The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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I just want to say, I
am so glad to be here.
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I get a little bit
nervous when I present,
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just because I feel
like- I wish I had a story
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that was-like I
wish I could come out
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and say, "You know what?
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I trained for the Olympics.
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It was really tough, you know?
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But I won", you know.
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Do you know what I mean?
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And I wish it was clean and nice
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and all that kind
of stuff, but it isn't.
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And so for people-some
of the stuff I think,
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that is gonna be a
little difficult to hear,
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but I just want you to
know, that I know that.
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But I also want you
to know that, you know,
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I am so grateful to be
on this side of the journey.
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I am so grateful
to be done with that.
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But I'm just gonna
start with-in 1979,
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I've been in recovery
for a long time, but in 1979,
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I came into a church and
I-it was just ridiculous.
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I came in like
woo-hoo! I had just met God.
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How cool is that.
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You know, and I'm a heroin
addict, and I'm strung out.
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And I-I don't even know really,
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how to complete a sentence
without cussing, you know,
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and-but I come into a church
that is very conservative.
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And I walk in and I
want to sit on your lap
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because I'm so happy, you know?
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People are like going, you
know, can you just, you know,
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just you kind of relax-
and so I was-immediately
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kind of realized that,
that maybe I was a little bit
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too-let me just
say what I looked like.
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I had a dress that
was shorter than my hands,
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like you know what I mean?
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It was just this
cute little short thing.
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I had a little
outfit top that was tight.
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I had jewelry on everywhere
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because I wanted
to impress everybody.
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So I had jewelry on everywhere,
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because I wanted you
to think I was somebody.
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I came into a church that didn't
have any jewelry on at all.
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I wanted to loan my stuff out.
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You know, I thought
"are you just poor?"
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You know what I mean?
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I just like- and I
couldn't figure it out.
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And you know, in potluck
I'm bringing a pork-roast,
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and I'm sitting in
the middle of the table
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and I'm not
realizing that, you know,
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I just didn't know anything.
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And everything I
did was kind of a mess.
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And at one point
I remember thinking
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that I just can't do this.
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I tried to be normal, isn't it?
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Raise your hand if you
ever tried to be normal
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and you're not. Amen.
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I'm glad you're here.
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You know, I just
tried to be normal.
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And I came in, and in
the time that I came in-
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and if you had this
dress, just raise your hand.
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The dress was,
everybody had it in that church
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I came into, was
kind of a paisley dress
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with lace collars about this.
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You know, some of
you had it, didn't you?
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And so I thought,
if I'm gonna be normal,
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I'm gonna get
one of those dresses.
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And so I got one in every color.
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You know what I mean?
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And I came in and I sat
down and I tried to be normal
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and the whole time I'm thinking,
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"Who would wear this?" you know.
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And so you know, one
thing led to another and I leave
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for a while and I
mean I was so-by the time
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I left and I'm just a
mess and I'm offended now.
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And I leave.
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Anybody ever leave a church
because they got offended?
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Oh, only a couple of-okay, good.
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There's a couple of people.
So I got offended, I left.
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And then I
remember, at one point and God
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said, I want you to go back.
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And I'm like "shut
up, I am not going back".
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I am not going back.
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I don't know how to act.
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I don't know how to sit.
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I don't know how to do potluck.
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I don't know how to be normal.
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I don't know-
I'm not going back.
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And He's like "you're
going back. " I'm not.
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You know, and I just
remember having this argument.
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I don't feel-you
know I just, you know,
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and finally I listened.
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And He said, "I
want you to go back. "
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And so I said, "Okay. "
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And I want to use
somebody as an example.
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Let me see.
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Can I use you as an example?
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Yeah, come on up, come on up.
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It's going to be cool.
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So are you a pastor?
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Pretend you are.
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So I have this
huge argument with God.
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Oh, yeah, he's not
gonna say anything.
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I don't let
pastors talk much. Okay?
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So I end up listening to God.
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And He's like "I
want you to go back. "
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And it's almost
like He's telling me
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"I want you to
stop being a baby".
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And you know, I'd
left and I relapsed
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and I got into
all kinds of trouble
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and so I want you to
get back into a safer place.
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And so I went back
and it's almost like
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I wanted to go to
the pastor and say,
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"I'm gonna tell you
everything I ever did.
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I am not gonna pretend anymore.
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This is who I am. "
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And the pastor is
like, okay, you know.
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No, no, not okay.
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I'm gonna tell you
everything that my mom ever did.
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I'm gonna tell you everything
that my grandmother ever did.
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And I remember
just being impasse.
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And he was just
so yeah, yeah, okay.
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And I told him for the next
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two and half
hours, just everything.
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And at the end of my talk,
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I thought you know
what-even if you gonna
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let me in your
church, you gotta let me in.
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And I can't hide anymore.
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I can't do this anymore.
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And I'm at the end of my talk,
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he just with tears in his
eyes said "I would be honored
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to have you in the building".
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And I thought, man.
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I just even thank
you for letting me
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grab your shirt, now that's it.
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It's okay. So I
remember coming back
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in and finally deciding
for the first time in my life,
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that I'm not gonna hide.
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And I don't know about you,
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but that's the
first step of recovery.
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I can't hide who I am anymore.
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I can't pretend that
I'm somebody that I'm not.
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I can't- I just
can't do that anymore.
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So this story I'm gonna tell you
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is just that I'm done hiding.
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And I'm done hiding
for a lot of reasons,
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because it was killing me,
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because I couldn't
do recovery that way.
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And I don't think that it's
what even God asked me to do.
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I was born into a-just a
family that's just a mess.
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Raise your hand if you
know what I'm talking about.
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You know what-and I love
when people raise their hand
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because you guys look so normal.
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I'm like "oh, thank you
that you are here", you know.
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So I was born in a
family that was really a mess.
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And I always like to,
kind of try to figure out
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a way to tell the
story, but I-you know,
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my mom's boyfriend and I love
him, we always call him dad,
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but my mom's boyfriend,
his favorite thing is like,
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he would just-if you
walked into my parents house,
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he would be like "do
you want some of this?"
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And you're thinking
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"did he just
offered me some pot?"
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you know, it's like, you know.
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So he loves to smoke
weed and drink and you know,
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he's 6'1" at less
than a hundred pounds,
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I don't know what that is
for you guys, like you know,
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I mean skinny, skinny.
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The only thing big on him
is a little bit of his liver.
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And most people don't
think we can get that skinny,
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but some of us know
we can in our addiction.
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So anyhow so, anyhow
he smokes weed, he drinks.
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His favorite thing to
do is get high in barbeque
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because he likes to eat.
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Don't raise your
hand if you're like that.
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So-but anyhow, so
one day he's going out
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and he's going to a barbeque
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and he's gonna
just make something.
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He's got emphysema so
bad that he can't walk
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from here to down to
there, because he just-
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he has to catch his breath.
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One time I said,
"he should get oxygen. "
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You know, "you should get oxygen
tank cause it would help you. "
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And he said, "Oh,
that wouldn't be cool. "
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And I'm-neither does
not being able to breathe.
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You know what I mean?
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It's like, you know, but
anyhow, so it's like, you know,
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that was just-
he's just like that.
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So he lights the grill,
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he's outside, he
lights the grill.
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And it takes the oxygen
away from his face just briefly,
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but enough that
it knocks him out.
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He can't catch his breath.
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He passes out, falls on
the ground, hits his head,
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and knocks himself out.
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So when he comes to, he says,
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"Uh, maybe I'm a little
bit too high to barbeque. "
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Because he's real
bright in that way.
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So he ends up just going to bed.
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That's a big deal in our family,
because for some addicts,
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you have to use every few hours
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else you start
to have withdraws.
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You start to have tremors.
00:09:06.36\00:09:07.73
You start to be, I mean-and my
dad was that kind of alcoholic.
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Every two
hours, he had to drink.
00:09:11.70\00:09:13.07
If you had to if-
hen he was working,
00:09:13.10\00:09:14.69
he had to set his alarm
before he got up for work,
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like a few hours
before he got up for work
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so he could drink.
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And then get up
and then go to work
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as he couldn't brush his teeth.
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And, you know, and I'm serious.
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Don't raise
your hand if you know
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what I'm talking about and that
was those kind of addictions,
00:09:27.24\00:09:29.33
but he's seriously in trouble.
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So anyhow so he's in bed.
00:09:32.38\00:09:36.31
And my mom, they don't-you guys
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don't care, you want to
know why they - they don't
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sleep together anymore.
00:09:42.16\00:09:43.89
Do you want to know why?
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Let's pass that.
00:09:45.67\00:09:47.04
Okay, so anyhow, so
my mom has her own room.
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My dad has his own room.
00:09:50.32\00:09:52.70
And my mom finally realizes
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that he hasn't been up at
all throughout the night, right?
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He hasn't been
up, that's not good.
00:09:58.38\00:10:00.02
He's always up because
you always see him drinking
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and all that kind of stuff.
00:10:02.28\00:10:03.65
And so she knows
that he hasn't been up.
00:10:03.68\00:10:05.20
So she's like
okay, she goes in there.
00:10:05.24\00:10:07.17
She goes in
there and shakes him.
00:10:07.20\00:10:09.15
And when she
shakes him, it's like,
00:10:09.18\00:10:11.52
he's like- he's like a rag doll.
00:10:11.55\00:10:13.82
And she's like, starts
to scream at him, you know.
00:10:13.86\00:10:16.97
"Get up", you know.
00:10:17.00\00:10:18.63
"I knew that one
day, I would come in
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here and you would be dead
and I would have to be dealing
00:10:20.32\00:10:22.40
with this and get up. "
00:10:22.43\00:10:23.80
This is not and she
just-she just is angry
00:10:23.83\00:10:26.43
and she is panicky, and
she's trying to get him up
00:10:26.46\00:10:28.91
and he can't move at all.
00:10:28.94\00:10:30.46
She's like
"he's dead," you know?
00:10:30.49\00:10:32.29
And so my sister comes in
and tell me what drug this is.
00:10:32.32\00:10:37.97
"What's wrong?
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You know what, what are
you doing-what's, get up".
00:10:41.89\00:10:45.18
And so she's a
total meth addict,
00:10:45.21\00:10:46.99
has been doing meth for years,
can't keep her body still,
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is always like
shaking and itching.
00:10:50.45\00:10:52.63
Any meth addicts in the group,
00:10:52.66\00:10:54.03
anybody know any
meth addicts? Okay.
00:10:54.06\00:10:56.65
So I mean, she is just out
to lunch, so she's screaming.
00:10:56.68\00:10:59.77
And they're both
screaming at him.
00:10:59.81\00:11:01.18
And they're both panicky,
00:11:01.21\00:11:02.58
really, and trying to
figure out what's going on.
00:11:02.61\00:11:04.78
My dad tells his point of view,
00:11:04.81\00:11:07.17
as he's lying there,
screaming in his head,
00:11:07.21\00:11:11.26
"I'm not dead! I'm
not dead, I am not dead!"
00:11:11.29\00:11:14.13
And he said he's
trying to do everything
00:11:14.16\00:11:16.97
that he saw in every movie.
00:11:17.00\00:11:18.88
He's trying to
blink his eyes, you know.
00:11:18.92\00:11:20.89
He's trying to move his toes.
00:11:20.93\00:11:23.34
He's trying to
wiggle something, you know,
00:11:23.38\00:11:25.00
and they're yelling.
00:11:25.04\00:11:26.41
He knows that they think
he's dead, and he's not dead,
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I am not dead, you know.
00:11:28.81\00:11:30.35
So then they call an ambulance
like four hours later, you know?
00:11:30.39\00:11:34.27
And someone like
told me that and I said,
00:11:34.30\00:11:37.15
"Why did you wait so long?"
00:11:37.18\00:11:38.65
"Well, you know
how your dad is. "
00:11:38.83\00:11:40.73
No, not when
he's dead, you know?
00:11:40.76\00:11:42.59
And so-so now they
call the ambulance,
00:11:42.63\00:11:44.56
they get the ambulance over.
00:11:44.59\00:11:46.37
So some guys in
lab coats come in.
00:11:46.41\00:11:50.04
I don't know if anybody
knows how delirious alcoholics
00:11:50.08\00:11:52.60
can get in the recovery.
00:11:52.63\00:11:54.00
I mean in the-withdrawal stuff?
