Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin.
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And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
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Welcome to "making it work."
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Welcome back to
"making it work."
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Arthur, you know
in today's society,
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there are women who are longing
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to have a good full life.
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I was one of
those women, I still am.
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Okay.
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Well, on today's
program, we want to talk about
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remembering Julian.
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And I want to welcome our
special guest, Jami Vaughn.
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All right.
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Jami, welcome to
"making it work."
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How are you
doing? Yes, definitely.
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I'm doing very well. Thank you.
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Thank you so much
for being with us.
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Well, we want to talk about you
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and then tell our
viewing audience about Julian.
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Let's talk about Jami Vaughn.
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Tells us about who you are
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and little bit about your
childhood and your education.
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Okay, I grew up
in a nuclear family
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with my mother, my
father and my brother.
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Okay.
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And my brother and I
weren't very close at first,
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but we're very close now.
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And I went to high school
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and I went to
Eastern Michigan University
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and graduated with a
bachelor's degree of science.
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All right.
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And currently I'm at
University of the Rockies,
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earning my master's
degree which I'll be graduating
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in October with Honors.
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And I plan to
pursue my doctor's degree,
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but first I'm
gonna go for my LPC,
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Licensed Professional Counselor.
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And we'll see what
happens from there.
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I tell you, I'm
meeting a lot of future LPC,
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Licensed Professional Counselor.
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Well, let's talk about
your relation with your mom.
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You have a good
one with your mother?
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Yes. All right.
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What do you all do together?
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We sometimes go out to eat.
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She likes to cook a lot
so, she has a lot of barbecues.
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I'm always over to her house.
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Okay. Great.
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We sometimes play golf.
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Okay. Oh-oh.
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What did you say?
You are a golfer, Jami.
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I used to be, but she's
trying to get me back into it.
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Did you like the game?
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Yes and no.
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Okay, but you also
ride a motorcycle also.
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Yes, I do.
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You know, Jami--
and she has that,
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what is that, what is that?
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My helmet. Your
helmet and everything.
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I mean the leather
jacket, everything.
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Did your mom--
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Are you in a motorcycle gang?
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No.
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Do they really say
motorcycle gang or clubs?
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Clubs. Thank you so much, clubs.
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Excuse me, Kim.
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Okay, you know, do
you-- does your mother ride?
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No. Okay.
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Oh, you said-- She's terrified.
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You know, I had an
accident on the motorcycle once,
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and it really--
It devastated me.
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Did it mess up your head?
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No, it did not, all right.
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You know,
you've got jokes today.
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I'm just asking,
you know, because--
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But it did mess me, my body.
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Motorcycle accidents usually
can cause damage to your head.
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Head injuries. Yes.
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But, no, I was
blessed. Okay, this is--
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But didn't hit you that hard.
What you see is what you get.
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All right.
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So we're just thankful for that.
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You've recovery
though. Am I recovering?
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Oh, yes.
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You know, you know,
don't we just love Arthur.
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But let's get back to Jami.
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Jami remembering Julian, I
want to talk about your life,
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okay, and some of the
things that you've experienced.
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You grew up in a nuclear
family where mother and father
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were married and your
parents were divorced.
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How old were you when
your parents got divorced?
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13. You were 13.
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What's that do to you?
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I was very confused, but
I was pretty mature at 13.
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Yes.
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And I still was able to
see my father every Wednesdays
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and every other weekend.
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Okay.
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So now during this process,
you were able to see him,
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spend time with him
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and you always
wanted to be with him.
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Always want to
be around him still?
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Yes. Okay.
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Now let me ask you this.
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During the process
you met someone, okay,
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and you became sexually active.
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Yes. Okay.
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You are not married.
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What did that do
to your relationship
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because something happened
with your relation with God,
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but something happened
when you became sexually active?
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Tell us what happened?
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I actually found out,
well, my instincts told me
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that something was
going on with my body,
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but I wasn't
really paying attention.
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So one day I decided
to wake up in the morning
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and start to
take a pregnancy test
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and it said that I was
pregnant and I was in disbelief
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because I've
always wanted a child.
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I've had maternal
instincts since I was a child
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maybe about seven.
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Why did you always want
a child even being single?
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Yes. Okay being a Christian?
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Okay and they would
call that being out of order
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because you weren't married.
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Right.
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I mean, we can
be transparent here.
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So you always wanted to
have a child, all right.
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Yes, and so I was a
little nervous at first
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and I wasn't sure
exactly what to do.
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So I called a
friend of mine and told her
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and I was really ecstatic
like, what do I do and she said,
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well, you need to make
a doctor's appointment.
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So I made an
appointment with my obstetrician
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and the next day, I
went in and saw her.
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And she-- I was given
another test and she said,
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yes, you're
pregnant, right away.
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And I, I almost cried.
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You almost cried,
you were so happy.
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Yes. All right.
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Did you go and tell
your family right away?
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I went straight into
work and I told my co-workers
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and my mother and my aunt.
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And their mouths hit the floor.
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Okay, okay.
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Yes. All right.
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What about the dad, you know?
