Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000088B
|
00:01 Welcome back.
00:02 We are talking about those pesky in-laws. 00:06 But one of the best things to do 00:08 to get long with your in-laws is to be best son-in-law, 00:11 the best daughter-in-law you can possibly be. 00:13 And I've got to tell you that one of the things 00:15 I love most about you is how you treat my family. 00:19 You've never trashed them to me 00:22 and you had reason too at times. 00:24 Yeah. 00:26 But you've never done. Well, you for mine too. 00:27 Yeah, you've never done it. 00:29 And my parents, my whole family adores you. 00:33 And again, they would be quite certain, 00:35 I'll repeat this that if we had problems, 00:37 it would be my fault. 00:39 They're quite certain of that. 00:40 They would be on your side I'm sure, 00:42 because they just adore you. 00:43 But you know, again that goes both ways, 00:46 but I think a lot of that just comes from 00:49 deciding you're going to love 00:51 as unconditionally as you possibly can. 00:54 And then, I think another important thing 00:57 is how you talk about your in-laws. 00:59 It's important if you are a son or daughter-in-law 01:02 to speak well of your in-laws. 01:06 This is true, it's a gift to your spouse. 01:09 Right. 01:10 Because after all, 01:12 these are your spouse's parents. 01:13 Right. 01:14 These are the people that raised your spouse. 01:18 Why would your spouse want to hear horrible things 01:21 about their own parents. 01:23 So, we have to be careful about that. 01:25 Speak well of them. 01:26 And if you have children, it's really important 01:28 that you speak well of their grandparents. 01:31 Right. 01:32 You are teaching them by the way 01:34 you speak of these people. 01:36 You may not get along personality wise, 01:38 they may not be your favorite personalities, 01:40 you may not be their favorite personality ether. 01:43 But still we can treat each other with love 01:45 and respect and train our children to do the same. 01:49 You know, in Bible times the elderly were revered. 01:52 That's right. 01:53 And still certain parts of the world, 01:55 they are still revered. 01:57 There's not so much the truth in the western world. 01:59 It should be. It should be. 02:01 And I think as we speak well of our in-laws, 02:04 we begin to teach this lesson to our children. 02:06 They see the respect that we show. 02:08 And you know what, they are not stupid. 02:10 As they get older they'll realize it, 02:11 those in-laws may not be 02:13 the easiest people in the world to get along with. 02:15 But you've still treated them with dignity, with respect, 02:18 and they learn something from that. 02:19 And when you don't, even by small things, 02:23 even by any window, they pick up on it. 02:25 They do pick up on it. 02:26 And then they pick up on disrespect. 02:29 It's not worth it. Yeah. 02:31 I think the other is simply to respect 02:32 longstanding family traditions. 02:34 When you marry into a family, 02:35 families very often have longstanding traditions 02:38 and it may not be your cup of tea so to speak. 02:41 But it's still important to respect that. 02:43 It's true, you know, I had a friend who got married 02:47 and the family that she married 02:49 into had one of those traditions. 02:52 Their tradition was that they went camping, 02:55 a huge family, kind of extended family 02:58 camping trip every September. 03:00 There was a certain lake where they went. 03:02 They all pitched their tents 03:03 or brought their campers or whatever. 03:05 Boats and everything of course. 03:06 Yeah, they brought their boats, they had everything planned, 03:09 they knew who was supposed to bring the jet ski 03:11 and who brought this and who brought what. 03:13 And it was a big deal, 03:14 and they had a great a time doing it. 03:16 So when my friend married into this family, 03:20 and her husband which is looking forward to this, 03:22 you gonna love this, 03:24 you gonna love getting together with us 03:26 and doing this camping trip. 03:28 Well, if there was one thing my friend hated. 03:30 Yeah. It was camping. 03:33 She hated camping. 03:35 You know, it's like Hilton would, 03:37 the Hilton hotel was camping for her. 03:39 Yeah, she did not like that at all 03:43 and the very thought of it was just odious to her. 03:46 But she also realized this was her new family. 03:49 Yeah. 03:50 And so, she just determined, 03:52 I'm gonna put a smile on my face, 03:54 I'm going to the lake, I'm gonna sleep in a tent 03:57 and I'm gonna have a good time. 03:59 Because for her, she realized, 04:02 this was an important family tradition 04:03 and she was now a part of this family. 04:06 And I... You know, I had to give her credit. 04:08 She, you know, screw up her courage 04:10 and she went. 04:12 What she found was this was such a great loving family. 04:15 And they really did have great time. 04:17 It became overtime something 04:19 that she looked forward to it too, 04:20 even though she was a miss camper. 