Welcome back.
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We're talking
about raising children
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and how that
affects their marriage.
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And we've mentioned
that it's important to start
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with the end goal in mind.
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If we are in survival mode
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that's a
prescription for disaster.
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It is and it puts
stress on your marriage.
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But to have a big plan is
going to be helpful for us.
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We have to have
the end goal in mind.
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I think we have to
decide ahead of time,
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what our goals are,
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what our discipline
style is going to be,
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what our style of
parenting is going to be.
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Now that will
vary as the years go by
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and as you get
more experience with it,
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but I think it's
important to say, all right,
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here's what we really
want for our children,
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and here's how
we're going to get there.
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You need to decide is
your discipline going to be,
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you know, are you going
to use corporal punishment.
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Are you going to use time out?
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Are you going to use...
What are you going to use?
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How is that going to be...
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Or you're just going
to scream frantically.
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Yeah.
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And if you don't have a
plan that's what you will do.
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That's what you'd do. Yeah.
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So when you have a plan.
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I think the thing that
is helpful with that as well
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in terms of the marriage,
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is that you both
are on the same page.
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You've decided together
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how you're
going to handle things
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and then even if you happen
to be separated at the moment
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one of you is
dealing with the situation,
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you already have the
foundational principles
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that you're going to use.
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This is the way we
deal with our children
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and this is the
way we handle things
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and then you're not
going to create conflict
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with the other parent,
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because you did
something that they didn't like.
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Plus, you don't create
confusion in your children.
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That's right.
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It was always helpful for me
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to know that you and I had a
plan we were on the same team
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and if we were apart from
each other and the children
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and, you know, our children
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unlike any other child
in the world, I'm sure,
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because they try to play
one of us against the other.
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And no other child on
the face of the planet
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has ever done that,
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but we had a habit
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and that is that they
came and asked us for something
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and we were
apart from one another,
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we would always
ask the question,
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"Did you ask your mother?
Or did you ask your father?"
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Did you ask daddy?
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You know and what did daddy say?
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What did mom say?
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And it frustrated the children,
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but it also let them
know that we were a team
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and that kept the
conflict down between us,
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and it also gave the
children a sense of solidarity
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because mom and dad are
working together in this.
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That's right.
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It's always helpful. Yeah.
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And, you know,
basically what your rules are
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what you're approach is and so
if you stay with that approach,
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it keeps the children better off
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and it keeps you
on the same page.
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I think it's also
important for us to not assume
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that we already know
everything about parenting.
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The most obnoxious
experts on children
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are those who don't have any.
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Yeah.
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Is like the story of
this child psychiatrist
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who started his career was
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six theories of raising children
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and he ended his career
having raised six children
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and they had no more theories.
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That's right. Yeah.
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A theory is wonderful, until
you try to put into practice.
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The truth is though...
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Don't assume that you
know what is right to do,
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it's better to check with
people who really are experts
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who've done the
research who know.
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That means read some books.
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There are so many
resources out there
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and we thought we'd
mention a few, you know,
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James Dobson's
Dare to Discipline.
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It's an oldie but goodie.
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It's an oldie but goodie
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it's been
updated a few years ago,
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he has some very
solid principles.
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Kevin Layman... Yeah.
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"Have a New Kid by Friday."
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It's a newer
book, it's a good book.
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"Have a New Kid by Friday,"
Isn't that a great thing.
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And he just reduces parenting
to simple things, you know,
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just simple ways to do
this and it's solid material.
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Ron Flowers book,
Rare Kids Well Done,
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is another more
recent book, it's excellent.
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And Claudio and Pamela Consuegra
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have created resources,
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a video resource and
titled, Help, I'm a parent.
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It's hard to find a
more apt description
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or a more apt title, I think.
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And I think
that's, that's a good one
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because it is a video resource.
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It's something you can sit down
you can pop it in and watch it.
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You and I were a part
of that resource as well.
