Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hand.
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I'm Mike Tucker,
this is Gayle Tucker,
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we're with Faith
for Today television,
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host of Lifestyle
Magazine and Mad About Marriage.
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And we've been talking
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the last several
programs about marriage.
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And, you know,
when you get married,
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the feeling is
it's kind of you and me
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against the world
right, love conquers all.
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That's sweet,
isn't it? That's, right.
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It's just gonna be you and me,
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and everything else
will just be peripheral,
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it won't matter.
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That's right. That's right.
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False.
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You know what's false about that
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is that when you get married,
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you don't just
marry that person,
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you marry the entire
clan, the entire family.
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I didn't just marry
this girl named Gayle,
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I married the
entire Whitaker clan,
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didn't I?
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That is exactly right,
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and so we're
gonna talk about in-laws
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In-laws, but of course,
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you married the
entire Tucker clan too.
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Yes, I did.
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Yeah, and that's a challenge.
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You know, there
is just a lot more
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than you ever
anticipated on both sides there.
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On both sides.
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And I think that's
true for most people,
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they figure out well,
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I didn't know that
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I was marrying and
so and so, you know.
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And then just the
mother-in-law and father-in-law.
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But of course, all
the mother-in-law jokes.
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I mean, how many
mother-in-law jokes do you know?
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How many of you heard it.
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Oh, they're
endless, aren't they?
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Yeah, they are.
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That always
somebody has a comment
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to make about
their mother-in-law.
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But they come from
somewhere, don't they?
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They do.
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I mean, someplace,
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there's a
reason for those jokes.
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There is a reason for this.
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Most, not most,
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but many people have a hard time
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getting along
with their in-laws.
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Now fortunately, I
have that worked out
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because I have the best
mother-in-law in the world.
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She adores you too by the way.
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And your mom, she
is something else.
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She is really
such a precious person
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and she...
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She had it figured out
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because before we got
married, when we were engaged,
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she called me one day,
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she said, "I
want you to come over,
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I'd like to talk to
you for a few minutes."
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And so, I came over sat down,
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and we sat down
together on the sofa
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and their family were,
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I still remember we
were facing each other,
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and she pulled
out a little thing.
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It was a saucer
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that had a cup on
it and on that cup
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there were names written.
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And they were the
names of all of the people
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in your second grade class
or maybe it was first grade.
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And they were
written on this cup
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and someone had painstakingly
written those names on
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and your name was there,
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and then they had fired this,
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and you had
given it to your mom,
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I think as a Mother's
Day gift or something.
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She had kept that
all through the years
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and she said,
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"Now, you're going to
be part of our family,
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you are going to be our family,
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and I want you to
have this to let you know
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how much I care about you,
and you are my new daughter."
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That meant so much to me.
I have never forgotten that.
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We've been close
all through the years,
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so she had
something figured out there.
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She did and she adores you.
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You know that if you
and I ever had problems
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and she found out
about it, she would blame me.
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Or should be
right, I don't know.
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Thanks a lot, dear.
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Well, I want you to know
that I'm very fortunate too
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because I have great in-laws.
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Your father,
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before he passed away was
such an inspiration to me,
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such a godly man
and I loved him dearly.
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And your mother is a sweetheart.
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She is precious so, I've
been very, very fortunate.
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And the truth is that
they have not meddled.
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You know, some
in-laws just meddle.
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And your parents have
always been there to support,
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but not to interfere.
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So I think we're very
fortunate in this respect.
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I think we are
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and not
everybody experiences that.
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No, they don't.
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And even, you know,
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as good a
relationship as we've had,
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there had been moments,
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you know, when either, you know,
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you or I have thought,
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"Man, I'm not so
sure about this family
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getting along
with these in-laws."
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Oh, yeah.
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So we want to talk
today about some ideas
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for getting along with in-laws
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and realizing that they
are a part of your family
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and they will be a part
of your family from now on.
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You can't ignore them.
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You can't hope
that they'll go away.
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They are there.
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And so you have
to deal with them.
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And I think the first way to do
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that is by getting to know them.
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I think it is.
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Sometimes we
think it's their job
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to just accommodate us
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and get to know us
after all, you know,
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we're the married couple.
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But I think
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as a
daughter-in-law or son-in-law,
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one of the best
things a person can do is
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begin to get to
know their in-laws.
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Right.
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Sit down with them,
listen to their stories,
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understand their background,
know them as a person.
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Begin to understand why
they are the way they are
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whether it's good or bad.
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And then accept that fact.
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This is who this person is.
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Listen more than you talk
and just get to know them for,
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for who they are,
understand them as a person.
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And if you do that,
you'll find wisdom there.
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You're going to
find a wealth of stories
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and understanding of the world
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that is different than your own,
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because it's an understanding
that is forged by experience.
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And it may, it doesn't mean
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that it's a perfect
understanding of the world.
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And it doesn't mean the
wisdom is always perfect,
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but it's going to be something
that you will benefit from
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if you will allow
yourself to do so.
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So I think you're right.
