Welcome to
'Marriage in God's Hand."
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We're Mike and Gayle Tucker,
from Faith For Today Television
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the co-host of
Lifestyle Magazine
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and Mad About Marriage.
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And if you like to
check those programs out,
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do so on the
web at lifestyle.org
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and madaboutmarriage.com
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We're talking today
about a special subject.
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It is something
that is very relevant
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to planet earth today
and that is Blended Families.
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Blended Families.
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That's not easy, is it?
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No, it is not but it is
more and more prevalent today.
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Research shows that most
children the United States
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will spend some time
in a single parent family
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and, of course, it also means
that there's a potential there
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for a blended family as well.
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Absolutely.
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In fact, our families
have just changed in general.
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Back in 1970
according to the census,
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it said that,
married couples with families
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made up 40% of the house.
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Children under the age of 18,
married families with children
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under the age of 18 made
up 40% of the households.
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40% and by 2012 it was only 20%.
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Yeah.
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So you can see there
that there is a big change
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so that means that a
lot of those children
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you know, a lot of...
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It sets up a
potential for children
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to be in blended families.
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In blended families and,
of course, some of the things
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that affect that
are the aging America
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and with fewer
people of childbearing age
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but also the fact that divorce
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is so much more prevalent
and so you're going to live
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in single parent
families and then eventually
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there's the
potential for blended families.
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That's right.
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I looked at some statistics
from blendedfamilies.net.
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Yeah.
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And most of these
statistics came from about 2005.
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So it's been a little
while we're in 2015 now.
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But even then 50% of
the children in the U.S.
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were being raised
in blended families.
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Half.
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And that has not
gone down at this point...
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No it has not.
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It continues to rise,
1,300 new step families
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are being formed every day.
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Every day!
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1,300 new step
families and that's another name
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for a blended family,
step family we've got,
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you know, a wife who
already has children,
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husband already has children,
you blend them together,
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you've got really a potential
there for a lot of stress.
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You do.
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And it also says that about
a third of children in the U.S.
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are likely to live
in a blended family
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sometime before
they're 18 years old.
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Yeah.
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So a lot of
kids, a lot of families
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are experiencing the
blended family experience.
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And yet there are
very few resources
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for blended families especially
within the Christian church,
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because it's something
we've not wanted to talk about
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is divorce, remarriage
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and then the
blending of families.
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You know we do
marriage seminars frequently
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with the Mad About
Marriage all over the country
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and just about every week
someone comes up and says,
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"Do you have
resources for blended families?
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Because it's putting so
much stress on our marriage."
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And one of the
places we send people
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is to smart step families
is a lot of good resources
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there are Christian resources
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and that's one
place to get them,
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but we want to talk
about this today as well,
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some of the risks that
are involved with this.
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Creating greater
conflict within families,
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greater sources for
stress within marriage
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within a blended
family, what else?
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Well, what are the
conflicts that are possible?
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First of all
there's parenting style,
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because you have two
families, established families,
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who have
parenting styles already.
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They may not match up.
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If my style is
different than your style
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and we've both got kids
and we want to bring these kids
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to which style are
we going to choose now?
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Exactly.
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And even if you've got
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maybe one person
doesn't have children,
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the other person does,
there's still a potential
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for conflict there
on parenting styles
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because the person who doesn't
have children has strong ideas
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about what they would
do if they had children
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and now suddenly they have one
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and there's already an
established pattern here.
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Another thing
is just discipline,
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the history of discipline
that already exists...
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What kind of rules?
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Which is, you know, is
related to parenting styles,
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but what kind of
discipline will we use
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and that may not match up.
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What about the children working,
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working you against each other.
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And that's easily
done in a blended family,
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because you've got the ex-spouse
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the biological
parent of the children
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who's not living with you,
and this new person coming in,
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the step parent,
and another biological.
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So again, there's
potential for working
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all kinds of miracles by kids
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who get their way
in to create conflict.
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Yeah. And they will do so.
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And then there is the
potential for step siblings
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not getting along.
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You know, I don't really
like my new sister over here.
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I don't really
like my new brother.
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And I didn't want to
share a room with them
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and there's a lot
of potential there.
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How about fairness?
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You're treating your kids
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better than
you're treating mine.
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Why are you easier on
your kids than you are on mine?
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Are you spending
more time with your kids
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than you are with mine?
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So the fairness issue is huge.
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Yeah, and are
those things really true
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or is it a matter of perception.
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And you know are the kids
kind of kind of perpetuating
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that idea too, you know,
they're not being fair to me.
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If I'm new to this home
and you've got children.
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What's my role in discipline?
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Do I help
discipline these children?
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Do I not?
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Is this something that
is appropriate for me to do
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or is it inappropriate.