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We were on camera for
some of that is as well.
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So we know that there
are resources out there,
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it's important
not to just think,
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well, I already
know what I need to know.
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But to raise
them in the same way
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my parents raised me.
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That may be good
and it may not be good.
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And even if it is
good, it may not agree
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with what your
spouse wants to do so,
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you've got to make
these decisions together.
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Check it out together,
find what the experts say
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and then come up
with a plan based on that.
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So keeping your own
relationships strong,
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setting goals for
what you want to do,
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being willing to reach out
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and have
resources is also important
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and then
maintaining just romance
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in your own relationships.
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That's going to be key.
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To know that it is
the foundational part
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of your family.
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But to keep the joy in it
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because there are romantic times
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that you still need
even though you have kids,
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keep it as a priority.
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And that's just basic principles
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for raising children.
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Dobson talks about the fact
that healthy children are found
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they are produced by a
relationship with parents
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that begins with
warmth and then add structure.
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Warmth first, structure
later and so if the children
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first and foremost know that
they are loved and accepted.
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That they are the treasure that
the apple of mom and dad's eye,
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then when we add structure,
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as we add the rules
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they grow out of
that experience of warmth
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and it's harder
to produce rebellion,
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not impossible but
harder to produce rebellion.
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If the rules or
as few as possible,
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well chosen and
consistently enforced,
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but they grow out of warmth,
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then you're going
to have a much more
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pleasant
experience with the children.
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Well, I think
we've talked a little bit
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about two different
types of leadership,
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two different types of parenting
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and I think it would be helpful
to talk about it again here,
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because it fits so
well with our children.
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Well, the one style that
a lot of people resort to
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is authoritarian.
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Authoritarian.
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Authoritarian, it starts
with command and control.
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It's I give the
rules, I give the orders
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and when I say
jump on the way up,
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you ask how high.
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So a lot of shouting of orders
and it's tends to be cold,
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but it tends to be forced
discipline and forced structure
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and it starts with structure
and command and control.
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The problem is
that control itself
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is one of the elements of abuse.
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Power and control
are abuse of the elements
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and so authoritarian
leadership in the home
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almost always
produces rebellion.
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But parents are the
authority in the house, right?
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So how does that work if
we're not to be authoritarian?
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Well, there is a second model.
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Okay. And that is authoritative.
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And this is more of the
model of leadership of Jesus.
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It begins with
warmth and adds structure.
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It's important to
have the structure.
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We're not saying
throw away the rules.
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That's ridiculous, that's also
a prescription for disaster.
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Some people have
warmth and nothing else.
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But it starts with
warmth and then add structure
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in the midst of that warmth.
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So when the children know,
daddy, first of all loves me
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and he cares for me, therefore,
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he has rules and
daddy adds structure
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but the structure
is for my protection.
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We tried to never add
a rule to our children
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that we didn't
have an explanation for.
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The explanation
because I said so,
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is usually not strong enough,
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especially as
the child gets older.
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It seems forced and it seems
arbitrary and it seems angry,
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but if indeed I
have a reason for this,
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well this is
for your protection.
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This is what I know is
the possible result of this
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or this is about a choice.
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Your mother and I
have made this choice
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and this is the
reason we made the choice.
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This is what we encourage
for you to do the same thing
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because the result
has been good for us.
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So when you're in our houses
this is the choice we make
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because this is who we are,
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eventually you make
your own decision on this,
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but this is what we've
chosen now and this is why.
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So it starts with
warmth and then add structure.
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Absolutely.
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You know, I had an experience
with our grand daughter
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just a couple days ago.
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She's learning.
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You know, she's only four
and she is learning to obey
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and to follow
directions and follow rules
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and she was reaching for
something and I said, no,
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and she kept reaching, you know,
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and went ahead and
did whatever it was.
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So we had to stop
and have a conversation
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about that and to
explain to her why?
