Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan Nowlan.
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I'm Arthur Nowlan
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And welcome to Making It Work.
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¤ ¤
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Today on Making It Work we're
going to talk about the art of
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listening. How would you rate
your listening skills. Do you
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have effective listening or do
you have poor listening skills?
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What determines a great listener
versus someone who cannot
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listen well. Well two components
Number one: Being able to convey
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a message, get that
response back and give them an
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appropriate response to their
question. A lot of times we are
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not listening and therefore you
get huh, what did you say, could
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you repeat that and the other
person says what were you doing?
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I was talking right at you.
Are you listening? Did you fall
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asleep? So we've got to look at
the content, the quality and the
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art of listening. Well Arthur
and I are going to demonstrate
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some effective listening and not
so effective listening. So we're
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going to start off with some
negative listening. And this is
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all role play. So again,
understand we're just trying
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to show you some of the things
that people get into and with
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Arthur and I being therapists
helping them to look at the way
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they listen and communicate.
You may ask why is it so
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important to have effective
listening skills and the impact
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on the relationship. Arthur
why is that so important in our
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relationships today.
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To establish good relationships
we must be able to hear what the
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other person is saying. If I'm
able to hear what you're trying
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to convey to me then I'm able
to give you a positive response
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or a response that is coming
from me and I'm asking you what
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your opinion is to my response.
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So to put that in laymen's terms
I want to be able to give you a
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good quality answer. So when
someone is communicating with
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you it can become very
frustrating in your relationship
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within the household. Even with
your children, you have to be
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able to give good information
and how it's received and given.
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So Arthur and I want to
demonstrate to you something
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that what we do in our
relationship seminars and
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role play. We're going to
demonstrate one negative impact
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of poor communication, then
we're going to turn around, talk
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about it a little bit and then
do the positive side. All right.
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Are you with us.
All right. Let's go.
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So I've been calling you for
10 minutes. How come you didn't
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answer your phone?
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I did answer my phone.
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You didn't answer your
phone I called you 10 times.
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On the 10th time
I answered my phone.
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You didn't call on the 9th time.
I have something very important
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to ask you.
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When I picked up
the phone you hung up.
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That doesn't have anything to
do with anything. I called you
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nine times. I have
something important to ask you.
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I don't like the way
you're talking to me.
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Well I don't like the way that
you didn't answer the phone.
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I need you to listen to me.
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I answered the phone.
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The problem is that
you don't listen to me.
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The problem is...
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Excuse me, I'm talking right now
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I don't want to hear you talk.
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See what do you mean you
don't want to hear me talk?
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Because you're not trying
to hear what I have to say.
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I have been living with this for
years and years and years. You
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don't want to listen to me while
I'm talking. And then when I
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start talking all of a sudden
you want to start talking.
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and you interrupt me.
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Because what your saying is
you're saying it out of anger
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I'm not angry. Do I look angry
to you? Do I sound angry to you?
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You kind of act angry.
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I'm not. But we're going to
stop there. So what did you see?
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Number one: You can't talk at
the same time. Somebody has to
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listen and when there are two
individuals in the room, there
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should be two listeners.
Arthur should be listening. I'm
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listening. That's all right?
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I think another important point
that needs to be brought out in
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that exchange is the fact that
body language conveys a message
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as well; not just words.
You have to be able to watch the
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body language. Sometimes when a
person is angry they demonstrate
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a real aggressive body language
which makes the environment even
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more hostile.
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So Arthur's saying there was a
body language, two people trying
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to talk at the same time. The
tone was loud. You have anger.
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Did you notice the eye contact
and again that body language.
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So what would you do
differently? Let us show you.
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Arthur, I've been trying to
reach you for about the last 10
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minutes or so.
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I picked up the phone on the
10th call and you weren't there.
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I guess you were just hanging
the phone up. What I should have
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done was call you back.
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Okay. I'd appreciate that next
time if you could call me back
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because sometimes you don't
pick up your phone and maybe
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I'll try texting
you. Maybe that will help.
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Well yeah, but sometimes I'm
away from my phone. I'll put it
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on my desk and leave it. But
when I do hear it I'll rush to
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it and I tried to answer
it as quickly as possible.
