Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin.
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And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
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And welcome, to making it work.
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Arthur, when you think
about loss, I think about you.
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You've been blessed to
have a beautiful family.
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But over the years,
since we've been married,
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you've lost your three brothers.
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Why don't you tell us,
you lost your entire family,
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who did you loose?
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I lost each one of my brothers
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my two older brothers
and my younger brother.
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You know, my sister who
had passed away some years
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when I was in college.
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But--
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And your mother and
father also deceased.
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Yes.
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So when you think
about loss, how do you feel
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you know being the
younger one still living
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and when you reflect,
when you have a brother
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who has a birthday
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and I see you at home sometimes,
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it's where you're reflecting.
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Well, you know,
I would think that
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I would always
reflect on those dates.
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You know, but I had
to redirect the sadness.
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Yes.
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And, and get motivated
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because, I wanted
to most importantly
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not linger just on grief alone,
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what I wanted to also
do is use it to empower me
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to make me more conscious
of doing something positive.
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Now, I like that word
empower, you know, that hits me,
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we talk about being
empowered, get up, get moving.
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Not just allow yourself
to just dive that person,
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all of us have a difficult
time when you lose a loved one.
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Well, we were
blessed to interview Donald.
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And our topic is
growing through the pain.
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And it was hard
because, he lost his mother
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and he came to me
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for one aspect of
counseling his relationship.
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But throughout
the holiday months,
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throughout that
timeframe, his mother passed.
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But was so
interesting I lost my mom.
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So, I had to counsel him
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while I'm dealing
with my own grief.
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That was something.
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Yes, it's difficult
and how did you do it?
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I did it by the grace of
God, "The Lord is my shepherd,
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I shall not want."
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Psalms 23:1 it's not my
will but God's will God's will.
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You know, and I had to
allow myself to be moved
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and decrease so
God could increase.
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But another thing you had to do,
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or that you felt that was
probably mandatory for you
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is that you had
to separate yourself.
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I did, I had to move
myself out of the way.
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Well, let's listen to Donald,
growing through the pains.
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You know, Donald,
for the last six months,
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we've been
working really diligently
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with your counseling
and loss of your mom,
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bereavement counseling.
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Let's talk about that, you know.
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Why did you decide
to come to counseling?
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When I started I was
having issues with relationships
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and what not and I
finally got the courage to say,
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I need help or somebody to
talk to about my situation.
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And I had to say you've been
very open, very transparent.
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Your mom passed
recently, you know.
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Let's talk about
her relationship?
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Yeah, my mom, three
years ago was diagnosed
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with stomach cancer
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and they didn't
give us too many options
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where my mom being at
the time she was diagnosed,
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she was 80 years old.
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But my mom was a fighter.
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And that's what I guess,
that's where I get my strength
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from most of the time
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and she fought a
good fight for three years
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and it was this past
December at the Sunday,
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she had two
major, two major strokes
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and a seizure and
it got her real weak.
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And she was in the
hospital, she was fighting
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and she was
paralyzed on her right side,
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and she couldn't talk.
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And I would go
see her every day,
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and she will look at me,
and she know I was there,
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she squeezed my hand
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but I could
tell that she wasn't,
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she didn't like me
seeing her in that way and.
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It's just--
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It was just difficult.
It was difficult, yeah.
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It's all right. Take
your time, take your time.
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When you got the
call from your niece.
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She called you.
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And you were
sitting in the parking lot.
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You were there but and
she had already passed.
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What did that do to you
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that you were
not able to be there
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at those last few moments.
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It really hurt and once I
finally got enough courage
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to get out of the car
and go into the rehab center
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and I went, I stood at the door.
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And I just looked
at her and I said,
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"Never in my life that I
think that this will happen."
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My mom was so strong,
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and I thought my
mom would bury me,
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I thought my mom
will be around forever.
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And I just, I went over.
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And I just looked at
her and I started crying
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and I was telling her,
I need you, I need you.
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Autumn needs you.
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And Autumn is your little girl.
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Autumn is my daughter.
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She loved
Autumn. She loved Autumn.
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Okay.
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And I kept saying mom,
get up I need you and me,
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I'm the baby.
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I'm the youngest of
eight, four boys and four girls.
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And my sisters
were there telling me,
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we can't do no more and
she's not hurting any more
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and that's the part
that I really didn't get
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because I was selfish.
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And I wanted my mom still here.
