Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000086A
|
00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:21 We're Mike and Gayle Tucker 00:22 from Faith For Today television, 00:24 the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine, 00:26 and Mad About Marriage. 00:28 Now we have been talking about advice for couples, 00:32 and we've started off with scriptural basis, 00:34 and then we went through some of the mottos 00:36 that successful couples have shared with us. 00:40 And now we wanted to enter a new phase here, 00:42 we're leaving the mottos behind, 00:43 we're going to do something else. 00:45 We're adding children to the mix. 00:46 Oh, wow! 00:48 Marriage is hard enough without kids, 00:50 but when kids come, some people think, 00:51 "With the children, 00:53 we'll just make it all the much better, 00:55 you know, making our lives easier." 00:56 Oh, yeah, we're looking for the blessed event, you know. 00:59 Yes, and that is true, it is a blessed event. 01:01 It is. 01:03 But that is when things get complicated. 01:05 It is. 01:07 As soon as kids are born, 01:08 everything is a little bit more difficult, 01:11 it's a little more involved, 01:14 it's just more complicated. 01:15 Well, after that, the fact that parenting is by far 01:19 the most guilt-producing activity of my life. 01:22 Hmm. 01:24 I've never done anything that's made me 01:25 feel guiltier than parenting 01:27 because you never feel like you've done enough. 01:29 And when you do make a mistake, 01:31 those mistakes just stand out in your mind like crazy 01:33 and you're afraid the child's gonna spend their life in 01:35 and therapy recovering from you, you know. 01:37 And so it is guilt-producing. 01:39 By the way, there's a cavy after that, 01:41 grand parenting, 01:42 as you and I both know, is guilt-free. 01:43 And it's awesome. 01:45 I love grand parenting. 01:46 Well, we have two grand children, 01:48 and they are the best. 01:50 They are the best. 01:52 But parenting adds stress to you. 01:53 It does add stress. 01:55 Well, let's think about it. 01:56 Life is more complicated 01:58 because now you have different time constraints 02:01 where as, before maybe, you know, 02:03 you could be kind of foot loose, 02:05 you could just pick up and go when you wanted to, 02:07 "Let's just go for the weekend and do something." 02:10 Now your time is much more, it's more involved. 02:14 Yeah. 02:15 Well, it takes an act of congress 02:17 to get kids in the car to go some place, 02:19 or heaven forbid, 02:21 you put them on an airplane. 02:22 You know, all the paraffin and now you, 02:24 you have to take and all the planning 02:25 has to go into the-- 02:26 That's the other thing, 02:28 the logistics are much more difficult 02:29 because you've got all the equipment 02:31 that you have to carry along when they're little. 02:33 And when they're bigger, 02:35 there are still a lot of logistical things 02:37 because then you're worried 02:38 about who's getting him to school, 02:39 who's getting lunches ready, 02:41 who's taking them to piano lessons, 02:43 or soccer practice, 02:45 or whatever they're involved in. 02:47 So you've got all those things, 02:48 and all of the home work, and the school activities, 02:52 and all of that to deal with. 02:54 Energy, energy really is at a premium. 02:58 You've seen the faces of the mothers of toddlers? 03:01 How, that tired look in their eyes? 03:03 They've earned that. 03:04 They have earned it. 03:05 I remember, well, I still feel this way, 03:07 I got tired the minute our first daughter was born. 03:11 Mm-hmm. 03:12 And I've never recovered. Yeah. 03:14 She's an adult. Yes. 03:16 I'm still more tired. 03:17 And, I mean, that's really, literally true. 03:20 There's just a tiredness and exhaustion 03:22 that goes along with it 03:23 because you're always dealing with, you know, 03:26 the things of life for them. 03:29 You have to take care of them and you worry about them 03:31 and all of those things. 03:33 Um, I think money is another thing 03:35 that changes when the kids are born. 03:37 Children are just incredibly expensive. 03:42 There was a time in this country 03:44 when we were an agrarian society 03:46 when children were actually a financial asset. 03:49 Because, if you had more children, 03:50 you could farm more land, and that produced more income. 03:54 But without being in an agrarian society, 03:58 children are no longer an asset, 04:00 they are a huge liability, 04:02 and that again that sounds 04:03 an ugly way to describe children but financially-- 04:07 Just financially. 04:08 Financially, they're a liability. 04:11 The amount of money it takes to raise a child, 04:14 to keep a child healthy, 04:16 to provide health insurance and health care, 04:19 and then education for the child. 04:21 And clothe the child, feed the kid, I mean, 04:24 on and on it goes, 04:26 the expenses are just off the chart. 04:28 So things are more complicated with kids. 04:31 But really, I think, 04:33 what really is important in marriage is that 04:36 when children come along, they increase conflict. 