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Well don't you want
to know what I wanted.
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Absolutely.
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Well I needed some eggs, bread
and some milk before you came
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in but now you're home.
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That's no
problem. I can still go.
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You want to go back out again?
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Absolutely.
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Well I appreciate that.
All right. Can I add some more
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things to the list. Okay great.
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So right there what did
you notice about body language?
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What did you notice
about the body language?
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Well there wasn't any aggression
demonstrated. It was more of a
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calm atmosphere.
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All right. That means I wasn't
on the defensive and you weren't
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on the defense.
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So I mean we were able to
communicate. We made progress.
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And you were able to hear
me and I was able to hear you.
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And the solution was
I needed you to do what?
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You needed me to go
to the store for you.
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Okay. So therefore my message
was conveyed and he was able to
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follow through. Now let me ask a
question. How many times during
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the week do you and your family
members or if you're a single
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person sit down and just write
down some short term goals to
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improve your communication
skills. And let's talk about
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those who are single Arthur.
Do they communicate with people
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on the job?
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Absolutely. But the first step
even before you write down the
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goals is to recognize
that you have a problem in your
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communication with others.
Sometimes when people will bring
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that to our attention and
we will still ignore that, Kim.
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So after I admit that there is
a concern, then I want to change
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and try to improve the
relationship and try to improve
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my communication skills. Then
I will start writing. How would
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I do this? What is necessary for
me to be a good listener or a
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good communicator.
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What is so difficult... and
we counsel couples all the time.
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What do you notice is
the biggest challenge in
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relationships when it comes to
communication? Is it listening
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or is it something else?
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Well I think after a period
of time sometimes we take people
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for granted and we try to listen
but our minds may drift off and
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the next thing you know you
don't hold whatever that person
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is trying to convey to you as
being important. And sometimes
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that will lead us to just
totally not pay attention and
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doing something else or being
distracted. So those are some
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of the things that would
prevent us from developing good
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listening skills.
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You really want something done
for you around your home by your
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spouse or your children? Let me
give you some simple words that
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will help you. Thank you. You're
welcome, please, that was so
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nice of you. People
really enjoy getting accolades.
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Another tool. Please if your
doing this at the dinner table,
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texting, or your cell phone,
reading a newspaper. Put it
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away and begin to communicate.
We started a new, not a rule,
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but I asked Arthur when we
go out to dinner, can we put the
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cell phones away. Can we just
have our opportunity to wind
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down and just talk to each
other. How do you like that?
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Well I think it works well
but I think the cell phone is
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probably more of a problem with
you than it is with me, Kim.
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You think so? Absolutely.
You know I'm working on it to
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make sure that when people are
calling... Right now we've been
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going through something with
our business so we get a lot of
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phone calls to my cell phone.
But I try to just put it down.
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Today we were out. I put it
down. Because you need to just
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take it down a notch and be able
to unwind and hear what's going
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on in the
dynamics of your household.
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Absolutely. Not only at
the, within the household
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I'm sorry to interrupt you and
I'm sorry, that's another pet
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peeve of mine but why do
you say the cell phone is more
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challenging for me?
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Because I think that you're on
it probably more. I think you're
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more of a communicator as
far as talking to people and the
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excitement that you demonstrate
when you talk to people. You
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like to really, really get
really engaged when you talk to
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a lot of people.
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Well yeah because people are
calling for information, they
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want to set appointments. Okay
can you imagine you calling me
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for an appointment, (dull voice)
Hello, Dr. Logan, can I help
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you. It would be like click.
This lady does not want to be
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bothered. So what I do I say
Good afternoon, thank you for
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calling, Dr. Logan speaking, how
may I help you. (animated voice)
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Now wouldn't that make you
want to say now I know this lady
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really wants to help me.
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But I'm not just talking about
clients, Kim. I'm talking about
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with just people in
general. You get excited.
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I am an excitable person...
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You just interrupted me Kim.
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I'm sorry. Was what you
were saying was going to be
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important.
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Absolutely. Okay go ahead.
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I mean, that's what I thought.
