Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000087B
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00:01 Welcome back.
00:03 We're talking about Blended families. 00:05 This is a growing concern within the church 00:08 and with the world in general. 00:10 It is happening with greater frequency, 00:12 and we really need to deal with this issue. 00:14 More and more people in the church 00:15 are experiencing this, 00:17 people in society are experiencing it. 00:19 Now when we were to break, 00:20 we talked about a couple that were taking very great care 00:24 to make sure their marriage was on the right path 00:26 as they blended two families. 00:28 That's right. 00:29 And they got the kids on board, 00:30 but they did something else as well. 00:32 Well, they made a pact with each other 00:33 that they would go to counseling once a month, 00:36 for the first year, needed or not, you know. 00:40 Regardless of whether we need it, we're going. 00:42 Because that was the way they wanted to prioritize 00:45 their marriage to make sure that it stayed strong. 00:47 And it was interesting they said, the results, 00:50 because sometimes some months they would go 00:52 and they would just spend the whole time 00:54 telling the counselor how great it was to be married. 00:56 Wonderful. 00:57 How thrilled they were with it, 00:58 and they just had a wonderful time. 01:00 Sometimes they said they went knowing that they had an issue. 01:04 Many times they had to deal with the children, 01:07 but it was some kind of issue 01:08 and they really needed help with it, 01:10 and so they would discuss whatever that issue was, 01:13 and they felt that that was very helpful for them. 01:15 Mm-hmm. 01:16 Sometimes they said, we went thinking, 01:18 "Oh, you know, everything's good. 01:19 We're alright." 01:21 But when they got there, 01:22 as they began to talk they realized, you know, 01:24 there were, there was something that 01:25 they really did need to work through, 01:27 and the counselor helped them to work through issues. 01:30 And so for them, it was a great help. 01:33 They said, once a month that whole first year, 01:35 and it really kind of solidified 01:37 their marriage for them. 01:38 I think that's very wise. 01:40 They did this whole thing right. 01:42 They did it prayerfully. 01:43 First of all they were a Christian couple, 01:44 they did it prayerfully, 01:46 they involved the entire family, 01:47 both families in the whole process 01:48 so that everyone was on board, 01:50 they worked out the problems in advance, 01:54 like talked about all the issues, 01:55 worked through the third party to make sure 01:57 those issues were covered, 01:58 and then when they got together, 02:00 even then they went to counseling just to make sure 02:03 that this thing is going to work. 02:04 They continued. 02:06 And they, they've been very successful 02:07 with blending their family. 02:08 They have. 02:10 That doesn't mean that it hasn't had challenges. 02:11 No, everyone will have challenges. 02:13 Yeah. 02:14 But that was a really good way to approach, 02:15 and especially for them. 02:17 And so I think our first step 02:19 in keeping your blended family strong 02:21 is to keep your marriage strong. 02:22 Right. 02:24 The second step then is to sit down and make a plan. 02:25 Let's have a plan. 02:26 Let's do, let's plan as a couple. 02:28 So, if you plan as a couple, how you want to handle things, 02:31 you won't know everything that's gonna come out, 02:33 but you can have some basic principles lined up. 02:36 And if you've already blended the family, 02:38 you're already painfully aware 02:40 of what a number of those issues are. 02:42 That's right. 02:43 So since you know them, now let's sit down and find a way 02:47 to navigate your way through these difficult issues, 02:50 and if these are too difficult to do by yourself, 02:53 get a counselor involved, 02:54 someone who can at least serve as referee 02:56 as you work through these terrible issues. 02:58 That's right. 