Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan Nowlin.
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And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
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And welcome to "Making It Work."
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Well, Arthur, I am so excited.
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I get another chance just
talk with you about family life.
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Our the last seven years
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Arthur and I've had
the pleasure of serving
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as the family life directors,
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co-directors of the
Lake Region Conference
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and the Lake Region Conference
is one of the conferences
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with in the
North America division
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of the
Seventh-day Adventist church.
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But in our conference,
the Lake Region Conference,
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we scope five
areas or five states,
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Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota,
Wisconsin and Indiana.
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So we travel
between all those states
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meeting the
needs of our churches.
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So we're excited about that
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but we took on a
new task this year
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because now
we're the family life
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directors also of our
home church, the City Temple
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of Seventh-day Adventist
Church in Detroit, Michigan.
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So we're caring several hats
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along with our private
practice here Detroit also.
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So, Arthur, why
don't just talk about
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the impact of family life
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and how it
connects to making it work?
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How can our families
continue to make it work?
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You know, we're
getting ready to move
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into a heavy
transition within Obama care,
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a lot of different
things are gonna be happening
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and impacting our families.
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So let's talk about family life.
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Well, you said a lot
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and when we talk
about family life,
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I guess one of the
things that really come to mind
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is some of the issues
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that are
associated with family life.
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We're talking
about child molestation,
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we're talking
about substance abuse,
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areas where infidelity
is within the marriage.
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There's a lot of issues
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that are
attacking our families today
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that we didn't think
about maybe in earlier years.
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Some of these
problems that exist now
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are really
devastating to the family.
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Child
molestation is on the raise
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within our communities.
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Yes.
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The substance abuse
problem has always been there,
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but now, it's a lot of
attention that is giving
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to the different drugs
that the people are adjusting
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and causing
themselves to be at a point
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where they loose
control of their faculties.
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Well, what do you
think is the prime aspect
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or the prime factor, you know,
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do we need to
look at family origin,
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we've talked about it
before on "Making It Work."
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What is family origin?
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Family origin is the
family that you're born into,
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the family that
raise you from birth up
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until a recent age with
the age in which you decide
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that you will go out
and venture on your own.
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Whether it be in college or
whether it be in a military,
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but the family
origin is the family
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that you're
associated with from birth.
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Now, Arthur, how many
types of families you know,
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we have the nuclear family,
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with just the mother and father
within the home structure.
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What other family
structures do we have?
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Well, we have now, we
have the single parent family.
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Yes, that's true.
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You know, nuclear family
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which is
traditional single parent family
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and we have what people
consider to be a foster family.
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All right.
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You know, that's basically
when you bring children
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into the home that are not
you're biological children.
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All right. And we
have the blended family.
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And the blended family.
Now what is the blended family?
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The blended
family, we're talking about
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two families that were
not within the family origin,
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but one parent
bringing in children
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from one particular
family and another parent
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bringing in their children
from a particular family
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and blending it all
together to make one family.
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But now we're dealing
with another type of family,
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we're dealing
with the homosexuality.
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You know, we have the
same gender raising a family.
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Yes.
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And you have children
who either been adopted
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or surrogate
birth and it's impacting
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and it's impacting the church.
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How do we
address this issue coming
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from my traditional
stand point and the Word of God
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and what God created,
man and woman, Adam and Eve?
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How do we deal with this
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and how we do
help these individuals,
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these families
become a part of our church?
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Well, you know, at this point,
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we're looking at
bringing them into the church,
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they come as they are.
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When I think about
a homosexual family
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or gay and lesbian
family, I'm thinking
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about this family
still has opportunity to come
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into the church and
they can make a decision
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after we present our principles.
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Okay.
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And after we
offer what is important
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the Word of God, when
they make that decision
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then they can look at
if their family structure
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is conducive to the principle
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of the
Seventh-day Adventist Church
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or of the Christian
church, Christian philosophy.
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You do know we
have Seventh-day--
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well, Adventist
homosexual churches now.
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Absolutely.
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You know, there were rising up
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all over the country.
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Well, you know, I
haven't seen any per say,
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but I've, I've
been in California
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where it was
indicated to me by other,
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by a pastor that
they have a special church
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for homosexual, gay and lesbian.
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Believers. Absolutely, so--
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Okay, well, let's
go back all right,
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you've talked
about the family origin.
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Let's talk about
some of the other factors
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that are impacting
our families today.
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You know, we have
abuse, we have substance abuse.
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You know, what
causes an infidelity?
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Let's talk about
that. What causes a person?
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Infidelity or the substance?
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Infidelity, I want
to talk about infidelity
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because prior to the
taping I received a phone call
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from a wife and
she just found out
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her husband has been unfaithful.
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She's just given
birth to her third child,
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she's on the phone crying to me
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and I had to come
in and do this taping.
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She said, "Dr Logan,
can you call my husband,
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can you call him right now?"
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And I said, "If you give
me 30 minutes I'll call him."
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You know, what do I
say to this man you know,
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she wants me to you
know, make him change his mind,
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don't leave us, don't do this,
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but she went out at
3'o clock in the morning,
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she felt it was the Holy Spirit
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and she found
evidence of his infidelity.