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Even though it
was for the better
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that she is not hurting anymore.
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You know in
bereavement counseling
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one of the
important aspects of it.
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And we've talked about
it in your treatment plan
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and setting goals
to get through this
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is not to be in denial.
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And recognizing
that she has passed
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and you've been
able to say that.
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Can you say that
my mom has passed?
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I can say it, but I
still don't believe it.
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The other day I was going
to sell my our cell phones
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and I'm real upset with
myself, I'm just trying to find
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one of my old
voice mails from her
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just to hear a voice
again because it's been so long.
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And I just want to hear her.
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She used to leave sending
me mail, "Hey, it's your mom.
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Give me a call."
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And just, I just want to hear
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one of those
messages one more time.
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It's like so much,
that I wish I could say it
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those two weeks,
what I did say it
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but she couldn't
say it back to me
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but she looked at me.
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And I knew she knew how I felt.
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And I know how
she felt about me.
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One aspect that
coming into counseling.
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You have been a great son.
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You were, you would go
buy and get her oatmeal
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and take it to her.
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Every day on your way
and you are a police officer
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and recognizing
how busy you were,
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but you always took
time for your mother.
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But part number,
another aspect of the counseling
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being able to get through
the denial having no regrets.
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Do you have any
regrets with your mom?
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I don't really have any regrets.
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I was there like all my
brothers and sisters said
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you was the good son,
you did all you could for her
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and she's proud of you.
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That is as to this
day it's still hard
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to come to grips with it.
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I've drove in to
our house several times.
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And I maybe I
parked in the driveway,
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but I can't get out
of the car and go in.
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So my mom passed
December 19th, 2014
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and I still
haven't been in her house.
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And that may be
one of our exercise,
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a part of our treatment plan
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that I may have to go with you,
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you know, and help you
to go through this process.
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Because it's gonna be crucial
that you're able to do this.
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It's been three months,
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and we have to
start making certain steps
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in order for you to
see the measurement,
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and we talk about zero to ten.
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We talk about it often
in our counseling session.
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Where are you with this?
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So, right now with
your mom's passing,
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where are you on a
scale of zero to ten
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in measurement
with your counseling.
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With my counseling I
understand maybe a seven.
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Okay, all right, so
we're making some progress.
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We're making progress.
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And you're still
coming, that's the key.
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A lot of people give up, Donald.
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A lot of people stop
coming and you have not,
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so you have to recognize
that you are still in this.
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And you're still grieving.
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You just recently lost your mom,
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it's not something that
you can get over overnight
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and I'm not trying for
you to forget about mom.
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But there are those who
are here living with you
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such as Stephanie and Autumn,
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and we have to
focus on the living.
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You need to remember
all this she gave you,
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all that she put inside of you.
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But at the same time
now you must take that
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and be a vessel to do
like you do in your job.
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Let's talk about
that for a little bit?
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You know, domestic
violence, tell us what you do
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for the department
of, the police department?
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I've been an investigator
dealing with domestic violence
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in the city of
Detroit since 2001.
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When citizens make
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domestic violence
reports at precincts
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or when police come out.
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They are forwarded to my office.
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And once I receive a
report, I contact victims
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and see if they
wish to pursuit charges.
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And also give them other
avenue such as counseling,
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information on
shelters and what not.
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And that's,
that's my job basically.
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And you go to court also.
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I'm in court quite a bit.
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You find that women
or men change their minds
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and do not want
to press charges?
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All the time.
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And you know, it sometimes,
it takes me off my square,
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when I really
try to help somebody
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and I said, "You reached out.
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I'm here to help you."
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And I get everything
going, we show up for court,
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and they have a change of heart.
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Now, what's their
reason, what's their answer?
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They apologize,
00:11:06.19\00:11:07.53
they're not
going to do it anymore.
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It was a one
thing, it was my fault.
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I shouldn't have did this
or I shouldn't have did that.
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And then other than
take is one incident
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where someone is
unfortunately killed
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and we'll have a rush to people
want to press charges again
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for maybe a month or two,
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and then it will die down
and back to the same thing.
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Okay.
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You know in your
counseling process
00:11:33.56\00:11:34.89
is really interesting
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when you started, you came
in to deal with relationship.
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Then we had to make a transition
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because mom had passed.
00:11:41.70\00:11:43.43
Dealing with the
stress on your job.
00:11:43.47\00:11:45.77
You know, having a little baby,
00:11:45.80\00:11:47.74
how old is your daughter Autumn?
