Participants: Arthur Nowlin (Host), Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin (Host), Candace Bone
Series Code: MIW
Program Code: MIW000043A
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00:01 Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin. And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:04 And welcome to "Making It Work." 00:40 Making It Work deals with a lot of dynamics. 00:43 Today, we are going to talk about 00:45 lifting burdens, surviving abuse. 00:49 Today, on our broadcast we have Candace Bone. 00:53 Welcome, Candace, to the program. 00:55 Thank you for having me. 00:56 How you doing? I'm good. How are you? 00:58 Excellent. 00:59 I have known you since you were six-years-old. 01:01 Seven. 01:04 Six. 01:06 Oh, I thought seven. 01:08 I know when I met you and I know how I met you. 01:13 I have looked at you grow over the years, 01:15 I've seen you grow off to college, 01:18 you were Ms. Peterson, crowned the queen. 01:21 I was there. That's right, you was. 01:23 That's right. You stay with me. 01:25 Okay. 01:26 And seen you grow off 01:28 to Oakwood College in Huntsville, Alabama 01:30 now Oakwood University earning a Bachelors of Arts degree. 01:34 Social work. Social work. 01:37 But it was the Bachelor of Arts or Bachelor of Science. 01:39 BSW. A BSW. 01:41 Bachelor of Science, social work 01:43 and returning back home and from there story begins. 01:49 Yes. 01:50 We want you to share your testimony with our viewers 01:53 on Making It Work. 01:54 Would you do that for us? 01:56 Yes. 01:58 I returned from Oakwood college in 2001 02:03 ready to take this journey of life. 02:08 I love Oakwood, not married, not engaged, 02:11 now without a boyfriend 02:13 and I thought when you went to Oakwood 02:16 you are supposed to get one of those. 02:18 One of those. One of those. 02:20 Anyhow but I embarked in the work, 02:24 I guess someone called the real world. 02:28 Face the challenges... 02:31 of peer pressure 02:32 because before I never felt what peer pressure was. 02:35 I was in school, 02:37 I was raised in a Adventist school Peterson-Warren Academy, 02:39 I went to Oakwood. 02:40 So the principles my parents taught me were there. 02:43 There was no one saying hey, come on let's drink. 02:48 Come on let's have premarital sex, 02:50 there is no one saying let's get in fights. 02:53 I didn't have that. 02:54 So I was protected in a way. 02:58 When I came home... 03:03 I was a victim of sexual assault first 03:05 by a visitor of our church. 03:08 I trusted... 03:11 that within the walls of my church I was protected, 03:15 little did I know that... 03:19 strangers, predators come to church as well. 03:23 So after that sexual assault I remember basically 03:27 kind of turning away from God 03:28 because here I had kept myself pure, 03:34 a virgin follow what God had told me to 03:37 and I said, how could this happen to me 03:39 a daughter of a teacher of a Adventist school. 03:43 My home was together, my parents are still married 03:45 going on 40 years, how can this happen to me 03:49 and I was ashamed 03:50 because I thought I should know him better. 03:54 So I went from there to not trusting anyone, 03:59 not trusting to talk to anyone about what I was feeling, 04:02 the pain I was feeling. 04:04 I didn't talk to my parents about what happened. 04:07 I just went on ahead because I felt ashamed. 04:11 So business as usual? Business as usual. 04:13 I was the Sabbath school teacher 04:16 for the kindergarten class 04:18 and I became the choir director for the children 04:22 and I just went on like let me go ahead in continuing to act 04:27 and praise God but still feeling fearful on the inside. 04:31 So that-- 04:33 Let me just stop you there, 04:34 and you had just finished your degree in social work. 04:37 Yes. 04:38 And were you working in social work? 04:40 Yes, I was. 04:41 So you know the theories and the principles 04:43 and how to help people 04:45 but you did not applied to your own life. 04:47 I did not know how to help myself. 04:49 Okay. 04:50 I even at Oakwood I had worked with domestic violence group, 04:56 answering phone calls, crisis hotline, 04:59 I knew everything that's why I believe 05:01 I was ashamed because I said, Candace suppose know better. 05:04 You were supposed to see the signs of this coming 05:07 someway, somehow. 