Welcome back.
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We are talking
about those pesky in-laws.
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But one of the best things to do
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to get long with your in-laws
is to be best son-in-law,
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the best daughter-in-law
you can possibly be.
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And I've got to tell
you that one of the things
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I love most about you
is how you treat my family.
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You've never trashed them to me
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and you had reason too at times.
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Yeah.
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But you've never done.
Well, you for mine too.
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Yeah, you've never done it.
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And my parents, my
whole family adores you.
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And again, they
would be quite certain,
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I'll repeat this
that if we had problems,
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it would be my fault.
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They're quite certain of that.
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They would be on
your side I'm sure,
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because they just adore you.
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But you know, again
that goes both ways,
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but I think a lot
of that just comes from
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deciding you're going to love
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as unconditionally
as you possibly can.
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And then, I think
another important thing
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is how you talk
about your in-laws.
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It's important if you
are a son or daughter-in-law
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to speak well of your in-laws.
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This is true, it's
a gift to your spouse.
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Right.
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Because after all,
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these are your spouse's parents.
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Right.
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These are the people
that raised your spouse.
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Why would your spouse
want to hear horrible things
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about their own parents.
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So, we have to be
careful about that.
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Speak well of them.
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And if you have
children, it's really important
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that you speak well
of their grandparents.
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Right.
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You are teaching them by the way
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you speak of these people.
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You may not get
along personality wise,
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they may not be your
favorite personalities,
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you may not be their
favorite personality ether.
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But still we can
treat each other with love
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and respect and train
our children to do the same.
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You know, in Bible times
the elderly were revered.
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That's right.
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And still certain
parts of the world,
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they are still revered.
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There's not so much the
truth in the western world.
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It should be. It should be.
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And I think as we
speak well of our in-laws,
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we begin to teach this
lesson to our children.
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They see the
respect that we show.
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And you know what,
they are not stupid.
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As they get older
they'll realize it,
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those in-laws may not be
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the easiest people in
the world to get along with.
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But you've still treated
them with dignity, with respect,
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and they learn
something from that.
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And when you don't,
even by small things,
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even by any
window, they pick up on it.
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They do pick up on it.
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And then they
pick up on disrespect.
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It's not worth it. Yeah.
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I think the other
is simply to respect
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longstanding family traditions.
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When you marry into a family,
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families very often
have longstanding traditions
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and it may not be your
cup of tea so to speak.
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But it's still
important to respect that.
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It's true, you know, I
had a friend who got married
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and the family that she married
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into had one of
those traditions.
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Their tradition was
that they went camping,
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a huge family,
kind of extended family
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camping trip every September.
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There was a certain
lake where they went.
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They all pitched their tents
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or brought their
campers or whatever.
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Boats and everything of course.
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Yeah, they brought their boats,
they had everything planned,
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they knew who was
supposed to bring the jet ski
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and who brought this
and who brought what.
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And it was a big deal,
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and they had a
great a time doing it.
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So when my friend
married into this family,
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and her husband which
is looking forward to this,
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you gonna love this,
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you gonna love
getting together with us
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and doing this camping trip.
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Well, if there was
one thing my friend hated.
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Yeah. It was camping.
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She hated camping.
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You know, it's
like Hilton would,
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the Hilton hotel
was camping for her.
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Yeah, she did
not like that at all
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and the very thought of
it was just odious to her.
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But she also realized
this was her new family.
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Yeah.
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And so, she just determined,
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I'm gonna put a
smile on my face,
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I'm going to the lake,
I'm gonna sleep in a tent
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and I'm gonna have a good time.
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Because for her, she realized,
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this was an
important family tradition
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and she was now a
part of this family.
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And I... You know, I
had to give her credit.
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She, you know,
screw up her courage
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and she went.
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What she found was this
was such a great loving family.
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And they really
did have great time.
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It became overtime something
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that she looked
forward to it too,
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even though she
was a miss camper.
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Yeah, she's not miss camper
but she not an outdoors girl
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but she still
enjoyed that time with them.