02:59 And then, bring children in on that plan, 03:02 after you have a couple plan, you know, 03:04 you can sit down with the kids, and you can say, 03:06 now mom and dad have gotten together, 03:09 and we think that if\ we can handle these things 03:12 in these specific ways, and talk about, you know, 03:15 the logistics of getting everything done. 03:18 You know, handling the household, 03:19 talk about discipline, talk about-- 03:22 The rules-- The time. 03:23 And time. 03:24 And you know talk about the rules, 03:26 all those different things, and then say, 03:27 here's kind of what we're thinking, 03:29 but we want your input, and what do you think, 03:31 so that you begin to create a family plan. 03:35 And then everybody is on board with that, 03:38 you can refer back to it, 03:40 you can handle issues that come up a lot easier 03:43 when you can say, you know, we had a plan as a family, 03:47 we need to stick with it. 03:48 And I think that the older your children are, 03:50 the more of those items on your couple plan, 03:53 you need to be willing to negotiate. 03:56 Obviously, there are some things 03:57 that you will never negotiate, matters of scripture 04:00 and of principle and moral issues, 04:03 you're not going to negotiate. 04:04 But there are other items that you can negotiate. 04:07 And if children feel like they've had input to the plan, 04:11 and their voice is been heard, 04:12 they're more likely to abide by the plan. 04:14 Absolutely. And to embrace the plan. 04:17 They wont feel like they've been left out, 04:19 you know, again, the control issue 04:21 that they don't have control over anything in their lives. 04:23 Now the parents will have veto power on the plan. 04:26 You know, as your setting it up, 04:28 but the children's input needs to be 04:31 sincerely accepted and included. 04:35 Included. 04:37 Now let's talk a little bit more about the children, 04:38 and recognize certain things about these kids. 04:42 There needs to be a tremendous amount 04:44 of compassion on the part of both parents 04:47 toward the children. 04:48 Yours, mine, ours, it doesn't matter. 04:50 And towards yourself. And toward yourself. 04:52 So, I think the big bullet point is, 04:53 'Be compassionate.' 04:55 There's been a lot that's going on for all of you. 04:58 In order to come to this place, 04:59 so be compassionate with each other, 05:02 realize that there are grief issues at play here. 05:06 Because these children, may be grieving 05:10 what they have lost and you eluded to that earlier. 05:13 They maybe grieving the fact that they don't have, 05:16 they've lost the dream of their parents reuniting. 05:19 Because most children in a divorced situation 05:22 carry that dream with them. 05:24 One day, mommy and daddy 05:25 are gonna get back together. 05:27 We'll have our family together again. 05:28 And now, mom is gotten married, 05:30 or dad is gotten married to someone else. 05:33 So, what happens to the plan, what happens to the dream. 05:35 It's not going to happen. Yeah. 05:36 So they lose that dream, 05:38 and they have to grieve the loss of that dream. 05:39 They lost the family, they have to grieve that, 05:42 and now they lose the dream of reuniting the family. 05:47 It may have even mean a move, changing schools, 05:49 changing communities, changing churches, 05:52 changing friends, more losses 05:54 that they've experienced along the way. 05:55 Yes, so they've lost all those things 05:57 they may have lost, they may grieve the fact that 05:59 they loved their bedroom that they used to have. 06:02 You know, you don't know what's in their mind. 06:04 And what does that imply in their heart, in their mind. 06:07 Mm-hmm. 06:08 So you have to be compassionate for them. 06:10 And now, are they sharing a bedroom with a step-sibling? 06:12 I mean, all sorts of elements are coming to play here 06:15 that we have to be aware of. 06:16 And make sure that we're compassionate 06:18 with the children, that we administer to their needs, 06:20 through this whole process. 06:22 If the, if the family, 06:23 if they've lived in a single parent family for some time, 06:26 they may have had quite a bit of time with mom or dad, 06:29 whoever they were living with. 06:30 Now mom and dad's time is divided because, 06:33 they've got this other person, 06:34 you know, they've got a new spouse. 06:37 And may be other children that have been introduced, so again, 06:41 we're spreading this time even more thinly 06:43 across the layer of children and spouse. 06:46 They may be grieving the way the holidays used to be, 06:49 you know, they've had a certain way 06:51 that they've experienced the holidays. 