Welcome to Pure Choices.
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We're so glad you
decided to join us again today.
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And we have another hot topic
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we're going to
just dive right into.
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I have my guest
with me again today.
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I'm going to go in and
just want to introduce you
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to them again.
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We have Pastor Alfonzo
Greene, who is the pastor
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at the First SDA
Church in Huntsville, Alabama.
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We have Pastor Michael Polite,
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who's at Riverside
Chapel SDA Church in...
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Where are you? Nashville?
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Tennessee.
Nashville. Music city.
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We have my sister Lola
Moore, who is pastoring
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at the Open University
Church in Huntsville as well.
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And then my
brother Michael Kelley,
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who is joining us all the
way from Riverside California,
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the Mt. Rubidoux SDA Church.
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And I am your host
pastor Seth Yelorda.
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And we're just glad to be here.
We're glad to be here, right?
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We are glad to be here.
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And today, we
specifically will be dealing
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with friends with benefits.
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And we really want
to unpack this thing.
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Now, it's interesting
because in a previous program
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we talked about dating
and how far was too far?
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In that program we took the time
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to establish that, man,
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when you're in this
developmental period,
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where you just really
trying to discover who you are,
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that you should have as
many friends as possible.
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Whether that's high
school, whether that's college,
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you don't want to get hooked
up into exclusive relationships,
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where you're
obligated to be with somebody
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but you just want to have
as many friends as possible.
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But what
happens in that is that,
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in you having a lot of
friends, a lot of times,
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you know, you get a little
bit too close to the person,
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there's little interest there
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and you wind up
doing some things that,
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you know, you
probably shouldn't be doing.
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You're not
committed to each other,
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you're not married
and what happens is,
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you know, it's kind of like a,
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you scratch my
back, I'll scratch yours.
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Yes, yes.
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And we just kind
of keep it that way.
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Except you're
not scratching backs.
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Except you're not scratch backs.
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Massaging backs.
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You know, caressing
backs. Caressing backs.
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Yes. You know...
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And that's what we
call friends with benefits.
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And we just
want to deal with it.
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We know there's
something real talk
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that's happening at
college campuses, high schools,
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you know, just
with youth, young adults
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and even with adults
not married it is happening.
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Let's deal with this
thing. Where do we go with this?
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What's our
council? What's our word?
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You know, what's the Word of God
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say about friends with benefits?
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Yeah, well, I think
what we have to establish
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where we were
before was the idea
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of what the ideal is.
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And what I think
we've got to understand
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and we'll explain
that very specifically
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is friends with benefits, I
think takes away the idea...
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It makes it
more difficult rather
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for you to
experience God's ideal.
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And one of things
where we talked about
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in previous
programs about masturbation
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when we talked
about pleasure, orgasm,
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all those things were
meant to be experienced
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with a spouse.
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Where a lot of the
things that take place
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was with friends with benefits
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were only reserved for a spouse.
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So we're kind of
cheating ourselves from that
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when we start experiencing it,
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you know, with more
than one individual.
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As I look at the phrase,
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I think of why
is it so attractive?
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Why, what leads us to
want a friend with benefits?
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And one thing that I
think all of humanity
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has been able to decipher
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is that being in a monogamous,
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committed
relationship bring some tension.
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It brings some drama,
brings what I call refinement.
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Sacrifice. Sacrifice.
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All of that good stuff.
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So how do I get to the
benefit of the sexuality
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without having to
go through all of that.
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I just get a
friend, we make this pact,
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a mutual agreement
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that we're not really
requiring much of each other,
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we're just going to
enjoy each other's bodies.
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What's wrong with that?
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Or is there
something, I mean, we know,
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and you just said, you know,
it's outside of God's ideal
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but for that person
who is watching, saying,
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I know but you know,
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we're just having fun,
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you know, we're not
really hurting anything,
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it's not like we're having sex,
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you know, we're just making out,
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you know,
what's the probability?
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Sexuality is not
an amusement park,
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and we think of it like that.
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We think of it as,
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I'm just going
to pay my interest,
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get on the ride,
enjoy while it last,
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when it's is over, I
move to the next ride.
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Right, right, right.
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And with an arrangement
which is what we're saying,
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friends with benefits
means that these two individuals
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have an arrangement
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that over a
certain period of time
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that they would be
together whether exclusively
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or whatever, these
are bonding activities.
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And so exactly
what these individuals
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are aiming not to
achieve which is to be tied down
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or to be in a relationship,
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they actually really are doing
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although there is no
verbal agreement to that.
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So I'm thinking
that when we talk about
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having a friend with
benefits, we have to understand
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that these two
people are bonding together,
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they are in a relationship.
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When you say bonding
like what exactly is that?
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Say, what do you
mean when you say bonding?
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There is...
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Like just hanging out,
I mean, what's happening?
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There is a chemical
reaction that occurs in humans
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when they have
activities together,
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even when a person
is brought to orgasm,
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there are chemicals
that fire off in the mind
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that bond these
two people together
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and so while I
may be with a person
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and say, "Okay, I
want to have a friend
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with benefits that way,
there's no strings attached."
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When we are engaging X, Y,
Z, there are chemical reactions
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that are bonding
me to that person
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because our
sexuality was meant to be
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or meant to be experienced,
thank you, within the course
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of a monogamous
eternal relationship.
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And so the body is doing
what it was created to do.
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You know, I think
there's something I add to that
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and I remember, you
know, talking certain idea
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with David and Bathsheba.
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You know, there's
always an argument
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who is to blame
David or Bathsheba.
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And the thing that the
person we went from was,
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what happened with both of them,
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as they both in a
certain way made themselves
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available to one another.
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And see what this thing
with friends with benefits,
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and we talked about
the anatomy of an affair
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and we said, affairs begin
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when people make themselves
available to someone else
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other than their spouse.
