19:42.28
and say, take a look at
myself and say, what do I want?
00:19:42.31\00:19:45.25
And what things
in me are, you know,
00:19:45.28\00:19:47.95
do I need to be careful of some?
00:19:47.98\00:19:49.52
Okay.
00:19:49.55\00:19:50.89
So now, in thinking about
that, what does sex or intimacy,
00:19:50.92\00:19:55.29
what part does
that play in shaping
00:19:55.32\00:19:57.73
what you want as a woman?
00:19:57.76\00:19:59.66
I think the introduction
of sex into a relationship
00:19:59.69\00:20:03.03
can just muddle the waters.
00:20:03.06\00:20:05.23
It just brings
in another dynamic
00:20:05.27\00:20:07.87
that would just
cloud judgments basically
00:20:07.90\00:20:11.64
because you're bringing
into the relationship something
00:20:11.67\00:20:15.14
that is going to make
you not see the person
00:20:15.18\00:20:19.58
for who they really are.
00:20:19.61\00:20:20.98
You're introducing
something that's far be going
00:20:21.02\00:20:22.95
to fill physical
needs at the expense of
00:20:22.98\00:20:28.19
just allowing you to see
the person for who they are.
00:20:28.22\00:20:30.93
So for example,
it'll interfere with
00:20:30.96\00:20:33.09
what you really want in a man.
00:20:33.13\00:20:34.46
You want a kind, gentle,
attentive man in your life.
00:20:34.50\00:20:40.80
But when you
introduce sex, sometimes maybe
00:20:40.84\00:20:44.61
what you're craving
at that point is someone
00:20:44.64\00:20:46.57
who'll just
understand why you're crying.
00:20:46.61\00:20:48.98
Oh, you had a really bad day,
00:20:49.01\00:20:50.78
but his solution or
both your solutions will be
00:20:50.81\00:20:54.28
to just jump into bed
which is not going to solve
00:20:54.32\00:20:57.02
the core of your problem.
00:20:57.05\00:20:58.42
Yeah, so it's just
bringing in another dynamic
00:20:58.45\00:21:01.16
that you really don't want.
00:21:01.19\00:21:02.69
You don't want, okay. Yeah.
00:21:02.72\00:21:04.06
And I think the
idea is don't trade sex
00:21:04.09\00:21:07.16
for what you really want.
00:21:07.20\00:21:08.66
If you really want affection,
00:21:08.70\00:21:11.37
if you really want quality time,
00:21:11.40\00:21:13.77
if you really want flowers,
then say that's what you want.
00:21:13.80\00:21:18.21
But don't trade, don't use sex
00:21:18.24\00:21:20.21
as a weapon of mass destruction.
00:21:20.24\00:21:24.25
All right, use that
00:21:24.28\00:21:25.61
as something to
get what you want.
00:21:25.65\00:21:26.98
Okay.
00:21:27.02\00:21:28.35
And anything worth
having is worth waiting for.
00:21:28.38\00:21:30.19
And I think, for
us women, it's almost
00:21:30.22\00:21:32.69
as if we get to a
certain point in a relationship,
00:21:32.72\00:21:34.99
and it's like, "Okay,
00:21:35.02\00:21:36.49
maybe he has all the
qualities that I want,
00:21:36.52\00:21:39.39
but he's not reciprocating."
00:21:39.43\00:21:41.66
So we somehow feel
like we have to settle
00:21:41.70\00:21:45.23
and do more, work harder.
00:21:45.27\00:21:48.04
So we'll probably give
it up and then hoping that
00:21:48.07\00:21:51.37
that will kind of change
00:21:51.41\00:21:52.74
the dynamics in the relationship
00:21:52.77\00:21:54.11
when in essence, what it does,
it's just make things worse.
00:21:54.14\00:21:56.85
But, you know, honestly,
00:21:56.88\00:21:58.21
I think the
reason I'm touching this,
00:21:58.25\00:21:59.75
as you know that some
women, they do want the sex,
00:21:59.78\00:22:02.72
that's what they what,
you know, so how's that...
00:22:02.75\00:22:05.55
Yeah, can we be honest.
00:22:05.59\00:22:07.29
Some women actually do want sex.
00:22:07.32\00:22:09.99
Not some women, all of us. Yeah.
00:22:10.03\00:22:13.13
No, no, no 'cause
we are... No, yeah.
00:22:13.16\00:22:15.00
We are all sexual
beings. Right. Right.
00:22:15.03\00:22:17.23
Thank you. Yeah, yeah.
00:22:17.27\00:22:18.60
So some women,
they already have a man.
00:22:18.63\00:22:21.30
And they're saying, "Okay,
he's tall, he's handsome."
00:22:21.34\00:22:26.31
Fine.
00:22:26.34\00:22:27.68
He play basketball,
soccer, so that means
00:22:27.71\00:22:29.84
he have a little bit of stamina.
00:22:29.88\00:22:32.38
I see.
00:22:32.41\00:22:33.75
We went there.
00:22:33.78\00:22:35.12
It's true. Let's be honest.
