O soul, are you
weary and troubled?
00:01:04.08\00:01:14.11
No light in the
darkness you see?
00:01:14.12\00:01:23.61
There's light for
a look at the Savior,
00:01:23.62\00:01:32.77
And life more abundant and free!
00:01:32.78\00:01:43.17
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
00:01:43.18\00:01:51.49
Look full in His wonderful face,
00:01:51.50\00:02:00.38
And the things of
earth will grow strangely dim
00:02:00.39\00:02:09.72
In the light of
His glory and grace.
00:02:09.73\00:02:19.64
His word shall not
fail you He promised,
00:02:19.65\00:02:28.79
Believe Him, and
all will be well.
00:02:28.80\00:02:37.48
Then go to a
world that is dying,
00:02:37.49\00:02:45.97
His perfect salvation to tell!
00:02:45.98\00:02:55.74
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
00:02:55.75\00:03:03.48
Look full in His wonderful face,
00:03:03.49\00:03:11.71
And the things of
earth will grow strangely dim
00:03:11.72\00:03:20.11
In the light of
His glory and grace.
00:03:20.12\00:03:26.81
Sing that chorus one more time.
00:03:26.82\00:03:29.03
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
00:03:29.04\00:03:36.27
Look full in His wonderful face,
00:03:36.28\00:03:44.35
And the things of
earth will grow strangely dim
00:03:44.36\00:03:53.71
In the light of
His glory and grace.
00:03:53.72\00:04:06.25
So with pastor prayer.
00:04:21.42\00:04:22.77
Dear Father, today I pray
00:04:24.88\00:04:27.57
that we might
have the mind of Christ
00:04:27.58\00:04:30.50
and that your
presence will be in our midst.
00:04:30.51\00:04:33.59
May you do a supernatural work
00:04:33.60\00:04:36.32
in our lives this morning.
00:04:36.33\00:04:38.73
May our hearts to
your-- open our hearts
00:04:38.74\00:04:42.15
to your word and
make appropriate changes.
00:04:42.16\00:04:45.04
May we have the
thoughts of Christ,
00:04:45.05\00:04:47.35
the emotions of Christ,
00:04:47.36\00:04:49.09
and the actions of Christ.
00:04:49.10\00:04:50.75
I pray in the
precious name of Jesus, amen.
00:04:50.76\00:04:54.74
Let's turn to the scriptures.
00:04:56.49\00:04:58.27
Galatians Chapter 2, verse 20,
00:04:58.28\00:05:00.27
"I am crucified with Christ,
00:05:01.75\00:05:04.05
nevertheless I live, yet not I,
00:05:04.06\00:05:07.59
but Christ liveth
in me and the life
00:05:07.60\00:05:12.39
which I now live in the flesh
00:05:12.40\00:05:14.48
I live by the
faith of the Son of God,
00:05:14.49\00:05:17.76
who loved me, and
gave himself for me."
00:05:17.77\00:05:21.41
In 6 Bible Commentary 1075,
00:05:22.90\00:05:26.13
it describes the new birth.
00:05:26.14\00:05:28.70
She says, "The
new birth is a rare
00:05:28.71\00:05:31.58
experience in
this age of the world.
00:05:31.59\00:05:34.33
This is the reason
why there are so many
00:05:34.34\00:05:36.89
perplexities in the churches.
00:05:36.90\00:05:39.52
Many, so many, who
assume the name of Christ,
00:05:39.53\00:05:43.16
are unsanctified and unholy.
00:05:43.17\00:05:46.30
They have been baptized,
00:05:46.31\00:05:47.93
but they were buried alive.
00:05:47.94\00:05:51.21
Self did not die, and therefore
00:05:51.22\00:05:54.55
they did not rise to
newness of life in Christ."
00:05:54.56\00:05:59.83
The family
today is under attack.
00:05:59.84\00:06:03.18
Fifty percent of
first time marriages
00:06:03.19\00:06:05.66
are ending in divorce.
00:06:05.67\00:06:08.13
The statistics
go higher for second
00:06:08.14\00:06:10.68
and even higher
for third marriages.
00:06:10.69\00:06:13.58
In the church, the
divorce rate is higher
00:06:13.59\00:06:17.18
which tells you which
groups Satan is interested in.
00:06:17.19\00:06:20.31
My husband and I moved to
Sonora, California in 1998.
00:06:22.49\00:06:29.66
We started a couples group
that lasted for three years.
00:06:29.67\00:06:34.69
We then started the
Christ Quest Institute
00:06:34.70\00:06:38.90
with a weekend
seminar followed by
00:06:38.91\00:06:41.70
a three-year
cycle of weekly group
00:06:41.71\00:06:45.39
and an every other
week video presentation
00:06:45.40\00:06:49.21
by Christ Quest Institute.
00:06:49.22\00:06:53.26
This was a program from
00:06:53.27\00:06:55.10
Life Partners
Christian Ministries
00:06:55.11\00:06:57.96
founded by Ken Nair
based out of Phoenix, Arizona.
00:06:57.97\00:07:02.53
It was a privilege to
work with the couples.
00:07:02.54\00:07:06.54
How true this
quote is from education,
00:07:06.55\00:07:10.38
"To deal with human
minds is the nicest job
00:07:12.75\00:07:17.00
that was ever
committed to mortal man."
00:07:17.01\00:07:20.22
This morning we will describe
00:07:21.60\00:07:23.39
problem couples, state
some of the principles taught,
00:07:23.40\00:07:28.30
describe the paradigm
shift that had to take place
00:07:28.31\00:07:32.49
and then the impact
it had on the couples.
00:07:32.50\00:07:37.19
Example number
one, the husband grew up
00:07:37.20\00:07:40.76
in a very abusive childhood.
00:07:40.77\00:07:43.23
His father was incredibly
00:07:43.24\00:07:45.14
verbally and physically abusive.
00:07:45.15\00:07:47.99
At a young age, he
joined the marines.
00:07:48.00\00:07:51.05
He was a man's man,
in spite of his father,
00:07:51.06\00:07:55.23
he became a very
sincere follower of Christ.
00:07:55.24\00:07:59.37
He asked God,
whom he should marry?
00:07:59.38\00:08:02.03
A girl's name came to his mind,
00:08:02.04\00:08:05.10
he courted and married her.
00:08:05.11\00:08:07.81
However, under his leadership,
00:08:07.82\00:08:09.58
his wife became quite
withdrawn and depressed.
00:08:09.59\00:08:15.40
If she ever opened
up, she paid for it.
00:08:15.41\00:08:19.41
He and his wife came to class
00:08:19.42\00:08:21.11
because one of his
friends had invited him.
00:08:21.12\00:08:24.27
He was resistant
and very guarded.
00:08:24.28\00:08:28.09
How would you
counsel this couple?
00:08:28.10\00:08:29.59
Couple number two,
this husband's missionary
00:08:32.18\00:08:36.08
father had been
unfaithful to his mother.
00:08:36.09\00:08:39.69
As a result of
bitterness he brought
00:08:39.70\00:08:41.85
rage and anger
into his marriage.
00:08:41.86\00:08:45.43
Even though he was a
Sabbath school teacher,
00:08:45.44\00:08:48.43
trouble brewed at home.
00:08:48.44\00:08:50.80
He was known to trash
his home in fits of anger.
00:08:50.81\00:08:55.36
He was easily defensive.
00:08:55.37\00:08:57.69
When confronted,
his flesh would rise
00:08:57.70\00:09:00.58
as he defended himself.
00:09:00.59\00:09:02.97
He thought that
what happened in marriage
00:09:02.98\00:09:05.23
should never be
discussed publicly.
00:09:05.24\00:09:08.15
One night, when he was
gently asked the question,
00:09:08.16\00:09:11.17
he got mad, and
left the group abruptly.
00:09:11.18\00:09:14.56
He left squealing his car
wheels out of the parking lot.
00:09:14.57\00:09:18.91
How would you
counsel this couple?
00:09:18.92\00:09:21.90
Example number three,
this physician and his wife
00:09:24.31\00:09:27.91
traveled several hours
each evening to participate.
00:09:27.92\00:09:31.33
He was first elder
at his local church.
00:09:31.34\00:09:34.17
People looked on
them as a model couple,
00:09:34.18\00:09:37.26
yet the wife felt so alone.
00:09:37.27\00:09:41.03
His wife wondered if she
had married the right man.
00:09:41.04\00:09:44.41
Her father had
advised her to marry him.
00:09:44.42\00:09:47.22
They both came from
missionary families,
00:09:47.23\00:09:50.24
however, there was
constant conflict in the home.
00:09:50.25\00:09:53.18
He was irritable,
critical, demeaning,
00:09:53.19\00:09:57.41
grumpy, sour,
exacting, complaining, unhappy,
00:09:57.42\00:10:04.30
yet they were in
church every week, smiling.
00:10:04.31\00:10:07.53
The testimony of
their grown daughter
00:10:08.83\00:10:10.97
was that there was always
arguing with no resolution.
00:10:10.98\00:10:14.44
She wondered if they
really loved each other.
