Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan Nowlin.
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And I'm Arthur Nowlin.
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And welcome to making it work.
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Our topic for today,
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the dos and don'ts of
a healthy relationship.
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The making of a good marriage.
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Arthur what are some of the-
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What should I say,
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the good points of
making a good marriage?
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Well, we have to start
off with good communication.
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So you got to have
a good communication.
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That's very essential,
when we talk about good points.
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All right.
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Then the second thing is
we're talking about finances.
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Yes.
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Making sure that
the finances are-
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we can work it out, we can
work together and establish
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some type of a good working
relationship for finances.
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Third thing, Kim, you not gonna
really want to believe this.
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What is it?
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We're talking about
responsibilities and chores.
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Okay, Arthur, what's
your favorite chore not to do?
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Well, I don't do windows, Kim.
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I know, do you know that,
remember when we got married
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that was in the wedding vows.
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He said that in
our wedding vows,
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I shall not dust and do windows.
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And to this day he has
kept those vows, all right.
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Well, listen we want
to welcome our guest today
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Brandon and Alice Dent.
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Welcome to making it work.
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How you're doing today?
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We're doing
great. You look great.
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Thank you.
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All right, our first question.
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Brandon, my first
question to you guys is
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how did you meet?
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How did we meet?
Well, we met in church.
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Okay.
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I was sitting in the--
what they call the annex
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who's not in the main sanctuary,
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it's where the young
kids like to hang out
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because we like to talk
and goof off a little bit.
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And in the middle of my
goofing off comes in this
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really beautiful girl.
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Beautiful young
lady and just stunned me.
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All of my goofing off
came to a complete halt.
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My friends thought "hey,
what's wrong with this guy?"
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But I had been
smitten and I made it
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a point to meet this young lady.
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Yes.
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Well, that's interesting.
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Did you notice that?
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Yeah, he says
smitten. He was stunned.
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He say stunned first part of it.
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Okay.
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All right, my second
question to you, Brandon,
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is how long have
you been married?
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Yes.
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We've been married 26 years now.
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Wow.
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And it's kind of interesting.
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I try not to get too
excited about numbers of years
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and trying to get
more excited about
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the quality of those years.
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And when you talk about quality,
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can we just talk
about some of the things
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that make it the
quality of a relationship.
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What are those, Brandon?
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Mutual support.
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Okay.
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They say no man is an island
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and I think when
we're young as men.
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We think we're okay as
islands but later on in life,
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life becomes a little more
complicated and it really is
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a good thing to have a partner
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and I think Adam said it best.
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When he said Lord I'm lonely.
And he was in perfection.
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And so here we are in sin,
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how much more do we
really need a good partner.
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Oh, so that's support.
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Alice, what else do you think
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goes into that
healthy good relationship?
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'Cause, you know,
first before you answer that,
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I want to talk a little
about your family of origin.
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You share with us before
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that you came from a
single parent family.
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Tell us about that
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and then let's go back
and we gonna connect that.
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Okay, you're right, Kim,
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I was raised by a
God fearing wise mother.
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But a mother that
had to raise 8 children.
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So as the
youngest in that household,
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I had a very
dominate personality
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and I take that dominate
personality into my marriage.
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All right.
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And Brandon was
the baby in his family
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and he was extremely spoiled.
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Spoiled. Admit it.
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I can stand for that.
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So you have a young lady
with a dominate personality
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and the baby in a family where
you know where he's spoiled.
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So we had to work
through some things
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to really blend
our two personalities
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and really make our marriage
really in unison with God.
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In working through those days
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I know it didn't
happen right away?
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No, it didn't.
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So we're talking about
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it took some years
for you to come together.
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It did. It did. Okay.
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Yeah, we had to work at it.
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You know when you talk
about that dominant personality,
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you know, I'm a
strong, you know,
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African-American woman
and I think dominance and-
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That's true.
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You know. It's true.
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I mean, I'm
giving you a compliment-
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I appreciate that.
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To a certain extent.
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I appreciate that.
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But you know I think
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being dominant can also be a
blessing in our relationship.
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It is. It is a blessing.
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But, you know, Brandon
is the priest in our home
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and I had to make sure that
I release that right to him.
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This is God given right,
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that I allow him to be
the priest in our home.
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We can all be
moving towards a direction
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where we're all
making all the decisions
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and we make them together.
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I'm not beneath Brandon,
and I'm not above Brandon.
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We walk together.
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But I- he is the
priest in our home.
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And when you talk
about the priest that means-
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Wait a minute,
Kim, wait a minute.
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You want to do that.
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I had to ask something because
that sounded fantastic to me,
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you know, that you recognize
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Brandon was the
priest of the home, you know.
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That was a issue
in our home, you know,
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I still have
some pain behind that,
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but I'm gonna move through
it. You gonna move through it.
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You gonna move forward.
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I'm gonna move through the pain.
