Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin.
And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
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And welcome to "Making It Work."
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Making It Work deals
with a lot of dynamics.
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Today, we are
going to talk about
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lifting
burdens, surviving abuse.
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Today, on our
broadcast we have Candace Bone.
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Welcome,
Candace, to the program.
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Thank you for having me.
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How you doing?
I'm good. How are you?
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Excellent.
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I have known you since
you were six-years-old.
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Seven.
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Six.
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Oh, I thought seven.
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I know when I met you
and I know how I met you.
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I have looked at
you grow over the years,
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I've seen you
grow off to college,
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you were Ms.
Peterson, crowned the queen.
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I was there.
That's right, you was.
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That's right. You stay with me.
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Okay.
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And seen you grow off
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to Oakwood College
in Huntsville, Alabama
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now Oakwood University earning
a Bachelors of Arts degree.
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Social work. Social work.
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But it was the Bachelor of
Arts or Bachelor of Science.
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BSW. A BSW.
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Bachelor of Science, social work
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and returning back home
and from there story begins.
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Yes.
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We want you to share your
testimony with our viewers
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on Making It Work.
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Would you do that for us?
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Yes.
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I returned from
Oakwood college in 2001
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ready to take
this journey of life.
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I love Oakwood, not
married, not engaged,
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now without a boyfriend
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and I thought when
you went to Oakwood
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you are supposed
to get one of those.
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One of those. One of those.
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Anyhow but I
embarked in the work,
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I guess someone
called the real world.
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Face the challenges...
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of peer pressure
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because before I never
felt what peer pressure was.
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I was in school,
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I was raised in a Adventist
school Peterson-Warren Academy,
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I went to Oakwood.
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So the principles my
parents taught me were there.
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There was no one saying
hey, come on let's drink.
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Come on let's
have premarital sex,
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there is no one
saying let's get in fights.
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I didn't have that.
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So I was protected in a way.
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When I came home...
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I was a victim of
sexual assault first
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by a visitor of our church.
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I trusted...
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that within the walls of
my church I was protected,
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little did I know that...
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strangers, predators
come to church as well.
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So after that sexual
assault I remember basically
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kind of turning away from God
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because here I
had kept myself pure,
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a virgin follow
what God had told me to
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and I said, how
could this happen to me
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a daughter of a
teacher of a Adventist school.
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My home was together, my
parents are still married
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going on 40 years,
how can this happen to me
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and I was ashamed
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because I thought I
should know him better.
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So I went from there
to not trusting anyone,
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not trusting to talk to
anyone about what I was feeling,
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the pain I was feeling.
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I didn't talk to my
parents about what happened.
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I just went on ahead
because I felt ashamed.
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So business as
usual? Business as usual.
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I was the Sabbath school teacher
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for the kindergarten class
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and I became the choir
director for the children
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and I just went on like let
me go ahead in continuing to act
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and praise God but still
feeling fearful on the inside.
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So that--
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Let me just stop you there,
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and you had just finished
your degree in social work.
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Yes.
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And were you
working in social work?
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Yes, I was.
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So you know the
theories and the principles
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and how to help people
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but you did not
applied to your own life.
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I did not know
how to help myself.
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Okay.
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I even at Oakwood I had worked
with domestic violence group,
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answering phone
calls, crisis hotline,
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I knew everything
that's why I believe
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I was ashamed because I said,
Candace suppose know better.
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You were supposed to
see the signs of this coming
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someway, somehow.
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So I was ashamed
but I went on here,
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I call myself
pressing through moving forward
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but inside I was
hurting and I was scared.
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Did you get to a point
where you ever tried to...
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consider charging any
charges against this person or?
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No.
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I was-- fear is something.
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You know, you
see it in the movies
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where you say,
hey, you're gonna run
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when you see that
person coming for you
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but the woman usually
falls down, she screams in
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or she doesn't say anything.
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So that fear
because I felt like,
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may be I did something wrong
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and I was afraid
of people judging me.
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It kept me from just
talking, talking about it
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and what would I say.
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I went on a date with
a guy I have just met,
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he was in the church
and this is what happened.
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I mean, I didn't know
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neither I speak
about it, it makes sense.
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Okay, go press charges
but at the end I was only 21.
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I said, well, what
am I supposed to say.
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This person ever, did he
ever come back around the church
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or have you seen him after this?