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But she honored
not only her husband
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but her in-laws by doing that.
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She said, I'm
part of this family,
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I'm gonna go, and I'm not
gonna go in a grudging way.
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Right. I'm gonna
have a good time.
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Now you and I
are finding ourselves
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in a different
stage of life now.
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We are the in-laws. Yeah.
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We are the mother-in-law,
the father-in-law,
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we are those pesky
in-laws now, are we not?
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We are. So, how do you that?
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How do you become a good in-law,
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a good
mother-in-law, father-in-law?
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We have been the
mother and father-in-law
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for about 10 years now.
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Yes.
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And actually I had to
say, it has been a joy.
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It has been for me too. It has.
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I just hope that our son-in-law
would say the same thing.
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I hope so.
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But I went into with fear really
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because, you know,
all this stereotypical
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mother-in-law things, you know.
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And I didn't want
to be that person,
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but the
stereotypical mother-in-law
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is the one who meddles
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and she delights
in the snide remark
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or the thing that just
lets her son-in-law know
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that he doesn't quite measure up
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to the one she wishes
her daughter would marry.
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All those kind of things
and it's really destructive
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and you know,
she lays on the guilt
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at all kinds of
stuff that she does.
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Interferes in
family decisions, meddles,
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you know, and we knew...
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We don't want to be that person.
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No, you don't
want to be that person.
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We knew one woman
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who shortly after
her daughter got married
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started asking, when
you gonna divorce him,
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you know, he is no good.
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And she just kept it up,
and kept it up, and kept it up.
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Eventually they did divorce.
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They did. They did.
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And, you know, I think
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that while there
were other factors
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that was a contributing factor.
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It was. It was.
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Because it placed
in her daughter's mind,
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oh, you don't have to do this,
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you don't have to
put up with anything.
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I really don't, you know,
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you'd be okay not to
stay in this marriage.
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And you don't want to
be the one who does that,
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who destroys the marriage,
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who destroys the possibility
of happiness for someone.
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I think that it's important
just as we made a commitment
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to each other's
family when we got married
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that now that our
daughter got married
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that we make a commitment
to him, this is our son.
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That's right. He no longer...
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For me he was just another boy
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she dated until
the day they said I do.
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And I told him that.
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But when they got
married, when they said I do,
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and I was fortunate
enough to perform the ceremony.
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From that day
forward, he became my son.
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That's right.
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And in your mind you
even take of the son-in-law.
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No, he's just, he is my son.
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He is my son. He is my son.
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And now you treat him that way,
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and I think that's
the important thing
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for in-laws to remember.
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This is now your new child.
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Yes, and, you know,
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I think parenting has entered
a new phase for us as well.
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We are not active
parents, we are cheerleaders.
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And we stand on the sideline
and give advice if asked,
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but we wait to be asked.
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That's right.
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Instead of offering
the advice unsolicited.
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Well, I think
that your children,
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you know, in this case
our daughter and son-in-law
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will be more likely to
ask for advice when needed,
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if we're not always
offering it unsolicited,
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then they will be
more likely to heed it
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because they
will have sorted out.
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If we're always
interjecting our thoughts,
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our beliefs, our ideals on them,
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we're not allowing them
to be a family on their own.
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But I think the
part of that also means
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that we show
empathy and we celebrate.
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We celebrate when he celebrates.
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We're hurt when he hurts.
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We show respect for him
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and for his failures
as well as his successes,
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that's our job I think.
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But it's also our job to
respect their boundaries.
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When before our
kids got married,
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I told them, I said, you know,
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Michael Ann comes
from a strong family.
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We have family traditions
but it is such a strong...
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Michael Ann is our daughter.
Michael Ann is our daughter.
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I said it is
such a strong family
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that we can envelope you,
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because you
gonna live close by us,
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and so we could absorb you
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where you don't
have a personal identity.
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So it's going to be important
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for the two of you
to establish boundaries
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and tell us what they are,
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and to establish
your own traditions.
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Don't just get
enveloped in our traditions.