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What should I do? So
there's conflict there.
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And then the
financial conflicts,
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because you had different
ways of spending your money.
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Two different
families, you know,
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maybe one family has focused
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on let's just not
spend a lot of money
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let's just spend
time doing things together
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so their time has
been hiking or bicycling
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or things like that.
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You know maybe
they focused on music.
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Maybe the other family has...
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They've invested in putting
their kids in Little League
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and they bought all
the equipment and they,
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you know, they do piano lessons
or those kinds of things.
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So now what do we
do in that regard?
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Do these children
give up the things
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that they're used
to being involved in?
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In order to match what
these do or what do we do
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and how do we spend the money?
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And there can be
really some stresses there
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because after all if
somebody is paying child support
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or alimony from a
previous marriage,
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then that of course limits
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the resources available as well.
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And yet there's a responsibility
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to previous children.
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So, you know,
what do you do here?
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So the stresses are great
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and if you are in a blended
family we're not telling you
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anything you don't already know.
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Oh, Yeah. Old news to you.
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These are the kind of
questions that people ask us
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about all the time
because they're dealing
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with really stressful issues.
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Well, all right, we've painted
a rather grim picture here.
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Yeah.
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But now let's talk
about some solutions
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and first we
want to talk to people
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who have not yet
blended a family.
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But maybe considering
it. But maybe considering it.
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And it's important
that before you start
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you consider all the
things we've just talked about
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that you sit down if
necessary with a third party
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with a counselor to
see if there are things
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that maybe you
hadn't even considered
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that need to be considered
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and that you come
to a workable plan
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before you blend the family.
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Start with a plan in mind.
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So I would say to sit
down first of all and actually
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make a list of the
potential conflicts,
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the potential issues as they
relate to your specific family.
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So what is it going to be?
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Do we have a potential for
this conflict this, this, this,
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make a list.
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And then look at each one
of those together realistically
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and like you said,
you may need a counselor
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because you may not be
able to look at them realistic.
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Yeah, or you might need someone
to serve as a third party
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to help arbitrate a
deal between the two of you
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to make sure that
you find something in,
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in the middle
that's going to work,
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something that both
of you can be happy with
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that's going to be a healthy
solution for the children.
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But I would really encourage you
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not to get married until
you've already done this,
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don't figure well we'll
figure this out as we go.
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That's never a good plan.
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It's not because it's
not only the two of you,
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but you're talking about
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a lot of other
little personalities here.
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And if they're maybe teenagers,
it's even more difficult,
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so they may be big
personalities at that point
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and you're
dealing with all of them.
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So before you get
married you also need to bring
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the children in on it
and talk to them about it
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and see where they
stand and give them time
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to get to know the other person,
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give them a lot of time.
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Sometimes people want to
rush into getting married
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because it seems
like it's going to solve
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a lot of problems and
they're, they're lonely.
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Yeah. They want to be married.
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I need help with
these kids. Absolutely.
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And the kids need a lot of
time so you need to not rush.
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Well, in fact, we interviewed
a couple on our program
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Mad About Marriage.
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Yes.
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Who both had
children and both of them
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had the children
living with them.
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So the man had
his children with him
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and the woman had
her children with her
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and they decided
to do this right.
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And so a good
percentage of their dates
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during their dating experience,
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were family events
with all the kids together
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to just see how this would work.
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They gave them the kid's
time to get to know each other
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as well as the
potential step parent
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and they decided
not to get married
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until the children
were on board with this
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and I applaud
that quite frankly.
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Well, you really just go
around a lot of the problems
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that you could have otherwise,
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if you know that
everybody is on board here,
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you're going to have
enough stresses anyway
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but if everybody says,
yes, that's going to be helpful.
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So if you're in a situation
where you're considering it.
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You know if you're
considering getting married
00:10:02.30\00:10:04.37
and blending families,
00:10:04.40\00:10:06.03
be sure that you go
through all these steps first.
00:10:06.07\00:10:09.77
It's going to help
you a lot. It really will.
00:10:09.80\00:10:11.71
In fact, as I
remember the story,
00:10:11.74\00:10:15.04
they had dated for
quite a while and then finally
00:10:15.08\00:10:18.08
they wanted to present the idea
of merging these two families
00:10:18.11\00:10:22.38
and so they had a family council
00:10:22.42\00:10:24.22
with both families sitting there
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and began to present the idea
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and part of the
response from the kids was well
00:10:28.29\00:10:30.86
and it's about time.
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Yeah.
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And that's a fantastic response.
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That's what you want.
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Because at that point
you're ready to take the step.