00:11:47.77\00:11:49.10
She is two. All right.
00:11:49.14\00:11:50.57
Let's talk
about that, all right.
00:11:50.61\00:11:52.21
Your mom raised
you in the church.
00:11:52.24\00:11:53.94
Raised in the church.
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You get involved,
you have a relationship,
00:11:55.34\00:11:56.78
you have a child out
of marriage, all right.
00:11:56.81\00:11:59.21
You are now dating her mom,
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and now decision
has been made to marry.
00:12:02.62\00:12:05.95
All right, are you
sure about this decision?
00:12:05.99\00:12:08.29
Yes.
00:12:08.32\00:12:09.66
Marriage is a big step, Donald.
00:12:09.69\00:12:11.29
And we've been talking
many months about this.
00:12:11.33\00:12:14.16
And some days you are sure,
and some days you're not sure.
00:12:14.20\00:12:18.40
And, you know, I
always hold on with my ink pen
00:12:18.43\00:12:20.80
like I'm
waiting for that answer.
00:12:20.84\00:12:22.47
Right. So now
today, you are sure.
00:12:22.50\00:12:25.11
Tell me why you are sure
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that you are
ready to be married?
00:12:26.54\00:12:28.64
It basically goes back
to how my mother raised me
00:12:28.68\00:12:33.01
and I know right from wrong
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and I love the young
lady that I'm with Stephanie,
00:12:35.75\00:12:40.29
and I also love my daughter.
00:12:40.32\00:12:43.32
And with me, I don't know,
00:12:43.36\00:12:46.56
being having a
child later on in life
00:12:46.59\00:12:50.97
I have Autumn when I was 40.
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So, it allowed me to see things,
00:12:54.64\00:12:56.64
I saw things in life.
00:12:56.67\00:12:59.27
And I've done things
00:12:59.31\00:13:00.64
and as well as me and Stephanie,
00:13:00.68\00:13:03.18
we've traveled together
00:13:03.21\00:13:04.55
and it's just got to me
00:13:04.58\00:13:10.82
brought her in my
life for a reason,
00:13:10.85\00:13:14.62
especially during
a time I lost my mom,
00:13:14.66\00:13:17.06
she was right there by my side.
00:13:17.09\00:13:18.43
She was very
supportive. She was.
00:13:18.46\00:13:19.93
Very supportive you know.
00:13:19.96\00:13:21.46
So, let me ask you this
in the commitment process.
00:13:21.50\00:13:24.97
What are you
committed to, you know,
00:13:25.00\00:13:26.74
not just being a good husband,
a good father, you know?
00:13:26.77\00:13:30.04
How does God play a
role in your relationship?
00:13:30.07\00:13:33.74
Is it important for you?
00:13:33.78\00:13:35.11
It is important.
00:13:35.14\00:13:36.48
Okay.
00:13:36.51\00:13:37.85
Stephanie has
instilled that in me
00:13:37.88\00:13:39.91
and sometimes I
don't want to go.
00:13:39.95\00:13:44.45
I'm tired, I'm all day at work.
00:13:44.49\00:13:48.42
And she just will give me a look
00:13:48.46\00:13:52.03
and we don't have to
say a word after that
00:13:52.06\00:13:54.66
I get dressed
and we go to church.
00:13:54.70\00:13:56.90
So in your relationship
recognizing the commitment
00:13:56.93\00:14:00.67
and divorce is
not an option here.
00:14:00.70\00:14:02.90
No.
00:14:02.94\00:14:04.27
Divorce is not even
going to be an option.
00:14:04.31\00:14:05.97
No, I don't, me personally,
I don't believe in that
00:14:06.01\00:14:08.91
and that's why
I've never been married
00:14:08.94\00:14:10.65
and I believe
when you get married,
00:14:10.68\00:14:12.68
it's forever.
00:14:12.71\00:14:14.05
It's forever.
00:14:14.08\00:14:15.42
Now, seeing and working in
domestic violence yourself,
00:14:15.45\00:14:18.29
how do you handle your temper,
you know, you have a toddler,
00:14:18.32\00:14:22.62
you are engaged to be married?
00:14:22.66\00:14:25.06
How do you deal with
your own communication
00:14:25.09\00:14:26.90
and your personality
because you're different?
00:14:26.93\00:14:30.80
It's hard and I
mean, dealing with work
00:14:30.83\00:14:35.57
and I'm constantly
trying to help people.