00:10:14.45\00:10:17.58
How would you
counsel this couple?
00:10:17.59\00:10:19.63
Example number four
was a pastor and his wife.
00:10:21.96\00:10:27.20
He was well-studied and learned.
00:10:27.21\00:10:30.63
He corrected his wife frequently
00:10:30.64\00:10:32.82
and felt superior to her.
00:10:32.83\00:10:35.14
He was proud and self-righteous.
00:10:35.15\00:10:38.25
She was suffering under his
00:10:38.26\00:10:39.64
demeaning oppressive leadership.
00:10:39.65\00:10:42.26
She refused to return home
00:10:42.27\00:10:44.37
with her husband
after the seminar.
00:10:44.38\00:10:48.18
She did not want to return home
00:10:48.19\00:10:50.07
unless he agreed to participate
00:10:50.08\00:10:51.92
in the weekly
discipline sessions.
00:10:51.93\00:10:55.40
How would you
counsel this couple?
00:10:55.41\00:10:58.01
Would you have counseled her to
00:10:58.02\00:10:59.22
go home be under his authority
00:10:59.23\00:11:01.45
just appreciate his
good points and not complain?
00:11:01.46\00:11:04.75
What principles did they learn
00:11:06.70\00:11:08.88
that were so
invaluable as to make
00:11:08.89\00:11:11.35
the dramatic
changes that occurred.
00:11:11.36\00:11:14.09
How would you run
a group of couples
00:11:14.10\00:11:15.86
at varying levels of maturity
00:11:15.87\00:11:18.06
with some even separated?
00:11:18.07\00:11:21.19
Their wives would not
even come to the group.
00:11:21.20\00:11:25.22
Others had a more
mature relationship,
00:11:25.23\00:11:27.85
they just wanted more intimacy.
00:11:27.86\00:11:30.83
All were
prophesying to be Christians
00:11:30.84\00:11:33.61
but the husbands
especially were bitter,
00:11:33.62\00:11:36.37
blaming their wives,
taking things personally,
00:11:36.38\00:11:39.95
so that it was hard
for them to be objective.
00:11:39.96\00:11:42.70
Most of them had
a 50-50 mentality
00:11:42.71\00:11:45.76
that says, you do
your part, I'll do my part.
00:11:45.77\00:11:50.43
If you don't do your part
00:11:50.44\00:11:52.69
then I am not
going to do my part.
00:11:52.70\00:11:55.96
Other attitudes included,
00:11:55.97\00:11:58.05
I would be a pretty good husband
00:11:58.06\00:12:00.60
if my wife would change
00:12:00.61\00:12:02.83
or I would be a
pretty good husband
00:12:02.84\00:12:04.33
if I had a different wife.
00:12:08.91\00:12:11.33
They were self sufficient
00:12:11.34\00:12:13.72
with a mental
consent to the truth
00:12:13.73\00:12:15.29
but lacked a hard change.
00:12:15.30\00:12:17.55
However, they all
wanted a better relationship.
00:12:17.56\00:12:20.78
All stated, they were
willing for their thinking
00:12:20.79\00:12:23.40
to change based on Bible truth.
00:12:23.41\00:12:25.81
The following are some
basic principles utilized.
00:12:27.47\00:12:31.98
Number one, the men
were told at the beginning
00:12:31.99\00:12:36.16
that this was a
men's discipline group
00:12:36.17\00:12:39.64
not a marriage counseling group.
00:12:39.65\00:12:42.74
The gospel
commission in Matthew 28 states,
00:12:42.75\00:12:46.10
"Go therefore,
and make disciples
00:12:46.11\00:12:49.01
of all the
nations baptizing them
00:12:49.02\00:12:51.61
in the name of the Father
00:12:51.62\00:12:52.80
and the Son and
the Holy Spirit."
00:12:52.81\00:12:55.03
Number two, the goal was to help
00:12:56.95\00:12:59.84
a man become more Christ like,
00:12:59.85\00:13:02.85
and to understand
the heart of their wives.
00:13:02.86\00:13:06.91
Men were encouraged to
maintain this goal of Christ
00:13:06.92\00:13:10.23
likeness regardless of
the response of their wives.
00:13:10.24\00:13:14.85
They were there to please God
00:13:14.86\00:13:16.91
not their wives,
after all their wives
00:13:16.92\00:13:20.47
might suggest
doing the wrong thing.
00:13:20.48\00:13:22.54
Number three, women were
not to be corrected publicly.
00:13:24.80\00:13:30.31
It was too hard on them.
00:13:30.32\00:13:32.64
They were already
critiquing themselves
00:13:32.65\00:13:34.50
and being very
hard on themselves.
00:13:34.51\00:13:37.76
Public exposure would have been
00:13:37.77\00:13:39.68
unnecessarily devastating.
00:13:39.69\00:13:43.03
The men were responsible
00:13:43.04\00:13:45.04
for presenting their
wives without spot or wrinkle
00:13:45.05\00:13:49.36
before God, not
we as group leaders.
00:13:49.37\00:13:52.78
Ephesians 5,
"Husbands, love your wives,
00:13:53.83\00:13:57.20
just as Christ
also loved the church
00:13:57.21\00:14:01.02
and gave Himself up for her,
00:14:01.03\00:14:03.45
that He might sanctify her,
00:14:03.46\00:14:05.73
having cleansed her
by the washing of water
00:14:05.74\00:14:09.36
with the word that He might
00:14:09.37\00:14:11.91
present to Himself the
church in all her glory,
00:14:11.92\00:14:15.64
having no spot or
wrinkle or any such thing,
00:14:15.65\00:14:20.28
but that she should
be holy and blameless."
00:14:20.29\00:14:23.91
So husbands ought also to love
00:14:23.92\00:14:26.49
their own wives
as their own bodies.
00:14:26.50\00:14:29.18
Number four, men were to accept
00:14:30.36\00:14:33.87
100 percent responsibility
00:14:33.88\00:14:36.26
for whatever
happened in the home.
00:14:36.27\00:14:38.89
The same way a foreman accepts
00:14:38.90\00:14:41.09
responsibility
for his employees.
00:14:41.10\00:14:43.87
The buck stops here.
00:14:43.88\00:14:46.06
We were not talking about fault.
00:14:46.07\00:14:49.17
Fault means that
you are a problem causer
00:14:49.18\00:14:53.04
but we were talking
about responsibility
00:14:53.05\00:14:56.13
which means that we
are a problem solver.
00:14:56.14\00:14:59.53
Do you hear the difference?
00:14:59.54\00:15:01.72
So fault means we
are a problem causer,
00:15:01.73\00:15:05.31
responsibility means
that we are a problem solver.
00:15:05.32\00:15:09.00
So what is a spiritual leader?
00:15:09.01\00:15:11.36
And there were
lot of misconception
00:15:11.37\00:15:13.88
as to what a
spiritual leader was,
00:15:13.89\00:15:15.90
but this is one of the
things that we learned.
00:15:15.91\00:15:18.30
A man who has the ability to
perceive the spirit of another
00:15:18.31\00:15:22.82
to understand his
condition at that moment
00:15:22.83\00:15:25.88
and know what is required by God
00:15:25.89\00:15:28.53
to care for that person's spirit
00:15:28.54\00:15:30.60
in a manner that will increase
00:15:30.61\00:15:32.50
that person's
spiritual maturity.
00:15:32.51\00:15:35.14
Let me repeat that again.
00:15:35.15\00:15:36.90
A spiritual leader is
a man who has the ability
00:15:36.91\00:15:40.39
to perceive the
spirit of another,
00:15:40.40\00:15:42.41
perceive the spirit of my wife,
00:15:42.42\00:15:45.03
to understand its
condition at that moment,
00:15:45.04\00:15:47.42
to understand the
condition of her heart
00:15:47.43\00:15:48.91
at that moment, and
know what is required
00:15:48.92\00:15:51.42
by God to care for
that person's spirit
00:15:51.43\00:15:54.47
or her heart in a
manner that will increase
00:15:54.48\00:15:57.11
that person's
spiritual maturity.
00:15:57.12\00:15:59.29
Wouldn't that be
tremendous if every home,
00:15:59.30\00:16:01.32
a man was a true
spiritual leader?
00:16:01.33\00:16:03.69
What does that mean
00:16:05.08\00:16:06.49
to accept 100
percent responsibility?
00:16:06.50\00:16:09.31
Many men hear the word fault,
00:16:09.32\00:16:12.18
and I want to
clarify this a little bit,
00:16:12.19\00:16:14.67
so we've asked couples,
00:16:14.68\00:16:15.97
we've asked men,
what is that mean to you?
00:16:15.98\00:16:18.70
And so we ask
them, "Is your wife
00:16:18.71\00:16:20.29
at fault for some of
the problems in the home?"
00:16:20.30\00:16:22.84
And they always
say, "Yes, of course."
00:16:22.85\00:16:26.75
Then we ask
them, "Are you at fault
00:16:26.76\00:16:28.46
for the some--some of
the things in the home?"