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Whether, we're talking
about some horrific dynamics
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that's involved with
this particular case.
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One other things that
she had indicated to me
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was that this man
had also expressed to her
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that he didn't want to
be with her any longer.
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You know, so,
it's pretty difficult
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to convince him otherwise
if he makes a statement
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like that and recognizing
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he has three
children by this women.
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That's
devastating, but it's not to say
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that God can't
heal a relationship.
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That's right, that's
right. God can do anything.
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That's right. But
there has been willingness.
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And that's what the first thing
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that I would
recommend to anybody is to meet
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and discuss the
situation and see
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if anyone is in favor
of changing some behavior.
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This, this cause a
major behavior change.
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We're talking about someone
that is out in the community
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or who has indicated
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that he didn't want
to be with his wife,
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I'd rather be with someone else.
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That's major.
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And it's very major
and then finding evidence,
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so let's look at
infidelity for a moment.
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Is it
premeditated, is it fallout?
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In many cases, yes, you know--
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Okay, I'm gonna
throw something at you,
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do you think more men
commit adultery than women?
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Now, why would you
even want to go there?
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I just want to know. I mean--
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I really want to know.
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You know, because
it's, it's an issue,
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if it's they say now men
commit adultery more than women?
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I would say at this point
that we're dealing in a society
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where infidelity is
expected in relationships,
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in many relationships.
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So I'm not going to say that--
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What do you mean expected,
what do you mean expected?
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I mean, at some point a men
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will lustor participate in a act
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where it's
outside of his marriage.
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Well, I guess so, you know,
you're talking about lusting,
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these women walk around
here with no clothes on,
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half clothes on,
skirts way up to their thighs
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it makes a man vulnerable?
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You have to be rooted
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and grounded in the Word of God.
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So, I'm not going
to, I would not say
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that men create an unhealthy
relationship more than females.
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I'm thinking at this point
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it would very
close to be in 50-50.
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Okay, so you're saying
that infidelity is premeditated,
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it's thought
out, it's a process,
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you know, these are
the one that talk to,
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I met someone at work,
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I met someone
at a bowling alley,
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I just met someone and
now, this relationship is gone
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from just basic
friendship to now,
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we're having lunch,
we're calling each other,
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we're texting each
other and now we're meeting
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in to be
unfaithful to our spouses.
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Absolutely, it's
gotten to the point where the,
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the lust or the
thought has become so powerful
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that the act is secondary.
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You've all ready created the,
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the major issue
within your mind.
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So like the Bible says,
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"So as the man
thinketh so is he."
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Absolutely.
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You know, and the
Word of God also says,
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"By beholding
we become changed."
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Yes.
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So you beholding
those type of behaviors
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is going to
change your mind set.
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How does a family
pull back and make it work
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when their
spouses are unfaithful?
00:10:08.84\00:10:10.34
That's major because once again
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we're talking
about a behavior change,
00:10:12.14\00:10:13.88
we're talking about
the person recognizing
00:10:13.91\00:10:16.85
that this is a problem for
them and that at this point
00:10:16.88\00:10:20.58
they have to do something
to change this behavior.
00:10:20.62\00:10:23.39
Arthur, quickly.
00:10:23.42\00:10:24.75
You have to tell
something quickly.
00:10:24.79\00:10:26.12
And so we're talking
about getting to a therapist
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or the pastor and
bringing it out in the open
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and recognizing
that I have this problem,
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I need to address
this problem because its,
00:10:34.70\00:10:37.17
it has cost me and my wife
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to separate
mentally and physically.
00:10:39.67\00:10:42.50
It is, it's so
stressful and you know,
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we talk about behavior
modification all the time.
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Absolutely.
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You know, and we
talk about paradigm shift.
00:10:48.24\00:10:50.11
What is behavior modification?
00:10:50.15\00:10:51.58
Basically, when you
have one particular behavior
00:10:51.61\00:10:54.72
that you're doing and
now you have to come up
00:10:54.75\00:10:57.15
with an
alternative to that behavior
00:10:57.19\00:10:59.42
because you've recognized
that it's caused some issues
00:10:59.45\00:11:01.86
within your relationship,
00:11:01.89\00:11:03.53
but even beyond the
behavior being modified.
00:11:03.56\00:11:08.16
The first and
foremost thing is to the need
00:11:08.20\00:11:11.77
to pray about this
situation and in many cases
00:11:11.80\00:11:14.64
it's become very difficult
00:11:14.67\00:11:16.24
when you're dealing
with situation that is,
00:11:16.27\00:11:19.11
during your marriage or family
00:11:19.14\00:11:21.31
and then someone say,
okay let's pray about it.
00:11:21.34\00:11:24.38
So you really have to
dig deep down within yourself
00:11:24.41\00:11:27.75
and relay back on
you're teachings to get you,
00:11:27.78\00:11:30.79
your Christian
belief to get you to a point
00:11:30.82\00:11:33.56
where you can
even pray about it.