06:53 They've always been at Grandma's house, 06:55 or they've always been here. 06:56 Now that becomes a logistical thing, 06:58 and what are we doing for the holidays 07:00 They lose some of their traditions. 07:02 There are a lot of things there, 07:04 so we have to be compassionate for our children 07:06 and for each other. 07:07 And I think establishing new traditions about having 07:09 the children be a part of understanding of planning 07:12 what the new tradition is. 07:13 Mm-hmm. New family. 07:15 Let's see if we can keep some of the old, 07:17 but maybe there's a need to do away with some of the old, 07:20 because it just is not practical anymore. 07:22 Right. Let's do something new. 07:24 What is our new tradition? 07:25 We're gonna do this year and year out. 07:27 This is a new tradition for our family, 07:29 and if the children can be a part of planning that, 07:32 then it helps take care 07:33 of some of the pain of the loss of the past. 07:35 That's right. 07:36 Um, the word compassion, 07:38 we talked about in another show, 07:41 and one definition for it is, your pain in my heart. 07:44 So feel the pain of the other family members. 07:47 This is a difficult thing for them. 07:49 Be gentle with everyone in the family. 07:52 I think being available and just listening, 07:55 listening to what's going on with them is really important. 07:59 Acknowledge their pain, 08:00 and facilitate their grief process. 08:02 Yeah. It's gonna take time. 08:04 It does. 08:05 But, and I think the other thing is to sit down 08:07 with that child, and help them to know that you understand. 08:11 And you're not judging the fact that 08:13 they're sad about certain things. 08:15 But also help them to begin to accept the new reality. 08:20 And that's gonna be a process, 08:22 but help them to accept the new reality. 08:24 This is where we are now, and these are the things 08:26 that can be joyful about this. 08:29 That's right. As we move forward. 08:30 And if you're the step-parent, your role may, 08:34 first of all you may be hurt by the fact that 08:36 this child is not receiving you as you wanted to be received, 08:39 it may feel like rejection, 08:41 where as the child may feel like, 08:42 if I accept this step-parent, 08:45 is that being disloyal to my dad, or to my mom, 08:49 is that being disloyal to them? 08:51 So they've got these divided loyalties 08:52 they're worried about. 08:54 Be patient with this. 08:55 Don't accept everything 08:56 as a personal or front, or rejection. 08:58 Yeah. Be gentle. 09:00 In fact you might not be as involved with the discipline 09:03 during that time, it may be that more 09:05 the birth parent that is handling that. 09:07 Your role may be simply to be a cheerleader. 09:10 That's right. 09:11 And a compassionate friend for a time. 09:13 You're there to show up, to love, to be compassionate, 09:16 to be the cheerleader, and to just be a companion 09:20 that's there to love them. 09:21 Yeah. 09:23 Be a person who has open arms. 09:25 And yet, don't push yourself on them. 09:27 Yeah. 09:29 You know, I remember my dad had a philosophy about 09:32 small children, you know, he was older, 09:35 he was actually the age of a grandparent for me 09:38 when I was born, so he was older, and so he would, 09:43 sometimes kids are afraid of older people. 09:45 And he had a philosophy when he was around little children 09:49 he would never try to push himself on them, 09:51 or go up to them, or speak to them. 09:53 But he would just sit back and watch them, 09:55 and he tried to just catch their eye, now and then. 09:57 You know, and smile, or maybe a wink, 09:59 and maybe he would be doing something 10:01 over here that was interesting. 10:02 Yeah. He loved to draw. 10:04 He was great at drawing. 10:05 So, he would just start drawing pictures and pretty soon, 10:08 they would get interested, and he would draw them 10:10 in not by pushing himself on them, 10:13 but by them being interested in what he was doing, 10:16 and showing that he was just friendly and open. 10:18 Then he would take the time to teach them, 10:20 or let them participate with him, 10:21 and whatever it was that he was doing. 10:23 Yeah. Have you ever drawn a dog? 10:24 Yeah. Can you draw a dog? 10:26 You know, then he would show them, 10:27 and I think that's good advice for a step-parent. 