00:16:28.47\00:16:31.00
They think it's a trick question
00:16:31.01\00:16:33.19
and so then we say,
"Yes you are at the fault
00:16:33.20\00:16:35.66
for some of the-- Oh, yes, yes,
00:16:35.67\00:16:36.74
I am at fault for
some of the things
00:16:36.75\00:16:38.14
that happen in our home."
00:16:38.15\00:16:39.51
They don't want to
take all of the fault.
00:16:39.52\00:16:41.83
You know, now is Christ at fault
00:16:41.84\00:16:43.81
for the problems
that happen to us
00:16:43.82\00:16:45.92
as human beings, as Christians,
00:16:45.93\00:16:47.22
as husbands and wives?
00:16:47.23\00:16:49.81
And they say, "Well, no,
00:16:49.82\00:16:50.87
he is not at fault at all."
00:16:50.88\00:16:53.15
Now and the fourth
question which is most crucial,
00:16:53.16\00:16:55.82
does Christ hold Himself
100 percent responsibility?
00:16:55.83\00:16:58.73
And then most of
the time, they say, yes,
00:16:59.76\00:17:02.40
because that's what
the gospel is all about.
00:17:02.41\00:17:04.68
Christ is our only hope.
00:17:04.69\00:17:06.39
He became sin for
us. He is our Savior.
00:17:06.40\00:17:10.17
The gospel, the cross,
00:17:10.18\00:17:11.81
that's what the
cross is all about,
00:17:11.82\00:17:13.40
is Christ taking 100
percent responsibility.
00:17:13.41\00:17:16.39
It is in this context
that men are taught to be
00:17:16.40\00:17:18.56
as a savior to their families.
00:17:18.57\00:17:20.84
This is having
the mind of Christ
00:17:20.85\00:17:22.55
which we're gonna
mentioned in just a few moments.
00:17:22.56\00:17:24.78
We can agree then with Christ
00:17:24.79\00:17:26.26
that we are wretched, miserable,
00:17:26.27\00:17:27.45
poor, blind, and naked.
00:17:27.46\00:17:29.14
There is a
problem with the good guys
00:17:30.78\00:17:33.46
because so often the good guys
00:17:33.47\00:17:35.36
are the ones that
appear like they're good guy,
00:17:35.37\00:17:37.95
but they don't
necessarily, they're are not
00:17:37.96\00:17:39.72
really truly
surrendered in the home.
00:17:39.73\00:17:41.99
Everybody thinks
they are great guy.
00:17:42.00\00:17:43.73
What we have asked is,
what is your motivation,
00:17:45.39\00:17:48.23
why you are coming here,
why do you wanna come here?
00:17:48.24\00:17:50.67
If you are coming to improve
00:17:50.68\00:17:51.69
your marriage,
we can't help you.
00:17:51.70\00:17:53.80
If you want to
learn what it means to be
00:17:53.81\00:17:55.20
like Christ in your
home then we can help you.
00:17:55.21\00:17:58.38
If it is your fervor desire
to be a living demonstration
00:17:58.39\00:18:01.93
of the character of
Christ, we can help you.
00:18:01.94\00:18:04.93
We in--number five,
we introduced the concept
00:18:08.36\00:18:10.32
of the helper which
is a word in Hebrews
00:18:10.33\00:18:12.72
the word Ezer and we
don't have the pictures
00:18:12.73\00:18:17.86
to be able to show you
but there is three letters
00:18:17.87\00:18:20.88
of the Hebrew
Alephbet or Alphabet
00:18:20.89\00:18:23.46
that comprises word
Ezer and the first letter
00:18:23.47\00:18:27.14
looks like an eye
with a little pupil
00:18:27.15\00:18:29.96
in the center and
that word reveal--
00:18:29.97\00:18:32.39
that letter means reveals.
00:18:32.40\00:18:34.47
The second
letter of this word is
00:18:34.48\00:18:38.15
the letter Zayin
which has a Z sound
00:18:38.16\00:18:41.99
and that means
the Ax, it looks an Ax
00:18:42.00\00:18:44.23
in the ancient pictorial Hebrew.
00:18:44.24\00:18:46.72
The third letter looks like a 9
00:18:46.73\00:18:49.78
and that means the letter Resh
00:18:49.79\00:18:52.03
and it has R sound and
that's the word for man.
00:18:52.04\00:18:55.18
So the word Ezer really
means revealer of the Ax Man.
00:18:55.19\00:18:59.40
Now who would be the Ax Man?
00:18:59.41\00:19:00.55
In scripture when
they put words like that--
00:19:02.55\00:19:05.55
letters together, it
has a special meaning
00:19:05.56\00:19:07.91
and Ax Man in
Hebrew means enemy,
00:19:07.92\00:19:10.45
so this is a
revealer of the enemy.
00:19:10.46\00:19:12.96
Genesis Chapter 2:18
describes the concept,
00:19:15.07\00:19:17.98
"It is not good
that man should be alone;
00:19:17.99\00:19:20.18
I will make him a
helper fit for him."
00:19:20.19\00:19:24.29
Elsewhere in Psalm it describes,
00:19:24.30\00:19:27.03
"I will lift up
mine eyes unto the hills
00:19:27.04\00:19:28.49
from whence cometh my help."
00:19:28.50\00:19:30.19
That's the same word,
00:19:30.20\00:19:31.19
and that's
referring to the Holy Spirit.
00:19:31.20\00:19:33.82
So the helper has
used for the Holy Spirit.
00:19:33.83\00:19:37.63
This means that
God uses the women,
00:19:37.64\00:19:40.95
sometimes it's a little hard
but I would encourage you to
00:19:40.96\00:19:44.61
listen carefully and ponder it.
00:19:44.62\00:19:46.46
This means that God
used the woman to reveal
00:19:46.47\00:19:48.98
when a man is not
representing Christ likeness.
00:19:48.99\00:19:52.14
It is just in her,
it is just part of her.
00:19:52.15\00:19:54.15
She is designed that way.
00:19:54.16\00:19:56.11
Wise is the man
who listens to his wife
00:19:56.12\00:19:59.94
and takes her
into consideration.
00:19:59.95\00:20:02.73
This is a key concept
in understanding our wives.
00:20:02.74\00:20:07.47
A helper then is
someone who reveals
00:20:07.48\00:20:10.12
how we are not
demonstrating Christ likeness.
00:20:10.13\00:20:13.54
A helper is someone who reveals
00:20:13.55\00:20:15.88
the enemy which is self.
00:20:15.89\00:20:18.12
This allows
wife to play the role
00:20:18.13\00:20:19.59
that God intended for
them to have in a home.
00:20:19.60\00:20:23.23
Men and women tend
to treat each other
00:20:23.24\00:20:24.77
as the enemy especially
when there are serious problems.
00:20:24.78\00:20:28.77
They begin to
have adversarial roles
00:20:28.78\00:20:30.79
and build walls, big walls,
00:20:30.80\00:20:33.01
but God appointed
the wife to help the man
00:20:33.02\00:20:35.47
see how he is not like Christ.
00:20:35.48\00:20:38.95
And so this is the
concept of the helper,
00:20:38.96\00:20:41.54
and is a powerful concept.
00:20:41.55\00:20:42.79
When you start listening to it
00:20:42.80\00:20:44.36
and you start making
application personally,
00:20:44.37\00:20:46.70
it transforms your
life and it transforms
00:20:46.71\00:20:48.44
your way of
looking at your wife.
00:20:48.45\00:20:51.10
It transforms your
way of looking at women.
00:20:51.11\00:20:54.05
Some of the
couples when they are
00:20:54.06\00:20:55.08
in the early
stages, they can hear when
00:20:55.09\00:20:58.44
the wife of one
of their colleagues
00:20:58.45\00:21:00.78
is making a
comment to her husband,
00:21:00.79\00:21:04.22
she is being a good
helper and they can see
00:21:04.23\00:21:06.24
the value in it but they don't
00:21:06.25\00:21:08.02
necessarily at first
see the value for them,
00:21:08.03\00:21:10.29
for their own wives.
00:21:10.30\00:21:11.56
But when you could begin to see
00:21:11.57\00:21:12.61
the value for
yourself in your marriage
00:21:12.62\00:21:14.86
that's when you
really start having some
00:21:14.87\00:21:16.87
exciting times
happen, and God is in
00:21:16.88\00:21:20.46
the business of
changing us, isn't He?
00:21:20.47\00:21:22.27
He doesn't want to
live us the way we are.
00:21:22.28\00:21:23.98
Number six, your desire
shall be for your husband.
00:21:25.25\00:21:28.42
Now this is a part of the curse.
00:21:28.43\00:21:30.91
If you are acquainted
with the passages there
00:21:30.92\00:21:33.88
in Genesis Chapter 3,
this begins with verse 7
00:21:35.07\00:21:38.36
and onward, "Then the eyes of
00:21:38.37\00:21:40.69
both of them were opened
00:21:40.70\00:21:41.69
and they knew
that they were naked
00:21:41.70\00:21:42.96
and they sewed
fig-leaves together
00:21:42.97\00:21:44.97
and made themselves coverings.