00:14:35.60\00:14:38.84
And, you know, I
come home and I say,
00:14:38.87\00:14:41.88
well, guess what
happened to me today.
00:14:41.91\00:14:43.75
I guess what happen
and you know I tried it.
00:14:43.78\00:14:46.58
That was one of my things, I
never try to bring work home.
00:14:46.61\00:14:51.22
But sometimes it
wears on you real hard
00:14:51.25\00:14:54.46
like the people I
really want to help
00:14:54.49\00:14:57.13
and out of the
people that I help
00:14:57.16\00:15:01.73
maybe out of ten, maybe
two will go all the way.
00:15:01.76\00:15:06.43
We see this thing all the way
through trial or circuit court
00:15:06.47\00:15:09.54
and certain scene and what not.
00:15:09.57\00:15:11.71
So, before I'll
leave the department,
00:15:11.74\00:15:15.61
I really want to
increase that number.
00:15:15.64\00:15:18.18
Yes. Yes.
00:15:18.21\00:15:19.98
How has counseling helped?
00:15:20.02\00:15:21.58
You know, it's not
about me, it's God.
00:15:21.62\00:15:23.85
God sent you here to
Kim Logan Communication.
00:15:23.89\00:15:26.49
How has counseling helped you?
00:15:26.52\00:15:28.39
Counseling has helped me.
00:15:28.42\00:15:30.73
It has mellowed me.
00:15:30.76\00:15:33.09
It kind of humbled me.
00:15:33.13\00:15:34.46
I mean, because for one,
00:15:34.50\00:15:37.30
I always thought
I don't need this.
00:15:37.33\00:15:41.60
If someone goes to
counseling, they have issues,
00:15:41.64\00:15:44.04
they've got
problems, they're crazy,
00:15:44.07\00:15:46.68
all of the above.
00:15:46.71\00:15:48.04
And it got to a
point in my relationship
00:15:48.08\00:15:51.91
where I needed this
00:15:51.95\00:15:54.08
and I don't have no regrets.
00:15:54.12\00:15:57.39
Well, I
appreciate that and I know
00:15:57.42\00:15:59.72
that God has
received all the glory.
00:15:59.75\00:16:02.52
Where do we go now?
00:16:02.56\00:16:03.89
You know, we've
been dealing with mom,
00:16:03.93\00:16:05.56
we're still dealing
with the bereavement process
00:16:05.59\00:16:09.20
and your relationship.
00:16:09.23\00:16:11.27
Are you going to
receive premarital counseling?
00:16:11.30\00:16:13.84
I am. All right.
00:16:13.87\00:16:15.20
We are. Yes.
00:16:15.24\00:16:16.57
All right, I'm
glad to hear that.
00:16:16.60\00:16:18.47
What is the
most important aspect
00:16:18.51\00:16:22.44
for your daughter Autumn?
00:16:22.48\00:16:23.81
What are your concerns for her?
00:16:23.85\00:16:26.75
My concerns for
her as she gets older
00:16:26.78\00:16:30.49
is to have a
strong family around her
00:16:30.52\00:16:37.59
because we're not going
to have anymore children,
00:16:37.63\00:16:41.60
and I just want her to see
what a close knit family is
00:16:41.63\00:16:46.87
and to know
that we're behind her
00:16:46.90\00:16:49.94
and, you know,
just, just behind her
00:16:49.97\00:16:53.58
to do great things.
00:16:53.61\00:16:55.34
Tell our viewers
what Autumn does at night.
00:16:55.38\00:16:58.61
You know, how she will
go through the whole process
00:16:58.65\00:17:00.68
not to go to bed?
00:17:00.72\00:17:02.22
Autumn doesn't want
to go to bed at a time,
00:17:02.25\00:17:04.52
so when it's time for
bed, we brush her teeth,
00:17:04.55\00:17:08.16
we wash her
face, read her a book,
00:17:08.19\00:17:12.53
sometimes two
books, say our prayers.
00:17:12.56\00:17:15.66
And she gets in a
bed and then she says,
00:17:15.70\00:17:18.87
"Daddy socks off."
00:17:18.90\00:17:21.40
I don't want socks on,
so she takes her socks off.
00:17:21.44\00:17:24.91
We lay down,
00:17:24.94\00:17:26.44
"Daddy, nose, I
have a nose running."