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Listen and then honor their love
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before your spouse.
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I think that's step number two.
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They have a
relationship with your spouse,
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because they're the
ones that raise them.
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They raised your spouse.
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So you know, you've got to honor
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the unique
relationship that they have.
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Good, bad or indifferent,
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you have to
honor that relationship
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and particularly if
they truly love your spouse.
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You've got to
love them for that.
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And not be
threatened by the fact
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that the love exist and
that that's a relationship
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that they've had for many years.
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There is history there.
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They have the
relationship they have
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because of all the experiences
that they've had together.
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So you need to not be
threatened by the fact
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that they love your spouse,
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but honor that love that
they have for your spouse.
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Sometimes I think
people find it threatening.
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Well, I did quite frankly.
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You were so close to your daddy.
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And there was such a
close relationship there,
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I thought how will I
ever measure up to this.
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I felt like, you know,
she is so close to him.
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But through the years
I discovered something.
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I discovered that that
relationship of intimacy
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between you and your father
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is what made it so
easy for you to relate to me
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as your husband.
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Women learn to relate
to men from their fathers.
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And if they've had
a close relationship
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with their daddy,
they find it easy to bond
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with a man and marriage.
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If they were estranged
from their father, distant,
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if it was an
abusive relationship,
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they will forever struggle
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with their
relationships with men.
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But you have not struggled,
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and your daddy is the one
that I have to thank for that.
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So I stopped being intimidated,
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and I started
being thankful for that.
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And you know I
think to realize that,
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I had a great
relationship with him,
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but that does not preclude me
having a relationship with you.
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No.
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It paved the way for it.
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Yeah, you came
to understand that
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and I think that was...
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It took, it took some growing
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on my part to
figure that out, you know.
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At first, what is this
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but that leads
us to the next step
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and that is don't isolate
yourselves from the in-laws.
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Now there may be...
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times when that is necessary
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if indeed there is an
unhealthy relationship,
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it's abusive relationship,
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that's not what
we're talking about here.
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No.
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They may be irritating to you,
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but still you don't
isolate yourself or your spouse
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from your in-laws.
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Include them as best you can
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in the
activities of your family,
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include them in the life
of your family because they...
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this is important to them.
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I think this is especially true,
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and especially important
for young married couples
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to understand.
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You know, that the parents
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may feel somewhat
threatened by the fact
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that their child
is getting married.
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There is a fear there
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that maybe there won't be
a close relationship anymore,
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maybe they will be excluded.
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So you can put them at ease
basically by letting them know
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that you're not trying to
separate yourself from them.
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You want to be a
part of the family.
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You know these
are joint families,
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we talked in another
session about blended families.
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Yes.
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And in a sense,
you're blending families
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just simply by getting married.
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You're not, you
don't already have children
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that you're blending,
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but you are
blending two families
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with different backgrounds.
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And the parents need to know
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that they're not
suddenly gonna be excluded,
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they're not gonna be not a part
of their child's life anymore.
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They're still a part of things,
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and they are to be
included in things.
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It doesn't mean
that you include them
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in everything or every detail.
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In fact, I think it's important
for newly married couples
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to establish
your own traditions.
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Yes.
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To establish
your personal identity
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as a family apart from
the families of origin.
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And so, even though there's
an honoring of your in-laws,
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and there's an honoring of
what those traditions might be
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and there's a
refusal to exclude them.
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But there's still the
need for a separate identity.
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This is who we
are, this is what we do.
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It complements
what we've had before.
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It stands apart from it,
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but yet this gives
us a corporate identity.
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It does.
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I think it's important
that every family be a family,
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you know.
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And when you get
married, you are a new family.
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That's okay.
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But the in-laws
are a part of that,
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and you can't exclude them.
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That means that basically,
there will be some boundaries,
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you know...
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Boundaries are okay.
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Boundaries are, they're part
of every healthy relationship.
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Every healthy marriage,
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every healthy
relationship has boundaries.
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They may not be spoken.
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They may be understood,
but boundaries must be there.
00:10:01.60\00:10:04.83
Now, if you focus so much
on the boundaries, you know,
00:10:04.87\00:10:07.67
you can miss the
joy of the relationship,
00:10:07.70\00:10:10.84
but understand that
it's okay to have a boundary.
00:10:10.87\00:10:13.48
So, you know, this
is what we do together
00:10:13.51\00:10:15.24
as a couple.
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An example of that would be
like Christmas celebrations.
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Sometimes it's
important to establish
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a separate Christmas celebration
00:10:22.92\00:10:26.65
for just the young couple
00:10:26.69\00:10:28.42
and then the broader celebration
00:10:28.46\00:10:30.63
may be with extended family.
00:10:30.66\00:10:33.50
That's one example of this.
00:10:33.53\00:10:34.86
There may be other
examples that you can find
00:10:34.90\00:10:37.17
through worship services,
all sorts of other things
00:10:37.20\00:10:40.00
that you do together, and
then you do something additional
00:10:40.04\00:10:43.04
for the broader family.