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And available is
not just physically?
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It's in all different areas.
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Emotionally available
and all of that, yeah.
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All of that.
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But with that we
really discovered
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is something that
really was interesting to me,
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is that we practice
making ourselves available
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to more than one person
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with that friends with benefits.
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So if I have a lot of
friends with benefits,
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I'm making myself
available to you, you, you,
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then all of a sudden you think
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I'm going to be
able to turn that off
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and only be
available to one person.
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So what makes it difficult is,
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if I'm continually this
idea of friends with benefits,
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I'm just
getting used to the idea
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of one, two, three, four
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and so when I
get in this marriage,
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I still in some way
need one, two, three, four
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and I'm making myself available
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because that's what
friends with benefits are.
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I'm making
myself available in ways
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to people that should
only be reserved for a spouse.
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You know, that's a good point,
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and it actually
reminds me of somebody,
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my mother told
me when I was like
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coming up high school,
college, first years of college
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and I was dating
different individuals
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and she says, Seth, I
just want to be careful
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because when you're in
multiple relationships,
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you're dating
someone then you break up,
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you give someone
else, you break up,
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get back with the
other person and break up.
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She said, what
you're actually doing
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is you're practicing divorce.
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You know, you get with
someone and then you break up,
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and then you give someone
else and then you break up,
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she says, you're
practicing divorce.
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So that when you get married
what you actually gonna do?
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What you've always done.
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You know, you come to a point
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where, you know, this
person is getting on my nerves,
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I don't like him anymore,
you know, whatever, whatever,
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and it's just
very easy to pull out
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and to be like, you
know, throw the deuces
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and go a different direction
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because that's what I
accustomed myself to doing.
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Right.
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But you know, first,
for whatever reason though
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there is something intriguing
and just that draws us to that
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because I mean,
on a college campuses
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this is going on, high school.
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And I guess,
what I want is to help
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the viewers be
able to understand
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why is it that
you're drawn to that?
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Because if you figure
out why you're drawn to that,
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you'd be able
to figure out what,
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I think another issue is there.
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I think it's meant is just
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because it's
easier like it does,
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it appears to be
easy because I mean,
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you're still
getting that pleasure,
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you're still, you
know, doing your thing
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and you're just
saying, look, you know,
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but there's no attachment.
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I mean... Yeah, but
at what cost though?
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It's like you're getting it,
but it's costing you something.
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Why? But it doesn't.
00:09:07.88\00:09:09.21
But it's, of course
the cost is not upfront.
00:09:09.24\00:09:11.48
You only repay
the cost later on.
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Right, right, right.
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Use credit card,
use your credit card.
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Give me now, I'll pay later.
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So, you know, you're
not seeing that thing
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it seems like it's straight
00:09:18.65\00:09:19.99
but, you know,
eventually you're going
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to be tied up in this...
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Now you've told
us of a situation.
00:09:22.76\00:09:24.09
I know.
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Now share with our viewers, man.
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You know, stop being
shy, share with our viewers.
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Let's pit him out
there. Let's pit him out there.
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Just timing the bus.
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I mean, well, I
mean, I didn't...
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In this situation I
actually didn't get,
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you know, basically
I was in high school,
00:09:39.94\00:09:41.58
but why do you have to do that?
00:09:41.61\00:09:43.68
I was in high
school and a friend of mine
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was just like, yo,
you know, let's not date,
00:09:46.61\00:09:49.48
let's not be
boyfriend, girlfriend
00:09:49.52\00:09:51.55
but you know, let's
just do, make out together.
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Just kiss?
00:09:54.92\00:09:56.26
Yeah, I mean,
here's the thing though,
00:09:56.29\00:09:57.63
I mean, I wasn't like
that attracted to her,
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so I really got bitten...
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That helped out
little bit? Helped out?
00:10:00.96\00:10:03.06
That doesn't count.
00:10:03.10\00:10:04.43
I wish I could say that it was
00:10:04.47\00:10:05.80
because you know I was
so spiritual in high school
00:10:05.83\00:10:08.30
but it wasn't, it
was just that you know...
00:10:08.34\00:10:10.47
The Lord might have to
give her to different eyes.
00:10:10.51\00:10:12.11
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:10:12.14\00:10:13.48
The Lord, put the
different lids on me,
00:10:13.51\00:10:14.84
so yeah, I mean,
but it was kind of like
00:10:14.88\00:10:16.54
the same proposition
and it was just like,
00:10:16.58\00:10:18.45
look we can just do
this and we won't be affected
00:10:18.48\00:10:20.92
because we won't
have the attachment,
00:10:20.95\00:10:22.28
won't have the
commitment we can just...
00:10:22.32\00:10:25.65
And I want to
piggyback what Alfonzo,
00:10:25.69\00:10:27.52
when he says, it's easier
from the male perspective,
00:10:27.56\00:10:31.29
the one thing
that's tough for us
00:10:31.33\00:10:32.73
in a relationship is
bearing the responsibility
00:10:32.76\00:10:36.36
of protecting
someone, providing for someone,
00:10:36.40\00:10:40.00
being the stable factor that
that individual can lean on,
00:10:40.04\00:10:44.94
so now what I'm saying
through friends with benefits
00:10:44.97\00:10:47.38
is I get the
benefit of experiencing
00:10:47.41\00:10:51.61
the pleasures you provide
00:10:51.65\00:10:53.28
without the responsibility
of caring for you,
00:10:53.31\00:10:56.08
protecting you
and providing for you.
00:10:56.12\00:10:58.65
So for us it's awesome.
00:10:58.69\00:11:00.52
And it's like
self-centered sex like
00:11:00.56\00:11:01.96
we talked about on
our previous programs.
00:11:01.99\00:11:03.32
Self-centered sex, it
involves somebody else.
00:11:03.36\00:11:05.53
It involves somebody else.