00:17:26.47\00:17:29.94
So I can never get out of
her, I said, "Look Autumn,
00:17:29.98\00:17:34.02
Daddy don't want to sleep
on the floor every night."
00:17:34.05\00:17:36.62
You sit right there
by her crate, her bed.
00:17:36.65\00:17:38.15
She says, "Daddy
down, Daddy, Daddy lay down.
00:17:38.19\00:17:41.09
Daddy lay down,"
for two years old.
00:17:41.12\00:17:43.56
"Daddy lay down."
00:17:43.59\00:17:45.59
And she'll stick her hand
now and say, "Hold Autumn hand."
00:17:45.63\00:17:49.40
Oh, giving orders. Yes.
00:17:49.43\00:17:51.33
And so you find
yourself, you know.
00:17:51.37\00:17:53.13
She puts me to sleep.
00:17:53.17\00:17:54.50
She puts you to sleep?
00:17:54.54\00:17:55.87
Yeah.
00:17:55.90\00:17:57.24
Stephanie watches
on the monitor and say,
00:17:57.27\00:17:58.81
oh, she just watches
you till you go to sleep.
00:17:58.84\00:18:01.61
She will patch her
head and she will roll over
00:18:01.64\00:18:04.05
and then she will go sleep.
00:18:04.08\00:18:05.41
'Cause she knows, she knows.
00:18:05.45\00:18:06.78
I love the part when you
say, "Going to get cover"
00:18:06.82\00:18:08.82
because she knows,
you're not coming back.
00:18:08.85\00:18:10.65
She says, because I don't sleep.
00:18:10.69\00:18:13.09
I've no cover on the
floor, she's under the cover,
00:18:13.12\00:18:15.19
that's okay, Autumn, goodnight.
00:18:15.22\00:18:16.96
She says, "Daddy go get cover."
00:18:16.99\00:18:19.86
I say, "Yeah."
00:18:19.89\00:18:21.23
She says, "Okay,
Daddy, I love you."
00:18:21.26\00:18:22.60
Oh.
00:18:22.63\00:18:23.97
So, she doesn't
know I'm not coming back.
00:18:24.00\00:18:25.33
I know you would be devastated
00:18:25.37\00:18:27.07
if a man put his
hands on your daughter.
00:18:27.10\00:18:28.87
Yes.
00:18:28.90\00:18:30.24
And being a police officer
and what you see every day
00:18:30.27\00:18:33.94
to the type of person
you want her to become,
00:18:33.98\00:18:36.04
and the type of person
00:18:36.08\00:18:37.41
you would like for
her to someday date,
00:18:37.45\00:18:39.35
who will honor
her and cherish her.
00:18:39.38\00:18:41.48
And that will come from
your example, all right.
00:18:41.52\00:18:44.49
When we talk
about also your goals,
00:18:44.52\00:18:47.56
your vision for your life.
00:18:47.59\00:18:49.06
What's next for you
your vision, you know,
00:18:49.09\00:18:52.03
for your career
aspirations for Donald?
00:18:52.06\00:18:55.56
Donald, like to
eventually one day get promoted
00:18:55.60\00:18:59.73
to the rank of detective
00:18:59.77\00:19:01.94
which basically
what I'm doing now
00:19:01.97\00:19:04.51
but I have a
title of police officer.
00:19:04.54\00:19:07.64
I do detective work.
00:19:07.68\00:19:09.01
And our new chief
instituted a rank of detective.
00:19:09.04\00:19:12.95
So they're in a
process of selecting
00:19:12.98\00:19:15.88
and appointing people
for the rank of detective.
00:19:15.92\00:19:18.92
Yes, yes. That's exciting. Yes.
00:19:18.95\00:19:21.12
You know, I know when I
first-- When you first came in,
00:19:21.16\00:19:23.36
I ask you do you carry a weapon?
00:19:23.39\00:19:24.73
You say, yes, you do
00:19:24.76\00:19:26.09
and I remember all of for
like months I never saw it
00:19:26.13\00:19:28.60
and one day I saw it.
00:19:28.63\00:19:30.07
And you covered it up
00:19:30.10\00:19:31.43
and I was like I
felt so safe you know.
00:19:31.47\00:19:34.00
But I know you
put your weapon away
00:19:34.04\00:19:36.14
when you're not on duty.
00:19:36.17\00:19:38.07
Have you ever
been in a situation
00:19:38.11\00:19:39.44
where you had to use
your weapon off duty?