00:11:54.03\00:11:55.96
They can hallucinate,
they can get real delirious.
00:11:55.99\00:11:58.65
He thinks they're
aliens, going to abduct him.
00:11:58.69\00:12:01.31
And he can't
wiggle his toes, right?
00:12:01.35\00:12:03.63
So he's trying to do anything.
00:12:03.66\00:12:05.26
And he's feeling like okay,
now he's being experimented on.
00:12:05.29\00:12:08.63
Who knows what they do when
they take you in those ships,
00:12:08.66\00:12:11.87
you know what I mean?
00:12:11.90\00:12:13.27
You've all heard
stories, you know.
00:12:13.30\00:12:14.73
So he goes to all
of these crazy places.
00:12:14.77\00:12:17.28
They get him to the hospital.
00:12:17.32\00:12:18.94
Please answer this honestly,
00:12:18.98\00:12:20.51
when they get
him to the hospital,
00:12:20.54\00:12:21.91
does anybody tell
the doctors or nurses
00:12:21.94\00:12:23.46
that he is a severe alcoholic?
00:12:23.49\00:12:26.32
No, why not?
00:12:26.35\00:12:28.68
You don't tell
family business, right?
00:12:28.71\00:12:31.39
I mean for most
dysfunctional families,
00:12:31.43\00:12:34.07
we don't tell anybody anything.
00:12:34.11\00:12:35.48
So he gets to the hospital.
00:12:35.51\00:12:36.88
Nobody says he is
a severe alcoholic.
00:12:36.91\00:12:38.44
This is a big deal.
You need to treat him.
00:12:38.47\00:12:40.18
You need to do all
that kind of stuff.
00:12:40.21\00:12:41.92
So it took the nursing stuff
a while to start treating him.
00:12:41.96\00:12:46.30
But anyhow, in the mean time,
00:12:46.34\00:12:48.85
I get a call, "I
think he's gonna die.
00:12:48.89\00:12:52.85
If you want to see
him before he dies,
00:12:52.89\00:12:54.51
you need to come down. "
00:12:54.55\00:12:56.81
And I love my family.
00:12:56.85\00:12:59.08
They are a mess.
00:12:59.12\00:13:00.74
I have a sister
that is a stripper
00:13:00.77\00:13:02.69
and has a porn side.
00:13:02.73\00:13:04.29
I have another
sister that's a meth addict.
00:13:04.32\00:13:06.53
You know, brothers, uncles,
grandparents are alcoholics.
00:13:06.56\00:13:09.75
I mean, we have addictions that
just run through our family.
00:13:09.78\00:13:12.93
I had an uncle one
time that was really
00:13:12.97\00:13:14.57
so yellow that I asked him.
00:13:14.61\00:13:15.98
I am like eight
years old, and I asked him,
00:13:16.01\00:13:17.42
"Why are you so yellow?"
00:13:17.45\00:13:19.34
And he said that
his mama was a duck.
00:13:19.38\00:13:22.56
I'm like,
as-even as a kid I knew
00:13:22.60\00:13:25.72
that there was something
really wrong with that.
00:13:25.75\00:13:27.97
That's like-so
it's like, you know,
00:13:28.01\00:13:29.98
we just have all of this stuff.
00:13:30.01\00:13:31.92
So now I'm in recovery and
doing all this kind of stuff.
00:13:31.95\00:13:35.53
And I'm gonna fly in to see
my mom's boyfriend and my dad.
00:13:35.56\00:13:39.11
I call him dad.
00:13:39.14\00:13:40.85
And I'm gonna fly
in, and I get there.
00:13:40.88\00:13:44.20
And I come in, and
I run in the house,
00:13:44.23\00:13:47.48
I hire a car at the
airport, I run in the house-
00:13:47.51\00:13:50.35
and I think I'm just
gonna go to my mom's house
00:13:50.38\00:13:53.18
and have her to
take me to the hospital.
00:13:53.22\00:13:54.91
But I run in and my
dad is sitting in a chair,
00:13:54.95\00:13:58.88
"Oh, what are you doing there?"
00:13:58.92\00:14:01.13
And I'm thinking,
"What am I doing here?"
00:14:01.17\00:14:03.50
What are you doing here?
00:14:03.53\00:14:04.90
I mean, it did
take me few days to get,
00:14:04.93\00:14:06.53
you know, playing,
bearing all that kind of stuff,
00:14:06.57\00:14:08.46
but what are you doing here?
00:14:08.50\00:14:09.87
And he said man, and he
tells me all about the hospital.
00:14:09.90\00:14:12.86
That he had his
arteries in his neck
00:14:12.90\00:14:14.61
were blocked off
almost totally, you know.
00:14:14.64\00:14:17.66
And does anybody know
what those arteries do?
00:14:17.69\00:14:20.67
You know, they beat your brain.
00:14:20.71\00:14:22.08
You know, it's-I could
have told him as a teenager
00:14:22.11\00:14:24.78
that those were totally
blocked off, but you know,
00:14:24.81\00:14:27.47
so he-they had to
open those arteries.
00:14:27.51\00:14:29.88
This kind of-they
do this kind of thing
00:14:29.92\00:14:32.26
to open those arteries off
00:14:32.29\00:14:33.66
because they're all
occluded, so he did that.
00:14:33.69\00:14:35.53
They worked on his alcoholism.
00:14:35.56\00:14:37.39
Finally, somebody worked
on that, got him cleared.
00:14:37.42\00:14:40.73
What he was in the-
when he knocked himself out,
00:14:40.77\00:14:44.04
he had a subdural
hematoma, slow-bleeding
00:14:44.07\00:14:47.18
in his brain caused a
paralysis, worked on that.
00:14:47.22\00:14:49.33
And so now he's sitting there.
00:14:49.37\00:14:51.72
And he's sitting
there in this recliner
00:14:51.76\00:14:53.72
that he's had forever, you know.
00:14:53.75\00:14:56.22
He's been sitting
there, I think for 45 years,
00:14:56.25\00:14:59.47
never been
cleaned, shape of his body,
00:14:59.50\00:15:01.51
you know what I mean?
00:15:01.55\00:15:02.92
It has arms-the arms are
pretty fluffy on both sides
00:15:02.95\00:15:05.66
and they open up and there's
little compartments there?
00:15:05.69\00:15:08.55
Has anybody seen
recliners like that?
00:15:08.58\00:15:10.79
What do you think
is in his compartments?
00:15:10.83\00:15:12.82
Every kind of
paraphernalia you need.
00:15:12.86\00:15:15.03
He's got roach
clips, matches, lighters,
00:15:15.07\00:15:17.21
you know, papers of that time.
00:15:17.25\00:15:18.62
I don't know if you still
use papers because I am clean.
00:15:18.65\00:15:21.13
But so anyhow, so he's
got all that kind of stuff.
00:15:21.16\00:15:23.69
And the other side of the
chair of those compartments,
00:15:23.72\00:15:26.18
he's got catnip for our cats,
00:15:26.22\00:15:28.14
because our
cats are even stoned.
00:15:28.17\00:15:30.06
Do you know what I mean?
00:15:30.10\00:15:31.47
And I'm serious,
so he's sitting there.
00:15:31.50\00:15:32.87
He's happy as can be.
00:15:32.90\00:15:34.27
And I'm trying to-you know,
he's telling me all the story
00:15:34.30\00:15:37.00
about what he went through.
00:15:37.03\00:15:38.40
And he's drinking some
beer, smoking some weed
00:15:38.43\00:15:40.21
and he's just sitting
there and the same thing,
00:15:40.25\00:15:42.34
and I'm thinking,
"Are you kidding me?
00:15:42.38\00:15:44.27
If that happened to me, I
would be slamming carrot juice.
00:15:44.31\00:15:46.85
I would be doing something.
00:15:46.89\00:15:48.26
And he looked at me like,
00:15:48.29\00:15:49.66
"Hon, you can't worry
about every little thing. "
00:15:49.69\00:15:52.74
And I'm like really?
00:15:52.77\00:15:54.14
And you know, to
me that is my family.
00:15:54.18\00:15:56.95
They are delightful,
but they are strung out.
00:15:56.98\00:16:02.65
Well, delightful in some ways
that addicts can be delightful.
00:16:02.68\00:16:05.98
So anyhow I'm gonna tell
you a little bit. He ends up.
00:16:06.02\00:16:08.76
He starts to smile and I'll tell
you just the rest of the story.
00:16:08.80\00:16:11.99
He starts to smile and he's
really happy about something.
00:16:12.02\00:16:15.06
And I said, "You know what?
00:16:15.09\00:16:16.75
What are you so happy about?"
00:16:16.79\00:16:18.25
He is like, "Oh, nothing. "
00:16:18.29\00:16:19.66
Then I'm like "come on. "
00:16:19.69\00:16:21.06
He's just smiling, huge smile.
00:16:21.09\00:16:22.46
And then I said, "What is it?
00:16:22.49\00:16:23.86
Come on. " And he
is like "nothing. "
00:16:23.89\00:16:25.26
And I was like "what?"
00:16:25.29\00:16:26.74
Then he picks
up a bottle of like
00:16:26.78\00:16:28.43
Percodan or Oxycodone.
00:16:28.46\00:16:29.99
"Look what they gave
me at the hospital. "
00:16:30.02\00:16:33.10
And he's like so happy.
00:16:33.14\00:16:34.51
Then I'm thinking,
you know, just crazy.
00:16:34.54\00:16:37.33
But anyhow, so my- I
was born in that family.
00:16:37.36\00:16:40.64
My mom was probably-
she was in her early teens
00:16:40.67\00:16:43.91
when she had me. I
was her second child.
00:16:43.95\00:16:46.55
She had my sister.
00:16:46.58\00:16:47.95
My dad was like 15, got
her pregnant in high school.
00:16:47.98\00:16:52.16
He was already
drinking in high school.
00:16:52.19\00:16:53.56
Raise your hand if you
started drinking in high school.
00:16:53.59\00:16:56.83
So a lot of people,
you know, you are drinking
00:16:56.87\00:16:58.58
at a really early age,
all that kind of stuff.
00:16:58.61\00:17:00.25
So he started drinking in high
school, got my mom pregnant.
00:17:00.29\00:17:04.13
They decided to get
together as a couple.
00:17:04.17\00:17:06.10
He quit his-he quit high
school, dropped out, got a job,
00:17:06.14\00:17:09.16
couldn't keep the job
because he was drinking.
00:17:09.19\00:17:10.97
And he had authority issues
and all that kind of stuff.
00:17:11.00\00:17:13.51
My mom has her first
baby and she really believed,
00:17:13.54\00:17:16.15
I think, that once
she had her first baby,
00:17:16.18\00:17:18.36
they would be-
it would be amazing.
00:17:18.40\00:17:20.72
You know, they
would just be in love
00:17:20.76\00:17:23.01
and everything would work
out and all that kind of stuff.
00:17:23.05\00:17:24.91
My dad started to
beat her pretty early.
00:17:24.95\00:17:27.20
He would literally
grab the back of her head
00:17:27.24\00:17:29.60
and slam her face
into things, like you know,
00:17:29.63\00:17:31.96
"don't mouth off
to me or touch me. "
00:17:31.99\00:17:33.53
Don't raise your hand
if you are like that guy.
00:17:33.56\00:17:35.78
But if you are that
guy, recovery is amazing.
00:17:35.82\00:17:37.76
But anyhow, he would
do that kind of stuff.
00:17:37.80\00:17:40.15
If she said anything,
and he felt disrespected,
00:17:40.18\00:17:42.50
she would get, you know,
00:17:42.54\00:17:45.44
he liked to slam
her face into things.
00:17:45.48\00:17:47.50
I'm not sure why
that was his thing.
00:17:47.53\00:17:49.48
But anyhow, when my
sister was two months old,
00:17:49.51\00:17:52.62
my mom found out that
she was pregnant again.
00:17:52.66\00:17:55.73
And she just
couldn't do it again.
00:17:55.76\00:17:57.13
"I'm not doing this again. "
00:17:57.16\00:17:58.55
And so she tried to self-abort.
00:17:58.58\00:17:59.95
She tried to take
pills, she tried to overdose.
00:17:59.98\00:18:02.11
She tried to get in hot water.