So you know you really need to
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write down what would improve
your listening skills when I'm
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talking to you.
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Okay I'm going to tell you
what could improve my listening
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skills. Prayer, I need to pray
more. I'm learning to pray more
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before I speak. I'm learning
to really take in my environment
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before I respond. Make sure I
respond effectively so I'm not
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redundant. How do you feel about
it when people are redundant?
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They say the same
thing over and over again.
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I know when you get excited
that happens a lot... not
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just you per se but people when
they get excited and are trying
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to convey a message. Sometimes
they do say the same thing over
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and over again which could
be a challenge for someone who's
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just trying to listen and find
what point that they're trying
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to make. But in many cases
that's where the breakdown in
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communication comes.
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That's where it is.
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Then when we're talking
about listening skills and the
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communication aspect within a
relationship. If I'm not able to
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communicate with you, Kim, then
I may get to the point where I'm
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looking for somebody
else to communicate with.
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And that's the danger zone.
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Especially if it's at work.
I'm talking to somebody at work
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and it may not start in the
direction where I'm providing
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them with any type information
personally but the more I get
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comfortable talking with
somebody else because I can't
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talk with you in the home then
the next thing you know that
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can lead to all types of
negativity with a relationship.
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How many times have we heard
well I just wanted to have a
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conversation with someone and
the next thing you know you're
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involved with that person
intimately. And it all started
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with a friendly hello, a
listening ear, tell me about
00:13:07.65\00:13:11.45
your problems. Don't tell them
about your problems. Find a way
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to communicate with your spouse,
talk to God, talk to your pastor
00:13:16.42\00:13:21.33
talk to someone who's going
to really be there to give you
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sound good Christian advice.
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If you get to a point where you
want to share information you
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have to have a lot of trust in
the person that receiving that
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information. Oh no doubt.
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So I really think that you can
find a counselor but it has to
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be with somebody that you
totally trust and that you have
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built a relationship with
over the years. It's not just
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somebody that you meet in a few
months and you think you know
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them and then you start sharing
personal information. A lot of
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times that can turn out
to be a negative situation.
00:13:58.93\00:14:01.87
I received the nicest compliment
from a new patient and she had
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gone to two other therapists.
I was just listening and not
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a red flag and I asked her what
brought you to me and she told
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me why. But at the end of the
session what she really enjoyed
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was the engaging. I was engaging
with her. She said the other two
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doctors never said a word during
the whole session. They allowed
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her to speak and they
never asked her a question, they
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never engaged. And there
are different techniques, people
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will have different techniques,
different therapists,
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psychiatrists, psychologists,
but she was looking for someone
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to engage with her, ask her
questions, pull some things out
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of her because she didn't know
how to address some issues in
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her life.
00:14:47.25\00:14:48.58
Well I think that might have
happened that way but sometimes
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I think we become a little
anxious in having somebody
00:14:51.62\00:14:55.69
provide us with a solution.
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I don't think she was looking
for a solution. She was looking
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for someone to help
her understand what she was
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going through. And I'm not
saying that's not a sense of a
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solution. There are times
though I have patients when I
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just listen. Matter of fact,
remember I told you about this
00:15:11.64\00:15:15.91
one particular person, a patient
and she said at the end of the
00:15:15.94\00:15:20.98
session, Dr. Logan, I need you
just to listen. I was outdone.
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I understand.
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And she said... What'd you
mean by that? Are you going
00:15:27.46\00:15:31.83
somewhere with that?
00:15:31.86\00:15:33.19
I understand Kim because
you know that could be a problem
00:15:33.23\00:15:35.16
with you sometimes.
00:15:35.20\00:15:36.53
It's not a problem for me. It's
part of being a good therapist.
00:15:36.56\00:15:39.60
You have to be able to
communicate and listen.
00:15:39.63\00:15:42.10
I'm talking
about not on the job...
00:15:42.14\00:15:44.41
but off the job.
00:15:44.44\00:15:45.77
Absolutely.
00:15:45.81\00:15:47.14
Okay so tell me what you feel
is one of the most challenging
00:15:47.18\00:15:51.15
issues of the art
of listening with me.
