Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000087A
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00:19 Welcome to 'Marriage in God's Hand."
00:21 We're Mike and Gayle Tucker, from Faith For Today Television 00:24 the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine 00:25 and Mad About Marriage. 00:27 And if you like to check those programs out, 00:28 do so on the web at lifestyle.org 00:32 and madaboutmarriage.com 00:34 We're talking today about a special subject. 00:37 It is something that is very relevant 00:40 to planet earth today and that is Blended Families. 00:44 Blended Families. 00:45 That's not easy, is it? 00:46 No, it is not but it is more and more prevalent today. 00:52 Research shows that most children the United States 00:55 will spend some time in a single parent family 00:59 and, of course, it also means that there's a potential there 01:01 for a blended family as well. 01:03 Absolutely. 01:04 In fact, our families have just changed in general. 01:07 Back in 1970 according to the census, 01:10 it said that, married couples with families 01:14 made up 40% of the house. 01:16 Children under the age of 18, married families with children 01:19 under the age of 18 made up 40% of the households. 01:21 40% and by 2012 it was only 20%. 01:25 Yeah. 01:27 So you can see there that there is a big change 01:28 so that means that a lot of those children 01:31 you know, a lot of... 01:33 It sets up a potential for children 01:34 to be in blended families. 01:36 In blended families and, of course, some of the things 01:38 that affect that are the aging America 01:39 and with fewer people of childbearing age 01:44 but also the fact that divorce 01:46 is so much more prevalent and so you're going to live 01:49 in single parent families and then eventually 01:51 there's the potential for blended families. 01:53 That's right. 01:55 I looked at some statistics from blendedfamilies.net. 01:57 Yeah. 01:59 And most of these statistics came from about 2005. 02:01 So it's been a little while we're in 2015 now. 02:05 But even then 50% of the children in the U.S. 02:08 were being raised in blended families. 02:10 Half. 02:11 And that has not gone down at this point... 02:13 No it has not. 02:14 It continues to rise, 1,300 new step families 02:17 are being formed every day. 02:18 Every day! 02:20 1,300 new step families and that's another name 02:22 for a blended family, step family we've got, 02:25 you know, a wife who already has children, 02:28 husband already has children, you blend them together, 02:31 you've got really a potential there for a lot of stress. 02:36 You do. 02:37 And it also says that about a third of children in the U.S. 02:40 are likely to live in a blended family 02:43 sometime before they're 18 years old. 02:44 Yeah. 02:46 So a lot of kids, a lot of families 02:49 are experiencing the blended family experience. 02:51 And yet there are very few resources 02:54 for blended families especially within the Christian church, 02:57 because it's something we've not wanted to talk about 02:59 is divorce, remarriage 03:01 and then the blending of families. 03:02 You know we do marriage seminars frequently 03:06 with the Mad About Marriage all over the country 03:08 and just about every week someone comes up and says, 03:11 "Do you have resources for blended families? 03:13 Because it's putting so much stress on our marriage." 03:16 And one of the places we send people 03:17 is to smart step families is a lot of good resources 03:21 there are Christian resources 03:23 and that's one place to get them, 03:24 but we want to talk about this today as well, 03:26 some of the risks that are involved with this. 03:29 Creating greater conflict within families, 03:31 greater sources for stress within marriage 03:34 within a blended family, what else? 03:37 Well, what are the conflicts that are possible? 03:39 First of all there's parenting style, 03:42 because you have two families, established families, 03:45 who have parenting styles already. 03:47 They may not match up. 03:49 If my style is different than your style 03:50 and we've both got kids and we want to bring these kids 03:52 to which style are we going to choose now? 03:54 Exactly. 03:56 And even if you've got 03:57 maybe one person doesn't have children, 03:59 the other person does, there's still a potential 04:02 for conflict there on parenting styles 04:05 because the person who doesn't have children has strong ideas 04:08 about what they would do if they had children 04:10 and now suddenly they have one 04:12 and there's already an established pattern here. 04:16 Another thing is just discipline, 04:18 the history of discipline that already exists... 04:20 What kind of rules? 04:22 Which is, you know, is related to parenting styles, 04:25 but what kind of discipline will we use 04:28 and that may not match up. 04:29 What about the children working, 04:32 working you against each other. 