00:18:02.15\00:18:04.29
Somebody told her, "if you
can get into really hot water,
00:18:04.33\00:18:06.31
you can miscarriage, try that. "
00:18:06.34\00:18:07.99
Somebody even told her that,
that if you could break the sack
00:18:08.03\00:18:10.53
that the baby's in, if
you could puncture that,
00:18:10.57\00:18:12.23
then you can miscarriage.
00:18:12.27\00:18:13.64
She tried that- ust
kind of cut herself up.
00:18:13.67\00:18:15.75
And so my mom tried a
number of things to miscarriage.
00:18:15.78\00:18:19.66
When she went to the hospital
00:18:19.70\00:18:21.07
to have me, she
was angry and depressed
00:18:21.10\00:18:23.68
and it was- she was just done.
00:18:23.72\00:18:26.30
And I don't think she knew
00:18:26.34\00:18:28.85
what she was gonna do-
she ended up having me.
00:18:28.89\00:18:30.89
And they were even
trying to get her to sign
00:18:30.93\00:18:32.90
the birth
certificate, and she was like
00:18:32.93\00:18:35.39
"I can't," you know.
00:18:35.42\00:18:37.01
And so when she took me home,
she just went into depression.
00:18:37.04\00:18:40.96
She gave the kid over to my dad,
00:18:41.00\00:18:43.48
for me, and he
started interfering with us,
00:18:43.52\00:18:48.45
or molesting with us,
molesting us very early.
00:18:48.48\00:18:53.38
He was caught the first time
00:18:53.42\00:18:54.79
with me when I
was three months old.
00:18:54.82\00:18:56.54
I don't know what it feels
like to be in a normal family.
00:18:56.57\00:18:59.73
Do you know what I mean?
00:18:59.76\00:19:01.13
I don't know what
any of that feels like.
00:19:01.16\00:19:02.54
Lots of addictions,
lots of crazy stuff.
00:19:02.58\00:19:04.58
My mom got more
and more depressed.
00:19:04.62\00:19:06.03
She had one child after
another she had five kids
00:19:06.06\00:19:08.65
before she was in her early 20s.
00:19:08.69\00:19:10.62
So I mean, it was-she was just
lost in that, got more and more
00:19:10.65\00:19:15.48
into kind of withdrawing,
weeding, taking drugs,
00:19:15.51\00:19:21.91
either prescription or drugs
00:19:21.95\00:19:24.75
to just kind of
disappear with that.
00:19:24.79\00:19:26.21
My dad got more and
more crazy into his drinking
00:19:26.24\00:19:28.92
and eventually they just
they ended up kicking him out.
00:19:28.96\00:19:33.97
And at that point, my
mom moved a bartender in.
00:19:34.00\00:19:38.61
How cool is that.
00:19:38.65\00:19:40.54
He was so fun.
00:19:40.58\00:19:42.41
I'm just-I don't
know if you ever lived
00:19:42.44\00:19:44.34
with a bartender,
but they come home,
00:19:44.37\00:19:46.23
they're still ready to party.
00:19:46.26\00:19:47.68
You know, they get
home at two in the morning.
00:19:47.71\00:19:49.89
They're wakening you
up and you know, come on.,
00:19:49.92\00:19:52.06
and he was so fun.
00:19:52.10\00:19:54.17
He brought a piano
in. He was a jazz singer.
00:19:54.20\00:19:56.73
And you know, I
even love, I-this,
00:19:56.77\00:19:58.59
you know, he
would- I just love him.
00:19:58.63\00:20:00.42
Just, he was just fun.
00:20:00.45\00:20:01.82
And he would do things like-
probably the fondest memory
00:20:01.85\00:20:08.13
that I have is, he
taught us to stick pizza up
00:20:08.17\00:20:11.92
our nose and shoot
them at each other.
00:20:11.95\00:20:15.56
It was just so fun.
Have you ever done that?
00:20:15.59\00:20:20.22
But you know, it was and
I could hit you from here.
00:20:20.25\00:20:23.42
Do you know what I mean?
00:20:23.45\00:20:25.12
And the only time
you don't want to do
00:20:25.15\00:20:26.81
that is that somebody
had a cold, you like, phew.
00:20:26.85\00:20:29.76
I'm not playing with
you, that is not fair.
00:20:29.80\00:20:31.95
You know, and he was
just like, he would be coming
00:20:31.98\00:20:35.28
from working he would
just had drank and you know,
00:20:35.31\00:20:38.02
been high and you
know, wanted to do something,
00:20:38.06\00:20:40.82
waken us up, we would
dance around the room,
00:20:40.85\00:20:43.58
we'd jump over the tables.
00:20:43.61\00:20:45.05
We would wad up
hamburger meat and stick
00:20:45.08\00:20:47.01
them on the ceiling, and
see if they fell on someone.
00:20:47.04\00:20:49.98
I mean we just
had the best time.
00:20:50.02\00:20:52.15
And, as a kid I had no
idea that was dysfunctional.
00:20:52.19\00:20:56.36
Wouldn't that be fun, Anna?
00:20:56.40\00:20:58.43
So you know, just as
a kid, it's just a blast
00:20:58.46\00:21:00.83
and so- but with alcoholics,
00:21:00.86\00:21:04.78
it's like if they
are high and happy,
00:21:04.82\00:21:06.24
everything is really
good, and then they crash.
00:21:06.28\00:21:08.76
So it was like
this kind of thing.
00:21:08.80\00:21:10.51
I learned right
away, not to live in
00:21:10.55\00:21:12.35
my environment,
just to control it.
00:21:12.39\00:21:13.76
Do you know what I mean?
00:21:13.79\00:21:15.16
Because you know,
there is just a lot of stuff.
00:21:15.19\00:21:18.99
My mom again, she would
get more and more intense,
00:21:19.02\00:21:22.62
like, if I even tried to
touch my mom or hold her,
00:21:22.65\00:21:26.21
sit next to her,
it was like I knew
00:21:26.25\00:21:28.37
that something was wrong,
but I didn't know what it was.
00:21:28.41\00:21:31.00
She would say something like
00:21:31.03\00:21:32.40
"why do you have
to hang all over me?
00:21:32.43\00:21:33.80
Why do you
always need attention?"
00:21:33.83\00:21:35.27
And I remember
always needing attention.
00:21:35.30\00:21:38.49
I wanted her to touch me.
00:21:38.52\00:21:40.16
I wanted her to
just say she loved me.
00:21:40.19\00:21:41.88
I wanted to be able to
sit next to her just once.
00:21:41.92\00:21:45.17
And I remember just longing
00:21:45.20\00:21:46.83
to- my mom is
very-just beautiful and smart.
00:21:46.86\00:21:50.63
And I just wanted
just to say "I love you. "
00:21:50.67\00:21:54.40
And I just couldn't.
00:21:54.43\00:21:55.80
She just- I couldn't.
00:21:55.83\00:21:57.20
And I would stand in front
of the mirror as a little kid,
00:21:57.23\00:21:59.38
and just stand there and
try to be funnier or cuter
00:21:59.41\00:22:02.08
or whatever and then come out
and try to get her attention.
00:22:02.12\00:22:04.39
With my step-dad I
could get his attention
00:22:04.43\00:22:06.70
or my mom's boyfriend.
00:22:06.74\00:22:08.13
And he was fine if he was high,
00:22:08.17\00:22:10.24
but when he
wasn't- I mean, you know,
00:22:10.27\00:22:11.67
it's just a crazy kind of thing.
00:22:11.71\00:22:13.08
And I had-my
grandmother would have,
00:22:13.11\00:22:19.49
you know, us over and
like for holidays and stuff.
00:22:19.53\00:22:21.76
And there was an aunt that
I had that was just amazing.
00:22:21.80\00:22:25.08
She was bipolar.
00:22:25.12\00:22:26.71
Is anybody bipolar?
00:22:26.75\00:22:28.27
Do you know
anybody that's bipolar?
00:22:28.31\00:22:30.29
Okay, so I always have to
ask that, do you have a friend?
00:22:30.33\00:22:33.93
It's like, but anyhow so I
have an aunt that was bipolar.
00:22:33.96\00:22:37.53
And she was amazing.
00:22:37.56\00:22:38.93
She was funny.
00:22:38.96\00:22:40.84
You know, because
she got mannequins
00:22:40.88\00:22:42.25
and she was all
that kind of stuff.
00:22:42.28\00:22:43.65
And one time when I was
really little she came up
00:22:43.68\00:22:45.36
and she just grabbed
my face and she said,
00:22:45.40\00:22:47.98
"You are so beautiful. "
00:22:48.02\00:22:50.24
And I just started crying.
00:22:50.28\00:22:52.43
And when I-literally
just weeping, you know?
00:22:52.47\00:22:55.11
And she just picked me up
00:22:55.14\00:22:56.66
and I know that at
that moment she knew
00:22:56.69\00:22:59.14
that I was just
this abused little kid
00:22:59.17\00:23:01.55
and she picked me up and
she held me and laughed with me.
00:23:01.58\00:23:04.90
And you know,
she from moment on,
00:23:04.93\00:23:07.22
every Christmas when
I saw her, she loved me.
00:23:07.25\00:23:10.44
And it was just
the coolest thing.
00:23:10.48\00:23:11.85
I think she helped me survive,
in my-throughout my life.
00:23:11.88\00:23:17.06
But anyhow so she
would every Christmas
00:23:17.10\00:23:20.79
kind of tell me a joke.
00:23:20.82\00:23:22.57
And I survived this for this
joke-I survived with this joke,
00:23:22.61\00:23:27.51
through many, I
think, many years.
00:23:27.55\00:23:30.74
But anyhow, I'm
gonna tell you the joke.
00:23:30.77\00:23:32.83
You need to just
say- when I say anything,
00:23:32.87\00:23:34.90
just say pisu, okay?
00:23:34.93\00:23:36.51
So what'd you
have for breakfast?
00:23:36.55\00:23:38.72
Pisu. What did
you have for lunch?
00:23:38.76\00:23:40.72
Pisu. What did
you have for dinner?
00:23:40.75\00:23:44.97
Pisu. What did you do all night?
00:23:45.01\00:23:49.15
Pisu. You know, she was-I
just thought she was funny.
00:23:49.19\00:23:51.02
And she would tell
me that joke every time
00:23:51.05\00:23:52.67
I saw her. When
I was real little,
00:23:52.71\00:23:54.08
I thought that was
the funniest joke ever.
00:23:54.11\00:23:55.95
And then was a
little bit- later I thought,
00:23:55.98\00:23:57.82
oh, that's kind
of dumb, isn't it?
00:23:57.85\00:23:59.37
But I mean, I always laugh.
00:23:59.41\00:24:00.88
And when I was
about eight years old,
00:24:00.91\00:24:04.65
I went over to my grandmother's
house expecting to see her.
00:24:04.68\00:24:07.66
And I came in, and I
couldn't see her car.
00:24:07.69\00:24:11.34
I asked my mom where she's
at, and mom said that your aunt
00:24:11.37\00:24:14.19
is dead, and I
don't want you to cry
00:24:14.22\00:24:15.92
because you're gonna
upset your grandmother.
00:24:15.95\00:24:17.98
And I remember
thinking, just in that moment,
00:24:18.01\00:24:20.00
I was thinking
that if she was dead,
00:24:20.04\00:24:21.70
she would have
taken me with her.
00:24:21.74\00:24:23.34
Because she was really
what helped me survive,
00:24:23.37\00:24:25.82
especially the early stuff.
00:24:25.86\00:24:27.23
And I didn't know what dead was,
00:24:27.26\00:24:28.71
but I had that sense
that I wouldn't see her again.
00:24:28.74\00:24:31.15
And I just started crying.
00:24:31.18\00:24:33.96
And I want you to just think
about this, because I think,
00:24:33.99\00:24:36.86
when I grew up, I
thought that my mom
00:24:36.89\00:24:39.09
was so cruel for
saying that to me.
00:24:39.12\00:24:41.25
But I think that
during that day and age,
00:24:41.28\00:24:43.00
that when
somebody committed suicide,
00:24:43.03\00:24:45.01
which my aunt had
committed suicide,
00:24:45.04\00:24:47.16
nobody ever
talked about that stuff.
00:24:47.20\00:24:49.24
So it was just that
nobody talked about that.
