Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nolin.
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I'm Arthur Nolin.
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And welcome to "Making It Work."
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You know, when I
think about letting go,
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I think about turning
my situation over to God.
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Arthur, what do you think about?
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Well, basically the
same but don't you think
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sometimes that could
be a little difficult?
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It's very
difficult in most situations.
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It's just not an easy process.
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I mean, I hear a lot
of people were saying
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okay, just turn it
over, turn it over.
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But depending on
the circumstances
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it may not be
that easy to turn over
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but that's when
we you have to pray.
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Oh, yes.
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And ask the Lord to step in
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and give you the
strength to turn it over.
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Letting it go is like
really I'm not dealing with this
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in the manner that I
had been dealing with it.
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I'm just gonna move on
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and ask God to step
in and give me guidance.
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Amen.
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Well, today we're so
blessed here on "Making It Work"
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to have a beautiful
couple, they have known,
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that we both have
know for many, many years
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Yes.
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And we want to welcome them.
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They service the family life
leaders of their local church
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the Burns Seventh-day Adventist
Church in Detroit, Michigan.
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And they are the parents
of two beautiful children
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and we just gonna
let them you a story.
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We want to welcome you,
Terence and Tenesia Standifer.
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Thank you for joining us today.
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Thank you for having
us. Thank you for having us.
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Hi, guys.
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Hi, how are you doing?
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Good.
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So I'm talking, you
know, like we normally do.
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Terence, are you still--
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Oh, no, not, not
like we normally know him.
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We're gonna ask
a question to you,
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you should know we are
talking about letting it go.
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Have you let go of
separating the food,
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you know are you still
separating on the food?
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Oh, yeah.
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It's not an
attachment to me it's--
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it's part of life.
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It's-- how I breath,
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its-- its who I am.
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Were you raised with that?
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Separating you
know the corn here--
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Explain, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
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Oh, you're missing it. Okay.
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Now I understand what it,
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but maybe some of
our audience may not.
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Okay, tell us here
little history about--
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You know, you and I
one day were talking.
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Okay, we were at
your home for a meeting
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and we were
talking about the fact
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that I eat one thing at a time
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which is one of
my wife's complaint.
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Because she said, you
can't-- you're missing out.
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You need to mix the
greens with the beans whatever.
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And-- but for me
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I eat one thing at a time
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but I was a guy who
grew up with a plate
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that was had separate spots,
I didn't want my food to touch,
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so I enjoy eating
one thing at a time.
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Which means you
have to be a good cook,
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I'm just tasting
that one thing so I--
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So you don't-- so
when the corn is gone
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then you go to the greens.
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I eat based upon
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the least favorite to
the favorites so that--
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Wow.
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Best taste is the last
thing I take in my mouth.
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That's not-- you didn't
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even share that with us.
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The least favorite to the
favorite, that's too deep.
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Okay, so that's a
method to the madness?
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That's correct. That's correct.
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Oh, to the taste buds.
You never told me that.
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It's just how I work.
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All right, well, listen,
we want you all to tell us
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how you have maintained
this beautiful marriage
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and letting things
go. Tell you testimony.
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Just share with us.
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Wow, letting go.
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How we maintain this
wonderful relationship
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or as you say
beautiful relationship.
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That is beautiful.
We've been married 25 years.
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Twenty five years?
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Twenty five years.
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Yes 25 years, this
year on new years eve--
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So what is that?
That's the silver?
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That's the silver anniversary.
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That's the silver.
Isn't that beautiful?
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And it's a blessing.
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Yes.
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Terence and I have
a unique relationship.
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I am three years older that him,
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and I was told long time ago,
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it will never work.
It would never work.
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You know and I had said
myself when I was younger
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I don't think I could ever
marry anybody younger than me.
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You know, I think I
need somebody older than me,
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you know because my dad
was so much older than my mom.
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And I believe the reason
why I wanted my marriage to work
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so was because I
saw that in my parents.
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Yes, beautiful people.
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They were married 57 years.
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Fifty seven years.
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And I said, I'm
gonna catch up to that.
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I'm gonna catch up with
them. I'm gonna do every thing
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that I need to do to
keep my marriage going.
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To make him happy as
well as make myself happy.
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That's right. That's right.
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You know and then in doing that
at least I think he is happy.
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I think he is.
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He's always smiling
in 25 years present.
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But it hasn't been easy.
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It's not easy and I
don't want to paint the picture
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that marriage is
just this wonderful thing
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and you never argue,
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and you never have disagreements
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but when you can keep
God first in your marriage,
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put him first in everything,
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every decision
you be on one accord
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which is what we
need to be on one accord
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in order to make
that marriage work.
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That's good.
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And but you know for
being this slightly different
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because I come from
a single parent home.
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My Mother raised two sons.
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I have a older
brother his name Brian.
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He is in Indianapolis.
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And the marriage thing
I was kind of personal,
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I could be
married or not be married.
