Welcome to A
Multitude of Counselors.
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We're so glad you
came to our program today.
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We are dedicated to
helping us all better understand
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mental behavioral, emotional,
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psychological and
spiritual health issues,
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and to probe them
and to understand them
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and also to offer
viable practical solutions
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so that you can be
as healthy as possible.
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I want to introduce
my treatment team today,
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my illustrious team of
counselors and therapists.
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First we have David
Guerrero from Wisconsin,
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who runs a ministry
called Rekindle the Flame.
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It has such a amazing
tone to it, David, I love it.
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Praise Lord.
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And under that ministry
David carries a big tool box,
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he has pastoring
experience, he's a chaplain,
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he has learnt how
to do life coaching,
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he teaches life coaching,
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he's a biblically
certified counselor.
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And he's working on his
doctorate of naturopathy.
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He likes to work with couples
and families and do intensives
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and just, he just never stops.
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But he also makes
time for his own family.
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Yes, that's
important, priority number one.
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That's important,
amen. We also have Nivish.
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Dr. Nivish
Edwards from Tennessee.
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She's a virtual
private practice counselor.
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She also teaches for
Southern Adventist University
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and she loves to work
with people on relationships
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including
relationships with themselves
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and of all things she's a
single marriage counselor.
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But she apparently does
very well at it and, you know,
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it's not a it's
not a problem, huh.
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Not a problem.
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And so when, when it
does happen, if it does happen
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you're gonna be
fully equipped, right?
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I do believe. Yes.
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By God's grace. Awesome.
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So good to have you.
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So thankful to have
Dr. Jean Wright as well.
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Dr Jean is from Philadelphia
and he is the director
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of the Behavioral...
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Oh, wait I'm saying this wrong
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Behavioral Health
and Justice Department.
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Correct, yes.
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And the Behavioral Health
Department in Philadelphia.
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He also has a private
practice and he likes...
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He's has a book out
and he likes to work
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with community,
forgiveness and restoration so,
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our topic today will
factor right into that
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because we're gonna
be talking about anger.
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And I also have my
partner Rob Davidson.
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ROB is my co-host
and he also works with me
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at Abide Counseling Network,
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and Rob is an amazing
man with a lot of gifts,
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he is a private
practice counselor,
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he talks individuals,
he talks to couples,
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he talks to families.
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He likes to help men develop
servant leader capacities
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and capabilities and
develop biblical integrity,
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and biblical manhood.
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So that is so
important and so needed
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and we're so glad
you're here today as well.
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Thank you for coming and
we're gonna put our minds
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to task on this topic of anger.
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You know anger is a
big subject, isn't it?
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So let's define it first of all,
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a strong feeling of annoyance,
displeasure or hostility.
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Now, that isn't necessarily
a bad thing and I'm sure
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we're gonna talk about that
but it can become a bad thing
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and people can develop a habit
of acting out on their anger
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in such a way that it's
destructive to relationships
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and ultimately to themselves.
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There's quite a bit of
research about hostility levels
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and heart disease for instance
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and their hostility
levels are more telling
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and more impacting on
heart disease than things
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that we would think
would be more impacting like
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exercise and lifestyle.
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So hostility,
anger can be a problem.
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The diagnosis that's
in the diagnostic manual
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is intermittent
explosive disorder,
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but it's better
known as being a rage what,
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rageaholic and the prevalence
apparently is just over
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7% of people
could be diagnosed with
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intermittent explosive
disorder, that's prevalence.
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And the reason we don't
think it's that high is because
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most of that happens
what behind closed doors.
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That's right in the
privacy of people's homes often.
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The cause I would say
of having an anger problem
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would be genetics,
that cocktail of genetics
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and environment and I
can say this is true of me.
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I was raised by a
dad, got his genetics,
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he had a bit of intermittent
explosive disorder I think.
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And then I was raised in a home
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where I saw him
handle stress that way,
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and I adopted the thinking,
and I mimicked the behaviors,
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and I came into
adulthood, and then acted out
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and tended to explode such that
it was always with my husband
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we tend to do this with
the people we are closest to.
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And I remember
once, my husband's quiet
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and so he'd be
more passive aggressive
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but I being more
just plain aggressive
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and I exploded on him and
went to apologize to my daughter
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who witnessed the
event and she said,
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"Daddy had a short temper."
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And I couldn't figure
out why she was saying that
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she looked at me and said,
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"And you had a
long temper, mom."
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I'm serious.
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So I struggled through that,
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but I was able
by the grace of God
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to largely overcome
and I still have my moments
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but, not like I used to
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and God has really
done a work in my life.
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I just want to show up and
say, I'm as flawed as anyone.
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But I would say that
the cause is those genetics
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and environment and then
belief systems that we adopt.
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And I also want to look
at a diagram that is called,
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"Anger in the Brain"
that shows what happens
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on a neurological level
when we have an anger response.
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Sensory data
goes to the thalamus,
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which is part of
the limbic system,
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the emotional brain,
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the data is
sent to the amygdala,
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another part of
the emotional brain,
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the data is also
sent to the cortex.
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The amygdala does a
quick threat assessment
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and then often the
amygdala blocks slow thinking.
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And slow thinking is reasoned
rational sensible thinking.
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Once the amygdala
blocks that slow thinking,
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then we have the
unthinking response
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and that's what anger is,
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it's the kind of the anal
part of the brain reacting
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and that's what happens
on a neurological level.
