Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000088A
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00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hand.
00:21 I'm Mike Tucker, this is Gayle Tucker, 00:23 we're with Faith for Today television, 00:25 host of Lifestyle Magazine and Mad About Marriage. 00:28 And we've been talking 00:30 the last several programs about marriage. 00:33 And, you know, when you get married, 00:35 the feeling is it's kind of you and me 00:37 against the world right, love conquers all. 00:39 That's sweet, isn't it? That's, right. 00:40 It's just gonna be you and me, 00:42 and everything else will just be peripheral, 00:43 it won't matter. 00:45 That's right. That's right. 00:46 False. 00:48 You know what's false about that 00:50 is that when you get married, 00:51 you don't just marry that person, 00:53 you marry the entire clan, the entire family. 00:56 I didn't just marry this girl named Gayle, 00:58 I married the entire Whitaker clan, 01:00 didn't I? 01:01 That is exactly right, 01:02 and so we're gonna talk about in-laws 01:04 In-laws, but of course, 01:05 you married the entire Tucker clan too. 01:07 Yes, I did. 01:08 Yeah, and that's a challenge. 01:10 You know, there is just a lot more 01:11 than you ever anticipated on both sides there. 01:14 On both sides. 01:15 And I think that's true for most people, 01:17 they figure out well, 01:18 I didn't know that 01:20 I was marrying and so and so, you know. 01:23 And then just the mother-in-law and father-in-law. 01:26 But of course, all the mother-in-law jokes. 01:27 I mean, how many mother-in-law jokes do you know? 01:29 How many of you heard it. 01:30 Oh, they're endless, aren't they? 01:31 Yeah, they are. 01:33 That always somebody has a comment 01:34 to make about their mother-in-law. 01:35 But they come from somewhere, don't they? 01:37 They do. 01:38 I mean, someplace, 01:40 there's a reason for those jokes. 01:41 There is a reason for this. 01:42 Most, not most, 01:44 but many people have a hard time 01:46 getting along with their in-laws. 01:47 Now fortunately, I have that worked out 01:51 because I have the best mother-in-law in the world. 01:53 She adores you too by the way. 01:55 And your mom, she is something else. 01:57 She is really such a precious person 01:59 and she... 02:01 She had it figured out 02:02 because before we got married, when we were engaged, 02:06 she called me one day, 02:07 she said, "I want you to come over, 02:09 I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes." 02:12 And so, I came over sat down, 02:15 and we sat down together on the sofa 02:17 and their family were, 02:19 I still remember we were facing each other, 02:21 and she pulled out a little thing. 02:24 It was a saucer 02:25 that had a cup on it and on that cup 02:29 there were names written. 02:31 And they were the names of all of the people 02:34 in your second grade class or maybe it was first grade. 02:37 And they were written on this cup 02:39 and someone had painstakingly written those names on 02:42 and your name was there, 02:44 and then they had fired this, 02:46 and you had given it to your mom, 02:48 I think as a Mother's Day gift or something. 02:50 She had kept that all through the years 02:53 and she said, 02:54 "Now, you're going to be part of our family, 02:56 you are going to be our family, 02:58 and I want you to have this to let you know 03:00 how much I care about you, and you are my new daughter." 03:04 That meant so much to me. I have never forgotten that. 03:07 We've been close all through the years, 03:09 so she had something figured out there. 03:11 She did and she adores you. 03:12 You know that if you and I ever had problems 03:14 and she found out about it, she would blame me. 03:17 Or should be right, I don't know. 03:20 Thanks a lot, dear. 03:21 Well, I want you to know that I'm very fortunate too 03:24 because I have great in-laws. 03:26 Your father, 03:28 before he passed away was such an inspiration to me, 03:31 such a godly man and I loved him dearly. 03:33 And your mother is a sweetheart. 03:35 She is precious so, I've been very, very fortunate. 03:39 And the truth is that they have not meddled. 03:41 You know, some in-laws just meddle. 03:44 And your parents have always been there to support, 03:47 but not to interfere. 03:49 So I think we're very fortunate in this respect. 03:51 I think we are 03:52 and not everybody experiences that. 03:53 No, they don't. 03:55 And even, you know, 03:56 as good a relationship as we've had, 03:57 there had been moments, 03:59 you know, when either, you know, 04:01 you or I have thought, 04:03 "Man, I'm not so sure about this family 04:04 getting along with these in-laws." 04:06 Oh, yeah. 04:07 So we want to talk today about some ideas 04:10 for getting along with in-laws 04:11 and realizing that they are a part of your family 04:14 and they will be a part of your family from now on. 04:16 You can't ignore them. 04:17 You can't hope that they'll go away. 04:19 They are there. 