04:22 Yeah, she's not miss camper but she not an outdoors girl 04:25 but she still enjoyed that time with them. 04:26 But she honored not only her husband 04:29 but her in-laws by doing that. 04:32 She said, I'm part of this family, 04:34 I'm gonna go, and I'm not gonna go in a grudging way. 04:36 Right. I'm gonna have a good time. 04:38 Now you and I are finding ourselves 04:39 in a different stage of life now. 04:41 We are the in-laws. Yeah. 04:44 We are the mother-in-law, the father-in-law, 04:46 we are those pesky in-laws now, are we not? 04:49 We are. So, how do you that? 04:51 How do you become a good in-law, 04:52 a good mother-in-law, father-in-law? 04:54 We have been the mother and father-in-law 04:57 for about 10 years now. 04:58 Yes. 04:59 And actually I had to say, it has been a joy. 05:02 It has been for me too. It has. 05:04 I just hope that our son-in-law would say the same thing. 05:06 I hope so. 05:08 But I went into with fear really 05:10 because, you know, all this stereotypical 05:13 mother-in-law things, you know. 05:14 And I didn't want to be that person, 05:16 but the stereotypical mother-in-law 05:18 is the one who meddles 05:20 and she delights in the snide remark 05:23 or the thing that just lets her son-in-law know 05:27 that he doesn't quite measure up 05:28 to the one she wishes her daughter would marry. 05:32 All those kind of things and it's really destructive 05:35 and you know, she lays on the guilt 05:38 at all kinds of stuff that she does. 05:40 Interferes in family decisions, meddles, 05:42 you know, and we knew... 05:44 We don't want to be that person. 05:45 No, you don't want to be that person. 05:47 We knew one woman 05:48 who shortly after her daughter got married 05:52 started asking, when you gonna divorce him, 05:55 you know, he is no good. 05:57 And she just kept it up, and kept it up, and kept it up. 06:00 Eventually they did divorce. 06:01 They did. They did. 06:02 And, you know, I think 06:04 that while there were other factors 06:05 that was a contributing factor. 06:06 It was. It was. 06:08 Because it placed in her daughter's mind, 06:11 oh, you don't have to do this, 06:12 you don't have to put up with anything. 06:14 I really don't, you know, 06:15 you'd be okay not to stay in this marriage. 06:18 And you don't want to be the one who does that, 06:21 who destroys the marriage, 06:22 who destroys the possibility of happiness for someone. 06:26 I think that it's important just as we made a commitment 06:29 to each other's family when we got married 06:32 that now that our daughter got married 06:35 that we make a commitment to him, this is our son. 06:39 That's right. He no longer... 06:40 For me he was just another boy 06:42 she dated until the day they said I do. 06:45 And I told him that. 06:48 But when they got married, when they said I do, 06:51 and I was fortunate enough to perform the ceremony. 06:55 From that day forward, he became my son. 06:57 That's right. 06:58 And in your mind you even take of the son-in-law. 07:01 No, he's just, he is my son. 07:03 He is my son. He is my son. 07:04 And now you treat him that way, 07:06 and I think that's the important thing 07:08 for in-laws to remember. 07:09 This is now your new child. 07:11 Yes, and, you know, 07:12 I think parenting has entered a new phase for us as well. 07:15 We are not active parents, we are cheerleaders. 07:20 And we stand on the sideline and give advice if asked, 07:23 but we wait to be asked. 07:25 That's right. 07:26 Instead of offering the advice unsolicited. 07:28 Well, I think that your children, 07:31 you know, in this case our daughter and son-in-law 07:35 will be more likely to ask for advice when needed, 07:39 if we're not always offering it unsolicited, 07:42 then they will be more likely to heed it 07:44 because they will have sorted out. 07:47 If we're always interjecting our thoughts, 07:50 our beliefs, our ideals on them, 07:53 we're not allowing them to be a family on their own. 07:56 But I think the part of that also means 07:59 that we show empathy and we celebrate. 08:02 We celebrate when he celebrates. 08:05 We're hurt when he hurts. 08:08 We show respect for him 08:10 and for his failures as well as his successes, 08:13 that's our job I think. 08:15 But it's also our job to respect their boundaries. 08:18 When before our kids got married, 08:22 I told them, I said, you know, 08:25 Michael Ann comes from a strong family. 08:26 We have family traditions but it is such a strong... 08:29 Michael Ann is our daughter. Michael Ann is our daughter. 08:31 I said it is such a strong family 08:33 that we can envelope you, 08:35 because you gonna live close by us, 08:37 and so we could absorb you 08:40 where you don't have a personal identity. 08:42 So it's going to be important 08:43 for the two of you to establish boundaries 08:46 and tell us what they are, 08:47 and to establish your own traditions. 08:50 Don't just get enveloped in our traditions. 08:54 Now, the door is always open. 08:56 We want as much of your time as we can possibly get. 08:59 And you are always welcome to be 09:01 a part of any tradition we have 09:02 and any family practice we have, 09:04 but you need the independence 09:07 of establishing your own traditions 09:09 and having your own identity as a family. 