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And so when we met
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the one interesting
thing about for both of us
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because we both came
out of bad relationship
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so we said, we're
gonna take this thing slow.
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And so we did take it
slow, we became friends first.
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And so we did
eventually get married
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but one of the things
that discovered in our marriage
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it was always
good but it was always
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something then that was lagging.
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And the thing that was
lacking is the fact that
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to be honest I had issues
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with not having a father figure
and not seeing relationships,
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good relationships in my life
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and the fact that-- that
having that father figure
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I didn't understand how to love.
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So it was a struggle
for me to love my own kids,
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it was a struggle for me
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to truly be true to her because,
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its funny in our
relationship from time to time
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I would say, you know what,
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I would never let you
see everything about me,
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which is kind of crazy
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because she should
know everything about me.
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That's right. That's right.
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But I figured that if she's
figure this thing about me,
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I'll fit the script and change.
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And if she finds this odd
thing about me I'll switch this.
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Because the bottom line
is, if she saw the real me
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that at some point
in time she would go,
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she would leave
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because there would
be something about me.
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that she would reject.
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You had that fear.
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I had that fear, because
I've always been rejected.
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And so then, some years ago,
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I'll say eight years ago
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when we became
Family Life Leaders
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which was kind of crazy
to us because people say,
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"Hey you got a great marriage.
You do with your of kids."
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And we kind of like,
family life we just us,
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you know, we're kind of
messed up behind the scenes,
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everybody know the truth.
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We really want
to know the truth.
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But in the end, it's a program
that we set in our church
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and we had to administer it
and we applied it to ourselves.
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And that's when God
began this extreme work on us.
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Looking back on our
past and helping us to see
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that the things of your past,
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we let those things
control us that binds us
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instead of
thinking that we're free,
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we were still captured. We
haven't let those things go.
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And that program
that you implement
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was with Pastor Edward.
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That's correct.
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Binding the Wounds.
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Binding the Wounds,
all right our former
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Family Life
directors of the conference
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of the General Conference,
put out the flowers you know.
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And so they
implemented that program.
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So that really helped you.
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Right and then one
of things that God did,
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He said, "Terrance, let
Me show you some things,
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through her father,
my father-in-law, love Me
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through the times
that my kids who have hurt,
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loved Me, without
congestion, love Me."
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And then God finally said,
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"Terrance, you
want to blame Me,"
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because I was
blaming God for everything,
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"You want to blame Me for
the outcome of your father.
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You want to blame Me for
this your life's situation
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but look what you've
done to your daughters,"
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because I hurt them as well.
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Let me
interrupt you for a moment
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because this is
lingering with me,
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especially for what
you just said in regards to
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the love that you feel
from your wife's father,
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and what you feel
from your daughters.
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If you had the opportunity,
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do you forgive your
father, your biological dad?
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Oh, that's a clincher.
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And would you say that in
spite of what is transpired,
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I love you?
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Just like that unconditional
love, you just spoke about.
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See, that's the clinching
part and I finish it this way.
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The relationship that I've
with my father is beautiful
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because God brought us
back together, four years ago.
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And it's just amazing, how
much that he and I are alike.
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Like the same clothes,
we don't eat the same way
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but our characters--
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Nobody eats like
that. Nobody eats like that.
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But our characteristics
are so much alike.
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He's my hero, he
gives me great counsel,
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I listen to him and
we are extremely close.
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Praise God.
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And so because I let him go,
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but the key point
of letting him go,
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I didn't throw him away.
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All right.
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I didn't throw him away.
00:10:05.00\00:10:06.14
I just let go they are hurt
and pain because God showed me,
00:10:06.17\00:10:09.51
what makes you think
you're better that him,
00:10:09.54\00:10:11.59
when you did the
same things that he did.
00:10:11.62\00:10:14.51
And that's what
God had to show me.
00:10:14.54\00:10:16.04
You didn't throw him away.
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Didn't throw him away.
00:10:17.66\00:10:18.69
But, you know, it appeared
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that may be at some
point in that missing
00:10:20.73\00:10:24.75
when he wasn't there,
you know, he wasn't there.
00:10:24.78\00:10:28.99
So, in turn by
him not being there,
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that was a void that existed,
00:10:32.54\00:10:35.46
you know, in your life
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and where you
curious as to why he was not?
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I was always curious.
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I mean, and he came
into my life early and,
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but if I'm honest with myself
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as much as I want
him to be in my life
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I wasn't
prepared to receive him,
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because I hadn't let
go of those things that,
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that was nagging
at the two of us.
00:10:59.25\00:11:02.86
And the end result, it affected
my relationship with my kids,
00:11:02.89\00:11:06.10
it affected my
relationship with my wife
00:11:06.13\00:11:09.02
because she needed
me to be the whole me
00:11:09.05\00:11:12.31
and I couldn't gibe that to her.
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Tenesia.
00:11:14.23\00:11:15.32
Yes.