00:11:05.56\00:11:06.90
You know, it's interesting,
let me give you two scenarios,
00:11:06.93\00:11:08.26
one what happens when
you in that situation,
00:11:08.30\00:11:11.57
where you have
the physical hook up
00:11:11.60\00:11:13.97
before you have
the verbal commitment,
00:11:14.00\00:11:17.14
emotional hook
up, marriage hook up.
00:11:17.17\00:11:19.67
What happens in that scenario
00:11:19.71\00:11:21.04
where you hook up
with someone physically
00:11:21.08\00:11:22.51
and then after the
fact you decide well,
00:11:22.54\00:11:23.88
let's be
together. Does it play...
00:11:23.91\00:11:25.85
Does the physical
hook up do something
00:11:25.88\00:11:27.98
to the
relationship after the fact?
00:11:28.02\00:11:29.68
Surprisingly, I
don't know how far
00:11:29.72\00:11:31.42
we're supposed to put
our own self out there,
00:11:31.45\00:11:33.46
we thank Fonz for
setting the pace on that thing
00:11:33.49\00:11:36.19
We encourage transparency.
We encourage transparency.
00:11:36.22\00:11:39.93
In my experience with
friends with benefits,
00:11:39.96\00:11:42.20
I found that even though I
tried not to take it there,
00:11:42.23\00:11:46.23
although I tried
to keep it straight
00:11:46.27\00:11:47.90
at this physical
agreement that we had,
00:11:47.94\00:11:50.97
it always led to
something further,
00:11:51.01\00:11:52.91
it always led to what I say,
00:11:52.94\00:11:54.28
at least at some
point having to sit down
00:11:54.31\00:11:55.81
and say, you know,
should we be together?
00:11:55.84\00:11:58.11
What's going on?
00:11:58.15\00:11:59.48
We were still
connected emotionally,
00:11:59.51\00:12:01.95
still connected mentally
00:12:01.98\00:12:03.82
and it was impacting
both of us spiritually.
00:12:03.85\00:12:06.32
It was kind of like
we couldn't run from it.
00:12:06.35\00:12:07.69
But you don't mind, I
think it's a good point
00:12:07.72\00:12:09.32
and I will say, I know,
00:12:09.36\00:12:10.69
Lola's going to
have that female,
00:12:10.73\00:12:12.19
give more perspective
00:12:12.23\00:12:13.56
because you said
something in another episode,
00:12:13.60\00:12:15.46
where that bonding
is different for males
00:12:15.50\00:12:18.10
than there is for females. Yeah.
00:12:18.13\00:12:19.47
See, I think that was,
Mike, the scenario you just said
00:12:19.50\00:12:21.97
where it usually led
to something that was,
00:12:22.00\00:12:25.04
I think part of our
conscience as it were speaking.
00:12:25.07\00:12:28.71
Man, I can't just be doing
that to somebody doing that.
00:12:28.74\00:12:31.01
Scaring part
though is somebody else
00:12:31.05\00:12:33.82
doesn't have that...
00:12:33.85\00:12:35.18
They don't feel
guilty. They don't need that...
00:12:35.22\00:12:36.72
But usually I
think from what you said,
00:12:36.75\00:12:38.25
she could go
and take us further,
00:12:38.29\00:12:40.06
she might be okay with
the friends with benefits
00:12:40.09\00:12:42.66
because she believes
if I can at least give him
00:12:42.69\00:12:45.16
that maybe then eventually
00:12:45.19\00:12:46.93
it will lead
into something else.
00:12:46.96\00:12:48.30
And I don't even
want to single women out
00:12:48.33\00:12:50.67
because I think that
either party could be using it
00:12:50.70\00:12:54.10
as bait for something further.
00:12:54.14\00:12:56.67
I've heard of experiences
where guys will say, okay,
00:12:56.71\00:12:59.81
well, if I can
get her to do this,
00:12:59.84\00:13:01.61
then eventually
maybe she'll move into
00:13:01.64\00:13:03.21
another realm with me.
00:13:03.24\00:13:04.91
I've heard women
do the same thing.
00:13:04.95\00:13:07.02
So I will say that
there is never cut and dry.
00:13:07.05\00:13:10.99
When you have a situation
with friends with benefits,
00:13:11.02\00:13:14.39
either somebody
already has feelings,
00:13:14.42\00:13:16.79
someone is going
to develop feelings
00:13:16.83\00:13:19.53
and you might find
yourself in a relationship
00:13:19.56\00:13:21.76
or in a situation
00:13:21.80\00:13:23.33
where you are now
connected with a person
00:13:23.37\00:13:26.20
who you're trying to
figure out how did I get here?
00:13:26.23\00:13:28.50
Why am I being here?
00:13:28.54\00:13:30.31
You know, or you realize
that you're not really attracted
00:13:30.34\00:13:32.37
to the person or whatever,
but these physical encounters
00:13:32.41\00:13:35.24
that you had
together have opened up doors
00:13:35.28\00:13:37.88
that you really
not ready to open,
00:13:37.91\00:13:39.68
we have to be careful.
00:13:39.71\00:13:41.05
That's interesting, you
know, something that our viewers
00:13:41.08\00:13:43.28
that I really
want them to understand
00:13:43.32\00:13:44.82
and we can talk
about it now is that
00:13:44.85\00:13:46.76
when it comes to relationships
00:13:46.79\00:13:48.49
and dating
specifically with women.
00:13:48.52\00:13:52.26
Now, I don't want to
say from the female side,
00:13:52.29\00:13:54.20
the value of
something is determined
00:13:54.23\00:13:58.17
by the effort to
obtain that something.
00:13:58.20\00:14:00.80
Okay. Okay.
00:14:00.84\00:14:02.17
Are you with me?