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The prognosis as
always though is what?
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It's positive because
Jesus saves, and I could say,
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he saved me, and he
continues to save me
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on a day-to-day basis.
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The treatments include of course
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cognitive behavioral therapy.
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If someone has a
severe anger problem,
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some medications may
take the edge off of that.
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Overall good
nervous system health
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and care can help with that.
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And I would say that alcohol
and other narcotic substances
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can unnaturally
excite the nervous system
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so a simple healthy
lifestyle is paramount
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and I always encourage
people to learn deep breathing
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if they are going to
manage their anger responses.
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So a quick one way that
you can do deep breathing
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and just about every therapist
I know does some kind of
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deep breathing,
this is what I do,
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breath through a
straw or pretend straw,
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first exhale completely,
inhale to the count of ten,
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hold for six so that that
oxygen can get to the brain
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and then exhale
slowly through the straw
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like that to the count of 14.
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And I've heard some people say
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it helps to
relax all your muscles
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when you feel an anger
response including your posture,
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like just kind of slump
over, because you're less likely
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to get aggressive
when you're like this
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than if you're like
this, you know, so interesting
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but that deep breathing
definitely makes a difference.
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What do you guys do to
help people through anger
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or what have you
done to help yourself
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and what do you
do to help yourself?
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You know as you were
talking a Bible verse,
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a scripture came into
my mind and in this verse
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we can see the genius of God.
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This is what God gives to
us in the Book of Psalms 4:4,
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"Be angry, and do not sin."
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And now watch
what he tells us to do,
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"Meditate with your heart
on your bed and be still."
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Right.
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We come aside, go
somewhere else, we still...
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What is that being
meditate with your heart?
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Well... Sort of
examine your own...
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Yeah, examine your
heart, examine your emotions.
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There's an acronym that
I use in counseling RAC,
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recognize the emotion,
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admit what you've done
or what you're about to do
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and if you've done
something wrong to confess it.
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So if I'm gonna meditate right,
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I'm gonna come
aside and meditate.
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I'm gonna recognize
and acknowledge and admit
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what's was going
and the Bible says
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watch what happens
when I'm able to do that.
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I can come back after
I'm still and I can offer
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the sacrifices of righteousness
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and so that means I can
come back and do what's right.
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And listen to how
he finishes this verse,
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"And put your
trust in the Lord."
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Oftentimes when
I'm angry and I...
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And there's a burst
of anger and I engage
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in a negative
behavior is because
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I haven't put my trust in God.
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I put my trust in
myself, in my own ideas
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and the things
that I value and because
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that has become so important
to me or has become an idol.
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I tell you or to my expressions
I'm saying leave my idol alone,
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this is what I want,
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but if I can come
aside right and rest,
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be still and let
God talk to me...
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David, it sounds like...
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I can offer the
sacrifice of righteousness.
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Go ahead, brother.
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It sounds like
this wonderful process
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that you just
described is what we need to do
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when we're
starting to feel the anger
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because this slows us down.
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Yes, and that's
what she was saying.
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Yes, so that's a good process
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that you spell
out for the client.
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I like that Rob, I use...
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Acronyms are so helpful,
it helps clients remember
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and the one I use often is halt,
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H-A-L-T
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check to see if
you're reacting in anger.
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Are you hungry?
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Are you angry?
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Are you feeling lonely?
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Are you tired?
00:10:05.93\00:10:07.37
Usually, if you have
these things at play,
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either all four of them
or any of the combinations,
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there's something
that's triggering us
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and we have a reactive
response as a result of that.
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So it's not a great time
to do conflict resolution.
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Not at all.
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You got to take care of
the primary problem first.
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Absolutely.
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Like I did the other day
when I was getting hangry...
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Hangry.
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That's it, my
blood sugar is low.
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Absolutely. Yeah.
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Yes. Yeah, that's awesome.
00:10:29.82\00:10:31.56
I use halt too a lot.
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Acronyms are great
because you can think of them
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right in the moment and
you remember what to do,
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what steps to
take and a lot of times
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that's what it
comes down to for people
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is they have
this learned response
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and they've done it over
and over their whole life
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and to change that,
they have to have something
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that they can do instantly.
00:10:45.97\00:10:47.94
So, yeah, those
are really helpful.
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I use anger as a catalyst. Yeah.
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So, you know exercise
is one that works for me,
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I'm still prone to
the hungry and tired.
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So exercise is very helpful
00:11:00.99\00:11:02.32
but when I'm
working with a client,
00:11:02.36\00:11:03.69
I try to again
normalize the fact that
00:11:03.73\00:11:05.96
anger is just an
emotion like any other emotion.
00:11:05.99\00:11:08.63
It's what we do
when we're angry,
00:11:08.66\00:11:10.07
in fact as she relate
to rageaholic for instance,
00:11:10.10\00:11:13.44
and really looking
at the catalyst part,
00:11:13.47\00:11:15.74
it gives you
energy to do something
00:11:15.77\00:11:17.87
even if something like
grief and loss and referring to
00:11:17.91\00:11:20.14
Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross in writings
00:11:20.18\00:11:22.34
when she talks
about the phases of grief,
00:11:22.38\00:11:25.31
and so anger is
one of those phases,
00:11:25.35\00:11:27.38
and when you get to that
phase, it causes that person
00:11:27.42\00:11:30.15
to move towards something,
maybe to get a second opinion,
00:11:30.19\00:11:33.76
maybe is to recognize something
is going on in your life,
00:11:33.79\00:11:36.62
but that anger can be a catalyst
00:11:36.66\00:11:39.19
toward something positive.