00:11:15.35\00:11:16.85
What did you see, you know,
00:11:16.88\00:11:18.96
from him because he said
that more than once so far
00:11:18.99\00:11:22.75
that the relationship
with you was affected.
00:11:22.78\00:11:25.54
What was missing to
honor that relationship?
00:11:25.57\00:11:29.12
It was kind of like--
00:11:29.15\00:11:32.51
I guess I could put it this way.
00:11:32.54\00:11:34.94
Me growing up and having my dad
00:11:34.97\00:11:38.23
and him exemplifying the
proper type of male figure
00:11:38.26\00:11:44.04
that a female needs in
her life to complete her,
00:11:44.07\00:11:47.28
this is what I was missing
in that relationship with him.
00:11:47.31\00:11:51.04
It's not that I was
trying to make him dad,
00:11:51.07\00:11:53.21
it was that I
just needed that part
00:11:53.24\00:11:56.85
in that relationship
00:11:56.88\00:11:58.04
because it was
kind of like okay,
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now I've moved away
from my mom or my dad
00:12:00.01\00:12:02.92
and now I'm in
my own relationship
00:12:02.95\00:12:05.25
and I need to have that
same type of relationship
00:12:05.28\00:12:07.95
with my husband that I
saw that my mom and dad had
00:12:07.98\00:12:11.49
and I wasn't getting that.
00:12:11.52\00:12:13.18
So it was kind of
like, I loved him and I knew
00:12:13.21\00:12:16.14
that there was
that void in his life
00:12:16.17\00:12:18.05
and there was nothing I could do
00:12:18.08\00:12:20.51
to fill it for him you know.
00:12:20.54\00:12:23.19
So it was, it was difficult,
00:12:23.22\00:12:26.43
it was kind of hard but--
00:12:26.46\00:12:28.06
And what were you
saying with you girls,
00:12:28.09\00:12:29.79
especially having daughters?
00:12:29.82\00:12:31.21
With my girls, I
was worried at first,
00:12:31.24\00:12:35.03
you know,
because that's his will,
00:12:35.06\00:12:36.68
you know, and I
understand the dynamics
00:12:36.71\00:12:38.87
that happens between a daughter,
00:12:38.90\00:12:41.20
when it's a healthy
relationship between
00:12:41.23\00:12:43.00
a daughter and
father and how they needed
00:12:43.03\00:12:45.88
their dad to be there at those
crucial times in their life.
00:12:45.91\00:12:49.49
You know, well, they
needed daddy to explain
00:12:49.52\00:12:52.14
and show them what a
young lady should be.
00:12:52.17\00:12:55.85
And some things he did do
and then there were some things
00:12:55.88\00:12:59.03
he just did not know how to do.
00:12:59.06\00:13:01.22
And so that's when I had to,
00:13:01.25\00:13:02.81
you know, kind of
improvise a little bit.
00:13:02.84\00:13:04.52
And I didn't want to
takeover his role as being dad,
00:13:04.55\00:13:08.22
but it was just that
lacking and I noticed in them,
00:13:08.25\00:13:12.70
it was a little bit a
strain for them as well.
00:13:12.73\00:13:16.21
I guess I could put it that way.
00:13:16.24\00:13:17.68
You know, and your
girls are how close in age?
00:13:17.71\00:13:19.75
They are seventeen
and half months apart.
00:13:19.78\00:13:21.70
So they don't
right there together.
00:13:21.73\00:13:23.17
They ride together.
00:13:23.20\00:13:25.08
So let's talk about
00:13:25.11\00:13:26.46
the communication
during this process.
00:13:26.49\00:13:28.47
I mean like you said there
is no perfect relationship--
00:13:28.50\00:13:30.77
Not perfect marriage you know.
00:13:30.80\00:13:32.62
Did the children
see a certain behavior
00:13:32.65\00:13:35.77
in their father,
because you still had your
00:13:35.80\00:13:38.10
brother and your father-- Yes.
00:13:38.13\00:13:40.55
You know, as a
support system. Yes.
00:13:40.58\00:13:42.24
You know, so when they
would be around their dad
00:13:42.27\00:13:45.07
and your father and
your brother would be around
00:13:45.10\00:13:47.41
what are the dynamics?
00:13:47.44\00:13:49.04
The dynamics were good.
00:13:49.07\00:13:50.63
It was just that, because
he didn't know how to receive
00:13:50.66\00:13:54.31
their love because he was so
used to rejection like he said.
00:13:54.34\00:13:56.90
A lot of times when the girls,
he would come home from work
00:13:56.93\00:13:59.67
and you know kids are happy.
00:13:59.70\00:14:00.89
Oh Daddy's home.
00:14:00.92\00:14:02.01
They would run to him
00:14:02.04\00:14:03.61
and they want
to jump in his lap.
00:14:03.64\00:14:04.99
And he would just
kind of like stop them.
00:14:05.02\00:14:07.48
And then he would
pull them towards him,
00:14:07.51\00:14:09.94
because I got to get
ready to receive that
00:14:09.97\00:14:12.39
because I'm not used to that.