00:14:02.20\00:14:03.54
So like if you have a
precious gem or diamond,
00:14:03.57\00:14:06.07
how difficult it
was to get that diamond
00:14:06.11\00:14:08.58
would determine its value.
00:14:08.61\00:14:10.35
It's like if you have to
climb over Mount Kilimanjaro
00:14:10.38\00:14:13.11
to get that precious
diamond and you finally got it,
00:14:13.15\00:14:15.32
it's going to be of
extreme importance to you,
00:14:15.35\00:14:18.25
but if you just found that
joint in a cracker jack box,
00:14:18.29\00:14:20.76
you know, it means nothing.
00:14:20.79\00:14:22.86
And so when you have,
when you open yourself up
00:14:22.89\00:14:25.79
to have to being a
friend with benefits,
00:14:25.83\00:14:28.53
what is it
saying about your value?
00:14:28.56\00:14:31.00
And I think that's
something that we really do need
00:14:31.03\00:14:33.37
to put out there
00:14:33.40\00:14:34.74
because as you open yourself up,
00:14:34.77\00:14:37.91
it really is saying,
00:14:37.94\00:14:39.27
I don't value
myself all that much.
00:14:39.31\00:14:41.71
You know, it's okay, if
you just come in casually,
00:14:41.74\00:14:44.21
do whatever and
go out, you know.
00:14:44.25\00:14:46.25
I mean and it's portraying
that to the other person
00:14:46.28\00:14:49.62
so that the other
person really doesn't take you
00:14:49.65\00:14:52.39
very seriously
at all, you know...
00:14:52.42\00:14:55.19
And if the other person
is just willing to come in,
00:14:55.22\00:14:56.83
it's showing that
they really don't value,
00:14:56.86\00:14:58.36
they're not, they
don't value you enough
00:14:58.39\00:15:00.50
to be committed to you.
00:15:00.53\00:15:01.86
They don't value you
enough to be monogamous,
00:15:01.90\00:15:04.63
having monogamous relationship
to say, no, you listen,
00:15:04.67\00:15:06.43
I'm willing to wait on you.
00:15:06.47\00:15:08.17
You know, I don't
want to spoil you,
00:15:08.20\00:15:10.31
I want to hold
you and preserve you
00:15:10.34\00:15:12.71
until we're married so...
00:15:12.74\00:15:14.08
But our viewers guarantee
that somebody watching now
00:15:14.11\00:15:16.44
who is saying, you
know, it's not that serious,
00:15:16.48\00:15:18.58
y'all are taking
this way too deep.
00:15:18.61\00:15:20.58
And they're saying
from their perspective,
00:15:20.62\00:15:23.05
listen, it's a mutual contract.
00:15:23.08\00:15:25.52
I'm not saying that
I'm one of those dudes
00:15:25.55\00:15:28.02
who are messing with this chick
00:15:28.06\00:15:29.39
and kind of
selling her dream like
00:15:29.42\00:15:30.76
one day we will get
together and then I don't.
00:15:30.79\00:15:32.69
No, I'm the guy or I'm the
girl who has a good friend,
00:15:32.73\00:15:36.00
we've been
friends for a long time
00:15:36.03\00:15:37.97
and we both sat down
at the table and said,
00:15:38.00\00:15:41.17
oh, I mean, we
don't want a relationship
00:15:41.20\00:15:42.80
but we do believe
00:15:42.84\00:15:44.17
we can provide this
service for each other.
00:15:44.21\00:15:45.54
Or you just
hooked up at a party,
00:15:45.57\00:15:46.91
you hooked up at a
gathering, socially without...
00:15:46.94\00:15:48.38
That's a deception though.
00:15:48.41\00:15:49.74
No, but I think,
but that's where I think
00:15:49.78\00:15:52.71
even if we mutually
agree which is fine.
00:15:52.75\00:15:55.28
Let's say, two people,
you're out there right now,
00:15:55.32\00:15:57.85
both of you
aren't selling the dream,
00:15:57.89\00:15:59.22
you know, what this is?
00:15:59.25\00:16:00.89
What you've got to
understand is you're making
00:16:00.92\00:16:02.69
certain down payments
00:16:02.72\00:16:04.39
on a certain type of thing
that's happening to your body,
00:16:04.43\00:16:07.80
it's happening to your mind,
00:16:07.83\00:16:09.36
then one day you gonna
have to pay back for it.
00:16:09.40\00:16:11.83
I mean, and I
don't know all of it,
00:16:11.87\00:16:15.10
I know Dr. Walsh broke this down
00:16:15.14\00:16:17.74
with the actual
physical things that happen,
00:16:17.77\00:16:19.34
but let's just say for
instance in your brain.
00:16:19.37\00:16:22.18
When you have an
orgasm with somebody,
00:16:22.21\00:16:24.61
there's your person,
your body and your mind
00:16:24.65\00:16:28.45
attaches that
feeling to that person
00:16:28.48\00:16:32.25
like, I'm connecting,
that's why it's great
00:16:32.29\00:16:34.06
that God created for
you to have it with one
00:16:34.09\00:16:35.99
so that you're extra
aroused with that one person,
00:16:36.02\00:16:39.49
you connect
with that one person,
00:16:39.53\00:16:40.86
so other people can walk
by and be in your circle.
00:16:40.90\00:16:42.70
I'm not going to get
that same type of arousal
00:16:42.73\00:16:44.50
because I've only experienced
00:16:44.53\00:16:46.43
a certain type of
physical, chemistry intimacy
00:16:46.47\00:16:49.07
with one individual,
00:16:49.10\00:16:50.44
but what happens to us,
00:16:50.47\00:16:51.81
if that starts taking place
00:16:51.84\00:16:53.17
with different
friends with benefits,
00:16:53.21\00:16:54.54
now my mind gets accustomed
to experiencing pleasure
00:16:54.58\00:16:57.95
not just from one person,
00:16:57.98\00:16:59.88
pleasure doesn't come
from one person anymore,
00:16:59.91\00:17:01.48
has to come from another.
