The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Hello and
welcome to Pure Choices.
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I'm your host
Pastor Joshua Nelson
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and we have an interesting
and fun one for you today.
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We're talking about flirting.
The title is "Holy Attraction."
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So how should a man or a woman
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really attract
someone or their mate to them?
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What's the right
way of going about it?
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Should you use flirting?
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Should you use other gimmicks
to get somebody to be with you?
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We're gonna talk about it
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and find out
exactly what you should do.
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But of course, before
we can go into the subject,
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let's talk to the one who
can guide this discussion,
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Jesus, let's pray.
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Heavenly Father, we thank
you so much for this moment.
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This time that we can
discuss these important issues,
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we ask that Your
Spirit would guide us
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as we talk about these things
in Jesus name we pray, amen.
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Amen.
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All right, to my left I
have Miss Kimberly Pearson,
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who is the associate
chaplain at Oakwood University.
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So glad she is here.
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Also we have
Vaughn Edmeade who is,
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starting on his master's
over at Oakwood University,
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happy that he's here.
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Next we have Dr. Jeanne
Mogusu who is recent graduate
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of Andrews University in
Berrien Springs Michigan.
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And then we have our
pastor, Pastor K.P. Douglas
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who is the pastor of
two churches out there
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in southeast Missouri
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and, of course,
I'm Pastor Nelson,
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pastoring two
churches in South Carolina
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with the South
Atlantic Conference.
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So we are excited
that we can be here
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and discuss this
topic of holy attraction.
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Now we want to really,
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by the end of
this discussion today,
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really give
some practical things
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of how a young man or young lady
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can attract the
opposite sex, okay.
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But let's begin with
how we often have done it.
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Okay.
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And again, I don't
know, what is wrong with that
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but flirting, right?
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Most people know how to flirt.
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I'll say that I've
done my share of flirting.
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Oh, yeah, I know it's
hard to believe, all right.
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So is flirting bad?
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Let's just go
ahead and start there.
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Is flirting wrong? Is it bad?
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What you guys think?
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I don't know, if I will
say flirting is good or bad,
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I think, you know, maybe
there are degrees of flirting.
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I know for
myself it is something
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that's come natural.
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It's a more of a
personality thing,
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you know, sometimes I
just find myself talking,
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some times I am flirting
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and I have no
idea that I'm flirting
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until I get that mean look
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50 minutes later like seriously,
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did you have to say that to her,
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you know, that's all.
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At sometimes, you don't know,
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so I don't know if it's
a good or a bad thing...
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Sorry to... because y'all...
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But can we define
flirting real quick?
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Just so we kind of know, yeah,
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so, just to make
kinda clear what it could be
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and maybe there's
different definition,
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so you want continue
maybe define real quick?
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What do you think it is?
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Flirting is being friendly
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with the intention of
having somebody notice you.
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I think it is
the only way I can.
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Okay, all right.
Jeanne, how would you define?
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I don't know but
it's with the intention
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of somebody can know you,
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I think it's
sometimes just a person,
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I don't know, I don't even
know that they've got flirting,
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'cause if it
was not intentional,
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then why would it be bad?
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I don't know. I don't know.
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I don't know.
Okay, all right, Vaughn.
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So I think that
flirting is really a matter
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of two people communicating
and within that communication,
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you know, you begin to
pick up on attractions,
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I don't think it's
necessarily always intentional
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but you do start to notice that
there might be an interaction
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of some sort, on some level,
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you know, even if
it's just a minute level.
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Okay, all right, Kim.
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I think it's like
Pseudo sexual communication.
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It's kind of like
those sexual undertones
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but it's kind of playful,
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I think it's a
way of communicating.
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So I don't know if necessarily
it can be right or wrong
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but just it's a way
people who are attracted
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to each other communicate.
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Well, that was actually
a pretty good definition.
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That actually,
the actual definition,
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you know, playfully romantic,
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you know, gestures that you make
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towards someone so
the after it has to do
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with romantic
play being playful,
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sexual is part of it as well.
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So all those
that things together
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is going to be
defined as flirting.
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So knowing that
is that something
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that we should be doing
or is it just part of it,
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just kind of natural.
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Here we go.
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Is flirting like inherently bad?
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I don't know if it's bad.
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I would say that it's something
that depends on the context,
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you know, I am gonna
be real, there were times
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when I'm flirting and
I know I should not be.
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You know, I am just being real
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and there are times
where I am flirting as innocent
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and like I said
earlier there're times
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when I'm
flirting and I don't know
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until afterwards I'm told.
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You know, and I
immediately think
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of those times where,
you know, I'm somewhere
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and there's a girl and
she's real good looking
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and I'm gonna look at her
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until she makes eye
contact with me to know
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that I am looking at her
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and I notice her, you
know, what I am saying.
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Now that right there to me
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is uncalled for and unnecessary,
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'cause I have no
intention of talking to her.
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I just want her to
simply know that, you know...
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Know that she know. She's hot.
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And maybe she'll be
thinking about it like,
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"Wow, you know, he
noticed me, you know."
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Which has, there's no
good intention behind that.
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So I think, you know,
it's definitely contextual.
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Okay, anybody
else gonna add on me,
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is it wrong, is it bad?
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Knowing the definition now,
Jane, come on now talk with me.
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And I'll let you off the
hook. You mean, Pseudo sexual.
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Overtures. Play for overtures.
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No, I mean I think,
I think it's very easy
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for someone to be mislabeled
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as being intentionally flirting,
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I agree with Korey, sometimes
we just don't even know...
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You feel that
you've been mislabeled?