00:14:12.42\00:14:14.60
I wasn't shown that
as a child growing up.
00:14:14.63\00:14:17.44
So now I've got to condition
myself, these are my daughters.
00:14:17.47\00:14:20.61
I did birth them and I love them
00:14:20.64\00:14:21.99
but I've to learn
how to receive that.
00:14:22.02\00:14:25.32
And now when you see
your girls, you know,
00:14:25.35\00:14:27.79
do you embrace
them? How is it now?
00:14:27.82\00:14:29.92
Now, it is totally 360,
because one of the things,
00:14:29.95\00:14:34.00
because one
things that I did was,
00:14:34.03\00:14:36.46
when God brought
it to my attention,
00:14:36.49\00:14:38.35
He freed me of these
things that were plaguing me.
00:14:38.38\00:14:42.60
I went back to
them and I apologized
00:14:42.63\00:14:44.56
for every single
thing that I did wrong.
00:14:44.59\00:14:47.41
It helped into explain.
00:14:47.44\00:14:49.50
And I help to explain,
this is the reason why.
00:14:49.53\00:14:52.56
And I let them understand.
00:14:52.59\00:14:54.37
Look, it is not
my father's fault
00:14:54.40\00:14:59.13
because I don't
understand the choices,
00:14:59.16\00:15:00.59
I understand the things
that influenced his life.
00:15:00.62\00:15:02.72
So I don't blame my
father for anything.
00:15:02.75\00:15:05.89
And I helped them
to understand that,
00:15:05.92\00:15:08.04
if I fix this now with you,
00:15:08.07\00:15:11.12
your
relationships when it comes--
00:15:11.15\00:15:13.04
when it comes times for
you to be in relationship,
00:15:13.07\00:15:15.65
you be prepared to receive them.
00:15:15.68\00:15:17.66
Because now that hurt
00:15:17.69\00:15:19.29
that I've cost you is
now be able to go away
00:15:19.32\00:15:21.62
because I've made
it right with you.
00:15:21.65\00:15:23.47
And so, so now, my
daughters can come to me
00:15:23.50\00:15:26.58
for any and everything and,
00:15:26.61\00:15:29.51
it's just surprise
of some of the things
00:15:29.54\00:15:30.75
they come to me with.
00:15:30.78\00:15:32.30
I mean like, one time my
oldest one came to me like,
00:15:32.33\00:15:34.72
"Hey, you know what
dad, me and my boyfriend,"
00:15:34.75\00:15:37.57
at that time she
was in high school,
00:15:37.60\00:15:39.74
"We had the sex talk."
00:15:39.77\00:15:41.66
And so typical the
typical parent would say,
00:15:41.69\00:15:44.56
"Wow, I know your decisions--
it's not going to happen."
00:15:44.59\00:15:47.25
But instead I said, "Really,
so what you've decided?"
00:15:47.28\00:15:51.37
I wanted to hear
what her decision was,
00:15:51.40\00:15:53.46
because ultimately she's
gonna be affected by the choice.
00:15:53.49\00:15:55.62
Sure. Sure.
00:15:55.65\00:15:56.90
And so, and so they
are free to discuss with me
00:15:56.93\00:15:59.71
about any and everything
00:15:59.74\00:16:01.37
and there are
sometimes, we still bump heads.
00:16:01.40\00:16:03.38
When I'm and
when I'm wrong I say,
00:16:03.41\00:16:04.90
"Hey, you know what,
I'm sorry for wronging you,"
00:16:04.93\00:16:06.93
because now I understand
00:16:06.96\00:16:09.08
the love that we need to exhibit
00:16:09.11\00:16:11.34
because I'm the first
insight of God to them.
00:16:11.37\00:16:14.43
That's right.
00:16:14.46\00:16:15.49
And so, if I show a bad
reflection of God to them,
00:16:15.52\00:16:19.23
then there attitude
towards God is going to be what?
00:16:19.26\00:16:22.15
Negative.
00:16:22.18\00:16:23.26
And so for me, it is
important that I exhibit
00:16:23.29\00:16:27.21
the insight of
how God has loved me.
00:16:27.24\00:16:29.84
I exhibit it onto them
00:16:29.87\00:16:31.07
because we influence,
we affect one another.
00:16:31.10\00:16:33.77
Oh yeah.
00:16:33.80\00:16:34.83
You know the Bible
says that we win our spouses
00:16:34.86\00:16:36.94
through our character,
but it is also our children
00:16:36.97\00:16:40.14
how we, you know, like you said,
00:16:40.17\00:16:41.91
what we exhibit, in
front of our children,
00:16:41.94\00:16:43.63
God' going to
hold us accountable.
00:16:43.66\00:16:44.76
Absolutely.
00:16:44.79\00:16:45.83
And it's so crucial
00:16:45.86\00:16:47.81
the dynamics they
see in the household.