00:15:51.18\00:15:53.48
Silence.
00:15:53.52\00:15:54.85
What you mean, you
need me to be silent?
00:15:54.88\00:15:56.62
Sometimes.
00:15:56.65\00:15:57.99
Wait a minute, one time we were
driving all the way, we were
00:15:58.02\00:16:02.29
going to Georgia, going to
Atlanta. And I was talking to
00:16:02.32\00:16:07.10
Arthur and I said Arthur you
are not responding to me, Arthur
00:16:07.13\00:16:11.63
do you hear me. Arthur say
something. He said, Kim, I've
00:16:11.67\00:16:14.74
been listening to you since we
left Detroit and that was nine
00:16:14.77\00:16:18.67
hours ago. And it was like Oh
that hurt my feelings. You know
00:16:18.74\00:16:22.38
he said but you've been talking
and talking and I'm thinking I'm
00:16:22.44\00:16:26.05
just keeping him awake and
keeping the engaging going but
00:16:26.08\00:16:29.38
it was no engaging. I was doing
all the talking. He hurt my
00:16:29.42\00:16:32.65
feelings that time.
00:16:32.69\00:16:34.02
And you didn't even realize that
you were doing all the talking.
00:16:34.06\00:16:36.26
I didn't realize I
talked for nine hours.
00:16:36.29\00:16:38.36
I know and that's a problem.
00:16:38.39\00:16:40.06
You try to talk nine
hours without any interruption.
00:16:40.10\00:16:44.37
I'm saying, it's a problem.
Do you understand the turmoil
00:16:44.43\00:16:50.51
that I was going through.
00:16:50.54\00:16:51.87
I don't know because I thought
I was really sharing a lot of
00:16:51.91\00:16:54.48
things. I was going through a
lot of different dynamics. I was
00:16:54.51\00:16:57.55
talking about magazine articles,
I was talking about our books,
00:16:57.58\00:17:00.58
I was talking about the children
00:17:00.62\00:17:01.95
It wasn't really turmoil because
I mean even though I may not
00:17:01.98\00:17:06.29
have engaged as much as
you wanted me to it was really
00:17:06.32\00:17:11.03
productive because some real
productivity came out of it.
00:17:11.06\00:17:15.70
It did and I was able to capture
you. I can never get you to just
00:17:15.73\00:17:20.10
sit down. Arthur's a golfer and
he's very, very busy with his
00:17:20.14\00:17:22.80
programs and different things.
So I got him in that car and
00:17:22.84\00:17:28.38
I knew I had him for nine hours.
00:17:28.41\00:17:29.78
You know but those are things
that we used to do quite a bit
00:17:30.05\00:17:34.75
but I think what had interrupted
that type of engaging is the
00:17:34.78\00:17:39.45
technology that's
out here right now.
00:17:39.49\00:17:42.89
Oh yes.
00:17:42.92\00:17:44.26
You know technology can be
positive and negative. It can be
00:17:44.29\00:17:48.56
distracting. I think what has
happened with many of us is that
00:17:48.60\00:17:53.64
texting and the cell phone
could be very detrimental in
00:17:53.67\00:17:58.17
relationships. And what
has happened with some of the
00:17:58.21\00:18:02.64
clients that have come into
our offices, they really have a
00:18:02.68\00:18:06.75
difficult time in dealing with
their spouse who is constantly
00:18:06.78\00:18:10.82
texting on the telephone.
00:18:10.85\00:18:12.19
Oh definitely. And a lot of them
have lost the ability to do oral
00:18:12.22\00:18:15.19
communication because they
text their message or they'll I
00:18:15.22\00:18:18.89
texted you today. And I have
to always ask our couples, did
00:18:18.93\00:18:22.66
you talk to each other. Yes
we text, that's what they say.
00:18:22.73\00:18:27.00
I say no, did you pick up the
phone, did you call them, did
00:18:27.04\00:18:31.27
you say anything to them face to
face verbally. No, no Dr. Nowlan
00:18:31.31\00:18:36.81
we text.