00:11:33.59\00:11:34.92
Okay, well, let me
give you a scenario,
00:11:34.96\00:11:36.52
I don't want to
be with you anymore,
00:11:36.56\00:11:38.23
I'm not
attracted to you anymore,
00:11:38.26\00:11:40.10
you don't please me anymore,
does that give me a reason,
00:11:40.13\00:11:43.43
a excuse to go out
00:11:43.47\00:11:44.80
and be unfaithful to
you or even divorce you?
00:11:44.83\00:11:46.90
No, it doesn't give
you a reason for it,
00:11:46.94\00:11:49.24
but it leads so many
people down that road
00:11:49.27\00:11:51.97
because they had separated,
00:11:52.01\00:11:53.58
they had detached
themselves from the family.
00:11:53.61\00:11:56.51
So at this point you feel that
what you're doing is justified.
00:11:56.54\00:11:59.71
How does a man leave a
wife and three children?
00:11:59.75\00:12:02.35
That's, that's.
How that you do that?
00:12:02.38\00:12:03.89
The same a wife
would leave a wife--
00:12:03.92\00:12:06.65
a husband and three children.
00:12:06.69\00:12:08.06
A husband and three
children, and it happens.
00:12:08.09\00:12:09.42
Of course, it's happening more
and more now than ever before.
00:12:09.46\00:12:12.43
And I think that
its deep into the fact
00:12:12.46\00:12:13.80
that I'm no
longer attracted to you,
00:12:13.83\00:12:15.16
I don't want to be
with you, is to the point
00:12:15.20\00:12:16.93
that I don't want
to do this anymore.
00:12:16.97\00:12:18.63
Well, we also,
we're talking about
00:12:18.67\00:12:20.77
the other
circumstances that's involved.
00:12:20.80\00:12:23.10
The inability to communicate
00:12:23.14\00:12:24.97
honestly and
openly with each other.
00:12:25.01\00:12:27.01
Okay, all right, let's
get to the layers here.
00:12:27.04\00:12:28.38
And we're talking
about the inability
00:12:28.41\00:12:30.51
to trust each other,
so if I don't trust you,
00:12:30.55\00:12:33.75
I don't want to
communicate with you,
00:12:33.78\00:12:35.32
I feel that we don't
have anything in common,
00:12:35.35\00:12:37.79
so now I'm
detaching myself from you.
00:12:37.82\00:12:39.42
Yeah.
00:12:39.45\00:12:40.79
And so the other
person that I work with
00:12:40.82\00:12:42.82
who says those
things that I can relate to,
00:12:42.86\00:12:45.79
that are kind things, I tend
to start processing the fact
00:12:45.83\00:12:50.27
that may be this
person is better than the wife
00:12:50.30\00:12:53.23
that I have or the
husband that I have at home.
00:12:53.27\00:12:55.57
Now, you know, we
talk about quality time
00:12:55.60\00:12:57.67
and the ingredients
that we keep a relationship
00:12:57.71\00:13:00.64
and how to make it work.
00:13:00.68\00:13:02.01
You need quality time together,
00:13:02.04\00:13:03.81
you need to set
some clear cut objective,
00:13:03.85\00:13:06.48
goals for your
relationship, short term goals
00:13:06.51\00:13:09.22
and then build on
them, one at a time.
00:13:09.25\00:13:11.45
And then making
sure that the words
00:13:11.49\00:13:14.12
that you speak to
one and other are kind,
00:13:14.16\00:13:15.89
and considered
and they're loving
00:13:15.92\00:13:17.33
words from the Holy Spirit.
00:13:17.36\00:13:19.16
Let all the Holy
Spirit work through you.
00:13:19.19\00:13:20.96
We all get
frustrated, we get tried,
00:13:21.00\00:13:23.83
you know, we want to give up,
00:13:23.87\00:13:25.20
have you ever wanted to give up
00:13:25.23\00:13:26.57
in your
marriage with me, Arthur?
00:13:26.60\00:13:27.94
Let's put it on the table.
00:13:27.97\00:13:29.30
Yes. Why?
00:13:29.34\00:13:30.67
You know, because
I thought you were--
00:13:30.71\00:13:32.04
were at a point
where you were not willing
00:13:32.07\00:13:34.38
to listen to me, not willing
to take suggestions from me.
00:13:34.41\00:13:37.65
I got that issue hard, submit
thy selves to thy husband,
00:13:37.68\00:13:40.22
that a hard thing for me.
00:13:40.25\00:13:41.58
But I'm growing in
grace, I'm growing in grace.
00:13:41.62\00:13:44.09
When are you going to
get there, sweetheart?
00:13:44.12\00:13:46.22
God's time, it's not my time.
I don't know, I don't know.
00:13:46.25\00:13:49.42
But I'm working, I'm
working, I'm working with you.
00:13:49.46\00:13:51.66
I need you to work it
out little bit faster.
00:13:51.69\00:13:53.03
I'm making it work.
00:13:53.06\00:13:54.40
You know, well, make it work.
00:13:54.43\00:13:55.83
Some more? Yeah.