00:10:37.93\00:10:39.97
Rather than bringing a
kid kicking and screaming
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into something like this,
00:10:42.27\00:10:43.61
it's better to have the
child be a part of the process
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and to feel a measure of control
00:10:45.91\00:10:47.41
so much has been out of
control for this kid already
00:10:47.44\00:10:50.21
has lost a home.
00:10:50.25\00:10:51.75
You know this child
has lost two parents
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living together and a home.
00:10:54.15\00:10:56.15
And it may not have been
a perfect home, obviously,
00:10:56.18\00:10:58.25
it wasn't because
it ended in divorce,
00:10:58.29\00:11:00.86
but still the
child has lost a home
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it's the only home he's known.
00:11:02.89\00:11:04.39
And even if it's a
situation where parent had died.
00:11:04.43\00:11:07.30
Yes.
00:11:07.33\00:11:08.66
You know they've lost
their home that they have...
00:11:08.70\00:11:10.03
And that was out of
this child's control.
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So no control
there and all of a sudden
00:11:12.63\00:11:14.84
you're thrust
into another family
00:11:14.87\00:11:16.30
that you have no control over.
00:11:16.34\00:11:17.91
Wouldn't it be
better to help the child
00:11:17.94\00:11:19.84
be a part of the
process and be on board
00:11:19.87\00:11:23.41
before you start this thing
00:11:23.45\00:11:25.05
so that the
children buy into it and say,
00:11:25.08\00:11:27.35
"All right, we've got challenges
00:11:27.38\00:11:28.72
but we can make this thing
work, this is good for us all."
00:11:28.75\00:11:30.15
Absolutely.
00:11:30.19\00:11:31.52
So those are the
things to do first.
00:11:31.55\00:11:34.59
You know, if
you've not gotten married
00:11:34.62\00:11:36.32
and you're considering it,
go through those steps first,
00:11:36.36\00:11:39.43
but let's talk to the
people who have already married
00:11:39.46\00:11:43.10
they already
have a blended family
00:11:43.13\00:11:45.33
and they're saying how
do we navigate all of this?
00:11:45.37\00:11:47.90
That's right. It's
a difficult situation.
00:11:47.94\00:11:50.17
First thing to do is to be sure
that your marriage is strong.
00:11:50.21\00:11:53.54
Absolutely.
00:11:53.58\00:11:54.91
You're going to
have a lot of stresses
00:11:54.94\00:12:00.48
that everybody has
when they get married,
00:12:00.52\00:12:02.18
but yours will be intensified.
00:12:02.22\00:12:03.89
Yours are on
steroids. That's right.
00:12:03.92\00:12:06.22
It's going to be a lot more
if you have kids in the mix.
00:12:06.25\00:12:09.69
So you've got to
keep that marriage strong.
00:12:09.72\00:12:11.53
And by the way that's
why second marriages fail
00:12:11.56\00:12:13.80
at a higher rate
than do first marriages.
00:12:13.83\00:12:15.96
So often it's
because of the children
00:12:16.00\00:12:18.23
that are involved with this,
00:12:18.27\00:12:20.14
they put the
additional stresses on the home.
00:12:20.17\00:12:22.50
So, yes, you're going to have
00:12:22.54\00:12:23.91
to take special care
of your marriage even more
00:12:23.94\00:12:26.27
so than if you were
this was the first marriage
00:12:26.31\00:12:28.18
with no children involved.
00:12:28.21\00:12:29.54
That's right.
00:12:29.58\00:12:30.91
Be tender and
gentle toward each other,
00:12:30.95\00:12:32.78
keep the romance going,
00:12:32.81\00:12:35.35
be sure that you
have time by yourselves...
00:12:35.38\00:12:37.62
And don't feel guilty
about taking time by yourselves.
00:12:37.65\00:12:39.55
That's right.
00:12:39.59\00:12:40.92
That's something, you
know, you've got all these kids
00:12:40.96\00:12:42.56
you're worried
about, don't feel guilty
00:12:42.59\00:12:44.56
because this is good for your
children as well as for you.
00:12:44.59\00:12:46.90
Now the same couple
that you talked about
00:12:46.93\00:12:49.26
that we interviewed
did some other things
00:12:49.30\00:12:52.43
and we want to be
sure that people understand
00:12:52.47\00:12:54.14
what they did as well,
00:12:54.17\00:12:55.50
maybe we can talk
about that when we come back.
00:12:55.54\00:12:57.14
Let's take a break
and when we come back,
00:12:57.17\00:12:58.87
we're going to talk about
the additional step they took
00:12:58.91\00:13:01.38
in order to make
their blended family work.
00:13:01.41\00:13:03.58
And we'll talk about
that in just a moment,
00:13:03.61\00:13:05.71
we'll be right back.
00:13:05.75\00:13:07.08