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Why is this important that
you obey right at the moment
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that you've been asked to obey.
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And so I told
her a little story.
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But I think it's those moments
that you are just teaching
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as you go along
in life, you know,
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you're not shouting
rules screaming yelling.
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You're saying here's what
we need to do, and here's why?
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Finding those teachable moments.
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Yeah.
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She was, you
know, I told her if,
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if I can't trust you to obey
me at the moment when I say it,
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then I can't protect you
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because then you
might be in danger
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and but you haven't
learned to obey the moment
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you've been asked to obey.
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And then you
might step into danger
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because you didn't listen.
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So those kinds of things
where they understand why,
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and yet they're
still learning the lesson.
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Teaching those lessons
is a proactive approach
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because it sets
a personal identity
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and a corporate
identity as a family.
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We always try to
tell our children,
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this is how we do
it in our household.
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You're a part of
the Tucker family
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and the Tucker's do it this way.
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This is why we do it this way.
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And then when we would see
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someone making a
different choice,
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maybe with a disastrous result,
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we would look
at the children say
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we're so proud of you
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because you've
decided to do things our way,
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we do things this way
because Jesus feels like
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this is a better way and we
see the results are much better.
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So I'm proud of you,
for making those choices
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and when we
continue to rehearse that
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with the children
they would gain an idea
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of who they are, they
gather a personal identity.
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It was tied up with
Jesus, following Jesus,
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it was tied up
with their identity
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with the family, as of Tucker's
this is how we do things.
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This is a part of what our team
is like and this is what we do.
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And so it became
a teachable moment.
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I know some of
those moments came for you
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at the kitchen
sink with your mother.
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They did.
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I've often said that I
could write a book called,
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"Lessons from the kitchen sink,"
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you know, because I remember
so many times standing there
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with my mom and we're you know,
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we're scrubbing
potatoes or we're washing dishes
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or whatever it happened to be.
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And she would just talk
to me and we would talk about
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so many different things.
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I remember her
teaching me to sing the song
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'Somewhere Over the Rainbow',
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while we're
standing at the sink.
00:10:46.17\00:10:47.94
I also remember asking her
about what it would be like
00:10:47.98\00:10:50.81
when Jesus came and her
talking about all the things
00:10:50.85\00:10:53.68
that would happen at
the time that Jesus came
00:10:53.72\00:10:56.99
and I could just
picture it, you know,
00:10:57.02\00:10:59.35
that was the moment there
00:10:59.39\00:11:01.29
when I remember
having a calling on my life
00:11:01.32\00:11:03.96
to be in ministry,
because we were talking about,
00:11:03.99\00:11:07.76
Mary, the mother of
Jesus, and how special she was
00:11:07.80\00:11:11.57
and how she
listened to God's voice
00:11:11.60\00:11:14.34
and he just spoke to me
at that moment and said,
00:11:14.37\00:11:17.61
"I have something
special for you to do as well."
00:11:17.64\00:11:21.04
And so you know there are
those moments you don't know
00:11:21.08\00:11:25.08
what moment is going to
stick in your child's mind.
00:11:25.11\00:11:27.52
No free passes, are
there? There are no free passes.
00:11:27.55\00:11:30.15
Sometimes, we think, oh,
they won't remember this.
00:11:30.19\00:11:32.29
But the other thing that we
do is we create a special event
00:11:32.32\00:11:36.59
or something or a
moment that we think
00:11:36.62\00:11:39.39
is a teachable moment
and we make it very special
00:11:39.43\00:11:43.20
and later on you figure out
they didn't even remember it.
00:11:43.23\00:11:45.57
They don't remember it.
00:11:45.60\00:11:46.94
But they remember some
little tiny thing over here
00:11:46.97\00:11:48.77
that you never had
in your mind at all.
00:11:48.80\00:11:51.61
You thought it was just nothing.
00:11:51.64\00:11:54.01
Yeah and yet they learned a
basic life lesson from that.
