We're back.
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We are talking about
some really big issues
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that are
destroying marriages today.
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We've already talked
about pornography and an affair.
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Lets talks today
about addictions.
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We're talking
here primarily about
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drug and alcoholic addiction,
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the different
types of addictions.
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But those are the main things
that we want to discuss today.
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Absolutely.
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This again,
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is a detrimental effect
upon marriages because actually,
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alcoholics divorce at
four times the rate of those
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who are not alcoholics.
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Wow.
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And there seems to be
direct co-relation between
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the amount of
alcohol you consume
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and your likelihood of divorce.
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Even if you're not an alcoholic,
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if you just drink socially,
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there's a direct
correlation between
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alcohol consumed and
likelihood of divorce.
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It is not interesting,
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even when it's not an alcoholic?
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Yeah, the more you drink
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the more likely
you are to be divorced.
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Well, and I think we
talk about actual addiction,
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we're talking about a
situation where it's hard to be
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in a
relationship with that person.
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Marriage to an
alcoholic or an addict
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is not a truly a marriage.
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No, its not.
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And the reason
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that I would say that is because
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this person will make choices
that will not make any sense.
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They will choice
the drug of the choice
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over the marriage every time,
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they'll choose it
over their children,
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over their Job,
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over thing that
makes absolutely no sense.
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But that's because this
has such a strong hold on them,
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you know.
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And so it's very hard to be
in a relationship with a person
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whose judgment is so impaired.
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The drug of choice becomes more
important than the marriage.
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It becomes more
important than their own health,
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it becomes more important
than their relationship to God.
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It is the most important
thing in the world to them.
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And you can't be in
a marriage with someone
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who has that
kind of priority set.
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It's very difficult.
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And that doesn't
mean that the addict
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or the
alcoholic is a bad person.
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No, not at all.
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It doesn't mean that
they are unloved by God,
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it doesn't mean any of that.
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What does it mean is,
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it shows how strong a hold
this can help on an individual.
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That's right.
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You know, Satan
gets hold of people
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in a lot of different ways,
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this happens to be the way
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that he is able to
grasp that particular person.
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And there is a lot of hard ache
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they goes
through this experience,
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not just for the person married
to the addict or the alcoholic,
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but to the children
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and for the addict and
the alcoholic themselves.
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Themselves. Yeah,
that is destructive.
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Now, there are some stages
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that usually takes
place in the life of a family,
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someone whose married to
an alcoholic or an addict.
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Let me share what these.
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The first stage
is usually denial.
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Oh, he just drink too
much at the Christmas party,
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he won't do it again.
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But when he or she
does again and again
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then there are attempts
to eliminate the problem,
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usually by begging, by
threatening, by cajoling.
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But when those fail,
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and you see that problem persist
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then the family usually falls
into disorganization and chaos.
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Children begin to act out,
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the relationship itself starts
to fall apart, there's this...
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So the family is just
a disaster at that point?
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And absolute disaster.
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Then there's a reorganization
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in spite of the
addiction or the alcoholism.
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So the alcoholism still exists.
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It still exists.
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But they reorganize around it?
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There's a reorganization,
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but it's an
unhealthy reorganization.
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Okay.
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Usually, around form of
love we call co-dependency,
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which is a rescuing
and being rescued form,
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its a very sick form of love,
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but I've never
worked with the spouse
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of an addict of an alcoholic
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who was not a co-dependent.
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Never once. And I've done...
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Is just the nature
of the beast, isn't it?
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I've done drug and alcohol rehab
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in psychiatrist
facilities as a Chaplin,
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never once seen anyone married
to an alcoholic or an addict
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who was not co-dependent.
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Well, you are trying to fix,
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and you are we
trying to rescue them,
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you're trying to make it better,
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and they want that,
and they come back to it,
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but then they
self-destruct again.
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Absolutely.
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And then you're
back, rescuing again.
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Becomes an ugly
recycled that repeats itself.
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And then, you began to
feel your worth by being rescued
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and the person
rescuing feels loving
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because they are rescuing.
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Because they are
rescuing. They are rescuing.
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But eventually, once you rescued
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and you're nurturing
this person is been rescued,
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feels suffocated by it,
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and so they sabotage
the relationship again,
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and spiral once again by using,
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and again they are
rescued over and over again.
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It's an
exhausting kind of thing.
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It's exhausting;
it's a sick way of loving.
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And both people become
sick through the process.
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Then, eventually, when that
no longer works and eventually,
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even that sick reorganization
no longer has an effect,
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there's an attempt to escape.
