Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hand.
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We're Mike and Gayle Tucker
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from Faith for Today television,
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the host of Lifestyle
magazine and Mad about Marriage.
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And we've been talking
about married life today
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and how to make this work.
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But, you know there
are some issues in marriage
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that are pretty destructive.
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They kind of overshadow a
lot of the other problems,
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because these
are the big things.
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These are major things
and in this presentation,
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it's not really
a fun presentation,
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'cause there's
not much fun about it.
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But I think it's important,
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because it is important to look
at some of those major issues
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that are
destroying families today.
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One of them... God, I
heard you take a breath.
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No, it's... Go ahead, go ahead.
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One of them is pornography.
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It's a growing problem, is
pervasive in America today.
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And the other is addiction.
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And another is infidelity.
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And another is abuse.
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Those are four big issues
that are not fun to talk about,
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but I think we
need to talk about them.
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We do need to.
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There are not
the only big issues
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that are destroying marriages,
but they are certainly huge.
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And we used to think
of them as being issues
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that people outside
the Christian community
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would experience.
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But we were insulated from
such things within the church.
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It's never been true
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and at least now we're
aware that it's not true.
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I think we are
becoming more aware
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more and we're
more willing to admit
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that maybe the
Christian community
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has some of the same problems.
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Statistically speaking,
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they are finding
that these are happening
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at about the same level
that they do in secular society,
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which is a sad commentary.
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It is a sad commentary.
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But we-- if we'll open our eyes,
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they are not things
that we cannot manage
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through God's help.
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That's right.
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Well, let's
start with pornography.
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This is a huge
issue within the church
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and outside of the church.
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It is a major
business on the internet.
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It is bigger than the NBA,
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National Basketball Association,
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the NFL, and
major league baseball,
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and hockey combined.
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All of those
combined. All of those combined.
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It does more
business on the internet
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than all of those
industries combined.
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So you mean the amount of
money that's made on internet
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is more than the amount of money
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made by those leagues.
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Spent and made.
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Wow!
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On the internet, on pornography.
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So that's how big this is.
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Major purchasers of pornography
tend to be men aged 16 to 26,
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that's the primary target age.
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However, older men
have a problem with it.
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Women will have a
problem with it as well.
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It's something we
don't talk about as much.
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But the bottom line
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is this absolutely
positively destroys marriages.
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It does.
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We talked to a
psychologist recently,
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who told us that she believes
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that pornography is
one of the major issues
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that is
destroying marriages today.
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She said we
close our eyes to it.
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We say "Oh, it
doesn't make any difference."
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But some of the
damage that's done,
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it damages your spouse.
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Yeah.
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Because it robs
your spouse of time,
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and attention, and energy
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that should belong
only to that person.
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And it also destroys
marital satisfaction.
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You know, there was a
study done in Indiana University
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that showed that just six hours
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of viewing
soft-core pornography,
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not hardcore,
six hours was enough
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to destroy or begin to minimize
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the satisfaction
with his or her spouse,
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the viewer's satisfaction
with his or her spouse.
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Just six hours
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soft-core,
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already has that detrimental
effect on the marriage.
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And that's not very much.
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No, it's not.
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Viewers of pornography
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can spend tens of
hours every week on it.
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It's an amazing fact that
how much they can consume.
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It also changes your attitude
toward the opposite sex.
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It reduces them from people
to a commodity, to be consumed.
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They're an
object to be consumed,
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rather than a
human being, a person.
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Yeah.
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So it also
lessens one's sensitivity
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to violence
against the opposite sex.
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If I'm watching television
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and happened to
be watching something
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other than a religious channel
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and I'm flipping through,
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if I see,
portrayed on television,
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an act of violence by
a man against a woman,
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I can't watch it.
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It drives me crazy.
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I want to stop it,
but it's television.
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You can't do that.
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So I just have to
change the channel.
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But a viewer of pornography
becomes desensitized to that.
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And they find themselves
able to watch almost anything
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and it doesn't
bother them at all.
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It just changes your attitude.
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Another thing that happens
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is that it impacts your level
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of commitment to a relationship.
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And there was this
study that was done recently
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at Florida State University.
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And it was interesting,
some of the things they found.
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Because they decided
that they wanted to study
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the level of commitment of
people who view pornography.
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So they took a group of students
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and these students
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all are in monogamous
heterosexual relationships,
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and they were all
viewers of pornography.
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So they had a relationship
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and they were
viewers of pornography.
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They divided
them into two groups
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and they told them
that they were gonna be
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part of the
study on self control.
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They asked one group
to refrain for three weeks
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from viewing any kind
of nudity or pornography.
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They asked the other
group to refrain for three weeks
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from eating their favorite food.
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And at the end of that time,
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they measured the
level of commitment
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in each of those groups
to their own relationship.
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What they found was the group
who had left off pornography
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for three weeks had an increase
in their level of commitment
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to the relationship.
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They found that had
their level of commitment
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to their
relationship had elevated
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in just three weeks of
living off pornography.