00:11:54.04\00:11:56.88
I think a part of
one of the final things
00:11:56.91\00:11:59.15
we can share with parents
00:11:59.18\00:12:00.52
is don't be
afraid to be the parent.
00:12:00.55\00:12:01.92
You know, that's
one of the things
00:12:01.95\00:12:03.28
that we share with
young parents a lot.
00:12:03.32\00:12:06.42
There is so much
information out there.
00:12:06.45\00:12:08.99
There are so many
psychological principles
00:12:09.02\00:12:12.19
and so much on the
Internet and everything.
00:12:12.23\00:12:15.33
There's information
being thrust at parents.
00:12:15.36\00:12:18.57
It's overload.
00:12:18.60\00:12:19.93
It is overload it's at a
rate they cannot even comprehend
00:12:19.97\00:12:23.30
and most of it ends
up with the feeling of
00:12:23.34\00:12:27.14
I can't possibly do this.
00:12:27.18\00:12:28.64
Inadequacy. Inadequacy.
00:12:28.68\00:12:30.95
They feel overwhelmed.
00:12:30.98\00:12:32.48
And they feel like they're
going to damage their children
00:12:32.51\00:12:35.08
because, they've
read so many things
00:12:35.12\00:12:37.12
that they're supposed to do
00:12:37.15\00:12:38.49
and they can't
possibly do all of them.
00:12:38.52\00:12:40.79
That now my child
is going to end up
00:12:40.82\00:12:42.96
like you said in therapy.
00:12:42.99\00:12:44.33
In therapy.
00:12:44.36\00:12:45.69
You know, in fact,
I have some nephews
00:12:45.73\00:12:47.06
that tease their mom's and say,
00:12:47.10\00:12:48.43
"Well, this is going
to be years of therapy
00:12:48.46\00:12:49.80
over this one you know."
00:12:49.83\00:12:51.17
So they've they feel that
way and it paralyzes parents.
00:12:51.20\00:12:56.00
It does. So we need
to not be paralyzed.
00:12:56.04\00:12:58.14
You are the parent
you are the authority
00:12:58.17\00:13:01.91
and you want to be an authority
in an authoritative manner...
00:13:01.94\00:13:05.68
Rather than authoritarian.
Not authoritarian.
00:13:05.71\00:13:07.52
But don't be afraid to parent.
00:13:07.55\00:13:09.48
Set the
guidelines, stay with them,
00:13:09.52\00:13:13.72
make sure that
you guide your child
00:13:13.76\00:13:16.16
and they're not
the one in control.
00:13:16.19\00:13:17.53
One of the ways you can do that
00:13:17.56\00:13:18.99
is by giving your
child lots of choices.
00:13:19.03\00:13:21.76
You know, sometimes there
are choices you can give them,
00:13:21.80\00:13:24.40
when they're real little,
they can start making choices
00:13:24.43\00:13:27.67
and it's important to
allow them to do that.
00:13:27.70\00:13:30.24
But you need to make
those choices within boundaries
00:13:30.27\00:13:34.18
that you are comfortable with.
00:13:34.21\00:13:36.01
In other words, you don't
say to your little toddler,
00:13:36.04\00:13:39.48
"Do you want to eat a sandwich?
00:13:39.51\00:13:41.18
Because, typically
they will say, "No."
00:13:41.22\00:13:42.78
Yeah.
00:13:42.82\00:13:44.15
But if you want them to
eat a sandwich you ask them,
00:13:44.19\00:13:47.46
"Do you want a
peanut butter sandwich
00:13:47.49\00:13:49.72
or cheese sandwich?"
00:13:49.76\00:13:52.06
That's right. You know.
00:13:52.09\00:13:53.43
And don't forget that
Jesus is a part of this
00:13:53.46\00:13:55.53
and he can help you
stay madly in love forever.
00:13:55.56\00:13:58.57