The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are cautioned that
some material may be too candid
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for younger children.
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Hello, and
welcome to "Pure Choices."
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I'm your host,
Pastor Joshua Nelson.
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And I'm so happy
you decided to join us.
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We are talking
about making a list
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and checking it twice. Hmm.
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Yes, we're
talking about marriage.
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Should you make a list
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when you're
trying to get married?
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Should there be
some expectations
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you should have in relationship?
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Should you really write it down?
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Or should you just let God lead?
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What's the medium
ground in that situation?
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So we're gonna talk
about that today and figure out
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what we can
discover from our panel.
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But before we do that,
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let's pause for
a moment of prayer.
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Heavenly Father,
we thank You again
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that we can discuss
these important topics.
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We ask, Father, that You
would send Your Spirit now
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to lead and
guide this discussion
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in Jesus' name we pray, amen.
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Amen. All right.
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To my left, I
have Pastor John Coaxum
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who is the associate pastor
of the Glenville Seventh-day
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Adventist Church
over in Cleveland, Ohio.
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On the couch here we
have Dr. Jeanne Mogusu
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who is recent
graduate of Andrews University
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in Berrien Springs.
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Next to her we have
our Associate Chaplain
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at Oakwood
University, Kimberly Pearson.
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Next to Kimberly,
we have Brittany Hill
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who is recent graduate
of the Andrews University
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Theological Seminary
there in Berrien Springs.
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So we are happy to
have the panel here today
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and, of course,
I'm Pastor Nelson.
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I have two
churches in South Carolina.
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And so we are
gonna get into this topic
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about list, making list.
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And you can see, if we
put a little wide shot,
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you can see how
we have a setup here.
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We have girls versus the guys.
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So it's--
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Mercy. The ladies.
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It's two of us guys here.
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So are we ready to go?
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We're ready to go.
We got a lot of numbers.
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No, no, no. We
are only two guys.
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We got this. We're fine.
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All right.
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Let's talk about
this thing, okay.
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Why do think people
make list in the first place?
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I think people make list
because it helps structure.
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I mean, when you have
things to do during the day,
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you make a to-do-list, right?
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And so like if you're
trying to get married,
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you make a to-marry-list.
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So, you know, I
think people who are visual
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gives you a frame of reference,
kind of like checkpoint.
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Okay.
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So give me a little more
specific then why do women,
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you all are gonna give
us the answers for women,
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why do women make a list?
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So they don't make mistakes.
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You want to make
the list to make sure
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that when you approach a
guy or if a guy approaches you,
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it's not someone that
you're gonna have huge regrets
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about later, so...
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That's sisters.
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Now, John, speak for us, man.
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I mean, do we make list?
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And I guess, I'll be
honest, I did make a list.
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But why do you
think men like make list?
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Well, it's funny to me.
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Some guys do make
list, some guys don't.
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Some guys just go
after the prettiest girl.
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But I would agree with Brittany.
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I think the same
is for guys as well.
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I mean, we just don't
want to make any regrets.
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At the end of the day,
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men are kind of competitive too,
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let's just be honest about it.
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We'd like to have a
nice Barbie Doll on our arm.
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We want a trophy. Mercy, mercy.
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Yeah, I mean, it's true.
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It's true for the
most part, you know.
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Guys just want to, you know,
a beautiful girl on their arm
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and so we make a
list and make sure
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that by the time we are married,
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you know, we
don't have any regrets
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and we're not, you know,
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sorry for the
choice that we make.
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Right, right.
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Now we have exactly
what we wanted, right?
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And I remember, you
know, before I went to college,
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my mom sat me down
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and she said, "Joshua,
we're gonna make a list now."
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I really don't remember if
it was her idea or my idea,
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but I do remember
that, you know, we sat down,
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we talked about
what kind of woman
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that I would be
looking for and all that,
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not just about how she looks,
but also how she acts or not.
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And so, you know,
it was something that
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I felt was exciting
and important at the time.
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But, you know,
looking back I'm not sure
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if that helped or stifled me
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in my looking for
the perfect person.
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And I think that's where it
begins to get a little sketchy
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because you begin to
look for the perfect person,
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the ideal person that may or
may not exist would you agree?
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So what are some
dangers then in women making a,
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talk about women
now, making list?
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I think the, the
running joke it usually is
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when you are in
your teens, in your '20s,
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you have this very long list.
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When you are in your '30s,
you, the list gets shorter.
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But at a certain age,
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you just need one
thing for him to be a man.
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And alive.
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At least that's
what... And alive.
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Oh, yeah.
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He needs to alive and a man.
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So I mean, it's a--
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And it becomes a joke because
when I think your list portrays
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what you are looking for
at that moment, you know.
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And so, I can speak for myself.
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When I was in my '20s,
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there were things that
were on my list or I should say
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were not on my
list that right now
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are non-negotiables
for me, you know.
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So I would say, a list reflects
where you are in your maturity,
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either
emotionally or spiritually.
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Okay.
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Yeah, so it's like a benchmark
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for you to make sure
that wherever you are,
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what you're looking for
is that what you actually,
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what you're looking for
is what you actually get.
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Okay.
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All right, what's
more like maybe pros and...
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pros and cons, I
guess so of making a list.
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Well, I think some
pros are that it gives you,
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let's say a point
of reference, okay?
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This is what I
know I'm looking for.
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This is things that
are important to me.
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You wouldn't walk into a
job interview with the job
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that you want and not
know what your history is
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or what you bring to the
table or anything like that.
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So that there are
pros to that knowing
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which one having at
the front of your mind.
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The con to it is that it can,
it can turn into a checklist
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that everybody that
comes into your life,
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you're having the list
and the person you are going,
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yes, yes, yes. Nope. Oh, sorry.