05:08 So I was ashamed but I went on here, 05:12 I call myself pressing through moving forward 05:16 but inside I was hurting and I was scared. 05:19 Did you get to a point where you ever tried to... 05:25 consider charging any charges against this person or? 05:29 No. 05:32 I was-- fear is something. 05:35 You know, you see it in the movies 05:37 where you say, hey, you're gonna run 05:40 when you see that person coming for you 05:43 but the woman usually falls down, she screams in 05:47 or she doesn't say anything. 05:48 So that fear because I felt like, 05:52 may be I did something wrong 05:55 and I was afraid of people judging me. 05:57 It kept me from just talking, talking about it 06:01 and what would I say. 06:02 I went on a date with a guy I have just met, 06:04 he was in the church and this is what happened. 06:07 I mean, I didn't know 06:09 neither I speak about it, it makes sense. 06:11 Okay, go press charges but at the end I was only 21. 06:14 I said, well, what am I supposed to say. 06:16 This person ever, did he ever come back around the church 06:20 or have you seen him after this? 06:24 After that occurred I think I saw him 06:28 I think two months have passed he was at the church again 06:31 hence I could have fell down the stairs. 06:34 I remember walking my church, home church is City Temple, 06:38 Detroit, Michigan so I remember walking up one set of our 06:41 stairs to our sanctuary and then there is another set 06:44 across way and as I was walking up I saw him 06:48 standing in the west view I stopped, 06:50 I walked out the door and went home that day. 06:53 I said oh, he is here. 06:56 Then years passed and I ran into him in a public place 07:00 and I believe he was with the probation office 07:01 because the lady told me, she came to me 07:04 because he came to speak to me, she said, ma'am, 07:06 why are you talking to this man, 07:08 don't you know he is a rapist. 07:09 And I stopped and said, oh, wow, 07:12 at least somebody else knows they left him like that. 07:14 The probation office told you? 07:15 I believe she was because for her to say 07:17 that type of information just come out and say, 07:19 it was just all right, how did you know 07:23 what I know where I kept inside. 07:25 So that's some kind of where that's ended. 07:30 Prayerfully that's where that has ended 07:32 but I haven't seen that individual for years, 07:35 years, years. 07:37 So after that having the fear, having the shame I... 07:43 and not trusting people 07:45 I did not turn to guys in the church till date, 07:50 I was cautious and I turned to people of the outside, 07:57 the guys who I guess felt like they could be somebody outpour, 08:02 they just had a certain look about that wasn't, 08:05 hey, I'm innocent and there you come in for me, 08:10 I kind of knew who you are from the get go. 08:12 So that's kind of the way I turned to after that. 08:16 So I introduced relationship with a gentleman. 08:19 I was in a relationship for about eight years 08:23 and when first started off it was everything 08:25 I guess I wanted it to be. 08:27 We had premarital sex, it was carefree, 08:33 it didn't have nay really strings attached. 08:39 Into the relationship my name wasn't Candace, 08:43 I was called the derogatory names 08:46 the "B" word the "H" word, the "C" word, 08:53 stuff I never thought I will hear 08:57 but because I felt below anything, 08:59 because of the sexual assault I didn't-- 09:03 I just took it though my parents told me 09:05 you are child of God 09:06 and they told me daily you are beautiful. 09:11 Outside of them I just like, I didn't believe it. 09:12 I didn't believe it all. 09:13 So anyhow I went on in this relationship 09:19 but still in church, 09:21 still performing my duties in the church. 09:27 Still smiling every Sabbath. 09:30 But I looked forward to coming to church, 09:32 you know, I look forward to coming to church 09:33 because there was this burden on me that I want to live. 09:37 Everything I did through the week 09:38 I kind of want to get rid of it 09:40 but I didn't know what to say or how to say. 09:43 I went to church to pray like, Lord, 09:45 please let him be nice to me, you know. 09:47 Please let me find a way to comfort him. 09:51 Please let me be better, 09:54 you know, I was praying that prayer 09:56 instead of get me out that kind of thing. 