00:21:44.98\00:21:46.84
And they heard
the sound of the Lord
00:21:46.85\00:21:48.08
walking in the
garden of the cool,
00:21:48.09\00:21:49.64
in the cool of the
day, and Adam and his wife
00:21:49.65\00:21:51.68
hid themselves from
the presence of the Lord
00:21:51.69\00:21:53.37
among the trees of the garden.
00:21:53.38\00:21:55.97
Then the Lord
God called to Adam,
00:21:55.98\00:21:57.45
and said, where are you?
00:21:57.46\00:21:59.74
So he said, I heard your voice
00:21:59.75\00:22:01.19
in the garden, and I was afraid,
00:22:01.20\00:22:03.16
because I was
naked and I hid myself."
00:22:03.17\00:22:06.74
Now listen to how
God dealt with Adam.
00:22:06.75\00:22:08.98
Did He say,
"Adam, you have sinned,
00:22:08.99\00:22:11.44
what in the
world are you doing?"
00:22:11.45\00:22:14.01
Instead of doing that he
said, "Adam, where are you."
00:22:14.02\00:22:16.52
Here he asked
them-- and then he said,
00:22:16.53\00:22:20.01
"Who told you
that you were naked?
00:22:20.02\00:22:22.10
Have you eaten from the tree,
00:22:22.11\00:22:24.00
which I commanded you
that you should not eat?"
00:22:24.01\00:22:26.15
Now did God know whether he
had eaten of the tree or not.
00:22:26.16\00:22:30.18
Of course, he did.
00:22:30.19\00:22:31.51
But that's the way
the God deals with us.
00:22:31.52\00:22:33.11
He goes and he
listens and he asks questions.
00:22:33.12\00:22:37.82
Whenever you ask questions,
00:22:37.83\00:22:39.67
you usually know the answer
00:22:39.68\00:22:41.56
but you're wanting
to see whether they're
00:22:41.57\00:22:43.26
going to answer the
correct answer or not,
00:22:43.27\00:22:44.91
where they really
understand the situation or not.
00:22:44.92\00:22:48.39
Then the man said,
00:22:48.40\00:22:49.66
"The woman whom
you gave to be with me,
00:22:49.67\00:22:51.25
she gave me of
the tree, and I ate."
00:22:51.26\00:22:53.76
And the Lord God
said to the woman,
00:22:53.77\00:22:55.21
"What is this you have done?"
00:22:55.22\00:22:57.15
The woman said, "The
serpent deceived me, and I ate.'
00:22:57.16\00:23:01.14
"So here we see
already Adam blaming
00:23:01.15\00:23:04.79
God and the
woman, the woman whom you
00:23:04.80\00:23:08.53
gave to be with
me, she made me eat.
00:23:08.54\00:23:11.43
And then Eve said the
serpent deceived me and I ate.
00:23:11.44\00:23:16.46
And so this is the
curse and we're just gonna
00:23:16.47\00:23:19.00
mention the curse to the woman
00:23:19.01\00:23:20.98
because the curse to the
man that's a mechanical curse.
00:23:20.99\00:23:23.81
It describes, you know,
00:23:23.82\00:23:26.30
tilling the soil
and they're going to do
00:23:26.31\00:23:27.45
it with the sweat of their brow,
00:23:27.46\00:23:28.93
but to the woman he
said, I will greatly
00:23:28.94\00:23:30.68
multiply your
sorrow and your conception.
00:23:30.69\00:23:33.41
Has a lot of
women been one of sorrow
00:23:33.42\00:23:36.55
and especially in conception?
00:23:36.56\00:23:37.84
In pain you shall
bring forth children.
00:23:39.11\00:23:40.88
Is it a painful? Have you ever,
00:23:40.89\00:23:43.08
known of a woman
who did not have pain
00:23:43.09\00:23:45.21
in childbirth except if she had,
00:23:45.22\00:23:47.56
you know, an anesthetic.
00:23:47.57\00:23:48.60
Your desire shall
be for your husband
00:23:50.42\00:23:51.94
and he shall rule over you.
00:23:51.95\00:23:55.20
So here is the passage,
00:23:55.21\00:23:56.63
"Your desire shall
be for your husband,"
00:23:56.64\00:23:58.41
what does that mean?
00:23:58.42\00:23:59.72
This is a word
teshuwqah in Hebrew
00:23:59.73\00:24:02.37
and in the
original sense it means
00:24:02.38\00:24:03.87
a stretching out
after a longing for--
00:24:03.88\00:24:07.67
a stretching out
after a longing for.
00:24:07.68\00:24:10.23
Now this is
found in three places
00:24:10.24\00:24:11.55
in scriptures, it's found here.
00:24:11.56\00:24:13.15
It's found also
in Genesis 4 verse 7,
00:24:13.16\00:24:15.18
its desire,
referring to sin is towards you
00:24:15.19\00:24:18.63
but you should rule over it.
00:24:18.64\00:24:20.28
And then in Song
of Solomon 7 verse 10,
00:24:20.29\00:24:22.98
"I am my beloved's and
His desire is toward me."
00:24:22.99\00:24:26.15
And so when we
look at those passages,
00:24:26.16\00:24:28.23
not any of those
really help us to understand
00:24:28.24\00:24:30.93
what this is meaning
because if we were to--
00:24:30.94\00:24:36.57
This is going to be a
curse, so to be a curse,
00:24:36.58\00:24:39.36
it has to be cursed, doesn't it?
00:24:39.37\00:24:40.50
And so if it really
meant that your desire
00:24:41.50\00:24:43.89
should be for your husband,
00:24:43.90\00:24:44.91
so a woman desires her
husband sexually and for a man
00:24:44.92\00:24:49.01
that's the number
one thing on his list.
00:24:49.02\00:24:51.64
Would that be a curse? No.
00:24:51.65\00:24:54.18
That wouldn't be a curse,
00:24:54.19\00:24:55.90
and so then-- so
then as we put it
00:24:55.91\00:24:59.20
all together then
within the context of a curse,
00:24:59.21\00:25:01.99
your desire shall
be for you husband,
00:25:02.00\00:25:03.37
so a woman looks to her husband
00:25:03.38\00:25:06.00
for value and affirmation.
00:25:06.01\00:25:07.95
Now she looked to her husband
for value and affirmation
00:25:07.96\00:25:10.47
and he listened
to her and he said,
00:25:10.48\00:25:11.71
oh, yes, and he affirmed
her, he showed her value,
00:25:11.72\00:25:15.24
he let her feel
like she was just
00:25:15.25\00:25:16.92
the most tremendous
person in the whole world.
00:25:16.93\00:25:19.08
If a man did that,
then would that be a curse?
00:25:19.09\00:25:21.33
No, that wouldn't be
curse that would be tremendous,
00:25:22.89\00:25:25.51
you know, but the curse part is
00:25:25.52\00:25:27.73
that he doesn't have a clue
00:25:27.74\00:25:29.52
how to give you
value and affirmation
00:25:29.53\00:25:31.98
in his self-centered
motive of operation.
00:25:34.23\00:25:37.88
And so you are craving
for value and affirmation
00:25:37.89\00:25:40.48
shall be for your husband,
and he will not understand
00:25:40.49\00:25:45.06
how to value and affirm you.
00:25:45.07\00:25:46.61
That's the curse,
and that's the curse.
00:25:46.62\00:25:48.40
It's a relationship motivation
00:25:48.41\00:25:50.92
that a woman has in the curse.
00:25:50.93\00:25:52.59
And we could tell
that woman get together,
00:25:52.60\00:25:53.99
they talk about--
what do they talk about?
00:25:54.00\00:25:56.03
They talk about their families,
00:25:56.04\00:25:57.03
they talk about their husband,
00:25:57.04\00:25:58.03
they talk about their children.
00:25:58.04\00:25:59.23
We get together as
men, what do we talk about?
00:25:59.24\00:26:01.26
We talk about
cars and motor cycles
00:26:01.27\00:26:02.97
and skiing,
those types of things.
00:26:02.98\00:26:05.32
So we have a group of men
00:26:09.90\00:26:12.35
and their wives who
are living in the flesh
00:26:12.36\00:26:14.72
who have very little power
in the lives and are stuck.
00:26:14.73\00:26:19.98
If a marriage is in trouble,
00:26:19.99\00:26:22.11
someone is in the flesh.
00:26:22.12\00:26:24.82
We conceptualized the
problem as, "lay the sin."
00:26:24.83\00:26:28.85
They know not
that they are wretched,
00:26:28.86\00:26:31.01
miserable, poor,
blind, and naked.
00:26:31.02\00:26:34.76
The problem is not that they are
00:26:34.77\00:26:37.70
wretched, miserable,
poor, blind, and naked,
00:26:37.71\00:26:41.04
the problem is
they don't know it.
00:26:41.05\00:26:43.99
They had to be led to see
00:26:45.25\00:26:46.53
their helpless and
hopeless condition.
00:26:46.54\00:26:49.73
They had to
become spiritual minded
00:26:49.74\00:26:52.48
and cry out as
Paul did in Roman 7,
00:26:52.49\00:26:56.68
"I am of the
flesh, sold under sin."