00:16:47.84\00:16:49.85
And again there are
no perfect marriage,
00:16:49.88\00:16:51.53
no perfect relationships
00:16:51.56\00:16:52.93
but what God wants us to do
00:16:52.96\00:16:54.41
is empower
ourselves with the Word of God
00:16:54.44\00:16:57.32
and to have a mindset like His.
00:16:57.35\00:16:59.80
By beholding we become what?
00:16:59.83\00:17:01.69
Change, you know.
00:17:01.72\00:17:03.35
how did your wife empower you?
00:17:03.38\00:17:07.54
You know I saw you
all yesterday in a program
00:17:07.57\00:17:10.45
and giving your
testimony and you know,
00:17:10.48\00:17:12.93
as you sit here
together, I mean, this is real.
00:17:12.96\00:17:14.81
What you see is
what you get, all right.
00:17:14.84\00:17:17.50
You know and, and
Brother Terence speaks his mind,
00:17:17.53\00:17:21.52
I'm telling you.
00:17:21.55\00:17:22.61
But how did she
help to empower you,
00:17:22.64\00:17:25.08
because she didn't push you
away, she didn't reject you.
00:17:25.11\00:17:28.11
You know how did,
00:17:28.14\00:17:29.30
because at the same
time she was hurting.
00:17:29.33\00:17:31.38
And but she was
still trying pull you.
00:17:31.41\00:17:33.78
How did, how did you
see her balance all this?
00:17:33.81\00:17:36.01
Well, the best
thing about my wife--
00:17:36.04\00:17:38.33
Even before, even
before she became my wife,
00:17:39.33\00:17:42.11
she always let me be me.
00:17:42.14\00:17:44.49
Yes.
00:17:44.52\00:17:45.88
No matter how great it
was or how messy it was
00:17:45.91\00:17:49.37
because at times it was messy
00:17:49.40\00:17:51.31
but she just
allowed me to be me.
00:17:51.34\00:17:54.73
And that was a
great thing because,
00:17:54.76\00:17:59.21
when I was at my worst point
00:17:59.24\00:18:01.39
and this is before
we've even got married,
00:18:01.42\00:18:04.13
she struck by me and I
said, "This is what I needed."
00:18:04.16\00:18:07.71
And the best thing
about it too is that,
00:18:07.74\00:18:09.58
she didn't let me wallow,
00:18:09.61\00:18:10.78
because at one point of
time she said, "Look, Terence,
00:18:10.81\00:18:13.07
I like you, I love
you, you're a great guy,
00:18:13.10\00:18:15.48
but you know, you are
gonna stay in depressive state
00:18:15.51\00:18:17.20
I got to go."
00:18:17.23\00:18:18.40
Got to go. I got to let this go.
00:18:18.43\00:18:19.80
So let it go. Let it go.
00:18:19.83\00:18:22.09
So, then when
she said that's when,
00:18:22.12\00:18:24.31
I need to pull myself
about my bootstraps, and get up
00:18:24.34\00:18:27.47
because I'm about to lose this.
00:18:27.50\00:18:28.96
Now this was
before you got married?
00:18:28.99\00:18:30.23
That's right.
00:18:30.26\00:18:31.29
Just before we got married.
Just before we got married.
00:18:31.32\00:18:33.00
But she is always
been in my corner,
00:18:33.03\00:18:35.45
I mean and sometimes
she dishes out tough love
00:18:35.48\00:18:38.28
and tell me things
that I need to hear.
00:18:38.31\00:18:40.49
But I appreciate that.
00:18:40.52\00:18:41.87
But you recognized
that before you got married?
00:18:41.90\00:18:45.06
I did. I did.
00:18:45.09\00:18:46.13
And you knew it was
going to be a problem for you?
00:18:46.16\00:18:48.27
It was.
00:18:48.30\00:18:50.28
Because you come
from such a loving family.
00:18:50.31\00:18:52.74
I do, and it was my brother
00:18:52.77\00:18:57.59
and my father both
taught me, literally taught me
00:18:57.62\00:19:02.06
what type of man
that I needed in my life.
00:19:02.09\00:19:04.30
And I have to say that
that have to come from God,
00:19:04.33\00:19:07.61
because I prayed for this man.
00:19:07.64\00:19:10.40
I prayed and I got that answer.
00:19:10.43\00:19:12.84
And you know when I was
a kid I used to think that,
00:19:12.87\00:19:15.04
miracles only happen
for adults, you know.
00:19:15.07\00:19:18.61
We can pray and we oh, as
kids we might believe that
00:19:18.64\00:19:22.07
and you know but I
saw it through adults.
00:19:22.10\00:19:24.72
And I said I',
gonna give God a try.
00:19:24.75\00:19:27.48
And I was ready for
my mate and I prayed.
00:19:27.51\00:19:30.63
I told God, "I want a sign."
00:19:30.66\00:19:32.86
And this is what I wanted to be.