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The person married to
the alcoholic or the addict
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just got to get out.
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And eventually, then
there is family reorganization
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usually without the
alcoholic or the addict,
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because the
divorce will occur unless,
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the alcoholic or the
addict gets sober and clean
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and then the family can
reorganize around sobriety.
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Yeah.
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And that we would
really hope for the people.
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Now those are
typical stages, you know,
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the stages may be a
little bit different
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from one family to another
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but that's pretty typical.
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You can see that
over and over again.
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Yeah.
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And you know, if indeed
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you find yourself
in this situation,
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the first thing
to do is to admit it.
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That is the first step
of every 12 Step program.
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"I got a problem."
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And 12 Step program has
been around a long time,
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they've had a lot of success.
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But the very
first thing is to say,
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yes, this is going on.
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Right.
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Admit that it's happening,
admit that you are the addict,
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you are the
alcoholic, and then get help,
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be willing to get help.
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There are lots of agencies
they can help, you know,
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Alcoholics
Anonymous, Al-Anon/Alateen.
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There is a
Christian recovery program
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called Celebrate Recovery,
that many Churches conduct.
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12 Step program also
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for narcotics and
Narcotics Anonymous (NA).
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So it is another related to AAA.
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Yeah.
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And so but
recovery I think talks about
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all kinds of addiction,
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so that's one, you
know, that might be helpful,
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you can find some times
the local church is doing that.
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AA and NA started out
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as purely Christian programs
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and they've been more
secularized through the years,
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they're still a valuable
program and valuable aid.
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But Celebrate Recovery
is on a bashley Christian
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and it is a very
successful program.
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And then refuse to
keep the secretes, you know,
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once you uncover those,
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they don't have as
much power over you.
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You get in this
unhealthy kind of situation
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where everybody is
trying to cover it up,
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it's not been really happening.
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Uncover those secrets,
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let them out there
and deal with them,
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because they don't
hold the power over you
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when you uncover them.
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You're not having
to like word any word,
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doesn't have any power.
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It breaks the power
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and it makes
recovery a possibility.
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And it helps you
realize you are only one
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that's ever experience this.
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You'll find the
many, many people
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have come through it,
they had the same problem.
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Absolutely.
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Again, the
alcoholic, the addict,
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this is not a bad person.
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No.
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This is a broken person.
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Everyone we're talking about
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with this big
issues are broken people.
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They are not terrible people,
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these are the people
for whom Christ died.
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That's right.
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People who loved by him.
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And He is standing there,
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waiting and
willing to help with this.
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So I don't think
we say, all right,
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go to a program and
that your whole solution.
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No.
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You go to a
program with God's help,
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with him right
there besides you,
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walking through
every moment with you.
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And with all of
the 12 Step program
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there's this spiritual component
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and that's how
makes them successful.
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That's why they succeed.
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That's it, the
spiritual compounded is key.
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There's one more issue
that we need to talk about,
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and again, it's
one of those that
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no one likes to talk about.
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And the churches especially
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doesn't like to talk about this.
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We hate to admit that
it exists in the church.
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Yeah, it's just
shameful that it doesn't exist.
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We hate to admit
it but it does exist.
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And this one is
called Spousal Abuse.
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Right.
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We need to talk about abuse
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because its going on in
every segment of the society
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and the church is no exceptions.
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No exceptions.
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We've heard a lot
about it in the news
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in the last couple of years,
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really, with
professional athletes
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and things like that,
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some of the stars in
Hollywood that you hear of
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that have
Spousal Abuse situation.
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And you know, isn't it nice
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that the sporting organizations,
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the professional
organizations are now taking
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very proactive
steps regarding this
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and saying, by the way,
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if you're
convicted of spousal abusive,
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there are penalties
from your work over this.
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Yeah.
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You know, may be
the motivation for this
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is public pressure and money.
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And may be it's not just that
they are good people doing this
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but at least they are doing it.
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And may be they
are almost leading
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the rest of the
society at times in this.
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We need to take
this proactive stands
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or even more so in the church.
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We do.
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And I think one of the things
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that we need to do
is to understand it.
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Yeah. What is spousal abuse?
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Well, it has such a
wide range that sometimes
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we don't
acknowledge what's going on.
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It starts on one
end if we continuum,
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down at this lower
end of the continuum
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it may be just cruel remarks,
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it may be jokes that
the spouse experience,
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but then it continues on
00:09:02.30\00:09:03.71
and it goes to isolation
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where you try to
isolate that person
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from family and friends,
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you know, keep them in a box.