00:17:01.52\00:17:02.85
So I would say to that person
00:17:02.88\00:17:04.22
even though you
both have agreed,
00:17:04.25\00:17:05.59
understand if you
have an agreement here
00:17:05.62\00:17:07.22
and agreement there
and agreement there,
00:17:07.26\00:17:09.19
when you finally want to
get locked into that one person,
00:17:09.22\00:17:11.93
your body is not
going to understand that.
00:17:11.96\00:17:14.33
And what Pastor Mike is
hitting on is the fact that
00:17:14.36\00:17:16.77
mutual does not
cut out manipulation.
00:17:16.80\00:17:20.14
We think because
I sit down with you
00:17:20.17\00:17:21.84
and say this is our agreement,
let's sign on the dotted line,
00:17:21.87\00:17:24.94
we're not going to
hold each other accountable
00:17:24.97\00:17:26.57
to staying with each
other for long period of time.
00:17:26.61\00:17:28.44
No, we just have this agreement,
00:17:28.48\00:17:30.61
then we're not
manipulating each other
00:17:30.65\00:17:32.45
because we both know,
00:17:32.48\00:17:33.82
you are manipulating each other.
00:17:33.85\00:17:35.62
There is nothing
that is other centered
00:17:35.65\00:17:38.52
about friends with benefits.
00:17:38.55\00:17:40.19
But I think that
being manipulated,
00:17:40.22\00:17:42.09
you being manipulated I
think by the counterfeit
00:17:42.12\00:17:43.89
that the enemy has.
00:17:43.93\00:17:45.26
So y'all will
manipulate each other.
00:17:45.29\00:17:46.80
And I think that the
benefit of experience
00:17:46.83\00:17:50.03
is something that
our viewers need to have
00:17:50.07\00:17:52.03
because we all I believe
have sat with individuals
00:17:52.07\00:17:55.10
who are on the
other end of the lie,
00:17:55.14\00:17:57.34
who have been a
part of something
00:17:57.37\00:17:59.57
that they might agreed was okay,
00:17:59.61\00:18:02.31
but then now they
are paying the price,
00:18:02.34\00:18:04.15
you know, the tears
and the sleepless nights
00:18:04.18\00:18:06.25
or seeing
someone who you thought,
00:18:06.28\00:18:09.08
believed you were
special with someone else.
00:18:09.12\00:18:11.82
I mean, and even you
know, at my age range now,
00:18:11.85\00:18:16.02
you know, I have friends
who have engaged with things
00:18:16.06\00:18:19.53
with certain people believing
that it would end in marriage
00:18:19.56\00:18:22.46
and now they have to
sit and watch the person
00:18:22.50\00:18:24.17
get married to someone else.
00:18:24.20\00:18:25.53
Yeah, I've seen that.
00:18:25.57\00:18:26.90
And also the things
00:18:26.94\00:18:28.27
that you know that the
enemy won't tell you about.
00:18:28.30\00:18:29.97
You know, broken
dreams, broken heart,
00:18:30.01\00:18:31.61
you've given a
piece of yourself away
00:18:31.64\00:18:33.54
and thank God, God restores
00:18:33.58\00:18:35.28
and that's what
we need to also say,
00:18:35.31\00:18:36.64
God, does restore,
00:18:36.68\00:18:38.11
but the cost that we
are paying is very highly...
00:18:38.15\00:18:42.38
Somebody used the
credit card reference earlier
00:18:42.42\00:18:44.82
in a series that
interest that you pay
00:18:44.85\00:18:47.26
on that type of
behavior is monumental.
00:18:47.29\00:18:49.72
You know, some of our
viewers, as I can imagine,
00:18:49.76\00:18:52.23
the reason they engage
in this type of behavior
00:18:52.26\00:18:55.06
is from past experiences
of having been devalued
00:18:55.10\00:18:58.80
by someone in their life.
00:18:58.83\00:19:00.17
And we're gonna actually deal it
00:19:00.20\00:19:01.54
with this in another episode
00:19:01.57\00:19:02.90
of either being
abused or molested,
00:19:02.94\00:19:04.74
someone took advantage of them,
00:19:04.77\00:19:06.27
and so as a result
they have a lower value
00:19:06.31\00:19:09.04
of who they are
00:19:09.08\00:19:10.41
and so that is not a big thing
00:19:10.45\00:19:11.85
to let people just kind
of run in and out of them
00:19:11.88\00:19:13.92
or they give
themselves you know.
00:19:13.95\00:19:15.72
But what I really want
our viewers to know is that,
00:19:15.75\00:19:17.15
man, you have
extreme value in Christ.
00:19:17.19\00:19:20.12
You know, so no matter
what anyone has done to you,
00:19:20.16\00:19:23.86
through you, you
know, in your childhood,
00:19:23.89\00:19:25.86
within your life, my
Bible says that, to God,
00:19:25.89\00:19:29.06
you are the apple of His eye,
00:19:29.10\00:19:30.63
you know and I
have extreme value,
00:19:30.67\00:19:32.33
and so because I'm so valuable,
00:19:32.37\00:19:34.60
I don't just want to
give myself to any old person.
00:19:34.64\00:19:38.14
I want to preserve myself
00:19:38.17\00:19:39.51
for that person
that Christ has for me.
00:19:39.54\00:19:40.88
But even piggybacking off
00:19:40.91\00:19:42.24
that with how it's
with past experiences
00:19:42.28\00:19:43.85
not knowing your value.