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I told him when I found
out I was five weeks pregnant,
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very early on.
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And I told him and he
wasn't sure exactly what to do
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and I told him,
well, we weren't really
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in a relationship and
whatever you want to do is fine.
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I'm not gonna
force you to be around
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if you don't want to be around.
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So he wasn't that
enthusiastic about the child.
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No. Okay.
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All right. What
was his decision?
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He said walk away.
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Okay. He walked away.
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From the
relationship and everything?
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We were not in
relationship to be honest.
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And to walk away from the child.
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Okay, so you accepted
that and you've to move on.
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Okay. Then what happened?
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Then I went about my pregnancy.
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I had a very
healthy very normal one.
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I was just so happy.
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Every day I was like,
wow, this can't be true.
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You know, there's a
baby growing inside me.
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And when I went to
my first ultrasound,
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it really kicked in.
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So I was able to
see a baby on a screen,
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and heard the
heartbeat and everything.
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And then when I went
to my second ultrasound
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that's when I found
out that I was having a boy
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and I was very, very happy
because last year I experienced
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a very traumatic
loss, I lost my father.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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And I just-- I lost it
but some part of me said
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you have to keep going on.
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Yes, yes.
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So-- And this was when
I found out about November
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that I was having a boy.
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Okay.
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And then I started doing
the mommy thing, you know,
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decorating the
nursery and buying a crib
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and certain little clothes.
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I wanted to buy everything.
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I didn't even want to
wait for the baby shower.
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In December I decided
to pick the name Julian.
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My family just
absolutely loved it.
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Well, before that I decided
to take a trip to Chicago,
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where my family is to tell them
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because I don't want
to tell them at first
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because I want to
get through my trimester
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to make sure that
everything was okay.
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Yes.
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And when I told them,
they were just so overjoyed.
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It was amazing. Okay.
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And everything
just went from there.
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Still, everything was normal,
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went to every
doctor's appointment
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and I was eating healthy
and I was just enjoying life.
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I couldn't have been happier.
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Okay and then what happened?
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And then, February came around.
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I went to the
holidays with my family
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and on the 5th,
it was a normal day.
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I did a little bit of shopping
and went to bed that night.
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And about 2
o'clock in the morning
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I woke up with
a really bad pain.
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And I had been experiencing
Braxton Hicks contractions
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and that's what I thought it was
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but nothing had woke me
up out of my sleep before
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while I was pregnant.
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So that Sunday, I
went about my day,
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did a little shopping
and I had them all day,
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not thinking of
anything was wrong
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or that everything was fine.
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And then that
Monday morning came around,
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which was the 6th and I
called my doctor and said,
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"I haven't felt him move."
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And she said, "I want
you to come here right away."
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So I went in and the
whole time I'm praying,
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I'm just saying, you know,
hope everything is just okay.
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And I went in,
she took me right away
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and she put a fetal monitoring
on me listening for heartbeat.
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And she couldn't
exactly find one but she said,
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"I want you to walk
around for a little bit",
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because I remembered,
at one of my ultrasounds,
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he liked to
sleep on his stomach.
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Okay.
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And so-- In my mind, you know,
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he's just covering up his heart,
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you know, you
can't really hear it.
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So she did it again and
she didn't hear anything
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and she said, "I want you to
go to the hospital right now."
00:09:38.95\00:09:40.96
And then I'm thinking like,
oh, no, no, nothing is wrong,
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you know, this is just-- we're
just in the doctor's office.
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Something is
wrong with the machine.
00:09:46.56\00:09:48.72
Yes.
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So I called my mother, my aunt
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who happened to
be around the corner.
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I said, "We need to get
at the hospital, right away
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because they say
something is wrong."
00:09:54.56\00:09:57.01
So what were you
feeling right there, you know,
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right at that
moment, when you were--
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And you drove
yourself to the hospital.
00:10:00.47\00:10:02.38
Yes, I did. My.
00:10:02.41\00:10:04.69
I actually started
going in a wrong direction
00:10:04.72\00:10:06.61
and then I was like,
hospital is that way.
00:10:06.64\00:10:09.62
My goodness, okay.
00:10:09.65\00:10:10.96
And I got-- I was just
praying the whole time.
00:10:10.99\00:10:13.44
I was talking, I said, you know,
00:10:13.47\00:10:15.70
Lord please, say
everything is okay.
00:10:15.73\00:10:17.80
I said, Julian, will
you just move a little bit.
00:10:17.83\00:10:21.16
I said, mommy's got
it, everything is okay.
00:10:21.19\00:10:23.90
And I got to the hospital,
went up to fetal imaging.
00:10:23.93\00:10:27.41
They took me right away.
00:10:27.44\00:10:28.83
They strapped
the belly band on me,
00:10:28.86\00:10:30.29
trying to listen for heartbeat.
00:10:30.32\00:10:31.56
They couldn't find one.
00:10:31.59\00:10:32.62
They brought in the
screen and did an ultrasound
00:10:32.65\00:10:35.51
and they said, "Do you
see the triangle right there."
00:10:35.54\00:10:37.08
I said, yes.