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After that
occurred I think I saw him
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I think two months have passed
he was at the church again
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hence I could have
fell down the stairs.
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I remember walking my church,
home church is City Temple,
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Detroit, Michigan so I remember
walking up one set of our
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stairs to our sanctuary
and then there is another set
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across way and as I
was walking up I saw him
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standing in the
west view I stopped,
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I walked out the door
and went home that day.
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I said oh, he is here.
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Then years passed and I
ran into him in a public place
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and I believe he was
with the probation office
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because the lady
told me, she came to me
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because he came to
speak to me, she said, ma'am,
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why are you talking to this man,
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don't you know he is a rapist.
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And I stopped and said, oh, wow,
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at least somebody else
knows they left him like that.
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The probation office told you?
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I believe she was
because for her to say
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that type of information
just come out and say,
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it was just all
right, how did you know
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what I know where I kept inside.
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So that's some kind
of where that's ended.
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Prayerfully that's
where that has ended
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but I haven't seen
that individual for years,
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years, years.
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So after that having the
fear, having the shame I...
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and not trusting people
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I did not turn to guys
in the church till date,
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I was cautious and I
turned to people of the outside,
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the guys who I guess felt like
they could be somebody outpour,
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they just had a
certain look about that wasn't,
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hey, I'm innocent and
there you come in for me,
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I kind of knew who
you are from the get go.
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So that's kind of the
way I turned to after that.
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So I introduced
relationship with a gentleman.
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I was in a relationship
for about eight years
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and when first
started off it was everything
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I guess I wanted it to be.
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We had premarital
sex, it was carefree,
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it didn't have nay
really strings attached.
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Into the relationship
my name wasn't Candace,
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I was called
the derogatory names
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the "B" word the
"H" word, the "C" word,
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stuff I never
thought I will hear
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but because I
felt below anything,
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because of the
sexual assault I didn't--
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I just took it
though my parents told me
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you are child of God
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and they told me
daily you are beautiful.
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Outside of them I just
like, I didn't believe it.
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I didn't believe it all.
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So anyhow I went on
in this relationship
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but still in church,
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still performing my
duties in the church.
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Still smiling every Sabbath.
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But I looked
forward to coming to church,
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you know, I look
forward to coming to church
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because there was this burden
on me that I want to live.
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Everything I
did through the week
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I kind of want to get rid of it
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but I didn't know
what to say or how to say.
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I went to church
to pray like, Lord,
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please let him be
nice to me, you know.
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Please let me find
a way to comfort him.
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Please let me be better,
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you know, I was
praying that prayer
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instead of get me
out that kind of thing.
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So anyhow I went on
through this relationship and...
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yeah, I just...
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I was hit.
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I was pushed around and
it wasn't a every day thing,
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it was just demeaning,
you know, into the point
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I just lost myself worth
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and then I have to start
thinking I'm a social worker,
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I would go into the
clients homes to tell them,
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you need to get out of
this abusive relationship
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but I'm getting
one myself, you know.
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How did you feel when you
first got him though, Candace,
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I mean, was it, you know,
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something that you
just accepted or you know?
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When I first got hit I felt...
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unwell.
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I remember what
brought about it.
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We had moved in together...
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because I thought
I was supposed to be
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a certain girlfriend.
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I didn't know really
how to be a girlfriend
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because I didn't
date in the college
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and I didn't have the
dating experience at high school
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because my mom was a teacher.
00:11:04.63\00:11:06.06
My dad said, this isn't
happening until you graduate.
00:11:06.09\00:11:08.46
So I didn't have
the experience to say,
00:11:08.50\00:11:11.90
hey, this isn't
supposed to be or whatever
00:11:11.93\00:11:13.80
so what I had was
just by television
00:11:13.84\00:11:16.07
of what things
are suppose to happen.
00:11:16.10\00:11:18.77
So...
00:11:18.81\00:11:20.88
with arguments
came disagreements.
00:11:20.91\00:11:23.21
I said, this is how
we are supposed to argue,
00:11:23.24\00:11:24.78
is this what supposed to happen.
00:11:24.81\00:11:27.05
When he lost his
home in foreclosure...
00:11:27.08\00:11:31.19
I said, I'm supposed
to be super girlfriend
00:11:31.22\00:11:33.15
and allow him to move in with
me though I knew it was wrong.
00:11:33.19\00:11:37.49
But what am I supposed to do?