00:19:43.88\00:19:45.21
I think also
friends with benefits,
00:19:45.25\00:19:47.42
you think you have game
and you've got to hooked up,
00:19:47.45\00:19:49.55
it's really defense mechanism
00:19:49.58\00:19:51.35
because you don't
want to open up yourself
00:19:51.39\00:19:54.32
to individuals with the parts,
00:19:54.36\00:19:56.83
other parts of the relationship,
00:19:56.86\00:19:58.19
the emotions and the,
00:19:58.23\00:19:59.89
you know, it may be even
some of the spiritual things.
00:19:59.93\00:20:01.50
I'm going to
say, I'm going to try
00:20:01.53\00:20:02.86
and just give you
this little piece of myself
00:20:02.90\00:20:06.03
and that's not really
what God's intention was.
00:20:06.07\00:20:08.94
God says, by the time
00:20:08.97\00:20:10.31
you give yourself
to someone physically,
00:20:10.34\00:20:12.51
you first probably
should have given them
00:20:12.54\00:20:14.61
yourself with the emotions,
00:20:14.64\00:20:16.75
with all the other
things that come along with it.
00:20:16.78\00:20:18.95
So some do have
hurt and so they say,
00:20:18.98\00:20:20.58
you know what,
maybe I've gotten hurt
00:20:20.62\00:20:22.62
because I was
friends with somebody,
00:20:22.65\00:20:24.59
open myself up, they hurt me,
00:20:24.62\00:20:26.12
so now I'm just going to
give you my physical stuff,
00:20:26.15\00:20:28.22
but it always goes and ties back
00:20:28.26\00:20:29.92
to the point where
I say, you know what,
00:20:29.96\00:20:31.29
I have to have
that value in Christ,
00:20:31.33\00:20:32.99
but don't think that
you're a player, player
00:20:33.03\00:20:35.20
because you can get this
one, and this one, and that one,
00:20:35.23\00:20:37.50
that's actually saying
that you're hurting individuals
00:20:37.53\00:20:40.80
that actually needs to be healed
00:20:40.84\00:20:42.44
because you're
engaging in that kind of thing.
00:20:42.47\00:20:44.47
Honestly man, to take
it to the furthest extent
00:20:44.51\00:20:46.54
that it can go, it
will, if you feel like
00:20:46.57\00:20:48.61
you're that type of person,
00:20:48.64\00:20:49.98
you've had
multiple sexual partners,
00:20:50.01\00:20:51.35
you can get with
whoever you want,
00:20:51.38\00:20:52.71
there's no
committal, no, no relationships,
00:20:52.75\00:20:54.68
it will damage
you in the long run.
00:20:54.72\00:20:56.52
It will leave you any
type of long term relationship,
00:20:56.55\00:20:59.75
you know, everyone said,
00:20:59.79\00:21:01.12
well, I want to
get married one day,
00:21:01.16\00:21:02.49
you know, maybe when
I'm done with college,
00:21:02.52\00:21:04.03
you know, grad school whenever.
00:21:04.06\00:21:05.43
I want to get
married, and have my family,
00:21:05.46\00:21:07.10
but it's funny
because the devil wants to
00:21:07.13\00:21:09.40
get you to have as much sex
as possible before marriage.
00:21:09.43\00:21:13.80
And as little sex as
possible after marriage.
00:21:13.84\00:21:16.47
And so when you
front load that thing
00:21:16.50\00:21:17.84
with friends of benefits,
00:21:17.87\00:21:19.21
sexual exploits, it only damages
00:21:19.24\00:21:21.68
what your marital life will be.
00:21:21.71\00:21:24.61
Well, I was going to say
the other side of it though
00:21:24.65\00:21:26.28
and I think we kind of
talked a little bit earlier but.
00:21:26.31\00:21:28.32
I mean, you know, we
talked about the emotional
00:21:28.35\00:21:29.72
and different things
but I mean for some folks
00:21:29.75\00:21:31.85
it is just you just want
to get your feel along...
00:21:31.89\00:21:33.59
You just want it, you
know... Very much so...
00:21:33.62\00:21:35.02
You just, I mean, you
just want to get your free go.
00:21:35.06\00:21:36.73
I mean this... Put
your hand up the blouse.
00:21:36.76\00:21:38.86
Yeah, yeah, I mean...
00:21:38.89\00:21:42.06
You know, but again
it's just the whole idea
00:21:42.10\00:21:45.03
though that I could do
that and not be affected
00:21:45.07\00:21:47.97
and not understand
what naturally happens
00:21:48.00\00:21:51.97
when you engage
in physical intimacy
00:21:52.01\00:21:54.84
with somebody else,
it's going to be a chore.
00:21:54.88\00:21:56.64
So if I see you, if I'm
doing friends with benefits
00:21:56.68\00:21:59.31
and then I see the person
00:21:59.35\00:22:00.68
I was doing
friends with benefits
00:22:00.72\00:22:02.05
doing friend with benefits
with like somebody else.
00:22:02.08\00:22:05.35
Naturally, it's going to effect.
00:22:05.39\00:22:07.59
Yeah. I'm going to tell.
00:22:07.62\00:22:08.96
We got to realize also
the Bible tells us that we...
00:22:08.99\00:22:13.19
That when you
commit a sexual sin,
00:22:13.23\00:22:15.23
you're actually
sinning against yourself,
00:22:15.26\00:22:17.27
like sinning
against your own body.
00:22:17.30\00:22:18.80
Yeah. Right, Corinthians.
00:22:18.83\00:22:22.50
A sexual intimacy is
not just a physical act.
00:22:22.54\00:22:25.57
The world tells us
it's just physical,
00:22:25.61\00:22:27.84
it's just sex,
but it's not just sex,
00:22:27.88\00:22:31.11
it's emotional, it's
mental, it's psychological,
00:22:31.15\00:22:34.35
it's spiritual but when we
just make it a physical act
00:22:34.38\00:22:38.32
and we don't consider
all the other elements,
00:22:38.35\00:22:40.02
then we think, well, I can
just kind of pass it around,
00:22:40.06\00:22:41.72
it's not gonna
effect my emotional person,
00:22:41.76\00:22:43.56
but no, no, no, that is a lie.