00:13:55.86\00:13:57.20
Mercy, but you
know, you make a decision
00:13:57.23\00:14:01.84
to say I'm going
to stay with Kim.
00:14:01.87\00:14:03.71
Yes, you know, because--
00:14:03.74\00:14:07.41
it's easy for me
to not stay with you.
00:14:07.44\00:14:10.08
If I think
about the things that,
00:14:10.11\00:14:11.98
you know would,
00:14:12.01\00:14:13.55
that I feel that your
stiff and I'll move along.
00:14:13.58\00:14:17.45
I think that
there're negative things
00:14:17.49\00:14:18.95
that would be
within our relationship.
00:14:18.99\00:14:21.66
I can say, "Okay,
she's not going to change
00:14:21.69\00:14:24.19
and then I can leave."
00:14:24.23\00:14:25.56
Do you think I'm stubborn?
00:14:25.59\00:14:26.93
Of course you are, but
you know you're stubborn.
00:14:26.96\00:14:28.86
I know how to
think and you know that.
00:14:28.90\00:14:30.23
Yeah, I'm stubborn.
00:14:30.27\00:14:31.60
Do you think
you're stubborn at times?
00:14:31.63\00:14:32.97
Sure, I am. Yes.
00:14:33.00\00:14:34.34
You know, and I
think that that's really
00:14:34.37\00:14:36.71
what makes it
work as to recognize
00:14:36.74\00:14:38.61
that you're stubborn
00:14:38.64\00:14:39.97
and but also that to accept
the fact that I'm stubborn.
00:14:40.01\00:14:42.21
And then you got to work on it.
00:14:42.24\00:14:43.75
Consistently.
00:14:43.78\00:14:45.11
Every day you got to work on it.
00:14:45.15\00:14:46.48
You know, it's not easy.
00:14:46.51\00:14:47.85
You're talking about bringing
two individuals together,
00:14:47.88\00:14:49.52
with two
different personalities.
00:14:49.55\00:14:51.45
Two different personalities.
Two different personalities,
00:14:51.49\00:14:52.82
its two
different family of origins
00:14:52.85\00:14:54.52
and bringing
them together and say,
00:14:54.56\00:14:56.32
"Now, we want
to make this work."
00:14:56.36\00:14:59.89
How will you make this work?
00:14:59.93\00:15:02.50
It has to be
prayer, it has to be--
00:15:02.53\00:15:04.27
Oh, Lord Jesus, I want
tell you it's been about prays,
00:15:04.30\00:15:07.70
the Word of God,
attending church.
00:15:07.74\00:15:10.14
I have to sit next to Arthur
can I go here for a minute?
00:15:10.17\00:15:13.01
I want you to go there.
00:15:13.04\00:15:14.38
I'm going to go here, I
sat next to Arthur one Sabbath
00:15:14.41\00:15:17.45
or I could have
just strangled him,
00:15:17.48\00:15:20.12
but I tell you every
time when you feel like
00:15:20.15\00:15:22.48
the flesh takes
over, the Word of God
00:15:22.52\00:15:24.69
speaks to the man of
God and then I'll reach over
00:15:24.72\00:15:27.72
and take his hand
and sometimes he'll,
00:15:27.76\00:15:30.16
you know how you
do, give me your hand,
00:15:30.19\00:15:31.53
you know how you do.
00:15:31.56\00:15:32.89
I extend my hand to
you. Oh, you need to stop.
00:15:32.93\00:15:35.53
And then when you know--
00:15:35.56\00:15:37.20
But it changes my heart.
00:15:37.23\00:15:38.57
When you sit
next to me, you know,
00:15:38.60\00:15:40.87
because you've
done something wrong,
00:15:40.90\00:15:42.67
it is difficult for
you to sit next to me
00:15:42.70\00:15:45.01
because I'm such the kind
hearted person, you know--
00:15:45.04\00:15:48.71
Why you want to
give this, folks thing
00:15:48.74\00:15:50.41
that I'm Mr. Nice
guy, you are a nice guy.
00:15:50.45\00:15:54.15
I'm, I'm--
00:15:54.18\00:15:55.58
Kim, it's only to a
point where you push me
00:15:55.62\00:15:58.99
that I'll show the other side.
00:15:59.02\00:16:00.36
That's true, that's true.
00:16:00.39\00:16:01.72
You know, but, but
you know, God is good,
00:16:01.76\00:16:03.86
you know, because I've
recognized that through Him
00:16:03.89\00:16:07.60
that He will ease my burden.
00:16:07.63\00:16:10.27
He will give me what I need
00:16:10.30\00:16:12.37
and he will help me
to maintain my focus
00:16:12.40\00:16:16.10
and not just give up and say
00:16:16.14\00:16:18.47
that the marriage
cannot work any longer
00:16:18.51\00:16:20.58
because of you're stubbornness.
00:16:20.61\00:16:22.08
But you love me,
that's a key component.
00:16:22.11\00:16:24.38
Love has to be involved. Right.
00:16:24.41\00:16:26.31
You know, and I
have a family with you.