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Sometimes we don't even
know that you are flirting.
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You know, and it just could be
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that you're a really
genuinely nice person
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who likes to affirm people,
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but some people
will take it personally.
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That's true, the point, yeah.
I mean, seriously I could say.
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"Hey, Korey, you
look really nice."
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Or, "Hi, Vaughn,
today that shirt looks
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really good on you." Thank you.
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And I don't mean anything,
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you know, any, any, I
don't mean any thing...
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But wait, you said it looks good
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on you, not you.
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Now something
when I just wear it,
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would it look good?
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Well, Joshua, maybe the shirt
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that you're wearing
is a very nice shirt.
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I just find you're
flirting behind that...
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But here is the
difference, it's the context.
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I can say "Korey, I
really like that shirt."
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Or, "Korey, Korey, nice shirt."
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I'm just saying.
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You know, and so I
think especially as women
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we are very good at subtleties.
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Oh, wow.
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We are very good at
taking those small little things
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with our eyes,
with our tone, with our,
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you know, and just
making it just a little more,
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to let the guy know
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I just want you
to know that I know.
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Which would be
similar to Korey's looking?
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Yes. Okay, he's scared now.
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I would say, I say it's a woman.
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I think that's just
what we do as humans.
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Like well, we want people
to know that we notice them.
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We're gonna let
them know, you know.
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Okay, so going
kind back to where,
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trying to keep this whole
thing with holy attraction,
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you know, what is
really behind that?
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Because, I mean,
we, like you say,
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we're okay to
flirt with somebody
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who we don't even
intend to really be with, okay.
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But we still kind of
have something in us that,
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you know, even that
whole stare down thing,
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we want them to kind of
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not only you notice
that we notice them,
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but we want them to
notice us, you know.
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So is that kind of
behind flirting as well,
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what do you think?
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I came up with like
my own theory years ago
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and what I notice
is that for us fellows
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we like to conquer, right?
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And so one of the
things, one of the ways
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that we find
ourselves in trouble often
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is that even if we find
ourselves with somebody,
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sometimes we just like to
know that if we wanted to,
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we could be able to get
with somebody else, right?
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We just have to like
this complex and truthfully,
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you know, I feel
like, it even stumps
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back to the Bible days,
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you look at that
some one just strokes
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that these guys had
and with women, right?
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You know, and so
what happens I think
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and this is where self-control
needs to start to come in,
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is that men have this
thing where it's like okay,
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we know that we're not
going to get with somebody
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but we want to know that
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if we wanted to we
could get with them.
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So we just want to know
that we have your attention
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if we need it,
if we ever need it.
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And so I think
that, I think that
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when we talk about flirting,
you have to know yourself,
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you have to know that
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even if you're not
intentional about flirting
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that people have come up to
you and spoken to you about ways
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that you come off as flirty,
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and so now you have
to start paying attention
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to those things to make sure
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that you correct
certain behaviors
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so that other
people don't get force
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or misrepresentations
of what your intentions
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are in conversation or
in communication with them.
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Okay, because...
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More than a
conqueror, literally.
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More than that.
More than a conqueror.
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Because
alternately it seems like
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what you're saying is that
in the harshness of flirtation,
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it's kind of wrong in the sense
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if you're not really
planning to be with that person,
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it's kind of like
you're most leading them
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on in the sense...
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I don't, I would... Disagree.
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Kind of disagree,
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because I think
there's some things
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that you cannot
change about yourself.
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Sanguine people
are generally people
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who have a personality,
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they just ones
that is just bubbly...
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Yeah.
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They cannot want to
be, who are essentially
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the center of
attention at all times
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and they want
everything on them at all times.
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I don't know that you can
change your personality types
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and there's
something about yourselves
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that you cannot change.
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I have a friend who is
always constantly being told,
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her eyes are, are flirtation,
like she's always flirting
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because she's got sexy eyes,
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you know, she
doesn't have to do,
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I mean, you cannot.
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Who is that really?
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I am curious, kind of curiosity.
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I'm curious.
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But you see, you
see, right there.
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Well, I agree, I
agree with you, Jeanne.
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Can I jump in and
speak to the issue
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that you are talking
about with being a conqueror
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and I think that for women,
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the flirtatious
of flirtatiousness
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on our side as we
know you want to conquer...
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So we push against that
and say you can't conquer me
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and I'm no like, I
have a very bubbly,
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just outgoing personality
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and I've been
accused to be an a flirt
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and all that stuff
and my area or my issue
00:10:47.08\00:10:50.75
where flirtatiousness comes in,
00:10:50.78\00:10:52.58
is that men will
approach me with that,
00:10:52.61\00:10:55.35
I want to conquer you.
00:10:55.38\00:10:56.72
Not necessarily in a sexual way
00:10:56.75\00:10:58.22
but just you've got
this bubbly personality
00:10:58.25\00:11:01.09
and so and so and so,
00:11:01.12\00:11:03.46
come, let me
take you to my cave.
00:11:03.49\00:11:05.79
Yeah, so that was,
that's what happening.
00:11:05.83\00:11:07.76
They're just trying to
counteract my conquering.
00:11:07.80\00:11:11.63
I don't know.
00:11:11.67\00:11:13.70
But I think what
that does as women is it,
00:11:13.74\00:11:15.80
it pulls into this playful
00:11:15.84\00:11:19.34
back and forth,
it starts banter...
00:11:19.37\00:11:21.91
Which initially can
lead into conversation,
00:11:21.94\00:11:24.51
it can lead into,
00:11:24.55\00:11:25.88
sometimes it does
lead to relationships,
00:11:25.91\00:11:27.25
other times it leads
to other negative things.