00:19:39.47\00:19:43.11
No, and I'm very
thankful of that.
00:19:43.14\00:19:45.95
There has been a
couple of occasions
00:19:45.98\00:19:50.12
where I thought something
was about to happen, you know.
00:19:50.15\00:19:53.79
It's just your
senses of a police officer,
00:19:53.82\00:19:55.96
you just, it's training
that always sticks with you.
00:19:55.99\00:20:00.16
You just sense
something about to happen
00:20:00.20\00:20:02.43
and luckily it was
defused for not mistake him.
00:20:02.46\00:20:09.37
It just so happen to
be a squad car in area.
00:20:09.40\00:20:11.87
That was a blessing. Yes.
00:20:11.91\00:20:13.31
Let me suggest why I
see us going in counseling.
00:20:13.34\00:20:16.68
Recognizing that in
our behavior change,
00:20:16.71\00:20:20.02
you've made certain decisions
00:20:20.05\00:20:21.82
to come to counseling
to be able to recognize,
00:20:21.85\00:20:25.69
that your mother
has left this earth.
00:20:25.72\00:20:28.99
And now, moving to the point
00:20:29.02\00:20:30.36
where we have to
accept her passing.
00:20:30.39\00:20:32.89
We're going to have
to maybe take an alley
00:20:32.93\00:20:34.93
to go to the house and be
able to walk on that porch.
00:20:34.96\00:20:38.23
Take those steps, so that
you can begin to recognize
00:20:38.27\00:20:41.44
and you're not a man
who is not afraid to cry,
00:20:41.47\00:20:44.07
I've seen your tears.
00:20:44.11\00:20:45.71
And so, that's a
part of your healing.
00:20:45.74\00:20:47.81
The other aspect is
being able to work through
00:20:47.84\00:20:51.71
all the things you're
doing for your future marriage,
00:20:51.75\00:20:55.08
so that we don't
have any relapses.
00:20:55.12\00:20:57.69
And then we will close out.
00:20:57.72\00:21:00.09
I will always be here for you.
00:21:00.12\00:21:01.62
Yes, yeah, okay.
00:21:01.66\00:21:03.63
Yeah, okay, long as you
say you will always be there.
00:21:03.66\00:21:05.13
I'll always be.
00:21:05.16\00:21:07.63
Feels so wonderful to
have been drawn to you.
00:21:07.66\00:21:11.03
Oh, praise God,
Donald. Thank you so much.
00:21:11.07\00:21:13.64
Well listen, our time is over
but I just want to thank you,
00:21:13.67\00:21:16.67
I thank you for
all your commitment,
00:21:16.71\00:21:19.11
your hard work.
00:21:19.14\00:21:20.48
And I see the
measurement from zero to seven,
00:21:20.51\00:21:22.94
so let's keep going, all right.
00:21:22.98\00:21:24.31
Let's keep going.
Thank you, Donald.
00:21:24.35\00:21:25.68
God bless you. Thank you.
00:21:25.71\00:21:27.35
And the Bible's says
in 2 Chronicles 20:15.
00:21:31.25\00:21:36.16
"For the battle is
not mine, it is the Lord."
00:21:36.19\00:21:39.43
Let me say that
again, 2 Chronicles 20:15,
00:21:39.46\00:21:42.46
look that up, "For
the battle is not mine,
00:21:42.50\00:21:45.83
it is the Lord."
00:21:45.87\00:21:47.34
And when we think about
pain that we go through,
00:21:47.37\00:21:49.27
we have to recognize,
00:21:49.30\00:21:50.71
God will not put more on
us than what we can bear.
00:21:50.74\00:21:53.61
Amen, Arthur? Amen.
00:21:53.64\00:21:55.68
And I think about Donald
00:21:55.71\00:21:57.05
and all that he has gone through
00:21:57.08\00:21:58.55
and what he went through,
00:21:58.58\00:21:59.91
and how he has to still survive.
00:21:59.95\00:22:01.48
You know, being
a police officer,
00:22:01.52\00:22:03.12
every day he has to
deal with some type of loss
00:22:03.15\00:22:06.32
and seeing it.
00:22:06.35\00:22:07.69
And I think there
was one of the things
00:22:07.72\00:22:09.12
that was really bothering him.
00:22:09.16\00:22:12.09
He was having
difficulty separating the two.