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Can't, you know, you
can't make that work.
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So sometimes it can create
almost a barrier for ourselves
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while it keeps other
people from getting in
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and it also keeps
us from getting out.
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Yeah.
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Whenever I go to the store,
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you know, I try to
have a shopping list, right?
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Just so that I don't end up
with stuff that I don't want
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or I leaves out
stuff that really do want.
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Unfortunately sometimes you'll
go in and you'll get what you,
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what was on your
list or you may or,
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and there'll be some
things that are on your list
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that you get and
you kind of switch up
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because you
found something better.
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And I think that's the
importance of having list.
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You have your-- It's
kind of like a benchmark.
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You know what you really need.
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And then there are those
things that you really want.
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You'll get to the
checklist, you know,
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the checkout and
you'll leave some things out
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because they were just wants,
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they were not
what you really needed.
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And I think a list
does that for you to,
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for and relationships
does that for you too,
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especially when
you're going into something
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as important as marriage.
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Yes. Yeah, true.
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Yeah, I think making a list,
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I mean, the pros
are obviously again,
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it's a reference
point to get what you want.
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But I think the con sometimes
are it can very much narrow
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your scope of
vision of the world
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and so you begin to think like
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this type of
person is the only person
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that is going to make me happy,
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you know, there's a running joke
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and I'll say this
for the women here today.
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I pray I don't get in trouble.
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But, you know, there's a
running joke about a woman
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who goes to man, you know.
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She asks, you know, the man,
you know, I need you to have,
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you know, this type of
job, making this type of salary.
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I need you to have a BMW
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and I need you to
live in this type of house.
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And the guy says, "Well,
I don't have all of that."
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But after she leaves
and goes away and says,
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"Well, okay. I can't.
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I don't want
anything to do with you."
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The brother then
says, "Well, I'm the boss.
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I don't drive a BMW,
but I drive a Lamborghini,
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and I don't have a
house, but I live in a condo."
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And so it's like, "Really?
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You sacrifice all of
that, but you could had this."
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And think it
narrows our scope of vision
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and it also-- It deprives
us of having open mindset.
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God could bless us
with something that
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we didn't even
think possible, you know.
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But when we only have a list
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and this is the
only way it can be then,
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I think we just shrink
what God can do for us.
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Yeah, it's so true.
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It give us something
that we didn't even imagine.
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That's why He has the plans
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that He has for us
is unimaginable to us.
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And so we can limit God
really by making list as well.
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But also we
could hinder the devil
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by making a list that is God,
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that is the standard
that God wants us to have.
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So in a way it can
goes, goes hand in hand,
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you know, either
way depending on how--
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Really depending on
what's on your list.
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And that's where I
want to go next, okay?
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So let's see.
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Can you guys give us
some things that were
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or are on your
either written down list
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or imaginary list, maybe some
standards that you would say,
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these are the things that
I'm looking for non-negotiable
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in the person I'm gonna be with.
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So I'm looking at the
women, sitting across from them,
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so of course,
they're gonna go first.
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Okay. Very good.
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I think the first thing
which is so pure basic is
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he has to have a
relationship with God.
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You don't want
to be with someone
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that doesn't
spend time with God,
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doesn't pray,
doesn't do anything.
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All he does is maybe
go to church every Easter,
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maybe every Christmas,
probably New Year's Day.
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You want someone who has a
constant relationship with God
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and who isn't
afraid to stand up and say,
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"Hey, let's have devotion.
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Hey, let's take a walk
and actually talk to God
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and pray together with
Him in that element of,
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that's what bear minimal."
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Yeah.
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I think and I've done
list, you know, they've changed.
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I had that list
that I had in college.
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I had the list that
I had after college.
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And then now
that I'm in my '30s,
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my list looks a lot different.
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I think my, my,
begin-- This is my suggestion.
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My list begins
with non-negotiables
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which then for morality.
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I don't want someone
who is willing to compromise
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my virtue or my value.
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So, you know, promiscuity
or sex before marriage,
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has a relationship with
God, doesn't smoke or drink,
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you know, takes
care of their body.
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So these are some
things to me that are,
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that are non-negotiables.
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Right, right.
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And then from there things like,
00:10:16.21\00:10:17.78
has a great sense of humor.
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Yeah.
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Someone who's compassionate,
who treats their family well,
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treats their mom well.
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So some of those
other character things,
00:10:24.55\00:10:27.49
and for me, that's big.
00:10:27.52\00:10:28.86
My list looks at character.
00:10:28.89\00:10:30.39
Not necessarily
behavior or external things.
00:10:30.43\00:10:33.90
Okay, okay. I like that.
00:10:33.93\00:10:35.90
I think you also want to
make sure that the person that,
00:10:35.93\00:10:37.97
especially when you're going
into something like marriage,
00:10:38.00\00:10:40.34
is someone who respects you.
00:10:40.37\00:10:42.67
I mean, we talk
a lot about love,
00:10:42.70\00:10:44.14
but even the person who
beats you up sometimes says,
00:10:44.17\00:10:47.38
"Hey, I love you.
00:10:47.41\00:10:48.74
And this is why I'm doing it."
00:10:48.78\00:10:50.11
You know, you
want someone who has,
00:10:50.15\00:10:51.98
who values you who you
are and who respects you
00:10:52.01\00:10:56.58
and who will help you be
the best that you can be,
00:10:56.62\00:10:59.85
someone who brings out the
best in you, they say, you know.
00:10:59.89\00:11:04.03
I think that's really important
because if it's someone
00:11:04.06\00:11:06.83
who is not gonna allow you
00:11:06.86\00:11:08.86
to meet your
God-given potential,
00:11:08.90\00:11:11.07
then is that really someone
that you want to be around.