09:59 So anyhow I went on through this relationship and... 10:05 yeah, I just... 10:08 I was hit. 10:09 I was pushed around and it wasn't a every day thing, 10:14 it was just demeaning, you know, into the point 10:19 I just lost myself worth 10:21 and then I have to start thinking I'm a social worker, 10:23 I would go into the clients homes to tell them, 10:26 you need to get out of this abusive relationship 10:28 but I'm getting one myself, you know. 10:30 How did you feel when you first got him though, Candace, 10:33 I mean, was it, you know, 10:35 something that you just accepted or you know? 10:41 When I first got hit I felt... 10:46 unwell. 10:49 I remember what brought about it. 10:51 We had moved in together... 10:55 because I thought I was supposed to be 10:56 a certain girlfriend. 10:58 I didn't know really how to be a girlfriend 10:59 because I didn't date in the college 11:01 and I didn't have the dating experience at high school 11:04 because my mom was a teacher. 11:06 My dad said, this isn't happening until you graduate. 11:08 So I didn't have the experience to say, 11:11 hey, this isn't supposed to be or whatever 11:13 so what I had was just by television 11:16 of what things are suppose to happen. 11:18 So... 11:20 with arguments came disagreements. 11:23 I said, this is how we are supposed to argue, 11:24 is this what supposed to happen. 11:27 When he lost his home in foreclosure... 11:31 I said, I'm supposed to be super girlfriend 11:33 and allow him to move in with me though I knew it was wrong. 11:37 But what am I supposed to do? 11:40 I think this is what I'm supposed to do. 11:41 You're supposed to support the man you are with 11:43 and lift him up and get them going. 11:46 And maybe if I did this he will be nicer to me, 11:49 just may be. 11:50 So when the first hit was unwell 11:52 because I've done all this. 11:53 I have being so kind, 11:55 I haven't fought you back or anything 11:58 and I felt I didn't deserved to be hit 12:03 but I didn't know who to turn to 12:05 because in domestic violence relationships, 12:08 I have studied though domestic violence well 12:10 when I was a counselor. 12:11 So I have been isolated by this time from my friends, 12:17 the individual found fault with everybody in my circle, 12:21 my parents, my brother, 12:24 my sister, anybody, my church. 12:29 Everything that identified me he found fault with 12:33 and it could start it with like maybe a simple complaint 12:36 I may have said like, I'm so tired of this person 12:40 doing this, that and he will piggyback on it 12:44 and every time I brought that person's name 12:46 he will bring up a negative, 12:48 the negative thing they may have done. 12:51 So when he first hit me I knew I didn't deserved it 12:55 but I didn't know who to turn to 12:56 because I had isolated myself 12:59 and I had a shallow relationship 13:02 with just about everyone. 13:04 Hello, how are you doing? Oh, kind of good to see you. 13:07 Those way and keep on moving. 13:09 You know, I saw my parents probably twice a week 13:13 because I moved out and then I would go to work, 13:16 work like 16 hours a day and came back home. 13:21 And after doing this but once again who do I turn to? 13:24 Everyone told me, you know. 13:27 The first time he clenched his fist at me my mom was there 13:32 and she said, he is gonna hit you one day 13:34 and I didn't believe it. 13:36 I said, no, he won't hit me. 13:38 I just said, my mom was being unfair, 13:40 she just didn't want me have a boyfriend, 13:42 they want me to-- you know, didn't want to let go of 13:45 being a mom and I was just kept saying, "I'm grown. 13:48 I know what I'm doing." 13:50 She said, mark my words, Candace, he is gonna hit you. 13:53 So when he did... 13:56 I didn't want to have that, 13:58 I told you so conversation with her. 14:00 So I kept inside 14:01 just like the sexual assault I kept inside. 14:06 I'm gonna pray my way out of this one is what I thought. 14:09 Let me pray my way out and figure way how 14:13 but I'm gonna pray my way out of this situation. 14:16 You know, through it all God protect me. 14:18 I'm here today, you know, He has protected me 14:22 but were are times and that He did let me, 14:26 He gave me the way out because, but because 14:28 I have been put in this prison of shame 14:30 inside myself, I can't see it. 14:33 Candace, there was no one, I mean, 14:35 I was your choir director, 14:36 I would see you at choir rehearsal. 