Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000086B
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00:01 Welcome back.
00:02 We're talking about raising children 00:04 and how that affects their marriage. 00:06 And we've mentioned that it's important to start 00:08 with the end goal in mind. 00:10 If we are in survival mode 00:13 that's a prescription for disaster. 00:15 It is and it puts stress on your marriage. 00:17 But to have a big plan is going to be helpful for us. 00:20 We have to have the end goal in mind. 00:22 I think we have to decide ahead of time, 00:25 what our goals are, 00:27 what our discipline style is going to be, 00:30 what our style of parenting is going to be. 00:32 Now that will vary as the years go by 00:35 and as you get more experience with it, 00:37 but I think it's important to say, all right, 00:40 here's what we really want for our children, 00:42 and here's how we're going to get there. 00:45 You need to decide is your discipline going to be, 00:48 you know, are you going to use corporal punishment. 00:51 Are you going to use time out? 00:52 Are you going to use... What are you going to use? 00:54 How is that going to be... 00:55 Or you're just going to scream frantically. 00:57 Yeah. 00:58 And if you don't have a plan that's what you will do. 01:00 That's what you'd do. Yeah. 01:02 So when you have a plan. 01:04 I think the thing that is helpful with that as well 01:07 in terms of the marriage, 01:08 is that you both are on the same page. 01:12 You've decided together 01:13 how you're going to handle things 01:15 and then even if you happen to be separated at the moment 01:18 one of you is dealing with the situation, 01:20 you already have the foundational principles 01:22 that you're going to use. 01:23 This is the way we deal with our children 01:26 and this is the way we handle things 01:27 and then you're not going to create conflict 01:29 with the other parent, 01:30 because you did something that they didn't like. 01:32 Plus, you don't create confusion in your children. 01:34 That's right. 01:36 It was always helpful for me 01:37 to know that you and I had a plan we were on the same team 01:40 and if we were apart from each other and the children 01:42 and, you know, our children 01:44 unlike any other child in the world, I'm sure, 01:46 because they try to play one of us against the other. 01:49 And no other child on the face of the planet 01:51 has ever done that, 01:52 but we had a habit 01:54 and that is that they came and asked us for something 01:55 and we were apart from one another, 01:57 we would always ask the question, 01:59 "Did you ask your mother? Or did you ask your father?" 02:01 Did you ask daddy? 02:02 You know and what did daddy say? 02:04 What did mom say? 02:05 And it frustrated the children, 02:06 but it also let them know that we were a team 02:09 and that kept the conflict down between us, 02:12 and it also gave the children a sense of solidarity 02:14 because mom and dad are working together in this. 02:16 That's right. 02:18 It's always helpful. Yeah. 02:19 And, you know, basically what your rules are 02:21 what you're approach is and so if you stay with that approach, 02:26 it keeps the children better off 02:28 and it keeps you on the same page. 02:30 I think it's also important for us to not assume 02:32 that we already know everything about parenting. 02:35 The most obnoxious experts on children 02:38 are those who don't have any. 02:39 Yeah. 02:40 Is like the story of this child psychiatrist 02:43 who started his career was 02:44 six theories of raising children 02:46 and he ended his career having raised six children 02:49 and they had no more theories. 02:50 That's right. Yeah. 02:52 A theory is wonderful, until you try to put into practice. 02:56 The truth is though... 02:58 Don't assume that you know what is right to do, 03:01 it's better to check with people who really are experts 03:04 who've done the research who know. 03:06 That means read some books. 03:08 There are so many resources out there 03:10 and we thought we'd mention a few, you know, 03:13 James Dobson's Dare to Discipline. 03:15 It's an oldie but goodie. 03:16 It's an oldie but goodie 03:17 it's been updated a few years ago, 03:19 he has some very solid principles. 03:23 Kevin Layman... Yeah. 03:25 "Have a New Kid by Friday." 03:26 It's a newer book, it's a good book. 03:28 "Have a New Kid by Friday," Isn't that a great thing. 03:30 And he just reduces parenting to simple things, you know, 03:33 just simple ways to do this and it's solid material. 03:37 Ron Flowers book, Rare Kids Well Done, 03:41 is another more recent book, it's excellent. 03:43 And Claudio and Pamela Consuegra 03:45 have created resources, 03:47 a video resource and titled, Help, I'm a parent. 03:51 It's hard to find a more apt description 03:53 or a more apt title, I think. 03:55 And I think that's, that's a good one 03:57 because it is a video resource. 03:59 It's something you can sit down you can pop it in and watch it. 04:02 You and I were a part of that resource as well. 04:05 We were on camera for some of that is as well. 04:07 So we know that there are resources out there, 04:09 it's important not to just think, 04:10 well, I already know what I need to know. 04:12 But to raise them in the same way 04:14 my parents raised me. 04:15 That may be good and it may not be good. 04:17 And even if it is good, it may not agree 04:19 with what your spouse wants to do so, 04:21 you've got to make these decisions together. 