00:11:37.53\00:11:40.23
I think this is
what I'm supposed to do.
00:11:40.26\00:11:41.60
You're supposed to
support the man you are with
00:11:41.63\00:11:43.87
and lift him up
and get them going.
00:11:43.90\00:11:46.07
And maybe if I did
this he will be nicer to me,
00:11:46.10\00:11:49.00
just may be.
00:11:49.04\00:11:50.37
So when the first hit was unwell
00:11:50.41\00:11:51.97
because I've done all this.
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I have being so kind,
00:11:53.54\00:11:55.91
I haven't fought
you back or anything
00:11:55.94\00:11:58.58
and I felt I
didn't deserved to be hit
00:11:58.61\00:12:03.32
but I didn't know who to turn to
00:12:03.35\00:12:05.75
because in domestic
violence relationships,
00:12:05.79\00:12:08.06
I have studied though
domestic violence well
00:12:08.09\00:12:10.09
when I was a counselor.
00:12:10.13\00:12:11.59
So I have been isolated
by this time from my friends,
00:12:11.63\00:12:17.10
the individual found fault
with everybody in my circle,
00:12:17.13\00:12:21.27
my parents, my brother,
00:12:21.30\00:12:24.77
my sister, anybody, my church.
00:12:24.81\00:12:29.28
Everything that identified
me he found fault with
00:12:29.31\00:12:33.18
and it could start it with
like maybe a simple complaint
00:12:33.21\00:12:36.69
I may have said like,
I'm so tired of this person
00:12:36.72\00:12:40.12
doing this, that and
he will piggyback on it
00:12:40.16\00:12:44.06
and every time I
brought that person's name
00:12:44.09\00:12:46.66
he will bring up a negative,
00:12:46.70\00:12:48.50
the negative thing
they may have done.
00:12:48.53\00:12:51.23
So when he first hit me
I knew I didn't deserved it
00:12:51.27\00:12:55.04
but I didn't know who to turn to
00:12:55.07\00:12:56.91
because I had isolated myself
00:12:56.94\00:12:59.57
and I had a shallow relationship
00:12:59.61\00:13:02.48
with just about everyone.
00:13:02.51\00:13:04.28
Hello, how are you doing?
Oh, kind of good to see you.
00:13:04.31\00:13:07.55
Those way and keep on moving.
00:13:07.58\00:13:09.52
You know, I saw my
parents probably twice a week
00:13:09.55\00:13:13.05
because I moved out and
then I would go to work,
00:13:13.09\00:13:16.86
work like 16 hours a
day and came back home.
00:13:16.89\00:13:21.56
And after doing this but
once again who do I turn to?
00:13:21.60\00:13:24.77
Everyone told me, you know.
00:13:24.80\00:13:27.44
The first time he clenched
his fist at me my mom was there
00:13:27.47\00:13:31.97
and she said, he is
gonna hit you one day
00:13:32.01\00:13:34.78
and I didn't believe it.
00:13:34.81\00:13:36.14
I said, no, he won't hit me.
00:13:36.18\00:13:38.35
I just said, my
mom was being unfair,
00:13:38.38\00:13:40.42
she just didn't
want me have a boyfriend,
00:13:40.45\00:13:42.32
they want me to-- you
know, didn't want to let go of
00:13:42.35\00:13:45.55
being a mom and I was
just kept saying, "I'm grown.
00:13:45.59\00:13:48.82
I know what I'm doing."
00:13:48.86\00:13:50.29
She said, mark my words,
Candace, he is gonna hit you.
00:13:50.33\00:13:53.86
So when he did...
00:13:53.90\00:13:56.73
I didn't want to have that,
00:13:56.77\00:13:58.10
I told you so
conversation with her.
00:13:58.13\00:14:00.47
So I kept inside
00:14:00.50\00:14:01.94
just like the sexual
assault I kept inside.
00:14:01.97\00:14:04.27
I'm gonna pray my way out
of this one is what I thought.
00:14:06.24\00:14:09.04
Let me pray my way
out and figure way how
00:14:09.08\00:14:13.72
but I'm gonna pray my
way out of this situation.
00:14:13.75\00:14:16.45
You know, through
it all God protect me.
00:14:16.48\00:14:18.62
I'm here today, you
know, He has protected me
00:14:18.65\00:14:22.52
but were are times
and that He did let me,
00:14:22.56\00:14:26.23
He gave me the way
out because, but because
00:14:26.26\00:14:28.66
I have been put in
this prison of shame
00:14:28.70\00:14:30.93
inside myself, I can't see it.