00:24:49.28\00:24:51.58
And to come in and for
me to cry, my grandmother
00:24:51.61\00:24:53.88
would have went into
the whole thing again.
00:24:53.91\00:24:55.68
But anyhow, she
just said to stay outside
00:24:55.71\00:24:57.44
until I could get it together.
00:24:57.47\00:24:59.17
And I did, I stayed outside,
00:24:59.21\00:25:00.84
I cried. I couldn't figure
out how to get it together.
00:25:00.87\00:25:03.24
I couldn't think
about how I'm gonna survive
00:25:03.28\00:25:05.28
without her, any of that stuff.
00:25:05.32\00:25:07.59
And then the
clouds kinda parted,
00:25:07.62\00:25:09.83
sun kind of
filtered through the clouds,
00:25:09.86\00:25:11.62
and I just heard in my
head, not anybody's voice,
00:25:11.66\00:25:14.31
but I heard in my head "what
did you have for breakfast?"
00:25:14.35\00:25:17.42
And I thought, I'm
gonna somehow survive.
00:25:17.46\00:25:20.63
And I went in the
house, we did Christmas.
00:25:20.66\00:25:23.77
I went home and I
thought, you know, I'm gonna-
00:25:23.80\00:25:26.93
I think I'm just
gonna kill myself.
00:25:26.96\00:25:28.81
And how old was I?
00:25:28.85\00:25:31.26
Eight, I couldn't
figure it out how to do it.
00:25:31.30\00:25:33.37
You know because,
you know, I was little.
00:25:33.41\00:25:35.41
And I ended up to thinking,
I'm just gonna climb up
00:25:35.45\00:25:38.18
on a building and jump off.
00:25:38.21\00:25:40.40
And so I figured out
where I'm gonna climb up,
00:25:40.43\00:25:42.33
where I am gonna jump off.
00:25:42.36\00:25:43.73
We had an asphalt driveway.
00:25:43.76\00:25:45.13
And so I'm just gonna
jump off onto that driveway.
00:25:45.16\00:25:47.14
And it took me
forever to climb up
00:25:47.17\00:25:49.90
and I got over
there and leaped off.
00:25:49.93\00:25:52.58
I had put a mattress down
before I went up, you know.
00:25:52.62\00:25:58.33
Because I wanted to die,
00:25:58.37\00:25:59.74
but I didn't want to get
injured in anyway, you know.
00:25:59.77\00:26:03.00
And I landed on this mattress,
it was just ridiculous.
00:26:03.03\00:26:06.47
And ended up
injuring my leg, finding out
00:26:06.51\00:26:10.44
that with this injury-
there was an underlying disease.
00:26:10.48\00:26:14.13
They put me in braces and
crutches with this disease.
00:26:14.17\00:26:17.79
It was called
Legg Perthes Disease,
00:26:17.83\00:26:19.90
but it was
aggravated with this jump.
00:26:19.93\00:26:21.94
And so I ended up now
in braces and crutches
00:26:21.97\00:26:24.90
and orthopedic shoes.
00:26:24.94\00:26:27.64
Is there anybody who
got teased in school?
00:26:27.68\00:26:30.32
Do you think I was teased
00:26:30.35\00:26:31.72
when I went back
to school with braces,
00:26:31.75\00:26:33.33
crutches and orthopedic shoes?
00:26:33.36\00:26:34.94
Nobody even saw me before then.
00:26:34.98\00:26:36.49
And now I'm
walking down the hallway
00:26:36.52\00:26:37.89
and people are tripping me.
00:26:37.92\00:26:39.34
And I'm
thinking great, you know?
00:26:39.38\00:26:41.61
And I ended up- it
was really interesting
00:26:41.65\00:26:43.43
'cause my mom had to
start taking me to the hospital
00:26:43.46\00:26:46.00
for physical
therapy, three times a week
00:26:46.03\00:26:48.27
because of the Perthes disease.
00:26:48.30\00:26:50.49
I started to get
teased at school.
00:26:50.53\00:26:52.37
But I'm spending
time with my mom.
00:26:52.41\00:26:54.18
And I really believe that
spending time with my mom,
00:26:54.22\00:26:56.70
that she would finally
love me for the first time.
00:26:56.73\00:26:59.18
She would spend time
with me. She would love me.
00:26:59.21\00:27:01.54
She has to take me
to physical therapy.
00:27:01.57\00:27:03.58
Has to do this and I thought
00:27:03.62\00:27:06.53
that, that was just
an incredible thing.
00:27:06.56\00:27:08.33
When I went to
school and got teased,
00:27:08.36\00:27:10.08
it was a little
bit more difficult.
00:27:10.12\00:27:11.77
But what I did at school is,
I ended up trying to figure out
00:27:11.80\00:27:15.98
how I'm gonna get-let's
say you guys are my classmates.
00:27:16.01\00:27:20.16
How am I gonna get not teased,
00:27:20.19\00:27:22.14
and how am I gonna get
accepted with these braces,
00:27:22.17\00:27:24.81
crutches and orthopedic shoes?
00:27:24.84\00:27:26.21
So I saw-I was looking
at the hallway one day,
00:27:26.24\00:27:28.91
and I'm looking down the
hallway and I'm thinking,
00:27:28.94\00:27:31.89
"I got it. " I'm
gonna run with this brace.
00:27:31.93\00:27:36.07
There's a rubber
ball in the bottom
00:27:36.10\00:27:37.56
of the brace to
keep you from slipping.
00:27:37.60\00:27:39.03
I'm gonna hit the crutches,
00:27:39.06\00:27:41.14
I'm gonna pull over
myself as far forward
00:27:41.17\00:27:43.52
as I can, and just land.
00:27:43.55\00:27:47.06
And I did. I did it
like 20 feet, you know.
00:27:47.09\00:27:50.14
And some kids said,
"Wow, I'd like to try that. "
00:27:50.17\00:27:54.80
And so I said, "How
much money do you have?"
00:27:54.84\00:27:59.68
And so I started
renting them out.
00:27:59.71\00:28:01.92
You know, I became very popular.
00:28:01.96\00:28:04.10
You know, I had a
total hip replacement
00:28:04.13\00:28:06.12
not long ago because I
didn't wear them, but you know,
00:28:06.16\00:28:08.96
I just- I worked it up.
00:28:08.99\00:28:10.36
So now my mom's
taking me to the hospital,
00:28:10.39\00:28:11.76
I'm popular at school 'cause
I'm renting out these things.
00:28:11.79\00:28:13.99
And everything
started to turn around
00:28:14.02\00:28:15.87
in such an incredible way.
00:28:15.90\00:28:17.63
But what-my mom
and her boyfriend
00:28:17.66\00:28:20.44
decided that it
was too much work
00:28:20.48\00:28:23.19
for them to take care of
all of the medical stuff.
00:28:23.22\00:28:25.77
And that they needed to
send me to live somewhere else.
00:28:25.80\00:28:29.18
And I just- it just stunned me.
00:28:29.21\00:28:31.60
I have been
trying to get you to love
00:28:31.63\00:28:33.46
me my whole life, it felt like.
00:28:33.50\00:28:35.97
And I can't get
sent somewhere else.
00:28:36.01\00:28:38.50
If I get sent somewhere else,
00:28:38.53\00:28:39.90
I knew that she would forget me.
00:28:39.93\00:28:41.30
I knew that I would never
be able to get her to love
00:28:41.33\00:28:44.00
me or get accepted.
00:28:44.04\00:28:45.41
And I just tried
everything. I tried to bargain.
00:28:45.44\00:28:47.35
I'll be good.
I'll do all the chores.
00:28:47.38\00:28:49.92
You know, I
just tried to bargain
00:28:49.95\00:28:53.26
with her and she
was just, you know,
00:28:53.29\00:28:55.01
"we need to send you away. "
00:28:55.05\00:28:57.43
And they sent me to
Canada from California,
00:28:57.46\00:29:00.57
because my mom's Canadian,
00:29:00.61\00:29:01.98
but they send me
to Canada to live
00:29:02.01\00:29:04.81
with an aunt
who was 70 years old
00:29:04.85\00:29:07.53
or so diabetic, and Christian.
00:29:07.56\00:29:09.73
I didn't even
know what that was.
00:29:09.76\00:29:11.89
And I get over to her house.
00:29:11.93\00:29:13.41
And she is just really
trying to be nice to me,
00:29:13.45\00:29:17.53
but I'm thinking, you
know, what if she does like me
00:29:17.57\00:29:21.50
and what if I do like
her, I'll never get home.
00:29:21.53\00:29:23.66
Do you know what I mean?
00:29:23.70\00:29:25.07
And I don't know if
that make sense to anybody,
00:29:25.10\00:29:26.47
but I'll never get home.
00:29:26.50\00:29:28.15
So I was horrible to her.
00:29:28.19\00:29:29.78
"You cannot keep me here.
00:29:29.82\00:29:32.44
I hate you. I'm not staying. "
00:29:32.48\00:29:34.61
And she's got my room setup.
00:29:34.65\00:29:36.71
And saying I could stay
in that room all my life.
00:29:36.74\00:29:38.63
You could stay,
go to college here.
00:29:38.67\00:29:40.58
And I'm just wanting to hit
her. You can't keep me here.
00:29:40.62\00:29:43.53
That's kidnapping.
Do you know what I mean?
00:29:43.56\00:29:45.40
And I'm just like I'm beside
myself with what she was saying
00:29:45.43\00:29:48.87
and I was not pleasant at all.
00:29:48.90\00:29:52.07
She-one time, I was
doing something and she said,
00:29:52.10\00:29:55.38
you know, let me see your teeth.
00:29:55.42\00:29:56.79
And I'm thinking,
00:29:56.82\00:29:58.45
"I'm not letting
you see my teeth. "
00:29:58.49\00:29:59.99
And she literally
pried my mouth open.
00:30:00.02\00:30:01.49
And I am trying to scream and
shut my mouth as tight as I can.
00:30:01.53\00:30:04.61
And she's got her hands on
my face pushing everything open.
00:30:04.64\00:30:07.69
And my teeth were just
full of plaque and a mess.
00:30:07.73\00:30:10.59
And she was saying I
just want to see that.
00:30:10.63\00:30:12.71
And we can get the
plaque off your teeth
00:30:12.75\00:30:14.91
by brushing your
teeth with baking soda.
00:30:14.94\00:30:17.07
And I remember
thinking, at home,
00:30:17.10\00:30:18.83
I don't even have to
brush my teeth, you know?
00:30:18.87\00:30:21.52
And I was serious.
00:30:21.55\00:30:22.92
I was just like,
you know, I don't have-
00:30:22.95\00:30:24.83
and we had a one bedroom house.
00:30:24.86\00:30:26.78
We had child protective services
00:30:26.81\00:30:28.66
coming to our house
because our house was a mess.
00:30:28.70\00:30:31.41
We were a mess.
00:30:31.45\00:30:32.82
You could stick
to the bathroom floor
00:30:32.85\00:30:34.84
in my mom's
house, it was filthy.
00:30:34.88\00:30:37.18
The tile was up.
00:30:37.22\00:30:38.91
I mean it's not that
we lived in a neighborhood
00:30:38.94\00:30:40.76
where the houses were a
mess, but our house was a mess.
00:30:40.79\00:30:43.40
I just wasn't used
to- somebody's telling me
00:30:43.43\00:30:45.88
the sink busted in my mom's
bathroom or in our bathroom.
00:30:45.91\00:30:50.21
And we brushed our
teeth, if we brushed our teeth,
00:30:50.24\00:30:52.56
in the bathtub because
we didn't have bathroom sink
00:30:52.60\00:30:54.88
for years, it seemed like.
00:30:54.92\00:30:56.52
You know, so I'm
thinking that, you know,
00:30:56.55\00:30:57.92
I'm not brushing my teeth.
00:30:57.95\00:30:59.32
And she's like
"you're brushing your teeth. "
00:30:59.35\00:31:01.47
And we had this huge fight.
00:31:01.50\00:31:03.50
And she just
dragged me in the bathroom.
00:31:03.53\00:31:05.40
And when she was
dragging me in the bathroom,
00:31:05.43\00:31:06.92
I was screaming
my head off, Anna.
00:31:06.96\00:31:08.58
Screaming my head off.
00:31:08.62\00:31:09.99
And you know,
every time I screamed,
00:31:10.02\00:31:11.39
do you know what she did?