00:10:37.11\00:10:38.15
They said, "Well, it's
supposed to be red lights
00:10:38.18\00:10:40.03
and it flashing
shows heartbeat."
00:10:40.06\00:10:41.72
And they said, "he
does not have a heartbeat."
00:10:41.75\00:10:43.60
My Lord.
00:10:43.63\00:10:45.35
That must have been devastating.
00:10:45.38\00:10:47.53
It was, I was still like,
no, the doctor needs to come in
00:10:47.56\00:10:51.41
and say that.
00:10:51.44\00:10:52.47
I was like something is
wrong with the machine again.
00:10:52.50\00:10:54.68
Then the doctor
came in and said it.
00:10:54.71\00:10:56.43
And I just broke down.
00:10:56.46\00:10:59.34
You broke down and cried.
00:10:59.37\00:11:00.99
And my mother and my
aunt had just walked in
00:11:01.02\00:11:04.21
and they asked me, "Do you want
to tell them what happened?"
00:11:04.24\00:11:06.89
Well, my face was covered
and I just shook my head no.
00:11:06.92\00:11:09.95
And they told them and
my mother hit the floor.
00:11:09.98\00:11:12.69
My aunt ran out of
the room and I was just--
00:11:12.72\00:11:15.56
I was still crying.
00:11:15.59\00:11:17.05
And they said we need
to get you to another room.
00:11:17.08\00:11:19.81
And I wasn't thinking. I
was like, no, this cannot be.
00:11:19.84\00:11:22.65
My first pregnancy, my
first child, this can't be.
00:11:22.68\00:11:26.93
And when I-- When they
whirled me to the next room,
00:11:26.96\00:11:29.55
they came in and talked to me.
00:11:29.58\00:11:30.88
I said, "Well, what
you gonna have to do?"
00:11:30.91\00:11:32.36
and they were like,
00:11:32.39\00:11:33.42
well, you're gonna
have to deliver him.
00:11:33.45\00:11:34.78
And I was like, how.
00:11:34.81\00:11:38.07
My mother asked,
can I get the C section.
00:11:38.10\00:11:41.19
And they said,
we only do C section
00:11:41.22\00:11:42.89
unless it's an emergency.
00:11:42.92\00:11:44.05
And she does not need one.
00:11:44.08\00:11:46.34
I didn't know that?
00:11:46.37\00:11:48.48
And they said
you did not need one?
00:11:48.51\00:11:50.46
Right.
00:11:50.49\00:11:51.53
So therefore, you had
to-- they'd induced you labor.
00:11:51.56\00:11:54.01
Yes.
00:11:54.04\00:11:55.14
You had to go
through the entire process.
00:11:55.17\00:11:57.39
Yes.
00:11:57.42\00:11:58.45
Knowing that your
child was not living.
00:11:58.48\00:12:00.17
Right.
00:12:00.20\00:12:01.25
And this was about 11 o'clock
in the morning and they said,
00:12:01.28\00:12:04.00
"Well, we're gonna keep
you as comfortable as possible.
00:12:04.03\00:12:06.38
You let us know when
you're ready to start."
00:12:06.41\00:12:08.68
I had family and a few
friends come up to my room
00:12:08.71\00:12:11.48
and I was sitting there like,
I can't believe this is it.
00:12:11.51\00:12:14.22
I didn't have a baby
shower, I didn't do anything,
00:12:14.25\00:12:17.66
I didn't prepare, I didn't
have a bag packed, you know,
00:12:17.69\00:12:20.68
I'm just here.
00:12:20.71\00:12:22.17
And it wasn't until
6:30 that evening, I said,
00:12:22.20\00:12:24.25
"Okay, you can give me the pills
00:12:24.28\00:12:25.66
to start inducing my labor."
00:12:25.69\00:12:27.97
And 12 o'clock I was in
labor total for 10 hours.
00:12:28.00\00:12:31.04
10 hours? Yes.
00:12:31.07\00:12:33.23
And by 12 AM hit I
was in excruciating pain
00:12:33.26\00:12:36.51
and I was scared of taking
the pill but they, you know,
00:12:36.54\00:12:39.60
I said I want one.
00:12:39.63\00:12:40.84
The doctor came in
and my eyes were closed
00:12:40.87\00:12:42.94
because I was in
such excruciating pain.
00:12:42.97\00:12:45.33
And they said, "Your blood
count show that you're at risk
00:12:45.36\00:12:48.33
for bleeding out, so
we can't give you one."
00:12:48.36\00:12:50.42
Oh. You can't get half a dose.
00:12:50.45\00:12:52.33
No. No.
00:12:52.36\00:12:53.43
They gave me
different pain medications
00:12:53.46\00:12:55.75
because it wasn't
gonna affect Julian
00:12:55.78\00:12:57.93
but it wasn't strong enough.
00:12:57.96\00:12:59.13
So basically I
had to do it natural.
00:12:59.16\00:13:00.80
Had to do it natural.
00:13:00.83\00:13:02.08
Yes, and I remember everything
was going through my head.