04:20 And so you have to deal with them. 04:21 And I think the first way to do 04:23 that is by getting to know them. 04:24 I think it is. 04:26 Sometimes we think it's their job 04:27 to just accommodate us 04:29 and get to know us after all, you know, 04:31 we're the married couple. 04:33 But I think 04:34 as a daughter-in-law or son-in-law, 04:36 one of the best things a person can do is 04:38 begin to get to know their in-laws. 04:40 Right. 04:42 Sit down with them, listen to their stories, 04:44 understand their background, know them as a person. 04:47 Begin to understand why they are the way they are 04:50 whether it's good or bad. 04:52 And then accept that fact. 04:54 This is who this person is. 04:55 Listen more than you talk and just get to know them for, 05:00 for who they are, understand them as a person. 05:03 And if you do that, you'll find wisdom there. 05:06 You're going to find a wealth of stories 05:09 and understanding of the world 05:11 that is different than your own, 05:13 because it's an understanding that is forged by experience. 05:17 And it may, it doesn't mean 05:18 that it's a perfect understanding of the world. 05:20 And it doesn't mean the wisdom is always perfect, 05:23 but it's going to be something that you will benefit from 05:25 if you will allow yourself to do so. 05:28 So I think you're right. 05:29 Listen and then honor their love 05:31 before your spouse. 05:33 I think that's step number two. 05:35 They have a relationship with your spouse, 05:37 because they're the ones that raise them. 05:40 They raised your spouse. 05:42 So you know, you've got to honor 05:45 the unique relationship that they have. 05:49 Good, bad or indifferent, 05:50 you have to honor that relationship 05:51 and particularly if they truly love your spouse. 05:56 You've got to love them for that. 05:59 And not be threatened by the fact 06:01 that the love exist and that that's a relationship 06:04 that they've had for many years. 06:06 There is history there. 06:08 They have the relationship they have 06:09 because of all the experiences that they've had together. 06:13 So you need to not be threatened by the fact 06:15 that they love your spouse, 06:17 but honor that love that they have for your spouse. 06:21 Sometimes I think people find it threatening. 06:23 Well, I did quite frankly. 06:25 You were so close to your daddy. 06:27 And there was such a close relationship there, 06:29 I thought how will I ever measure up to this. 06:31 I felt like, you know, she is so close to him. 06:33 But through the years I discovered something. 06:36 I discovered that that relationship of intimacy 06:38 between you and your father 06:40 is what made it so easy for you to relate to me 06:43 as your husband. 06:45 Women learn to relate to men from their fathers. 06:49 And if they've had a close relationship 06:50 with their daddy, they find it easy to bond 06:53 with a man and marriage. 06:54 If they were estranged from their father, distant, 06:56 if it was an abusive relationship, 06:58 they will forever struggle 07:00 with their relationships with men. 07:02 But you have not struggled, 07:03 and your daddy is the one that I have to thank for that. 07:06 So I stopped being intimidated, 07:08 and I started being thankful for that. 07:11 And you know I think to realize that, 07:13 I had a great relationship with him, 07:15 but that does not preclude me having a relationship with you. 07:17 No. 07:19 It paved the way for it. 07:20 Yeah, you came to understand that 07:22 and I think that was... 07:23 It took, it took some growing 07:24 on my part to figure that out, you know. 07:26 At first, what is this 07:27 but that leads us to the next step 07:28 and that is don't isolate yourselves from the in-laws. 07:32 Now there may be... 07:34 times when that is necessary 07:35 if indeed there is an unhealthy relationship, 07:37 it's abusive relationship, 07:39 that's not what we're talking about here. 07:40 No. 07:41 They may be irritating to you, 07:43 but still you don't isolate yourself or your spouse 07:46 from your in-laws. 07:48 Include them as best you can 07:50 in the activities of your family, 07:51 include them in the life of your family because they... 07:55 this is important to them. 07:57 I think this is especially true, 07:59 and especially important for young married couples 08:02 to understand. 08:03 You know, that the parents 08:05 may feel somewhat threatened by the fact 08:08 that their child is getting married. 08:10 There is a fear there 08:11 that maybe there won't be a close relationship anymore, 08:14 maybe they will be excluded. 08:16 So you can put them at ease basically by letting them know 08:19 that you're not trying to separate yourself from them. 08:22 You want to be a part of the family. 08:25 You know these are joint families, 08:26 we talked in another session about blended families. 08:29 Yes. 08:30 And in a sense, you're blending families 08:33 just simply by getting married. 08:35 You're not, you don't already have children 08:37 that you're blending, 08:38 but you are blending two families 08:40 with different backgrounds. 08:42 And the parents need to know 08:43 that they're not suddenly gonna be excluded, 08:46 they're not gonna be not a part of their child's life anymore. 