09:12 You need to be a family unit. 09:13 And they've taken it seriously, they've done it. 09:15 And I respect them for doing that. 09:17 They have. 09:18 Our parents allowed us to do that, 09:20 I think every set or in-law should allow 09:23 the next generation to be their own family, 09:26 to establish their own traditions as you said. 09:30 Now, if you are an in-law, 09:33 you are the father-in-law, mother-in-law. 09:35 I think it's important to ask yourself some questions 09:38 about the relationship, 09:39 and the first question you ask is. 09:42 How would I treat this person, 09:44 speaking of your son or daughter-in-law 09:47 if he was my child? 09:49 You know, and that goes back to what we said. 09:51 You certainly treat them as your child. 09:53 So am I treating them the way that I would treat my own child 09:57 with the same kind of understanding, 09:59 the same kind of compassion, the same kind of interest, 10:04 encouragement, all of those things, 10:06 so how would I treat them? 10:08 And how would I treat them, you know, if they... 10:14 When my own child does something 10:17 I don't really like. 10:18 How do I treat them? Yeah. 10:20 And I need to have that 10:21 same kind of compassion for this in-law. 10:24 If they do something I don't really like. 10:26 I'm not gonna disown them, 10:28 I'm not going to speak ill of them. 10:30 I'm simply gonna, you know, 10:32 try to repair the relationship and move on. 10:34 Remove past without keeping any record of wrongs. 10:37 Again we come back to the point 10:39 that we're not actively parenting 10:41 now as we were when our children 10:43 were all dependents. 10:44 Exactly. 10:46 But we are now encouraging the job of forming character, 10:49 we're done with that. 10:50 I mean, you know, we're now there to encourage them, 10:53 and there're times they're gonna make choices 10:54 that we don't approve of. 10:56 But rather than criticize those choices, 10:58 we're going to encourage them, 11:00 and we're going to love them and accept them 11:02 even when they make a choice 11:03 that maybe you and I would not have made. 11:05 That's right. 11:06 Treat this child as you would want your child to be treated. 11:10 You know, I paraphrased on the golden rule. 11:12 That's right. 11:13 Let's jump right now to what to do 11:16 if indeed a rift has already occurred. 11:19 So let's just say that you've already started off 11:21 and things got off in the wrong foot, 11:24 and all of a sudden now there is a rift between you. 11:27 Well, I think the thing that we tend to do is to say well, 11:30 when they are ready to apologize, 11:33 we'll fix this you know. 11:36 I don't think we can wait. No. 11:38 I think our job is to act as though they already had. 11:42 This is our family. 11:44 You know that... 11:46 We got to a certain stage of life in ministry 11:48 where people who have children 11:50 and grandchildren started coming to us for advice 11:54 as when we are both pastoring. 11:57 And I remember one man, 11:59 recognizes a woman who came to me 12:01 because she had been estranged from her children for years. 12:05 And the children really had done 12:06 some pretty ugly things. 12:07 I mean, they've kind of lost their minds if you ask me. 12:11 And they had trashed her in the process 12:14 and she was hurt by it but even though... 12:16 And these children were married, right? 12:17 They were married now 12:19 and they had children of their own. 12:20 Children that these woman 12:22 had scarcely in a relationship with, 12:25 because this rift was so deep, 12:27 that even though they lived in the same town, 12:29 they just never saw each other. 12:31 And she really had no relationship 12:33 with these grandchildren 12:34 and they were six, seven years of age now. 12:37 And the pain was real. 12:40 And I remember, one day she came to me, she said, 12:42 you know, they're starting to make overtures toward me 12:45 as though they want something. 12:47 But shouldn't I first insist that there be an apology 12:51 so that I can forgive them and we can move on. 12:54 And I said well, you know, 12:56 that's one way of approaching it. 12:57 I said, what's your long term goal? 12:59 What you want five years from now to look like. 13:02 I want a relationship with them. 13:03 I want to know my grandchildren. 13:04 I want to love them. 13:06 I said, then if I were you, I would skip over that stuff. 13:10 And I would just act like they've already apologized 13:13 and forget the past, let it go. 13:16 If they ever apologize to you, great, and if I don't 13:19 and you're able to develop a relationship. 13:21 Isn't that better? Well, she thought I was crazy? 13:24 But you know what, she took my advice. 13:25 And a few months later, she ran into me. 13:28 She looked at me, she said, shook her head, 13:29 she said, I thought you were crazy. 13:31 I thought your advice was the worst advice in the world, 13:33 but the Holy Spirit wouldn't let me rest 13:35 until I did what you told me to do. 13:37 And I did it and I got a relationship with my children 13:40 and my grandchildren, it was the right thing to do. 13:44 I think being the adult, 13:45 being the mature Christian adult 13:47 and just saying. 13:48 I'm gonna treat you as though you've already apologized, 13:51 because I want a relationship with you. 13:53 Well, that's how Jesus treats us. 13:54 I think it is. 13:56 As though we had already apologized. 13:57 That's right. You know, and made it right. 13:59 You know I, we advice you to do the same thing. 14:02 Love always conquers to that. 14:05 So you too could be madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-06-09