00:13:02.11\00:13:04.74
I'm going through all
this pain for whatever reason,
00:13:04.77\00:13:07.49
he's not alive and I
heard my mother, she was there,
00:13:07.52\00:13:10.80
she was saying, "You
have to go through this."
00:13:10.83\00:13:12.60
And then I just-- something
said you have to do it.
00:13:12.63\00:13:15.88
And by 4:08 in the morning,
00:13:15.91\00:13:19.81
I delivered him
00:13:19.84\00:13:21.81
and I remember asking before,
00:13:21.84\00:13:23.69
what is he gonna look
like, what's gonna happen
00:13:23.72\00:13:26.12
and they said,
"We're not exactly sure
00:13:26.15\00:13:27.51
because we don't know how
long he has been passed away."
00:13:27.54\00:13:30.28
So after I
delivered him, I didn't look--
00:13:30.31\00:13:32.75
You didn't look at Julian.
00:13:32.78\00:13:34.02
No, I was really
afraid, I didn't want to see.
00:13:34.05\00:13:38.48
And then they took him away.
00:13:38.51\00:13:39.97
I heard the doctors
and my mother saying,
00:13:40.00\00:13:42.51
"He looks very well.
00:13:42.54\00:13:44.48
He is a full turned
baby and he's beautiful."
00:13:44.51\00:13:47.32
Beautiful baby. Yes.
00:13:47.35\00:13:49.32
So they brought him
over to me and I was shaking
00:13:49.35\00:13:54.09
and they put him in my
arms and I just looked at him
00:13:54.12\00:13:57.22
and I just kissed him.
00:13:57.25\00:13:58.76
It's all right. It's all right.
00:14:02.63\00:14:04.32
Yes, and I held him,
00:14:04.35\00:14:08.92
I talked to him, I prayed.
00:14:08.95\00:14:12.64
I felt bad, I
blamed myself at first.
00:14:12.67\00:14:14.92
Why did you blame yourself Jami?
00:14:14.95\00:14:17.21
Thinking there's something
that I could have done.
00:14:17.24\00:14:19.06
Yes.
00:14:19.09\00:14:20.77
But you did everything right.
00:14:20.80\00:14:22.48
Right, something that my
aunt had told me was that,
00:14:22.51\00:14:26.93
"Look at him, look how healthy
there he is, you know he is.
00:14:26.96\00:14:30.08
What does that say about you?"
00:14:30.11\00:14:32.40
When you felt the
first Braxton Hicks sore
00:14:32.43\00:14:34.70
that night before,
00:14:34.73\00:14:36.86
if you could do
it all over again,
00:14:36.89\00:14:38.77
would you have
gone to the hospital?
00:14:38.80\00:14:40.15
Yes.
00:14:40.18\00:14:41.51
And the father, he
never contacted you to see
00:14:44.02\00:14:47.89
how you were
feeling or didn't know
00:14:47.92\00:14:50.20
what you had gone through.
00:14:50.23\00:14:51.91
No, he still doesn't
know. He still doesn't know.
00:14:51.94\00:14:53.56
To this day he doesn't
know anything what has happened.
00:14:53.59\00:14:55.45
No. You have no
contact with him.
00:14:55.48\00:14:57.35
None.
00:14:57.38\00:14:58.46
Okay, thank God for your family,
00:14:58.49\00:15:00.39
the support of your family.
00:15:00.42\00:15:01.59
Yes. Thank God for God.
00:15:01.62\00:15:03.37
So now all right, they
bring Julian over to you.
00:15:03.40\00:15:06.89
You've had a still birth death.
00:15:06.92\00:15:09.32
And let's talk about
that just for a second
00:15:09.35\00:15:11.52
and that's when
the placenta separates
00:15:11.55\00:15:13.76
from the urinary wall,
00:15:13.79\00:15:16.86
and you had eruption, abruption.
00:15:16.89\00:15:20.36
And so let's look at now,
they bring the baby over to you
00:15:20.39\00:15:24.90
and you see Julian.
00:15:24.93\00:15:26.01
Do you take him and hold
him or was it mommy holding him?
00:15:26.04\00:15:28.32
I was holding him.
You were holding him.
00:15:28.35\00:15:29.96
Yes. You actually hold him.
00:15:29.99\00:15:31.21
Yes.
00:15:31.24\00:15:32.27
What was your first
reaction when you saw him?
00:15:32.30\00:15:34.13
He is not crying.
00:15:38.12\00:15:39.50
He is not crying.
00:15:39.53\00:15:41.76
And that he was cute.
00:15:41.79\00:15:43.23
He was cute.
00:15:43.26\00:15:44.30
Did it hit you that
your baby was not living?
00:15:44.33\00:15:48.30
Not right away because
he just, he was sleeping.
00:15:48.33\00:15:52.10
He was just sleeping. Hmm-hmm.
00:15:52.13\00:15:55.23
In my mind that's
what he was doing.
00:15:55.26\00:15:57.43
But I held him and
family came to visit me
00:15:57.46\00:16:02.36
and I just, I looked
at him from head to toe.
00:16:02.39\00:16:05.94
Yes.