00:11:39.23\00:11:40.80
And so putting that
with what your verse says,
00:11:40.83\00:11:43.13
you know, the
verse says, "Be angry"
00:11:43.16\00:11:45.57
and then it tells you
what to do after that,
00:11:45.60\00:11:48.20
it doesn't say don't be angry.
00:11:48.24\00:11:49.57
Don't be angry.
00:11:49.60\00:11:50.94
And so use your
anger as a catalyst
00:11:50.97\00:11:52.31
to move you
towards something positive.
00:11:52.34\00:11:53.78
I would love to
hear it how you do that
00:11:53.81\00:11:55.88
with your community, forgiveness
00:11:55.91\00:11:57.55
and restoration
stuff with the prison...
00:11:57.58\00:11:59.65
isn't that
happen in a big kind of
00:11:59.68\00:12:01.68
panoramic like macro way?
00:12:01.72\00:12:03.69
It is.
00:12:03.72\00:12:05.05
Yeah, and one of the things
that we talk about in terms
00:12:05.09\00:12:06.92
of that community,
forgiveness and restoration
00:12:06.96\00:12:09.82
is by allowing people to
go through stages and steps
00:12:09.86\00:12:12.49
to resolve their
conflict in their anger,
00:12:12.53\00:12:15.36
and so many of
them have, you know,
00:12:15.40\00:12:17.63
rightfully some challenges
from being incarcerated
00:12:17.67\00:12:20.14
for a long period of time,
how the guards treated them
00:12:20.17\00:12:22.77
how maybe family
has turned their back
00:12:22.80\00:12:24.37
and so they have
reasons to be angry.
00:12:24.41\00:12:26.61
But you do not have
an excuse to act out
00:12:26.64\00:12:28.44
and harm other people.
00:12:28.48\00:12:30.15
And so your anger,
your emotion is real
00:12:30.18\00:12:32.25
and it should be validated.
00:12:32.28\00:12:33.75
But it's what you
do when you're angry,
00:12:33.78\00:12:35.12
so we walk them
through the processes,
00:12:35.15\00:12:36.55
we do anger management classes
00:12:36.58\00:12:38.52
so that you're
not managing rage,
00:12:38.55\00:12:40.19
you're managing an
emotion called anger
00:12:40.22\00:12:42.02
and that's the key.
00:12:42.06\00:12:43.39
Isn't that why
though Martin Luther King
00:12:43.43\00:12:45.33
was so much more effective
than for instance, you know,
00:12:45.36\00:12:49.33
what's the other
guys like name...
00:12:49.36\00:12:50.70
Malcolm X, because
Malcolm X was in the anger
00:12:50.73\00:12:53.34
and acting on the anger
but Martin Luther King said,
00:12:53.37\00:12:55.34
"No, we have to
own our part of this
00:12:55.37\00:12:57.57
and we're gonna
strive for non-violence,
00:12:57.61\00:12:59.51
but we're gonna stand
on what we know to be true.
00:12:59.54\00:13:01.54
This is wrong and
we know it's wrong,
00:13:01.58\00:13:03.75
and we're gonna stand up
for what we know is right.
00:13:03.78\00:13:06.11
But we're gonna also own,
we're moral beings as well."
00:13:06.15\00:13:08.85
Is that why he was more
effective in the long run.
00:13:08.88\00:13:10.29
Yeah, I think Martin
Luther King and Gandhi
00:13:10.32\00:13:11.65
were more in line
with what Jesus Christ did
00:13:11.69\00:13:13.56
and what he, you know,
modeled for us and that is but,
00:13:13.59\00:13:17.46
you know, Christ
showed anger, you know.
00:13:17.49\00:13:19.39
There were times and
it was appropriate anger
00:13:19.43\00:13:21.33
and I really like how you...
00:13:21.36\00:13:23.33
How do you distinguish between
00:13:23.37\00:13:24.70
appropriate and
inappropriate anger?
00:13:24.73\00:13:26.53
The action, you know,
00:13:26.57\00:13:28.10
if you guys think
back to emotional,
00:13:28.14\00:13:29.90
rational emotive
therapy you remember that?
00:13:29.94\00:13:31.94
You know and looking
at how the, your thoughts
00:13:31.97\00:13:34.51
or beliefs trigger an action.
00:13:34.54\00:13:37.21
And then there's a consequence,
you know, the ABC, you know,
00:13:37.25\00:13:40.22
the antecedent,
beliefs, consequences.
00:13:40.25\00:13:42.65
And so if I can
structure my belief system
00:13:42.68\00:13:45.99
so that my action, you know,
00:13:46.02\00:13:48.72
reduces the level of consequence
00:13:48.76\00:13:50.96
being a negative one
like striking out on someone,
00:13:50.99\00:13:53.83
then I have
control over the anger,
00:13:53.86\00:13:55.50
it doesn't mean I don't feel it,
00:13:55.53\00:13:56.87
doesn't mean that it's not real.
00:13:56.90\00:13:58.23
It means that I have
control over the anger
00:13:58.27\00:13:59.63
so that my
responses are not harmful.