00:14:30.97\00:14:33.94
Candace, there
was no one, I mean,
00:14:33.97\00:14:35.30
I was your choir director,
00:14:35.34\00:14:36.81
I would see you
at choir rehearsal.
00:14:36.84\00:14:39.04
You would sign,
smile, concerts...
00:14:39.07\00:14:44.88
and that worries me
00:14:44.91\00:14:46.48
that you couldn't even
come to Brother Nowlin and I.
00:14:46.51\00:14:49.75
You know, and this is what our
young people are facing today.
00:14:49.78\00:14:52.99
Who do they turn to?
00:14:53.02\00:14:54.36
Who can they talk to
00:14:54.39\00:14:55.72
and feel safe to be able to
come to him and feel protected.
00:14:55.76\00:14:59.69
You know, and it
devastates me that,
00:14:59.73\00:15:02.16
you know, you in my home every
Tuesday and I never saw it,
00:15:02.20\00:15:06.47
I never picked up on it.
00:15:06.50\00:15:08.44
Dr, Logan, it--
how can I put it.
00:15:08.47\00:15:12.54
I felt I was doing wrong
because I was cohabitating,
00:15:15.44\00:15:20.05
that's wrong and I
was having premarital sex.
00:15:20.08\00:15:24.39
So you have this--
00:15:24.42\00:15:26.59
of course we know
"The wages of sin is death"
00:15:26.62\00:15:28.89
so I felt like this
was basically what I chose.
00:15:28.92\00:15:32.03
Not that I deserved to be abused
00:15:32.06\00:15:34.00
but because I had set
that aligned to God have for me
00:15:34.03\00:15:37.50
the bad things
start to come in my way
00:15:37.53\00:15:40.04
in a way I deserve
this so I take it back.
00:15:40.07\00:15:42.77
I knew I didn't deserve
it but as far as what I felt
00:15:42.80\00:15:46.91
spiritual ramification
should be that maybe
00:15:46.94\00:15:50.45
this is what you get,
this is what you deserve.
00:15:50.48\00:15:51.81
A punishment.
00:15:51.85\00:15:53.18
Yes, a punishment because
I stepped out of God's will.
00:15:53.21\00:15:56.52
That's when, there was a time
00:15:56.55\00:15:58.19
when you stopped
coming to church?
00:15:58.22\00:16:00.56
Yes.
00:16:00.59\00:16:01.99
Like I said...
00:16:02.02\00:16:04.36
I had shut down from everyone,
00:16:04.39\00:16:06.29
good friends and...
00:16:06.33\00:16:09.53
church became a problem.
00:16:09.56\00:16:11.77
Now one, I still
didn't trust church
00:16:11.80\00:16:14.07
because of the sexual
assault that occurred.
00:16:14.10\00:16:16.27
So when...
00:16:16.30\00:16:20.88
the person I was dating
00:16:20.91\00:16:22.24
continued to make
negative comments about me
00:16:22.28\00:16:24.55
getting up in the
morning to go to church
00:16:24.58\00:16:26.68
or for Sabbath
service, it became easy
00:16:26.72\00:16:30.49
just to say, let it go.
00:16:30.52\00:16:31.85
You know, you
know, when you go there
00:16:31.89\00:16:34.32
you are not feeling the warmth,
the love, so just let it go.
00:16:34.36\00:16:39.43
Stop going, stop being
fake because it is hard,
00:16:39.46\00:16:42.96
it is hard to
make up your faith,
00:16:43.00\00:16:46.10
not just with foundation
and mascara, whatever,
00:16:46.13\00:16:49.10
it's hard to make up
your face, to lie to everyone
00:16:49.14\00:16:52.21
and say you are okay.
00:16:52.24\00:16:53.71
So just let it go.
00:16:53.74\00:16:55.71
Like I would need to go,
I would just sit at home,
00:16:55.74\00:16:59.55
relax this weekend,
get my mind straight.
00:16:59.58\00:17:03.28
So kind of with abuse I
was working 16 hours a day.
00:17:03.32\00:17:07.32
So...
00:17:07.36\00:17:09.89
weekends which came
really a day of rest,
00:17:09.92\00:17:12.33
I'm tired and I'm exhausted,
I can't push myself out of bed
00:17:12.36\00:17:18.40
and I would say we'll
stay away from that individual
00:17:18.43\00:17:20.30
during the time.