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You know what? To our viewers
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I had a
difficult time releasing-
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being you know,
wearing the pants
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because I did wanted a
friend, I wanted a husband,
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I wanted a man.
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But again I wanted to
be in charge all the time.
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I wanted to make decisions
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and let Arthur say okay,
that's not being supportive.
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But I- in beginning
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you know I think I
was kind of a kind-
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You were very submissive.
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Yeah, well, I don't
know about being submissive,
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I think I was trying to
make our relationship work.
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But I think going back to
Alice said being the priest,
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I had to also step aside
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and let Arthur
become the priest.
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And it didn't happen
overnight, it took years.
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And you know we have viewers
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who may not know what
that term means you know.
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Would you like to
explain what does that term mean
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"the priest of your household"?
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Well, maybe this
will help you, Arthur.
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Okay.
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If you really pay
attention to what Alice says,
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she says she
allowed me to be the priest.
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That makes me feel better.
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I thought you will
chuckle a lot on that.
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Yeah.
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But what that means is we're
both co-leaders of the family.
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That's right.
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It's very important to know that
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being a priest is a
contract that I have with God.
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Yes, right.
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That I'll be a
proper spiritual example,
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that I will promote
the things of God study
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in family
worship regular morning
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and evening family worship.
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Those things that's the contract
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that I make with
God to do in the family
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and to be rock solid at
that whether I'm up or down.
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That doesn't transcend into me
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being in charge of
all the family dynamics
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because if I do that
then I lose the synergy
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that I can get by
having a great partner.
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Yes, and we
don't want to lose that
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because you know we
got married to be together.
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To work together.
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Parenting
skills, let's talk about
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your parenting skills
and your styles, all right?
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Well, as I said I
came from a dominant-
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a mother where I came
out of the relationship
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with a dominant personality.
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Yeah.
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I have an old school mentality.
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It's not just do what I say
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however I give
my kids boundaries.
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That's right.
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I set boundaries and
at the end of the day
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I'm not going to
reason with the child
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that I don't think know
where their direction is,
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Brandon has a
different parental style.
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And we had to- he
can tell you about that.
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But we had to put
our two styles together-
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To blend them.
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And blend them so...
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Yeah, well, I grew up
very talkative, communicative
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and while my father
was less tolerant of that.
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My mother was more
tolerant and apparently she felt
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this is a
different type of child,
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he kind of need a little
greater freedom of expression.
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And I do believe
that, that work well for me.
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And so because of that
I'll engage the children
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a little bit more in
dialogue and let them,
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you know, be freer with speech
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and so Alice is less
tolerant with that and,
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when we're dealing
with a particular situation,
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we have to make sure
that we still work together.
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So that the children
still get the best out of both.
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So is it easy for
you to try to make peace
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within the household,
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when there is some type of issue
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that may be
existing within the home?
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For me, I have learned
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and it wasn't this
way so much early on.
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I have learned that to
have peace in the household,
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you have to make the
decisions that bring peace
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and not necessarily the
decisions you want to make.
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And so if I see and
this is just my approach,
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Alice has her
way of doing things,
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but if I see that a way
that even I may think is best
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pushing for that decision is not
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the most peaceful
thing at the time.
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It's better for me
to kind of pull back.
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So that peace will prevail,
and then find another way,
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another time to kind of
work out that difference.
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Now that's what
you call submission.
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That's submission.
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But you know after
28 years of honor--
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A cooperate submission though.
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I mean he's
cooperating, he recognized
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that the
situation would be easier
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if he pulls back and
you know that's powerful.
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And a lot of people
don't know how to pull back.
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In our private
practice in Detroit for 28 years
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we have families who come in,
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to Kim Logan Communications
Christian Counseling Clinic
00:10:33.91\00:10:36.46
and the one thing
00:10:36.49\00:10:37.52
they are looking
for viewers is peace.
00:10:37.55\00:10:39.86
We're looking for happiness,
we're looking for joy,
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but what are the steps essential
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and necessary to find that,
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and you have to
put a plan in place.
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And one of the
things that we use
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as a behavioral
therapist is a treatment plan.
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And a plan can, that same
plan can work within the family.
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All right.
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Well, I think most families
have a treatment plan and--
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but what happens is we
deviate. We do deviate.
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Sometimes when crisis
occurs within the family
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it makes us look
for something different.
00:11:04.72\00:11:07.47
You know, we have to
take a risk to try to improve
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the situation at all
the times at all the times
00:11:09.81\00:11:11.56
but most importantly I think
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if we continue
the communication.
00:11:13.98\00:11:15.50
Right.
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Then we can work together.
00:11:16.62\00:11:17.71
I think that's
probably the essential point.
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You guys tend to have
a line of communication
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where you can discuss things
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and even though you
may have differences,
00:11:27.11\00:11:30.20
you still are
able to discuss it.
00:11:30.23\00:11:32.36
It well, it
depends on the timing.
00:11:32.39\00:11:35.83
Yes.