04:23 Check it out together, find what the experts say 04:26 and then come up with a plan based on that. 04:28 So keeping your own relationships strong, 04:31 setting goals for what you want to do, 04:34 being willing to reach out 04:35 and have resources is also important 04:37 and then maintaining just romance 04:40 in your own relationships. 04:41 That's going to be key. 04:42 To know that it is the foundational part 04:45 of your family. 04:47 But to keep the joy in it 04:49 because there are romantic times 04:51 that you still need even though you have kids, 04:53 keep it as a priority. 04:55 And that's just basic principles 04:56 for raising children. 04:58 Dobson talks about the fact that healthy children are found 05:03 they are produced by a relationship with parents 05:06 that begins with warmth and then add structure. 05:10 Warmth first, structure later and so if the children 05:14 first and foremost know that they are loved and accepted. 05:17 That they are the treasure that the apple of mom and dad's eye, 05:23 then when we add structure, 05:24 as we add the rules 05:26 they grow out of that experience of warmth 05:29 and it's harder to produce rebellion, 05:30 not impossible but harder to produce rebellion. 05:34 If the rules or as few as possible, 05:36 well chosen and consistently enforced, 05:38 but they grow out of warmth, 05:40 then you're going to have a much more 05:42 pleasant experience with the children. 05:43 Well, I think we've talked a little bit 05:45 about two different types of leadership, 05:48 two different types of parenting 05:50 and I think it would be helpful to talk about it again here, 05:52 because it fits so well with our children. 05:55 Well, the one style that a lot of people resort to 05:59 is authoritarian. 06:01 Authoritarian. 06:02 Authoritarian, it starts with command and control. 06:05 It's I give the rules, I give the orders 06:07 and when I say jump on the way up, 06:09 you ask how high. 06:10 So a lot of shouting of orders and it's tends to be cold, 06:14 but it tends to be forced discipline and forced structure 06:19 and it starts with structure and command and control. 06:22 The problem is that control itself 06:25 is one of the elements of abuse. 06:27 Power and control are abuse of the elements 06:29 and so authoritarian leadership in the home 06:33 almost always produces rebellion. 06:36 But parents are the authority in the house, right? 06:38 So how does that work if we're not to be authoritarian? 06:41 Well, there is a second model. 06:43 Okay. And that is authoritative. 06:45 And this is more of the model of leadership of Jesus. 06:48 It begins with warmth and adds structure. 06:52 It's important to have the structure. 06:54 We're not saying throw away the rules. 06:56 That's ridiculous, that's also a prescription for disaster. 06:59 Some people have warmth and nothing else. 07:01 But it starts with warmth and then add structure 07:04 in the midst of that warmth. 07:06 So when the children know, daddy, first of all loves me 07:11 and he cares for me, therefore, 07:13 he has rules and daddy adds structure 07:15 but the structure is for my protection. 07:18 We tried to never add a rule to our children 07:21 that we didn't have an explanation for. 07:24 The explanation because I said so, 07:27 is usually not strong enough, 07:28 especially as the child gets older. 07:30 It seems forced and it seems arbitrary and it seems angry, 07:34 but if indeed I have a reason for this, 07:36 well this is for your protection. 07:38 This is what I know is the possible result of this 07:40 or this is about a choice. 07:42 Your mother and I have made this choice 07:45 and this is the reason we made the choice. 07:47 This is what we encourage for you to do the same thing 07:50 because the result has been good for us. 07:52 So when you're in our houses this is the choice we make 07:55 because this is who we are, 07:56 eventually you make your own decision on this, 07:58 but this is what we've chosen now and this is why. 08:01 So it starts with warmth and then add structure. 08:03 Absolutely. 08:05 You know, I had an experience with our grand daughter 08:07 just a couple days ago. 08:08 She's learning. 08:10 You know, she's only four and she is learning to obey 08:14 and to follow directions and follow rules 08:16 and she was reaching for something and I said, no, 08:20 and she kept reaching, you know, 08:22 and went ahead and did whatever it was. 08:25 So we had to stop and have a conversation 08:27 about that and to explain to her why? 08:31 Why is this important that you obey right at the moment 08:34 that you've been asked to obey. 08:36 And so I told her a little story. 08:39 But I think it's those moments that you are just teaching 08:44 as you go along in life, you know, 08:45 you're not shouting rules screaming yelling. 08:48 You're saying here's what we need to do, and here's why? 08:52 Finding those teachable moments. 08:53 Yeah. 08:54 She was, you know, I told her if, 08:56 if I can't trust you to obey me at the moment when I say it, 09:01 then I can't protect you 09:04 because then you might be in danger 09:06 and but you haven't learned to obey the moment 09:09 you've been asked to obey. 09:11 And then you might step into danger 09:13 because you didn't listen. 