00:13:59.67\00:14:02.10
And you're saying
you can take the energy
00:14:02.14\00:14:04.01
because anger is,
there's a lot of energy there
00:14:04.04\00:14:06.37
and you can redirect
it into positive lines...
00:14:06.41\00:14:08.64
Absolutely.
00:14:08.68\00:14:10.01
Versus acting impulsively
and creating more distraction.
00:14:10.05\00:14:12.61
You know, look, I'm hearing
something here is powerful
00:14:12.65\00:14:14.48
and you guys can
help me out that anger.
00:14:14.52\00:14:17.29
Jesus was angry.
00:14:17.32\00:14:19.59
We read in
scripture of God's wrath.
00:14:19.62\00:14:22.92
Anger is a God given emotion...
00:14:22.96\00:14:25.36
Like any other emotion.
00:14:25.39\00:14:26.73
Right, to handle the
problem or the issue correctly,
00:14:26.76\00:14:31.73
affectively and righteously...
00:14:31.77\00:14:33.20
Yes. That's beautiful.
00:14:33.23\00:14:35.00
Isn't the primary emotion,
it's fear, pain or frustration?
00:14:35.04\00:14:39.61
Usually, there are soft
emotions underneath anger
00:14:39.64\00:14:42.04
usually, so what they
call anger a secondary emotion,
00:14:42.08\00:14:45.81
that's kind of how I feel it.
00:14:45.85\00:14:47.18
Yeah, definitely
encourage clients to check
00:14:47.22\00:14:48.65
what's going on underneath.
00:14:48.68\00:14:50.02
Yes.
00:14:50.05\00:14:51.39
The anger response is
definitely as you said
00:14:51.42\00:14:53.15
Jennifer, secondary.
00:14:53.19\00:14:54.52
But what's going on under
here that's really triggering
00:14:54.56\00:14:57.86
that anger emotion, because
it's what's going on under here
00:14:57.89\00:15:00.23
that's really have
happening... It triggered.
00:15:00.26\00:15:01.60
I reacted angrily
because I felt offended.
00:15:01.63\00:15:05.73
I reacted in anger
because my feelings were hurt,
00:15:05.77\00:15:09.60
because I was afraid,
because I felt belittled
00:15:09.64\00:15:12.77
what's really
going on under here,
00:15:12.81\00:15:14.38
and let's talk
about these things
00:15:14.41\00:15:15.88
and rectify these things.
00:15:15.91\00:15:17.25
Yes, this is the beginning stage
00:15:17.28\00:15:18.61
that a client needs to recognize
00:15:18.65\00:15:20.08
where is this anger coming from.
00:15:20.12\00:15:21.98
So we're talking about
as a secondary emotion here,
00:15:22.02\00:15:24.85
we're talking about
we, when our self-worth
00:15:24.89\00:15:27.36
is being stepped on,
it's not being met we're hurt,
00:15:27.39\00:15:31.26
and then that turns to anger.
00:15:31.29\00:15:32.89
So that's one way
that anger can come out
00:15:32.93\00:15:34.63
because of our
self-worth is not being met.
00:15:34.66\00:15:36.97
Another way is our
00:15:37.00\00:15:39.03
self-preservation
is not being met,
00:15:39.07\00:15:40.80
our needs are
basic needs in life
00:15:40.84\00:15:44.51
are not being met
00:15:44.54\00:15:45.87
and we can get angry about that.
00:15:45.91\00:15:47.71
In another way and
this is the way that Jesus
00:15:47.74\00:15:50.05
really responded
were self convictions.
00:15:50.08\00:15:55.02
He was convicted
about things very strongly
00:15:55.05\00:15:57.99
and would get angry about that.
00:15:58.02\00:15:59.79
So it's important for
the client to recognize
00:15:59.82\00:16:01.89
that there are
legitimate reasons
00:16:01.92\00:16:04.03
why we do get
angry, so let's start
00:16:04.06\00:16:06.09
with this awareness.
00:16:06.13\00:16:08.96
The reasons may be illegitimate
but sometimes the way
00:16:09.00\00:16:11.50
that anger is handled actually
makes us more irrational,
00:16:11.53\00:16:15.20
so we may have
started out in an okay place.
00:16:15.24\00:16:17.81
But what we did with that
ended up making it not okay,
00:16:17.84\00:16:20.94
and you now have
an additional problem.
00:16:20.98\00:16:23.51
Now, you've made it
a power struggle maybe
00:16:23.55\00:16:25.95
in a relationship, and
you know I understand that
00:16:25.98\00:16:28.18
they've done research and
then they initially thought
00:16:28.22\00:16:30.95
that people needed to
just simply release their anger
00:16:30.99\00:16:34.02
and what they found was that
00:16:34.06\00:16:35.56
when people would just release
their anger by expressing it.
00:16:35.59\00:16:38.49
Sometimes that would create
an additional problem again
00:16:38.53\00:16:41.26
and they would start to take,
00:16:41.30\00:16:42.76
it would start take
on a life of its own
00:16:42.80\00:16:45.07
and they would start
to develop characteristics
00:16:45.10\00:16:47.07
of an angry
person and that would be
00:16:47.10\00:16:48.94
their go to
expression of emotions,
00:16:48.97\00:16:51.11
rather than getting
to those root emotions
00:16:51.14\00:16:53.04
and dealing with those.