00:11:35.86\00:11:36.89
Okay, if we were to say
we're always at the place
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where we can discuss things,
00:11:42.05\00:11:43.95
you know, I don't
think that will really help
00:11:43.98\00:11:46.53
the viewer to be able to
appreciate the fact that-
00:11:46.56\00:11:49.89
that's not as realistic.
00:11:49.92\00:11:51.74
Right. That's right.
00:11:51.77\00:11:52.80
So if I can go back to my first-
00:11:52.83\00:11:55.67
to the statement,
my previous statement,
00:11:55.70\00:11:58.18
there are times where
00:11:58.21\00:12:00.19
it's not a good time
to try and communicate.
00:12:00.22\00:12:02.90
It's a better time to be quite.
00:12:02.93\00:12:04.95
Got to know when
to pick your bag.
00:12:04.98\00:12:06.02
Exactly.
00:12:06.05\00:12:07.41
But what you can
count on especially
00:12:07.44\00:12:10.68
because the morning
and evening worship is that
00:12:10.71\00:12:13.20
we don't get far in the
day before we come to a point
00:12:13.23\00:12:17.11
where we got to
come together in Christ.
00:12:17.14\00:12:19.08
That's right.
Got to come together.
00:12:19.11\00:12:20.83
And I would
feel like a hypocrite
00:12:20.86\00:12:22.80
going on to worship,
00:12:22.83\00:12:24.21
having my
children looking at me,
00:12:24.24\00:12:25.54
we're not even talking.
00:12:25.57\00:12:27.12
We don't even know how to get
along, that's not acceptable.
00:12:27.15\00:12:30.23
And you see this in church.
00:12:30.26\00:12:31.81
You see it with couples
are not sitting together
00:12:31.84\00:12:34.64
or communicating,
00:12:34.67\00:12:35.86
but they will
speak to everyone else
00:12:35.89\00:12:37.60
but not each other.
00:12:37.63\00:12:38.66
And the children are seeing this
00:12:38.69\00:12:40.31
and members are seeing this.
00:12:40.34\00:12:42.92
And it's devastating you know.
00:12:42.95\00:12:44.07
One of the things that we do
00:12:44.10\00:12:46.12
especially when
we have disagreements
00:12:46.15\00:12:48.87
and we may even though
it's not good for us to sleep
00:12:48.90\00:12:53.88
without making up,
00:12:53.91\00:12:55.63
we may do that
anyway, we may sleep
00:12:55.66\00:12:58.56
and still have this issue,
00:12:58.59\00:13:00.70
but what happens is
when the first thing
00:13:00.73\00:13:03.53
that we do is we pray
together in the morning
00:13:03.56\00:13:06.97
and that is really important
00:13:07.00\00:13:08.48
because even though we may
have disagreed on something
00:13:08.51\00:13:11.95
the night before, the
prayer itself seems to give us
00:13:11.98\00:13:15.79
some type of
motivation to find resolution.
00:13:15.82\00:13:18.24
Resolution. So
let's talk about that.
00:13:18.27\00:13:20.50
How has God impacted
your marriage and your family?
00:13:20.53\00:13:25.53
How has He? How has
God played the role?
00:13:25.56\00:13:27.15
You want to start?
00:13:27.18\00:13:28.30
Well, I just feel I
had not been for God.
00:13:28.33\00:13:31.61
Yes.
00:13:31.64\00:13:32.81
I don't think we would continue,
00:13:32.84\00:13:34.28
we wouldn't be married.
00:13:34.31\00:13:36.10
The divorce rate is high.
00:13:36.13\00:13:37.59
For various reasons.
It's not an option for us.
00:13:37.62\00:13:40.77
Okay, but I don't want
it to just not be an option,
00:13:40.80\00:13:43.18
I wanted to be happy.
00:13:43.21\00:13:44.74
With the person that I am with.
00:13:44.77\00:13:45.96
Brandon is like my-
this is my cheerleader.
00:13:45.99\00:13:48.31
It's like my-
Brandon everything I do,
00:13:48.34\00:13:50.19
Brandon is always behind it.
00:13:50.22\00:13:51.30
Yes, we see that.
00:13:51.33\00:13:52.37
So I feel the God's blessings
is why we are still married
00:13:52.40\00:13:55.54
and not just married
00:13:55.57\00:13:56.94
but have some
happiness in this marriage.
00:13:56.97\00:13:59.00
Make friendship.
00:13:59.03\00:14:00.06
Absolutely, I have a friend.
00:14:00.09\00:14:01.50
You know you're my friend.
00:14:01.53\00:14:03.34
I'm so happy.
00:14:03.37\00:14:04.60
You know we went
walking this morning.
00:14:04.63\00:14:06.66
And we went to the
grocery store this morning.
00:14:06.69\00:14:08.20
Yes.
00:14:08.23\00:14:09.26
And did something-
00:14:09.29\00:14:10.44
I did those things for you.
00:14:10.47\00:14:11.51
You mopped the kitchen
floor when we got home.