00:11:27.28\00:11:29.38
Which is why I
think it can be dangerous,
00:11:29.42\00:11:31.15
you know, that's
why we said earlier
00:11:31.19\00:11:32.52
with the intention
like you're being playful,
00:11:32.55\00:11:34.66
you want people to
notice you but, why?
00:11:34.69\00:11:36.19
Yeah, yeah. Are
you attracted to them?
00:11:36.22\00:11:38.16
Do you want to get
to know them better?
00:11:38.19\00:11:39.53
Do you just want
them to notice you,
00:11:39.56\00:11:40.90
so you can enter in a
relationship or friendship
00:11:40.93\00:11:42.26
or you just doing it to do it?
00:11:42.30\00:11:43.93
You know, and so I
mean that's got to be
00:11:43.97\00:11:45.70
something we think about too.
00:11:45.73\00:11:47.07
What is my
intention for flirting,
00:11:47.10\00:11:49.00
you know, especially,
when I'm aware of it,
00:11:49.04\00:11:50.44
that must be
real, the other times
00:11:50.47\00:11:51.97
where I'm not aware
but I'm most of the time
00:11:52.01\00:11:53.78
pretty aware of it.
00:11:53.81\00:11:55.28
I am pretty aware of it.
00:11:55.31\00:11:56.64
Okay, so anybody here
flirt, with anybody today,
00:11:56.68\00:11:58.08
I mean, you must be
honest, I don't know.
00:11:58.11\00:12:03.89
Okay, go ahead, go ahead.
00:12:03.92\00:12:05.85
And that's why,
and see to touch on
00:12:05.89\00:12:07.89
what Jeanne and Korey has said,
00:12:07.92\00:12:09.32
'cause Jeanne was
mentioning something about,
00:12:09.36\00:12:10.69
you know, there's
some things about yourself
00:12:10.73\00:12:13.23
that you can't change
but I think the whole point,
00:12:13.26\00:12:15.16
the whole reason
why we're in Christ
00:12:15.20\00:12:16.90
is because we
can't change, right?
00:12:16.93\00:12:19.87
And my force is to do a
little bit more homework
00:12:19.90\00:12:22.44
in order to figure
out how do we do this
00:12:22.47\00:12:24.11
and so yeah, we might have
some attributes of ourselves
00:12:24.14\00:12:26.78
that naturally
come, naturally come out
00:12:26.81\00:12:28.61
maybe we can't
change our eyes, right?
00:12:28.64\00:12:31.51
But what we can do
is become more verbal
00:12:31.55\00:12:34.08
and speak and say, "Look, look.
00:12:34.12\00:12:35.98
When I'm talking to
this person let me make sure
00:12:36.02\00:12:37.95
that they understand
exactly what my intention is
00:12:37.99\00:12:40.46
so that my eyes
aren't just given out
00:12:40.49\00:12:42.82
something that
I'm not intending."
00:12:42.86\00:12:44.36
You see what I am saying? Yeah.
00:12:44.39\00:12:45.73
So how can somebody know
00:12:45.76\00:12:47.10
if they're
doing little too much?
00:12:47.13\00:12:48.46
You know, and they're,
it is gonna little too far,
00:12:48.50\00:12:50.10
you know, what they've
got to have some friends
00:12:50.13\00:12:52.27
they kind of tell
them or I mean what...
00:12:52.30\00:12:54.24
You know, I think
with a lot of things,
00:12:54.27\00:12:56.87
I think we like to play
00:12:56.91\00:12:58.31
as if we don't
know, but we really do.
00:12:58.34\00:13:01.84
Oh, yeah.
00:13:01.88\00:13:03.21
And so a lot of
times we surround ourselves
00:13:03.24\00:13:05.11
with friendship circles that
either allow it to take place
00:13:05.15\00:13:08.12
or that it's okay
and so like for instance,
00:13:08.15\00:13:11.19
one of the things that
I've found very interesting,
00:13:11.22\00:13:13.25
like I'll go preach at a church
00:13:13.29\00:13:14.92
and when they announce
that I'm a single female
00:13:14.96\00:13:17.19
and then at the receiving line
00:13:17.23\00:13:18.99
I've got people
coming out to me,
00:13:19.03\00:13:20.36
you know, shaking my
hand and looking me in the eye
00:13:20.40\00:13:22.43
and doing the most
and I'm very firm like
00:13:22.46\00:13:24.63
thank you, have a nice day
00:13:24.67\00:13:27.30
and then they kind
of get that look like,
00:13:27.34\00:13:28.67
oh, you know,
you know, you know,
00:13:28.70\00:13:31.17
and there's that thing
00:13:31.21\00:13:32.54
that says it's a little too far,
00:13:32.57\00:13:34.48
I might think sometimes
00:13:34.51\00:13:35.84
that it can even be
premeditated flirting,
00:13:35.88\00:13:37.61
you see something,
you know you want it,
00:13:37.65\00:13:39.48
you know you
want that attention,
00:13:39.51\00:13:40.85
so the first thing
is to check ourselves
00:13:40.88\00:13:42.95
and say what,
what's behind this?
00:13:42.98\00:13:45.35
What's the motive?
What's my motive behind it?
00:13:45.39\00:13:48.32
And once I know my motive
00:13:48.36\00:13:50.03
then I can check that
motive against Christ.
00:13:50.06\00:13:52.09
Yeah, yeah. Okay,
anyone else add to that?
00:13:52.13\00:13:54.96
Okay.