00:16:26.35\00:16:28.38
You have a family. You know--
00:16:28.42\00:16:29.75
That's very important to you.
00:16:29.78\00:16:31.35
Family is everything.
00:16:31.39\00:16:33.76
Why is that thing everything?
00:16:33.79\00:16:35.12
Because, without the
family we have nothing.
00:16:35.16\00:16:38.03
Without the family
we have no church--
00:16:38.06\00:16:40.03
Then we lose the
whole generation.
00:16:40.06\00:16:41.40
We lose, and that's the problem,
00:16:41.43\00:16:43.06
that its, we are
dealing with at this point.
00:16:43.10\00:16:46.30
I really seriously
believe that with family
00:16:46.33\00:16:50.21
we can overcome our
problems and our difficulties.
00:16:50.24\00:16:52.51
I agree.
00:16:52.54\00:16:53.88
Without family we
have no self worth,
00:16:53.91\00:16:56.14
we have no self
esteem, we have nothing
00:16:56.18\00:16:58.65
to judge our
character by, you know,
00:16:58.68\00:17:02.05
and it's very important that
we maintain our relationship
00:17:02.08\00:17:05.52
with family and even if
you have to create a family
00:17:05.55\00:17:09.29
when I say
create a family I mean,
00:17:09.32\00:17:11.73
you're sibling may be gone,
or you're parents maybe gone,
00:17:11.76\00:17:16.33
but you could through the church
00:17:16.36\00:17:17.90
there are the people
that will extend themselves.
00:17:17.93\00:17:20.84
And the church needs
to extend themselves more
00:17:20.87\00:17:23.51
for our family, you know.
00:17:23.54\00:17:24.87
Well, this is good.
00:17:24.91\00:17:26.24
Okay, let me ask you this then,
00:17:26.27\00:17:27.61
the component
we've talked about,
00:17:27.64\00:17:29.38
substance abuse on our program.
00:17:29.41\00:17:30.98
We're gonna have other
guest dealing with that,
00:17:31.01\00:17:33.11
you know, where
is, where are we now
00:17:33.15\00:17:35.72
with the present
system and those going
00:17:35.75\00:17:38.72
into the legal
system and you know,
00:17:38.75\00:17:40.69
in fragmenting our families?
00:17:40.72\00:17:42.59
I think in our society today
00:17:42.62\00:17:44.33
we are in dire
need of recognizing
00:17:44.36\00:17:47.93
that we have to hold
on to our understandings
00:17:47.96\00:17:52.47
of traditions and
respect for each other.
00:17:52.50\00:17:55.40
Yes, yes.
00:17:55.44\00:17:56.77
We're at a point
now where our present,
00:17:56.81\00:17:58.47
present system
is being overwhelmed
00:17:58.51\00:18:01.14
because a lot of people,
00:18:01.18\00:18:03.28
a lot of our youth
are under impression
00:18:03.31\00:18:05.78
that going to prison, prison
is like a badge of courage.
00:18:05.81\00:18:11.32
I've gone through, I
can handle going through
00:18:11.35\00:18:13.69
this process and
unfortunately because of our--
00:18:13.72\00:18:18.19
the times that we
live in it's more exciting
00:18:18.23\00:18:23.00
and intriguing to do things
that are against our rules,
00:18:23.03\00:18:27.10
our laws and to
get away with it.
00:18:27.14\00:18:30.04
Do you find second, third
generations going into prison,
00:18:30.07\00:18:33.17
into the legal system?
00:18:33.21\00:18:34.54
I find all
generations going into prison
00:18:34.58\00:18:36.85
from every aspect,
from white color crime
00:18:36.88\00:18:40.22
and from the
selling of drugs and the--
00:18:40.25\00:18:46.32
the crime that comes along
with being in the drug world,
00:18:46.35\00:18:51.63
murder different things.
00:18:51.66\00:18:53.70
Armed robbery,
all of this attached.
00:18:53.73\00:18:55.06
All of it.
00:18:55.10\00:18:56.43
All of it, and
even with the women.
00:18:56.46\00:18:58.33
Talk a little bit about
that, how women get involved
00:18:58.37\00:19:01.20
with these men
or men get involved
00:19:01.24\00:19:02.90
with the women and
they become accessory
00:19:02.94\00:19:05.57
or associated with the crime
00:19:05.61\00:19:09.24
and they end up
going into prison also.
00:19:09.28\00:19:10.91
I had a friend
that called me recently,
00:19:10.95\00:19:14.58
may be about a couple of
days ago and he was telling,
00:19:14.62\00:19:19.12
I talked to him
over the holidays
00:19:19.15\00:19:20.76
and he said that he basically
00:19:20.79\00:19:22.49
he wanted to talk
to me about something,
00:19:22.52\00:19:24.96
so he called me again.
00:19:24.99\00:19:26.56
Oh, I made contact with
him a couple of these days ago
00:19:26.59\00:19:28.86
and he said, "I have
to tell you something,
00:19:28.90\00:19:30.90
I'm really going
through some difficulties."