00:22:43.59\00:22:45.29
It affects every
other part of you.
00:22:45.33\00:22:47.40
And I think
friends with benefits,
00:22:47.43\00:22:49.56
especially, how
the media has made it
00:22:49.60\00:22:51.87
looks very adventurous
00:22:51.90\00:22:53.74
and when you're in it,
it is very adventurous.
00:22:53.77\00:22:56.40
You really
haven't put in the capital
00:22:56.44\00:22:59.14
to get to know
this person that well.
00:22:59.17\00:23:01.01
For the most part you
don't know them at all
00:23:01.04\00:23:04.08
and yet you get
to skip all of that
00:23:04.11\00:23:06.41
and just start getting them,
00:23:06.45\00:23:07.78
getting to know
them in the physical.
00:23:07.82\00:23:09.15
I think it's kind of exciting,
you don't know how they kiss
00:23:09.18\00:23:11.75
or how they
touch or how they feel,
00:23:11.79\00:23:14.66
they just queue, and you
get to go straight there,
00:23:14.69\00:23:17.46
there's some adventure to that.
00:23:17.49\00:23:18.83
I mean, it's James
Bond, it's Indiana Jones,
00:23:18.86\00:23:22.03
you know what I'm saying?
00:23:22.06\00:23:23.40
The list goes on.
00:23:23.43\00:23:24.77
But the thing is Bible says,
00:23:24.80\00:23:26.13
adventures they
do come to an end
00:23:26.17\00:23:27.50
and then the adventure
00:23:27.54\00:23:28.87
actually to a certain
extent starts up again,
00:23:28.90\00:23:30.24
we have to deal with it,
00:23:30.27\00:23:31.61
and I know
we've all been sharing
00:23:31.64\00:23:33.17
that was
something that I experienced
00:23:33.21\00:23:35.88
before I went to start
to go to school to become,
00:23:35.91\00:23:38.45
you know, pastor and all
those different kinds of things
00:23:38.48\00:23:40.32
and you know, you
still even have those,
00:23:40.35\00:23:41.85
you know, different struggles,
00:23:41.88\00:23:43.22
but here's the thing where
it comes back and bites you.
00:23:43.25\00:23:45.75
I'm in my pulpit
getting ready to preach
00:23:45.79\00:23:48.79
one particular Sabbath
and one of the individual,
00:23:48.82\00:23:53.13
it's years ago shows
up you know, at church,
00:23:53.16\00:23:57.23
now we're done, I'm
done, married and everything
00:23:57.27\00:23:59.50
but the look that
they gave was like...
00:23:59.53\00:24:01.64
I know you. Yeah. I know you.
00:24:01.67\00:24:03.74
Wow! You know what I'm saying?
00:24:03.77\00:24:05.11
And that's uncomfortable.
00:24:05.14\00:24:06.91
And sat right
behind where my spouse sat,
00:24:06.94\00:24:10.38
and it's just all years ago.
00:24:10.41\00:24:12.68
But the adventure continue
00:24:12.71\00:24:14.05
because now my minds
playing tricks on me.
00:24:14.08\00:24:16.89
You know, you're
just like, have mercy.
00:24:16.92\00:24:18.92
And so the more you do that,
00:24:18.95\00:24:20.52
you just have to think,
man, if I do this with you now
00:24:20.56\00:24:23.36
what's going happen
when I run into you later.
00:24:23.39\00:24:24.73
But, Kelley, you just
said some serious sick
00:24:24.76\00:24:27.56
and that was she
could say, I know you
00:24:27.60\00:24:30.63
and we're not talking about
just the no, no, I know you,
00:24:30.67\00:24:35.47
like biblical know you,
you know what I'm saying?
00:24:35.50\00:24:39.27
I've heard the
laity in Cleveland
00:24:39.31\00:24:40.64
say this about his wife
00:24:40.68\00:24:42.04
that his wife is the only person
00:24:42.08\00:24:43.78
he had ever been with
00:24:43.81\00:24:45.15
and he said he wanted his wife
to be able to walk in any crowd
00:24:45.18\00:24:49.75
across anywhere in the world
00:24:49.78\00:24:52.12
and say no one
else knows my husband
00:24:52.15\00:24:54.36
like I know my husband.
00:24:54.39\00:24:55.72
You know, when he
said that I was like,
00:24:55.76\00:24:57.33
yo, that's what it's
about like no one else knows her
00:24:57.36\00:25:01.26
and no one else knows.
00:25:01.30\00:25:02.63
And I think
that's what God desires
00:25:02.66\00:25:04.00
like there's this
level of high intimacy
00:25:04.03\00:25:06.33
that two people,
00:25:06.37\00:25:07.70
only two people
have with one another
00:25:07.74\00:25:09.77
and no one else knows you.
00:25:09.80\00:25:11.14
Because that's not
what he desires from us,
00:25:11.17\00:25:12.61
I think he says,
I want to know you
00:25:12.64\00:25:14.31
and I want you to know me
unlike, unlike anybody else.
00:25:14.34\00:25:17.38
And that's why it
says in John 17:3,
00:25:17.41\00:25:18.95
"And this is life eternal:
00:25:18.98\00:25:20.48
that they may know
you, the one true God,
00:25:20.52\00:25:23.45
and Jesus Christ
whom you have sent."
00:25:23.49\00:25:24.82
I got to tell a
story before we close,
00:25:24.85\00:25:26.19
I read in a book
00:25:26.22\00:25:27.56
and it basically
described a dream
00:25:27.59\00:25:29.76
that a young lady was having.