00:11:11.10\00:11:13.80
I mean, because
they're essentially stifling
00:11:13.84\00:11:16.24
what God has created you to be,
00:11:16.27\00:11:18.34
your purpose in life.
00:11:18.37\00:11:19.71
And you'll never really achieve
that if you're with someone
00:11:19.74\00:11:22.41
who is constantly tearing
you down any chance, you know.
00:11:22.44\00:11:27.08
And that's why
it's really important
00:11:27.12\00:11:28.45
that they have a
relationship with God
00:11:28.48\00:11:29.82
because I don't
believe that someone
00:11:29.85\00:11:31.19
who has a sincere
relationship with God
00:11:31.22\00:11:32.85
would ever be
someone who disrespects you
00:11:32.89\00:11:34.86
or tries to not
allow you to live up
00:11:34.89\00:11:38.09
to your God-given potential.
00:11:38.13\00:11:39.76
Wow, man.
00:11:39.79\00:11:41.13
The women are very,
very profound and mature.
00:11:41.16\00:11:42.80
I mean, you got
something to add to that, John?
00:11:42.83\00:11:44.50
Well, of course, I do.
00:11:44.53\00:11:46.20
I think I'll be the one
to get real for a moment.
00:11:46.23\00:11:47.57
Yeah, there you go.
00:11:47.60\00:11:49.40
We are not real then?
00:11:49.44\00:11:51.41
This is a teachable
and interesting moment.
00:11:51.44\00:11:53.44
You know, what I'm
seeing, Josh and ladies,
00:11:53.48\00:11:54.98
I think that women in
general are just more forgiving
00:11:55.01\00:11:57.98
when it comes to
externals than guys are.
00:11:58.01\00:12:00.15
Now my list, you
know, previous, pre-Christ
00:12:00.18\00:12:02.82
or my BC days,
Before Christ was, you know,
00:12:02.85\00:12:05.95
I wanted a woman
that is attractive
00:12:05.99\00:12:07.59
that I'm attractive to,
00:12:07.62\00:12:08.96
that I'm attracted to, you know.
00:12:08.99\00:12:10.33
I don't even care
if she's godly or not.
00:12:10.36\00:12:11.69
I'll be godly for
the both of us, you know.
00:12:11.73\00:12:13.06
I just wanted attractive
woman, you know what I mean.
00:12:13.09\00:12:15.06
Nowadays, you know,
it's changed a little bit.
00:12:15.10\00:12:17.13
Yes, I want a godly woman,
00:12:17.17\00:12:18.50
but at the end of the
day, Josh, I have to admit,
00:12:18.53\00:12:20.40
you know, attraction is
still very high on my list.
00:12:20.44\00:12:23.17
Oh, yeah.
00:12:23.20\00:12:24.54
And I don't see anything
wrong with that, you know.
00:12:24.57\00:12:25.91
I want somebody, you
know, that I love to look at.
00:12:25.94\00:12:28.61
You know
somebody that I care about
00:12:28.64\00:12:30.01
and somebody that
I'm just, you know,
00:12:30.05\00:12:31.38
romantically involved with
00:12:31.41\00:12:32.75
and want to be
romantically involved with.
00:12:32.78\00:12:34.48
All those other
things are important as well,
00:12:34.52\00:12:36.15
good personality, you
know, laughter, and all of that,
00:12:36.18\00:12:38.42
but I would say attraction
is very high on my list.
00:12:38.45\00:12:40.39
Yeah, I mean, I
would agree, you know.
00:12:40.42\00:12:43.76
I remember one of my
friends said to me, you know,
00:12:43.79\00:12:45.66
make sure you marry somebody
who you are infatuated with
00:12:45.69\00:12:48.20
and that kind of steered
me in the wrong way sometimes,
00:12:48.23\00:12:50.13
but I think that
what he was trying to say
00:12:50.17\00:12:52.53
and what I will
be saying now too
00:12:52.57\00:12:53.90
is make sure as
men that you're visual,
00:12:53.94\00:12:56.94
make sure you're with somebody
00:12:56.97\00:12:58.31
who you don't mind
looking at everyday, you know,
00:12:58.34\00:13:00.44
who you think is beautiful.
00:13:00.48\00:13:02.11
And so that was definitely
on list there, you know.
00:13:02.14\00:13:04.61
I got that on my list.
00:13:04.65\00:13:05.98
Let me say, I'm
gonna show my list, okay.
00:13:06.01\00:13:07.35
I got that on my list,
beautiful, good personality,
00:13:07.38\00:13:11.52
you know, make me
laugh, you know, funny
00:13:11.55\00:13:14.82
and then the
third one, the main one,
00:13:14.86\00:13:17.66
they got to know how to cook.
00:13:17.69\00:13:19.03
Oh, yes.
00:13:19.06\00:13:21.56
And, of course, you know,
00:13:21.60\00:13:22.93
of course, of course, the first,
00:13:22.96\00:13:24.30
I mean, back I'm a pastor,
first, relationship with God,
00:13:24.33\00:13:26.77
obviously, you know,
that's gonna shape everything.
00:13:26.80\00:13:29.14
But I'm-- Praise God
that I did find, you know,
00:13:29.17\00:13:32.51
a wife that actually fits
at least those four things
00:13:32.54\00:13:36.14
that I mentioned that fits
in those categories, you know,
00:13:36.18\00:13:38.41
she can cook.
00:13:38.45\00:13:40.68
She's a fine
Jamaican woman. She can cook.
00:13:40.72\00:13:43.59
But great personality.
We always laugh together.
00:13:43.62\00:13:45.12
You know, so that's
great. Praise God for that.
00:13:45.15\00:13:47.36
And she is fine, yes.
00:13:47.39\00:13:50.76
She's beautiful, you
know. And she loves God.
00:13:50.79\00:13:52.93
More, you know, more
importantly she loves God.