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It goes to
financial imprisonment
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where they can't really
get out of this situation
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because they can't afford it,
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they can't manage, they
don't have any resources.
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It goes on,
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there's great emotional
abuse with verbal abuse,
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it can go then to
the physical abuse.
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When you get all the way,
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and there are
still many more steps,
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when you get all the
way to the other end,
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it's actually homicide.
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Homicide.
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So when you realize that this,
it's abuse all the way through,
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we got to be able to acknowledge
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and recognize
that it's going on.
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And no one wants
to recognize that.
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If you are abuser,
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you don't want
to be recognize it,
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if you are the one being abused,
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you don't want to recognize
it, because if you are abusive,
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you don't want to
recognize that you are hurting
00:09:52.29\00:09:55.09
the people you love the most.
00:09:55.12\00:09:56.83
Yeah.
00:09:56.86\00:09:58.19
And if you are the
victim, you don't want to admit
00:09:58.23\00:10:00.96
that you are some
weak little victim,
00:10:01.00\00:10:03.13
as I've heard
them call themselves,
00:10:03.16\00:10:04.63
"I can't take care of myself."
00:10:04.67\00:10:06.00
Well, that's exactly
what one woman said me.
00:10:06.03\00:10:08.04
She says, "I'm not a
some weak little thing
00:10:08.07\00:10:10.07
that can't take care of myself."
00:10:10.11\00:10:11.87
And yet, she showed
every sign of abuse.
00:10:11.91\00:10:15.08
In her case, it
wasn't physical abuse
00:10:15.11\00:10:16.78
so you couldn't see a
black eyes or a bruise.
00:10:16.81\00:10:19.45
It was emotional
abuse that was so bad
00:10:19.48\00:10:22.05
that it was
stressing her entire life.
00:10:22.08\00:10:24.79
It's important to recognize
00:10:24.82\00:10:26.15
that abuse is not
just about violence.
00:10:26.19\00:10:28.79
The key of the abuse
is the power and control.
00:10:28.82\00:10:32.63
Any relationship that is
based on power and control
00:10:32.66\00:10:35.76
rather than love and partnership
00:10:35.80\00:10:37.40
is by definition an
abusive relationship.
00:10:37.43\00:10:40.60
And that's not just marriage
relationship, it's friendship,
00:10:40.64\00:10:43.91
it's work relationship,
church relationship,
00:10:43.94\00:10:47.01
entire
congregation can be abusive.
00:10:47.04\00:10:49.34
Because, if they're
based on power and control,
00:10:49.38\00:10:52.01
I'm going to control
the minutiae of your life
00:10:52.05\00:10:55.62
and I'm going to enforce this
00:10:55.65\00:10:57.05
rather than just
uplift Christ and say,
00:10:57.09\00:10:59.22
there's a better way to
live, if I'm enforcing it,
00:10:59.25\00:11:01.82
if it is about power and control
00:11:01.86\00:11:03.93
it becomes abusive by nature.
00:11:03.96\00:11:05.39
Well, in a marriage relationship
00:11:05.43\00:11:07.20
there are some
red flag statements
00:11:07.23\00:11:09.03
that you hear from time to time.
00:11:09.06\00:11:10.53
There are things like,
well, if you'd behave better,
00:11:10.57\00:11:13.27
I wouldn't have to
treat you this way.
00:11:13.30\00:11:16.20
And that's said over and over
00:11:16.24\00:11:18.11
and the sad thing is
people start believing it.
00:11:18.14\00:11:21.34
They start to believe
that must be true of me,
00:11:21.38\00:11:23.75
I'm causing this
by my baby behavior.
00:11:23.78\00:11:27.22
Oh, I don't deserve
anything better than this.
00:11:27.25\00:11:28.85
Yeah.
00:11:28.88\00:11:30.22
And you're told that you
don't deserve anything better.
00:11:30.25\00:11:31.92
In fact, another of the
red flag statement says,
00:11:31.95\00:11:35.62
"If I didn't keep you around,
no one would ever want you.
00:11:35.66\00:11:38.56
You're just lucky that
I even let you live here."
00:11:38.59\00:11:40.40
Right.
00:11:40.43\00:11:41.76
"If I got rid on you, you
would be out on the street
00:11:41.80\00:11:44.07
because there is no
one that would want you."
00:11:44.10\00:11:45.80
Right.
00:11:45.83\00:11:47.17
And it seems so outlandish
and yet, people believe it.
