Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000089A
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00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hand.
00:21 We're Mike and Gayle Tucker 00:22 from Faith for Today television, 00:24 the host of Lifestyle magazine and Mad about Marriage. 00:27 And we've been talking about married life today 00:30 and how to make this work. 00:32 But, you know there are some issues in marriage 00:35 that are pretty destructive. 00:38 They kind of overshadow a lot of the other problems, 00:41 because these are the big things. 00:43 These are major things and in this presentation, 00:46 it's not really a fun presentation, 00:48 'cause there's not much fun about it. 00:50 But I think it's important, 00:51 because it is important to look at some of those major issues 00:54 that are destroying families today. 00:58 One of them... God, I heard you take a breath. 00:59 No, it's... Go ahead, go ahead. 01:00 One of them is pornography. 01:03 It's a growing problem, is pervasive in America today. 01:08 And the other is addiction. 01:11 And another is infidelity. 01:14 And another is abuse. 01:16 Those are four big issues that are not fun to talk about, 01:18 but I think we need to talk about them. 01:20 We do need to. 01:21 There are not the only big issues 01:22 that are destroying marriages, but they are certainly huge. 01:25 And we used to think of them as being issues 01:28 that people outside the Christian community 01:31 would experience. 01:32 But we were insulated from such things within the church. 01:35 It's never been true 01:37 and at least now we're aware that it's not true. 01:40 I think we are becoming more aware 01:42 more and we're more willing to admit 01:45 that maybe the Christian community 01:47 has some of the same problems. 01:49 Statistically speaking, 01:50 they are finding that these are happening 01:53 at about the same level that they do in secular society, 01:56 which is a sad commentary. 01:58 It is a sad commentary. 01:59 But we-- if we'll open our eyes, 02:00 they are not things that we cannot manage 02:03 through God's help. 02:05 That's right. 02:06 Well, let's start with pornography. 02:09 This is a huge issue within the church 02:12 and outside of the church. 02:14 It is a major business on the internet. 02:17 It is bigger than the NBA, 02:19 National Basketball Association, 02:21 the NFL, and major league baseball, 02:24 and hockey combined. 02:26 All of those combined. All of those combined. 02:28 It does more business on the internet 02:30 than all of those industries combined. 02:33 So you mean the amount of money that's made on internet 02:36 is more than the amount of money 02:37 made by those leagues. 02:38 Spent and made. 02:40 Wow! 02:41 On the internet, on pornography. 02:43 So that's how big this is. 02:44 Major purchasers of pornography tend to be men aged 16 to 26, 02:50 that's the primary target age. 02:53 However, older men have a problem with it. 02:55 Women will have a problem with it as well. 02:57 It's something we don't talk about as much. 02:59 But the bottom line 03:01 is this absolutely positively destroys marriages. 03:05 It does. 03:06 We talked to a psychologist recently, 03:07 who told us that she believes 03:09 that pornography is one of the major issues 03:12 that is destroying marriages today. 03:14 She said we close our eyes to it. 03:16 We say "Oh, it doesn't make any difference." 03:18 But some of the damage that's done, 03:20 it damages your spouse. 03:22 Yeah. 03:23 Because it robs your spouse of time, 03:25 and attention, and energy 03:26 that should belong only to that person. 03:29 And it also destroys marital satisfaction. 03:31 You know, there was a study done in Indiana University 03:34 that showed that just six hours 03:37 of viewing soft-core pornography, 03:39 not hardcore, six hours was enough 03:41 to destroy or begin to minimize 03:44 the satisfaction with his or her spouse, 03:47 the viewer's satisfaction with his or her spouse. 03:50 Just six hours 03:51 soft-core, 03:53 already has that detrimental effect on the marriage. 03:56 And that's not very much. 03:57 No, it's not. 03:59 Viewers of pornography 04:00 can spend tens of hours every week on it. 04:04 It's an amazing fact that how much they can consume. 04:08 It also changes your attitude toward the opposite sex. 04:12 It reduces them from people to a commodity, to be consumed. 04:18 They're an object to be consumed, 04:20 rather than a human being, a person. 04:22 Yeah. 04:23 So it also lessens one's sensitivity 04:25 to violence against the opposite sex. 04:29 If I'm watching television 04:31 and happened to be watching something 04:32 other than a religious channel 04:34 and I'm flipping through, 04:35 if I see, portrayed on television, 04:38 an act of violence by a man against a woman, 04:40 I can't watch it. 04:41 It drives me crazy. 04:43 I want to stop it, but it's television. 04:44 You can't do that. 04:45 So I just have to change the channel. 04:47 But a viewer of pornography becomes desensitized to that. 04:50 And they find themselves able to watch almost anything 04:53 and it doesn't bother them at all. 04:55 It just changes your attitude. 