00:31:11.42\00:31:12.81
Stuck the
toothbrush in my mouth.
00:31:12.84\00:31:15.97
Every time I screamed, I
would try to-it was like,
00:31:16.01\00:31:19.16
you know, she tried everything,
00:31:19.20\00:31:20.90
but after a while, even
the school psychologist said,
00:31:20.94\00:31:23.72
"You need to send her
home. " They sent me home.
00:31:23.76\00:31:26.87
I arrived.
Everything- I thought everything
00:31:26.90\00:31:31.11
was gonna be fine
and good or whatever.
00:31:31.14\00:31:34.10
My mom's
boyfriend was trying to stop
00:31:34.14\00:31:37.07
his alcoholism, his drinking.
00:31:37.10\00:31:39.37
He was not in the best mood.
00:31:39.41\00:31:41.61
And I had broken a
fence in the front yard
00:31:41.64\00:31:43.92
playing with some friends.
00:31:43.95\00:31:45.32
And he pulled up in the
driveway at the same time.
00:31:45.35\00:31:47.85
And he just started screaming.
00:31:47.88\00:31:49.25
"You know what, the
happiest times of our lives
00:31:49.28\00:31:50.89
was when you were gone and
we do not want you back here. "
00:31:50.92\00:31:53.72
And I know now that
he was just coming down.
00:31:53.75\00:31:57.37
I mean, addicts
say the most horrible
00:31:57.40\00:31:59.75
thing to their kids at times.
00:31:59.78\00:32:01.78
But I didn't know that then.
00:32:01.81\00:32:03.81
I just knew that it's true.
00:32:03.84\00:32:05.40
And I'm not gonna convince
00:32:05.44\00:32:06.93
them that I'm okay
and that they loved me
00:32:06.96\00:32:09.09
and all that kind of stuff
and I remember just crying,
00:32:09.13\00:32:11.18
but for the first
time in my life realizing,
00:32:11.22\00:32:13.83
that I am now 11 years old.
00:32:13.87\00:32:16.14
And I don't know where to go.
00:32:16.17\00:32:18.37
You know, if it's
not here, where is it?
00:32:18.41\00:32:20.83
And somebody had
said something to me,
00:32:20.87\00:32:23.23
about the reason
people do drugs and alcohol,
00:32:23.26\00:32:25.46
is they don't want to
think about their problems.
00:32:25.50\00:32:27.66
They don't want to
deal with their problems.
00:32:27.70\00:32:29.64
And I remember thinking
00:32:29.68\00:32:31.05
that I gotta find
some drugs and alcohol.
00:32:31.08\00:32:33.00
And I went out and found
someone that would give drugs
00:32:33.04\00:32:36.86
and alcohol to an
11 year old child.
00:32:36.90\00:32:39.09
And I just, you know, I
won't elaborate on that.
00:32:39.12\00:32:42.69
But I just want
to say that people
00:32:42.73\00:32:45.36
that I found that would do
that to an 11 year old child
00:32:45.40\00:32:47.45
were not the safest folks.
00:32:47.49\00:32:48.97
And the first time I did a drug,
I did what's called Quaalude.
00:32:49.00\00:32:53.23
So like, I
remember taking the drug
00:32:53.26\00:32:56.37
and I for a brief
moment didn't care
00:32:56.40\00:32:59.48
whether you liked me or not.
00:32:59.51\00:33:01.50
Does anybody
know what I am saying?
00:33:01.53\00:33:03.05
I could care less.
00:33:03.08\00:33:04.45
I finally didn't
feel like killing myself.
00:33:04.48\00:33:06.35
I finally felt like,
"you know what, I can get by.
00:33:06.39\00:33:08.81
And if you don't
like me, so what?
00:33:08.84\00:33:10.51
Let's take it outside. "
00:33:10.55\00:33:11.92
I remember
thinking for the first time,
00:33:11.95\00:33:13.66
I don't care if my mom likes me,
00:33:13.69\00:33:15.06
I don't care of
anybody likes me or not.
00:33:15.09\00:33:16.46
If I can just take more of this,
00:33:16.49\00:33:17.86
if I could just stay
high, I will be okay.
00:33:17.90\00:33:21.31
And I really felt like that.
00:33:21.35\00:33:22.80
It was like I finally found
the solution to my problems.
00:33:22.83\00:33:26.84
The thing that was
gonna help me survive.
00:33:26.88\00:33:29.61
And I ended up high
for the next 10 years.
00:33:29.64\00:33:32.33
I was pregnant by the next year.
00:33:32.37\00:33:35.40
My parents kind
of did the same thing
00:33:35.44\00:33:39.19
that my mom's
parents did to her,
00:33:39.22\00:33:41.30
is "you should get married. "
00:33:41.33\00:33:44.31
I mean I am a child, you know.
00:33:44.34\00:33:47.25
But, that's what we planned
on doing-is that we ended up
00:33:47.28\00:33:51.69
thinking about marriage.
00:33:55.40\00:33:57.18
I am now eight and a
half months pregnant.
00:33:57.22\00:33:59.29
I weighed 104 pounds.
00:33:59.33\00:34:01.33
So I was using a lot.
00:34:01.37\00:34:03.30
I was a mess. I was young.
00:34:03.34\00:34:05.52
And went in the
hospital to deliver
00:34:05.56\00:34:09.70
before I ended up going
to Mexico to get married,
00:34:09.74\00:34:11.94
I had twins that could fit
in the palms of your hands.
00:34:11.98\00:34:15.61
They were very
small and damaged,
00:34:15.64\00:34:19.34
not only because of
my age, but all the stuff
00:34:19.37\00:34:21.24
I was putting in my body.
00:34:21.27\00:34:22.72
And I remember not
having any connection,
00:34:22.76\00:34:24.97
no-like I didn't have any sense
00:34:25.01\00:34:28.03
of what I was doing was actually
00:34:28.07\00:34:31.02
hurting these babies,
but they did not survive.
00:34:31.06\00:34:34.44
The girl was
still-born, and the boy lived
00:34:34.48\00:34:36.48
for eight and a half hours.
00:34:36.52\00:34:37.89
And the doctor came in
at one point and said to me,
00:34:37.92\00:34:40.25
"Do you realize that what you
put in your body caused this?"
00:34:40.28\00:34:43.78
And I remember thinking that,
that was the cruelest thing
00:34:43.82\00:34:47.29
anybody's ever said to me.
00:34:47.32\00:34:48.69
And I just wanted to- I
just wanted to hurt him.
00:34:48.72\00:34:51.42
I couldn't
believe that he said that.
00:34:51.45\00:34:53.66
And I ended up at that point.
00:34:53.69\00:34:55.85
And I think I had gone
into depression before then.
00:34:55.89\00:34:58.50
But I end up
going into depression.
00:34:58.53\00:35:00.79
I told my mom
after the twins died
00:35:00.82\00:35:03.04
that I could just come home.
00:35:03.07\00:35:05.05
She encouraged me to get
married and not come home.
00:35:05.08\00:35:08.01
We ended up getting married.
00:35:08.05\00:35:10.21
I moved in with his parents.
00:35:10.25\00:35:12.34
He was- his name was John.
00:35:12.38\00:35:14.44
He was in the navy.
00:35:14.48\00:35:15.87
And he went overseas.
00:35:15.90\00:35:17.27
And I stayed at his parents.
00:35:17.30\00:35:18.67
And I just want you to think
00:35:18.70\00:35:20.07
about that, do you
think his parents liked me?
00:35:20.10\00:35:23.16
Now I was a 12
year old drug addict
00:35:23.19\00:35:24.94
that just ruined
their son's life.
00:35:24.98\00:35:27.02
I didn't get that at that time.
00:35:27.06\00:35:29.04
All I got, was I'm
looking at another adult
00:35:29.07\00:35:32.11
that is looking at me
as if I am the problem.
00:35:32.15\00:35:35.12
And I remember
looking in the mirror
00:35:35.15\00:35:36.87
again saying, "What is it?"
00:35:36.90\00:35:38.27
And not having any sense
of anything, but just thinking
00:35:38.30\00:35:41.44
that now I married.
00:35:41.48\00:35:42.85
I don't have to
take that anymore.
00:35:42.88\00:35:44.75
I am legally an adult
even though I am a child.
00:35:44.78\00:35:47.28
And I don't even
have to live here.
00:35:47.32\00:35:48.69
And I remember actually leaving
that house and ending upon
00:35:48.72\00:35:51.98
the streets of Los Angeles,
homeless for the next 10 years.
00:35:52.01\00:35:55.43
When I say stepping onto
the streets of Los Angeles,
00:35:55.47\00:35:59.14
the only reason I
survived I think is I did that,
00:35:59.17\00:36:02.31
but the stuff that
happened before in my life,
00:36:02.34\00:36:05.44
the intensity of the issues
00:36:05.47\00:36:06.84
that I saw before and
that was nothing compared
00:36:06.87\00:36:08.69
to what a child
sees on the streets
00:36:08.72\00:36:10.20
when you were out there.
00:36:10.23\00:36:12.20
I was picked up
immediately by perpetrators
00:36:12.24\00:36:14.92
and addicts that used children.
00:36:14.96\00:36:19.58
And the things that I saw on
the streets was really intense.
00:36:19.62\00:36:25.31
In that moment I'm not
gonna get into too much,
00:36:25.34\00:36:28.37
but I got one time
picked by a motor cycle gang.
00:36:28.41\00:36:30.93
And they were doing
initiation for new members.
00:36:30.96\00:36:33.45
And I remember
at first thinking,
00:36:33.48\00:36:35.43
"Oh, this is fun.
We're going camping.
00:36:35.46\00:36:38.59
That would be fun. "
I don't know about you,
00:36:38.63\00:36:40.43
but I never went camping.
00:36:40.47\00:36:42.31
My family is, you know, addicts.
00:36:42.34\00:36:44.53
And we didn't do
that kind of stuff.
00:36:44.56\00:36:46.70
And so we're
just gonna go camping
00:36:46.73\00:36:48.84
and we'd take some drugs.
00:36:48.87\00:36:50.89
And we get to this camp ground,
00:36:50.92\00:36:52.31
and there was about 300 bikers
00:36:52.35\00:36:53.72
and they're doing
initiation for new members.
00:36:53.75\00:36:55.60
And what they do with initiation
is, they'd bring in kids
00:36:55.63\00:36:59.71
from the street,
they beat them, rape them,
00:36:59.75\00:37:02.56
all kinds of different things.
00:37:02.60\00:37:04.03
And by the end of the
night, either they live or die,
00:37:04.06\00:37:06.50
but that's not even an issue.
00:37:06.54\00:37:08.23
The new members get initiated.
00:37:08.27\00:37:10.38
And we were pulled in for that.
00:37:10.41\00:37:12.04
And I remember when I got there,
00:37:12.07\00:37:13.63
I got off the bike thinking
that I'm just going camping.
00:37:13.66\00:37:15.88
It's no big deal.
00:37:15.92\00:37:17.29
And I started to walk away from
that guy that took me there.
00:37:17.32\00:37:19.67
And he just screamed at me,
00:37:19.70\00:37:21.07
"Did I say that you
could walk away from me?"
00:37:21.10\00:37:24.07
And I remember
thinking, "Did I ask you?"
00:37:24.11\00:37:26.56
You know, as soon
as I said that, he hit
00:37:26.60\00:37:29.02
me in the face
as hard as he could.
00:37:29.06\00:37:31.19
And I remember even
at like 14 years old,
00:37:31.22\00:37:33.43
that I'm thinking, I
can't believe you just hit me.
00:37:33.46\00:37:36.05
And so I got up and hit him
in the face as hard as I could.
00:37:36.08\00:37:39.55
He was 38 and buffed.
00:37:39.58\00:37:42.01
I was 14 and 14, you know?
00:37:42.04\00:37:45.94
And he hit me in the face again.
00:37:45.97\00:37:48.16
And I, at that time was furious.
00:37:48.19\00:37:50.31
And I was furious in the sense
of "I don't even know you",
00:37:50.35\00:37:54.13
you know, I don't even,
you know, I'm not even sure
00:37:54.16\00:37:56.13
what's going on, but you're not
gonna-nobody is gonna hit me.
00:37:56.16\00:37:58.97
Nobody is gonna do that.