00:26:56.69\00:27:01.33
Only a spiritual
man would say that.
00:27:01.34\00:27:04.12
By watching each
other they began to see
00:27:05.69\00:27:08.79
the defensiveness
and self-justification
00:27:08.80\00:27:11.42
that was so
prevalent in the men.
00:27:11.43\00:27:13.23
They saw the
hardness of their hearts.
00:27:14.54\00:27:17.08
We encourage the
women to speak out
00:27:18.50\00:27:22.59
in an effort to
help their husbands.
00:27:22.60\00:27:25.47
The other men saw the
earnestness of the women
00:27:25.48\00:27:28.19
wanting their
husbands to be Christ like.
00:27:28.20\00:27:31.20
They saw how
foolish a man looked
00:27:31.21\00:27:34.34
resisting his wife's efforts.
00:27:34.35\00:27:36.58
Slowly but surely
the men would begin
00:27:38.11\00:27:41.33
asking themselves,
do I have as little
00:27:41.34\00:27:44.76
understanding of my wife's heart
00:27:44.77\00:27:47.09
as I see
demonstrated in the other men,
00:27:47.10\00:27:50.43
could it be that I
lack understanding also?
00:27:51.99\00:27:55.12
They gained objectivity
in each difficult situation
00:27:56.57\00:28:01.49
by asking the question,
00:28:01.50\00:28:03.63
what is God trying to
teach me through this?
00:28:03.64\00:28:07.21
And in fact, if there is one--
00:28:08.73\00:28:10.12
if just one thing you
take from this seminar,
00:28:10.13\00:28:12.83
take this question with you.
00:28:12.84\00:28:16.13
When things get
rough, ask yourself,
00:28:16.14\00:28:19.15
what is God trying to
teach me through this?
00:28:19.16\00:28:22.98
You immediately
become objective.
00:28:22.99\00:28:25.49
The men saw that
they consistently
00:28:27.22\00:28:29.40
underestimated the
impact they had in the marriage.
00:28:29.41\00:28:33.79
And this was
something we had to repeat
00:28:33.80\00:28:36.10
week by week,
over and over again.
00:28:36.11\00:28:39.93
You are underestimating
the impact you have
00:28:39.94\00:28:42.56
on your wife of the family.
00:28:42.57\00:28:44.11
Eventually they
saw that their wife
00:28:45.97\00:28:47.65
was not the enemy but
their God given helper.
00:28:47.66\00:28:52.25
Slowly the men as a
group became humble.
00:28:54.19\00:28:57.47
In stead of the volatile, angry,
00:28:58.40\00:29:01.19
tense group, that
went on week after week,
00:29:01.20\00:29:04.37
the man began to
realize their hopeless,
00:29:04.38\00:29:07.76
helpless condition that
they needed a hard change.
00:29:07.77\00:29:12.72
They needed a supernatural work
00:29:12.73\00:29:15.04
in their lives
that would come only by
00:29:15.05\00:29:17.62
a surrender to the will of God.
00:29:17.63\00:29:21.13
They had to die to self.
00:29:21.14\00:29:23.87
Mount of
Blessing, page 16 tells us,
00:29:26.37\00:29:29.17
"It is love of
self" love of what?
00:29:29.18\00:29:33.53
"Love of self that
destroys our peace.
00:29:33.54\00:29:36.98
While self is all alive,
00:29:36.99\00:29:39.02
we stand ready
continually to guard it
00:29:39.03\00:29:41.75
from mortification and
insult but when we are dead,
00:29:41.76\00:29:45.97
and our life is
hid with Christ in God,
00:29:45.98\00:29:48.58
we shall not take
neglects or slights to heart.
00:29:48.59\00:29:52.08
We shall be deaf to reproach
00:29:52.09\00:29:54.89
and blind to scorn and insult."
00:29:54.90\00:29:57.66
Wouldn't that be tremendous?
00:29:57.67\00:29:59.15
I remember being
told as a young man
00:30:00.37\00:30:03.60
that we need to
guard a man's ego.
00:30:03.61\00:30:06.47
What is the word
ego mean in Greek?
00:30:06.48\00:30:09.09
Means self, that if the ego is
00:30:10.10\00:30:12.57
real fragile we need to
be careful with a man's ego.
00:30:12.58\00:30:15.68
Is that true?
00:30:15.69\00:30:16.69
In reality the ego
needs to be crucified,
00:30:18.30\00:30:22.92
self should be crucified.
00:30:22.93\00:30:25.22
So towards the end
of these three years
00:30:25.23\00:30:28.33
the group became
like a prayer meeting
00:30:28.34\00:30:31.28
with personal testimonies of how
00:30:31.29\00:30:33.48
victories through
Christ were occurring.
00:30:33.49\00:30:37.54
Daily Bible study was occurring.
00:30:37.55\00:30:39.89
They accepted Christ
death as their death.
00:30:39.90\00:30:43.50
They daily began to
rise to newness of life
00:30:43.51\00:30:48.13
because Christ was
resurrected to newness of life.
00:30:48.14\00:30:52.22
The overall principle of
the ministry was dying to self.
00:30:54.18\00:30:58.76
We had a group of man
00:30:58.77\00:31:00.18
who did not
understand how to die to self.
00:31:00.19\00:31:04.30
Many times they
would be volatile
00:31:04.31\00:31:06.44
in order to
counteract this we had them
00:31:07.47\00:31:10.15
direct questions
to the leaders only.
00:31:10.16\00:31:12.35
Ultimately the
groups became a living
00:31:14.10\00:31:16.02
demonstration of God's power
00:31:16.03\00:31:18.63
and what happens in a family,
00:31:18.64\00:31:20.92
when the man humble themselves
00:31:20.93\00:31:22.90
confess his sins
and cries out to God.
00:31:22.91\00:31:27.69
Now remember we did
not correct the women.
00:31:27.70\00:31:31.23
We wanted the man to see
00:31:31.24\00:31:33.78
what power they had
in their own families.
00:31:33.79\00:31:36.51
I would like to go
back and review now
00:31:38.66\00:31:41.39
the couples that
we-- the examples
00:31:41.40\00:31:44.41
that we gave you
at the beginning.
00:31:44.42\00:31:46.07
If you remember
example number one,
00:31:46.08\00:31:47.80
the husband grew
up in an abuse of home
00:31:47.81\00:31:51.01
childhood and
his father was very
00:31:51.02\00:31:53.04
abusive verbally and physically,
00:31:53.05\00:31:55.33
he joined the
marines as man's man.
00:31:55.34\00:31:57.60
About two and a half years
00:31:57.61\00:31:58.87
into the program,
his wife was discouraged.
00:31:58.88\00:32:01.26
Challenged about
bitterness toward his father,
00:32:02.93\00:32:05.37
he said I'm not bitter.
00:32:05.38\00:32:07.54
By this time, he had learned
00:32:07.55\00:32:08.88
by watching other men's wives
00:32:08.89\00:32:10.96
that wives do have something
valuable to contribute.
00:32:10.97\00:32:15.02
She agreed he was bitter.
00:32:15.03\00:32:17.42
Realizing that his
relationship to his father
00:32:17.43\00:32:19.64
was presenting him
from bonding with his wife
00:32:19.65\00:32:23.41
and under encouragement he
wrote a letter to his father,
00:32:23.42\00:32:27.95
he'd never done that before.
00:32:27.96\00:32:30.16
And he listed several things
00:32:30.17\00:32:31.48
for which he was
thankful--thankful.
00:32:31.49\00:32:33.44
He was thankful for
his father's work ethic,
00:32:33.45\00:32:35.92
having taught him how to
be careful with his work,
00:32:35.93\00:32:39.09
and do things
properly and do them well.
00:32:39.10\00:32:42.11
He thanked just father
00:32:42.12\00:32:43.35
for his faithfulness
to his marriage vows.
00:32:43.36\00:32:45.12
He never had known of his father
00:32:45.13\00:32:47.08
to be looking at another woman
00:32:47.09\00:32:48.73
or for his
father to even wander.
00:32:48.74\00:32:51.32
He learned from his
father the importance of money,
00:32:52.46\00:32:55.77
the value of money and
how hard it was to earn money.
00:32:55.78\00:32:59.35
He learned from his
father how to work hard,
00:32:59.36\00:33:04.60
and integrity, and honesty.
00:33:04.61\00:33:06.77
When his mother read the letter
00:33:09.60\00:33:10.74
to his father as
his father was ailing,
00:33:10.75\00:33:14.52
his father a grown man,
00:33:14.53\00:33:17.68
who had never shown any emotions
00:33:17.69\00:33:19.07
whatsoever just
broke down and wept.
00:33:19.08\00:33:22.67
From that day
forward he was different.
00:33:24.97\00:33:28.63
We're talking
about this husband.
00:33:28.64\00:33:30.72
From that day
forward, from the time
00:33:30.73\00:33:32.05
that he send the
letter to his father,
00:33:32.06\00:33:34.07
and he got
feedback from his mother
00:33:34.08\00:33:35.92
about the
response of his father.