00:16:05.97\00:16:07.04
Almost, you know, 10 fingers,
10 toes, head full of hairs,
00:16:07.07\00:16:10.57
he was just beautiful.
00:16:10.60\00:16:11.98
And the doctors came
in and said, "You know,
00:16:12.01\00:16:14.20
obliviously we gonna have
to move you to another room."
00:16:14.23\00:16:16.05
And I said, "Okay" and
I still just sat there,
00:16:16.08\00:16:19.02
hadn't had any sleep.
00:16:19.05\00:16:20.59
Everybody was saying, you
know, "You need to take a nap,
00:16:20.62\00:16:22.22
you need to take a nap."
00:16:22.25\00:16:23.46
And I said, "I don't want to."
00:16:23.49\00:16:24.94
I didn't want to miss
one minute of looking at him.
00:16:24.97\00:16:28.62
So eventually
they gave me something,
00:16:28.65\00:16:31.20
I went to sleep but
they tried to take him away
00:16:31.23\00:16:33.51
to put him in a
crib and I said, "No."
00:16:33.54\00:16:35.55
You wouldn't let them take. No.
00:16:35.58\00:16:37.54
How long did you keep him?
00:16:37.57\00:16:39.48
With me.
00:16:39.51\00:16:41.36
When I moved to the next room,
00:16:41.39\00:16:44.40
I had to be discharged at--
00:16:44.43\00:16:47.23
about 4 o' clock.
00:16:47.26\00:16:48.51
So he stayed in
my arms for 12 hours.
00:16:48.54\00:16:50.34
He stayed in your arms
for literally 12 whole hours.
00:16:50.37\00:16:54.01
Yes.
00:16:54.04\00:16:55.12
And when you think
about, it's not a long time.
00:16:55.15\00:16:57.40
But when you think that--
we as parents have our children
00:16:57.43\00:17:00.13
for years and years and years.
00:17:00.16\00:17:03.06
And as you held him, you
constantly just looked at him,
00:17:03.09\00:17:07.59
just never took
your eyes off him.
00:17:07.62\00:17:09.19
No.
00:17:09.22\00:17:10.25
And you never let
any one else hold him.
00:17:10.28\00:17:11.31
Do anyone yes
hold him? Your mother.
00:17:11.34\00:17:12.59
Yes, my mother,
my aunt, my brother
00:17:12.62\00:17:16.29
and my grandmother
drove in from Chicago
00:17:16.32\00:17:18.54
and they made it about four
hours before I was discharged.
00:17:18.57\00:17:22.15
And they held him and other
close friends of the family.
00:17:22.18\00:17:25.85
They came and they
saw him and supported me
00:17:25.88\00:17:28.23
and they held him.
00:17:28.26\00:17:30.03
So what made you
to make the decision
00:17:30.06\00:17:31.97
that you will
never contact the father
00:17:32.00\00:17:33.84
and let him know
what you had gone through?
00:17:33.87\00:17:37.01
Actually he told
me not to contact him.
00:17:37.04\00:17:39.25
Okay, okay, when he is
there and you rather walk away.
00:17:39.28\00:17:42.93
Right, I mean,
it wasn't that easy
00:17:42.96\00:17:45.64
because he was
pretty verbally abusive.
00:17:45.67\00:17:48.27
Okay. The day
after I've told him.
00:17:48.30\00:17:50.32
The day after-- Till he changed.
00:17:50.35\00:17:52.00
I see. He changed.
00:17:52.03\00:17:53.16
So I was like okay-- Wow.
00:17:53.19\00:17:54.77
And I won't contact you. Okay.
00:17:54.80\00:17:56.43
Did he have more
children or was--
00:17:56.46\00:17:59.43
He actually when I told
him, what surprised me was that
00:17:59.46\00:18:01.93
he had found out
that his ex-girlfriend
00:18:01.96\00:18:03.81
was pregnant also.
00:18:03.84\00:18:06.86
She was a mother before me.
00:18:06.89\00:18:08.50
Now you had him 12 hours
00:18:08.53\00:18:13.10
and you know
somebody have to take him.
00:18:13.13\00:18:16.03
What happened when
they came to take him?
00:18:16.06\00:18:19.46
What happened?
00:18:19.49\00:18:20.52
I told them, no, I'm
not ready to leave yet
00:18:20.55\00:18:23.93
and I talked to my
doctor on a phone and she said,
00:18:23.96\00:18:26.06
"Well, when she's ready
to leave, she can leave."
00:18:26.09\00:18:29.24
That's wonderful.
00:18:29.27\00:18:31.07
This is what the doctor said.
00:18:31.10\00:18:32.27
Yes, this was
probably about 1 or 2 o'clock.
00:18:32.30\00:18:34.93
So then I guessed
4 o'clock came on.
00:18:34.96\00:18:37.23
I was like, okay
one of these days
00:18:37.26\00:18:38.91
I'm gonna have to
leave this hospital.
00:18:38.94\00:18:40.31
Yes.