00:16:53.07\00:16:54.41
So I kind of, I'm
just wondering with
00:16:54.44\00:16:56.21
what kind of
therapy as we go through
00:16:56.24\00:16:57.81
our presenting problem,
maybe we could talk about
00:16:57.85\00:16:59.61
what we would do with
this guy to help him learn
00:16:59.65\00:17:02.35
how to properly
control his anger.
00:17:02.38\00:17:05.55
Okay, so Joseph Strong
is a very tall 53 year old
00:17:05.59\00:17:08.56
retired
policeman, Irish descent,
00:17:08.59\00:17:11.26
strides into the office,
your office and warmly says
00:17:11.29\00:17:13.83
hello in a deep bass voice.
00:17:13.86\00:17:16.06
He sits down in
the chair and begins
00:17:16.10\00:17:17.57
to explain his situation
immediately melting into tears
00:17:17.60\00:17:21.17
that continue to flow
for most of the session.
00:17:21.20\00:17:23.64
He explains that he
cannot control his temper
00:17:23.67\00:17:26.34
and then cannot shake
the feelings of despair
00:17:26.37\00:17:28.61
that linger after he explodes.
00:17:28.64\00:17:30.78
For instance he exploded
with a neighbor insulted his dog
00:17:30.81\00:17:34.25
but immediately
regretted losing his temper.
00:17:34.28\00:17:36.82
Now, he feels
deep shame and remorse
00:17:36.85\00:17:39.15
and wants to
learn anger management."
00:17:39.19\00:17:42.76
This is an actual
person and I just wanted
00:17:42.79\00:17:45.26
to get to the root of the anger
and I said to him, so you know,
00:17:45.29\00:17:49.23
"You were mad at him
for insulting your dog."
00:17:49.26\00:17:51.23
And he said, "Yeah" and I said,
00:17:51.27\00:17:53.67
"You know what was
it about that insult.
00:17:53.70\00:17:56.47
Did you need to
say something to him?"
00:17:56.50\00:17:57.87
And he said, "Yeah," and I said,
00:17:57.91\00:17:59.27
"What would
happen if you hadn't."
00:17:59.31\00:18:00.64
And he said, "Well, nothing."
00:18:00.68\00:18:05.88
Literally that's what he did.
00:18:05.91\00:18:07.42
And he realize that some
false beliefs were kind of
00:18:07.45\00:18:10.19
pushing him over that
threshold so what would you guys
00:18:10.22\00:18:12.39
do this with
this guy to help him?
00:18:12.42\00:18:14.72
You know my first
observation is that
00:18:14.76\00:18:18.89
this individual should be
00:18:18.93\00:18:23.87
thanked for coming
because he's recognizing
00:18:23.90\00:18:27.47
that he has a problem,
he's going to get help.
00:18:27.50\00:18:30.81
And so he has
taken a big first step.
00:18:30.84\00:18:34.24
That's right.
00:18:34.28\00:18:35.61
That he's
recognized he has a problem
00:18:35.64\00:18:37.31
and he needs some help.
00:18:37.35\00:18:38.68
That's great that's, I love it.
00:18:38.71\00:18:40.05
Don't you love
it when people come
00:18:40.08\00:18:41.42
and they're just
like, I have a problem
00:18:41.45\00:18:42.78
instead of you having to
like try to ways to persuade.
00:18:42.82\00:18:45.35
No, I'm not angry.
00:18:45.39\00:18:48.29
But there's a hole in the door
over there that you punched.
00:18:48.32\00:18:51.83
So what do you
do to help this guy?
00:18:51.86\00:18:53.73
Last area that you
read Rob, you said now,
00:18:53.76\00:18:55.83
now this guy Joseph
feels deep shame and remorse
00:18:55.86\00:18:59.23
and wants to
learn anger management.
00:18:59.27\00:19:01.60
That's pretty awesome.
00:19:01.64\00:19:03.00
One of things I
don't think we touched on
00:19:03.04\00:19:04.61
is anger sometimes
is expressed silently.
00:19:04.64\00:19:07.64
We turn inward...
00:19:07.68\00:19:09.64
And inward becomes depression.
00:19:09.68\00:19:11.01
And it sounded like some of
this may be going on with him,
00:19:11.05\00:19:13.28
so wonderful that he came
and it's important to realize
00:19:13.31\00:19:15.62
that we can talk
about what's going on.
00:19:15.65\00:19:18.72
What is triggering the anger,
00:19:18.75\00:19:20.36
what has caused us to feel angry
00:19:20.39\00:19:22.29
because that's
where the healing begins,
00:19:22.32\00:19:23.83
that's where the
turning around happens
00:19:23.86\00:19:27.03
because if we turn it inward,
00:19:27.06\00:19:28.56
then that leads to other issues.
00:19:28.60\00:19:30.07
Like such as...
00:19:30.10\00:19:31.43
Anger turn inward
becomes depression.
00:19:31.47\00:19:34.04
Depression or sometimes
when we stuff it for so long,
00:19:34.07\00:19:37.61
it can come out in an explosion.
00:19:37.64\00:19:39.37
Absolutely.
00:19:39.41\00:19:40.74
To people who have
nothing to do with your anger.
00:19:40.78\00:19:43.04
Yeah. They transfer that stuff.
00:19:43.08\00:19:44.88
It's called displaced anger.
00:19:44.91\00:19:47.38
Boss yells at you, you come home
00:19:47.42\00:19:48.75
yell at your wife
00:19:48.78\00:19:50.72
and then the wife
kicks the dog, you know,
00:19:50.75\00:19:52.22
it just keeps
going, it's terrible.