14:39 You would sign, smile, concerts... 14:44 and that worries me 14:46 that you couldn't even come to Brother Nowlin and I. 14:49 You know, and this is what our young people are facing today. 14:53 Who do they turn to? 14:54 Who can they talk to 14:55 and feel safe to be able to come to him and feel protected. 14:59 You know, and it devastates me that, 15:02 you know, you in my home every Tuesday and I never saw it, 15:06 I never picked up on it. 15:08 Dr, Logan, it-- how can I put it. 15:15 I felt I was doing wrong because I was cohabitating, 15:20 that's wrong and I was having premarital sex. 15:24 So you have this-- 15:26 of course we know "The wages of sin is death" 15:28 so I felt like this was basically what I chose. 15:32 Not that I deserved to be abused 15:34 but because I had set that aligned to God have for me 15:37 the bad things start to come in my way 15:40 in a way I deserve this so I take it back. 15:42 I knew I didn't deserve it but as far as what I felt 15:46 spiritual ramification should be that maybe 15:50 this is what you get, this is what you deserve. 15:51 A punishment. 15:53 Yes, a punishment because I stepped out of God's will. 15:56 That's when, there was a time 15:58 when you stopped coming to church? 16:00 Yes. 16:02 Like I said... 16:04 I had shut down from everyone, 16:06 good friends and... 16:09 church became a problem. 16:11 Now one, I still didn't trust church 16:14 because of the sexual assault that occurred. 16:16 So when... 16:20 the person I was dating 16:22 continued to make negative comments about me 16:24 getting up in the morning to go to church 16:26 or for Sabbath service, it became easy 16:30 just to say, let it go. 16:31 You know, you know, when you go there 16:34 you are not feeling the warmth, the love, so just let it go. 16:39 Stop going, stop being fake because it is hard, 16:43 it is hard to make up your faith, 16:46 not just with foundation and mascara, whatever, 16:49 it's hard to make up your face, to lie to everyone 16:52 and say you are okay. 16:53 So just let it go. 16:55 Like I would need to go, I would just sit at home, 16:59 relax this weekend, get my mind straight. 17:03 So kind of with abuse I was working 16 hours a day. 17:07 So... 17:09 weekends which came really a day of rest, 17:12 I'm tired and I'm exhausted, I can't push myself out of bed 17:18 and I would say we'll stay away from that individual 17:20 during the time. 17:21 The more I'm working the busy I'm, 17:23 the less you have reason to find to fight with me, 17:26 so we don't have these fights, 17:28 so we don't have these arguments or so. 17:31 And I was-- I felt like I was going as merry-go-round 17:33 I just can't get off, just going and going and going 17:37 and just held my head, I wish this would stop. 17:41 Most humiliated time came... 17:45 one of our arguments was caught on the voicemail, 17:48 I had called my brother and sister-in-law, 17:51 I just came back from Alabama and I called them 17:53 knowing them I made it and I didn't get them 17:58 and I thought I hung up the phone 18:00 and here he was just yelling everything at me and I-- 18:07 You had just come back? 18:08 I had just came back, he wasn't even the part of the trip. 18:11 I just came back like hey, I'm your girlfriend, 18:13 aren't you happy to see me and he just had attitude 18:17 as soon as I, you know, got in the car and he started 18:21 like I can't remember those words but, you know, he yelled. 18:24 He didn't hit me that night, he just yelled 18:26 and yelled and yelled. 18:28 And to the point okay, I didn't know my-- 18:32 you know, my sibling, my sister-in-law heard it. 18:34 So they contact my parents 18:37 and that's when my parents came to know 18:38 what I was really going on. 18:40 So they contact my parents, parents got over to my home 18:44 and I just like, here's my out, right, 18:48 but I was like, no he didn't do this. 18:50 I was fearful then. Like, no, that didn't happen. 