00:13:52.96\00:13:54.30
So those things were mine.
00:13:54.33\00:13:56.26
Now, now I don't know
somebody would argue now, okay.
00:13:56.30\00:13:58.63
Did you really had to
put she has to cook on there,
00:13:58.67\00:14:00.44
you know, something like that.
00:14:00.47\00:14:01.80
But maybe there are some things
00:14:01.84\00:14:03.34
that you should
not have on a list.
00:14:03.37\00:14:04.71
So let's talk about the things
00:14:04.74\00:14:06.07
you should not
have on your list, okay.
00:14:06.11\00:14:07.44
What are some things that
maybe are a little bit far
00:14:07.48\00:14:10.01
reaching in terms of
your list that you make?
00:14:10.05\00:14:13.35
Ladies, again we'll
start with you, guys.
00:14:13.38\00:14:14.82
Go ahead.
00:14:14.85\00:14:16.28
Well... You
should have on the list.
00:14:16.32\00:14:19.02
Yeah.
00:14:19.05\00:14:21.22
I think that women are much
more detail-oriented than guys.
00:14:21.26\00:14:25.59
So I would say
it's not necessary
00:14:25.63\00:14:27.20
that something you
shouldn't have on your list,
00:14:27.23\00:14:28.90
but I will be very weary
about how detailed you get.
00:14:28.93\00:14:33.03
So I want a man who has a job.
00:14:33.07\00:14:35.50
Amen.
00:14:35.54\00:14:36.87
Yes, amen. Amen? Amen?
00:14:36.91\00:14:39.07
Has a job.
00:14:39.11\00:14:40.44
But I don't want to say, well,
00:14:40.48\00:14:41.81
I want a man who
has a six figure job
00:14:41.84\00:14:44.15
that makes this much
money, that works from this.
00:14:44.18\00:14:47.18
I mean, of course, you
can tell all your wants
00:14:47.22\00:14:49.08
and desires, but I'll
be careful about boxing,
00:14:49.12\00:14:53.25
boxing a person in.
00:14:53.29\00:14:54.62
So I would say
just be, be general
00:14:54.66\00:14:58.19
and just avoid
being way too detailed.
00:14:58.23\00:15:00.86
I want someone who
drives a green BMW like,
00:15:00.90\00:15:04.40
and I believe,
like I said I believe
00:15:04.43\00:15:05.77
that God can do anything,
00:15:05.80\00:15:07.14
but I want to, I
want to, you know,
00:15:07.17\00:15:08.90
make sure is how my young ladies
00:15:08.94\00:15:10.27
that it's okay to be honest,
00:15:10.31\00:15:12.27
but I will also
say don't box God in.
00:15:12.31\00:15:14.04
Yeah, yeah, it's good.
00:15:14.08\00:15:15.48
One thing I would add is
something that I had to learn
00:15:15.51\00:15:17.91
is not to have on the
list somebody that's perfect
00:15:17.95\00:15:21.58
or somebody that
has no past mistakes.
00:15:21.62\00:15:24.29
We have to
realize that everybody
00:15:24.32\00:15:25.65
is coming from
different backgrounds.
00:15:25.69\00:15:27.16
They have different
struggles, different issues
00:15:27.19\00:15:28.86
so when someone is, when you
are about to talk to someone,
00:15:28.89\00:15:31.36
you can make, oh, my goodness.
00:15:31.39\00:15:32.73
You've had sex before? No.
00:15:32.76\00:15:34.10
We cannot do
this or even saying,
00:15:34.13\00:15:38.27
you had issues,
you used to do drugs.
00:15:38.30\00:15:41.10
Sometimes we need to realize
that God can redeem people
00:15:41.14\00:15:43.61
and forward with that.
00:15:43.64\00:15:44.97
So that's a major
thing not to put on the list.
00:15:45.01\00:15:48.41
No past experience.
00:15:48.44\00:15:49.78
And when you said that I
was thinking about how a lot of,
00:15:49.81\00:15:51.78
you know, even now, our
age, a lot of people still have,
00:15:51.81\00:15:54.18
may have, you know,
children who've been
00:15:54.22\00:15:55.55
in past relationship
or married, you know,
00:15:55.58\00:15:57.45
there are some things
that you may say, well,
00:15:57.49\00:15:59.62
that's not what
I planned to have,
00:15:59.65\00:16:01.09
but God may say this is where
I want you to be at this time.
00:16:01.12\00:16:02.86
Yeah, yeah.
00:16:02.89\00:16:04.23
I think what I would say
about not having on the list
00:16:04.26\00:16:09.03
is things that
limit to God, you know,
00:16:09.06\00:16:12.53
'cause God is a
limitless person.
00:16:12.57\00:16:15.40
You may say you want.
00:16:15.44\00:16:17.91
And you can give God. Trust me.
00:16:17.94\00:16:19.91
You can give God
your preferences,
00:16:19.94\00:16:23.35
but don't make your
preference a non-negotiable
00:16:23.38\00:16:27.22
because then you, then you
totally could miss out God,
00:16:27.25\00:16:30.99
on God's blessings 'cause
you can say you want a 6'2",
00:16:31.02\00:16:35.89
you know, black, handsome.
00:16:35.92\00:16:38.43
Tall, dark and handsome.
00:16:38.46\00:16:39.79
Morris Chestnut
looking kind of guy, you know,
00:16:39.83\00:16:42.96
who works out,
has a six pack and...
00:16:43.00\00:16:45.83
I'm already taken Jeanne...
00:16:45.87\00:16:47.20
Has a six pack and has
a, works a six figure job.
00:16:51.37\00:16:54.88
And is single and not married.
00:16:54.91\00:16:56.24
And is single and not
married with two kids.