00:13:55.00\00:13:57.63
All right, well, you
know, can flirting ever be
00:13:57.67\00:14:02.40
so much that it
leads to something
00:14:02.44\00:14:03.84
even more like
obsession or stalking,
00:14:03.87\00:14:05.97
anybody having any
experience with that, I mean?
00:14:06.01\00:14:09.28
I think, I think,
00:14:09.31\00:14:10.91
where flirting
maybe dangerous is,
00:14:10.95\00:14:13.15
you know, especially we come
00:14:13.18\00:14:14.52
from the Christian point of view
00:14:14.55\00:14:15.98
where, you know, we want
Christ to lead our choices
00:14:16.02\00:14:19.19
and lead us into our
relationships really,
00:14:19.22\00:14:22.72
flirting is dangerous
00:14:22.76\00:14:24.09
because it may
start relationships
00:14:24.13\00:14:25.46
that you'd never
intended to happen
00:14:25.49\00:14:27.03
and I've been in that
situation where, you know,
00:14:27.06\00:14:29.30
and I'll just say,
it's very hard for me
00:14:29.33\00:14:30.77
to have female friends and
I remember one relationship
00:14:30.80\00:14:33.40
where I had a female friend,
00:14:33.44\00:14:35.10
I was actually proud of the fact
00:14:35.14\00:14:37.04
that we were just friends,
00:14:37.07\00:14:38.41
like we were okay
just being friends
00:14:38.44\00:14:40.48
and I don't, I can't
even tell you what happened,
00:14:40.51\00:14:42.44
you know, and I thought me
being nice was in a friendship,
00:14:42.48\00:14:45.11
you know, friendship
box but I guess it wasn't
00:14:45.15\00:14:47.88
because eventually it was like
all of sudden I found myself
00:14:47.92\00:14:50.15
we being a
little more than friends
00:14:50.19\00:14:51.52
and I was like, "Wow."
00:14:51.55\00:14:52.89
You know, and so you
can end up in situations
00:14:52.92\00:14:54.49
where you don't plan on going...
00:14:54.52\00:14:57.19
And we know, the
more people you date,
00:14:57.23\00:14:59.06
the more attachments you make
and all the other good stuff
00:14:59.09\00:15:01.63
so, it's just to save yourself
from some kind of heartache,
00:15:01.66\00:15:04.13
you know, you want
to be more conscious.
00:15:04.17\00:15:05.50
Okay, real quick, right...
00:15:05.53\00:15:06.87
Yeah, and I think
flirting, the problem with that
00:15:06.90\00:15:09.17
is that sometimes
you, like Korey said
00:15:09.20\00:15:11.47
inadvertently get yourself
into a relationship that you,
00:15:11.51\00:15:17.21
in positions, you don't,
00:15:17.25\00:15:18.78
you may not even get
yourself into a relationship
00:15:18.81\00:15:21.18
but you end up
like leading somebody on
00:15:21.22\00:15:24.45
and you had
absolutely no intentions
00:15:24.49\00:15:26.79
of being in any
kind of relationship
00:15:26.82\00:15:28.82
with that
person but because you,
00:15:28.86\00:15:31.79
I guess misunderstood
for lack of communication
00:15:31.83\00:15:34.53
you were being
nice or being yourself
00:15:34.56\00:15:38.53
or being your flirty self,
and then somebody else took it
00:15:38.57\00:15:41.90
and just ran with it... Right.
00:15:41.94\00:15:44.04
You know, oh, he's being flirty,
00:15:44.07\00:15:46.17
and he is opening the door,
00:15:46.21\00:15:47.81
and he is
asking me out to dinner
00:15:47.84\00:15:50.48
and he is, so you allow
other people to build castles
00:15:50.51\00:15:55.58
that have you in
them when you did not,
00:15:55.62\00:15:58.35
you know, go in
through the door.
00:15:58.39\00:16:00.66
Okay, all right.
Yeah, you can go, go ahead.
00:16:00.69\00:16:02.36
And I think we
should also look at flirting
00:16:02.39\00:16:05.79
from this aspect
because I don't think that
00:16:05.83\00:16:07.70
or I think we can look at
it from a positive aspect like
00:16:07.73\00:16:10.30
there might be some positive
attributes to flirting, right?
00:16:10.33\00:16:13.13
And I think number
one if you're in Christ
00:16:13.17\00:16:16.00
and you see somebody else
who according to your knowledge
00:16:16.04\00:16:18.71
you feel is in Christ,
00:16:18.74\00:16:20.08
you know, and their
merchandise is good,
00:16:20.11\00:16:21.74
you know me, if their
merchandise is good...
00:16:21.78\00:16:23.35
Nice merchandise... Mercy...
00:16:23.38\00:16:26.82
Hello somebody.
00:16:26.85\00:16:28.18
Then I don't see
why you shouldn't,
00:16:28.22\00:16:30.89
you know, especially for
God and even a girl also a woman
00:16:30.92\00:16:34.72
put yourself in a
position to be noticed
00:16:34.76\00:16:37.46
or let them know that
you notice them, you know
00:16:37.49\00:16:41.43
and but do it in
a respectful manner.
00:16:41.46\00:16:43.47
Yeah, okay, I like it
and thus we we're gonna
00:16:43.50\00:16:45.33
kind of like turn the
page here and talk about
00:16:45.37\00:16:47.57
how should then
as a man, as a woman,
00:16:47.60\00:16:49.94
how should you
attract somebody else,
00:16:49.97\00:16:51.31
you know, what are
the things you should do,
00:16:51.34\00:16:52.67
should you go, you know
twerking it and dancing,
00:16:52.71\00:16:54.44
doing also the crazy stuff to...