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Now, the door is always open.
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We want as much of your
time as we can possibly get.
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And you are always welcome to be
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a part of any tradition we have
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and any family practice we have,
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but you need the independence
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of establishing
your own traditions
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and having your own
identity as a family.
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You need to be a family unit.
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And they've taken it
seriously, they've done it.
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And I respect
them for doing that.
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They have.
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Our parents
allowed us to do that,
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I think every set
or in-law should allow
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the next generation
to be their own family,
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to establish their own
traditions as you said.
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Now, if you are an in-law,
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you are the
father-in-law, mother-in-law.
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I think it's important to
ask yourself some questions
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about the relationship,
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and the first
question you ask is.
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How would I treat this person,
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speaking of your
son or daughter-in-law
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if he was my child?
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You know, and that
goes back to what we said.
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You certainly
treat them as your child.
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So am I treating them the way
that I would treat my own child
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with the same
kind of understanding,
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the same kind of compassion,
the same kind of interest,
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encouragement,
all of those things,
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so how would I treat them?
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And how would I treat
them, you know, if they...
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When my own child does something
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I don't really like.
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How do I treat them? Yeah.
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And I need to have that
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same kind of
compassion for this in-law.
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If they do
something I don't really like.
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I'm not gonna disown them,
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I'm not going to
speak ill of them.
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I'm simply gonna, you know,
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try to repair the
relationship and move on.
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Remove past without
keeping any record of wrongs.
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Again we come back to the point
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that we're not
actively parenting
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now as we were when our children
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were all dependents.
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Exactly.
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But we are now encouraging
the job of forming character,
00:10:46.07\00:10:49.58
we're done with that.
00:10:49.61\00:10:50.95
I mean, you know, we're
now there to encourage them,
00:10:50.98\00:10:53.11
and there're times
they're gonna make choices
00:10:53.15\00:10:54.62
that we don't approve of.
00:10:54.65\00:10:56.05
But rather than
criticize those choices,
00:10:56.08\00:10:58.45
we're going to encourage them,
00:10:58.49\00:11:00.36
and we're going to
love them and accept them
00:11:00.39\00:11:02.02
even when they make a choice
00:11:02.06\00:11:03.39
that maybe you and
I would not have made.
00:11:03.43\00:11:05.13
That's right.
00:11:05.16\00:11:06.63
Treat this child as you would
want your child to be treated.
00:11:06.66\00:11:10.10
You know, I
paraphrased on the golden rule.
00:11:10.13\00:11:12.27
That's right.
00:11:12.30\00:11:13.70
Let's jump right
now to what to do
00:11:13.74\00:11:16.04
if indeed a rift
has already occurred.
00:11:16.07\00:11:19.17
So let's just say that
you've already started off
00:11:19.21\00:11:21.61
and things got
off in the wrong foot,
00:11:21.64\00:11:24.05
and all of a sudden now
there is a rift between you.
00:11:24.08\00:11:27.02
Well, I think the thing that
we tend to do is to say well,
00:11:27.05\00:11:30.82
when they are
ready to apologize,
00:11:30.85\00:11:33.76
we'll fix this you know.
00:11:33.79\00:11:36.19
I don't think we can wait. No.
00:11:36.22\00:11:38.43
I think our job is to act
as though they already had.
00:11:38.46\00:11:42.46
This is our family.
00:11:42.50\00:11:44.17
You know that...
00:11:44.20\00:11:46.07
We got to a certain
stage of life in ministry
00:11:46.10\00:11:48.17
where people who have children
00:11:48.20\00:11:50.71
and grandchildren
started coming to us for advice
00:11:50.74\00:11:54.31
as when we are both pastoring.
00:11:54.34\00:11:57.88
And I remember one man,
00:11:57.91\00:11:59.41
recognizes a
woman who came to me
00:11:59.45\00:12:01.45
because she had been estranged
from her children for years.
00:12:01.48\00:12:05.09
And the children really had done
00:12:05.12\00:12:06.45
some pretty ugly things.