00:16:56.28\00:16:58.28
Right here, John, he is...
00:16:58.31\00:17:01.65
Oh, man.
00:17:01.68\00:17:03.02
But what you could be missing
out on is maybe 6'3" guy,
00:17:03.05\00:17:07.92
who has a seven figure job or,
you know, or even five figure.
00:17:07.96\00:17:13.43
Yeah. Or men that has a job.
00:17:13.46\00:17:15.06
Or the man that just has
a job, and a good job a day.
00:17:15.10\00:17:17.77
Or is just hard
working. Talk to Corey.
00:17:17.80\00:17:19.17
Or...
00:17:19.20\00:17:21.74
And that's what I'm saying.
00:17:21.77\00:17:23.10
So when we, when
we get so specific
00:17:23.14\00:17:25.41
that we get unrealistic, I
mean, then it's like, yeah,
00:17:25.44\00:17:30.15
what do you--
You know, you know,
00:17:30.18\00:17:32.48
some of these
things that we put on list,
00:17:32.51\00:17:34.38
literally only a magician
can do and we, you know.
00:17:34.42\00:17:38.12
And marriage is too important
00:17:38.15\00:17:40.62
to peg it on a
rabbit in a hat, you know.
00:17:40.66\00:17:44.39
Yeah. It's deep.
00:17:44.43\00:17:46.49
Yeah, I would
say I agree with Kim.
00:17:46.53\00:17:48.30
Money is something that I
would not put on the list.
00:17:48.33\00:17:50.57
It is a desire that I
wanted, I mean, for a while,
00:17:50.60\00:17:52.47
I wanted to, you know,
marry a doctor, you know,
00:17:52.50\00:17:54.80
somebody who just
makes a lot of money after--
00:17:54.84\00:17:56.60
Yeah. Especially
the pastor, right?
00:17:56.64\00:17:57.97
Yeah, I can retire one
day, you know, with the kids,
00:17:58.01\00:18:00.81
you know.
00:18:00.84\00:18:02.18
But I realized at
the end of the day,
00:18:02.21\00:18:03.55
there is things
that are far more
00:18:03.58\00:18:05.55
better value in a relationship
00:18:05.58\00:18:07.35
that I should be looking for
than the money that she makes.
00:18:07.38\00:18:10.12
I think us being able to
have decent conversation,
00:18:10.15\00:18:12.89
she understands me,
you know, she cooks well
00:18:12.92\00:18:14.92
and we can sit
down, we're best friends,
00:18:14.96\00:18:16.79
we have a good relationship.
00:18:16.83\00:18:18.23
That thing trumps
money every single time.
00:18:18.26\00:18:21.03
And, you know, there's always
a potential to make more money
00:18:21.06\00:18:23.60
and there's
always a potential to,
00:18:23.63\00:18:24.97
you know, lose your job.
00:18:25.00\00:18:26.33
So are you gonna
base a relationship
00:18:26.37\00:18:28.14
on how much money
that person makes?
00:18:28.17\00:18:29.80
To me, that's fickle
and that's not enough.
00:18:29.84\00:18:31.81
Yeah, I mean, you have to
see what your value in life.
00:18:31.84\00:18:33.81
I mean, man, for me, my
wife, when we just knowing
00:18:33.84\00:18:35.94
that we can sit down
and talk about anything.
00:18:35.98\00:18:37.31
Yeah, it's beautiful.
00:18:37.35\00:18:38.68
The communication, I mean,
00:18:38.71\00:18:40.05
that is just so
priceless to have,
00:18:40.08\00:18:41.42
you know, and I,
and I found that in her.
00:18:41.45\00:18:42.78
I said, "Man, this is-- I
mean, even if you can't cook,
00:18:42.82\00:18:44.15
like this is, you know, this is,
00:18:44.19\00:18:45.59
this is it because of our,
00:18:45.62\00:18:46.96
of our connection that we have."
00:18:46.99\00:18:48.32
And I think craving after that,
00:18:48.36\00:18:49.69
you said craving
after the money, you know,
00:18:49.72\00:18:52.09
really kind of tells a
little about yourself too
00:18:52.13\00:18:53.96
and what you value.
00:18:54.00\00:18:55.33
And I also think, you know,
00:18:55.36\00:18:56.70
what Jeanne
said about perfection
00:18:56.73\00:18:58.20
and the ladies were
speaking about perfection,
00:18:58.23\00:18:59.67
as women, you know, our desire,
00:18:59.70\00:19:03.71
generally speaking is
I like to say nurturing
00:19:03.74\00:19:06.11
and we want to be nurturers.
00:19:06.14\00:19:07.48
And so sometimes we can
make this composite person.
00:19:07.51\00:19:12.78
Well, there was
this guy and he was funny
00:19:12.81\00:19:14.45
and there was this
guy and he was tall,
00:19:14.48\00:19:16.55
dark and handsome and
then there was this guy,
00:19:16.58\00:19:18.09
he made a lot of money.
00:19:18.12\00:19:19.45
And so we put
all of these things
00:19:19.49\00:19:21.39
that we like from a
bunch of different people
00:19:21.42\00:19:24.29
all into one person
and expect one person
00:19:24.33\00:19:27.96
to meet all that needs
and we start to nurture
00:19:28.00\00:19:30.57
that imaginary person within us,
00:19:30.60\00:19:33.27
through our little
fantasies in our, you know,
00:19:33.30\00:19:35.50
imaginations and
the dream wedding.
00:19:35.54\00:19:38.14
And the things is,
put things on your list
00:19:38.17\00:19:40.54
that extend a wedding day.
00:19:40.58\00:19:41.91
Right.
00:19:41.94\00:19:43.28
That that really
would lend to itself
00:19:43.31\00:19:44.91
to you being
happy in a marriage.