00:16:54.48\00:16:55.81
No. No.
00:16:55.84\00:16:57.18
You know, bartender to yourself,
00:16:57.21\00:16:58.55
I mean, what are
the do's and don'ts?
00:16:58.58\00:16:59.91
What is the main advice
00:16:59.95\00:17:01.28
that each of you
can give to someone, say
00:17:01.32\00:17:02.65
and this is what
you shouldn't do,
00:17:02.68\00:17:04.02
this is what you should do
to attract the opposite sex?
00:17:04.05\00:17:06.62
Now, Korey, go ahead.
00:17:06.65\00:17:07.99
I mean, number one,
you know, the Bible says
00:17:08.02\00:17:10.16
if I believe that I
would draw him into me,
00:17:10.19\00:17:12.19
so number one you
want to have Christ
00:17:12.23\00:17:13.56
in your life that ideal, fine.
00:17:13.60\00:17:15.56
Outside of that, we
attract what we give out,
00:17:15.60\00:17:18.80
you want a good
person, a wholesome person,
00:17:18.83\00:17:21.80
you got to give
that out as well.
00:17:21.84\00:17:23.54
You know, so when you
say should I go twerking,
00:17:23.57\00:17:25.71
should I this, that,
00:17:25.74\00:17:27.08
if you go out
twerking to get a man,
00:17:27.11\00:17:28.44
you're gonna get
back that kind of man,
00:17:28.48\00:17:30.11
you know, what I am
saying that values, twerking,
00:17:30.15\00:17:31.71
who wants to be with man
00:17:31.75\00:17:33.31
who is just
twerking on his value list.
00:17:33.35\00:17:34.88
Mercy. It
doesn't make any sense.
00:17:34.92\00:17:36.79
You must me
surprised. All right.
00:17:36.82\00:17:38.15
You know, and so we,
you know, whatever you want,
00:17:38.19\00:17:40.49
you know, put that out there,
00:17:40.52\00:17:41.89
you know, so you
don't just think about,
00:17:41.92\00:17:43.79
you know, just what I want
00:17:43.83\00:17:45.16
but what do I want to
put out there, you know.
00:17:45.19\00:17:46.56
All right, okay.
00:17:46.59\00:17:49.46
Yeah, I totally
not even there. Okay.
00:17:49.50\00:17:54.17
Well, I guess just a
little just personal experience,
00:17:54.20\00:17:57.94
there's nothing more attractive
than a man who loves Jesus.
00:17:57.97\00:18:01.41
There's nothing more attractive
than a man serving Jesus
00:18:01.44\00:18:04.55
and then vice-versa,
there's nothing more attractive
00:18:04.58\00:18:06.75
than a woman
loving and serving Jesus.
00:18:06.78\00:18:10.65
So start there.
00:18:10.69\00:18:12.65
Get to where God is
and God will get you
00:18:12.69\00:18:15.12
to who he needs you to be with.
00:18:15.16\00:18:17.13
So I know one of the best places
00:18:17.16\00:18:19.06
or best ways to
attract somebody is...
00:18:19.09\00:18:22.33
Be with the person
00:18:22.36\00:18:23.97
who has your
value systems would be.
00:18:24.00\00:18:25.50
So doing community
service, helping out with kids,
00:18:25.53\00:18:29.30
we want somebody
who's good with kids,
00:18:29.34\00:18:31.64
help out with the
kids at your church,
00:18:31.67\00:18:33.27
so different things like
that what attracts the person.
00:18:33.31\00:18:36.28
But I also think that
you have to also understand
00:18:36.31\00:18:39.45
that the dynamics of chemistry,
you can have chemistry
00:18:39.48\00:18:43.12
with somebody that doesn't mean
00:18:43.15\00:18:45.15
that you're supposed to
now go, you know, marry them,
00:18:45.19\00:18:48.66
or you know, or
be in a relationship
00:18:48.69\00:18:50.73
but that sometimes commonalities
00:18:50.76\00:18:52.93
can be confused with chemistry.
00:18:52.96\00:18:54.30
Right, right.
00:18:54.33\00:18:55.66
And I also think that, you know,
00:18:55.70\00:18:57.03
if I give some advice too,
00:18:57.07\00:18:58.40
that being
consistent, being positive,
00:18:58.43\00:19:00.50
you know, being
truthful, being loving,
00:19:00.54\00:19:03.27
these are just attributes
of just being a good person,
00:19:03.30\00:19:05.71
character, go a long
way with attracting someone.
00:19:05.74\00:19:08.74
You know, a lot of
times you can maybe do
00:19:08.78\00:19:10.11
a little too much,
little bit too forceful to that
00:19:10.15\00:19:12.78
because you're
trying of force it...
00:19:12.81\00:19:14.32
But if you just
being the common things
00:19:14.35\00:19:16.15
as a Christian you should
be, you can attract some people,
00:19:16.18\00:19:19.22
you know, to you
00:19:19.25\00:19:20.59
and then when you're
searching for someone,
00:19:20.62\00:19:22.42
you know, search for somebody
who, like you said, has this,
00:19:22.46\00:19:24.33
has the values that
you want, you know, try to,
00:19:24.36\00:19:26.19
you know, find,
go to, into the earth
00:19:26.23\00:19:29.50
and find somebody who, you know,
00:19:29.53\00:19:30.97
shouldn't be in
your, in your vocabulary.
00:19:31.00\00:19:33.34
Go ahead. Well, I am sorry.