00:18:36.85\00:18:38.18
But let me add another component
to that. What I've also realized
00:18:38.21\00:18:43.72
in experimenting with certain
things with our couples is that
00:18:43.75\00:18:49.49
sometimes when it's difficult to
talk orally what happens is they
00:18:49.52\00:18:54.83
need to come up with a different
tool to communicate. So what
00:18:54.86\00:18:59.77
I've done is recognize that
e- mailing each other what their
00:18:59.80\00:19:04.67
concerns are as a form of
communication is not bad. It
00:19:04.71\00:19:09.74
can help when it's like if I
talk to you I anticipate that
00:19:09.78\00:19:12.81
we're going to be hollering
and screaming at each other. Or
00:19:12.85\00:19:17.09
sometimes I may have to text you
just to let you know I got the
00:19:17.12\00:19:21.72
message that you were trying to
deliver to me but unfortunately
00:19:21.76\00:19:25.89
you were not able to listen
to me. So you can use it in a
00:19:25.93\00:19:31.33
productive way but it's working
on our communication, not when
00:19:31.40\00:19:36.87
you're just texting or e-mailing
or communicating with everybody
00:19:36.91\00:19:42.38
else and you're not
communicating with me.
00:19:42.41\00:19:43.75
That's a void.
00:19:43.78\00:19:45.11
That is a void. And another
thing I want to touch on is when
00:19:45.15\00:19:48.48
you're communicating you can't
watch television and communicate
00:19:48.52\00:19:53.19
at the same time.
00:19:53.22\00:19:54.56
You mean I can't
watch the playoffs.
00:19:54.59\00:19:57.46
No but let me say this ladies,
pick your battles. Do not try
00:19:57.49\00:20:02.16
to talk to your husband during
the super bowl or March Madness
00:20:02.20\00:20:06.17
or you know the playoffs. You
didn't know I knew all that did
00:20:06.20\00:20:10.17
you? Wasn't that pretty good?
00:20:10.21\00:20:13.07
You remember what I taught you.
00:20:13.11\00:20:15.88
I have learned to pick my
battles and I have to wait.
00:20:15.94\00:20:18.75
Now Arthur he plays golf, he
dozes off about 9:30, 10 o'clock
00:20:18.78\00:20:24.22
It's over. You know we're
still here in the studio. So I'm
00:20:24.25\00:20:28.62
saying that if I'm going to talk
to Arthur it has to be in the
00:20:28.66\00:20:32.79
morning.
00:20:32.83\00:20:34.16
All right, I've got to catch him
in the morning because that's
00:20:34.20\00:20:36.46
the best time because he is a
person that likes to communicate
00:20:36.50\00:20:40.40
in the morning. How many times
have you said to me, Kim, I'm
00:20:40.44\00:20:44.74
on my down, I'm going down. Do
not talk to me right now. And he
00:20:44.77\00:20:49.01
says it very nicely. Some
times I'll go in with a burst of
00:20:49.04\00:20:51.41
energy and he'll just look
at me like you know you're about
00:20:51.45\00:20:56.25
to go. So you know I can go for
two or three hours so that he
00:20:56.65\00:21:01.29
says not right now Kim. And I'm
like man I've got so much to say
00:21:01.32\00:21:05.96
I want to say it now. I'm a
night bird, he's morning. So we
00:21:05.99\00:21:10.27
have to find our balance. Yeah.
We are, we're opposites but we
00:21:10.33\00:21:15.04
find our balance. So what I have
to do is catch him before he
00:21:15.07\00:21:20.38
goes, talk with him. And I've
got another way. I call you and
00:21:20.41\00:21:25.71
we talk on the phone.
00:21:25.75\00:21:27.08
That's good and that works.
00:21:27.12\00:21:28.95
And it works for us.
00:21:28.98\00:21:30.32
Especially when we're
trying to deal with some really
00:21:30.35\00:21:33.86
important business and we need
each other to understand how
00:21:33.89\00:21:39.59
we're going to progress
in this particular area.
00:21:39.63\00:21:42.20
Right. I put double sinks in
our bathroom so we can be in the
00:21:42.26\00:21:45.77
bathroom at the same time
and we're talking and we're
00:21:45.80\00:21:48.37
communicating.