00:22:12.13\00:22:16.53
And sometimes when
you're going through
00:22:16.56\00:22:18.37
a grieving processes
and you're still in a job,
00:22:18.40\00:22:21.37
it could be a
little bit taxing you know.
00:22:21.40\00:22:23.74
Most definitely.
00:22:23.77\00:22:25.11
In many cases, I
really do believe
00:22:25.14\00:22:27.48
that you definitely
need some time off of work,
00:22:27.51\00:22:31.85
especially losing someone
00:22:31.88\00:22:33.58
that's extremely
close to you, you know.
00:22:33.62\00:22:35.28
Like losing his
mother, you know.
00:22:35.32\00:22:37.05
And again like I said earlier,
00:22:37.09\00:22:38.79
Donald had
recently lost his mother.
00:22:38.82\00:22:41.79
And then a few weeks
later I lost my mother.
00:22:41.82\00:22:44.69
And it was very
difficult coming back
00:22:44.73\00:22:46.49
because I really didn't
want to start seeing patients
00:22:46.53\00:22:49.36
or clients again right away.
00:22:49.40\00:22:51.53
And but God said that
the battle is not yours,
00:22:51.57\00:22:54.50
Kim, it is mine.
00:22:54.54\00:22:55.87
And so, I called Donald.
00:22:55.90\00:22:57.24
Well, Donald
has been calling me.
00:22:57.27\00:22:58.61
I really need a therapy session,
00:22:58.64\00:23:00.11
I really need to see you.
00:23:00.14\00:23:01.64
And I had to really
pray, I had to pray, Arthur,
00:23:01.68\00:23:04.81
and to go back into my office,
and start seeing clients.
00:23:04.85\00:23:07.98
Then not only that, we see
like two or three more people
00:23:08.02\00:23:11.85
who just lost their
mother so it made me
00:23:11.89\00:23:14.09
really focus on
God's ability to heal.
00:23:14.12\00:23:17.36
And not just
wallowing in my own sadness.
00:23:17.39\00:23:19.73
Well, I think with Donald,
it was basically, here he is,
00:23:19.76\00:23:23.87
he is in a very difficult
position as a police officer,
00:23:23.90\00:23:28.64
and he see people that
are going through tragedies
00:23:28.67\00:23:32.07
on a consistent basis.
00:23:32.11\00:23:34.04
And then to separate that,
that's extremely difficult.
00:23:34.08\00:23:37.95
Even with you, I
mean to the point
00:23:37.98\00:23:39.75
where you have
people coming to you
00:23:39.78\00:23:41.45
that may be in
grief state of being.
00:23:41.48\00:23:45.55
And yet, you had to acknowledge
the fact that you lost someone,
00:23:45.59\00:23:51.36
but you have to move
yourself out of the way.
00:23:51.39\00:23:53.40
Now, that's the key.
00:23:53.43\00:23:54.76
You know, are you able to
do that and do it successfully.
00:23:54.80\00:23:57.50
All right. All right.
00:23:57.53\00:23:58.87
If you're not able
to do it successfully,
00:23:58.90\00:24:00.24
then you're causing more stress,
00:24:00.27\00:24:02.10
then you can go into depression.
00:24:02.14\00:24:04.64
That can really
affect your judgment.
00:24:04.67\00:24:06.54
That's a good...
that's a very good point.
00:24:06.57\00:24:08.34
I remember one lady
came in right after Donald,
00:24:08.38\00:24:10.95
and I was sitting in my office.
00:24:10.98\00:24:12.45
And she began to speak.
00:24:12.48\00:24:14.08
And as I was listening,
00:24:14.12\00:24:15.45
I was doing just like
this listening to her.
00:24:15.48\00:24:17.95
She said, "But
you don't understand.
00:24:17.99\00:24:19.82
You don't understand,
everyone says they understand,
00:24:19.85\00:24:21.62
but you don't understand."
00:24:21.66\00:24:22.99
And I say, "What
don't I understand?"
00:24:23.02\00:24:24.66
"You don't know what it
feels like to lose your mother."
00:24:24.69\00:24:26.93
And I looked at her.
00:24:26.96\00:24:28.30
And I said, "My mom
passed 12 days ago."
00:24:28.33\00:24:31.70
And she just, "Oh,
I'm so sorry, Dr. Logan."
00:24:31.73\00:24:35.27
I said, "That's
okay you didn't know."
00:24:35.30\00:24:36.91
But I do understand.