00:19:30.93\00:19:33.07
He said, "my
daughter who's 24 years old
00:19:33.10\00:19:36.00
is now facing a
charge," where's a mandatory to,
00:19:36.04\00:19:39.24
with a, with a gun,
that was found in the car
00:19:39.27\00:19:44.08
that she was driving
with two other gentlemen
00:19:44.11\00:19:46.75
that had shot
at the state police
00:19:46.78\00:19:50.82
with automatic weapons.
00:19:50.85\00:19:52.89
And you know, he saying,
00:19:52.92\00:19:55.46
"I didn't raise my
daughter like this."
00:19:55.49\00:19:57.43
And he said, "I
gave her good home,
00:19:57.46\00:19:59.86
sent her to good school
and then she convinced me
00:19:59.89\00:20:04.20
that wanted to
go back her school
00:20:04.23\00:20:06.03
where she had a
relationship with a young man."
00:20:06.07\00:20:08.50
While this young man
was one of the gentle men's
00:20:08.54\00:20:10.74
that was in the car with
the sub-machine gun, Kim.
00:20:10.77\00:20:13.51
A sub-machine gun?
00:20:13.54\00:20:14.88
It was two of them in the
car and they decided that,
00:20:14.91\00:20:18.41
she had traffic violation
and they encouraged her
00:20:18.45\00:20:21.68
to keep driving because
they didn't want to be caught
00:20:21.72\00:20:24.52
with the guns in the car.
00:20:24.55\00:20:25.89
Well, they turn out,
00:20:25.92\00:20:27.29
and they were
under an impression
00:20:27.32\00:20:29.09
that they could turn around
and shoot at the state police.
00:20:29.12\00:20:32.63
This happened over
the Christmas holidays.
00:20:32.66\00:20:34.60
My goodness. Now,
she's facing prison.
00:20:34.63\00:20:37.03
And she's 24 years old,
00:20:37.07\00:20:38.90
where she's facing up
to 20 years, right now.
00:20:38.93\00:20:42.17
My, 20 years? Twenty years?
00:20:42.20\00:20:44.77
Mandatory of two,
two years mandatory
00:20:44.81\00:20:47.44
with the guns in the car
00:20:47.48\00:20:49.01
that she was driving.
00:20:49.04\00:20:50.75
My, my, my.
00:20:50.78\00:20:52.11
Along with the other gentlemen
that was in the car as well.
00:20:52.15\00:20:54.75
I mean, so we're talking
about circumstances of women
00:20:54.78\00:20:58.12
being used as or
what they called mules
00:20:58.15\00:21:00.56
to carrying drugs
from place to another.
00:21:00.59\00:21:02.62
Yes.
00:21:02.66\00:21:03.99
Getting caught and
being incarcerated.
00:21:04.03\00:21:05.59
Yes.
00:21:05.63\00:21:06.96
And we're talking
about crimes of violence
00:21:07.00\00:21:09.53
because of passionate groups.
00:21:09.56\00:21:11.23
Yes, crimes of
passion. Yes, yes.
00:21:11.27\00:21:13.74
You know, so this
all impacts our families.
00:21:13.77\00:21:16.71
Absolutely.
00:21:16.74\00:21:18.07
You know, when we think about
00:21:18.11\00:21:19.61
how do we continue to make
it work day in and day out.
00:21:19.64\00:21:23.01
We have to again go
back to our traditions,
00:21:23.04\00:21:26.01
the root, the Word of
God, the power of prayer.
00:21:26.05\00:21:29.12
Raising our children, like
you said you're friend said,
00:21:29.15\00:21:31.19
he didn't raise
his daughter like this.
00:21:31.22\00:21:32.55
No, he didn't.
00:21:32.59\00:21:33.92
But it still comes down
to choices that people make.
00:21:33.96\00:21:37.13
Let's talk about that.
00:21:37.16\00:21:38.49
Choices, that
why the Word of God
00:21:38.53\00:21:40.60
and our Christian
belief is so important.
00:21:40.63\00:21:44.27
It is in, it is
necessary for us to recognize
00:21:44.30\00:21:48.17
that everything
that's being done today,
00:21:48.20\00:21:51.14
everything that we, we
do or we participate in
00:21:51.17\00:21:55.78
is things that
have all ready happened.
00:21:55.81\00:21:57.58
Yes.
00:21:57.61\00:21:58.95
If you read the word
then the word tells you,
00:21:58.98\00:22:01.98
you know, this happened today,
00:22:02.02\00:22:04.12
this happened to other prophets.
00:22:04.15\00:22:06.79
And yet they got through it
00:22:06.82\00:22:08.46
because of their belief in that,
00:22:08.49\00:22:10.89
they had a true
sense of, of forgiveness.
00:22:10.93\00:22:16.97
They wanted to be forgiven.
00:22:17.00\00:22:18.33
Right, David was
the apple of god's eye.
00:22:18.37\00:22:20.34
That's why the sincerity--
00:22:20.37\00:22:21.84
Absolutely,
participated in murder.
00:22:21.87\00:22:23.34
Yes, he murdered Uriah, yes.