00:19:33.37\00:19:34.70
But, you know, just as,
just kind of people Kim said,
00:19:34.74\00:19:37.31
the most attractive person
is the person who loves God,
00:19:37.34\00:19:40.58
who wants to be God,
00:19:40.61\00:19:41.94
but that can also be a deterrent
00:19:41.98\00:19:43.41
and I'm saying that as a pastor,
00:19:43.45\00:19:45.75
someone who studied for ministry
00:19:45.78\00:19:47.35
and I feel like
we need to go here.
00:19:47.38\00:19:48.92
You know, what is
unattractive is a female
00:19:48.95\00:19:52.19
who is trying to
look like they love God,
00:19:52.22\00:19:55.66
or trying to be spiritual
simply because they want
00:19:55.69\00:19:59.09
to be a need to
be, attracted to them,
00:19:59.13\00:20:01.06
that is like the
most unattractive thing
00:20:01.10\00:20:03.90
in the world.
00:20:03.93\00:20:05.27
You know, you can
tell when somebody is,
00:20:05.30\00:20:07.04
well, he's a pastor so
let me, every, every converse,
00:20:07.07\00:20:09.57
okay, I'm a pastor
but every conversation
00:20:09.60\00:20:11.37
I won't have,
does not have to be
00:20:11.41\00:20:12.91
about the 2300 days prophecy.
00:20:12.94\00:20:14.58
Like, I want to be able to
just have regular conversation,
00:20:14.61\00:20:16.95
you know, like
even you know in those
00:20:16.98\00:20:18.68
when ask me how
the nix did last night,
00:20:18.71\00:20:20.05
you know, what I'm saying?
00:20:20.08\00:20:21.42
But don't, everything doesn't
have to be super spiritual.
00:20:21.45\00:20:23.32
So I think it's, like we
keep saying our intentions,
00:20:23.35\00:20:26.09
you know, don't
just be spiritual
00:20:26.12\00:20:28.32
because you're
trying to attract somebody,
00:20:28.36\00:20:30.49
if you seek after God,
00:20:30.53\00:20:32.09
you know,
generally for your own,
00:20:32.13\00:20:33.93
you know,
wellbeing, then you of course,
00:20:33.96\00:20:35.46
you will
naturally attract somebody.
00:20:35.50\00:20:37.00
Yeah, I mean, even
girls come and say,
00:20:37.03\00:20:39.70
I want to be with
the pastor and then...
00:20:39.73\00:20:41.14
Mercy, wow. Mercy.
00:20:41.17\00:20:42.50
You know, and they find the ways
00:20:42.54\00:20:43.87
just to give it
a work, you know,
00:20:43.91\00:20:45.24
I dreamt of
being the first lady...
00:20:45.27\00:20:46.78
Mercy, that's so
brand, burgundy flag.
00:20:46.81\00:20:51.75
I think, one of the
things that's key in terms of,
00:20:51.78\00:20:57.89
you know, attracting
somebody is to pay attention.
00:20:57.92\00:21:00.86
And I'm speaking
from the standpoint of,
00:21:00.89\00:21:02.82
I was married and I
was divorced, right?
00:21:02.86\00:21:05.23
And I think one of the
things that I failed to do
00:21:05.26\00:21:07.76
was to pay attention
to certain things that,
00:21:07.80\00:21:10.83
you know, even if
it's something little,
00:21:10.87\00:21:12.30
but something might
just be mentioned that you,
00:21:12.33\00:21:14.34
you know, as a man
you want to pick up on
00:21:14.37\00:21:16.14
so that next
time without somebody
00:21:16.17\00:21:17.81
even have to say
anything you like,
00:21:17.84\00:21:19.24
you know, it
might just be something
00:21:19.27\00:21:20.61
as simple as
giving a gift, right?
00:21:20.64\00:21:21.98
And you give a
gift and its like,
00:21:22.01\00:21:23.35
oh, well, they
didn't even realize
00:21:23.38\00:21:24.78
that you were paying attention
00:21:24.81\00:21:26.15
to the fact that
they mentioned that
00:21:26.18\00:21:27.52
when you're in
such and such store
00:21:27.55\00:21:28.88
or what have you, right?
00:21:28.92\00:21:30.25
And I consider, I
call it going fishing,
00:21:30.29\00:21:32.59
because when you go fishing,
you have to pay attention to,
00:21:32.62\00:21:35.29
you know, what kind of water,
00:21:35.32\00:21:36.66
the fish that you
want like to swim in,
00:21:36.69\00:21:38.63
if it's saltwater or freshwater,
00:21:38.66\00:21:40.50
you know, what kind of
bait are they attracted to?
00:21:40.53\00:21:43.26
You see, what I'm saying.
00:21:43.30\00:21:44.63
And so I think that's
why I say pay attention
00:21:44.67\00:21:46.00
because when you pay,
00:21:46.03\00:21:47.37
sometimes the
tide might determine
00:21:47.40\00:21:48.90
what kind of fish on
00:21:48.94\00:21:50.27
certain parts of
water, particular times.
00:21:50.31\00:21:52.17
So you have to pay
attention to that person
00:21:52.21\00:21:53.94
and see what is it
that makes that person tick
00:21:53.98\00:21:56.58
and when you figure that
out, then you can see well,
00:21:56.61\00:22:00.52
am I willing to
fulfill that need
00:22:00.55\00:22:04.05
in that particular place?
00:22:04.09\00:22:05.42
Right, okay.
00:22:05.45\00:22:06.79
I would, I don't
know how to say this
00:22:06.82\00:22:09.52
but I don't know how
I feel about the fishing
00:22:09.56\00:22:12.43
because, I mean,
like, yeah, I know,
00:22:12.46\00:22:16.03
through at a line, but the truth
00:22:16.06\00:22:19.23
is in my experience every time
00:22:19.27\00:22:21.37
I have gone
fishing I have come home...