00:19:32.89\00:19:34.91
And I went in my
closet so Satan wouldn't hear,
00:19:34.94\00:19:39.11
you know, because I
didn't want him to get involved.
00:19:39.14\00:19:41.99
No way, I was in
my prayer closet.
00:19:42.02\00:19:44.97
And I prayed and I told God
00:19:45.00\00:19:46.03
and I was
specific and I was serious.
00:19:46.06\00:19:47.81
I said, "I'm ready to
get married and I like him,"
00:19:47.84\00:19:50.90
and I said, "and this is
what I need from you, God."
00:19:50.93\00:19:53.52
And He gave me that answer.
00:19:53.55\00:19:55.53
So I knew this was
my spouse for life.
00:19:55.56\00:19:57.68
For life. For life.
00:19:57.71\00:19:59.17
But I think, I think,
00:19:59.20\00:20:01.48
what I get out of
this is the fact that,
00:20:01.51\00:20:04.51
you became proactive.
00:20:04.54\00:20:06.04
Yes, I do.
00:20:06.07\00:20:07.44
You know, you
recognize a situation
00:20:07.47\00:20:09.88
that may have caused some
barriers in your relationship
00:20:09.91\00:20:16.11
and you addressed them instead
of letting them linger on.
00:20:16.14\00:20:19.71
Right.
00:20:19.74\00:20:20.77
I didn't want to
start a relationship
00:20:20.80\00:20:24.45
in a depressive state because--
00:20:24.48\00:20:26.81
I mean, that's what he was.
00:20:26.84\00:20:27.87
And, you know,
I have always been
00:20:27.90\00:20:28.99
a happy go lucky
person, I'm always smiling,
00:20:29.02\00:20:31.48
I've got
something to laugh about.
00:20:31.51\00:20:32.79
And it was bringing
me down, and I could not,
00:20:32.82\00:20:35.88
I could not do that.
00:20:35.91\00:20:37.17
And I didn't
want him to be down.
00:20:37.20\00:20:38.66
Yes.
00:20:38.69\00:20:39.72
And this was someone
that I was truly interested in
00:20:39.75\00:20:42.15
and I not only wanted to help me
00:20:42.18\00:20:44.00
but I really wanted to help him.
00:20:44.03\00:20:45.76
And I needed to see
that this was a flag
00:20:45.79\00:20:49.64
that needed to be addressed now.
00:20:49.67\00:20:51.65
Now.
00:20:51.68\00:20:52.71
You know, not too long
ago you went through something
00:20:52.74\00:20:56.55
and letting it go
but how do you let go
00:20:56.58\00:20:59.25
of losing your father,
00:20:59.28\00:21:01.09
someone who was such a
giant hero in your life?
00:21:01.12\00:21:04.10
Yes, he was.
00:21:04.13\00:21:05.16
Let's talk about that.
You know Brother Fuller.
00:21:05.19\00:21:06.99
Brother Fuller. Hopper.
00:21:07.02\00:21:09.06
Hopper Fuller.
00:21:09.09\00:21:10.13
Sharpest man in Burns.
00:21:10.16\00:21:11.57
That is the way it is.
00:21:11.60\00:21:13.13
Wear suit and
ties and those hats.
00:21:13.16\00:21:16.00
Yes.
00:21:16.03\00:21:17.06
My dad, he is still my hero.
00:21:17.09\00:21:19.24
I know he is resting
and waiting for Jesus.
00:21:19.27\00:21:22.48
But I learned to
let the idea of him
00:21:26.17\00:21:30.75
not being
physically present with me
00:21:30.78\00:21:32.77
go probably after a
year after his death,
00:21:32.80\00:21:36.56
because I didn't
know how to do this.
00:21:36.59\00:21:40.41
And every day I was on
my knees and I was like,
00:21:40.44\00:21:42.34
"Lord, I don't
know how to do this."
00:21:42.37\00:21:43.74
You know this was
somebody that I depended on,
00:21:43.77\00:21:46.83
this was somebody that I loved,
00:21:46.86\00:21:48.39
I truly loved
unconditionally and what am
00:21:48.42\00:21:50.53
I going to do
without this man in my life?
00:21:50.56\00:21:53.88
And I'm not saying that I
wanted to put him above God
00:21:53.91\00:21:56.95
because I couldn't,
but it was just that
00:21:56.98\00:21:59.44
my earthly father was gone.
00:21:59.47\00:22:01.31
Yes.
00:22:01.34\00:22:02.37
I couldn't touch him no more,
00:22:02.40\00:22:03.43
I couldn't love
him no more physically.
00:22:03.46\00:22:05.53
You know, how was
I gonna do this, God?
00:22:05.56\00:22:08.73
In each and every
single day the hurt just
00:22:08.76\00:22:12.61
seemed to dissipate,
just slowly but surely
00:22:12.64\00:22:16.33
and it was the work of the Lord.