04:39 Yeah. 04:40 Now we, it shouldn't be that way. 04:42 But it is. 04:43 But it is in most families 04:44 and at least the potential for conflict is there. 04:48 And there are a lot of reasons for that. 04:50 One of them is that 04:51 we have different backgrounds as a couple, 04:53 you know, you come from one kind of upbringing, 04:56 and I come from another. 04:58 And when we look at things in terms of children, 05:01 we each have our ideas about how they ought to be raised. 05:04 We have our own traditions, 05:06 you know, in our family we always did whatever it was. 05:11 And when we had holidays in our family, we did this. 05:16 And that might be very different 05:17 from what your family did. 05:19 So there-- 05:21 Or different means of disciplining the children. 05:23 This is how we did it in our family, 05:25 this worked for me. 05:27 But you're doing something different, I don't like that, 05:29 or maybe my rules are more stringent than yours. 05:32 I'm more conservative than you. 05:35 Or you more than me. 05:38 That increases the conflict now. 05:40 It does, and that can be in terms of just 05:43 what you think is the right way to raise a child. 05:47 Should it be strict, or should it be more lenient? 05:49 Or it can also be in terms of what you believe 05:52 is morally right or wrong. 05:53 Right. 05:54 And when you get to that level, 05:56 then you really have something going on 05:57 because I think that you're actually wrong, 06:00 I think your way is sinful. 06:02 Yes. Compared to my way. 06:04 So there's a potential there for conflict. 06:06 And if you, if you put the sin label on it, 06:09 then how do you back down from that? 06:10 Exactly. 06:12 How do you say, "Well, all right, it is okay for me 06:13 to compromise with sin in this particular area"? 06:15 Yeah, that's right. 06:16 We have to be very careful about that 06:17 which we label morally right or wrong. 06:19 Exactly. 06:20 And make sure we stay with scripture on that 06:22 because otherwise we, we start to get into, 06:24 we'd be kind of entirely inflexible. 06:26 Yeah, we have to realize that really most things 06:30 are more a matter of opinion or, you know-- 06:33 Or preference. 06:34 Preference, and, you know, there are certain things 06:37 that are more moral issues. 06:39 There absolutely are, 06:40 and there's no compromise on those. 06:42 That's right. 06:43 We just cannot for the sake of our children, 06:44 for the sake of our God. 06:46 So we have potential for conflict there. 06:48 We also have potential for conflict with in-laws. 06:50 Mm-hmm. 06:52 Because, you know, now grandma and grandpa, 06:55 oh, they want to have their hands on the baby 06:57 and you want them to, 06:58 and you want them to be a part of things, 07:00 but are they interfering, 07:02 you know, do they think maybe you're not doing things right. 07:05 Do they lecture you over this? Uh-huh. 07:07 Or do they, do they refuse to follow the rules 07:09 that you have for the children 07:11 when the children are with them, 07:12 you know? 07:13 So you've got the in-law thing. 07:15 I knew one family that said, you know, 07:17 "We lived close to my parents until our children were born, 07:23 and they interfered so much in our parenting, 07:27 and not only did they interfere in 07:29 what we did as far as discipline, 07:31 but they wanted the children all the time." 07:33 I mean, like, "You guys go, you know, 07:34 have some time together, we want the children." 07:37 They said, "We really, 07:38 seriously considered moving away." 07:40 Right. 07:41 "Because it was such an interference." 07:43 So there was a problem there, you know, 07:45 also the strain on the budget 07:47 is also a possibility for conflict. 07:50 It's real. 07:52 And again, money is the number one reason 07:53 why couples fight. 07:54 You put children in the mix, money gets tighter, 07:57 and then the fights are more likely to come. 08:00 And then when you have families 08:01 where there might happen to be a special needs child, 08:04 that's even more stressful. 08:06 A lot more stress is on it because the logistics gets so, 08:10 so difficult, and the child 08:11 is more likely to have illnesses, 08:13 or certainly special care, and is more expensive. 08:16 Just the stresses are just great. 08:18 Added to that the fact that very often 08:20 there's an accompanying sense of guilt 08:23 over a special needs child that's not need to be there 08:26 but it's a normal thing for people to experience. 08:29 And it just further complicates things. 08:32 So, you know, we're painting a pretty bleak picture 08:35 of having children. 08:36 Yeah, it makes you not able to want to have one, 08:38 you know, there's-- 08:39 But, if you're married, 08:41 you know that all of these things 08:43 are potentially there for you. 08:44 Yes. 08:45 That they are the complications of having children. 08:49 What we want to do today 08:50 is talk a little bit about how to handle those things. 08:52 Absolutely. 08:53 Because children in the, 08:55 in the end result are great joy. 08:58 Oh, they are a wonderful blessing. 09:00 We've raised two daughters, 09:01 I cannot imagine life without our children and now, 09:04 our grandchildren. 