00:19:52.25\00:19:53.99
Where there is
passive aggressive anger
00:19:54.02\00:19:56.39
which is another way of...
00:19:56.42\00:19:57.76
It's not a functional way
00:19:57.79\00:19:59.66
but it is a way
that people to go to.
00:19:59.69\00:20:02.33
One thing I use, Jennifer,
is I encourage the client
00:20:02.36\00:20:05.23
to have an anger
journal, and I have one here
00:20:05.27\00:20:08.70
and just taking
them to do some steps
00:20:08.74\00:20:11.14
and I'll be real quick here.
00:20:11.17\00:20:12.74
And the first
thing is to do is that
00:20:12.77\00:20:14.94
when they're becoming
angry what are the circumstances
00:20:14.98\00:20:17.51
that led that
individual to become angry
00:20:17.55\00:20:21.08
and then what
triggered that anger
00:20:21.12\00:20:23.15
and what was it
that I wasn't getting...
00:20:23.18\00:20:26.32
Usually a need
isn't met somehow.
00:20:26.35\00:20:28.22
That I was needing, and
then what is the feeling
00:20:28.26\00:20:32.33
besides anger that I
feel fear, was I threatened
00:20:32.36\00:20:36.77
that I feel
worthless or unloved or hurt.
00:20:36.80\00:20:41.10
And who was I
protecting with my anger
00:20:41.14\00:20:44.41
and then write down
how did I express it.
00:20:44.44\00:20:46.78
What type of
person was this individual
00:20:46.81\00:20:49.98
that I was with,
00:20:50.01\00:20:52.78
and then write down
how successful they were
00:20:52.81\00:20:54.88
in dealing with anger, so
that every time they come back,
00:20:54.92\00:20:57.65
we kind of look at circumstances
00:20:57.69\00:20:59.02
what's going on and
move them towards...
00:20:59.05\00:21:01.62
Just basically a log,
keep track of your explosions
00:21:01.66\00:21:04.49
and let's examine them
when we're quiet and calm.
00:21:04.53\00:21:07.40
Yeah, I would imagine
that as they keep their journal
00:21:07.43\00:21:09.93
and as you're helping
them with anger management.
00:21:09.96\00:21:12.57
They will see
that in the beginning
00:21:12.60\00:21:14.44
it didn't turn out
well at all but as time goes
00:21:14.47\00:21:16.91
by a little bit of improvement
00:21:16.94\00:21:18.44
because they're
putting into action
00:21:18.47\00:21:20.24
which you're
helping them to learn.
00:21:20.28\00:21:21.61
Yeah, and some things
that I asked them to do is
00:21:21.64\00:21:22.98
to recognize the anger
signs, ask God for help.
00:21:23.01\00:21:27.85
Be still and meditate
00:21:27.88\00:21:29.22
that they go to
the process to between.
00:21:29.25\00:21:30.62
And everything
you're doing with them
00:21:30.65\00:21:31.99
is forebrain stuff,
00:21:32.02\00:21:33.39
is self reflection
is forebrain engagement,
00:21:33.42\00:21:36.46
and so when you're
engaging them, you know,
00:21:36.49\00:21:39.76
in the session and
reviewing this anger episodes,
00:21:39.79\00:21:43.26
their forebrain is gonna
be more likely to show up
00:21:43.30\00:21:46.03
during the next anger
episode so it's got to sort of
00:21:46.07\00:21:48.54
acclimate them to
being able to think
00:21:48.57\00:21:50.64
when they're in this situation
00:21:50.67\00:21:52.27
where they normally don't think,
00:21:52.31\00:21:53.78
you know, so that's brilliant.
00:21:53.81\00:21:55.28
I think that's really excellent.
00:21:55.31\00:21:56.64
Does anybody
ever say just drop it?
00:21:56.68\00:21:59.01
Oh, I take that.
00:21:59.05\00:22:00.42
Drop it on who?
00:22:00.45\00:22:02.88
Actually, actually sometimes
00:22:02.92\00:22:04.65
there is a
little place for that.
00:22:04.69\00:22:06.62
It depends upon, it depends upon
00:22:06.65\00:22:07.99
what's going on.
00:22:08.02\00:22:09.36
Okay.
00:22:09.39\00:22:10.73
It depends.
00:22:10.76\00:22:13.70
There are a lot of things
in life that can take us off
00:22:13.73\00:22:16.26
and sometimes we
just need to back away
00:22:16.30\00:22:17.83
and just exercise...
00:22:17.87\00:22:19.20
Making mountains
out of molehills.
00:22:19.23\00:22:20.57
It's not that big of a deal
00:22:20.60\00:22:21.94
but we have to
know with those...
00:22:21.97\00:22:23.30
But it works better
when you say that yourself.
00:22:23.34\00:22:26.44
But I think Nivish hit on it
earlier when she talked about
00:22:26.47\00:22:28.61
what's underneath.
00:22:28.64\00:22:29.98
I mean the
situation with the dog,
00:22:30.01\00:22:31.71
I mean clearly that you know...
00:22:31.75\00:22:33.08
You can let that one go.
00:22:33.11\00:22:34.92
Dog doesn't care.
But that's my dog.
00:22:34.95\00:22:37.72
You've insulted my dog,
well, no, you've insulted me.