00:18:40.34\00:18:41.38
So yes, we were -- I
was in the second room
00:18:41.41\00:18:46.21
and I had got
dressed and my mother
00:18:46.24\00:18:49.42
and my grandmother
and my family was there
00:18:49.45\00:18:51.97
and I asked everybody
to step out of the room
00:18:52.00\00:18:54.04
and I just had another
private moment with him.
00:18:54.07\00:18:56.89
Just you and Julian.
00:18:56.92\00:18:58.41
Yes, I prayed, I kissed
him, I told him that I love him,
00:18:58.44\00:19:01.29
I said I'm sorry and--
00:19:01.32\00:19:03.54
Why did you say you were sorry?
00:19:03.57\00:19:06.23
Why were you sorry?
00:19:06.26\00:19:09.08
That I couldn't
take him with me.
00:19:09.11\00:19:11.16
You wanted to
take your baby home.
00:19:14.43\00:19:16.30
Hmm-hmm, I was supposed to.
00:19:16.33\00:19:19.06
And you had this beautiful
nursery, all these toys,
00:19:19.09\00:19:22.64
everything in place
to take your baby home.
00:19:22.67\00:19:25.24
Yes.
00:19:25.27\00:19:26.41
But you had to leave that
hospital without your baby.
00:19:26.44\00:19:29.24
Yes.
00:19:29.27\00:19:30.48
Let me ask, what's in the chest,
00:19:30.51\00:19:33.35
the case that you have?
00:19:33.38\00:19:35.66
I was given this.
00:19:35.69\00:19:38.05
I had a repass for
Julian, two days after
00:19:38.08\00:19:41.51
and one of my
mother's friends gave me this.
00:19:41.54\00:19:44.62
It came with a
journal that I've been writing
00:19:44.65\00:19:48.97
every couple of days to Julian.
00:19:49.00\00:19:52.04
Things that's going on today,
things I wanted to tell him
00:19:52.07\00:19:55.65
and I've been writing
in it ever since that day.
00:19:55.68\00:19:59.74
And I was also given
a book from the hospital
00:19:59.77\00:20:02.02
which has helped me so much.
00:20:02.05\00:20:03.82
It's called, "Empty
Cradle, Broken Heart"
00:20:03.85\00:20:05.78
and it talked things
that I was not able to say,
00:20:05.81\00:20:09.18
this book says
it, and it's amazing.
00:20:09.21\00:20:12.68
And I have the
ultrasound picture.
00:20:12.71\00:20:17.91
That's ultrasound Julian.
00:20:17.94\00:20:21.44
You know, how many
weeks were you then?
00:20:21.47\00:20:23.61
It's about probably
five months, about 20 weeks.
00:20:26.13\00:20:29.13
5 months.
00:20:29.16\00:20:30.68
Wow. Wow.
00:20:30.71\00:20:32.79
And look at bluer
prints. That's beautiful.
00:20:32.82\00:20:36.45
And this is probably
the most precious to me
00:20:36.48\00:20:40.95
because this is the hat
that he had on his head.
00:20:40.98\00:20:43.52
Wow.
00:20:43.55\00:20:44.63
That was the hat he had on. Yes.
00:20:44.66\00:20:47.13
Did you dress him in the
hospital before they took him?
00:20:47.16\00:20:50.51
No, because I wasn't prepared.
00:20:50.54\00:20:53.03
I didn't know
everything was gonna happen.
00:20:53.06\00:20:54.99
So they had clothes that
they put on him the blankets,
00:20:55.02\00:20:57.82
the hat.
00:20:57.85\00:21:00.34
So, you know, I actually
want to-- you're still grieving.
00:21:00.37\00:21:03.88
Oh, yes.
00:21:03.91\00:21:05.06
And that how long has it
been, you know, since he passed.
00:21:05.09\00:21:07.60
Five months.
00:21:07.63\00:21:09.13
February 7th. Absolutely.
00:21:09.16\00:21:10.96
That's a very short
time, when you talk about loss
00:21:10.99\00:21:14.68
and grieving and
healing, you know.
00:21:14.71\00:21:17.38
So what are some of the things
you have done for yourself
00:21:17.41\00:21:19.93
to help you through this
process, you know, as far as,
00:21:19.96\00:21:23.42
your know, your prayer
life spirituality, you know,
00:21:23.45\00:21:26.90
what are you doing for Jami now.
00:21:26.93\00:21:29.64
I'm going to counseling.
00:21:29.67\00:21:34.10
After I left the hospital,
I went to stay with my mom
00:21:34.13\00:21:36.57
for six weeks.
00:21:36.60\00:21:37.66
I didn't leave
the house or anything.
00:21:37.69\00:21:38.86
I was really broken down.
00:21:38.89\00:21:41.56
And she helped me
find the counselor
00:21:41.59\00:21:44.53
and I've been seeing
my counselor every week.
00:21:44.56\00:21:47.46
And it's really,
really helped me to realize,
00:21:47.49\00:21:50.76
to admit to the fact
that Julian has died.
00:21:50.79\00:21:54.02
Yes, wow.
00:21:54.05\00:21:57.01
I feel your loss, I
feel your pain, you know.