00:17:20.34\00:17:21.67
The more I'm
working the busy I'm,
00:17:21.70\00:17:23.91
the less you have reason
to find to fight with me,
00:17:23.94\00:17:26.78
so we don't have these fights,
00:17:26.81\00:17:28.14
so we don't have
these arguments or so.
00:17:28.18\00:17:31.11
And I was-- I felt like I
was going as merry-go-round
00:17:31.15\00:17:33.75
I just can't get off,
just going and going and going
00:17:33.78\00:17:37.59
and just held my head,
I wish this would stop.
00:17:37.62\00:17:41.49
Most humiliated time came...
00:17:41.52\00:17:45.23
one of our arguments
was caught on the voicemail,
00:17:45.26\00:17:48.20
I had called my
brother and sister-in-law,
00:17:48.23\00:17:51.07
I just came back from
Alabama and I called them
00:17:51.10\00:17:53.34
knowing them I made
it and I didn't get them
00:17:53.37\00:17:58.44
and I thought I
hung up the phone
00:17:58.47\00:18:00.78
and here he was just
yelling everything at me and I--
00:18:00.81\00:18:07.18
You had just come back?
00:18:07.22\00:18:08.82
I had just came back, he wasn't
even the part of the trip.
00:18:08.85\00:18:11.72
I just came back like
hey, I'm your girlfriend,
00:18:11.75\00:18:13.66
aren't you happy to see
me and he just had attitude
00:18:13.69\00:18:17.76
as soon as I, you know,
got in the car and he started
00:18:17.79\00:18:21.20
like I can't remember those
words but, you know, he yelled.
00:18:21.23\00:18:24.63
He didn't hit me
that night, he just yelled
00:18:24.67\00:18:26.43
and yelled and yelled.
00:18:26.47\00:18:28.34
And to the point
okay, I didn't know my--
00:18:28.37\00:18:31.97
you know, my sibling,
my sister-in-law heard it.
00:18:32.01\00:18:34.41
So they contact my parents
00:18:34.44\00:18:37.21
and that's when my
parents came to know
00:18:37.25\00:18:38.58
what I was really going on.
00:18:38.61\00:18:40.15
So they contact my parents,
parents got over to my home
00:18:40.18\00:18:44.35
and I just like,
here's my out, right,
00:18:44.39\00:18:48.82
but I was like,
no he didn't do this.
00:18:48.86\00:18:50.73
I was fearful then.
Like, no, that didn't happen.
00:18:50.76\00:18:54.30
It wasn't as bad as it was
00:18:54.33\00:18:55.66
because it
wasn't as bad as it was,
00:18:55.70\00:18:57.60
who says argument
just to save the day to me.
00:18:57.63\00:19:00.20
It wasn't I'm getting pounded
or anything so I was like,
00:19:00.24\00:19:03.61
no, it's not
this, it's not that.
00:19:03.64\00:19:05.31
And so my dad just
said, you know, Candace,
00:19:05.34\00:19:07.04
I don't want to go
to jail but I will.
00:19:07.08\00:19:10.38
I will for you.
00:19:10.41\00:19:11.75
Now I said, daddy, I understand
00:19:11.78\00:19:13.38
but them I tried to
handle things on my own
00:19:13.42\00:19:15.35
as I could fix this,
I could pray through it,
00:19:15.38\00:19:17.52
I can do this but I couldn't.
00:19:17.55\00:19:21.52
You know, I couldn't do it. So--
00:19:21.56\00:19:23.39
Did your dad and mom talk
to both of you together or?
00:19:23.43\00:19:27.43
My dad did and at the time I
kept denying that I'd been hit.
00:19:27.46\00:19:32.83
Okay.
00:19:32.87\00:19:35.70
But you know, my dad
and my dad is wonderful.
00:19:35.74\00:19:38.77
He could fix anything.
00:19:38.81\00:19:40.18
So dad would talk to him
00:19:40.21\00:19:41.94
and it seemed like things
would go well for a minute
00:19:41.98\00:19:45.91
but, you know,
he'll make comments about,
00:19:45.95\00:19:50.05
you're gonna run to
your family to fix this.
00:19:50.09\00:19:52.42
you're gonna go crying
home to mommy and daddy
00:19:52.45\00:19:54.56
and I'm like well, I
want to be grown woman.