00:37:59.01\00:38:00.38
And I was just
angry and furious.
00:38:00.41\00:38:01.78
And I got up and hit him.
00:38:01.81\00:38:03.47
He hit me and each time
he hit me, I hit this tree.
00:38:03.50\00:38:05.79
It was just ridiculous.
00:38:05.83\00:38:07.20
And so now I am
angry about that.
00:38:07.23\00:38:09.31
Everybody is laughing 'cause
I kept hitting the same tree
00:38:09.34\00:38:11.78
and they thought that was funny.
00:38:11.81\00:38:13.18
And I remember getting
up and hitting him again
00:38:13.21\00:38:14.78
and I was just so furious.
00:38:14.81\00:38:16.54
I am trying to
hit him and scratch
00:38:16.58\00:38:18.29
him and all that kind of stuff.
00:38:18.33\00:38:19.98
He's laughing which
made it worse for me.
00:38:20.01\00:38:21.97
I hit him again.
00:38:22.00\00:38:23.37
And he finally hits me
where he knocked some teeth out.
00:38:23.40\00:38:27.63
I thought my face cracked.
00:38:27.66\00:38:29.03
And I decided
that I would stay down.
00:38:29.06\00:38:31.46
I was checking just
to see how damaged I am.
00:38:31.49\00:38:34.15
I don't know if
anybody has been beaten,
00:38:34.19\00:38:36.78
or in a car accident or whatever
but you just try to assess
00:38:36.82\00:38:39.52
how damaged you are.
00:38:39.56\00:38:40.93
I was trying to figure
out how many teeth are gone,
00:38:40.96\00:38:43.04
you know, I knew
that I was bleeding.
00:38:43.08\00:38:44.87
I was trying to check
out all that kind of stuff.
00:38:44.91\00:38:46.86
He walks over to me and he says,
00:38:46.90\00:38:48.58
"Man, you are really gutsy.
00:38:48.62\00:38:51.74
I like that. I'd like
you to be my old lady. "
00:38:51.78\00:38:55.28
And I'm thinking,
"Did he just ask me out?"
00:38:55.31\00:38:58.78
'Cause I don't think so.
00:38:58.82\00:39:00.29
Do you know what I mean?
00:39:00.33\00:39:01.74
And I thought, to be in a
world that is so turned around,
00:39:01.77\00:39:06.49
that what- the respect that you
got was that you could get hit
00:39:06.53\00:39:09.57
in the face and still get up.
00:39:09.60\00:39:11.68
And I'm thinking, the
stuff I saw on the street
00:39:11.71\00:39:14.47
was not-it was like
everything was turned around.
00:39:14.51\00:39:17.24
Does that make sense?
00:39:17.27\00:39:18.64
It was just like you are
trying to make to sense out
00:39:18.67\00:39:20.27
of something that
doesn't make sense.
00:39:20.30\00:39:21.86
I remember telling him, "no. "
00:39:21.89\00:39:23.98
"No thanks", you know?
00:39:24.01\00:39:25.42
And he said, "Oh,
that wasn't a question. "
00:39:25.46\00:39:27.52
I'm now his personal property
which probably saved my life.
00:39:27.55\00:39:30.35
But now I am his
personal property.
00:39:30.38\00:39:32.29
At one time, he was so
high, and this is how I think,
00:39:32.33\00:39:35.75
ridiculous we are, as addicts.
00:39:35.78\00:39:37.15
He was so high, but he decided
that now I am his girlfriend,
00:39:37.18\00:39:41.09
now his lady and I don't
know how to shoot a gun, right?
00:39:41.12\00:39:45.02
So he's gonna teach me.
00:39:45.05\00:39:47.40
And I'm
thinking, "Are you really
00:39:47.44\00:39:49.26
gonna put a gun in my hand?"
00:39:49.29\00:39:51.47
And then he
literally hands me a gun
00:39:51.51\00:39:53.95
and he's gonna
set up the target.
00:39:53.98\00:39:56.35
I'm thinking "I so
don't need a target",
00:39:56.39\00:39:58.50
you know, I'm thinking.
00:39:58.53\00:39:59.98
And I don't know what
happened, and I didn't shoot him
00:40:00.01\00:40:02.28
because I don't
know how to shoot a gun.
00:40:02.31\00:40:03.89
But how hard
could it be, you know.
00:40:03.92\00:40:05.80
And he's walking
over to set a target up
00:40:05.83\00:40:07.71
and everything in
my mind was thinking
00:40:07.74\00:40:09.71
"just shoot him", you know.
00:40:09.74\00:40:11.37
And--but that's--the
stuff I saw on the street,
00:40:11.40\00:40:14.07
was that kind of stuff.
00:40:14.10\00:40:15.47
It was almost like, you know,
00:40:15.50\00:40:17.00
turning around and just
seeing things upside down.
00:40:17.03\00:40:19.52
I just took my
drugs to survive stuff,
00:40:22.65\00:40:24.47
I just took my drug.
00:40:24.50\00:40:25.93
I was in a drug
house one time in
00:40:25.96\00:40:27.68
and I was high and I
was hearing this guy talk.
00:40:27.71\00:40:31.38
And this guy was talking about--
00:40:31.41\00:40:35.09
can I use an example 'cause--
00:40:35.12\00:40:36.55
let me see an
example of someone.
00:40:36.58\00:40:39.61
Is there a doctor in the house?
00:40:39.64\00:40:43.56
Okay, come on up.
00:40:43.59\00:40:46.40
He tried just like to
sit lower in his seat.
00:40:46.43\00:40:51.07
So now he was-- I just
heard this doctor talking
00:40:51.10\00:40:56.95
and he was just talking
about he was a cardiac surgeon.
00:40:56.98\00:41:00.96
Then I thought how cool is that.
00:41:00.99\00:41:02.51
And I remember
thinking, how cool is that.
00:41:02.54\00:41:05.04
And I went over
and I said, you know,
00:41:05.07\00:41:07.00
"Wow, can I see your hands?
00:41:07.03\00:41:08.56
That is
amazing." And I'm thinking
00:41:08.59\00:41:11.27
"you do heart transplants."
00:41:11.30\00:41:12.92
You know, and I don't know why,
00:41:12.95\00:41:14.81
but my whole life I wanted
someone to be normal, anybody.
00:41:14.84\00:41:18.53
You know what I mean?
00:41:18.56\00:41:19.93
There's gotta be
somebody--be normal,
00:41:19.96\00:41:21.33
just throw me in
front of a train,
00:41:21.36\00:41:22.73
cause I'm so
done. And I think for,
00:41:22.76\00:41:24.70
you know, whenever I met
somebody that had a decent life,
00:41:24.73\00:41:29.04
I just-- it was like,
00:41:29.07\00:41:30.44
I longed for that to be real.
00:41:30.47\00:41:32.21
And so I'm just
kind of enjoying the fact
00:41:32.24\00:41:34.54
that he was--
had a cardiac surgery
00:41:34.57\00:41:36.52
and he started
telling some stuff.
00:41:36.55\00:41:38.20
And then I think he's
sitting next to a friend of mine
00:41:38.23\00:41:40.99
who is a kid, and
she is a prostitute.
00:41:41.02\00:41:44.13
So I said to him,
"What are you doing here?"
00:41:44.16\00:41:47.62
And he said "what do you mean?"
00:41:47.65\00:41:50.77
Please don't say that
again. What are you doing here?
00:41:50.80\00:41:52.41
I'm just asking you a question
00:41:52.44\00:41:54.09
and you said
what you mean, again.
00:41:54.12\00:41:55.49
And I said, "I'm just
asking you one simple question,
00:41:55.52\00:41:57.91
what are you doing here?"
00:41:57.94\00:41:59.31
And I remember
being so angry, like,
00:41:59.34\00:42:01.01
"what are you doing here?"
00:42:01.04\00:42:02.41
Did you--the people that
you work with, know you're here?
00:42:02.44\00:42:04.52
Does your wife know you're here?
00:42:04.55\00:42:05.92
And I wanted to just ask him,
00:42:05.95\00:42:07.49
just please tell me
what you're doing here.
00:42:07.52\00:42:10.19
And I don't know what I wanted
him to say but in my heart,
00:42:10.22\00:42:13.14
I wanted him to be normal.
00:42:13.17\00:42:14.58
You know what I mean?
00:42:14.61\00:42:15.98
And I knew that
what he was gonna pay her
00:42:16.01\00:42:17.84
is probably 20 bucks, right?
00:42:17.87\00:42:19.99
And so when you go to work,
00:42:20.02\00:42:21.39
when you first breathe
that work, the first breath,
00:42:21.42\00:42:23.96
do you get more than 20 bucks?
00:42:23.99\00:42:27.25
Oh, I'm sorry. Some doctors do.
00:42:27.28\00:42:32.33
But you know, I was so angry.
00:42:38.48\00:42:40.11
It's like when you
breathe, when you first walk in,
00:42:40.14\00:42:43.04
do you make more than that?
00:42:43.07\00:42:44.45
And you know, everybody
is telling me to shut up.
00:42:44.48\00:42:46.79
You know what, you know,
00:42:46.82\00:42:48.19
people around me are
saying, "Just stop. Just stop."
00:42:48.22\00:42:50.65
You know and I'm
thinking I'm not gonna stop.
00:42:50.68\00:42:53.54
And then finally somebody says
00:42:53.57\00:42:54.94
something to me
like they're fed.
00:42:54.97\00:42:57.02
And raise your
hand if you get this,
00:42:57.05\00:42:58.45
"Cheri, we're playing him."
00:42:58.48\00:43:01.24
And I'm like "really?"
00:43:01.27\00:43:03.06
'cause I want to
know what you make.
00:43:03.09\00:43:05.76
You know, "What's
in your bank account
00:43:05.79\00:43:07.18
because she doesn't
have a bank account."
00:43:07.21\00:43:08.98
You know, "Where do you live?
00:43:09.01\00:43:10.38
Because she lives
here in this drug house."
00:43:10.41\00:43:11.99
You know, "What
are talking about?
00:43:12.02\00:43:13.98
What do you drive?
She doesn't have a car.
00:43:14.01\00:43:16.53
What do you mean
we're playing him?"
00:43:16.56\00:43:18.66
You know, who's playing who?
00:43:18.69\00:43:20.06
And I just want to
scream to the entire world,
00:43:20.09\00:43:22.96
"Does this make
sense to anybody?"
00:43:22.99\00:43:25.32
you know, and so finally
people are saying "stop."
00:43:25.35\00:43:28.23
Just take some more
drugs and that's what I did.
00:43:28.26\00:43:30.92
I really got by
just sedating myself
00:43:30.95\00:43:34.07
because I just felt like,
you know, is anybody normal?
00:43:34.10\00:43:37.41
Is anybody, is
anybody, you know, so funny.
00:43:37.44\00:43:41.63
You know, 10 years go
by and I'm 23 years old.
00:43:41.66\00:43:44.38
I'm burned out.
I'm now dealing drugs.
00:43:44.41\00:43:47.75
We do a drug deal.
And we're doing that.
00:43:47.78\00:43:49.43
I had been up for
five days freebasing coke.
00:43:49.46\00:43:52.83
I'm high, and I don't
know if anybody's done that,
00:43:52.86\00:43:54.85
but you get a little paranoid,
all that kind of stuff.
00:43:54.88\00:43:57.35
And I've got
seven pounds of cocaine.
00:43:57.38\00:43:59.04
We're selling to a guy
from San Francisco and from LA,
00:43:59.07\00:44:01.80
so we fly in. We're doing
all of this kind of crazy stuff
00:44:01.83\00:44:07.58
and he owns a restaurant.
00:44:07.61\00:44:09.34
And I wanna
scream at the same thing.
00:44:09.37\00:44:11.39
You know, we're dealers.
00:44:11.42\00:44:12.99
You own a restaurant in
San Francisco on the bay.
00:44:13.02\00:44:16.72
What're you doing buying drugs?
00:44:16.75\00:44:18.46
And I just want to
say to somebody, "stop."
00:44:18.49\00:44:23.08
You know, I just want
to say that and so he's--
00:44:23.11\00:44:25.45
you know, we've got chemicals,
00:44:25.48\00:44:26.85
we've got scales,
we've got the drugs,
00:44:26.88\00:44:28.33
we've got everything set up.