00:21:57.04\00:22:00.33
Do you want to
someday get married
00:22:00.36\00:22:03.85
and have children and--
00:22:03.88\00:22:05.65
Yes.
00:22:05.68\00:22:06.75
How many more children
would you like to have?
00:22:06.78\00:22:08.60
Four. Four.
00:22:08.63\00:22:10.39
Are you serious? Yes.
00:22:10.42\00:22:12.73
Four children. Four children.
00:22:12.76\00:22:14.10
Well, I guess
that's it, you know,
00:22:14.13\00:22:15.53
four children is not bad
because I came from a family
00:22:15.56\00:22:18.26
like that that
had four children.
00:22:18.29\00:22:19.85
And so did I, you know,
with you being in school
00:22:19.88\00:22:24.52
and with your life,
you know, you and your mom,
00:22:24.55\00:22:27.33
you're on your business,
lot of things are going on
00:22:27.36\00:22:30.24
in your life, you know.
00:22:30.27\00:22:32.64
Where does God play a
role in your life now?
00:22:32.67\00:22:38.09
I pray
everyday, every single day
00:22:38.12\00:22:42.43
because I did not
have to be here when,
00:22:42.46\00:22:47.54
after I delivered
Julian, when I found out
00:22:47.57\00:22:50.61
that there was a blood
clot behind the placenta
00:22:50.64\00:22:53.62
which caused it to separate
and then with them telling me
00:22:53.65\00:22:56.81
that I was at
risk for bleeding out.
00:22:56.84\00:22:59.78
So many things could have gone
wrong that when I think back
00:22:59.81\00:23:02.46
like if I did go to the hospital
00:23:02.49\00:23:04.16
right away that night they
could have put me on the table
00:23:04.19\00:23:06.64
for emergency C
section and I could have died.
00:23:06.67\00:23:08.87
You could have died. Exactly.
00:23:08.90\00:23:11.59
Oh.
00:23:11.62\00:23:12.99
So, the Lord
was really with you.
00:23:13.02\00:23:14.76
Yes.
00:23:14.79\00:23:15.93
Did you ever blamed God
or you were angry at God
00:23:15.96\00:23:18.69
or did you ever feel
that God was punishing you
00:23:18.72\00:23:21.58
because that's not a
kind of God we serve,
00:23:21.61\00:23:23.47
but people do
think that you know,
00:23:23.50\00:23:25.29
to go through all that,
aren't you angry at God?
00:23:25.32\00:23:28.28
No, no I'm not
because He does things
00:23:28.31\00:23:34.06
but it's not in our
position to question Him
00:23:34.09\00:23:36.44
because He always knows right
and this happened for a reason.
00:23:36.47\00:23:40.18
I can't explain it
00:23:40.21\00:23:41.82
but Julian was
born free from sin.
00:23:41.85\00:23:46.04
And I can't be mad at that.
00:23:46.07\00:23:49.27
Oh, did you hear that. Yes.
00:23:49.30\00:23:51.01
That just sent chills
down my-- free from sin,
00:23:51.04\00:23:53.83
to be free from sin, you know--
00:23:53.86\00:23:56.51
How does this affect your
desire to have relationships,
00:23:56.54\00:24:02.06
you know until,
you know, find someone
00:24:02.09\00:24:05.40
that you could
build your life with?
00:24:05.43\00:24:08.22
Who I decide to build
my relationship with next,
00:24:12.25\00:24:15.55
definitely I will love
for them to have a desire
00:24:15.58\00:24:17.89
for children because
children are blessing.
00:24:17.92\00:24:20.68
And somebody that respects
me and loves me for who I am
00:24:20.71\00:24:25.62
and also has goals, to
aspire to be something great
00:24:25.65\00:24:30.00
in this world.
00:24:30.03\00:24:31.06
Is it important for them to be
a Christian and know the Lord?
00:24:31.09\00:24:33.12
That too. Yeah, of course.
00:24:33.15\00:24:34.77
That's a
blessing, that's a blessing.
00:24:34.80\00:24:37.13
Well, I do know that
this has been a heavy low
00:24:37.16\00:24:41.05
when I first heard your story,
it brought tears to my eyes
00:24:41.08\00:24:43.84
and every time I hear it and
I'm always looking for things
00:24:43.87\00:24:47.15
to add in the chest.
00:24:47.18\00:24:48.36
Tell me, you know,
in our closing remarks,
00:24:48.39\00:24:50.59
what has
happened to Julian's room.
00:24:50.62\00:24:52.62
Where is Julian's room now?
00:24:52.65\00:24:54.65
It's still the same.
00:24:54.68\00:24:56.64
Is it? It's still the same.
00:24:56.67\00:24:57.93
Yes, it is. Nothing has changed.
00:24:57.96\00:24:59.99
Nothing.
00:25:00.02\00:25:01.05
Do you see yourself
changing it at some point?
00:25:01.08\00:25:05.13
Not right now. Okay.
00:25:05.16\00:25:06.65
I mean currently I'm
working on my license
00:25:06.68\00:25:09.85
to become a foster parent
because I'd like to adopt.
00:25:09.88\00:25:12.44
Okay.