00:33:35.93\00:33:37.50
From that day
forward, he was different.
00:33:38.69\00:33:40.82
He was humble. He was gentle.
00:33:40.83\00:33:43.93
To this day, he has
the continence of an angel.
00:33:43.94\00:33:47.44
He has taken on
a leadership role.
00:33:48.71\00:33:51.30
And he has sat in many of
00:33:52.50\00:33:53.88
our groups with
us helping us out.
00:33:53.89\00:33:56.20
From an intense angry man
00:33:57.69\00:34:00.12
the change has
been just incredible.
00:34:00.13\00:34:03.05
Do you remember
husband number two?
00:34:04.98\00:34:06.95
This is the one
where he would rage.
00:34:08.05\00:34:12.42
He was a Sabbath school teacher
00:34:12.43\00:34:14.50
but he would trash
his home in fits of anger,
00:34:14.51\00:34:18.22
defensive,
never thought anything
00:34:18.23\00:34:22.35
in marriage should
be discussed publicly.
00:34:22.36\00:34:24.79
Well, he still teaches
the Sabbath school class
00:34:25.92\00:34:28.96
but now the emphasis is on
repentance and dying to self.
00:34:28.97\00:34:34.63
On what Christ has
done for you and me,
00:34:34.64\00:34:39.13
that are only hope is in Christ,
00:34:39.14\00:34:41.60
and that His death on the
cross is our death to self.
00:34:41.61\00:34:49.59
He and his wife are very happy.
00:34:50.79\00:34:53.12
He finally agreed
with scripture that he was
00:34:53.13\00:34:56.33
wretched, miserable,
poor, blind, and naked.
00:34:56.34\00:35:00.52
He has become humble.
00:35:00.53\00:35:02.98
An unexpected benefit
has been that his wife
00:35:02.99\00:35:05.37
no longer suffers
the incapacitating
00:35:05.38\00:35:07.51
symptoms of fibromyalgia.
00:35:07.52\00:35:09.43
He was previously in hiding
now he is very transparent
00:35:10.94\00:35:15.90
about how readily he
was living in the flesh
00:35:15.91\00:35:18.70
and the importance
of living in the spirit
00:35:18.71\00:35:20.45
by identifying with Christ,
00:35:20.46\00:35:23.23
he could claim Christ
death as his own death to self.
00:35:23.24\00:35:28.23
He is a transformed man.
00:35:29.84\00:35:33.41
Remember, the
husband number three
00:35:33.42\00:35:35.16
was the physician
and his wife who traveled
00:35:35.17\00:35:37.31
several hours
and he was irritable,
00:35:37.32\00:35:42.38
critical, unhappy, demeaning,
grumpy, sour, exacting.
00:35:42.39\00:35:47.45
Well, he began to
take person responsibility
00:35:48.64\00:35:51.15
for his words,
thoughts, actions,
00:35:51.16\00:35:55.40
attitudes, and motives.
00:35:55.41\00:35:58.68
He began to agree with Christ,
00:35:58.69\00:36:00.77
that he was
underestimating his impact
00:36:00.78\00:36:03.28
as leader on his
home by is bad attitudes.
00:36:03.29\00:36:07.48
He allowed his
wife to be his helper
00:36:07.49\00:36:10.11
accepting her pointed
insight and allowing God
00:36:10.12\00:36:13.49
to do a
supernatural work on his heart.
00:36:13.50\00:36:16.21
This meant spending
time daily in scripture.
00:36:17.61\00:36:21.36
He realized he could
not do in his own strength.
00:36:21.37\00:36:23.93
We recently saw
them at camp meeting.
00:36:24.93\00:36:27.35
Tears came to his
eyes when he learned
00:36:27.36\00:36:29.99
that his daughter had
made a very insightful
00:36:30.00\00:36:33.04
remark to her
newly-wed pastor husband.
00:36:33.05\00:36:37.10
The daughter's
husband was wondering,
00:36:37.11\00:36:39.18
if this problem put too
much blame on the husband--
00:36:39.19\00:36:42.92
put too much
blame on the husband.
00:36:42.93\00:36:44.87
She made the comment to him,
00:36:44.88\00:36:47.16
"You have to admit the
change in my parents' marriage
00:36:47.17\00:36:52.01
is nothing short of a miracle"
00:36:52.02\00:36:55.32
and as we share
that, she'd never shared
00:36:55.33\00:36:57.10
that with her
father, he just teared up
00:36:57.11\00:37:00.40
and he is a changed man.
00:37:01.60\00:37:03.34
What happened to
the pastor couple
00:37:04.84\00:37:07.05
whose husband--
whose husband's leadership
00:37:07.06\00:37:11.29
was so self-righteous,
whose wife did not
00:37:11.30\00:37:14.34
want to return home with him?
00:37:14.35\00:37:17.07
After listening to
the classes for some time,
00:37:17.08\00:37:19.68
he became convicted strongly
00:37:20.82\00:37:22.41
that he was not
letting his wife be his helper,
00:37:22.42\00:37:26.49
he was fighting the Holy Spirit.
00:37:26.50\00:37:29.12
He was struck by the fact that
00:37:29.13\00:37:30.52
even he was wretched, miserable,
00:37:30.53\00:37:34.55
poor, blind, and naked.
00:37:34.56\00:37:37.33
The blinders came off and he had
00:37:37.34\00:37:41.23
a deeply repentant
attitude toward his wife.
00:37:41.24\00:37:45.41
He realized, he had not
understood her heart at all.
00:37:45.42\00:37:49.32
He began to allow
her to be his helper
00:37:49.33\00:37:52.00
as God would have it.
00:37:52.01\00:37:54.19
His attitude of a
learner became profound.
00:37:54.20\00:37:59.51
She blossomed.
00:37:59.52\00:38:01.77
By taking her
counsel she helped him
00:38:01.78\00:38:03.85
by the power of the Holy Spirit
00:38:03.86\00:38:06.19
to see self alive, where
he had not seen it before.
00:38:06.20\00:38:12.36
They have become a
team and as result of
00:38:12.37\00:38:14.60
death to self have been
able to help many others.
00:38:14.61\00:38:19.27
I'm going to
read you a testimony
00:38:20.91\00:38:24.05
from another group member,
00:38:24.06\00:38:26.68
this was--he typed this
out about four years ago
00:38:26.72\00:38:32.26
and I think you'll enjoy it.
00:38:34.78\00:38:37.74
"I had been enjoying what many
at called a blessed it life.
00:38:40.86\00:38:45.88
I was married had
two healthy children
00:38:45.89\00:38:49.10
a boy and girl, and
a successful business.
00:38:49.11\00:38:54.30
Everything appeared
to be going just great.
00:38:54.31\00:38:57.55
Suddenly cracks begin to develop
00:38:57.56\00:38:59.37
in my seemingly
peaceful existence.
00:38:59.38\00:39:02.93
At work a discontented employee
00:39:02.94\00:39:04.82
had been
convincing the other employees
00:39:04.83\00:39:09.04
that if he were in charge
things would be a lot better.
00:39:09.05\00:39:11.88
He spoke of a four
day work week, more pay,
00:39:13.02\00:39:16.68
better benefits, improved
00:39:16.69\00:39:18.52
working
conditions, and more vacation.
00:39:18.53\00:39:21.50
The fact that he
didn't explain just how
00:39:21.51\00:39:23.75
he was going to
accomplish all this
00:39:23.76\00:39:25.73
didn't seem to affect his
impact on the other employees.
00:39:25.74\00:39:29.89
I walked in one
day to what I felt
00:39:31.09\00:39:34.43
was a mutiny in the ranks.
00:39:34.44\00:39:37.26
I suddenly found
myself in the situation
00:39:37.27\00:39:39.44
that I had not foreseen
00:39:39.45\00:39:41.43
and didn't really know
how to handle properly.
00:39:41.44\00:39:44.23
At about the same
time a similar event
00:39:45.88\00:39:49.38
was occurring in my
home, without me being aware
00:39:49.39\00:39:53.25
that anyone-- that anything
00:39:53.26\00:39:55.79
was significantly
different than usual,
00:39:55.80\00:39:59.53
my wife began to explain to me
00:39:59.54\00:40:01.65
that if things didn't
change in our relationship,
00:40:01.66\00:40:05.49
she felt she couldn't stay
00:40:05.50\00:40:07.26
in a relationship
with me any longer.
00:40:07.27\00:40:10.65
This came as an
amazing shock to me.
00:40:10.66\00:40:14.39
Suddenly I was
aced with situations
00:40:14.40\00:40:16.27
both at work and at home
00:40:16.28\00:40:19.50
that I had failed to be aware of
00:40:19.51\00:40:21.27
and was not
equipped to deal with.
00:40:21.28\00:40:24.64
With hindsight-- in
hindsight, these events
00:40:24.65\00:40:28.53
represent to me
God's faithfulness.
00:40:28.54\00:40:32.18
However at that
time it just looked like
00:40:32.19\00:40:34.19
everything was falling apart.