10:30 Mm-hmm. You're there. 10:32 You are, you know, you catch their eye 10:34 you let them know I'm warm, 10:36 I'm accepting, I'm caring about you. 10:38 Right. 10:39 And, and draw them into something 10:41 that they might be interested in. 10:42 Another part of that is just simply 10:44 to be a Godly example to them. 10:46 Absolutely. 10:48 If indeed they have gone through a difficult divorce, 10:51 they may not have seen much of God, 10:53 in their parents during that time of arguing, 10:57 that facilitated the divorce. 10:59 Now they need to see someone who is a calm, gentle presence, 11:04 that loves Jesus with all his heart, or her heart, 11:08 and is fully devoted to him, and actually typifies 11:12 the characteristics from the life of Christ. 11:15 If they can see that in you, 11:16 eventually they'll be drawn to it. 11:18 And it may take time so you have to be patient. 11:19 It does take time. Yeah. 11:21 Patience is big. 11:23 Focusing I think, on meeting the needs of your children. 11:26 Yeah. 11:27 More than on the rules, now rules are important. 11:30 Yes. 11:31 You've got to have some guidelines 11:32 in to keep your family out of chaos. 11:34 Or you'll have chaos. Chaos. 11:35 But focus more on meeting the needs of the children. 11:39 And what are the needs of these children? 11:41 They're the same as the needs of any child, only more so. 11:44 They're on steroids now. That's right. 11:46 And the needs of any child, you know, to be loved, 11:49 to be nurtured, to be accepted, 11:51 to know that they have a place, and they're safe. 11:54 That they are cherished. That's right. 11:56 That they're a part of the family. 11:57 That they belong. Mm-hmm. 11:58 That they are of significance to people in that family, 12:01 and there's a place for them to be nurtured and to grow, 12:05 and to be all that they can be. 12:06 And like you mentioned earlier, 12:08 sometimes those kids are not gonna be 12:09 all warm and fuzzy towards you. 12:11 No, they are not. 12:12 So I think it's also important to remember that 12:14 you are the adult, you are the parent, 12:16 don't react to them in kind. 12:18 When they are, you know, when they're prickly. 12:22 Instead you have maturity in the way you approach them. 12:26 One of the symptoms of grief in children is they act out. 12:28 Mm-hmm. And they regress in behavior. 12:31 They used to tie their shoe, they can't do it anymore. 12:33 They quit wetting the bed, they may start again. 12:36 And so regressive behavior, it's important to see that, 12:39 and be patient with it, be gentle with it, 12:41 but see it for what it is. 12:42 This is a grief reaction, and we're gonna be patient, 12:45 and love you through this whole process. 12:47 And I think the last thing is to focus on joy. 12:50 Let this be a home that has joy and laughter. 12:53 Smile, laugh, we're creating an atmosphere here, 12:58 that will create memories that will be good ones for you. 13:02 The joy means even being willing to accept, 13:04 to laugh at yourself, to laugh at the circumstances, 13:09 and to find happiness in everything you do. 13:11 We're a mess aren't we? Oh, we are such a mess. 13:13 We're gonna laugh about it anyway. 13:15 Yeah. Go forward. 13:16 And when you accept yourself with your own foibles 13:20 and faults, children are more willing to do the same. 13:23 They'll accept you as well, and accept themselves as well. 13:25 I think we have to be in more than survival mode. 13:28 You know, and this is true for all families, 13:30 not just blended families. 13:31 We have to be in more than survival mode. 13:34 Instead we want to be in the mode of joy and contentment, 13:38 and that comes by being intentional. 13:40 Nothing of value is ever established by accident. 13:43 That's right. 13:45 It always takes a plan. 13:46 It took a plan to create the world, 13:48 it took a plan to create you, 13:51 and now it takes a plan to create a healthy family 13:53 with healthy children. 13:55 But the best part is to remember 13:56 that you're not doing this alone. 13:58 Absolutely. 13:59 Jesus has promised to be with you. 14:01 He will guide you through this process. 14:03 We urge you to include him in your plans, 14:05 because we want you to be madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-06-02