00:22:23.37\00:22:24.71
Participated in
adultery, you know.
00:22:24.74\00:22:26.07
Yes, adultery. Sin
after sin, but he repented.
00:22:26.11\00:22:29.78
Paul participated
in murder and torture.
00:22:29.81\00:22:32.78
Yes, yes.
00:22:32.81\00:22:34.15
You know, but yeah, he cried out
00:22:34.18\00:22:37.05
and God reached him
00:22:37.09\00:22:38.72
and they were
forgiven for their sins.
00:22:38.75\00:22:41.96
So even though I may
participate in something,
00:22:41.99\00:22:45.83
if I have a true sense of asking
00:22:45.86\00:22:48.53
for forgiveness the
opportunity is there.
00:22:48.56\00:22:51.10
Oh, yes.
00:22:51.13\00:22:52.47
God will forgive me,
00:22:52.50\00:22:53.84
but I still have to
pay for what I've done.
00:22:53.87\00:22:55.90
Yes, you have to, you know,
00:22:55.94\00:22:57.47
that's because
you reap what you sow,
00:22:57.51\00:22:58.84
but God's grace in mercy.
00:22:58.87\00:23:00.21
Absolutely.
00:23:00.24\00:23:01.58
And God, for His grace in mercy.
00:23:01.61\00:23:03.04
So as you look
at what's going on
00:23:03.08\00:23:05.71
with individuals in our society.
00:23:05.75\00:23:08.62
Every aspect impacts a family.
00:23:08.65\00:23:11.29
Every aspect,
trainable child. You know.
00:23:11.32\00:23:13.82
And the way she go,
00:23:13.86\00:23:15.19
when is older she'll not depart.
00:23:15.22\00:23:16.56
So, I mean, we have to
work with our children,
00:23:16.59\00:23:19.39
continue to encourage them,
00:23:19.43\00:23:21.20
let them know what
they are dealing with.
00:23:21.23\00:23:23.77
Our children are
really being faced
00:23:23.80\00:23:26.77
with a tremendous amount
of devastation regarding,
00:23:26.80\00:23:31.71
you know, the things they watch,
00:23:31.74\00:23:33.41
the things they participate in.
00:23:33.44\00:23:35.38
I mean, Satan has
tricked a lot of our families.
00:23:35.41\00:23:38.51
Oh, yes, he has.
00:23:38.55\00:23:39.88
Now, you know, I want
to talk about something.
00:23:39.91\00:23:41.88
In a couple of
months our daughter
00:23:41.92\00:23:43.39
is going to be turning 13.
00:23:43.42\00:23:44.75
Wow.
00:23:44.79\00:23:46.12
We will have
another teenager, you know,
00:23:46.15\00:23:49.42
because we have adult children
and then our little one.
00:23:49.46\00:23:52.59
So are you ready?
00:23:52.63\00:23:55.40
Well, I'm ready as I
can be, but, I mean--
00:23:55.43\00:23:58.23
You know, because
I'm trying to understand
00:23:58.27\00:23:59.60
what everyone is
saying because I didn't go,
00:23:59.63\00:24:00.97
we didn't go
through Jason and Micha,
00:24:01.00\00:24:03.20
but Erin is a little
different because we're older
00:24:03.24\00:24:08.04
and raising her, but, you
know, do you have any concerns
00:24:08.08\00:24:12.25
that you have
about her turning 13?
00:24:12.28\00:24:14.22
Well, you're right.
00:24:14.25\00:24:15.82
Being a teenager?
00:24:15.85\00:24:17.19
You're old, Kim,
so, you know, I mean--
00:24:17.22\00:24:21.02
That's funny.
Yeah, yeah, real funny.
00:24:21.06\00:24:23.43
But raising a
teenager, I mean...
00:24:23.46\00:24:26.93
Is raising a child.
00:24:26.96\00:24:28.30
The essence to all of this
00:24:28.33\00:24:30.13
is being able to give
them the love and understanding
00:24:30.17\00:24:34.07
and the
nurturing that's required
00:24:34.10\00:24:36.37
to help them reach
their full potential.
00:24:36.40\00:24:38.34
Yes.
00:24:38.37\00:24:39.71
You know, I mean, I
may want my daughter,
00:24:39.74\00:24:41.74
I want Erin to be
the best as she can be,
00:24:41.78\00:24:44.81
but Erin will have
to make the final choice
00:24:44.85\00:24:47.32
of what she wants for her life.
00:24:47.35\00:24:49.22
I can try to be
a good role model
00:24:49.25\00:24:51.85
to listen to
hear, to encourage her
00:24:51.89\00:24:54.32
because being a
teenager in today's society
00:24:54.36\00:24:57.29
is definitely a
difficult process.
00:24:57.33\00:24:59.89
If they are there
alone but God will provide us
00:24:59.93\00:25:05.13
with the
steadfastness and the ability
00:25:05.17\00:25:10.17
to do what's ever required
to offer her a good lifestyle.