09:06 Such a joy they've been to us 09:07 and such a benefit to our lives overall. 09:09 They've enriched us, 09:11 and enriched our experience together as well 09:13 because we grew through the challenges, 09:17 and now, we have a ritual relationship 09:18 because of it. 09:19 So you have to learn how to be married first of all, 09:21 and then you have to learn 09:22 how to be married with children. 09:24 With children. 09:25 So what's the first thing to do? 09:27 What are some basic principles that can keep it 09:29 strong as parents and as a couple? 09:32 The place you start, I think, besides the fact that, 09:36 and again as Christians we would say 09:37 we're always gonna start with prayer, 09:39 we're always gonna start with Jesus is the center, 09:42 and so I think that that's assumed I hope it is. 09:45 But other than that, we start with our relationship. 09:46 Mm-hmm. 09:48 We make sure that you and I stay strong 09:50 that we carve out time for ourselves. 09:52 A couple should not feel guilty overtaking time 09:56 from the children to spend with each other 09:59 so that they keep their relationship strong 10:01 because children will find their 10:02 greatest sense of security, 10:04 and the love that mom and dad have for each other, 10:06 and the commitment that they exhibit to one another. 10:08 That's right. 10:09 They're benefiting their children 10:11 by spending their time together. 10:13 I talked to one young couple who said, 10:15 "Well, we haven't had a date in two years." 10:18 "In two years?" 10:20 "Yes, our child was born two years ago." 10:21 Yeah. 10:22 And so they felt like, you know, 10:24 they had so much busyness. 10:26 They had to work, 10:27 they had so many things that they couldn't actually 10:29 take any time away from their child for a date. 10:32 Yeah. 10:34 And there is just this exhaustion in their eyes. 10:36 So it was really important, 10:38 it is really important for people to say 10:40 we're gonna keep our relationship strong, 10:42 we're gonna still do special things together. 10:44 And obviously, special care has to be given 10:47 to who the children are left with when you do this. 10:49 Yeah. 10:50 But, but it should not prevent you from doing it. 10:54 It's important to take their time for each other. 10:57 Um, I think that the next thing to do 10:59 is to remember and rehearse 11:03 what a gift your children are to you. 11:04 Yeah, 'cause it's easy to forget that if you don't. 11:07 Because the stresses are so great. 11:08 There are stresses, and you're tired. 11:10 Mm-hmm. 11:12 But to just remember, these children are such a gift. 11:15 There is so much potential 11:17 that lies in your hands with your children. 11:19 You know, this was a lot easier for you and I to remember 11:22 when our grandchildren were born. 11:25 When the children were born, 11:27 there was this sense of responsibility, 11:29 and this urgency to do things right. 11:33 We wanted to raise Godly children, 11:34 healthy children, psychologically healthy 11:37 and spiritually healthy children, 11:39 that's what we wanted. 11:40 We wanted to keep them safe 11:41 and so we were focused on those things. 11:43 Mm-hmm. 11:44 As grand parents you're a little more relaxed, 11:45 it's like, "Yeah, I didn't know how to do that, 11:48 but now I want to enjoy the blessings 11:50 of this wonderful child." 11:51 Yeah. 11:52 There's an amazing thing that happened 11:54 when our first grand child was born. 11:56 It was like the moment I held her in my hands, in my arms, 12:01 I could see the potential of who she could be. 12:04 Right. 12:06 And it was, there was this bond, 12:07 and that was just immediate. 12:09 And I felt a bond with my own children 12:12 when they were born, 12:13 but I don't think I realized 12:15 really the gift that I was holding. 12:17 Right. 12:18 And you do more as a grand parent 12:19 because now you've watched your children grow up, 12:21 and they are this fantastic gift, 12:23 they are such a wonderful thing. 12:25 And I thought, "Ah! 12:27 You know, here's another generation." 12:28 Yeah, and I think another thing 12:30 we have to do then is to make a plan. 12:33 We make a plan for how we're going to do this. 12:35 We start with the end in mind, 12:37 what is it that we want to produce with this child, 12:40 what kind of a, 12:42 an adult does this child need to be, 12:44 and now what do we do to get from point A to point B. 12:47 What is the in game, and if you start with that, 12:49 it helps. 12:51 I think it does because often parenting seems to happen 12:54 by accident or emergency, you know. 12:57 I'm just, I'm just trying to make it through the day. 12:59 Yeah. 13:01 And when we approach it that way, 13:03 it will overwhelm us. 13:04 Survival mode is a prescription for disaster. 13:07 And then we take it out on each other. 13:09 Because we're like, 13:11 "I can't believe I'm in this situation, 13:13 it's so difficult." 13:14 Well, we've got some more advice, 13:16 and some more help coming up, 13:17 but we're gonna take a break right now, 13:18 and we'll be right back after this. |
Revised 2016-06-02