00:14:11.54\00:14:13.37
I did most of
those things for you.
00:14:13.40\00:14:16.89
So you know, and
that's why I feel
00:14:16.92\00:14:18.40
because Arthur
and I were together,
00:14:18.43\00:14:20.26
you know, with family
line with Erin when we travel.
00:14:20.29\00:14:26.02
And, you know, it was something
he said to me yesterday,
00:14:26.05\00:14:28.15
Brandon, was really interesting.
00:14:28.18\00:14:29.84
He want to go and watch the game
00:14:29.87\00:14:31.82
and we've been
together all the church,
00:14:31.85\00:14:34.21
we went to evenings,
we went to great lakes
00:14:34.24\00:14:38.14
and I said you know, honey,
00:14:38.17\00:14:39.33
you want to come in and
stay with me in the family room.
00:14:39.36\00:14:42.19
He says honey, I've
been with you all day,
00:14:42.22\00:14:44.92
and I said I am
gonna watch the game.
00:14:44.95\00:14:46.71
And I said but, honey,
the day is still not over.
00:14:46.74\00:14:50.27
I was hurt, Brandon and Alice,
00:14:50.30\00:14:52.36
he went upstairs
and watched the game
00:14:52.39\00:14:54.63
and I'm sitting downstairs.
00:14:54.66\00:14:56.30
Is it something I said or
did, so maybe that was me time.
00:14:56.33\00:14:59.93
So let me propose that question.
00:14:59.96\00:15:01.77
What do you do for
that personal me time?
00:15:01.80\00:15:05.25
You know is that good and
healthy for a relationship?
00:15:05.28\00:15:07.67
Essential.
Brandon is an individual.
00:15:07.70\00:15:10.31
Yes.
00:15:10.34\00:15:11.39
And he's a husband. He's
a father, he's a brother.
00:15:11.42\00:15:14.57
He has so many various roles.
00:15:14.60\00:15:16.27
He needs time to
spend time with his parents,
00:15:16.30\00:15:18.48
sometimes he'll take off,
00:15:18.51\00:15:19.58
he'll go spend the day
with his mother and father.
00:15:19.61\00:15:21.87
You know he has friends,
he's on the basketball league,
00:15:21.90\00:15:24.91
those things are
important for him.
00:15:24.94\00:15:26.37
I have my girls. I
do things with them.
00:15:26.40\00:15:28.81
I like to do things alone,
sometime he and Alicia have too
00:15:28.84\00:15:31.90
have their father
and daughter time.
00:15:31.93\00:15:33.00
Yes.
00:15:33.03\00:15:34.08
So- you can speak on that but,
00:15:34.11\00:15:37.01
I think we have
to have our balance,
00:15:37.04\00:15:38.95
there has to be a balance.
00:15:38.98\00:15:40.07
Has to be a balance.
00:15:40.10\00:15:41.13
There has to be a great balance.
00:15:41.16\00:15:43.38
You know what do we do
for our me time, Arthur.
00:15:43.41\00:15:47.45
I enjoy going to the
spa, enjoy going to the gym,
00:15:47.48\00:15:50.44
I enjoy all of that.
00:15:50.47\00:15:51.59
What do you do? I play golf.
00:15:51.62\00:15:53.43
You love golf? I love golf.
00:15:53.46\00:15:54.96
He enjoys golf.
00:15:54.99\00:15:56.03
You know but that's
just one of the things,
00:15:56.06\00:15:57.42
I do so many things.
00:15:57.45\00:15:58.86
You do. But I want
to start playing golf.
00:15:58.89\00:16:00.93
Kim, I don't think it would
be good for you to play golf.
00:16:00.96\00:16:04.47
You don't think so?
00:16:04.50\00:16:05.57
No, you know as a matter
of fact I'm going to strongly
00:16:05.60\00:16:10.07
encourage you to
pick up another sport.
00:16:10.10\00:16:13.27
You know how about that game
00:16:13.30\00:16:15.48
you thought you
used to play tennis.
00:16:15.51\00:16:17.25
Why don't you try
something like that?
00:16:17.28\00:16:18.39
Alice, don't you play
tennis? Yeah, I'm not good.
00:16:18.42\00:16:20.05
You know what, I play tennis,
00:16:20.08\00:16:21.45
he just doesn't
see me play tennis.
00:16:21.48\00:16:23.70
Kim, last time I
saw you play tennis
00:16:23.73\00:16:26.08
it was like maybe 20 years ago.
00:16:26.11\00:16:28.85
I play tennis you know,
but it's still good to release
00:16:28.88\00:16:32.60
and to let things out, you know.
00:16:32.63\00:16:34.18
You get your full body exercise.
00:16:34.21\00:16:35.57
You do, you do.
00:16:35.60\00:16:36.66
So I enjoy my-- I
get my me time, I do.