00:22:16.36\00:22:18.14
It had to be, because
you know I think back about
00:22:18.17\00:22:22.21
that time and
how that whole year,
00:22:22.24\00:22:24.23
I lost 40 pounds of weight.
00:22:24.26\00:22:25.74
I remember.
00:22:25.77\00:22:26.80
I lost 40 pounds.
00:22:26.83\00:22:27.86
I walked every
single day outside.
00:22:27.89\00:22:31.34
And every single day
that I was out there,
00:22:31.37\00:22:33.35
I communed with God.
00:22:33.38\00:22:34.41
I prayed and I talked to Him.
00:22:34.44\00:22:36.68
And I just enjoyed
being in nature with Him
00:22:36.71\00:22:39.46
as He helped me
through that process
00:22:39.49\00:22:42.10
of learning how to let go,
00:22:42.13\00:22:44.25
you know,
physically but not mentally.
00:22:44.28\00:22:47.48
I have daddy here
all day and all night.
00:22:47.51\00:22:49.78
I could think and laugh
about things that we did.
00:22:49.81\00:22:52.20
You know it was just, it
was good and it was a good
00:22:52.23\00:22:55.57
father and daughter
relationship and I think
00:22:55.60\00:22:57.57
that's what made it so hard.
00:22:57.60\00:22:58.94
And you were the youngest.
00:22:58.97\00:23:00.24
And I was the baby.
00:23:00.27\00:23:01.30
And, you know, when
daddy was towards the end he--
00:23:01.33\00:23:06.34
I was talking in his ear
and I told him and I said,
00:23:06.37\00:23:08.53
"Do you know who I am?"
00:23:08.56\00:23:10.35
and he said,
"You're my baby, my baby,
00:23:10.38\00:23:12.74
my baby." You know, and
then that stayed in my mind.
00:23:12.77\00:23:15.33
And, you know, and that
gave me comfort as well.
00:23:15.36\00:23:18.41
So it was little
things like that that the Lord
00:23:18.44\00:23:20.69
let me see, this is
how you let go, physically,
00:23:20.72\00:23:24.82
but you'll always
have him here and here
00:23:24.85\00:23:28.68
and in my heart.
00:23:28.71\00:23:29.83
Oh, that's so beautiful.
00:23:29.86\00:23:31.29
And seriously going
through that process I mean,
00:23:31.32\00:23:34.28
how did you see yourself
00:23:34.31\00:23:36.36
being a support system for her?
00:23:36.39\00:23:38.22
Well, you know when
she lost her father,
00:23:38.25\00:23:41.19
I kind of felt like
I lost my second dad.
00:23:41.22\00:23:45.14
Because he was there with--
00:23:45.17\00:23:47.77
there for me in a
lot of those empty years.
00:23:47.80\00:23:50.62
And-- but because I was
in the better position now
00:23:50.65\00:23:56.03
all I needed to
do is that she needs
00:23:56.06\00:23:58.81
someone to talk
to, be there for her.
00:23:58.84\00:24:01.42
If needs to
have someone yell at,
00:24:01.45\00:24:04.03
hey, I'm your son on the breast.
00:24:04.06\00:24:06.10
I would borrow her shoulders.
00:24:06.13\00:24:07.84
Whatever you
need me to lift, move,
00:24:07.87\00:24:09.81
what have you is
to be there for her.
00:24:09.84\00:24:12.21
And so, and so there's
times where I'd sit next to her
00:24:12.24\00:24:16.45
just let her cry,
cry on my shoulders.
00:24:16.48\00:24:18.59
There're the times we
walk together, and she,
00:24:18.62\00:24:21.25
and she discuss, you
know, I remember this story
00:24:21.28\00:24:23.88
about my dad, I
remember that story
00:24:23.91\00:24:25.19
about my dad but the best
part is because we have always,
00:24:25.22\00:24:28.13
we've been through a
lot of things together.
00:24:28.16\00:24:30.90
I was there to say hey,
I remember that same story
00:24:30.93\00:24:33.19
and how your dad had me
to chop up the sidewalks
00:24:33.22\00:24:36.29
with him and how he
helped me change out
00:24:36.32\00:24:38.92
the transmission in my car,
in the code, in North Carolina.
00:24:38.95\00:24:41.95
So we were able to
share the stories together.
00:24:41.98\00:24:45.62
And so and so--
whatever she needed me to be
00:24:45.65\00:24:49.01
I was there for her.
00:24:49.04\00:24:50.07
So it was a lot easier
because now I'm able to love,
00:24:50.10\00:24:53.86
give love freely.
00:24:53.89\00:24:55.65
How do you spend
your time together?
00:24:55.68\00:24:59.38
You know, what do you do
together to enjoy one another?
00:24:59.41\00:25:03.88
How about you tell that story?
00:25:03.91\00:25:06.07
How about you tell
that story about Columbus?
00:25:06.10\00:25:10.56
Couple years ago, what,
might have been three now,
00:25:10.59\00:25:13.00
you know, the "Just
Claim It" that we usually have.