04:56 Another thing that happens 04:58 is that it impacts your level 04:59 of commitment to a relationship. 05:01 And there was this study that was done recently 05:05 at Florida State University. 05:07 And it was interesting, some of the things they found. 05:09 Because they decided that they wanted to study 05:11 the level of commitment of people who view pornography. 05:14 So they took a group of students 05:17 and these students 05:18 all are in monogamous heterosexual relationships, 05:25 and they were all viewers of pornography. 05:27 So they had a relationship 05:29 and they were viewers of pornography. 05:30 They divided them into two groups 05:32 and they told them that they were gonna be 05:33 part of the study on self control. 05:36 They asked one group to refrain for three weeks 05:39 from viewing any kind of nudity or pornography. 05:42 They asked the other group to refrain for three weeks 05:45 from eating their favorite food. 05:47 And at the end of that time, 05:49 they measured the level of commitment 05:51 in each of those groups to their own relationship. 05:55 What they found was the group who had left off pornography 05:59 for three weeks had an increase in their level of commitment 06:03 to the relationship. 06:05 They found that had their level of commitment 06:07 to their relationship had elevated 06:09 in just three weeks of living off pornography. 06:11 Just three weeks? Just three weeks. 06:12 Now the group that left off their favorite food 06:14 but continued with pornography, 06:16 they had no change in their level of commitment. 06:18 Ah, so it didn't help them in the relationship 06:21 to quit eating favorite food. 06:22 It didn't. But then they followed that up. 06:24 They said, well, does this really 06:25 translate into infidelity then? 06:27 And so they-- To make a long story short, 06:29 they did another study with 240 people. 06:32 What they discovered was that 06:34 as levels of pornography viewing went up, 06:38 the level of commitment to the relationship went down, 06:41 and the level of infidelity went up. 06:43 Goes up as well. 06:45 So there is a direct correlation 06:46 between pornography and infidelity, 06:48 and a direct correlation between pornography 06:52 and commitment to a relationship. 06:53 So if you want your marriage to be strong, 06:56 you can't sit there and say "Well, this is all right. 06:59 It's, you know, it's just... 07:00 it doesn't mean I don't love my spouse. 07:02 It just means that, you know, 07:04 this is just something I do on the side. 07:05 It's okay." No. 07:07 It's going to impact the way that you see your spouse. 07:10 It's gonna make you decide 07:11 to start looking for alternatives. 07:12 Right. 07:14 Well, I want to leave this-- Just a moment ago, 07:15 to another big problem but the other thing 07:18 that I think it is important for us to mention 07:19 is that this puts children at risk. 07:22 Absolutely. 07:24 The truth is that the younger a child 07:26 is when they are first exposed to pornography, 07:28 the more damaging effects 07:29 it has upon that child, long term. 07:32 And most people 07:33 with a very serious addiction to pornography 07:37 would tell you that they had their first exposure 07:40 when they found dad's stash, either a stack of magazines 07:43 or something on the computer 07:45 or a video some place that he had, 07:47 and they began to watch that. 07:48 And that that's where that journey began. 07:51 And the younger they are when they first see that, 07:54 the more damaging the long term effects. 07:55 If it's in your home in any way, shape or form, 07:59 they're gonna find it. 08:01 That's right. 08:02 And so you're better off protecting your children 08:03 from this by not having it around, just don't do it. 08:06 Don't do it. 08:07 Find the way out of it. Talk to someone. 08:10 Get some accountability with a counselor, with a group. 08:13 There are a lot of resources on the internet. 08:15 Begin to deal with this issue, 08:17 because it is tremendously destructive. 08:19 And everything improves when you quit. 08:21 Everything 08:22 Commitment improves, fidelity improves, your attitude. 08:24 You even have less depression 08:26 when you're not viewing pornography. 08:27 Studies show that as well. 08:29 We could go on and on. 08:30 But let's move on to another topic. 08:32 All right, let's talk little bit about infidelity, 08:35 which is a very sad fact in America today. 08:40 Infidelity is defined as an emotional 08:43 or physical attachment outside of marriage. 08:47 It doesn't always look the same. 08:51 It can be emotional or physical. 08:53 It can also be... 08:55 Both emotional and physical. 08:57 That's right. I'll get this out any minute. 08:58 So it can either be just emotional or just physical 09:00 or both emotional and physical. 09:02 By the way, as a counselor who has helped couples 09:04 who recover from infidelity, 09:05 a purely physical relationship is easier to recover 09:08 from than a purely emotional relationship is. 09:11 Interesting. 