00:19:54.59\00:19:56.19
I want to show that
I could be independent.
00:19:56.22\00:19:58.76
So once again you are attacking
who I am, what I've become.
00:19:58.79\00:20:03.57
So just turning down, you know,
and I could take caution away
00:20:03.60\00:20:08.10
because I had handled
first situation with counseling,
00:20:08.14\00:20:13.21
we are talking to people,
00:20:13.24\00:20:15.14
there are doubts
seriously that I would,
00:20:15.18\00:20:18.51
you know, I've even
gotten into that relationship
00:20:18.55\00:20:20.82
because I would have,
I haven't felt the same.
00:20:20.85\00:20:22.88
You know, I would have
known I have support, you know.
00:20:22.92\00:20:25.35
So you are saying that
if you had made effort,
00:20:25.39\00:20:29.82
you know, to get
premarital counseling
00:20:29.86\00:20:31.73
or when this started
happening to receive counseling
00:20:31.76\00:20:36.26
it would have
been better for you.
00:20:36.30\00:20:37.83
I do think so. Okay.
00:20:37.87\00:20:39.20
If I have spoke about it. Okay.
00:20:39.23\00:20:41.20
If I just said something.
00:20:41.24\00:20:42.84
It's so funny last night,
00:20:44.17\00:20:46.14
you know, I will
say this quickly,
00:20:46.17\00:20:48.34
I put on Facebook my status
I want a chocolate brownie
00:20:48.38\00:20:52.21
but I had to say it
because holding that in all day
00:20:52.25\00:20:55.52
just made the craving
just grow and grow, grow.
00:20:55.55\00:20:58.35
When I finally
put on my Facebook
00:20:58.39\00:21:00.02
oh, I'm okay, I'm fine.
00:21:00.06\00:21:01.76
The chocolate craving
is gone and that's kind of
00:21:01.79\00:21:05.46
how I feel now about anything
or going through something
00:21:05.49\00:21:08.80
struggling just let it out,
say it, it gives you the power
00:21:08.83\00:21:12.93
because it's like, it's not
trapped inside of you biting.
00:21:12.97\00:21:15.44
I mean, you know,
because it is so tussle,
00:21:15.47\00:21:18.41
felt like I was at a
spiritual war all the time.
00:21:18.44\00:21:21.24
So now that's here,
00:21:21.28\00:21:23.11
now that I speak
I'm no longer in fear.
00:21:23.14\00:21:25.61
You know, now I say, hey, I
was a victim of sexual assault
00:21:25.65\00:21:28.98
and I'm a social worker.
00:21:29.02\00:21:31.82
It happens.
Candace, let me ask you this.
00:21:31.85\00:21:34.39
How did the-- we
have about six minutes,
00:21:34.42\00:21:36.73
how did the relationship
end, how did you get out
00:21:36.76\00:21:39.63
and was he the
father of your child?
00:21:39.66\00:21:42.06
Okay.
00:21:42.10\00:21:43.43
Yes, I'm a mom...
That's a wonderful thing.
00:21:43.47\00:21:48.04
Yes, he is the
father of my child.
00:21:48.07\00:21:50.54
When I had my son...
00:21:50.57\00:21:51.91
I learned to love
something more than myself.
00:21:53.84\00:21:58.51
And because I wasn't loving me
00:21:58.55\00:22:02.95
loving this beautiful baby
00:22:02.98\00:22:06.35
made me kind of
love myself more to say,
00:22:06.39\00:22:08.49
you know, this isn't
the life you want for him.
00:22:08.52\00:22:12.23
There wasn't life
I wanted for myself.
00:22:12.26\00:22:15.66
I kind of plot
it away to get out.
00:22:15.70\00:22:17.83
I-- as for domestic violence,
00:22:17.87\00:22:20.30
you know, sometimes
when you leave breathily
00:22:20.34\00:22:22.57
it could lead to
death or more violence.
00:22:22.60\00:22:25.61
So I...
00:22:25.64\00:22:28.58
it took basically like
almost a year and half to leave.
00:22:28.61\00:22:31.95
I stop paying the
rent of the apartment
00:22:31.98\00:22:35.02
so we could get evicted
though I have plenty of money
00:22:35.05\00:22:38.19
I just stop paying it.