00:44:28.36\00:44:29.73
We've got cassettes on
the table and we are upstairs
00:44:29.76\00:44:32.27
and we've got all of the
stuff $67,000 cash in one deal,
00:44:32.30\00:44:35.72
in another deal.
00:44:35.75\00:44:37.12
We're transferring these drugs
over, and by the time I get--
00:44:37.15\00:44:39.59
we get this drug deal
home, we get on the airplane.
00:44:39.62\00:44:44.37
I'm on the airplane,
going back and the guy
00:44:44.40\00:44:46.14
that I'm with gets
the stewardess high.
00:44:46.17\00:44:48.88
Just think about that.
00:44:48.91\00:44:50.28
I'm wanting her to just
go get her seat belt on.
00:44:50.31\00:44:52.16
Do you know what I mean?
00:44:52.19\00:44:53.56
I'm thinking
"is anybody normal?"
00:44:53.59\00:44:55.64
Besides Teresa. No.
00:44:55.67\00:44:57.95
Is anybody normal? Is anybody--
00:44:57.98\00:45:00.32
you know and I just, you
know by the time I get home--
00:45:00.35\00:45:02.52
I live in a drug
house, I'm getting home.
00:45:02.55\00:45:04.48
And I just want-- I
just can't stand it.
00:45:04.51\00:45:06.74
I just want
somebody to be normal.
00:45:06.77\00:45:08.82
The money that we
made doesn't go with us.
00:45:08.85\00:45:11.31
We just ran drugs. It
goes back to the attorney
00:45:11.34\00:45:13.51
that's never done
a drug in his life
00:45:13.54\00:45:14.91
but this is his business.
Money goes back to him.
00:45:14.94\00:45:17.79
I've been out
forever and I go in my room
00:45:17.82\00:45:19.58
and I crash and I am done.
00:45:19.61\00:45:21.45
And when you've been up
for five days or so, on drugs,
00:45:21.48\00:45:23.99
when you crash, you crash.
00:45:24.02\00:45:25.39
It's almost like a death.
00:45:25.42\00:45:26.79
And I go in my room to
crash and a couple hours later,
00:45:26.82\00:45:29.42
I get woke up to a
guy with a gun to my face
00:45:29.45\00:45:31.46
and he just starts screaming,
slams the gun in my face
00:45:31.49\00:45:34.55
and "I am gonna
blow your head off."
00:45:34.58\00:45:36.38
And "nobody steals from me."
00:45:36.41\00:45:37.85
And na- na-na-na-na-na-na,
and I can't even wake up to hear
00:45:37.88\00:45:40.73
what he's saying. I am so--
00:45:40.76\00:45:42.55
I can't, I can't focus.
00:45:42.58\00:45:44.38
And I'm thinking
"what is he saying?"
00:45:44.41\00:45:47.03
And finally I realize,
he's gonna blow my head off.
00:45:47.06\00:45:50.57
And I thought,
"Thank you so much.
00:45:50.60\00:45:53.88
I've been trying to
do this my whole life."
00:45:53.91\00:45:55.77
You know what I mean?
00:45:55.80\00:45:57.17
I just totally relax,
thinking, "you know what?
00:45:57.20\00:45:59.26
I can't even tell you how much
I appreciate this", you know.
00:45:59.29\00:46:03.44
And so I relax and he
starts just flipping out.
00:46:03.47\00:46:07.33
"I'm gonna blow your head off."
00:46:07.36\00:46:08.73
And na-na-na-na and I
think because I relax,
00:46:08.76\00:46:10.79
he's just like going on and on.
00:46:10.82\00:46:13.14
And he says, "Are you crazy?"
00:46:13.17\00:46:15.02
And I'm thinking,
"Are you my psychiatrist?"
00:46:15.05\00:46:17.42
You know I thought,
"Just pull the trigger."
00:46:17.45\00:46:19.45
What are we doing dialoguing?"
00:46:19.48\00:46:20.97
And he just kept on and on.
00:46:21.00\00:46:22.82
And finally I realized
he's just trying to scare me.
00:46:22.85\00:46:25.24
And I remember for
the first time in my life
00:46:25.27\00:46:27.24
just wanted to scream as I
taken my next breath scares me.
00:46:27.27\00:46:30.77
"You blowing my head
off doesn't scare me.
00:46:30.80\00:46:32.50
I don't wanna be
here. I don't like it here.
00:46:32.53\00:46:35.16
I've not had--
there is not been one day
00:46:35.19\00:46:36.98
that I've stepped out
and had it work out for me,
00:46:37.01\00:46:39.33
just pull the
trigger." And he is like,
00:46:39.36\00:46:42.55
"You're crazy."
And I'm thinking,
00:46:42.58\00:46:44.35
"You have a gun to my face.
00:46:44.38\00:46:46.23
Who's crazy? You're crazy.
00:46:46.26\00:46:48.29
Pull the trigger. Do you want
me to call somebody for you?
00:46:48.32\00:46:51.83
Are you a little
girl? Pull the trigger."
00:46:51.86\00:46:53.58
You know, what do you
say, to somebody just like--
00:46:53.61\00:46:56.10
and I remember just
thinking, "pull the trigger."
00:46:56.13\00:46:57.81
And he leaves
and I am just done.
00:46:57.84\00:47:01.57
And, you know, few days go by
00:47:01.60\00:47:03.95
and I'm thinking I
still have to breathe
00:47:03.98\00:47:05.35
and I still have to walk
and I still have to get up
00:47:05.38\00:47:07.01
and I don't want to.
You know, I don't know
00:47:07.04\00:47:08.84
if anybody has
ever felt like that,
00:47:08.87\00:47:10.24
but I don't want to.
And I finally realized
00:47:10.27\00:47:12.92
that I have to get
someone to help me.
00:47:12.95\00:47:14.79
I need to go somewhere
where someone can help me
00:47:14.82\00:47:17.83
and talk me out
of killing myself.
00:47:17.86\00:47:20.78
I should have went
to church or something.
00:47:20.81\00:47:22.45
But I went to my mom's house.
00:47:22.48\00:47:24.96
And so I get to my mom's house.
00:47:24.99\00:47:27.00
And, you know, my
mom's boyfriend is high.
00:47:27.03\00:47:31.14
My mom is, you
know, checked out.
00:47:31.17\00:47:33.49
And I go in the house.
And it's just the same.
00:47:33.52\00:47:36.12
It's dark. The
blinds aren't open.
00:47:36.15\00:47:37.94
Nobody goes to my--
goes to bed at my house
00:47:37.97\00:47:40.27
at a decent hour and
they sleep in the day.
00:47:40.30\00:47:42.31
And I mean, it's
just like you walk in
00:47:42.34\00:47:43.71
and you walk in to
all of that and I realized
00:47:43.74\00:47:45.89
that it was just
the wrong thing to do.
00:47:45.92\00:47:47.78
And I am a hundred
pounds, I'm strung out,
00:47:47.81\00:47:49.31
I can barely read
and somebody says,
00:47:49.34\00:47:52.03
"Wow, good to see
you. How are you?"
00:47:52.06\00:47:56.26
And what do you say
when somebody says that?
00:47:56.29\00:47:59.22
Good. I'm like I am inside
00:47:59.25\00:48:02.03
"just come back from
vacation in San Francisco."
00:48:02.06\00:48:04.20
You know what I
mean? It's just like--
00:48:04.23\00:48:05.60
I'm not sure why-- I
mean I have teeth missing,
00:48:05.63\00:48:07.25
I look terrible,
I'm strung out, I mean,
00:48:07.28\00:48:09.06
there's nothing
good about anything.
00:48:09.09\00:48:10.85
And I wanted to
jump in front of a train,
00:48:10.88\00:48:12.93
and I am just saying
"good" and, you know,
00:48:12.96\00:48:15.37
my dad's
watching a football game
00:48:15.40\00:48:17.43
and you know, smoking some weed.
00:48:17.46\00:48:20.19
And everybody is just, you know,
00:48:20.22\00:48:22.57
and I'm thinking
what am I doing here?
00:48:22.60\00:48:23.97
And I stayed for a
little while and then thought,
00:48:24.00\00:48:25.67
you know, I just gotta go.
00:48:25.70\00:48:27.07
And I got up to
leave and mom said,
00:48:27.10\00:48:28.83
"Oh, I went back to school
since last time I saw you."
00:48:28.86\00:48:32.26
And I said, "Are you kidding me?
00:48:32.29\00:48:34.48
You went back to school?"
00:48:34.51\00:48:35.88
You know, my mom's been
through a lot with my dad
00:48:35.91\00:48:38.21
and my step dad and with us and,
00:48:38.24\00:48:40.58
you know, she is
been checked out,
00:48:40.61\00:48:42.20
but she went back to school.
00:48:42.23\00:48:43.83
You know, and I'm
just--that's so cool.
00:48:43.86\00:48:46.66
And so I said, "You know,
00:48:46.69\00:48:48.06
what are you taking in school?"
00:48:48.09\00:48:50.26
And she said, "Social work."
00:48:50.29\00:48:54.36
And I had to blow her head off.
00:48:54.39\00:48:55.94
No, you know, everything in me,
00:48:55.97\00:48:57.92
I thought "if I had a gun
00:48:57.95\00:48:59.32
you would not have
survived that statement."
00:48:59.35\00:49:01.29
What do you mean you
are taking social work?
00:49:01.32\00:49:04.34
You've never touched.
You've never said you love me.
00:49:04.37\00:49:06.59
You've-- our family is a mess,
00:49:06.62\00:49:08.37
what are you gonna
teach somebody else
00:49:08.40\00:49:09.77
how to have a normal family?
00:49:09.80\00:49:11.17
Are you kidding
me? Raise your hand
00:49:11.20\00:49:12.57
if you're a social worker
and should not be, you know?
00:49:12.60\00:49:16.13
You know, what I mean.
00:49:16.16\00:49:17.64
She puts her
hand down real fast.
00:49:17.67\00:49:19.62
So--but, you know what,
00:49:19.65\00:49:21.02
I am thinking,
"Are you kidding me?"
00:49:21.05\00:49:23.01
She could've said anything else.
00:49:23.04\00:49:24.73
She could've said anything else,
00:49:24.76\00:49:26.13
and I wouldn't have been--
I was stunned. I was stunned.
00:49:26.16\00:49:29.08
I thought you know
what, I can barely breathe.
00:49:29.11\00:49:31.55
It feels like
if somebody sucking
00:49:31.58\00:49:33.14
all the oxygen away
from my environment.
00:49:33.17\00:49:34.91
And I don't know if
I'm gonna survive today.
00:49:34.94\00:49:37.15
And I just want you to
tell me that you love me.
00:49:37.18\00:49:40.10
And I don't get
this social work thing.
00:49:40.13\00:49:42.91
I don't get it. And I
remembered all I said was "wow,
00:49:42.94\00:49:45.96
good luck with that" you know.
00:49:45.99\00:49:48.38
And she went into the room.
00:49:48.41\00:49:49.78
And she got me this envelope.
00:49:49.81\00:49:51.52
And she brought it out and
she said here and I took it.
00:49:51.55\00:49:55.56
And I went back to the
drug house that I live in.
00:49:55.59\00:49:57.51
And I remember
thinking that I am just done.
00:49:57.54\00:50:00.20
I walked in the
house. There was a naked guy
00:50:00.23\00:50:04.08
high on cannabis
and all hallucinating,
00:50:04.11\00:50:05.89
playing air guitar
in the living room.
00:50:05.92\00:50:07.42
And I remember
thinking I am in no mood,
00:50:07.45\00:50:09.76
but when you
live in a drug house,
00:50:09.79\00:50:11.16
she can't say who is there.
00:50:11.19\00:50:12.56
I mean, you can walk in
and whoever is there, is there.
00:50:12.59\00:50:14.03
I mean and so I'm walking in.
00:50:14.06\00:50:15.57
I walked in the bathroom,
00:50:15.60\00:50:16.97
the heroin
addicts tend to throw up,
00:50:17.00\00:50:18.53
I mean, they
shoot off some times
00:50:18.56\00:50:22.30
and so somebody had
thrown up in the bathroom,
00:50:22.33\00:50:23.92
and unless you have a
meth addict, it stays there.