00:12:06.49\00:12:07.82
I mean, they've kind of
lost their minds if you ask me.
00:12:07.86\00:12:11.09
And they had
trashed her in the process
00:12:11.13\00:12:14.10
and she was hurt by
it but even though...
00:12:14.13\00:12:16.30
And these children
were married, right?
00:12:16.33\00:12:17.67
They were married now
00:12:17.70\00:12:19.03
and they had
children of their own.
00:12:19.07\00:12:20.67
Children that these woman
00:12:20.70\00:12:22.30
had scarcely in a
relationship with,
00:12:22.34\00:12:25.27
because this rift was so deep,
00:12:25.31\00:12:27.94
that even though they
lived in the same town,
00:12:27.98\00:12:29.94
they just never saw each other.
00:12:29.98\00:12:31.68
And she really
had no relationship
00:12:31.71\00:12:33.31
with these grandchildren
00:12:33.35\00:12:34.68
and they were six,
seven years of age now.
00:12:34.72\00:12:37.32
And the pain was real.
00:12:37.35\00:12:40.49
And I remember, one day
she came to me, she said,
00:12:40.52\00:12:42.52
you know, they're starting
to make overtures toward me
00:12:42.56\00:12:45.33
as though they want something.
00:12:45.36\00:12:47.30
But shouldn't I first
insist that there be an apology
00:12:47.33\00:12:51.57
so that I can forgive
them and we can move on.
00:12:51.60\00:12:54.77
And I said well, you know,
00:12:54.80\00:12:56.14
that's one way
of approaching it.
00:12:56.17\00:12:57.84
I said, what's
your long term goal?
00:12:57.87\00:12:59.44
What you want five
years from now to look like.
00:12:59.47\00:13:02.04
I want a relationship with them.
00:13:02.08\00:13:03.41
I want to know my grandchildren.
00:13:03.45\00:13:04.81
I want to love them.
00:13:04.85\00:13:06.31
I said, then if I were you,
I would skip over that stuff.
00:13:06.35\00:13:10.75
And I would just act like
they've already apologized
00:13:10.79\00:13:13.52
and forget the past, let it go.
00:13:13.56\00:13:16.66
If they ever apologize to
you, great, and if I don't
00:13:16.69\00:13:19.23
and you're able to
develop a relationship.
00:13:19.26\00:13:21.10
Isn't that better?
Well, she thought I was crazy?
00:13:21.13\00:13:24.00
But you know what,
she took my advice.
00:13:24.03\00:13:25.90
And a few months
later, she ran into me.
00:13:25.93\00:13:28.00
She looked at me,
she said, shook her head,
00:13:28.04\00:13:29.60
she said, I
thought you were crazy.
00:13:29.64\00:13:31.54
I thought your advice was
the worst advice in the world,
00:13:31.57\00:13:33.88
but the Holy Spirit
wouldn't let me rest
00:13:33.91\00:13:35.24
until I did what
you told me to do.
00:13:35.28\00:13:37.55
And I did it and I got a
relationship with my children
00:13:37.58\00:13:40.42
and my grandchildren, it
was the right thing to do.
00:13:40.45\00:13:43.99
I think being the adult,
00:13:44.02\00:13:45.82
being the mature Christian adult
00:13:45.85\00:13:47.19
and just saying.
00:13:47.22\00:13:48.56
I'm gonna treat you as though
you've already apologized,
00:13:48.59\00:13:51.26
because I want a
relationship with you.
00:13:51.29\00:13:53.23
Well, that's
how Jesus treats us.
00:13:53.26\00:13:54.60
I think it is.
00:13:54.63\00:13:55.96
As though we had
already apologized.
00:13:56.00\00:13:57.33
That's right. You
know, and made it right.
00:13:57.37\00:13:59.90
You know I, we advice
you to do the same thing.
00:13:59.93\00:14:02.94
Love always conquers to that.
00:14:02.97\00:14:05.41
So you too could be
madly in love forever.
00:14:05.44\00:14:08.11