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Just three
weeks? Just three weeks.
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Now the group that
left off their favorite food
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but continued with pornography,
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they had no change in
their level of commitment.
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Ah, so it didn't help
them in the relationship
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to quit eating favorite food.
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It didn't. But then
they followed that up.
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They said,
well, does this really
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translate into infidelity then?
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And so they-- To
make a long story short,
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they did another
study with 240 people.
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What they discovered was that
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as levels of
pornography viewing went up,
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the level of commitment to
the relationship went down,
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and the level of
infidelity went up.
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Goes up as well.
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So there is a direct correlation
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between
pornography and infidelity,
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and a direct
correlation between pornography
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and commitment
to a relationship.
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So if you want your
marriage to be strong,
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you can't sit there and
say "Well, this is all right.
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It's, you know, it's just...
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it doesn't mean I
don't love my spouse.
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It just means that, you know,
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this is just
something I do on the side.
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It's okay." No.
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It's going to impact the
way that you see your spouse.
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It's gonna make you decide
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to start looking
for alternatives.
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Right.
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Well, I want to leave
this-- Just a moment ago,
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to another big
problem but the other thing
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that I think it is
important for us to mention
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is that this
puts children at risk.
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Absolutely.
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The truth is that
the younger a child
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is when they are first
exposed to pornography,
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the more damaging effects
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it has upon that
child, long term.
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And most people
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with a very serious
addiction to pornography
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would tell you that
they had their first exposure
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when they found dad's stash,
either a stack of magazines
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or something on the computer
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or a video some
place that he had,
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and they began to watch that.
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And that that's
where that journey began.
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And the younger they are
when they first see that,
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the more damaging
the long term effects.
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If it's in your home
in any way, shape or form,
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they're gonna find it.
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That's right.
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And so you're better
off protecting your children
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from this by not having
it around, just don't do it.
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Don't do it.
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Find the way out of
it. Talk to someone.
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Get some accountability
with a counselor, with a group.
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There are a lot of
resources on the internet.
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Begin to deal with this issue,
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because it is
tremendously destructive.
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And everything
improves when you quit.
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Everything
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Commitment improves, fidelity
improves, your attitude.
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You even have less depression
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when you're not
viewing pornography.
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Studies show that as well.
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We could go on and on.
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But let's move
on to another topic.
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All right, let's talk
little bit about infidelity,
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which is a very sad
fact in America today.
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Infidelity is
defined as an emotional
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or physical
attachment outside of marriage.
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It doesn't always look the same.
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It can be emotional or physical.
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It can also be...
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Both emotional and physical.
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That's right. I'll
get this out any minute.
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So it can either be just
emotional or just physical
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or both emotional and physical.
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By the way, as a
counselor who has helped couples
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who recover from infidelity,
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a purely physical relationship
is easier to recover
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from than a purely
emotional relationship is.
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Interesting.
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And the most
difficult to recover
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from is that which is
both emotional and physical.
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However, I've seen couples
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of all three types
of affairs recover.
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So I know that it is
doable by God's grace.
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That's right.
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Well, let's talk a
little bit about infidelity.
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What's the damage of that?
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First of all, I think the
huge damage is that it is a lie.
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And it's a lie not
just to your spouse,
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although, obviously,
it's a lie to your spouse,
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because you promised
that you would be true
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to that person only.
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And then that's
not what's happening.
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So it's a lie to your spouse,
but it also a lie to yourself,
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isn't it? Um-hmm.
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It's a lie to yourself,
because people think "Oh! Man,
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now that I'm in
this relationship,
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I realize I've never really
loved anyone like this before.
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It's a euphoric kind of feeling.
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This is awesome."
00:10:00.33\00:10:01.80
And what's really going on
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is that there is
an adrenaline rush
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from getting
away with something.
00:10:05.17\00:10:07.04
It's not better than anything
you've ever had in your life.
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It's different and
it's an exciting thing
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for the moment.
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Hmm-mm.
00:10:13.41\00:10:14.74
So there... It's
a lie to yourself.
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But it's also a
lie to the third party.
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Because it implies
to the third party,
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if only my spouse
was not in the way,
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then what we have,
it would be wonderful.
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It would last for ever.
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That's a lie as well.
And here's how we know.
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They did a study
among 4,200 business men
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who had an extra-marital affair.
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Of those 4,200, only 3%
ever married the third party.
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Wow!
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And of the three percent
who married the third party,
00:10:36.67\00:10:38.63
75% of those
marriages ended in divorce.
00:10:38.67\00:10:41.90
Hmm.
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So it's a lie
to the third party.
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It's not better than
anything that you've ever had.
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There's an addiction
to an adrenaline rush.
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In fact, then addiction to that,
00:10:48.48\00:10:50.15
the third party,
that it tells you a lie
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about the nature
of the relationship
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and the strength
of the experience.
00:10:55.62\00:10:57.32
So infidelity is a
lie to your spouse,
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to yourself, and
to the third party.