00:25:29.79\00:25:31.69
She was about to get married
00:25:31.73\00:25:33.29
and she was
walking down the aisle,
00:25:33.33\00:25:35.56
her father was giving her away,
00:25:35.60\00:25:36.93
her husband was up at the top
00:25:36.97\00:25:38.30
and as she stood up there,
00:25:38.33\00:25:39.67
her father gave
her away to the groom.
00:25:39.70\00:25:42.10
And they started
doing their vows,
00:25:42.14\00:25:43.74
all of a sudden
another woman stood up
00:25:43.77\00:25:46.01
and came by her
00:25:46.04\00:25:47.61
and then the
other woman stood up
00:25:47.64\00:25:48.98
and came by her
00:25:49.01\00:25:50.35
and another woman
stood up and came by her
00:25:50.38\00:25:51.71
to the point where she's
looking at her husband to be
00:25:51.75\00:25:53.58
and there's like a train of like
00:25:53.62\00:25:54.98
seven or eight other
women standing behind her
00:25:55.02\00:25:57.59
and the woman is like,
you know, what's going on?
00:25:57.62\00:26:00.26
Who are these other women?
00:26:00.29\00:26:01.62
And he says, you
know, honey, I'm sorry
00:26:01.66\00:26:03.49
but throughout my life,
I've also committed to them
00:26:03.53\00:26:06.29
and I've also given a
part of myself to them,
00:26:06.33\00:26:08.86
you know, and she woke up,
00:26:08.90\00:26:10.27
you know, it was a
dream, it was a nightmare,
00:26:10.30\00:26:11.63
she woke up and of
course, she's in a cold sweat
00:26:11.67\00:26:13.50
and when I read
the story I said,
00:26:13.54\00:26:14.87
man, like the devil is
really trying to set us up
00:26:14.90\00:26:17.91
and we don't even know.
00:26:17.94\00:26:19.27
We think it's just funny games,
00:26:19.31\00:26:20.84
we think it's a
roller coaster like you said.
00:26:20.88\00:26:22.91
But no, he's
really trying to set us up
00:26:22.94\00:26:24.48
so that God's intend
for what marriage is to be,
00:26:24.51\00:26:28.08
we will never experience
00:26:28.12\00:26:29.88
because we've
given ourselves away.
00:26:29.92\00:26:31.35
My goodness and that's what
00:26:31.39\00:26:32.72
the enemy
doesn't want us to know.
00:26:32.75\00:26:34.32
You know, as we have
spoken about television programs
00:26:34.36\00:26:38.46
that show that
friends with benefits
00:26:38.49\00:26:40.93
and these escapades are okay,
00:26:40.96\00:26:43.20
but they don't show
00:26:43.23\00:26:44.90
how a person now
looks at their spouse
00:26:44.93\00:26:47.87
and the way that
they might do this
00:26:47.90\00:26:49.60
or the way they might touch her.
00:26:49.64\00:26:51.94
Or is the way there someone
else taught him how to touch.
00:26:51.97\00:26:55.28
Or something that he
learned and experienced
00:26:55.31\00:26:57.55
and cultivated with someone else
00:26:57.58\00:26:58.91
and now they're
bringing it to you.
00:26:58.95\00:27:00.55
That's the part that
they don't tell, you know,
00:27:00.58\00:27:02.78
and that's where
the heartache comes
00:27:02.82\00:27:04.99
because now the enemy is
able to come into marriages
00:27:05.02\00:27:08.36
and break them apart
00:27:08.39\00:27:09.72
because of the way that
people have committed themselves
00:27:09.76\00:27:13.09
to other
individuals before marriage.
00:27:13.13\00:27:14.76
That's one of the
thing he doesn't talk about.
00:27:14.80\00:27:16.73
But you know, I
just, I do want to just,
00:27:16.77\00:27:18.23
you know, in the last
few seconds give some hope,
00:27:18.27\00:27:20.30
you know, the Bible says
00:27:20.34\00:27:22.10
you know, Romans 12,
00:27:22.14\00:27:23.47
you know, "Be not conform
to course of this world."
00:27:23.51\00:27:24.84
But here's the
emphasis, being transformed.
00:27:24.87\00:27:26.51
But there's some folk
who you can take that back,
00:27:26.54\00:27:28.61
but what God can do I
think is refresh your mind
00:27:28.64\00:27:32.15
you know, fill that
mind with the new experiences
00:27:32.18\00:27:35.42
and know that, yeah,
you might have jacked up
00:27:35.45\00:27:37.09
in those areas before
00:27:37.12\00:27:38.45
but there is a
fresh start in Jesus,
00:27:38.49\00:27:39.82
there really is a legitimate...
00:27:39.85\00:27:41.22
Who so over is in
Christ, is a new creature.
00:27:41.26\00:27:42.99
He's a new creature.
00:27:43.02\00:27:44.63
Listen, we pray
that you are encouraged
00:27:44.66\00:27:46.03
by this
broadcast by this episode.
00:27:46.06\00:27:48.06
It was a good one, I felt,
00:27:48.10\00:27:49.63
you know, and we're going
to continue the conversation.
00:27:49.66\00:27:51.70
You don't want
to miss any program,
00:27:51.73\00:27:53.74
you don't want to
miss any episodes.
00:27:53.77\00:27:55.10
So, please stay tuned
00:27:55.14\00:27:56.47
to next week,
same time, same place.
00:27:56.50\00:27:58.17
Listen, we're
going to be on Facebook.
00:27:58.21\00:27:59.81
Go to Facebook
type in Pure Choices,
00:27:59.84\00:28:01.54
if you have any
questions or comments, feedback,
00:28:01.58\00:28:03.58
we will love to
dialogue with you there.
00:28:03.61\00:28:05.28
We look forward to
seeing you next week.
00:28:05.31\00:28:06.82
Be blessed.
00:28:06.85\00:28:08.18
And we'll see you again soon.
00:28:08.22\00:28:09.55