00:22:21.40\00:22:23.51
No fish?
00:22:23.54\00:22:24.87
I have come home with
fish that needed to be,
00:22:24.91\00:22:26.81
to go right back into the water.
00:22:26.84\00:22:28.78
Like I did not need
to bring, bring it home.
00:22:28.81\00:22:31.98
Mercy. I'm just being real...
00:22:32.01\00:22:34.65
And I think this is
specially true for women
00:22:34.68\00:22:38.32
as you do not
need to go fishing,
00:22:38.35\00:22:41.29
women are not created to fish,
they're created to be fished...
00:22:41.32\00:22:45.83
Yes, board. Yeah.
00:22:45.86\00:22:47.20
You know. Somebody
says if catch able.
00:22:47.23\00:22:48.56
Yeah?
00:22:48.60\00:22:49.93
And so I mean
and, it is very true.
00:22:49.96\00:22:53.30
To be fished, I don't even
know that's an English word,
00:22:53.34\00:22:55.80
to be caught.
00:22:55.84\00:22:58.54
I mean, it goes back to
the primal nature of men.
00:22:58.57\00:23:02.34
Men are designed to conquer,
00:23:02.38\00:23:04.85
you know, we're
talking about that.
00:23:04.88\00:23:06.38
And so when you, I
think, when you rob a man
00:23:06.41\00:23:11.39
of the
opportunity to conquer you...
00:23:11.42\00:23:13.96
You will literally spend
00:23:13.99\00:23:15.96
the rest of your
relationship life
00:23:15.99\00:23:19.66
trying to conquer them...
00:23:19.69\00:23:21.90
Yeah.
00:23:21.93\00:23:23.26
'Cause you've essentially
robbed him off of what he is,
00:23:23.30\00:23:27.04
I don't know his
in needs nature is.
00:23:27.07\00:23:29.70
Thank you, I mean, my goodness.
00:23:29.74\00:23:31.07
Can I say? Oh, go ahead.
00:23:31.11\00:23:32.44
No, I'm saying that is
such an important point,
00:23:32.47\00:23:33.81
I wish you have
more, really more time
00:23:33.84\00:23:35.18
to go into that but go ahead.
00:23:35.21\00:23:36.54
I was gonna say that
happiness is attractive.
00:23:36.58\00:23:38.88
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
00:23:38.91\00:23:40.55
Like, I mean as Christians
sometimes we walk around
00:23:40.58\00:23:43.25
with this frowny
face and we just,
00:23:43.28\00:23:45.92
I just so caught up
and confessing our sins
00:23:45.95\00:23:50.36
and it's just
like be a happy person.
00:23:50.39\00:23:54.56
Optimism is
attractive, hope is attractive,
00:23:54.60\00:23:58.33
a smile is attractive,
00:23:58.37\00:24:01.44
and that's not
necessarily flirting
00:24:01.47\00:24:03.94
but it's just showing
that there's something about me
00:24:03.97\00:24:07.81
that is bright.
00:24:07.84\00:24:09.18
We live in a world that
has so bad stuff going on.
00:24:09.21\00:24:11.41
I don't know, if I want
to attach myself to somebody,
00:24:11.45\00:24:13.68
I want to attach myself
to somebody, something good,
00:24:13.72\00:24:16.45
somebody who can smile
with me and laugh with me,
00:24:16.48\00:24:18.45
and have a good time, so...
00:24:18.49\00:24:19.82
Yeah, it's a good point.
00:24:19.85\00:24:21.19
I do want to go back
to what Jeanne was saying
00:24:21.22\00:24:22.56
because I think that
sometimes we have the,
00:24:22.59\00:24:24.76
or we may have the
misconception that us,
00:24:24.79\00:24:26.29
men we like fast girls.
00:24:26.33\00:24:28.06
You know, we like a girl that
00:24:28.10\00:24:29.56
just give it,
come, just give it to...
00:24:29.60\00:24:31.63
Come-hither Right, right.
00:24:31.67\00:24:33.23
We actually want
to be able to chase
00:24:33.27\00:24:35.67
and in fact it
keeps relationship alive
00:24:35.70\00:24:37.67
once we can do that.
00:24:37.71\00:24:39.04
You know, for me and my wife,
she didn't just say, here I am,
00:24:39.07\00:24:42.04
no, I took me sometime,
00:24:42.08\00:24:43.81
so really I have
to, really get her...
00:24:43.85\00:24:46.31
I was going to
say the same thing
00:24:46.35\00:24:47.68
you know, we, we
want to work for it.
00:24:47.72\00:24:49.45
And so in terms of flirting,
00:24:49.48\00:24:51.32
you know, is
flirting bad for women?
00:24:51.35\00:24:52.82
No, but I kind of
want to flirt first,
00:24:52.85\00:24:54.89
I want you to
see that I notice you
00:24:54.92\00:24:56.52
and if you want to
respond to that that's cool.
00:24:56.56\00:24:59.39
It is not sexy at all
for women to be hungry,
00:24:59.43\00:25:02.26
you know, after a guy.
00:25:02.30\00:25:03.63
I'm gonna be real,
before I got engaged
00:25:03.67\00:25:05.50
I was talking to a few girls
00:25:05.53\00:25:07.00
who had approached me,
I don't know if it was,
00:25:07.04\00:25:08.87
because I had
changed my Facebook thing
00:25:08.90\00:25:10.24
and said I was now
pastor at so and so conference.