00:11:00.26\00:11:02.06
So everybody is
just being duped in this.
00:11:02.09\00:11:03.83
That's right.
00:11:03.86\00:11:05.19
Yeah, it's a horrible thing.
00:11:05.23\00:11:06.56
It also breaks trust. Hmm-mm.
00:11:06.59\00:11:08.66
And one of the most
important components
00:11:08.70\00:11:11.13
of a marriage
relationship is trust.
00:11:11.17\00:11:13.40
You have to able to
trust the other person.
00:11:13.44\00:11:15.50
It has to be the
foundation in the relationship.
00:11:15.54\00:11:18.44
How can you, you know,
give your body and your life
00:11:18.47\00:11:21.51
and everything
else to the other person
00:11:21.54\00:11:23.24
without being
able to trust them?
00:11:23.28\00:11:25.05
Exactly... It's a broken trust.
00:11:25.08\00:11:27.05
What people need
to understand though
00:11:27.08\00:11:28.88
is that trust can be rebuilt.
00:11:28.92\00:11:31.52
It can. It's a long process.
00:11:31.55\00:11:33.19
But it can be rebuilt.
It's not a hopeless situation.
00:11:33.22\00:11:35.92
And you and I, both seen
couples be able to do that,
00:11:35.96\00:11:38.23
to have made the
decision to make the break.
00:11:38.26\00:11:41.33
And by the way, when
it's time to make the break,
00:11:41.36\00:11:43.20
and it is the time now.
00:11:43.23\00:11:45.30
If you're doing
this, it is the time now.
00:11:45.33\00:11:46.97
Yeah. Let's just
end that discussion.
00:11:47.00\00:11:49.20
When you make the break,
00:11:49.24\00:11:51.07
there can be no
contact with that third party,
00:11:51.11\00:11:52.97
because you have an addiction.
00:11:53.01\00:11:54.34
They may have
become your drug of choice.
00:11:54.38\00:11:56.41
And every new contact with
them after you stop the affair,
00:11:56.44\00:12:00.25
you have to start
the recovery process,
00:12:00.28\00:12:02.52
the withdrawal
process all over again.
00:12:02.55\00:12:04.69
Just like an
alcoholic would have to do.
00:12:04.72\00:12:06.42
Absolutely.
00:12:06.45\00:12:07.79
You can only say one day sober,
00:12:07.82\00:12:09.16
because I relapsed
and had a drink yesterday,
00:12:09.19\00:12:11.19
so I've been one day sober.
00:12:11.23\00:12:13.29
Basically, it's the
same thing with this affair.
00:12:13.33\00:12:15.00
You have to
break up all contact.
00:12:15.03\00:12:17.20
You have to admit
what you have done
00:12:17.23\00:12:18.77
and a confession is not
saying "Well, yes, I did this.
00:12:18.80\00:12:22.00
But if you've
been more attentive,
00:12:22.04\00:12:23.51
I would not have been at risk."
00:12:23.54\00:12:24.87
That's a rational
decision, not an admission.
00:12:24.91\00:12:27.04
The confession says it
doesn't matter what you did.
00:12:27.08\00:12:29.64
What I did was
wrong and I apologize.
00:12:29.68\00:12:32.41
Please forgive me for that.
00:12:32.45\00:12:34.02
So you apologize and
then you rebuild trust.
00:12:34.05\00:12:36.79
You ask, you give,
you receive forgiveness,
00:12:36.82\00:12:39.65
you rebuild trust, you
fix the preexisting problems
00:12:39.69\00:12:42.49
that were in the marriage,
and then you restore that trust
00:12:42.52\00:12:45.99
and you find a new
purpose for your...
00:12:46.03\00:12:47.36
Absolutely.
00:12:47.40\00:12:48.73
And rebuilding trust is
something that can be done.
00:12:48.76\00:12:50.67
Yes.
00:12:50.70\00:12:52.03
You have to kind
of submit yourself
00:12:52.07\00:12:53.54
to that and say I'm
gonna love my spouse
00:12:53.57\00:12:56.20
to check up on me,
00:12:56.24\00:12:57.57
I'm gonna do
whatever we have to do,
00:12:57.61\00:12:58.94
if I have to move
to a different town,
00:12:58.97\00:13:00.31
whatever it is, I'm
gonna rebuild that trust.
00:13:00.34\00:13:02.34
And you can be
happier than you were before.
00:13:02.38\00:13:04.31
But couples that we've
seen through this process
00:13:04.35\00:13:06.85
will tell you, in fact,
they told us to tell everyone,
00:13:06.88\00:13:09.55
it's worth the work.
00:13:09.58\00:13:11.59
If you do the
work, it's worth it.
00:13:11.62\00:13:13.82
Well, that's
enough on that topic.
00:13:13.86\00:13:15.62
We're gonna take a break.
00:13:15.66\00:13:16.99
We will be back with
more right after this.
00:13:17.03\00:13:19.26