00:19:44.95\00:19:47.02
Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah.
00:19:47.05\00:19:49.08
And that's well said.
00:19:49.12\00:19:50.45
And it leads us
to our next point
00:19:50.49\00:19:51.82
because now if you're in
relationship with someone
00:19:51.85\00:19:53.49
and you're getting married
or you're looking to marry,
00:19:53.52\00:19:55.46
now that person
doesn't have all the things
00:19:55.49\00:19:57.33
you thought your list, you know,
00:19:57.36\00:19:59.39
has or they should have.
00:19:59.43\00:20:01.53
How do you keep from now
pointing fingers and saying,
00:20:01.56\00:20:04.73
well, wait as second,
00:20:04.77\00:20:06.10
you don't cook that
stuff like my mom does
00:20:06.13\00:20:07.47
or you don't do that
thing like my dad did,
00:20:07.50\00:20:09.10
you know, you don't open
the doors for me, you know,
00:20:09.14\00:20:10.81
that was on my list.
00:20:10.84\00:20:12.17
You are doing
that thing, you know.
00:20:12.21\00:20:13.54
How do you then, if you
said, "Okay, fine, God, okay.
00:20:13.58\00:20:16.85
This person would fit my
list. I'm going for them.
00:20:16.88\00:20:18.71
How do you now
reorganize your thoughts
00:20:18.75\00:20:20.12
that not always follow
your list in a relationship?"
00:20:20.15\00:20:23.08
Oh, wow.
00:20:23.12\00:20:24.45
That's, that's--
00:20:24.49\00:20:25.82
I think the
important thing is recognizing
00:20:25.85\00:20:29.49
the value of that relationship,
focusing on the good.
00:20:29.52\00:20:34.76
If you want to
focus on bad things,
00:20:34.80\00:20:36.63
if I-- It doesn't matter
what relationship you're in.
00:20:36.67\00:20:40.10
I could be in a
relationship-- I mean, well,
00:20:40.14\00:20:42.47
Kim and I are friends.
00:20:42.50\00:20:43.84
Yes, we're
friends. Yes, we're friends.
00:20:43.87\00:20:46.17
But if I want to
pick at every bad thing
00:20:46.21\00:20:51.08
that is wrong with our
friendship, which is yeah...
00:20:51.11\00:20:54.52
Don't you think
we have a friendship?
00:20:54.55\00:20:58.82
You always find bad things.
00:20:58.85\00:21:00.69
It doesn't matter if
you're always looking for bad,
00:21:00.72\00:21:02.82
you will always find bad.
00:21:02.86\00:21:04.19
It's true. Yeah.
00:21:04.23\00:21:05.56
And I think it's really
important to focus on the good.
00:21:05.59\00:21:07.30
And once you focus on the good,
00:21:07.33\00:21:08.66
you will be surprised
that how much good there is,
00:21:08.70\00:21:12.00
much more good I should say
00:21:12.03\00:21:13.57
than the things
that you thought about.
00:21:13.60\00:21:15.27
And I think that's
what you need to think about
00:21:15.30\00:21:17.21
is it's not you have
chosen to be in this person,
00:21:17.24\00:21:21.38
to be with this
person, with this person
00:21:21.41\00:21:25.45
and the fact that
you're with this person means
00:21:25.48\00:21:27.58
that there's something about
that person that gels for you.
00:21:27.62\00:21:31.95
Right. So focus on those things.
00:21:31.99\00:21:34.22
It could just be that
they have a great personality.
00:21:34.26\00:21:37.29
Yeah.
00:21:37.33\00:21:38.66
Or they make jokes that you get
00:21:38.69\00:21:41.33
or maybe you are the only one
who gets their jokes, you know.
00:21:41.36\00:21:44.67
Those are the things that that
I think make for a great life.
00:21:44.70\00:21:48.50
Yeah. You're
teaching that, Jeanne.
00:21:48.54\00:21:49.87
I like them. All right.
00:21:49.90\00:21:51.24
I think you need to realize
00:21:51.27\00:21:52.61
that your list is
not more important
00:21:52.64\00:21:54.31
than the person
that you are with.
00:21:54.34\00:21:56.18
Sometimes we go
through the process of, okay,
00:21:56.21\00:21:58.21
I found this
person, he seems teachable.
00:21:58.25\00:22:00.72
So let me teach you how to
be everything that's on my list.
00:22:00.75\00:22:03.35
You have potential.
00:22:03.39\00:22:04.72
Let me teach you
how to be ambitious,
00:22:04.75\00:22:06.09
let me teach you how to do this,
00:22:06.12\00:22:07.46
whatever is on the list.
00:22:07.49\00:22:08.82
And sometimes when
you approach a person,
00:22:08.86\00:22:10.19
you need to realize
that the person most likely
00:22:10.23\00:22:12.49
is gonna stay that way
00:22:12.53\00:22:13.90
if they don't choose
to change for themselves.
00:22:13.93\00:22:15.60
You can't force
that person to change.
00:22:15.63\00:22:18.00
So you just toss
out the list and say,
00:22:18.03\00:22:19.70
if this is the person
whom I'm gonna be with,
00:22:19.73\00:22:21.40
then let's accept
them for who they are
00:22:21.44\00:22:23.37
and move on with that.
00:22:23.41\00:22:24.74
Yeah, all right. Definitely.
00:22:24.77\00:22:26.11
I mean, I know I've
been guilty of that.
00:22:26.14\00:22:27.48
Trying to change
somebody at your will,
00:22:27.51\00:22:28.84
trying to make them be
like somebody else, you know,
00:22:28.88\00:22:30.51
and I've been
even the one being,
00:22:30.55\00:22:32.51
trying to be changed,
00:22:32.55\00:22:33.88
you know, to be
like somebody else.