00:25:12.47\00:25:13.50
So there will be a
nursery but I will change it
00:25:13.53\00:25:16.98
for the next
child that comes there
00:25:17.01\00:25:18.56
because his theme which
was the moon and stars was his.
00:25:18.59\00:25:22.21
And that was his theme.
00:25:22.24\00:25:23.87
Yes. Julian.
00:25:23.90\00:25:25.14
How often do you
go in Julian's room?
00:25:25.17\00:25:27.53
I went in there every day
but now maybe once a week.
00:25:27.56\00:25:32.27
Okay. So there is some growth-
00:25:32.30\00:25:33.68
So how-- what's making you
handle it better, you know.
00:25:33.71\00:25:38.03
Coming to
reality of what happened
00:25:38.06\00:25:41.23
and that
developing a case of OCD
00:25:41.26\00:25:45.90
obsessive-compulsive disorder,
00:25:45.93\00:25:47.32
whether if it's
going in the room everyday,
00:25:47.35\00:25:49.24
touching everything
which is what I was doing
00:25:49.27\00:25:51.34
is not gonna help anything.
00:25:51.37\00:25:52.89
It's not gonna change anything.
00:25:52.92\00:25:55.10
So I had to find a way to cope
which is I have to keep going
00:25:55.13\00:25:58.74
to work, going to
school and pursuing my dreams.
00:25:58.77\00:26:02.63
And riding your motorcycle.
00:26:02.66\00:26:04.50
Safely.
00:26:04.53\00:26:05.83
Yeah, you got me, very good.
00:26:05.86\00:26:08.45
I want to say to
you. I'm so proud of you.
00:26:08.48\00:26:11.59
Thank you.
00:26:11.62\00:26:12.67
I ask that God
strengthen you and keep you,
00:26:12.70\00:26:15.35
both of us Arthur and
I, and we want to thank you
00:26:15.38\00:26:18.05
for coming on "making it work"
00:26:18.08\00:26:19.27
because truly
you're making it work.
00:26:19.30\00:26:21.78
And your story is
touching a lot of people.
00:26:21.81\00:26:24.93
It's going to
change a lot of lives.
00:26:24.96\00:26:26.82
And, you know, just
in our closing remark,
00:26:26.85\00:26:29.05
what can you say to someone
who maybe going through this.
00:26:29.08\00:26:31.34
What can you say to encourage?
00:26:31.37\00:26:33.01
It's gonna be hard.
00:26:33.04\00:26:35.13
You're gonna cry.
00:26:35.16\00:26:36.41
I cried, I still
do cry but it's okay.
00:26:36.44\00:26:39.21
God knows best.
00:26:39.24\00:26:40.75
He would never do anything
to make a person feel like,
00:26:40.78\00:26:45.27
I shouldn't be on this earth.
00:26:45.30\00:26:48.12
Everybody is here for a reason.
00:26:48.15\00:26:49.34
Everybody has a purpose. Yes.
00:26:49.37\00:26:51.52
Things will be okay eventually
but it does take time,
00:26:51.55\00:26:55.03
one day at a time.
00:26:55.06\00:26:56.21
One day at a time, you know.
00:26:56.24\00:26:59.62
Yes.
00:26:59.65\00:27:00.68
Arthur, any closing comment
about remembering Julian.
00:27:00.71\00:27:02.72
I'm just really pleased
that we had the opportunity
00:27:02.75\00:27:07.37
to share with you the
experience that you've had.
00:27:07.40\00:27:10.76
You know I can say,
I think you're gonna
00:27:10.79\00:27:12.52
really touch a lot of lives.
00:27:12.55\00:27:14.35
So I just appreciate
you being here today.
00:27:14.38\00:27:17.09
Thank you for having me.
00:27:17.12\00:27:18.40
Oh, it is our
pleasure. Jami Vaughn.
00:27:18.43\00:27:21.07
To someone today
who maybe hurting,
00:27:21.10\00:27:23.53
going through something.
00:27:23.56\00:27:25.16
God is able.
00:27:25.19\00:27:26.68
And as Jami said it takes
time and one day at a time,
00:27:26.71\00:27:29.79
and God will get you through.
00:27:29.82\00:27:30.85
But don't give up hope
00:27:30.88\00:27:32.17
because God will
give you a complete,
00:27:32.20\00:27:34.57
full life in Jesus' name.
00:27:34.60\00:27:37.90
I'm excited about what God
is going to do for Jami Vaughn
00:27:37.93\00:27:40.81
as I'm excited about
what God's going to do
00:27:40.84\00:27:42.95
for each of you viewing today.
00:27:42.98\00:27:45.54
God is a wonderful source.
00:27:45.57\00:27:48.65
Prayer, Bible study, being
able to connect with people
00:27:48.68\00:27:52.74
who believe in
pro-active change like Jami.
00:27:52.77\00:27:56.63
Well, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin.
00:27:56.66\00:27:58.99
And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:27:59.02\00:28:00.26
And thank you for being
with us on "making it work."
00:28:00.29\00:28:02.76
God bless. God bless.
00:28:02.79\00:28:03.88