00:24:36.94\00:24:38.61
So, that was the tool I
was able to use to help her
00:24:38.64\00:24:41.54
because going through it
myself same thing with Donald
00:24:41.58\00:24:45.21
helping him not only recognize
00:24:45.25\00:24:47.78
but not to isolate
himself is very important
00:24:47.82\00:24:50.89
is that this is a
very important solution
00:24:50.92\00:24:54.22
that we have to look at.
00:24:54.26\00:24:55.59
Don't isolate yourself
as you're going through
00:24:55.62\00:24:58.39
the grief process because it's
easy to just cut everyone off.
00:24:58.43\00:25:01.80
Well, once again we're
talking about isolation,
00:25:01.83\00:25:04.90
and we're also talking
about being able to recognize,
00:25:04.93\00:25:08.00
it is not just that easy.
00:25:08.04\00:25:10.51
You may not be able to see
what's going on in your life.
00:25:10.54\00:25:14.01
You know, you may be struggling
00:25:14.04\00:25:15.61
and think that
you're still productive
00:25:15.64\00:25:17.95
and you're not really productive
00:25:17.98\00:25:19.35
but you have people around you,
00:25:19.38\00:25:20.82
they have noticed
that there's a difference
00:25:20.85\00:25:23.49
in the things that you do.
00:25:23.52\00:25:25.69
So, I mean, it
was really important
00:25:25.72\00:25:29.29
that Donald made the decision,
00:25:29.32\00:25:31.49
you know, to discuss
the situation with you,
00:25:31.53\00:25:34.40
even though he originally
came to you for another reason.
00:25:34.43\00:25:37.73
That's right.
00:25:37.77\00:25:39.10
And that the death
of his mom occurred
00:25:39.13\00:25:41.44
while he was in therapy.
00:25:41.47\00:25:43.24
But yet, he allowed himself
to release the information.
00:25:43.27\00:25:47.84
Yes, he was very
transparent and wanted the help.
00:25:47.88\00:25:50.51
He cried many times.
00:25:50.55\00:25:52.05
You know, crying is healthy,
it's good, it's healing.
00:25:52.08\00:25:55.42
God gave us tears
to release our pain.
00:25:55.45\00:25:58.19
Another solution,
Arthur, in dealing with grief.
00:25:58.22\00:26:00.49
Well, I think basically,
it's to have a support system.
00:26:00.52\00:26:04.06
Excellent, excellent.
00:26:04.09\00:26:05.43
You know, and that's
really important too,
00:26:05.46\00:26:07.50
whether it be the church or
somebody that's really close to
00:26:07.53\00:26:11.17
that can offer you
some legitimate support.
00:26:11.20\00:26:14.60
We're not talking
about somebody that,
00:26:14.64\00:26:16.50
you know, that
say they understand.
00:26:16.54\00:26:18.91
But really
they're really tied up
00:26:18.94\00:26:21.31
with what's going
on in their own life
00:26:21.34\00:26:22.91
and they really
can't really listen to you.
00:26:22.94\00:26:26.01
Okay, I understand the grief
that you may be experiencing.
00:26:26.05\00:26:29.58
So you have to
be careful and pick
00:26:29.62\00:26:31.09
the right support system,
00:26:31.12\00:26:32.62
a support system
that's going to allow you
00:26:32.65\00:26:35.76
to feel like
somebody else is really caring
00:26:35.79\00:26:38.83
about what's
going on in your life.
00:26:38.86\00:26:40.50
And there's no better
support system than God.
00:26:40.53\00:26:43.40
Seeking the Holy
Spirit, again seeking
00:26:43.43\00:26:45.63
first the kingdom of God
in all His righteousness,
00:26:45.67\00:26:48.24
and all things shall be added.
00:26:48.27\00:26:49.77
I want to read
this scripture to you.
00:26:49.80\00:26:51.87
You have your
Bibles with you right now.
00:26:51.91\00:26:54.04
Jeremiah 29:11,
"For I know the thoughts
00:26:54.08\00:26:58.58
that I think
toward you, saith Jehovah,
00:26:58.61\00:27:02.25
thoughts of peace, and not evil,
00:27:02.28\00:27:04.39
to give you hope
in the latter end."
00:27:04.42\00:27:06.49
God wants nothing but the best.
00:27:06.52\00:27:08.46
I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin.
00:27:08.49\00:27:10.13
I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:27:10.16\00:27:11.49
God bless.
00:27:11.53\00:27:12.86