00:25:13.03\00:25:15.16
Yes.
00:25:15.19\00:25:16.46
We're invited to be the
guests at "Just Claim It"
00:25:16.49\00:25:18.96
and I think it's Dr. Black?
00:25:18.99\00:25:22.78
Dr. Black. James Black.
00:25:22.81\00:25:25.30
We had gotten his
book and we like intimacy
00:25:25.33\00:25:31.35
and the intimate moment with
Terence is just riding along
00:25:31.38\00:25:35.43
in the car on our way to
find something to eat that day.
00:25:35.46\00:25:39.32
And I want to read the book.
00:25:39.35\00:25:41.48
I mean, just simplicity
is best in some cases.
00:25:41.67\00:25:46.13
And I just felt like that
was the most romantic moment,
00:25:46.16\00:25:50.47
I'm sharing this book
about Dr. Black's story
00:25:50.50\00:25:55.05
and it was so good
and, you know, we--
00:25:55.08\00:25:59.09
I mean, just reading
and we're driving along
00:25:59.12\00:26:01.19
and we were looking and
it was beautiful weather
00:26:01.22\00:26:03.34
and it was just it was so real.
00:26:03.37\00:26:05.55
It was, it was absolutely--
00:26:05.58\00:26:07.67
Like even, even this,
even early this morning
00:26:07.70\00:26:10.27
we were supposed to have
parenting group at our church,
00:26:10.30\00:26:12.88
but it got cancelled.
00:26:12.91\00:26:14.39
And so, and so, we're
just out in the street
00:26:14.42\00:26:17.84
and so we stop by as
to pick up a few items.
00:26:17.87\00:26:21.24
We had some breakfast with us,
00:26:21.27\00:26:23.43
so we two decided is to
take a drive in our area,
00:26:23.46\00:26:26.96
we went to the beach,
stayed in the car of course,
00:26:26.99\00:26:29.38
because it's too
cold to be outside.
00:26:29.41\00:26:31.17
But we are at the
beach, inside the car,
00:26:31.20\00:26:33.56
we were looking out of the water
00:26:33.59\00:26:34.71
and the birds and we are just
enjoying one other's company.
00:26:34.74\00:26:37.83
One of the things
that we discovered
00:26:37.86\00:26:39.42
about our marriage now,
00:26:39.45\00:26:40.94
the importance of intimacy
and its not always physically
00:26:40.97\00:26:45.00
because the physical
goes away after a while--
00:26:45.03\00:26:47.83
Oh, yes. Yes, it does.
00:26:47.86\00:26:49.05
But the thing is to spend
every moment with each other
00:26:49.08\00:26:52.95
and enjoying one
another's company.
00:26:52.98\00:26:55.20
Hearing her thoughts,
hearing her view points
00:26:55.23\00:26:57.86
and sometimes it
may or may not agree
00:26:57.89\00:27:00.05
or be in line with viewers,
00:27:00.08\00:27:01.28
but the fact is
that I have this woman
00:27:01.31\00:27:04.98
and I can
experience the whole Tenesia.
00:27:05.01\00:27:08.70
Her-- what she has to offer me,
00:27:08.73\00:27:11.03
not what I want her to offer me,
00:27:11.06\00:27:12.80
but what she has to offer me
and I cherish that above all.
00:27:12.83\00:27:17.20
You know what
listen, I can give,
00:27:17.23\00:27:18.68
we got our last 42 seconds.
00:27:18.71\00:27:20.34
I just want to say
that intimacy being into me
00:27:20.37\00:27:24.63
and letting things go,
will help enhance that.
00:27:24.66\00:27:29.19
Give us a closing
mark, in this last you know,
00:27:29.22\00:27:32.55
15 seconds, you know,
to help folk let it go.
00:27:32.58\00:27:37.34
Letting go is letting
God first and foremost
00:27:37.37\00:27:40.59
and you have to
have the understanding
00:27:40.62\00:27:44.49
that it's gonna be all right.
00:27:44.52\00:27:46.36
It's gonna be
all right to let go.
00:27:46.39\00:27:48.15
And it gives you freedom.
00:27:48.18\00:27:49.53
And the freedom, freedom--
00:27:49.56\00:27:50.59
Gives you freedom.
00:27:50.62\00:27:51.97
I like that freedom.
00:27:52.00\00:27:53.30
Well, listen Arthur, I
want freedom every day, amen,
00:27:53.33\00:27:56.47
into me.
00:27:56.50\00:27:57.53
Listen, I love
you, guys. Love you too.
00:27:57.56\00:28:00.37
Love you so much.
00:28:00.40\00:28:01.43
Listen, I'm Dr.
Kim Logan-Nowlin.
00:28:01.46\00:28:03.33
I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:28:03.36\00:28:04.58
And let's
continue to "Let It Go"
00:28:04.61\00:28:06.39
through "Making It Work."
00:28:06.42\00:28:07.86
God bless you.
00:28:07.89\00:28:09.14