00:22:35.15\00:22:36.48
Some women do look at them
00:22:36.52\00:22:38.15
and they see these
certain characteristics
00:22:38.19\00:22:40.06
and they're like, "Well,
I don't wanna be unhappy,
00:22:40.09\00:22:43.46
I wanna be happy in marriage
00:22:43.49\00:22:45.69
if that's what
they're looking for."
00:22:45.73\00:22:47.60
And let's just be
honest, women want sex too.
00:22:47.63\00:22:50.37
So, okay.
00:22:50.40\00:22:51.73
In that, in saying
that, being honestly,
00:22:51.77\00:22:53.34
I think you all
have been honest.
00:22:53.37\00:22:55.64
That can definitely...
00:22:55.67\00:22:57.01
You say muddle
the waters because now
00:22:57.04\00:22:59.27
you have kind of
connected yourself with someone.
00:22:59.31\00:23:01.28
So how hard has it been
00:23:01.31\00:23:02.64
once you connects
yourself with somebody
00:23:02.68\00:23:04.41
who you sexually wanted?
00:23:04.45\00:23:06.25
How hard is it to break
away or even be able to look,
00:23:06.28\00:23:10.29
really look at them and say,
00:23:10.32\00:23:11.65
"Well, really this is
not what I want, you know."
00:23:11.69\00:23:13.66
Well, I think that's
where boundaries come in,
00:23:13.69\00:23:16.73
I'm setting boundaries,
making sure you're clear,
00:23:16.76\00:23:19.96
knowing, you know, that
you're sexual being knowing,
00:23:20.00\00:23:23.03
you know, what your boundaries
and just set boundaries.
00:23:23.06\00:23:25.33
But I think like I
said the clear part is
00:23:25.37\00:23:27.84
get to know somebody so
that you can understand that,
00:23:27.87\00:23:30.91
that you guys
want similar thing.
00:23:30.94\00:23:33.07
You guys have the same values
and those kinds of things.
00:23:33.11\00:23:35.94
And then once
you get to that place
00:23:35.98\00:23:37.31
when you get married,
00:23:37.35\00:23:38.68
then that will
make the sex even better
00:23:38.71\00:23:41.48
because you laid this
foundation of pursuing,
00:23:41.52\00:23:45.25
this foundation
of wooing and dating
00:23:45.29\00:23:47.66
which should be fun and exciting
00:23:47.69\00:23:49.36
and wonderful
and not complicated.
00:23:49.39\00:23:51.79
Yeah, okay.
00:23:51.83\00:23:53.16
You know, honestly for
some women, it is hard,
00:23:53.19\00:23:55.23
just as hard for them
as the men are to break off
00:23:55.26\00:23:58.70
from having sex, I
think it sometimes goes down
00:23:58.73\00:24:01.37
to the whole
chemical release that happens
00:24:01.40\00:24:03.24
when you're having sex
that creates that bond,
00:24:03.27\00:24:05.37
it messes up with your
mind like some addiction.
00:24:05.41\00:24:07.64
So you get connected
to this gentleman or boy
00:24:07.68\00:24:10.95
in some situations
and you wanna break free,
00:24:10.98\00:24:14.25
but sex is good.
00:24:14.28\00:24:15.62
Yeah. Yeah.
00:24:15.65\00:24:16.99
But I think it's also
important for us to mention that
00:24:17.02\00:24:19.35
even though you may be
in a relationship right now
00:24:19.39\00:24:22.16
where you've already given it up
00:24:22.19\00:24:23.83
or you're having sex, and
you want something better.
00:24:23.86\00:24:28.30
We should not be afraid to say,
00:24:28.33\00:24:30.27
"You know what,
right now, I want better
00:24:30.30\00:24:32.90
'cause we do deserve it."
00:24:32.93\00:24:34.27
And I don't think
we can say that enough.
00:24:34.30\00:24:36.30
We deserve better.
00:24:36.34\00:24:38.64
You deserve, it does not
matter you are a child of God,
00:24:38.67\00:24:42.54
you deserve better.
00:24:42.58\00:24:44.75
Yes, because we are worth it.
00:24:44.78\00:24:47.02
God created us to be awesome,
00:24:47.05\00:24:48.88
to be powerful, to
be valued, you know.
00:24:48.92\00:24:52.65
And every time we give someone
the opportunity to devalue us,
00:24:52.69\00:24:57.29
it does not...
00:24:57.33\00:24:58.86
I think we rob
them of the opportunity
00:24:58.89\00:25:02.26
to be as better,
00:25:02.30\00:25:04.60
as good as what God
created them to be, you know.
00:25:04.63\00:25:07.74
So we should
walk in that knowledge
00:25:07.77\00:25:09.77
and in that
confidence that we deserve it.
00:25:09.80\00:25:12.94
We deserve it.
00:25:12.97\00:25:14.31
And really, you
know, to speak for the men,
00:25:14.34\00:25:15.68
the men deserves as well.
00:25:15.71\00:25:17.05
Yes, yes.
00:25:17.08\00:25:18.41
Okay, hold on,
this is about the women.
00:25:18.45\00:25:19.81
You forget about
the women though.
00:25:19.85\00:25:22.52
We need to have another...