00:16:36.69\00:16:38.81
But I think it's
important to all relationships,
00:16:38.84\00:16:41.07
even if you are a
single parent you know
00:16:41.10\00:16:43.34
whereas even spirituality
00:16:43.37\00:16:45.44
may not be a force
in your relationship
00:16:45.47\00:16:47.98
where you attend
church on a regular basis,
00:16:48.01\00:16:50.29
but there are good things
that you can do for yourself
00:16:50.32\00:16:53.28
such as enjoy your children
00:16:53.31\00:16:55.92
being able to take walks
together, going to the parks-
00:16:55.95\00:16:58.04
Going to the park.
00:16:58.07\00:16:59.14
Being able to- the
symphony is a wonderful way
00:16:59.17\00:17:01.92
and if you can't
afford to go to a symphony
00:17:01.95\00:17:04.19
you know there's a CD
00:17:04.22\00:17:05.45
you can buy to enjoy
music together in the home.
00:17:05.48\00:17:08.32
Reading is an excellent tool
for the family to get together.
00:17:08.35\00:17:12.64
Have a book club
within the family.
00:17:12.67\00:17:14.83
One of the things
that I really enjoy doing
00:17:14.86\00:17:16.76
is like reading the Bible.
00:17:16.79\00:17:19.01
Reading the Bible.
00:17:19.04\00:17:20.17
And especially when you and
I discuss the Bible together.
00:17:20.20\00:17:23.22
We may come up with
a particular scripture
00:17:23.25\00:17:26.50
that we want to discuss,
00:17:26.53\00:17:27.71
I mean that's
something exciting to me.
00:17:27.74\00:17:29.57
That is exciting but
again I want to stress
00:17:29.60\00:17:32.18
all our viewers are
not in a spiritual realm,
00:17:32.21\00:17:37.39
so I want to emphasize
that's something that we do
00:17:37.42\00:17:40.96
being raised in a particular
church and denomination
00:17:40.99\00:17:43.98
but I'm saying to you that-
00:17:44.01\00:17:45.82
that doesn't
make you a bad person,
00:17:45.85\00:17:48.02
it does not make-- We
don't want to ostracize you,
00:17:48.05\00:17:50.77
but we want to say to you
that there are so many things
00:17:50.80\00:17:53.70
that you can do
to enjoy your life.
00:17:53.73\00:17:55.50
Am I right?
00:17:55.53\00:17:56.66
Good reading material.
00:17:56.69\00:17:57.75
Good reading material,
inspirational material.
00:17:57.78\00:17:59.68
Inspirational
material. Board games.
00:17:59.71\00:18:02.78
Oh, board
games, I love scrabble.
00:18:02.81\00:18:03.89
Yeah, scrabble board games.
00:18:03.92\00:18:05.83
You know
we--family life, retreat,
00:18:05.86\00:18:07.61
don't you say anything.
00:18:07.64\00:18:08.78
No, no. since you
brought that up, Kim.
00:18:08.81\00:18:10.91
What?
00:18:10.94\00:18:12.01
You know that scrabble
and games like monopoly,
00:18:12.04\00:18:15.55
you are not honest in.
00:18:15.58\00:18:17.88
He thinks that our
daughter and I we cheat.
00:18:17.91\00:18:21.27
I don't know how you could
possibly cheat in monopoly.
00:18:21.30\00:18:23.91
Monopoly, they
have a hotel or what--
00:18:23.94\00:18:26.41
they have a house
and one of the things
00:18:26.44\00:18:28.28
and the next thing you know
they got two or three hotels-
00:18:28.31\00:18:30.24
Things like scrabble.
00:18:30.27\00:18:31.54
Scrabble have a
dictionary right there.
00:18:31.57\00:18:32.91
Yeah.
00:18:32.94\00:18:33.97
Brandon, can you
cheat in scrabble?
00:18:34.00\00:18:36.03
Come on help your sister out.
00:18:36.06\00:18:38.96
I'm not sure, I've always
played the game by the rules.
00:18:38.99\00:18:42.56
By the rules. I do too.
00:18:42.59\00:18:44.14
I play by the rule.
00:18:44.17\00:18:45.24
We go and play the
game at our family retreat.
00:18:45.27\00:18:47.21
Kim and my
daughter are innovative.
00:18:47.24\00:18:48.96
They can come up with
new ideas on how to cheat.
00:18:48.99\00:18:51.88
Well, board games are excellent,
00:18:51.91\00:18:53.28
I love board games.
He won't participate.
00:18:53.31\00:18:56.04
Let me say this.
00:18:56.07\00:18:57.22
It's so important
we have children today
00:18:57.25\00:18:59.82
that are not being
cared for, not being loved,
00:18:59.85\00:19:05.16
not being treated
in the way to make them
00:19:05.19\00:19:08.74
become positive and productive.
00:19:08.77\00:19:11.13
What can we say to
those young people today
00:19:11.16\00:19:14.52
who may be harboring that pain?
00:19:14.55\00:19:16.92
You know, didn't have a
healthy parental relationship.