00:22:33.92\00:22:35.25
So, yeah, I
mean, that's a big one.
00:22:35.28\00:22:37.15
Those are two really
good points you're making
00:22:37.19\00:22:39.05
and guarding,
safeguarding yourself
00:22:39.09\00:22:40.69
when you have this list.
00:22:40.72\00:22:42.09
Yeah, I would
possibly also add that
00:22:42.12\00:22:44.89
you need to know what
you're willing to deal with.
00:22:44.93\00:22:47.76
And that should
probably be on your list.
00:22:47.80\00:22:50.20
Am I willing to
deal with a person
00:22:50.23\00:22:51.73
that let's say
has had sex before?
00:22:51.77\00:22:54.17
Am I willing to deal with
a person that has three kids
00:22:54.20\00:22:57.01
with three different mothers?
00:22:57.04\00:22:58.91
What am I willing to deal with
00:22:58.94\00:23:00.38
and probably had
that on your list,
00:23:00.41\00:23:01.74
so you can have an idea of okay,
00:23:01.78\00:23:03.11
if this person comes
and they are not perfect,
00:23:03.14\00:23:05.21
but they have these issues,
I can't-- I'm not gonna panic
00:23:05.25\00:23:08.62
'cause I think I have
the capacity to deal with,
00:23:08.65\00:23:10.42
I'm mature enough to
deal with these situations.
00:23:10.45\00:23:12.09
Okay. Yeah.
00:23:12.12\00:23:13.86
Okay, go ahead, go ahead.
00:23:13.89\00:23:15.22
I would say I would
just want to chime off
00:23:15.26\00:23:16.59
for what
Brittany said, you know.
00:23:16.62\00:23:18.03
I think that we do come
into relationships, you know,
00:23:18.06\00:23:20.80
with this potential model saying
00:23:20.83\00:23:22.73
that I can make
this person better
00:23:22.76\00:23:24.17
or I can change
them this little thing,
00:23:24.20\00:23:25.93
but I think when you
come to point of marriage,
00:23:25.97\00:23:28.44
you are basically saying to God
00:23:28.47\00:23:29.80
and to the world,
00:23:29.84\00:23:31.17
you know, let's
just give an example,
00:23:31.21\00:23:32.87
my future wife leaves,
you know, dishes in the sink,
00:23:32.91\00:23:35.14
I don't like that.
00:23:35.18\00:23:36.51
And it's my pet
peeve and I hate it.
00:23:36.54\00:23:37.88
It's the worst
thing in the world,
00:23:37.91\00:23:39.25
you know what I mean?
00:23:39.28\00:23:40.62
But when you're in a marriage,
you have to come to the point
00:23:40.65\00:23:43.28
where you're saying, even
if this thing does not change,
00:23:43.32\00:23:46.25
I'm still willing
to be with this person.
00:23:46.29\00:23:48.19
If it never change,
if it never get's better
00:23:48.22\00:23:49.99
and I gotta suffer through it,
I want to be with that person.
00:23:50.03\00:23:52.56
But also, I
think Proverbs 3:5, 6,
00:23:52.59\00:23:55.03
I think that comes
into play, you know,
00:23:55.06\00:23:56.73
I won't quote the
whole thing, but it says,
00:23:56.77\00:23:58.13
"He will direct
your path." Amen.
00:23:58.17\00:24:00.34
And I think that when you
come to the point of marriage,
00:24:00.37\00:24:02.87
you need to have some
inkling or some awareness, man.
00:24:02.90\00:24:05.44
God brought me
into this marriage.
00:24:05.47\00:24:07.04
So therefore, if everything
doesn't workout the way
00:24:07.31\00:24:09.21
I planned it, still God is
at the forefront of my marriage.
00:24:09.24\00:24:12.51
He wanted me to be here.
00:24:12.55\00:24:13.88
But when you didn't put
God first in the first place,
00:24:13.92\00:24:15.78
well, you can't say that.
00:24:15.82\00:24:17.15
And so you have no
hope and you have no trust.
00:24:17.19\00:24:18.52
Yeah, yeah.
00:24:18.55\00:24:19.89
And I was just gonna say
00:24:19.92\00:24:21.26
that expectations can
be a relationship killer.
00:24:21.29\00:24:23.12
You come to the table,
well, he should do this
00:24:23.16\00:24:24.76
and I should do this and
she should look like this
00:24:24.79\00:24:26.49
and she should dress like this
00:24:26.53\00:24:27.86
and whenever we get
into all these things,
00:24:27.90\00:24:29.86
communication.
00:24:29.90\00:24:31.23
When you're dating somebody,
00:24:31.27\00:24:32.60
you're getting to know somebody,
00:24:32.63\00:24:33.97
you got to put,
put not yourself,
00:24:34.00\00:24:35.50
and all of
yourself on the table,
00:24:35.54\00:24:37.61
but put your
expectations on the table,
00:24:37.64\00:24:40.18
this is what I
like, this I what I enjoy,
00:24:40.21\00:24:42.44
this makes me feel
special or important.
00:24:42.48\00:24:44.78
This is, I mean, I
leave the dishes in the sink,
00:24:44.81\00:24:47.18
now of course,
there are gonna be things
00:24:47.22\00:24:48.55
that you just won't
know until you get married,
00:24:48.58\00:24:51.15
but for the most part,
00:24:51.19\00:24:52.52
try to get to
know the other person,
00:24:52.55\00:24:54.26
try to see the
person for who they are,
00:24:54.29\00:24:56.19
talk about things have
communication, dialogue
00:24:56.22\00:24:59.23
and that'll really
open itself and lend itself
00:24:59.26\00:25:02.13
to sharing some of
those things on your list.
00:25:02.16\00:25:05.00
Really quickly, Jeanne.