00:22:38.22\00:22:39.55
So we are evicted,
00:22:39.59\00:22:40.92
he had to go his
way I had to go my way.
00:22:40.96\00:22:42.72
I went back home to my
parents and I remained there
00:22:42.76\00:22:47.70
under their
protective covering and...
00:22:47.73\00:22:52.93
after a while he became
really frustrated like he saw
00:22:52.97\00:22:55.60
that we weren't
move little together.
00:22:55.64\00:22:57.57
I started calling the
police when threats came
00:22:57.61\00:23:02.54
and I finally press charges
for my personal protection order
00:23:02.58\00:23:08.32
and basically that's kind of
where the relationship ended,
00:23:08.35\00:23:12.59
it stopped.
00:23:12.62\00:23:13.96
And I started talking to people,
00:23:13.99\00:23:15.82
started talking to mom,
00:23:15.86\00:23:17.19
started talking to my
dad, my brothers and sisters,
00:23:17.23\00:23:20.23
church members
what I was going through
00:23:20.26\00:23:22.90
and I just...
00:23:22.93\00:23:26.37
because even sometimes at
my workplace he will show up.
00:23:26.40\00:23:30.07
And when I started
telling people at work
00:23:30.11\00:23:32.01
what was happening--
00:23:32.04\00:23:33.38
I even work for some of
my church members for a while
00:23:33.41\00:23:35.88
and he showed up and
it was just known like
00:23:35.91\00:23:39.48
hey, this isn't
supposed to happen
00:23:39.51\00:23:40.85
so now my circle began to build
00:23:40.88\00:23:43.22
and people
started looking out for me
00:23:43.25\00:23:47.02
when I didn't look after myself
they were looking out for me.
00:23:47.06\00:23:49.49
So that's how the
relationship ended.
00:23:49.52\00:23:52.36
It was just getting the
power speaking about it,
00:23:52.39\00:23:55.36
knowing what I deserved,
00:23:55.40\00:23:56.73
knowing that I
wanted better for my son.
00:23:56.77\00:23:59.40
You know, he say, hey,
00:23:59.43\00:24:00.87
he shouldn't be in
the single parent home.
00:24:00.90\00:24:02.80
These are statistics
he will be in prison,
00:24:02.84\00:24:05.17
he will probably you be on drugs
00:24:05.21\00:24:08.94
because this is
statistical single parent.
00:24:08.98\00:24:11.51
Now well, we saw what happens
00:24:11.55\00:24:13.48
if he is in a
domestic violence home
00:24:13.52\00:24:15.75
this is not gonna happen.
00:24:15.78\00:24:17.12
So that's where
the relationship ended.
00:24:17.15\00:24:20.12
So what about
him seeing his son,
00:24:20.16\00:24:23.83
you know, how does that work?
00:24:23.86\00:24:25.73
Well, we have a
custody order right now
00:24:25.76\00:24:29.13
and we exchange the
child through third party.
00:24:29.16\00:24:33.34
We also-- he sees him sometimes,
00:24:33.37\00:24:35.60
he not assisted
with it, where to see him
00:24:35.64\00:24:38.47
but prayerfully, you
know, I just want my son to know
00:24:38.51\00:24:41.51
that he is loved and
we are still in the world
00:24:41.54\00:24:44.01
where mom, dad is the standard
that all kids should have
00:24:44.05\00:24:50.22
and I don't want he
feel that he is missing out.
00:24:50.25\00:24:52.52
So well, he watches
television and says,
00:24:52.55\00:24:54.79
hey, they have a daddy.
00:24:54.82\00:24:56.32
I'm like, yeah, so do you.
00:24:56.36\00:24:59.69
So I communicate
to my son in love
00:24:59.73\00:25:01.86
and if this individual
as his father goes through
00:25:01.90\00:25:05.50
whatever journey of life
it's not my problem right now.
00:25:05.53\00:25:09.20
Prayerfully he will
make it back to being a dad,
00:25:09.24\00:25:13.48
prayerfully just like I had
to grow and realize my worth.
00:25:13.51\00:25:16.91
Prayerfully that he will
learn the worth of people,
00:25:16.95\00:25:19.71
his worth and become the
father that our son deserves.
00:25:19.75\00:25:24.55
So where is Candace
now? Where is Candace?
00:25:24.59\00:25:26.72
Candace is back in the church.
00:25:26.76\00:25:28.39
Yeah, I am.