00:25:10.27\00:25:12.07
So they know I had paychecks,
00:25:12.11\00:25:13.74
it seems like that
for all the phone calls
00:25:13.78\00:25:15.18
and Facebook
messages started coming.
00:25:15.21\00:25:17.05
But, you know, there
were so many girls that,
00:25:17.08\00:25:19.31
where even friends of mine
00:25:19.35\00:25:20.75
who I never even
thought of in that way,
00:25:20.78\00:25:22.38
all of a sudden well I hear
you're talking with somebody,
00:25:22.42\00:25:24.89
well, let's get to
know each other better.
00:25:24.92\00:25:26.35
And I'll be
like, okay, let's talk
00:25:26.39\00:25:28.59
but in my mind I never
really went hard for them
00:25:28.62\00:25:31.59
because I didn't,
I didn't really have
00:25:31.63\00:25:33.63
the initial desire
to seek after them,
00:25:33.66\00:25:36.16
you know, what I'm saying?
00:25:36.20\00:25:37.53
Yeah, they kinda
took something way...
00:25:37.57\00:25:38.97
So eventually they
would just fizzle out like
00:25:39.00\00:25:41.34
we would be
talking, it will be cool,
00:25:41.37\00:25:42.77
they'll be cool, people
but just because I didn't put
00:25:42.80\00:25:45.11
in the personal effort
initially, I'll be like...
00:25:45.14\00:25:48.71
Yeah, that's
definitely true in relationships
00:25:48.74\00:25:50.78
that I wasn't
pursuing, they pursued me...
00:25:50.81\00:25:52.81
Yeah, they fizzle out, yeah.
00:25:52.85\00:25:55.58
But, okay, still
though a woman should,
00:25:55.62\00:26:00.96
I don't think that a
woman should feel that
00:26:00.99\00:26:02.52
she can at least
position herself.
00:26:02.56\00:26:04.86
It's true like I said, to
be noticed like, it's like,
00:26:04.89\00:26:06.83
you don't have to say
anything but just be aware
00:26:06.86\00:26:09.16
you know he just might be.
00:26:09.20\00:26:11.30
Yeah, all right, all right.
00:26:11.33\00:26:12.67
Position,
position yourself properly.
00:26:12.70\00:26:16.10
I think, it issues
that too many women
00:26:16.14\00:26:17.87
are positioning themselves
inappropriately and improperly.
00:26:17.91\00:26:22.48
Yeah, absolutely. And
so the position changes.
00:26:22.51\00:26:25.85
And so, you know, I
just, I really think
00:26:25.88\00:26:29.18
it's important that
we as women understand
00:26:29.22\00:26:31.35
the conversation of
pursuit, let a man pursue you.
00:26:31.39\00:26:36.09
Yeah.
00:26:36.12\00:26:37.46
It makes you as a woman
much, you know, the valued
00:26:37.49\00:26:40.73
and it just helps you to
understand who you are so.
00:26:40.76\00:26:43.10
You got to be
patience too. Yeah.
00:26:43.13\00:26:44.47
Yeah. And I don't if we can go.
00:26:44.50\00:26:45.83
We talk and go
ahead, real quick.
00:26:45.87\00:26:47.20
Oh, yes, I was just
gonna say part of that
00:26:47.24\00:26:50.87
of letting a man pursue
you is knowing your value.
00:26:50.91\00:26:54.08
You know, if I know
I'm about something.
00:26:54.11\00:26:57.15
I mean, I'm not going,
you gotta have to work.
00:26:57.18\00:27:00.95
Yeah. Yeah.
00:27:00.98\00:27:02.32
I mean, you're not
just gonna get freebies,
00:27:02.35\00:27:04.52
like for what, for what purpose.
00:27:04.55\00:27:06.55
There's a quote that
says, I mean, it's for women,
00:27:06.59\00:27:08.52
it says, "Run as fast
as you can towards God,
00:27:08.56\00:27:12.26
if any man keeps
up, introduce yourself."
00:27:12.29\00:27:14.30
With yourself. There
you go, there you go.
00:27:14.33\00:27:17.37
Okay, so we didn't get
to finish the discussion
00:27:17.40\00:27:19.57
but 'cause we do want
to talk a little bit about
00:27:19.60\00:27:21.34
what men should or should not do
00:27:21.37\00:27:23.97
and how they should
really go about pursuing a woman
00:27:24.01\00:27:25.94
and so that's
something that I would say that
00:27:25.97\00:27:27.31
you at home or you
watching with your youth group
00:27:27.34\00:27:29.44
or AOS group you
can discuss that now,
00:27:29.48\00:27:32.11
talking about, you
know, little more about
00:27:32.15\00:27:33.48
how to really attract a man
00:27:33.52\00:27:35.02
or a woman going
to depth of that,
00:27:35.05\00:27:36.52
I think that will be really good
00:27:36.55\00:27:37.89
for your discussion groups.
00:27:37.92\00:27:39.25
Let's now end
with the Bible text.
00:27:39.29\00:27:40.62
I'm gonna read from
the Book of Matthew,
00:27:40.66\00:27:42.79
Matthew 5:16 it says,
00:27:42.82\00:27:45.16
"Let your light
so shine before men,
00:27:45.19\00:27:47.46
that they may
see your good work,
00:27:47.50\00:27:48.83
and glorify your
Father which is in heaven."
00:27:48.86\00:27:51.60
At the end of the
day, you should be
00:27:51.63\00:27:52.97
the light of the
world to make pure choices.
00:27:53.00\00:27:55.74
God bless, have a good day.
00:27:55.77\00:27:57.51