00:50:23.95\00:50:27.94
So--but it's like,
you know, being able to--
00:50:27.97\00:50:30.65
I went into the
bathroom and it was a mess
00:50:30.68\00:50:32.15
and I went into my room
00:50:32.18\00:50:33.65
and I'm looking for
something to kill myself with.
00:50:33.68\00:50:35.44
And I remember just desperately
looking for something, anything.
00:50:35.47\00:50:38.53
And I saw that envelope
on the bed that I'd thrown in
00:50:38.56\00:50:41.14
when I walked in the
room and I picked it up.
00:50:41.17\00:50:43.19
And I wanted to rip it
up into a billion pieces.
00:50:43.22\00:50:45.62
And I remembered
literally wanted to rip it up.
00:50:45.65\00:50:48.00
And that was the first
time I felt the presence of God.
00:50:48.03\00:50:50.77
And I don't know who
in the room has felt that,
00:50:50.80\00:50:53.44
and who hasn't but
that was the first time
00:50:53.47\00:50:54.95
I had ever felt that.
And when I picked it up,
00:50:54.98\00:50:56.72
I just felt this
overwhelming sense of being safe
00:50:56.75\00:51:00.27
for the first time in my life.
00:51:00.30\00:51:02.28
I thought this overwhelming
sense of being loved
00:51:02.31\00:51:04.38
for the first time in my life.
00:51:04.41\00:51:06.62
And I just was stunned. I
knew it was God even though
00:51:06.65\00:51:10.09
I didn't have any
background of that.
00:51:10.12\00:51:12.10
And I remember
just standing there.
00:51:12.13\00:51:13.50
And I felt like the Holy
Spirit said to me not in a voice
00:51:13.53\00:51:16.59
but just impress me
to open up the envelope
00:51:16.62\00:51:20.45
and read what was in there.
00:51:20.48\00:51:22.34
And I opened up the envelope.
00:51:22.37\00:51:24.45
There were some papers.
00:51:24.48\00:51:25.85
There was a--my mom
got an "A" on the papers
00:51:25.88\00:51:28.19
that was what she
wrote in the social work--
00:51:28.22\00:51:30.33
in her social work program.
00:51:30.36\00:51:32.61
And she got an
"A", underneath the "A",
00:51:32.64\00:51:34.16
the instructor said,
"Please give this to Cheri."
00:51:34.19\00:51:37.32
And I just got
through this the best I could.
00:51:37.35\00:51:39.76
I was a fairly illiterate.
But I got through the best
00:51:39.79\00:51:41.63
I could and that
was my mom's life story.
00:51:41.66\00:51:44.01
My mom was
molested as a little girl.
00:51:44.04\00:51:46.26
She was given up by her mom
when she was five years old.
00:51:46.29\00:51:49.37
She was given to an aunt,
00:51:49.40\00:51:51.61
molested by an
uncle when she was 12.
00:51:51.64\00:51:53.51
Her mom then
came back and got her,
00:51:53.54\00:51:55.46
moved her to the United States.
00:51:55.49\00:51:57.42
She met my dad, ended
up with the pregnancies
00:51:57.45\00:51:59.88
and all that stuff
that I had told you about.
00:51:59.91\00:52:01.88
And then I get
to the third page,
00:52:01.91\00:52:03.68
and at that time I had
this overwhelming sense
00:52:03.71\00:52:06.77
that I wanted to tell my mom,
00:52:06.80\00:52:08.29
"I wish you would have told me,
00:52:08.32\00:52:09.72
because I would have just told
you I love you and that's okay."
00:52:09.75\00:52:12.72
But I get to the third page
00:52:12.75\00:52:14.12
and on the top of the
third page it just said,
00:52:14.15\00:52:16.20
"The only reason I
survived any of this is,
00:52:16.23\00:52:17.99
I took my anger and
hatred out on my second child
00:52:18.02\00:52:20.31
and I ruined her life."
And it just--I was stunned.
00:52:20.34\00:52:24.23
For the first time in my life,
00:52:24.26\00:52:25.63
it felt like
somebody said out loud,
00:52:25.66\00:52:28.53
the truth, 'cause I
always-- "what was it?
00:52:28.56\00:52:30.86
What is it? What happened?"
00:52:30.89\00:52:32.45
And I always
had those questions,
00:52:32.48\00:52:34.14
but now I'm reading
it and that made sense
00:52:34.17\00:52:36.29
and I heard God say that
"this was never about you.
00:52:36.32\00:52:39.66
And if you trust me, I
could change your life."
00:52:39.69\00:52:43.21
And I remember
thinking, "no way.
00:52:43.24\00:52:46.79
I am strung out.
I have no skills.
00:52:46.82\00:52:49.35
I have no value to anyone."
00:52:49.38\00:52:51.26
And I didn't, no value at all.
00:52:51.29\00:52:54.28
And I remember
just sitting there,
00:52:54.31\00:52:55.68
just wanting to weep.
00:52:55.71\00:52:57.08
There's no way that you
could make any difference.
00:52:57.11\00:52:59.94
And I just got--and I
don't know how God does this
00:52:59.97\00:53:02.62
when He shows you something,
00:53:02.65\00:53:04.07
you see everything
but you see nothing.
00:53:04.10\00:53:06.03
I mean, how does
the Holy Spirit do that?
00:53:06.06\00:53:07.64
I don't even know. But
what I felt like He showed me,
00:53:07.67\00:53:10.65
is who I am in His eyes, right?
00:53:10.68\00:53:14.51
Has anybody
ever thought of that?
00:53:14.54\00:53:15.94
When God looks
at you, who are you?
00:53:15.97\00:53:18.13
What He said to
me, what I believe,
00:53:18.16\00:53:20.57
is that He's known me forever,
00:53:20.60\00:53:22.01
from the
foundations of the world.
00:53:22.04\00:53:23.74
Long before I was--
He's known me forever.
00:53:23.77\00:53:25.74
I mean, God knows us.
00:53:25.77\00:53:28.18
And He knows us the
day after resurrection.
00:53:28.21\00:53:31.36
And I think He showed me
00:53:31.39\00:53:32.76
who I am the day
after resurrection.
00:53:32.79\00:53:34.60
And He said stop to
finding yourself right now.
00:53:34.63\00:53:37.24
Stop to finding yourself
because all these stuff--
00:53:37.27\00:53:39.48
and I remember
just been really, really
00:53:39.51\00:53:43.90
overwhelmed by the
fact that what He showed me,
00:53:43.93\00:53:47.27
and I got a
little sense of that.
00:53:47.30\00:53:49.54
But what He
showed me was beautiful
00:53:49.57\00:53:51.20
and innocent and not, you know,
00:53:51.23\00:53:53.91
not so trashed
with all this stuff.
00:53:53.94\00:53:55.96
And I remember thinking
that if you could do that,
00:53:55.99\00:53:58.11
I would do--I'd do
whatever, you know.
00:53:58.14\00:54:00.75
And I just sat there and cried
00:54:00.78\00:54:02.37
and eventually
stood up and thought,
00:54:02.40\00:54:04.47
you know, I am going
to step into recovery.
00:54:04.50\00:54:07.98
I had to get God
out of drug house.
00:54:08.01\00:54:09.81
I don't know about you, but
I realized that this was God.
00:54:09.84\00:54:12.79
And there was a naked guy
00:54:12.82\00:54:14.19
in the living room
playing air guitar.
00:54:14.22\00:54:15.59
And this is no place
for God to be, you know?
00:54:15.62\00:54:18.26
So I tried to, you
know, let's just say God,
00:54:18.29\00:54:21.33
you know, let's just
go out the window here.
00:54:21.36\00:54:23.45
So you don't have to go
through the living room.
00:54:23.48\00:54:25.21
And I remember just
having this ridiculous
00:54:25.24\00:54:27.31
thought about that, but
now I do international ministry
00:54:27.34\00:54:32.22
and God does His best work
with naked guys high on drugs.
00:54:32.25\00:54:35.74
And I don't know
why, He is a genius at it.
00:54:35.77\00:54:37.73
I mean, He really can
come into the life of people
00:54:37.76\00:54:39.87
that are so far
removed from anything
00:54:39.90\00:54:42.27
that you would never think,
00:54:42.30\00:54:43.77
that they could
even get their life back,
00:54:43.80\00:54:45.57
and God goes in there
and changes everything.
00:54:45.60\00:54:48.34
And I think that
what He did for me was,
00:54:48.37\00:54:50.05
He stepped into my
life and changed everything.
00:54:50.08\00:54:53.96
And, you know, this week
we're gonna be talking about,
00:54:53.99\00:54:56.66
you know, different
things and that whole journey
00:54:56.69\00:54:59.89
and what I have
learned about recovery
00:54:59.92\00:55:02.32
and addiction and
all that kind of stuff.
00:55:02.35\00:55:04.20
And I hope you
come to the meetings,
00:55:04.23\00:55:05.63
but what I want to say tonight
00:55:05.66\00:55:07.42
is I am so overwhelmed by
God as my recovery partner.
00:55:07.45\00:55:14.92
You know what I mean,
is that every single thing
00:55:14.95\00:55:17.22
that I needed, He provided.
00:55:17.25\00:55:18.62
Every single step that I made,
00:55:18.65\00:55:20.77
He opened up a way
for me to get the skill
00:55:21.76\00:55:23.33
I needed to take the next step.
00:55:23.36\00:55:24.91
Every single
time I was so afraid
00:55:24.94\00:55:26.65
that I wouldn't make
that through the day,
00:55:26.68\00:55:28.54
He helped me make
it through the day.
00:55:28.57\00:55:30.32
Every single time that
I didn't fit in anywhere,
00:55:30.35\00:55:33.01
He showed me that
I fit in with Him.
00:55:33.04\00:55:35.21
And that was such
an incredible journey
00:55:35.24\00:55:37.09
or it is such an
incredible journey
00:55:37.12\00:55:38.96
that if you are struggling
with any kind of addictions here
00:55:38.99\00:55:41.66
tonight, please
let's hang out and talk
00:55:41.69\00:55:44.28
sometime during this weekend.
00:55:44.31\00:55:46.58
But know that God is
just so good at what He does.
00:55:46.61\00:55:49.98
If you are a church member
and haven't struggled a lot
00:55:50.01\00:55:52.37
with addictions and
those kind of things,
00:55:52.40\00:55:54.19
please know that you
are the light of the world.
00:55:54.22\00:55:58.05
And I am gonna tell you tomorrow
00:55:58.08\00:55:59.68
about the vegan
vegetarian that I met that made
00:55:59.71\00:56:03.32
this next journey even possible.
00:56:03.35\00:56:06.14
I wanna just say for people
that are viewing this program
00:56:11.16\00:56:15.48
that are not here
with us that I know
00:56:15.51\00:56:19.46
that some folks are out
there that you don't think
00:56:19.49\00:56:21.62
that you're gonna
be able to stand up,
00:56:21.65\00:56:23.70
but let God
show you who you are.
00:56:23.73\00:56:25.62
Let God show you who He is.
00:56:25.65\00:56:27.06
Let God introduce
you to recovery in a way
00:56:27.09\00:56:30.76
that will give you some hope.
00:56:30.79\00:56:32.90
And I really think like
any of the 12 step programs,
00:56:32.93\00:56:35.53
any of that kind of stuff,
is that the first step is to,
00:56:35.56\00:56:38.32
you know, just look
at how messed up you are,
00:56:38.35\00:56:41.02
messed up things are.
00:56:41.05\00:56:42.42
But then step into
the fact that God is God
00:56:42.45\00:56:45.03
and can restore us to sanity.
00:56:45.06\00:56:46.77
And I love the fact,
just like the demoniac--
00:56:46.80\00:56:51.05
does anybody know about
the demoniac in the Bible?
00:56:51.08\00:56:53.23
Just like the demoniac,
is that He can meet us.
00:56:53.26\00:56:55.74
We are filled with a
thousand different addictions,
00:56:55.77\00:56:58.21
we are filled with a
thousand different things,
00:56:58.24\00:57:00.26
I didn't know what it even felt
like to be safe in my own skin
00:57:00.29\00:57:03.47
or to be able to step
out and just take a breath.
00:57:03.50\00:57:06.71
And God said, "I'm gonna
teach you all of those things."
00:57:06.74\00:57:09.00
And He was faithful at
that. He actually did that.
00:57:09.03\00:57:12.29