00:21:48.40\00:21:49.74
But you know that
never sat well with me.
00:21:49.77\00:21:51.11
You don't like the
double sinks? Not really.
00:21:51.14\00:21:52.47
I asked you
about the double sinks.
00:21:52.51\00:21:53.84
Yeah, but I was
just trying to...
00:21:53.88\00:21:55.74
Accommodate me?
00:21:55.78\00:21:57.11
Yeah because I knew it was
something that was important.
00:21:57.15\00:21:59.65
Don't you just love...
00:21:59.68\00:22:01.02
Have you noticed Kim, I'm not
really in there when you're in
00:22:01.05\00:22:03.72
there. Oh I was in
there when you were
00:22:03.75\00:22:05.52
in there.
00:22:05.55\00:22:06.89
Yeah, that is true. You know
I come in there when you're in
00:22:06.92\00:22:12.46
there. Because I got to
captivate you, I got to get
00:22:12.49\00:22:14.30
you and talk to you.
00:22:14.33\00:22:15.66
Yeah, as soon as
you come in I'm leaving.
00:22:15.70\00:22:17.47
You are leaving. I noticed that.
00:22:17.50\00:22:19.23
You know it's not to say that
I don't enjoy spending time with
00:22:19.27\00:22:23.84
you. That's another part of the
listening. I think what really
00:22:23.87\00:22:28.38
stands out even more is
the fact that if it's enjoyable
00:22:28.41\00:22:33.72
conversation time shoots by.
It does. And it's really fun.
00:22:33.78\00:22:37.95
It's fun to communicate with
somebody that you really care
00:22:37.99\00:22:42.16
about. And when
the communication stops
00:22:42.19\00:22:44.66
that's an issue, that's a
problem in the relationship.
00:22:44.69\00:22:47.60
And I think that's what really
motivates a lot of people to
00:22:47.63\00:22:53.67
us is the fact that their
communication has come to a
00:22:53.70\00:22:58.47
standstill.
00:22:58.51\00:22:59.84
It has, it has. You know when
we were on our honeymoon and you
00:22:59.87\00:23:04.18
read to me. Absolutely. And you
read me stories and I laid in
00:23:04.21\00:23:07.85
your lap. It was beautiful
and I listened to those stories.
00:23:07.88\00:23:12.19
It was the first time hearing
you read stories to me. I wasn't
00:23:12.22\00:23:14.86
that in tune to story telling
even though that was part of my
00:23:14.89\00:23:19.39
dissertation. But it was so
beautiful and I listened and I
00:23:19.53\00:23:24.10
learned so much from those
stories. But you haven't done it
00:23:24.17\00:23:28.70
since. Yes I have.
I read stories that
00:23:28.74\00:23:31.34
I've written myself.
00:23:31.37\00:23:32.71
I know, yes you have
but not exactly the same.
00:23:32.74\00:23:36.24
Do you know just
what happened here?
00:23:36.28\00:23:37.88
What is that?
00:23:37.91\00:23:39.25
I told you I read you
stories that I've written...
00:23:39.28\00:23:44.55
I just overlooked it.
00:23:44.59\00:23:45.92
and you just
overlooked that. I'm sorry.
00:23:45.95\00:23:47.36
Is that something that
you may need to work on, Kim?
00:23:47.42\00:23:50.93
I think so.
00:23:50.99\00:23:52.33
I think I can help you with that
00:23:52.36\00:23:53.70
Okay, say it to me again.
Say Kim I read you my stories.
00:23:53.73\00:23:56.56
Any time that you feel that...
00:23:56.60\00:23:58.33
No, no go back and say that
I've read to you my stories.
00:23:58.40\00:24:01.74
Do I have to say it the way you
want me to say it, or can I say
00:24:01.77\00:24:05.27
it the way I want to say it.
00:24:05.34\00:24:06.68
Say it the way
you want to say it.
00:24:06.71\00:24:09.24
See that's another... (laughter)
00:24:09.28\00:24:11.71
You now because I
want things my way, I do.
00:24:11.75\00:24:15.65
Yes you do.
00:24:15.68\00:24:17.02
I'm spoiled. You spoiled me.