00:19:16.95\00:19:22.11
Well, the first thing that
comes to my mind is something
00:19:22.14\00:19:26.32
that affects us all at all ages.
00:19:26.35\00:19:31.18
When we harbor bad feelings,
00:19:31.21\00:19:36.57
they keep us from
seeing the positive future
00:19:36.60\00:19:40.06
that we can have.
00:19:40.09\00:19:42.48
And they rob us of our energy
00:19:42.51\00:19:45.81
and our ability to
pursue that positive future.
00:19:45.84\00:19:50.71
It's also like a cancer that
eats you from the inside out.
00:19:50.74\00:19:53.54
Yeah.
00:19:53.57\00:19:54.73
And so it's just the bearer
of bad feelings that suffers.
00:19:54.76\00:19:58.10
Yes.
00:19:58.13\00:19:59.21
And once you realize that,
00:19:59.24\00:20:01.96
it's lot easier
to make a decision
00:20:01.99\00:20:04.93
to put it away and give yourself
00:20:04.96\00:20:07.70
the better
outlook that you deserve.
00:20:07.73\00:20:09.75
Oh, definitely.
Some of the things said,
00:20:09.78\00:20:11.78
you know, we talk about
in counseling avoidance.
00:20:11.81\00:20:15.26
You can't avoid.
00:20:15.29\00:20:16.46
You can run but you
can't hide that cliché.
00:20:16.49\00:20:18.86
You have to sooner or later
00:20:18.89\00:20:20.39
deal with the issues at
hand of your pain 'cause if not
00:20:20.42\00:20:23.61
that pain will be
recycled to the next generation,
00:20:23.64\00:20:25.91
to the next generation,
to the next generation
00:20:25.94\00:20:28.06
and you will
just begin to see it
00:20:28.09\00:20:29.48
in your children
and their children.
00:20:29.51\00:20:31.50
So you have to get some help.
00:20:31.53\00:20:34.10
There are people available
to help you and your family
00:20:34.13\00:20:36.52
'cause you hear this a lot.
00:20:36.55\00:20:37.99
I don't want anyone
to know my business.
00:20:38.02\00:20:39.43
I don't want people
to know I'm hurting,
00:20:39.46\00:20:41.66
but you don't have to
do this alone. Am I right?
00:20:41.69\00:20:43.83
Oh, well, you know
that's really important,
00:20:43.86\00:20:46.25
people have to understand
that there is help available.
00:20:46.28\00:20:48.45
There is help.
00:20:48.48\00:20:49.67
But that old cliché is that
00:20:49.70\00:20:51.49
I don't want anyone to know
my business, there's a barrier
00:20:51.52\00:20:55.12
and unfortunately it
cause people to carry
00:20:55.15\00:20:57.82
the pain for years
and years and years.
00:20:57.85\00:21:00.06
In many cases we have
people that come to our office
00:21:00.09\00:21:04.67
that have had
difficulty of forgiving
00:21:04.70\00:21:07.94
a person in their family
00:21:07.97\00:21:09.38
and they don't even remember
where the argument originated.
00:21:09.41\00:21:13.06
Where did it originated?
00:21:13.09\00:21:14.94
And that's devastating you know.
00:21:14.97\00:21:16.68
So some of the things
again to help you understand,
00:21:16.71\00:21:20.16
you have to be
able to communicate,
00:21:20.19\00:21:21.90
you have to be able
to address the issue,
00:21:21.93\00:21:24.31
don't avoid it.
00:21:24.34\00:21:25.75
Be able to do something,
00:21:25.78\00:21:26.88
now I'm
confrontational as you know,
00:21:26.91\00:21:29.12
I don't run from a
problem, I deal with-
00:21:29.15\00:21:30.87
I never would have thought that.
00:21:30.90\00:21:31.97
You would never thought that.
00:21:32.00\00:21:33.59
But I have to learn
how to put it in balance.
00:21:33.62\00:21:37.06
Let's talk about balance.
00:21:37.09\00:21:38.77
What balances out
your relationship?
00:21:38.80\00:21:43.21
Well, for me I think
Alice touched on it earlier
00:21:43.24\00:21:47.04
particularly when she
talked about the me time piece.
00:21:47.07\00:21:52.78
Yes.
00:21:52.81\00:21:53.99
You know, acknowledging
that there are other things
00:21:54.02\00:21:58.32
and interests that I
have as an individual.
00:21:58.35\00:22:03.24
And I touched on
it, I think earlier
00:22:03.27\00:22:08.02
or just before her
comments when I talked about
00:22:08.05\00:22:11.84
the regularity of
the spiritual program.
00:22:11.87\00:22:15.55
In the family.
00:22:15.58\00:22:16.62
Now you think you gonna
have all those pieces in place
00:22:16.65\00:22:19.26
and that's really
what makes it work for us.