09:15 So those kinds of things where they understand why, 09:20 and yet they're still learning the lesson. 09:22 Teaching those lessons is a proactive approach 09:25 because it sets a personal identity 09:27 and a corporate identity as a family. 09:30 We always try to tell our children, 09:32 this is how we do it in our household. 09:34 You're a part of the Tucker family 09:35 and the Tucker's do it this way. 09:37 This is why we do it this way. 09:39 And then when we would see 09:41 someone making a different choice, 09:42 maybe with a disastrous result, 09:45 we would look at the children say 09:46 we're so proud of you 09:47 because you've decided to do things our way, 09:50 we do things this way because Jesus feels like 09:52 this is a better way and we see the results are much better. 09:55 So I'm proud of you, for making those choices 09:57 and when we continue to rehearse that 10:00 with the children they would gain an idea 10:02 of who they are, they gather a personal identity. 10:06 It was tied up with Jesus, following Jesus, 10:08 it was tied up with their identity 10:09 with the family, as of Tucker's this is how we do things. 10:13 This is a part of what our team is like and this is what we do. 10:17 And so it became a teachable moment. 10:18 I know some of those moments came for you 10:20 at the kitchen sink with your mother. 10:21 They did. 10:23 I've often said that I could write a book called, 10:25 "Lessons from the kitchen sink," 10:26 you know, because I remember so many times standing there 10:30 with my mom and we're you know, 10:31 we're scrubbing potatoes or we're washing dishes 10:35 or whatever it happened to be. 10:37 And she would just talk to me and we would talk about 10:41 so many different things. 10:42 I remember her teaching me to sing the song 10:44 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', 10:46 while we're standing at the sink. 10:47 I also remember asking her about what it would be like 10:50 when Jesus came and her talking about all the things 10:53 that would happen at the time that Jesus came 10:57 and I could just picture it, you know, 10:59 that was the moment there 11:01 when I remember having a calling on my life 11:03 to be in ministry, because we were talking about, 11:07 Mary, the mother of Jesus, and how special she was 11:11 and how she listened to God's voice 11:14 and he just spoke to me at that moment and said, 11:17 "I have something special for you to do as well." 11:21 And so you know there are those moments you don't know 11:25 what moment is going to stick in your child's mind. 11:27 No free passes, are there? There are no free passes. 11:30 Sometimes, we think, oh, they won't remember this. 11:32 But the other thing that we do is we create a special event 11:36 or something or a moment that we think 11:39 is a teachable moment and we make it very special 11:43 and later on you figure out they didn't even remember it. 11:45 They don't remember it. 11:46 But they remember some little tiny thing over here 11:48 that you never had in your mind at all. 11:51 You thought it was just nothing. 11:54 Yeah and yet they learned a basic life lesson from that. 11:56 I think a part of one of the final things 11:59 we can share with parents 12:00 is don't be afraid to be the parent. 12:01 You know, that's one of the things 12:03 that we share with young parents a lot. 12:06 There is so much information out there. 12:09 There are so many psychological principles 12:12 and so much on the Internet and everything. 12:15 There's information being thrust at parents. 12:18 It's overload. 12:19 It is overload it's at a rate they cannot even comprehend 12:23 and most of it ends up with the feeling of 12:27 I can't possibly do this. 12:28 Inadequacy. Inadequacy. 12:30 They feel overwhelmed. 12:32 And they feel like they're going to damage their children 12:35 because, they've read so many things 12:37 that they're supposed to do 12:38 and they can't possibly do all of them. 12:40 That now my child is going to end up 12:42 like you said in therapy. 12:44 In therapy. 12:45 You know, in fact, I have some nephews 12:47 that tease their mom's and say, 12:48 "Well, this is going to be years of therapy 12:49 over this one you know." 12:51 So they've they feel that way and it paralyzes parents. 12:56 It does. So we need to not be paralyzed. 12:58 You are the parent you are the authority 13:01 and you want to be an authority in an authoritative manner... 13:05 Rather than authoritarian. Not authoritarian. 13:07 But don't be afraid to parent. 13:09 Set the guidelines, stay with them, 13:13 make sure that you guide your child 13:16 and they're not the one in control. 13:17 One of the ways you can do that 13:19 is by giving your child lots of choices. 13:21 You know, sometimes there are choices you can give them, 13:24 when they're real little, they can start making choices 13:27 and it's important to allow them to do that. 13:30 But you need to make those choices within boundaries 13:34 that you are comfortable with. 13:36 In other words, you don't say to your little toddler, 13:39 "Do you want to eat a sandwich? 13:41 Because, typically they will say, "No." 13:42 Yeah. 13:44 But if you want them to eat a sandwich you ask them, 13:47 "Do you want a peanut butter sandwich 13:49 or cheese sandwich?" 13:52 That's right. You know. 13:53 And don't forget that Jesus is a part of this 13:55 and he can help you stay madly in love forever. |
Revised 2017-02-09