18:54 It wasn't as bad as it was 18:55 because it wasn't as bad as it was, 18:57 who says argument just to save the day to me. 19:00 It wasn't I'm getting pounded or anything so I was like, 19:03 no, it's not this, it's not that. 19:05 And so my dad just said, you know, Candace, 19:07 I don't want to go to jail but I will. 19:10 I will for you. 19:11 Now I said, daddy, I understand 19:13 but them I tried to handle things on my own 19:15 as I could fix this, I could pray through it, 19:17 I can do this but I couldn't. 19:21 You know, I couldn't do it. So-- 19:23 Did your dad and mom talk to both of you together or? 19:27 My dad did and at the time I kept denying that I'd been hit. 19:32 Okay. 19:35 But you know, my dad and my dad is wonderful. 19:38 He could fix anything. 19:40 So dad would talk to him 19:41 and it seemed like things would go well for a minute 19:45 but, you know, he'll make comments about, 19:50 you're gonna run to your family to fix this. 19:52 you're gonna go crying home to mommy and daddy 19:54 and I'm like well, I want to be grown woman. 19:56 I want to show that I could be independent. 19:58 So once again you are attacking who I am, what I've become. 20:03 So just turning down, you know, and I could take caution away 20:08 because I had handled first situation with counseling, 20:13 we are talking to people, 20:15 there are doubts seriously that I would, 20:18 you know, I've even gotten into that relationship 20:20 because I would have, I haven't felt the same. 20:22 You know, I would have known I have support, you know. 20:25 So you are saying that if you had made effort, 20:29 you know, to get premarital counseling 20:31 or when this started happening to receive counseling 20:36 it would have been better for you. 20:37 I do think so. Okay. 20:39 If I have spoke about it. Okay. 20:41 If I just said something. 20:44 It's so funny last night, 20:46 you know, I will say this quickly, 20:48 I put on Facebook my status I want a chocolate brownie 20:52 but I had to say it because holding that in all day 20:55 just made the craving just grow and grow, grow. 20:58 When I finally put on my Facebook 21:00 oh, I'm okay, I'm fine. 21:01 The chocolate craving is gone and that's kind of 21:05 how I feel now about anything or going through something 21:08 struggling just let it out, say it, it gives you the power 21:12 because it's like, it's not trapped inside of you biting. 21:15 I mean, you know, because it is so tussle, 21:18 felt like I was at a spiritual war all the time. 21:21 So now that's here, 21:23 now that I speak I'm no longer in fear. 21:25 You know, now I say, hey, I was a victim of sexual assault 21:29 and I'm a social worker. 21:31 It happens. Candace, let me ask you this. 21:34 How did the-- we have about six minutes, 21:36 how did the relationship end, how did you get out 21:39 and was he the father of your child? 21:42 Okay. 21:43 Yes, I'm a mom... That's a wonderful thing. 21:48 Yes, he is the father of my child. 21:50 When I had my son... 21:53 I learned to love something more than myself. 21:58 And because I wasn't loving me 22:02 loving this beautiful baby 22:06 made me kind of love myself more to say, 22:08 you know, this isn't the life you want for him. 22:12 There wasn't life I wanted for myself. 22:15 I kind of plot it away to get out. 22:17 I-- as for domestic violence, 22:20 you know, sometimes when you leave breathily 22:22 it could lead to death or more violence. 22:25 So I... 22:28 it took basically like almost a year and half to leave. 22:31 I stop paying the rent of the apartment 22:35 so we could get evicted though I have plenty of money 22:38 I just stop paying it. 22:39 So we are evicted, 22:40 he had to go his way I had to go my way. 22:42 I went back home to my parents and I remained there 22:47 under their protective covering and... 22:52 after a while he became really frustrated like he saw 22:55 that we weren't move little together. 22:57 I started calling the police when threats came 23:02 and I finally press charges for my personal protection order 23:08 and basically that's kind of where the relationship ended, 23:12 it stopped. 23:13 And I started talking to people, 23:15 started talking to mom, 23:17 started talking to my dad, my brothers and sisters, 23:20 church members what I was going through 23:22 and I just... 23:26 because even sometimes at my workplace he will show up. 23:30 And when I started telling people at work 23:32 what was happening-- 23:33 I even work for some of my church members for a while 23:35 and he showed up and it was just known like 23:39 hey, this isn't supposed to happen 23:40 so now my circle began to build 23:43 and people started looking out for me 23:47 when I didn't look after myself they were looking out for me. 23:49 So that's how the relationship ended. 