00:25:10.21\00:25:14.24
I think its very
important that, you know,
00:25:14.28\00:25:16.01
she has the
balance of both you and I,
00:25:16.04\00:25:17.91
but a relationship
with you, you know,
00:25:17.95\00:25:20.42
talk about the
importance of having
00:25:20.45\00:25:22.72
a father daughter relationship
00:25:22.75\00:25:24.85
and how do you
make it work with Erin?
00:25:24.89\00:25:26.29
How do you make
it work with Erin?
00:25:26.32\00:25:28.46
I don't want her
to search for love
00:25:28.49\00:25:29.92
in all the wrong
places because I don't
00:25:29.96\00:25:32.43
or I have not given her
the love that she requires.
00:25:32.46\00:25:36.03
I want her to
understand a relationship
00:25:36.06\00:25:38.43
between a man and a woman,
00:25:38.47\00:25:40.34
the sensitivity that
a man should offer her,
00:25:40.37\00:25:43.84
the nurturing that a man
00:25:43.87\00:25:45.84
should provide to
her and the support.
00:25:45.87\00:25:49.34
So, you know, being a father
00:25:49.38\00:25:51.71
where I can offer these
things to her at this age
00:25:51.75\00:25:54.78
and teach her that she doesn't
had to accept anything that,
00:25:54.82\00:25:59.22
that is substandard
00:25:59.25\00:26:01.52
or she doesn't have
to search for someone.
00:26:01.56\00:26:03.73
Or substituted, you know.
00:26:03.76\00:26:05.09
Yes, you know, I'm so--
00:26:05.13\00:26:06.96
Try to validate who she is.
00:26:07.00\00:26:08.33
Well, we will realize that
when men are not in the home,
00:26:08.36\00:26:12.60
I mean, that's
devastating to the family.
00:26:12.63\00:26:15.74
And right now,
being a single parent
00:26:15.77\00:26:18.51
is a double duty
for a man or a woman.
00:26:18.54\00:26:21.91
There are more and more
men now being a single parent.
00:26:21.94\00:26:24.21
Being a single father's, yes.
00:26:24.25\00:26:25.58
You know, not
just females anymore.
00:26:25.61\00:26:26.95
That's right, that's true.
00:26:26.98\00:26:28.32
So, I mean, it's really
important that we try to offer
00:26:28.35\00:26:32.45
the support from
both perspectives,
00:26:32.49\00:26:35.06
but once again
we have to deal with
00:26:35.09\00:26:37.69
what is really
important that is,
00:26:37.73\00:26:41.16
to maintain a family
unit as best we possibly can.
00:26:41.20\00:26:45.23
That's really powerful, Arthur.
00:26:45.27\00:26:47.07
You know, balancing
your marriage with me,
00:26:47.10\00:26:50.11
you're of three
children, you have, you know,
00:26:50.14\00:26:52.97
our business,
you have, you know,
00:26:53.01\00:26:55.34
the work you do
with the half way houses,
00:26:55.38\00:26:57.75
your golf, you know.
00:26:57.78\00:26:59.71
You can rage on the
golf trip. Oh, I'm so happy.
00:26:59.75\00:27:02.55
Love that goal trip.
00:27:02.58\00:27:03.92
I know you, you
have but-- you know,
00:27:03.95\00:27:05.29
I'm gonna tell
you why I'm so happy
00:27:05.32\00:27:06.65
because I believe
in making it work,
00:27:06.69\00:27:08.32
you need your own me time.
00:27:08.36\00:27:09.99
You know, you
need quality time and,
00:27:10.03\00:27:12.16
so he get's to go for
a week and I get to be
00:27:12.19\00:27:14.80
at home with Erin and
nothing moves, no pillows,
00:27:14.83\00:27:18.73
no nothing, you know,
nothing moves in my house.
00:27:18.77\00:27:21.20
Listen, you know, we're
down to our last few minutes.
00:27:21.24\00:27:23.61
Arthur, the family, you
said that we have to take it
00:27:23.64\00:27:26.57
back to the root of
prayer, communion with God
00:27:26.61\00:27:30.78
and we have to take
our family to church.
00:27:30.81\00:27:33.15
We need to be more responsible
and we need to more inclusive
00:27:33.18\00:27:36.35
of what's going
on the household.
00:27:36.38\00:27:37.75
And if you're a single parent,
you know, try to find mentors.
00:27:37.79\00:27:41.29
You know, to cover the areas
00:27:41.32\00:27:43.93
that maybe you
need some assistance.
00:27:43.96\00:27:45.66
Yes, definitely.
00:27:45.69\00:27:47.03
Well, listen, we want
to thank you for joining us
00:27:47.06\00:27:48.86
on "Making It Work"
and we hope we gave you
00:27:48.90\00:27:50.80
some tools and
things to think about
00:27:50.83\00:27:52.93
and begin to making it work
00:27:52.97\00:27:54.50
and keep it
together within your family.
00:27:54.54\00:27:57.01
I'm Dr Kim Logan Nowlin.
00:27:57.04\00:27:58.47
And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:27:58.51\00:27:59.84
Keep making it work, God bless.
00:27:59.87\00:28:01.24