00:24:17.05\00:24:18.42
Not only that I think your dad
spoiled you and your mom spoiled
00:24:18.45\00:24:22.82
you. I'm mean I'm thinking about
a process. Let's go back to this
00:24:22.86\00:24:27.16
listening aspect. If you
had problems listening in your
00:24:27.20\00:24:32.57
family of origin that's an issue
that you carried on for a long
00:24:32.63\00:24:36.84
period of time. So even when you
get involved in a relationship,
00:24:36.91\00:24:41.01
there may be some issues as
far as your communication skills
00:24:41.04\00:24:45.55
you need to improve and
sometimes it takes time for both
00:24:45.58\00:24:49.98
parties to really recognize,
I need improvement in this area.
00:24:50.02\00:24:53.92
So one of the things we also
have to recognize is the fact
00:24:53.96\00:24:58.39
that we are attracted to each
other for many, many reasons.
00:24:58.43\00:25:02.96
And sometimes in my attraction
to you I may overlook other
00:25:03.00\00:25:08.07
areas and so those other areas
may be really, really something
00:25:08.10\00:25:12.94
that I need to address and that
really stand out but because of
00:25:12.97\00:25:18.31
my infatuation with you I may
feel that us being together, you
00:25:18.35\00:25:23.65
will change eventually.
00:25:23.69\00:25:25.02
Or I'll change you.
00:25:25.05\00:25:26.86
And that's sometimes very
devastating to the individual.
00:25:26.89\00:25:31.13
Yes and the listening is still
not improved because we still
00:25:31.16\00:25:35.16
have the same issues.
00:25:35.20\00:25:36.53
When we see couples hollering
and screaming in the therapy
00:25:36.83\00:25:40.44
session and no one is listening
and there's nothing getting
00:25:40.47\00:25:43.51
resolved because you're
not listening to me and I'm not
00:25:43.54\00:25:46.51
listening to you. I want to
be heard. I want to out talk you
00:25:46.54\00:25:50.35
and so therefore, we're back to
square one and I don't want to
00:25:50.38\00:25:54.15
counseling because it's
not doing any good. Well the
00:25:54.18\00:25:56.28
counseling is not going to
do any good unless you implement
00:25:56.32\00:25:59.19
the tools of listening.
00:25:59.25\00:26:00.69
Set up goals. That's one of
the most important things. How
00:26:00.72\00:26:05.36
can I listen. Now I want to talk
to our audience and let them
00:26:05.39\00:26:09.76
know, there's a simple process
that's involved that can help
00:26:09.80\00:26:14.10
you as far as improving
you listening skills and that
00:26:14.14\00:26:16.77
process is take a three-minute
or five-minute time and allow
00:26:16.81\00:26:23.14
the person that's trying
to convey a message, give them
00:26:23.18\00:26:26.41
three uninterrupted minutes to
voice their opinion and then you
00:26:26.45\00:26:32.35
take three uninterrupted minutes
to give feedback or voice your
00:26:32.39\00:26:37.89
opinion. If you use that time
frame it really is a training
00:26:37.93\00:26:42.03
mechanism to help you to learn
how to listen to each other in a
00:26:42.06\00:26:46.13
productive manner.
00:26:46.17\00:26:47.50
That's an excellent idea.
You know we use that also.
00:26:47.80\00:26:51.04
Absolutely. Well
you know, my goodness
00:26:51.07\00:26:52.97
Arthur. The time is already gone
00:26:53.01\00:26:55.31
It's amazing. I can't believe it
00:26:55.34\00:26:57.58
I can't either.
00:26:57.61\00:26:58.95
And you were
listening to me all the time.
00:26:58.98\00:27:00.32
And I was. Well listen, we want
to thank you and we hope some
00:27:00.35\00:27:03.52
of the things we've shared
with you and what you saw today
00:27:03.59\00:27:06.76
on Making It Work will help you
in the art of listening. I'm Dr.
00:27:06.79\00:27:10.33
Kim Logan Nowlan.
I'm Arthur Nowlan.
00:27:10.36\00:27:12.39
God bless, God bless.
00:27:12.46\00:27:13.86