00:11:47.20\00:11:52.17
The victim begins to
believe that about themselves.
00:11:52.21\00:11:55.44
Right.
00:11:55.48\00:11:57.28
Those are the red flags.
00:11:57.31\00:11:58.75
And I think that if indeed you
find yourself in this situation
00:11:58.78\00:12:02.12
and you're the one
who is been victimize,
00:12:02.15\00:12:04.59
the first step is to admit it.
00:12:04.62\00:12:07.09
And like you said,
00:12:07.12\00:12:08.46
it seems like that
would be easy to admit
00:12:08.49\00:12:10.19
and obvious, but it is not.
00:12:10.23\00:12:11.56
It's not.
00:12:11.59\00:12:12.93
You don't want to
be seen as a victim
00:12:12.96\00:12:14.30
and don't want to be seen
00:12:14.33\00:12:15.66
if you are the abuser
as abusing the people.
00:12:15.70\00:12:18.20
You, basically
as the abuser lost
00:12:18.23\00:12:20.50
the power of compassion.
00:12:20.54\00:12:22.14
You lost the ability to
have compassion on your spouse
00:12:22.17\00:12:25.11
or on another person.
00:12:25.14\00:12:26.47
Or even on yourselves.
00:12:26.51\00:12:27.84
Yes.
00:12:27.88\00:12:29.21
And an abuser,
again, is not a bad person,
00:12:29.24\00:12:30.61
but this is a person who's lost
touch with their core values.
00:12:30.65\00:12:34.32
And by losing that touch
00:12:34.35\00:12:37.05
and by losing the ability
00:12:37.09\00:12:38.42
to have compassion
for themselves and others
00:12:38.45\00:12:40.22
they engage and behave
00:12:40.26\00:12:41.59
as they never thought
possible for them to engage in.
00:12:41.62\00:12:43.53
And so the first
step is to admit it,
00:12:43.56\00:12:45.09
the second step may
be to get some help.
00:12:45.13\00:12:47.13
Get help.
00:12:47.16\00:12:48.50
Yeah, there is help available.
00:12:48.53\00:12:50.00
You know, they are
hotlines that you can call.
00:12:50.03\00:12:54.04
You can Google and find...
00:12:54.07\00:12:55.87
A National
hotline or local hot line.
00:12:55.90\00:12:57.77
Absolutely.
00:12:57.81\00:12:59.14
Be willing to do that,
00:12:59.17\00:13:00.81
it's very hard, it is very hard.
00:13:00.84\00:13:02.98
It's something that people,
00:13:03.01\00:13:04.51
they feel like they have failed
00:13:04.55\00:13:06.28
or they feel they are afraid.
00:13:06.31\00:13:07.68
Yeah.
00:13:07.72\00:13:09.05
You may need a safety plain
if you are in a physical...
00:13:09.08\00:13:10.75
physically abusive situation.
00:13:10.79\00:13:12.12
Having the
safety plan can be key.
00:13:12.15\00:13:13.72
And I think that
there's also a work
00:13:13.76\00:13:15.82
that friends and
churches can do here.
00:13:15.86\00:13:18.56
That's right.
00:13:18.59\00:13:19.93
And that is by
helping people safe,
00:13:19.96\00:13:22.40
recognize when
abuse takes place.
00:13:22.43\00:13:24.00
Open our eyes.
00:13:24.03\00:13:25.37
Open our eyes
00:13:25.40\00:13:26.74
and help develop
safety plans for someone,
00:13:26.77\00:13:28.40
be a resource for them
00:13:28.44\00:13:30.01
so that they don't have--
00:13:30.04\00:13:31.37
the bottom line is
it's not God's plan
00:13:31.41\00:13:33.64
for you to live that way.
00:13:33.68\00:13:35.18
You are not a
more spiritual person
00:13:35.21\00:13:36.68
because you allow
someone to beat you up
00:13:36.71\00:13:38.85
or to degrade you,
or to belittle you.
00:13:38.88\00:13:41.62
God has a better plan.
00:13:41.65\00:13:43.25
Because, this, the abuser has
abrogated their marriage vows,
00:13:43.28\00:13:48.56
they have failed
to keep those vows
00:13:48.59\00:13:50.49
and it's placed you
and your children at risk.
00:13:50.53\00:13:52.36
We need to help.
00:13:52.39\00:13:53.73
Those are few of the big issues.
00:13:53.76\00:13:55.43
The key is let's deal with them
00:13:55.46\00:13:56.80
because you need to be
madly in love with one another.
00:13:56.83\00:13:58.90