00:25:05.03\00:25:06.37
I was gonna say that one thing--
00:25:06.40\00:25:08.27
I love the
conversation that's going on,
00:25:08.30\00:25:10.67
one thing we
also have to remember.
00:25:10.71\00:25:12.04
Everybody comes
with the level of crazy.
00:25:12.07\00:25:14.71
Everybody has...
Some more than others.
00:25:14.74\00:25:18.71
Extra does. Testify.
00:25:18.75\00:25:20.82
Some degrees of crazy
or higher than others,
00:25:20.85\00:25:23.99
but everybody
has a level of crazy.
00:25:24.02\00:25:26.76
You just have to
be willing to deal
00:25:26.79\00:25:29.19
with their level of crazy.
00:25:29.22\00:25:30.99
And that's it. I like that.
00:25:31.03\00:25:32.36
Let's get away. All right.
00:25:32.39\00:25:33.73
But before we close,
Brittany is gonna give us
00:25:33.76\00:25:35.46
a little
testimony of her experience.
00:25:35.50\00:25:37.00
Go ahead.
00:25:37.03\00:25:38.37
Okay, personally
for me, presently,
00:25:38.40\00:25:40.97
I'm about to get
married in a couple of months.
00:25:41.00\00:25:42.90
Yeah. Amen.
00:25:42.94\00:25:44.27
Yes, amen.
00:25:44.31\00:25:45.64
And when I first started
this whole dating process,
00:25:45.67\00:25:49.31
I didn't really
have an extensive list.
00:25:49.34\00:25:51.31
There was only like three
main things that were important,
00:25:51.35\00:25:54.05
a relationship with
God, a sense of humor.
00:25:54.08\00:25:56.72
I don't remember what
third thing is right now.
00:25:56.75\00:25:58.35
So we just drove over with that.
00:25:58.39\00:26:00.26
And now that I am
with my fiance Xavier,
00:26:00.29\00:26:06.29
there are certain
things I don't think
00:26:06.33\00:26:07.66
I would have been
able to put on a list.
00:26:07.70\00:26:10.37
He fulfills so
many different elements.
00:26:10.40\00:26:12.93
He uplifts me as a pastor.
00:26:12.97\00:26:16.30
He continues to tell everybody,
00:26:16.34\00:26:17.67
she's a senior pastor,
let her do, he continues,
00:26:17.71\00:26:19.97
he always encourages me
00:26:20.01\00:26:21.94
and he sees my
potential and keeps them.
00:26:21.98\00:26:23.78
I don't think I would've
able to put that on a list.
00:26:23.81\00:26:27.88
With all the situations
that I've been dealing with,
00:26:27.92\00:26:30.09
trying to mature and grow,
00:26:30.12\00:26:32.19
I don't think I would've
been able to put on the list
00:26:32.22\00:26:33.82
someone who's gonna
able to deal with me
00:26:33.86\00:26:36.12
'cause I can be, you
know, I have a level of crazy.
00:26:36.16\00:26:39.96
Everybody is crazy. Yeah.
00:26:40.00\00:26:41.33
And honestly, I
feel like God said,
00:26:41.36\00:26:44.10
"Brittany, you had a list,
00:26:44.13\00:26:45.47
but this is the
person that's better like.
00:26:45.50\00:26:47.90
He showed it in me.
00:26:47.94\00:26:49.27
I probably had a
list of this high.
00:26:49.30\00:26:51.07
And, yeah, he's not black.
00:26:51.11\00:26:54.18
So all of these I
couldn't put this on the list,
00:26:54.21\00:26:56.68
but God was like, this is
who I really have for you."
00:26:56.71\00:26:58.81
Amen.
00:26:58.85\00:27:00.18
And this is how it's
gonna help you forever.
00:27:00.22\00:27:02.48
Wow. Amen.
00:27:02.52\00:27:03.85
That is awesome.
00:27:03.89\00:27:05.22
You know, that's the
beauty of it right there
00:27:05.25\00:27:06.59
When we allow our
list to not be our list,
00:27:06.62\00:27:09.16
but to be God's list,
00:27:09.19\00:27:10.59
He then gives us the
person we need to be with.
00:27:10.63\00:27:12.56
That's definitely my testimony.
00:27:12.59\00:27:13.93
You know, and I appreciate
you're sharing that, you know,
00:27:13.96\00:27:15.76
being engaged and about
to get married and stuff.
00:27:15.80\00:27:17.93
So we praise God for that.
00:27:17.97\00:27:19.30
And, you know, there are
so many things that we can go
00:27:19.33\00:27:20.67
and I would
encourage our viewers
00:27:20.70\00:27:22.04
that you take some time to pray
00:27:22.07\00:27:24.21
and ask God what is
that God will have you to do
00:27:24.24\00:27:26.51
and where we would
have, you go with the people
00:27:26.54\00:27:27.88
and relationships that you have.
00:27:27.91\00:27:29.24
I'm gonna close with this verse.
00:27:29.28\00:27:30.61
This is Psalms 139:16.
00:27:30.65\00:27:33.01
It says, "You saw
me before I was born
00:27:33.05\00:27:34.75
and scheduled
each day of my life
00:27:34.78\00:27:36.38
before I began to breathe.
00:27:36.42\00:27:38.49
Everyday was
recorded in your book."
00:27:38.52\00:27:41.26
I love that because God
records our life in His book.
00:27:41.29\00:27:44.89
He has a list for us.
00:27:44.93\00:27:46.36
It's not about what we want,
but it's about what He wants.
00:27:46.39\00:27:49.13
So I praise God for
that and if anything else,
00:27:49.16\00:27:52.17
always remember to
always make pure choices.
00:27:52.20\00:27:55.40
God bless you. Thank you.
00:27:55.44\00:27:56.77