08:49 They're still a part of things, 08:51 and they are to be included in things. 08:53 It doesn't mean that you include them 08:55 in everything or every detail. 08:57 In fact, I think it's important for newly married couples 09:00 to establish your own traditions. 09:02 Yes. 09:03 To establish your personal identity 09:05 as a family apart from the families of origin. 09:10 And so, even though there's an honoring of your in-laws, 09:13 and there's an honoring of what those traditions might be 09:16 and there's a refusal to exclude them. 09:20 But there's still the need for a separate identity. 09:23 This is who we are, this is what we do. 09:26 It complements what we've had before. 09:29 It stands apart from it, 09:31 but yet this gives us a corporate identity. 09:34 It does. 09:35 I think it's important that every family be a family, 09:39 you know. 09:40 And when you get married, you are a new family. 09:43 That's okay. 09:44 But the in-laws are a part of that, 09:46 and you can't exclude them. 09:48 That means that basically, there will be some boundaries, 09:50 you know... 09:52 Boundaries are okay. 09:53 Boundaries are, they're part of every healthy relationship. 09:55 Every healthy marriage, 09:57 every healthy relationship has boundaries. 09:59 They may not be spoken. 10:01 They may be understood, but boundaries must be there. 10:04 Now, if you focus so much on the boundaries, you know, 10:07 you can miss the joy of the relationship, 10:10 but understand that it's okay to have a boundary. 10:13 So, you know, this is what we do together 10:15 as a couple. 10:16 An example of that would be like Christmas celebrations. 10:20 Sometimes it's important to establish 10:22 a separate Christmas celebration 10:26 for just the young couple 10:28 and then the broader celebration 10:30 may be with extended family. 10:33 That's one example of this. 10:34 There may be other examples that you can find 10:37 through worship services, all sorts of other things 10:40 that you do together, and then you do something additional 10:43 for the broader family. 10:44 But you have to establish that personal separate identity 10:48 in order to have a healthy family nucleus of your own. 10:52 That's right. 10:53 I think another step is to treat your spouse 10:56 with love and respect. 10:58 Now, that's an interesting thing to say 10:59 in terms of how do you relate to your in-laws. 11:02 But one of the greatest gift you can give your in-laws 11:05 is for them to see 11:07 that you are truly loving their child. 11:10 You know there is a little bit of a fear and trepidation 11:13 when a child gets married, are they really gonna be loved. 11:18 And I think also in situations where maybe, 11:21 there's not the greatest relationship 11:23 between you and your mother-in-law 11:24 or you and your father-in-law. 11:27 One of the things you can do is to simply show them, 11:31 you know, less by words more by actions 11:33 that you truly love their child. 11:35 Right. 11:36 And as they see that, if they love that child, 11:39 then they're gonna respond to that. 11:40 They will respond to it. 11:42 I think that's one of the things 11:43 that won your daddy over to me. 11:45 Yeah, it's true. 11:46 More than anything else, 11:48 he watched the two of us as we interacted, 11:51 and then it was fairly early on when he... 11:54 you know, he would talk about his impending death 11:56 fairly early on in my relationship with him. 11:59 He lived till he was almost 93, you know but back in this... 12:02 when he was in his 70s and 80s he would talk to me about this, 12:06 he said, "I want you to do my funeral." 12:08 And then he would, "Here's what I want you to say." 12:10 And he'd start to talk and then he get clouded up with tears, 12:13 and he said, "You'll know what to do." 12:16 And we had that conversation I bet 20 times. 12:18 Yeah. 12:20 But that conversation started when he saw that you and I 12:23 really were an item, 12:24 that we treated each other with dignity and with respect, 12:28 and then he had confidence in me 12:30 that I was, I would be okay. 12:32 That's right. That you'd be okay mainly. 12:33 So it was meaningful to him to know 12:35 that you really loved me, and you were taking care of me. 12:37 Right. 12:38 So if you have trouble with your in-laws, 12:40 one thing you can do is just simply love your spouse 12:43 in a way that they see. 12:44 Yeah. 12:45 And I guess that we need to take a break soon, 12:48 but I think the other thing 12:49 is just be son-in-law or daughter-in-law. 12:54 You know how to be. 12:55 Do the best you can to treat these in-laws with respect, 13:00 with love, demonstrate that to them 13:03 with words, with actions. 13:04 Yeah. Be the best you can be. 13:06 That's basically saying that the golden rule once again. 13:08 Yes. 13:09 You know doing to others, 13:11 if you love the way Christ loved. 13:13 That's the ultimate gift to anyone that you could give 13:17 and to your in-laws certainly. 13:19 That's a good thought to stop with. 13:21 we're gonna take a break, we'll be right back after this. |
Revised 2016-06-09