00:25:22.55\00:25:23.89
We need to have,
yeah, definitely.
00:25:23.92\00:25:25.85
All right. Go ahead, Kim.
00:25:25.89\00:25:27.22
But I was gonna
say that, you know,
00:25:27.26\00:25:28.89
I think it's important...
00:25:28.92\00:25:30.26
Women want men
who want to give us
00:25:30.29\00:25:32.29
what we want.
00:25:32.33\00:25:33.66
And ultimately those
wants need to be centered
00:25:33.70\00:25:36.46
and directed in Christ.
00:25:36.50\00:25:37.83
And I think
sometimes, society can mess
00:25:37.87\00:25:39.87
that image up in our minds.
00:25:39.90\00:25:42.27
Okay, we may have to
go little more into that.
00:25:42.30\00:25:43.64
Let's, well, let's talk
about society real quickly
00:25:43.67\00:25:45.17
a few more minutes here.
00:25:45.21\00:25:46.94
What role has TV
played in shaping
00:25:46.98\00:25:50.15
the idea what a
woman wants in a man?
00:25:50.18\00:25:52.31
What she want.
00:25:52.35\00:25:54.22
Well, you know,
media will have everybody.
00:25:54.25\00:25:58.62
Men believe that women
are only interested in a guy
00:25:58.65\00:26:01.42
who is fine, who has a good...
00:26:01.46\00:26:03.76
who has a well
paid job, you know,
00:26:03.79\00:26:07.10
who has money, drives a car.
00:26:07.13\00:26:09.43
I think at the
core of every woman
00:26:09.46\00:26:11.87
is the need for security.
00:26:11.90\00:26:14.00
If you can provide the security
that she does not have to...
00:26:14.04\00:26:17.14
I mean, she is...
00:26:17.17\00:26:18.67
You, I guess, affirm
for her, her value in life.
00:26:18.71\00:26:24.18
I don't think that,
00:26:24.21\00:26:26.85
that would be a bad
thing a place to start.
00:26:26.88\00:26:29.25
Yeah. Yeah.
00:26:29.28\00:26:30.62
And I was gonna say, I mean,
things like different TV shows
00:26:30.65\00:26:33.79
that, you know, have
these guys, you know,
00:26:33.82\00:26:35.82
wooing women and throwing
money at their feet, you know,
00:26:35.86\00:26:39.06
all these different
things can really distort
00:26:39.09\00:26:40.90
that image in our minds
'cause the Bible tells us
00:26:40.93\00:26:44.03
to lay up our
treasures in heaven
00:26:44.07\00:26:46.50
and things that
won't rot or fade away.
00:26:46.53\00:26:49.14
And so we as woman,
00:26:49.17\00:26:50.51
if we get caught up
in those fantasy men,
00:26:50.54\00:26:52.97
then when good men come
along, we start to confuse
00:26:53.01\00:26:56.91
or distort those pictures,
we can't recognize them.
00:26:56.95\00:26:59.55
So, you know, just I
thing check those balances
00:26:59.58\00:27:02.38
against what TV media
says with what the Word says.
00:27:02.42\00:27:05.15
Okay.
00:27:05.19\00:27:06.52
And the truth of the
man that is before you,
00:27:06.55\00:27:09.59
the man that is before
you could be the person
00:27:09.62\00:27:11.29
that God has for you
00:27:11.33\00:27:12.93
but you're so blinded
by what media will have you
00:27:12.96\00:27:15.73
believe a real man should
be that you don't recognize
00:27:15.76\00:27:18.70
the good that is
right in front of your eyes.
00:27:18.73\00:27:21.14
Okay. All right, thank you.
00:27:21.17\00:27:22.50
And we could
really go on and on.
00:27:22.54\00:27:23.87
We may have to do a
second part to this.
00:27:23.91\00:27:26.51
I need to bring some
ammunition out with me.
00:27:26.54\00:27:28.01
I need another
brother to argue with me.
00:27:28.04\00:27:29.88
But let's close with a
text that was given to me
00:27:29.91\00:27:31.41
by one of the ladies here.
00:27:31.45\00:27:32.85
It says, Psalms 37:4.
00:27:32.88\00:27:34.95
It says, "Delight
yourself in the Lord,
00:27:34.98\00:27:36.45
and He will give you
the desires of your heart."
00:27:36.48\00:27:40.22
So you all gave me this text.
00:27:40.26\00:27:41.59
So I think if the
women take that advice,
00:27:41.62\00:27:43.43
God will give you the
desires of your heart.
00:27:43.46\00:27:45.13
Again we're gonna try
to have a part two to this,
00:27:45.16\00:27:46.90
so we can talk a little
more about what women want.
00:27:46.93\00:27:48.90
So listen in,
men and the ladies,
00:27:48.93\00:27:50.97
so we can keep this
discussion going on.
00:27:51.00\00:27:52.63
Thank you all. You
all did a good job.
00:27:52.73\00:27:54.07
Remember to
always make Pure Choices.
00:27:54.10\00:27:56.57
God bless you. Have a good day.
00:27:56.60\00:27:58.04