00:22:19.29\00:22:21.85
You know, but one of the
things that seems to stand out
00:22:21.88\00:22:27.22
train up a child
in the ways to go,
00:22:27.25\00:22:30.34
that tends to be
the essence of really
00:22:30.37\00:22:34.40
how a person can mature in life
00:22:34.43\00:22:37.75
and demonstrate the type
of behavior that's acceptable,
00:22:37.78\00:22:42.11
that's willing to make
amends when they are wrong
00:22:42.14\00:22:47.39
and to do the things
00:22:47.42\00:22:49.21
that's necessary to
improve their relationship.
00:22:49.24\00:22:52.48
You know, that background
is what you were taught,
00:22:52.51\00:22:55.40
you know, and I think
00:22:55.43\00:22:57.17
at this point in
our society today,
00:22:57.20\00:22:59.31
a lot of our young
people are unable to have,
00:22:59.34\00:23:02.38
that type of support and
guidance and mentoringship
00:23:02.41\00:23:05.78
that's required to
make them a better person.
00:23:05.81\00:23:08.03
And they haven't
been taught to forgive.
00:23:08.06\00:23:10.35
You know, what is forgiveness?
What is it to trust?
00:23:10.38\00:23:13.44
What is it to
have, you know, be loyal?
00:23:13.47\00:23:15.61
The value but it-
our children today
00:23:15.64\00:23:17.98
are not being raised
with the value system
00:23:18.01\00:23:20.42
and a guideline
within that value system,
00:23:20.45\00:23:23.43
so I think these
things are very important.
00:23:23.46\00:23:26.45
You know, Arthur, I
really admire you as a father,
00:23:26.48\00:23:30.14
as a husband as I do Brandon.
00:23:30.17\00:23:31.64
When I look at different
men that I surround myself with,
00:23:31.67\00:23:34.79
you know, when I see
you and Brandon together
00:23:34.82\00:23:37.60
always put a smile on my face
00:23:37.63\00:23:39.45
because you're men of integrity,
00:23:39.48\00:23:41.05
you're strong
men, you're family men,
00:23:41.08\00:23:42.89
you love your
family, you love your wife.
00:23:42.92\00:23:46.27
Isn't that right?
00:23:46.30\00:23:47.51
I'm very fortunate.
You are very fortunate.
00:23:47.54\00:23:49.34
You know 'cause love is
crucial in a relationship,
00:23:49.37\00:23:52.93
you know and that gives
you the forgiveness, all right.
00:23:52.96\00:23:57.26
I think it's important
that couples tell each other
00:23:57.29\00:23:59.83
that they love each
other everyday you know.
00:23:59.86\00:24:02.17
Okay, let me go back
to what you just said
00:24:02.20\00:24:04.45
in regards to
Brandon and myself.
00:24:04.48\00:24:06.60
Yes.
00:24:06.63\00:24:07.69
You know, I tend to believe that
00:24:07.72\00:24:10.88
it was something that
we acquire over the years.
00:24:10.91\00:24:15.24
We both are, you know,
I'm speaking for me mainly,
00:24:15.27\00:24:18.10
but I've made
mistakes in my past
00:24:18.13\00:24:21.03
that I had to learn
from and it was painful.
00:24:21.06\00:24:23.79
Yes.
00:24:23.82\00:24:24.85
It wasn't
something that was easy.
00:24:24.88\00:24:26.29
It was a painful
learning experience,
00:24:26.32\00:24:29.21
but I wanted to get better
00:24:29.24\00:24:31.26
and I think what you added,
00:24:31.29\00:24:32.78
Brandon, the
spirituality was the motivation
00:24:32.81\00:24:35.64
to drive me to try to
get close to what I think
00:24:35.67\00:24:40.88
a man should
really be, you know.
00:24:40.91\00:24:42.76
Right.
00:24:42.79\00:24:43.82
I want to reach that
point and that's continuous
00:24:43.85\00:24:46.85
and constant work
and to have a mate
00:24:46.88\00:24:50.33
that can recognize
that is encouraging.
00:24:50.36\00:24:53.16
Oh, definitely.
00:24:53.19\00:24:54.25
You know, and you know, I
think I'm very fortunate, Kim.
00:24:54.28\00:24:56.96
And I think that's
what our bond has been
00:24:56.99\00:24:58.66
over the years and, you know,
00:24:58.69\00:25:00.98
our friendship
and our relationship
00:25:01.01\00:25:03.56
and it wasn't just there,
00:25:03.59\00:25:05.65
we have worked at it even though
00:25:05.68\00:25:06.84
Brandon and I have relationship
as children together
00:25:06.87\00:25:09.38
and very few of our friends
today are even alive today,
00:25:09.41\00:25:13.06
Brandon, you know.
00:25:13.09\00:25:14.20
You know, let me say
something you Brandon and Alice
00:25:14.23\00:25:17.70
had this friendship
for many, many years.
00:25:17.73\00:25:19.81
Yes.