00:25:28.42\00:25:30.39
Candace is
good. Candace is good.
00:25:30.43\00:25:32.59
Candace is...
00:25:32.63\00:25:34.86
I'm back in the church
00:25:34.90\00:25:36.23
and I'm really
back in the church
00:25:36.26\00:25:37.60
and I'm not just faking.
00:25:37.63\00:25:40.04
I'm, I'm the choir
director of the kids
00:25:40.07\00:25:43.51
and leader of ventures
00:25:43.54\00:25:46.21
and part of God's Hands of
Praise and I feel comfortable
00:25:46.24\00:25:51.98
because I'm me, I'm
no longer rejecting me.
00:25:52.01\00:25:54.12
I'm who I'm, this is
what I've always been.
00:25:54.15\00:25:56.92
Anybody that's
fix against my church
00:25:56.95\00:25:58.85
I really don't deal with them
00:25:58.89\00:26:00.29
because I say I don't
need anybody to tackle
00:26:00.32\00:26:01.79
what I've learned,
what I've grown, what I know
00:26:01.82\00:26:05.13
and so sis, I don't
really slam out someone,
00:26:05.16\00:26:08.56
people who have
used me, I'm good.
00:26:08.60\00:26:10.27
You are good. You
are healthy. Excellent.
00:26:10.30\00:26:11.63
I'm good. I'm so good.
00:26:11.80\00:26:13.20
Any relationships?
00:26:13.23\00:26:14.70
No, I'm not in a relationship.
00:26:14.74\00:26:16.34
And still. I will be as still.
00:26:16.37\00:26:18.67
I so loved me.
Okay, this is great.
00:26:18.71\00:26:21.78
I appreciate the fact that,
00:26:21.81\00:26:23.41
you know, where
you are right now
00:26:23.45\00:26:25.65
and you are able to appreciate
the covering of the parents
00:26:25.68\00:26:28.92
but most rather
covering of Jesus Christ.
00:26:28.95\00:26:31.75
And last few minutes
what have you learned
00:26:31.79\00:26:34.46
and what can you
say to our viewers
00:26:34.49\00:26:36.62
someone who maybe going through
this in last 30 minutes--
00:26:36.66\00:26:39.83
30 seconds.
00:26:39.86\00:26:41.86
What I have learned is
where you don't speak...
00:26:41.90\00:26:46.30
you become weak.
00:26:46.33\00:26:49.87
If you talk, if you
just say something to someone
00:26:49.90\00:26:56.21
don't get caught up
in your own thoughts
00:26:56.24\00:26:58.81
because the devil will make
you believe what isn't true.
00:26:58.85\00:27:03.22
If you just go and
ask and say, I need help
00:27:03.25\00:27:05.85
or give a hypothetical
situation something just talk,
00:27:05.89\00:27:09.92
reach out to
people the devil is busy
00:27:09.96\00:27:13.46
and he will seek
you out in any way,
00:27:13.50\00:27:17.80
any way.
00:27:17.83\00:27:19.17
So don't have a doubt.
00:27:19.20\00:27:20.54
When you have a doubt go
out, talk to people, just talk.
00:27:20.57\00:27:23.84
I got my strength, the
violence really stopped
00:27:23.87\00:27:27.04
when I started speaking
about what was happening to me.
00:27:27.08\00:27:30.91
Amen. Amen.
00:27:30.95\00:27:32.68
Well, I think
Candace has said well.
00:27:32.71\00:27:34.82
You have to go out,
you have to tell someone.
00:27:34.85\00:27:37.29
Let someone know and
that you are not alone
00:27:37.32\00:27:39.79
and someone will help you.
00:27:39.82\00:27:41.22
Well, Candace, we
really appreciate you
00:27:41.49\00:27:42.92
coming on Making It Work
00:27:42.96\00:27:44.43
and you have
learned to make it work
00:27:44.46\00:27:46.53
by taking time for you, loving
your son, and loving yourself.
00:27:46.56\00:27:50.60
Also this one final
thing I would like to add,
00:27:50.63\00:27:53.30
family support
is very important.
00:27:53.34\00:27:55.37
The family support.
00:27:55.40\00:27:56.74
Well, I'm Dr. Kim
Logan-Nowlin. I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:27:56.77\00:27:59.34
And you have been
with us on Making It Work.
00:27:59.37\00:28:01.54
God bless. God bless.
00:28:01.58\00:28:02.91