00:40:34.20\00:40:36.46
I didn't realize
that I was actually taking
00:40:36.47\00:40:38.61
the first steps on a journey
00:40:38.62\00:40:39.94
that would give me
the answer to my questions
00:40:39.95\00:40:41.85
and the answers
to some much more.
00:40:41.86\00:40:45.47
Like many wives before her,
00:40:45.48\00:40:47.49
mine suggested
that we see a counselor.
00:40:47.50\00:40:50.28
I didn't have much
faith in marriage counselors
00:40:50.29\00:40:52.93
but she insisted, so I agreed.
00:40:52.94\00:40:56.25
After a couple of
visits, we both agreed
00:40:56.26\00:40:58.18
that we were not
finding the solutions
00:40:58.19\00:40:59.95
that we were looking for.
00:40:59.96\00:41:01.73
However one
pivotal event took place,
00:41:01.74\00:41:04.54
the counselor suggested
that I read a book by Ken Nair
00:41:04.55\00:41:07.84
entitled
Discovering the Mind of a Woman.
00:41:07.85\00:41:11.91
I didn't have much
confidence in books
00:41:11.92\00:41:13.59
about marriage either
but I agreed to purchase one.
00:41:13.60\00:41:17.42
You might be surprised
by my lack of confidence
00:41:17.43\00:41:19.76
in marriage counselors
and books about marriage,
00:41:19.77\00:41:22.67
this stemmed from
not knowing any marriage
00:41:22.68\00:41:25.20
that had significantly improved
00:41:25.21\00:41:26.81
from counseling or books.
00:41:26.82\00:41:28.78
In fact my wife and I
both found it difficult
00:41:28.79\00:41:31.32
to identify any
marriage we knew of personally
00:41:31.33\00:41:34.70
that clearly represented
to us God's plan for marriage.
00:41:34.71\00:41:38.49
We believe that earthy marriage
00:41:38.50\00:41:40.06
is supposed to hold,
to model the relationship
00:41:40.07\00:41:43.98
between Christ and
his bride the church.
00:41:43.99\00:41:48.78
In 1986, I was a
single man serving
00:41:48.79\00:41:51.27
in a large international
missionary organization.
00:41:51.28\00:41:54.90
When word got around the center
00:41:54.91\00:41:56.31
that I was
engaged to be married,
00:41:56.32\00:41:58.64
a group of married Christian men
00:41:58.65\00:42:00.77
serving as full
time missionaries
00:42:00.78\00:42:02.71
gathered around me
to offer their advice.
00:42:02.72\00:42:05.68
One man spoke up and said,
00:42:05.69\00:42:08.24
"No reason you should
be happy none of us are."
00:42:08.25\00:42:12.50
The statement was followed
by a lot of hearty laughter
00:42:12.51\00:42:15.21
on the part of the
experienced married man.
00:42:15.22\00:42:18.56
Was this God's
plan for marriage?
00:42:18.57\00:42:21.34
Little did I know that
Ken's book was not only
00:42:21.35\00:42:23.98
going to change
my idea of marriage
00:42:23.99\00:42:26.31
and my opinion of
books about marriage
00:42:26.32\00:42:29.07
and marriage counselors,
but that it was ultimately
00:42:29.08\00:42:32.23
going to significantly
change my understanding
00:42:32.24\00:42:35.10
what it means to
be a Christian man,
00:42:35.11\00:42:37.87
husband, and a father.
00:42:37.88\00:42:40.39
Like many married
men I blamed by wife
00:42:40.40\00:42:43.35
for most of the
problems in our relationship.
00:42:43.36\00:42:45.93
I thought that if
she would just get her
00:42:45.94\00:42:47.52
act together everything
would work itself out,
00:42:47.53\00:42:50.50
after all I considered
myself a pretty good husband,
00:42:50.51\00:42:54.02
I had been a good provider
and physically faithful.
00:42:54.03\00:42:57.89
Logically I concluded that since
00:42:57.90\00:42:59.61
I was doing a pretty good job,
00:42:59.62\00:43:01.51
the problem must lie with her.
00:43:01.52\00:43:03.43
Despite my mind set I
began to read Ken's book
00:43:08.18\00:43:10.92
but not really
expecting to learn much.
00:43:10.93\00:43:13.58
I couldn't have been more wrong.
00:43:13.59\00:43:15.08
From the very first chapter
00:43:15.09\00:43:16.30
Ken began to layout
an explanation of why I
00:43:16.31\00:43:19.56
as the spiritual
head of my household
00:43:19.57\00:43:21.55
was responsible
that went on my home.
00:43:21.56\00:43:25.23
Therefore any problem in my home
00:43:25.24\00:43:27.70
was evidence that I
was failing to provide
00:43:27.71\00:43:29.45
the kind of godly
leadership that was needed.
00:43:29.46\00:43:32.31
From the very first sentences,
00:43:32.32\00:43:33.86
I began to realize that I
was the problem and not my wife.
00:43:33.87\00:43:38.43
And I was failing in the role of
00:43:38.44\00:43:39.84
spiritual leader in my home."
00:43:39.85\00:43:43.54
And it goes on, he says,
00:43:43.55\00:43:48.55
"Let's return for a moment
00:43:48.56\00:43:49.89
to the large
group of Christian men
00:43:49.90\00:43:52.40
from diverse denominational
00:43:52.41\00:43:53.64
backgrounds I spoke of before.
00:43:53.65\00:43:55.75
If you were to ask them
00:43:55.76\00:43:56.81
if they really
understood their wives,
00:43:56.82\00:43:58.32
what do you think
the response would be?
00:43:58.33\00:44:00.56
Most likely you
would be met with
00:44:00.57\00:44:02.03
the universal male
belief that it is impossible
00:44:02.04\00:44:04.44
for men to understand women.
00:44:04.45\00:44:06.57
Yet the scripture
commands me is husband
00:44:06.58\00:44:08.71
to live with my wife
in understanding way.
00:44:08.72\00:44:12.77
If I wanted to
be obedient to God
00:44:12.78\00:44:14.25
I was going to have to learn
00:44:14.26\00:44:15.50
how to genuinely
understand my wife."
00:44:15.51\00:44:20.72
And he went to the seminar.
00:44:20.73\00:44:22.46
He went to the
three year groups.
00:44:22.47\00:44:28.61
"I spend a lot
of time on learning
00:44:28.62\00:44:30.47
destructive
behavior that first year.
00:44:30.48\00:44:33.03
The process of learning to have
00:44:33.04\00:44:34.24
the attitude of Christ
in my home for me started
00:44:34.25\00:44:36.48
not with bringing
healing to my family
00:44:36.49\00:44:38.76
but with putting an end
to destructive behavior.
00:44:38.77\00:44:41.74
The most obvious
need for change in my life
00:44:41.75\00:44:43.86
is the need to stop conveying
00:44:43.87\00:44:45.12
critical or
condemning attitudes,
00:44:45.13\00:44:47.84
that I could be critical
or condemning in my attitude
00:44:47.85\00:44:50.82
with something I
was not even aware of."
00:44:50.83\00:44:54.31
And that shocked the women
00:44:54.32\00:44:55.38
that their husbands
could be doing things
00:44:55.39\00:44:57.35
unchristlike that they
were not even aware of.
00:44:57.36\00:45:01.47
"What I needed to learn was
00:45:01.48\00:45:02.68
that critical and condemning
attitudes can be conveyed
00:45:02.69\00:45:05.50
both with verbal and
nonverbal communication.
00:45:05.51\00:45:09.07
It was amazing to me
that as I became aware of
00:45:09.08\00:45:11.40
how I could condemn or
criticize with my words
00:45:11.41\00:45:14.52
how often I
caught myself doing so."
00:45:14.53\00:45:18.57
And he learned how
to communicate properly
00:45:18.58\00:45:22.22
verbally and nonverbally.
00:45:22.23\00:45:25.30
He said, "By helping me to see
00:45:25.31\00:45:26.90
my own need before
God my critical attitude
00:45:26.91\00:45:29.19
toward others is fading in way.
00:45:29.20\00:45:30.98
It is become--
becoming much easier
00:45:30.99\00:45:33.59
to extend grace and
mercy towards others
00:45:33.60\00:45:35.98
as I recognize my own
00:45:35.99\00:45:37.40
desperate need for the savior."
00:45:37.41\00:45:41.84
He was-- for three years,
00:45:41.85\00:45:43.01
he lead one of our
groups as a leader.
00:45:43.02\00:45:48.12
Galatians 2 verse 20 tells us,
00:45:48.13\00:45:51.06
"I am crucified with
Christ, nevertheless I live,
00:45:51.07\00:45:55.87
yet not I, but
Christ liveth in me,
00:45:55.88\00:45:59.96
and the life which I
now live in the flesh I live
00:45:59.97\00:46:03.72
by the faith of the Son of God,
00:46:03.73\00:46:06.41
who loved me, and
gave himself for me."
00:46:06.42\00:46:10.61
This means that
I live by the faith
00:46:10.62\00:46:12.27
of the Son of God,
the faith of Jesus.
00:46:12.28\00:46:16.22
How is that accomplished?