00:25:19.84\00:25:20.87
You know where I
came into the church
00:25:20.90\00:25:23.04
and because of my
relationship with you,
00:25:23.07\00:25:26.40
you know I accepted
them and they accepted me.
00:25:26.43\00:25:29.50
Oh, you did, you really did.
00:25:29.53\00:25:31.11
Well, in the meantime
00:25:31.14\00:25:33.32
we established among ourselves
a personal relationship.
00:25:33.35\00:25:36.97
Yes, we did.
00:25:37.00\00:25:38.06
With each other.
00:25:38.09\00:25:39.13
I mean I can talk to
Alice about certain things,
00:25:39.16\00:25:41.37
I can talk to
Brandon about certain things
00:25:41.40\00:25:43.57
but that was because I was open
00:25:43.60\00:25:46.26
and willing you
know to move forward
00:25:46.29\00:25:48.58
and to improve my lifestyle,
00:25:48.61\00:25:50.82
and to make sure
that you and I had a full
00:25:50.85\00:25:54.64
and enjoyable working
relationship together.
00:25:54.68\00:25:57.76
Yes, don't we have a
ball at camp meeting?
00:25:57.79\00:25:59.52
Love it. Love it.
00:25:59.55\00:26:00.62
Every moment of it.
00:26:00.65\00:26:01.74
Kim, do you think
that would be a kudo for me
00:26:01.77\00:26:06.51
so that when I get home
00:26:06.54\00:26:07.85
that you could cook
me something special.
00:26:07.88\00:26:10.19
I don't know- I don't know
00:26:10.22\00:26:11.76
but I'm gonna try
to cook dinner tonight,
00:26:11.79\00:26:13.58
I don't know, I'm
never giving promises.
00:26:13.61\00:26:16.13
But the one thing I want to
say about the dance was that
00:26:16.16\00:26:19.43
when I was mismanaging my funds
00:26:19.46\00:26:22.30
and even though
the funds were there,
00:26:22.33\00:26:24.11
I had issue with financers
00:26:24.14\00:26:26.43
but sitting down at their
workshop in their seminars
00:26:26.46\00:26:30.29
it really put a new light on me,
00:26:30.32\00:26:33.52
and we had
talked to other people,
00:26:33.55\00:26:34.82
but I think
because of our relationship
00:26:34.85\00:26:36.66
and my trust for
Brandon and Alice
00:26:36.69\00:26:39.23
but our friendship as children
that I could go to someone
00:26:39.26\00:26:43.14
who I knew wasn't a
shame, this is what I need to do
00:26:43.17\00:26:46.69
and I have to say that things
have turned around 360 degrees.
00:26:46.72\00:26:50.74
But it wasn't all your
trust it's as my trust as well.
00:26:50.77\00:26:54.24
And I thank you definitely.
00:26:54.27\00:26:55.85
We had to work this through
and that was a difficult time.
00:26:55.88\00:26:59.05
It was a very difficult time.
00:26:59.08\00:27:00.28
But the Lord brought us through
and we were able to help people
00:27:00.31\00:27:03.79
and you know especially children
00:27:03.82\00:27:05.17
with Christian education.
00:27:05.20\00:27:07.08
You know, I'm just
excited about this.
00:27:07.11\00:27:08.87
I'm so excited
about making it work
00:27:08.90\00:27:11.53
and how to help
people make it work
00:27:11.56\00:27:13.89
and as the program
grows, we all grow.
00:27:13.92\00:27:16.56
Absolutely.
00:27:16.59\00:27:17.98
And that's what it's all about.
00:27:18.01\00:27:19.69
You know this
has been phenomenal.
00:27:19.72\00:27:21.83
Listen, we want
you to come back.
00:27:21.86\00:27:23.36
Will you come back
and be with us again?
00:27:23.39\00:27:25.02
Of course. Oh, great.
00:27:25.05\00:27:26.46
But listen before
we do our farewells
00:27:26.49\00:27:29.56
because it's just been so
wonderful having you here.
00:27:29.59\00:27:32.19
We gonna come back
with some interesting ideas
00:27:32.22\00:27:34.62
and more topics in
just a few minutes.
00:27:34.65\00:27:37.04
We want to thank
Brandon and Alice Dent
00:27:47.05\00:27:49.10
for being with us
today on making it work.
00:27:49.13\00:27:51.19
It's been great.
00:27:51.22\00:27:52.27
May God continue to bless you,
00:27:52.30\00:27:53.48
encourage you and
continue to allow you to be
00:27:53.51\00:27:56.16
the head and not the tail.
00:27:56.19\00:27:57.95
God bless you both.
00:27:57.98\00:27:59.86
We want to thank all of
you for being with us today
00:27:59.89\00:28:02.41
on making it work and
I'm Dr. Kim Logan Nowlin.
00:28:02.44\00:28:05.57
I'm Arthur Nowlin.
00:28:05.60\00:28:06.69
And thank you for
joining us on making it work.
00:28:06.72\00:28:09.88