00:22:37.75\00:22:40.29
It's not the dog.
00:22:40.32\00:22:41.66
So it's what's underneath
and I think that's important
00:22:41.69\00:22:43.69
because if I had the
ability to just let it go...
00:22:43.73\00:22:45.73
Yeah.
00:22:45.76\00:22:47.10
I wouldn't need
anger management,
00:22:47.13\00:22:48.46
and so I think we
mature, we can get there,
00:22:48.50\00:22:51.07
and our job is to help people
get to the point where they're,
00:22:51.10\00:22:53.60
I'm gonna let that go...
00:22:53.64\00:22:54.97
They can figure
out what you'd let go
00:22:55.00\00:22:56.34
and what you don't leg go
00:22:56.37\00:22:57.71
'cause some
things you can't let go.
00:22:57.74\00:22:59.07
But I need to know
why it affects me so much.
00:22:59.11\00:23:01.21
That's what I need to get
to and if I can get to that,
00:23:01.24\00:23:03.55
then I can successfully move on.
00:23:03.58\00:23:06.01
So what about the thing
about "Don't let the sun go down
00:23:06.05\00:23:08.38
on your anger?"
00:23:08.42\00:23:10.22
One of my favorite
text until you mentioned it.
00:23:10.25\00:23:12.25
Okay.
00:23:12.29\00:23:15.32
Because my thought was
00:23:15.36\00:23:16.69
you shouldn't go
to bed on your anger,
00:23:16.73\00:23:18.06
but you guys brought in
some other personal view.
00:23:18.09\00:23:19.96
I said, okay, what I said was
did some people try to tackle
00:23:20.00\00:23:24.70
big conflicts at 11
o'clock, 12 o'clock at night,
00:23:24.73\00:23:27.57
their brain is tired
and they make it worse.
00:23:27.60\00:23:29.67
So I think, don't let
the sun go down in your anger
00:23:29.70\00:23:31.91
means don't let the
person die before you resolve,
00:23:31.94\00:23:34.34
don't let it go on and on.
00:23:34.38\00:23:35.84
But I would agree that
in a healthy relationship
00:23:35.88\00:23:38.08
where you're accustomed
to resolving conflict.
00:23:38.11\00:23:40.88
You can take care of it
before bed in most cases
00:23:40.92\00:23:43.02
or you made a suggestion of...
00:23:43.05\00:23:45.29
Setting the time aside
to do it, and often times
00:23:45.32\00:23:48.59
that's why we get
frustrated is because
00:23:48.62\00:23:50.69
we allow things
to build and then
00:23:50.73\00:23:53.90
and it's
happened my own marriage.
00:23:53.93\00:23:55.56
You know at 11
o'clock at night my wife says,
00:23:55.60\00:23:57.40
"Hey, we need to
talk about this."
00:23:57.43\00:23:59.10
and I go, "Now?
00:23:59.13\00:24:02.00
I'm tired."
00:24:02.04\00:24:03.37
Tired just looking at you.
00:24:03.41\00:24:04.74
And she helps me to realize that
00:24:04.77\00:24:06.34
I have been
neglecting the relationship
00:24:06.37\00:24:08.41
and things have been
building and we needed to talk
00:24:08.44\00:24:11.78
and so what I will do is say,
well, let's set aside a time...
00:24:11.81\00:24:15.62
That's good.
00:24:15.65\00:24:16.99
To sit down and
talk and will take out
00:24:17.02\00:24:18.52
our calendar schedule say,
"Tomorrow evening 6 o'clock.
00:24:18.55\00:24:22.82
Let's set up
aside an hour or two
00:24:22.86\00:24:24.43
and let's talk about this."
00:24:24.46\00:24:25.79
So those, those
feedback loops are so powerful,
00:24:25.83\00:24:27.90
once people get into this,
you know, argument pattern,
00:24:27.93\00:24:30.77
the feedback
loop is very powerful,
00:24:30.80\00:24:32.50
and I recommend that
people have a signal that
00:24:32.53\00:24:35.14
they use either one of them
they agree ahead of time that
00:24:35.17\00:24:37.71
either one of
them can call timeout,
00:24:37.74\00:24:39.34
they actually
use the hand signal
00:24:39.37\00:24:41.01
and right then and
there if they're able and have
00:24:41.04\00:24:42.84
the presence of
mind they reschedule
00:24:42.88\00:24:44.78
a time to talk through it.
00:24:44.81\00:24:46.15
And listen I'm
not perfect and...
00:24:46.18\00:24:47.85
We know that.
00:24:47.88\00:24:49.22
And there are times, thank you,
00:24:49.25\00:24:50.59
where I actually I'm the cause
of this thing going on and on
00:24:50.62\00:24:54.82
because
sometimes my response is,
00:24:54.86\00:24:57.33
"Why did you choose
at 11 o'clock at night
00:24:57.36\00:25:00.30
to do this?"
00:25:00.33\00:25:01.66
And then she can't
stop herself and she'll say,
00:25:01.70\00:25:03.26
"Well, because
you're never around."
00:25:03.30\00:25:04.70
I say, "What do you
mean I'm never around,
00:25:04.73\00:25:06.07
I was around this morning
at 8 o'clock, from 8 to 10."
00:25:06.10\00:25:08.47
It goes on and on,
00:25:08.50\00:25:09.84
someone's got
to put it to a stop
00:25:09.87\00:25:11.37
and say wait a minute...