09:13 And the most difficult to recover 09:14 from is that which is both emotional and physical. 09:17 However, I've seen couples 09:19 of all three types of affairs recover. 09:22 So I know that it is doable by God's grace. 09:25 That's right. 09:26 Well, let's talk a little bit about infidelity. 09:29 What's the damage of that? 09:31 First of all, I think the huge damage is that it is a lie. 09:34 And it's a lie not just to your spouse, 09:37 although, obviously, it's a lie to your spouse, 09:39 because you promised that you would be true 09:41 to that person only. 09:42 And then that's not what's happening. 09:44 So it's a lie to your spouse, but it also a lie to yourself, 09:47 isn't it? Um-hmm. 09:49 It's a lie to yourself, because people think "Oh! Man, 09:52 now that I'm in this relationship, 09:54 I realize I've never really loved anyone like this before. 09:58 It's a euphoric kind of feeling. 10:00 This is awesome." 10:01 And what's really going on 10:03 is that there is an adrenaline rush 10:05 from getting away with something. 10:07 It's not better than anything you've ever had in your life. 10:09 It's different and it's an exciting thing 10:12 for the moment. 10:13 Hmm-mm. 10:14 So there... It's a lie to yourself. 10:16 But it's also a lie to the third party. 10:17 Because it implies to the third party, 10:19 if only my spouse was not in the way, 10:21 then what we have, it would be wonderful. 10:23 It would last for ever. 10:24 That's a lie as well. And here's how we know. 10:27 They did a study among 4,200 business men 10:29 who had an extra-marital affair. 10:31 Of those 4,200, only 3% ever married the third party. 10:35 Wow! 10:36 And of the three percent who married the third party, 10:38 75% of those marriages ended in divorce. 10:41 Hmm. 10:43 So it's a lie to the third party. 10:44 It's not better than anything that you've ever had. 10:46 There's an addiction to an adrenaline rush. 10:48 In fact, then addiction to that, 10:50 the third party, that it tells you a lie 10:53 about the nature of the relationship 10:55 and the strength of the experience. 10:57 So infidelity is a lie to your spouse, 11:00 to yourself, and to the third party. 11:02 So everybody is just being duped in this. 11:03 That's right. 11:05 Yeah, it's a horrible thing. 11:06 It also breaks trust. Hmm-mm. 11:08 And one of the most important components 11:11 of a marriage relationship is trust. 11:13 You have to able to trust the other person. 11:15 It has to be the foundation in the relationship. 11:18 How can you, you know, give your body and your life 11:21 and everything else to the other person 11:23 without being able to trust them? 11:25 Exactly... It's a broken trust. 11:27 What people need to understand though 11:28 is that trust can be rebuilt. 11:31 It can. It's a long process. 11:33 But it can be rebuilt. It's not a hopeless situation. 11:35 And you and I, both seen couples be able to do that, 11:38 to have made the decision to make the break. 11:41 And by the way, when it's time to make the break, 11:43 and it is the time now. 11:45 If you're doing this, it is the time now. 11:47 Yeah. Let's just end that discussion. 11:49 When you make the break, 11:51 there can be no contact with that third party, 11:53 because you have an addiction. 11:54 They may have become your drug of choice. 11:56 And every new contact with them after you stop the affair, 12:00 you have to start the recovery process, 12:02 the withdrawal process all over again. 12:04 Just like an alcoholic would have to do. 12:06 Absolutely. 12:07 You can only say one day sober, 12:09 because I relapsed and had a drink yesterday, 12:11 so I've been one day sober. 12:13 Basically, it's the same thing with this affair. 12:15 You have to break up all contact. 12:17 You have to admit what you have done 12:18 and a confession is not saying "Well, yes, I did this. 12:22 But if you've been more attentive, 12:23 I would not have been at risk." 12:24 That's a rational decision, not an admission. 12:27 The confession says it doesn't matter what you did. 12:29 What I did was wrong and I apologize. 12:32 Please forgive me for that. 12:34 So you apologize and then you rebuild trust. 12:36 You ask, you give, you receive forgiveness, 12:39 you rebuild trust, you fix the preexisting problems 12:42 that were in the marriage, and then you restore that trust 12:46 and you find a new purpose for your... 12:47 Absolutely. 12:48 And rebuilding trust is something that can be done. 12:50 Yes. 12:52 You have to kind of submit yourself 12:53 to that and say I'm gonna love my spouse 12:56 to check up on me, 12:57 I'm gonna do whatever we have to do, 12:58 if I have to move to a different town, 13:00 whatever it is, I'm gonna rebuild that trust. 13:02 And you can be happier than you were before. 13:04 But couples that we've seen through this process 13:06 will tell you, in fact, they told us to tell everyone, 13:09 it's worth the work. 13:11 If you do the work, it's worth it. 13:13 Well, that's enough on that topic. 13:15 We're gonna take a break. 13:17 We will be back with more right after this. |
Revised 2016-06-09