23:52 It was just getting the power speaking about it, 23:55 knowing what I deserved, 23:56 knowing that I wanted better for my son. 23:59 You know, he say, hey, 24:00 he shouldn't be in the single parent home. 24:02 These are statistics he will be in prison, 24:05 he will probably you be on drugs 24:08 because this is statistical single parent. 24:11 Now well, we saw what happens 24:13 if he is in a domestic violence home 24:15 this is not gonna happen. 24:17 So that's where the relationship ended. 24:20 So what about him seeing his son, 24:23 you know, how does that work? 24:25 Well, we have a custody order right now 24:29 and we exchange the child through third party. 24:33 We also-- he sees him sometimes, 24:35 he not assisted with it, where to see him 24:38 but prayerfully, you know, I just want my son to know 24:41 that he is loved and we are still in the world 24:44 where mom, dad is the standard that all kids should have 24:50 and I don't want he feel that he is missing out. 24:52 So well, he watches television and says, 24:54 hey, they have a daddy. 24:56 I'm like, yeah, so do you. 24:59 So I communicate to my son in love 25:01 and if this individual as his father goes through 25:05 whatever journey of life it's not my problem right now. 25:09 Prayerfully he will make it back to being a dad, 25:13 prayerfully just like I had to grow and realize my worth. 25:16 Prayerfully that he will learn the worth of people, 25:19 his worth and become the father that our son deserves. 25:24 So where is Candace now? Where is Candace? 25:26 Candace is back in the church. 25:28 Yeah, I am. 25:30 Candace is good. Candace is good. 25:32 Candace is... 25:34 I'm back in the church 25:36 and I'm really back in the church 25:37 and I'm not just faking. 25:40 I'm, I'm the choir director of the kids 25:43 and leader of ventures 25:46 and part of God's Hands of Praise and I feel comfortable 25:52 because I'm me, I'm no longer rejecting me. 25:54 I'm who I'm, this is what I've always been. 25:56 Anybody that's fix against my church 25:58 I really don't deal with them 26:00 because I say I don't need anybody to tackle 26:01 what I've learned, what I've grown, what I know 26:05 and so sis, I don't really slam out someone, 26:08 people who have used me, I'm good. 26:10 You are good. You are healthy. Excellent. 26:11 I'm good. I'm so good. 26:13 Any relationships? 26:14 No, I'm not in a relationship. 26:16 And still. I will be as still. 26:18 I so loved me. Okay, this is great. 26:21 I appreciate the fact that, 26:23 you know, where you are right now 26:25 and you are able to appreciate the covering of the parents 26:28 but most rather covering of Jesus Christ. 26:31 And last few minutes what have you learned 26:34 and what can you say to our viewers 26:36 someone who maybe going through this in last 30 minutes-- 26:39 30 seconds. 26:41 What I have learned is where you don't speak... 26:46 you become weak. 26:49 If you talk, if you just say something to someone 26:56 don't get caught up in your own thoughts 26:58 because the devil will make you believe what isn't true. 27:03 If you just go and ask and say, I need help 27:05 or give a hypothetical situation something just talk, 27:09 reach out to people the devil is busy 27:13 and he will seek you out in any way, 27:17 any way. 27:19 So don't have a doubt. 27:20 When you have a doubt go out, talk to people, just talk. 27:23 I got my strength, the violence really stopped 27:27 when I started speaking about what was happening to me. 27:30 Amen. Amen. 27:32 Well, I think Candace has said well. 27:34 You have to go out, you have to tell someone. 27:37 Let someone know and that you are not alone 27:39 and someone will help you. 27:41 Well, Candace, we really appreciate you 27:42 coming on Making It Work 27:44 and you have learned to make it work 27:46 by taking time for you, loving your son, and loving yourself. 27:50 Also this one final thing I would like to add, 27:53 family support is very important. 27:55 The family support. 27:56 Well, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin. I'm Arthur Nowlin. 27:59 And you have been with us on Making It Work. 28:01 God bless. God bless. |
Revised 2015-10-05