00:10:43.07\00:10:44.41
But you have to establish
that personal separate identity
00:10:44.44\00:10:48.84
in order to have a healthy
family nucleus of your own.
00:10:48.88\00:10:52.01
That's right.
00:10:52.05\00:10:53.38
I think another step
is to treat your spouse
00:10:53.42\00:10:56.35
with love and respect.
00:10:56.38\00:10:58.15
Now, that's an
interesting thing to say
00:10:58.19\00:10:59.72
in terms of how do you
relate to your in-laws.
00:10:59.75\00:11:02.22
But one of the greatest
gift you can give your in-laws
00:11:02.26\00:11:05.73
is for them to see
00:11:05.76\00:11:07.10
that you are truly
loving their child.
00:11:07.13\00:11:10.37
You know there is a little
bit of a fear and trepidation
00:11:10.40\00:11:13.54
when a child gets married,
are they really gonna be loved.
00:11:13.57\00:11:18.34
And I think also in
situations where maybe,
00:11:18.37\00:11:21.41
there's not the
greatest relationship
00:11:21.44\00:11:23.11
between you and
your mother-in-law
00:11:23.14\00:11:24.91
or you and your father-in-law.
00:11:24.95\00:11:26.98
One of the things you can
do is to simply show them,
00:11:27.02\00:11:31.15
you know, less by
words more by actions
00:11:31.19\00:11:33.72
that you truly love their child.
00:11:33.76\00:11:35.42
Right.
00:11:35.46\00:11:36.79
And as they see that,
if they love that child,
00:11:36.83\00:11:39.29
then they're
gonna respond to that.
00:11:39.33\00:11:40.66
They will respond to it.
00:11:40.70\00:11:42.03
I think that's one of the things
00:11:42.06\00:11:43.40
that won your daddy over to me.
00:11:43.43\00:11:45.27
Yeah, it's true.
00:11:45.30\00:11:46.63
More than anything else,
00:11:46.67\00:11:48.00
he watched the two
of us as we interacted,
00:11:48.04\00:11:51.07
and then it was
fairly early on when he...
00:11:51.11\00:11:53.98
you know, he would talk
about his impending death
00:11:54.01\00:11:56.78
fairly early on in my
relationship with him.
00:11:56.81\00:11:59.31
He lived till he was almost
93, you know but back in this...
00:11:59.35\00:12:02.68
when he was in his 70s and 80s
he would talk to me about this,
00:12:02.72\00:12:06.09
he said, "I want
you to do my funeral."
00:12:06.12\00:12:08.06
And then he would,
"Here's what I want you to say."
00:12:08.09\00:12:10.83
And he'd start to talk and then
he get clouded up with tears,
00:12:10.86\00:12:13.70
and he said,
"You'll know what to do."
00:12:13.73\00:12:16.10
And we had that
conversation I bet 20 times.
00:12:16.13\00:12:18.73
Yeah.
00:12:18.77\00:12:20.10
But that conversation started
when he saw that you and I
00:12:20.14\00:12:23.00
really were an item,
00:12:23.04\00:12:24.41
that we treated each other
with dignity and with respect,
00:12:24.44\00:12:28.04
and then he had confidence in me
00:12:28.08\00:12:30.18
that I was, I would be okay.
00:12:30.21\00:12:32.05
That's right. That
you'd be okay mainly.
00:12:32.08\00:12:33.72
So it was
meaningful to him to know
00:12:33.75\00:12:35.62
that you really loved me,
and you were taking care of me.
00:12:35.65\00:12:37.45
Right.
00:12:37.49\00:12:38.82
So if you have
trouble with your in-laws,
00:12:38.85\00:12:40.19
one thing you can do is
just simply love your spouse
00:12:40.22\00:12:43.12
in a way that they see.
00:12:43.16\00:12:44.49
Yeah.
00:12:44.53\00:12:45.86
And I guess that we
need to take a break soon,
00:12:45.89\00:12:48.33
but I think the other thing
00:12:48.36\00:12:49.90
is just be
son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
00:12:49.93\00:12:54.24
You know how to be.
00:12:54.27\00:12:55.60
Do the best you can to treat
these in-laws with respect,
00:12:55.64\00:13:00.41
with love,
demonstrate that to them
00:13:00.44\00:13:03.28
with words, with actions.
00:13:03.31\00:13:04.68
Yeah. Be the best you can be.
00:13:04.71\00:13:06.35
That's basically saying
that the golden rule once again.
00:13:06.38\00:13:08.45
Yes.
00:13:08.48\00:13:09.82
You know doing to others,
00:13:09.85\00:13:11.19
if you love the
way Christ loved.
00:13:11.22\00:13:13.82
That's the ultimate gift
to anyone that you could give
00:13:13.86\00:13:17.43
and to your in-laws certainly.
00:13:17.46\00:13:19.09
That's a good
thought to stop with.
00:13:19.13\00:13:20.96
we're gonna take a break,
we'll be right back after this.
00:13:21.00\00:13:23.47