00:46:16.23\00:46:18.57
It is done by
identification with Christ.
00:46:18.58\00:46:22.81
Philippians Chapter
2 verses 5 through 8,
00:46:22.82\00:46:26.88
tells us, "Let
this mind be in you,
00:46:26.89\00:46:30.44
which was also in Christ Jesus.
00:46:30.45\00:46:33.02
Who, being in the form of God,
00:46:33.03\00:46:35.08
thought it not
robbery to be equal with God;
00:46:35.09\00:46:38.53
but made himself
of no reputation,
00:46:38.54\00:46:41.70
and took upon him
the form of a servant,
00:46:41.71\00:46:44.36
and was made in
the likeness of men.
00:46:44.37\00:46:47.25
And being found
in fashion as a man,
00:46:47.26\00:46:50.12
he humbled himself, and
became obedient unto death,
00:46:50.13\00:46:53.97
even the death of the cross."
00:46:53.98\00:46:56.46
And this is the identification
00:46:56.47\00:46:57.89
we're talking about with Christ.
00:46:57.90\00:46:59.96
Let this mind be in you,
00:46:59.97\00:47:01.29
which was also in Christ Jesus
to have the mind of Christ.
00:47:01.30\00:47:06.11
Review and Herald July
7, 1904 has a whole chapter,
00:47:06.12\00:47:11.40
whole article on
genuine conversion.
00:47:11.41\00:47:15.22
She says "Man
cannot transform himself
00:47:15.23\00:47:17.93
by the exercise of his will."
00:47:17.94\00:47:19.65
We can't exercise will
and transform ourselves.
00:47:19.66\00:47:22.75
"He possesses no power
00:47:22.76\00:47:23.92
by which this
change may be effected.
00:47:23.93\00:47:27.00
The renewing
energy must come from God.
00:47:27.01\00:47:30.00
The change can be made
only by the Holy Spirit.
00:47:30.01\00:47:32.77
He who would be saved,
high or low, rich or poor,
00:47:32.78\00:47:36.63
must submit to the
working of this power."
00:47:36.64\00:47:40.02
So it can only be
made by the Holy Spirit.
00:47:40.03\00:47:43.00
We can't do by willing it.
00:47:43.01\00:47:45.45
And then in that
same-- in that same article
00:47:45.46\00:47:49.03
on conversion she goes on,
00:47:49.04\00:47:51.05
"As the leaven, when
mingled with the meal,
00:47:51.06\00:47:53.15
works from within outward,
00:47:53.16\00:47:55.14
so it is by the
renewing of the heart
00:47:55.15\00:47:57.19
that the grace of God
works to transform the life.
00:47:57.20\00:48:00.81
No mere external
change is sufficient
00:48:00.82\00:48:02.74
to bring us into
harmony with God.
00:48:02.75\00:48:05.94
There are many who try to reform
00:48:05.95\00:48:07.56
by correcting this bad
habit or that bad habit,
00:48:07.57\00:48:10.71
and they hope in this
way to become Christians,
00:48:10.72\00:48:13.12
but they are
beginning in the wrong place.
00:48:13.13\00:48:16.24
Our first work
is with the heart."
00:48:16.25\00:48:18.99
And this is what we've been
00:48:19.00\00:48:19.99
talking about is the heart work.
00:48:20.00\00:48:22.62
"The leaven of
truth works secretly,
00:48:22.63\00:48:24.18
silently, steadily
to transform the soul.
00:48:24.19\00:48:27.46
The natural inclinations
are softened and subdued.
00:48:27.47\00:48:30.76
New thoughts, new feelings,
new motives, are implanted.
00:48:30.77\00:48:36.68
A new standard of character
is set up, the life of Christ.
00:48:36.69\00:48:41.47
The mind is changed.
00:48:41.48\00:48:44.43
The faculties are
aroused to action in new lines.
00:48:44.44\00:48:48.19
Man is not endowed
with new faculties,
00:48:48.20\00:48:50.72
but the faculties
he has are sanctified.
00:48:50.73\00:48:53.51
The conscience is awakened."
00:48:53.52\00:48:56.08
In 7 Bible
Commentary 959 and 960
00:49:00.28\00:49:03.16
it describes a
very important dimension
00:49:03.17\00:49:08.13
and we have-- we
don't have much time
00:49:08.14\00:49:09.44
to really delve into it.
00:49:09.45\00:49:11.35
But she describes here
00:49:11.36\00:49:12.91
after she has gone and quoted,
00:49:12.92\00:49:15.44
"Remember therefore how
thou hast received and heard,
00:49:15.45\00:49:17.73
and hold fast, and repent"
00:49:17.74\00:49:19.27
and she describes with
that means to hold fast
00:49:19.28\00:49:21.89
and then she asked and
repent and I'd encourage you
00:49:21.90\00:49:24.88
to look that up in 7
Bible Commentary 959 and 960,
00:49:24.89\00:49:28.33
but this is the
part that I wanted
00:49:28.34\00:49:29.61
especially for
us to contemplate.
00:49:29.62\00:49:32.71
It says "And
repent, the life we live
00:49:32.72\00:49:34.67
is to be one of continual,
00:49:34.68\00:49:36.49
continual
repentance and humility."
00:49:36.50\00:49:39.64
Not occasional, not
repentance once in a while
00:49:39.65\00:49:43.34
but continual
repentance and humility.
00:49:43.35\00:49:46.10
"We need to repent constantly,
00:49:46.11\00:49:48.08
that we may be
constantly victorious.
00:49:48.09\00:49:50.92
When we have true
humility, we have victory.
00:49:50.93\00:49:54.47
The enemy never can take
out of the hand of Christ,
00:49:54.48\00:49:56.98
the one who is simply
trusting in His promises.
00:49:56.99\00:50:00.47
If the soul is
trusting and working obediently,
00:50:00.48\00:50:03.92
the mind is susceptible
to divine impressions,
00:50:03.93\00:50:07.14
and the light of God shines in,
00:50:07.15\00:50:09.37
enlightening the understanding
00:50:09.38\00:50:11.57
what privileges we
have in Christ Jesus."
00:50:11.58\00:50:15.39
So, what was the
key that she says
00:50:15.40\00:50:17.05
that we have to
having constant victory,
00:50:17.06\00:50:20.88
the key she says
is that our life is
00:50:20.89\00:50:23.45
to be one of continual
repentance and humility.
00:50:23.46\00:50:26.00
We need to repent
constantly, repent constantly
00:50:26.01\00:50:29.47
that we may be
constantly victorious.
00:50:29.48\00:50:32.30
In Desire of Ages 664, it said
00:50:35.87\00:50:37.86
"If the disciples
believed this vital connection
00:50:37.87\00:50:40.39
between the Father and the Son,
00:50:40.40\00:50:42.18
their faith
would not forsake them
00:50:42.19\00:50:44.25
when they saw Christ's suffering
00:50:44.26\00:50:45.30
and death to save
a perishing world.
00:50:45.31\00:50:48.21
Christ was seeking to lead them
00:50:48.22\00:50:49.38
from their low condition
of faith to the experience
00:50:49.39\00:50:51.84
they might receive
if they truly realized
00:50:51.85\00:50:54.50
what He was, God in human flesh.
00:50:54.51\00:50:57.28
He desired them to see
00:50:57.29\00:50:58.33
that their faith
must lead up to God,
00:50:58.34\00:51:00.51
and be anchored there.
00:51:00.52\00:51:02.30
How earnestly and perseveringly
00:51:02.31\00:51:04.35
our compassionate
Savior sought to prepare
00:51:04.36\00:51:06.15
His disciples for
the storm of temptation
00:51:06.16\00:51:08.39
that was soon to beat upon them.
00:51:08.40\00:51:10.21
He would have them
hid with Him in God."
00:51:10.22\00:51:13.98
And I want close
with this last paragraph
00:51:13.99\00:51:17.21
from this
continually repentance again
00:51:17.22\00:51:19.44
"As we see souls out of Christ,
00:51:19.45\00:51:20.85
we are to put
ourselves in their place,
00:51:20.86\00:51:22.85
and in their behalf
feel repentance before God,
00:51:22.86\00:51:26.66
resting not until we
bring them to repentance.
00:51:26.67\00:51:29.29
If we do
everything we can for them,
00:51:29.30\00:51:30.91
and yet they do not repent,
the sin lies at their door,
00:51:30.92\00:51:35.33
but we are still to
feel sorrow of heart
00:51:35.34\00:51:37.70
because of their condition,
showing them how to repent,
00:51:37.71\00:51:41.09
and trying to lead them
step by step to Jesus Christ."
00:51:41.10\00:51:44.91
Let's close with the prayer.
00:51:47.63\00:51:49.38
Dear Father, thank you so much
00:51:49.39\00:51:50.60
for the privilege
we've had to be here.
00:51:50.61\00:51:52.67
Lord may we identify
soulfully with Christ,
00:51:52.68\00:51:56.10
that we may have His
thoughts, His feelings,
00:51:56.11\00:51:58.02
His actions, in
Jesus' precious name, amen.
00:51:58.03\00:52:00.43