04:34 And that's easily done in a blended family, 04:36 because you've got the ex-spouse 04:39 the biological parent of the children 04:42 who's not living with you, and this new person coming in, 04:45 the step parent, and another biological. 04:48 So again, there's potential for working 04:50 all kinds of miracles by kids 04:53 who get their way in to create conflict. 04:55 Yeah. And they will do so. 04:56 And then there is the potential for step siblings 04:59 not getting along. 05:01 You know, I don't really like my new sister over here. 05:04 I don't really like my new brother. 05:06 And I didn't want to share a room with them 05:09 and there's a lot of potential there. 05:10 How about fairness? 05:12 You're treating your kids 05:13 better than you're treating mine. 05:15 Why are you easier on your kids than you are on mine? 05:16 Are you spending more time with your kids 05:18 than you are with mine? 05:19 So the fairness issue is huge. 05:21 Yeah, and are those things really true 05:23 or is it a matter of perception. 05:25 And you know are the kids kind of kind of perpetuating 05:29 that idea too, you know, they're not being fair to me. 05:31 If I'm new to this home and you've got children. 05:35 What's my role in discipline? 05:37 Do I help discipline these children? 05:39 Do I not? 05:40 Is this something that is appropriate for me to do 05:42 or is it inappropriate. 05:43 What should I do? So there's conflict there. 05:45 And then the financial conflicts, 05:48 because you had different ways of spending your money. 05:52 Two different families, you know, 05:54 maybe one family has focused 05:56 on let's just not spend a lot of money 05:59 let's just spend time doing things together 06:01 so their time has been hiking or bicycling 06:05 or things like that. 06:07 You know maybe they focused on music. 06:09 Maybe the other family has... 06:11 They've invested in putting their kids in Little League 06:14 and they bought all the equipment and they, 06:16 you know, they do piano lessons or those kinds of things. 06:19 So now what do we do in that regard? 06:22 Do these children give up the things 06:25 that they're used to being involved in? 06:27 In order to match what these do or what do we do 06:30 and how do we spend the money? 06:32 And there can be really some stresses there 06:34 because after all if somebody is paying child support 06:38 or alimony from a previous marriage, 06:40 then that of course limits 06:42 the resources available as well. 06:44 And yet there's a responsibility 06:45 to previous children. 06:47 So, you know, what do you do here? 06:49 So the stresses are great 06:50 and if you are in a blended family we're not telling you 06:53 anything you don't already know. 06:54 Oh, Yeah. Old news to you. 06:57 These are the kind of questions that people ask us 06:59 about all the time because they're dealing 07:01 with really stressful issues. 07:03 Well, all right, we've painted a rather grim picture here. 07:06 Yeah. 07:07 But now let's talk about some solutions 07:09 and first we want to talk to people 07:10 who have not yet blended a family. 07:13 But maybe considering it. But maybe considering it. 07:16 And it's important that before you start 07:19 you consider all the things we've just talked about 07:22 that you sit down if necessary with a third party 07:25 with a counselor to see if there are things 07:27 that maybe you hadn't even considered 07:28 that need to be considered 07:30 and that you come to a workable plan 07:33 before you blend the family. 07:35 Start with a plan in mind. 07:37 So I would say to sit down first of all and actually 07:40 make a list of the potential conflicts, 07:43 the potential issues as they relate to your specific family. 07:47 So what is it going to be? 07:49 Do we have a potential for this conflict this, this, this, 07:52 make a list. 07:54 And then look at each one of those together realistically 07:57 and like you said, you may need a counselor 07:59 because you may not be able to look at them realistic. 08:02 Yeah, or you might need someone to serve as a third party 08:04 to help arbitrate a deal between the two of you 08:07 to make sure that you find something in, 08:08 in the middle that's going to work, 08:10 something that both of you can be happy with 08:12 that's going to be a healthy solution for the children. 08:15 But I would really encourage you 08:17 not to get married until you've already done this, 08:20 don't figure well we'll figure this out as we go. 08:23 That's never a good plan. 08:25 It's not because it's not only the two of you, 08:27 but you're talking about 08:28 a lot of other little personalities here. 08:30 And if they're maybe teenagers, it's even more difficult, 08:33 so they may be big personalities at that point 08:36 and you're dealing with all of them. 08:38 So before you get married you also need to bring 08:41 the children in on it and talk to them about it 08:44 and see where they stand and give them time 08:48 to get to know the other person, 08:50 give them a lot of time. 08:52 Sometimes people want to rush into getting married 08:55 because it seems like it's going to solve 08:56 a lot of problems and they're, they're lonely. 