00:25:11.41\00:25:12.74
Breaks.
00:25:12.77\00:25:14.11
Speaking about
putting the brakes on...
00:25:14.14\00:25:15.48
He's got to do...
00:25:15.51\00:25:16.85
This is a great discussion.
00:25:16.88\00:25:18.21
I will not get
upset with you, brother.
00:25:18.25\00:25:19.58
Let me remind you
that if you're the one
00:25:19.61\00:25:20.95
calling the
timeout, you're the one
00:25:20.98\00:25:22.32
that has to reschedule...
00:25:22.35\00:25:23.69
That's right,
set the reschedule.
00:25:23.72\00:25:25.05
Okay.
00:25:25.09\00:25:26.49
You want me to reschedule.
00:25:26.52\00:25:28.32
Look at so we started talking
about, "Be angry and sin not."
00:25:28.36\00:25:30.93
That's such an important
verse because it's okay
00:25:30.96\00:25:33.83
to be angry on
certain, certain circumstances
00:25:33.86\00:25:35.83
but we have to know.
00:25:35.86\00:25:38.10
I love this...
00:25:38.13\00:25:39.47
Was it RAC
recognize the emotion,
00:25:39.50\00:25:42.50
admit what's going on, confess,
00:25:42.54\00:25:44.94
it's beautiful acronym
what we talk about halt
00:25:44.97\00:25:47.41
and how when
we're in the hungry,
00:25:47.44\00:25:49.88
the angry, the
lonely, the tired stage,
00:25:49.91\00:25:52.88
this is not a good time
for conflict resolution.
00:25:52.91\00:25:55.22
We're making major decisions.
00:25:55.25\00:25:56.89
Anger is normal.
00:25:56.92\00:25:58.25
This was brought up
that is the normal emotion
00:25:58.29\00:25:59.79
that God can use to
help us to get things done
00:25:59.82\00:26:02.49
if used in the right ways.
00:26:02.52\00:26:04.56
Christ himself was
angry and got things done.
00:26:04.59\00:26:09.56
Other figures in
history are good to look at like
00:26:09.60\00:26:12.17
Gandhi and Martin Luther King
00:26:12.20\00:26:13.60
to see how they
handle their anger too,
00:26:13.64\00:26:15.84
very constructive ways
of handling anger because,
00:26:15.87\00:26:18.27
we know that there
are dysfunctional ways
00:26:18.31\00:26:20.81
of handling anger,
00:26:20.84\00:26:22.34
and we talked about some
of those ways like stuffing.
00:26:22.38\00:26:25.65
We talked about aggression,
00:26:25.68\00:26:27.58
it can come out
in the explosion.
00:26:27.62\00:26:29.55
There are good ways to handle it
00:26:29.58\00:26:31.32
to be assertive
in appropriate ways
00:26:31.35\00:26:33.46
and we can teach
these to clients.
00:26:33.49\00:26:37.19
Let's see here how we...
00:26:37.23\00:26:40.80
We turn to anger...
00:26:40.83\00:26:42.33
We turn anger inward
so we talk about that.
00:26:42.36\00:26:44.50
Keeping a journal.
00:26:44.53\00:26:46.17
I love that
keeping a journal because
00:26:46.20\00:26:47.70
this will help the
client to keep a log
00:26:47.74\00:26:50.77
of what's going on
and see their progress
00:26:50.81\00:26:52.71
as time is going on within
the counseling session itself.
00:26:52.74\00:26:55.88
We need to know
why I'm affected.
00:26:55.91\00:26:58.18
This is all the awareness part
and don't let the sun go down
00:26:58.21\00:27:01.15
on our anger, why?
00:27:01.18\00:27:03.18
Because well, the
scripture knows best
00:27:03.22\00:27:05.89
but we can always
reschedule if we have to
00:27:05.92\00:27:08.32
if that's not a good time.
00:27:08.36\00:27:09.76
And anger is not like cheese,
it doesn't improve with age.
00:27:09.79\00:27:14.66
So, "The wise man said that
00:27:14.70\00:27:18.50
reckless words
pierce like a sword
00:27:18.53\00:27:20.90
but the tongue of
the wise brings healing."
00:27:20.94\00:27:23.57
I hope that on this
program you've learned something
00:27:23.61\00:27:26.37
that has made you wiser,
00:27:26.41\00:27:28.08
that you will be
better equipped to handle
00:27:28.11\00:27:29.64
your own anger issues
00:27:29.68\00:27:31.31
and maybe you'll be able
to impart something to others
00:27:31.35\00:27:33.62
who are struggling
with anger themselves.
00:27:33.65\00:27:35.58
It is our prayer that
we will help you learn
00:27:35.62\00:27:38.89
how to live more fully
in line with God's plan.
00:27:38.92\00:27:42.19
He wishes above all
things that we would prosper
00:27:42.22\00:27:44.23
and be in health
even as our soul prospers
00:27:44.26\00:27:46.53
and that's why we
invite you to future programs
00:27:46.56\00:27:48.73
of A Multitude of Counselors.
00:27:48.76\00:27:50.10
May God bless you and keep
you, until then we appreciate
00:27:50.13\00:27:53.74
you sharing with
us in this program.
00:27:53.77\00:27:56.07
May God bless you.
00:27:56.10\00:27:57.44
Amen.
00:27:57.47\00:27:59.51