08:59 Yeah. They want to be married. 09:00 I need help with these kids. Absolutely. 09:03 And the kids need a lot of time so you need to not rush. 09:08 Well, in fact, we interviewed a couple on our program 09:11 Mad About Marriage. 09:13 Yes. 09:14 Who both had children and both of them 09:16 had the children living with them. 09:18 So the man had his children with him 09:19 and the woman had her children with her 09:21 and they decided to do this right. 09:24 And so a good percentage of their dates 09:27 during their dating experience, 09:28 were family events with all the kids together 09:32 to just see how this would work. 09:33 They gave them the kid's time to get to know each other 09:36 as well as the potential step parent 09:40 and they decided not to get married 09:41 until the children were on board with this 09:44 and I applaud that quite frankly. 09:46 Well, you really just go around a lot of the problems 09:50 that you could have otherwise, 09:52 if you know that everybody is on board here, 09:54 you're going to have enough stresses anyway 09:56 but if everybody says, yes, that's going to be helpful. 09:59 So if you're in a situation where you're considering it. 10:02 You know if you're considering getting married 10:04 and blending families, 10:06 be sure that you go through all these steps first. 10:09 It's going to help you a lot. It really will. 10:11 In fact, as I remember the story, 10:15 they had dated for quite a while and then finally 10:18 they wanted to present the idea of merging these two families 10:22 and so they had a family council 10:24 with both families sitting there 10:25 and began to present the idea 10:28 and part of the response from the kids was well 10:30 and it's about time. 10:32 Yeah. 10:34 And that's a fantastic response. 10:36 That's what you want. 10:37 Because at that point you're ready to take the step. 10:40 Rather than bringing a kid kicking and screaming 10:42 into something like this, 10:43 it's better to have the child be a part of the process 10:45 and to feel a measure of control 10:47 so much has been out of control for this kid already 10:50 has lost a home. 10:51 You know this child has lost two parents 10:54 living together and a home. 10:56 And it may not have been a perfect home, obviously, 10:58 it wasn't because it ended in divorce, 11:00 but still the child has lost a home 11:02 it's the only home he's known. 11:04 And even if it's a situation where parent had died. 11:07 Yes. 11:08 You know they've lost their home that they have... 11:10 And that was out of this child's control. 11:12 So no control there and all of a sudden 11:14 you're thrust into another family 11:16 that you have no control over. 11:17 Wouldn't it be better to help the child 11:19 be a part of the process and be on board 11:23 before you start this thing 11:25 so that the children buy into it and say, 11:27 "All right, we've got challenges 11:28 but we can make this thing work, this is good for us all." 11:30 Absolutely. 11:31 So those are the things to do first. 11:34 You know, if you've not gotten married 11:36 and you're considering it, go through those steps first, 11:39 but let's talk to the people who have already married 11:43 they already have a blended family 11:45 and they're saying how do we navigate all of this? 11:47 That's right. It's a difficult situation. 11:50 First thing to do is to be sure that your marriage is strong. 11:53 Absolutely. 11:54 You're going to have a lot of stresses 12:00 that everybody has when they get married, 12:02 but yours will be intensified. 12:03 Yours are on steroids. That's right. 12:06 It's going to be a lot more if you have kids in the mix. 12:09 So you've got to keep that marriage strong. 12:11 And by the way that's why second marriages fail 12:13 at a higher rate than do first marriages. 12:16 So often it's because of the children 12:18 that are involved with this, 12:20 they put the additional stresses on the home. 12:22 So, yes, you're going to have 12:23 to take special care of your marriage even more 12:26 so than if you were this was the first marriage 12:28 with no children involved. 12:29 That's right. 12:30 Be tender and gentle toward each other, 12:32 keep the romance going, 12:35 be sure that you have time by yourselves... 12:37 And don't feel guilty about taking time by yourselves. 12:39 That's right. 12:40 That's something, you know, you've got all these kids 12:42 you're worried about, don't feel guilty 12:44 because this is good for your children as well as for you. 12:46 Now the same couple that you talked about 12:49 that we interviewed did some other things 12:52 and we want to be sure that people understand 12:54 what they did as well, 12:55 maybe we can talk about that when we come back. 12:57 Let's take a break and when we come back, 12:58 we're going to talk about the additional step they took 13:01 in order to make their blended family work. 13:03 And we'll talk about that in just a moment, 13:05 we'll be right back. |
Revised 2017-02-09